WWYD??? Need advice- Babysitting issue

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Dd13 is babysitting 2 baby boys, 2mo and 18 mo. Their mom wanted her to do it at her house alone but I was not comfortable with that because we don't know them or the kids. I was afraid dd would need help or advice so we have them at our house so I can help as needed. Plus thats alot for a 13 year old. The 18mo old just stopped crying after 2 hours (understandable because he does not know us so I have been helping ALOT needless to say)

 

So I was going to make the baby a bottle and the water mom had in there was cloudy and chunky so I dumped it out and IMMEDIATELY got a nasty rotten milk smell (mom told us bottle was ready to put 2 scoops of formula in with 6oz of water.) I asked why 2 scoops for 6oz (container said 1scoop per 2oz water) and she says her kids don't like milk. Ok so I say ok- her baby I am sure she has a reason. Anyways, back to emptying out water. I take the bottle apart (Vent Aire) so it comes apart at top and bottom and there is BLACK MOLD in the rings of the bottle. Top an bottom. As in the bottles don't get cleaned. EVER it appears. Umm, I wonder why those poor babies don't like milk. :crying: When I opened the bottle the smell of sour milk about knocked me over then MOLD?????? I took the 18 mo bottle apart and the same thing.

 

I scrubbed the bottles good, VERY good with dish soap and they do not stink at all anymore (took about 15 mins per bottle to get all the nasty stuff off. It was EVERYWHERE. Inside walls of bottle, in the nipple, around in, in the rings :ack2:)

 

I am friends with this girls aunt. That is how dd was asked to babysit (my friend asked me if she could). Would you say something to the aunt? The mom? I am lost. There were no tummy aches, no puking nothing after drinking from the clean bottles but the mom said they always puke afterwards and cry as if they have tummy aches (I wonder why:glare:) Dd is babysitting today from 11-2 and 5-8pm while the mom works a split shift and tomorrow 10-4 (at our house ofcourse) I am lost. I can not fathom giving any living being (even an animal) milk from those bottles- let alone babies. They came over with super soaked diapers and both have diaper rashes (not really bad but painful never the less and soaking through on top of it)

 

My heart is breaking for these poor babies. The mom said the 2mo old cries all the time. ALWAYS but he has been nothing but happy and smiley all day for us. Only started to fuss a little bit when he got hungry.

 

So WWYD? Would you say something? To who? And how would you say it?? UGH

[Impish]

I'd tell the mom what I discovered.

[Tiberia]

I would tell the mom what you found and what you did. Mom obviously needs to be trained in this. Unless you suspect abuse or neglect, I'd just take the position of a mentor. She may be clueless. Be firm, but gentle. Show her how to clean the bottles. She may appreciate the help. (Or she may get defensive.) Good luck!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I would tell the mom what you found and what you did. Mom obviously needs to be trained in this. Unless you suspect abuse or neglect, I'd just take the position of a mentor. She may be clueless. Be firm, but gentle. Show her how to clean the bottles. She may appreciate the help. (Or she may get defensive.) Good luck!

 

 

 

I don't know the mom, but from the little I saw her yesterday and today and from what my friend has told me (stories) I am afraid she will get defensive. But I will take that advice and try to take her alongside and help. I know she is very young (19? Maybe 20 at oldest possibly even younger)

[Lacie]

I'd tell the mom what I discovered.

 

:iagree:

 

I would have to tell the mom. Those kids could get really sick from bottles like that.

[Jennifer in MI]

Is there any way you could phrase it so that it wouldn't make her defensive? I'm not good at coming up with this kind of thing. But, maybe, "You must have been in a hurry yesterday because you grabbed dirty bottles! So, I took them apart and cleaned them before using them." (Maybe have a clean bottle taken apart to show her so she learns that the do come apart!)

 

I'm sure someone else will have a better suggestion as to how to word it! :group hug: I'm awful in these situations too!

[My3Monkeys]

Is there any way you could phrase it so that it wouldn't make her defensive? I'm not good at coming up with this kind of thing. But, maybe, "You must have been in a hurry yesterday because you grabbed dirty bottles! So, I took them apart and cleaned them before using them." (Maybe have a clean bottle taken apart to show her so she learns that the do come apart!)

 

I'm sure someone else will have a better suggestion as to how to word it! :group hug: I'm awful in these situations too!

 

Or maybe have them all in pieces and say " I went ahead and got these all cleaned up for you for the next feeding!"

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Is there any way you could phrase it so that it wouldn't make her defensive? I'm not good at coming up with this kind of thing. But, maybe, "You must have been in a hurry yesterday because you grabbed dirty bottles! So, I took them apart and cleaned them before using them." (Maybe have a clean bottle taken apart to show her so she learns that the do come apart!)

 

I'm sure someone else will have a better suggestion as to how to word it! :group hug: I'm awful in these situations too!

 

 

 

That is what I am worried about is saying it wrong :confused: I understand she is young. I understand having little babies is very overwhelming at times. I just don't always have tact. I tend to say things as they are (I don't like that to be honest) but I know that is not the way to handle this :confused:

[Jennifer in MI]

Or maybe have them all in pieces and say " I went ahead and got these all cleaned up for you for the next feeding!"

 

Much better!!!

[Rebecca VA]

Are the bottles dishwasher-safe? If the mom has a dishwasher, you could tell her to put the bottles in the dishwasher every time they're used.

 

I'd try to be a mentor to this poor girl. It doesn't sound as though anyone else is teaching/helping her to be a good mother.

[Julie in CA]

When mom arrives, I'd have the bottles soaking. As she's packing up to go, I'd say, "Oh, wait, the bottles are in the kitchen soaking. I noticed they had some mold growing in the rings & such, so I gave them a good cleaning. Your little guy seemed to do really well with the bottle today, especially after they were cleaned thoroughly. I remember when my dc was little, I had to *really scrub* the bottles *all the time* or they got tummyaches." {conversational tone, good-natured sigh, eye roll, smile}

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Or maybe have them all in pieces and say " I went ahead and got these all cleaned up for you for the next feeding!"

 

 

There is a good idea!! That is a very good idea. Thank you!

[regentrude]

You need to say something and document it- not only for the babies' sake, but also for your DD's sake. So that SHE does not get accused if the kids get sick under her care!

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

When mom arrives, I'd have the bottles soaking. As she's packing up to go, I'd say, "Oh, wait, the bottles are in the kitchen soaking. I noticed they had some mold growing in the rings & such, so I gave them a good cleaning. Your little guy seemed to do really well with the bottle today, especially after they were cleaned thoroughly. I remember when my dc was little, I had to *really scrub* the bottles *all the time* or they got tummyaches." {conversational tone, good-natured sigh, eye roll, smile}

 

 

Another good idea! I will do this also! Thank you

 

I'd try to be a mentor to this poor girl. It doesn't sound as though anyone else is teaching/helping her to be a good mother.

 

Yeah you are right!! I am thinking back to when dd was a baby and I am sure I needed this as well (I was also a very young mom) I was just blessed to have my mother in law show me! Now I feel bad for the mom :crying:

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

You need to say something and document it- not only for the babies' sake, but also for your DD's sake. So that SHE does not get accused if the kids get sick under her care!

 

 

That is probably a good idea as well since we don't know them! I just can not imagine dd being at their home alone with these babies like they wanted! She is a VERY mature 13 year old, but she is still only 13, kwim?

[Samiam]

I wouldn't say anything to the mom, as you mentioned she is defensive and that will probably be the last time you see the babies. If you want to continue to babysit (for the sake of perhaps giving the babies a "clean" place), I would mention it to the aunt, who it sounds like you know a bit better.

 

Perhaps the aunt has a better relationship with the Mom, could say something and maybe even show the Mom some things.

 

Perhaps the family isn't aware of the conditions the Mom is keeping and could help.

 

Perhaps it is even worse at the home of the children (thinking now about the stories that have been in our local news this past month, two different families where children were taken, because the home was just beyond disgusting, rotten food all over, feces, children in poor cleanliness, rashes, etc).

 

The Mom is young. Sounds like she needs some help in knowing how to care for her babies. It could be that she accepts the help and learns from it, or it could be that she is embarrassed, hurt, angry, and/or doesn't care enough to make an effort to make it better for the children.

[bairnmama]

Or maybe have them all in pieces and say " I went ahead and got these all cleaned up for you for the next feeding!"

 

 

I've done that before and it works great. Being a nursery worker I've found many a nasty bottle/sippy cup in the bag intended for while they were in the nursery. I normally say something like, "I just want to let you know I cleaned out ___'s bottle/cup for you. I don't know if you grabbed a dirty one by accident or if it got left in the car/bag too long. I know things can get a little crazy sometimes. See you next time!"

 

I've also approached a mom of a kid I was babysitting with my concerns about her son. She didn't take it kindly at all and I didn't see them for years. It turns out my concerns were spot on and the boy is now getting help/therapy. I felt bad at the time because I hurt her feelings, but I also felt it needed to be said.

[ktgrok]

maybe something like, "oh, I know these newfangled bottles can be a pain to get clean, can I show you a trick I use for them, with the kids we babysit for?" Then show her how to take them apart, chatting on and on about why can't the bottle people make these easier, blah blah blah, poor babies can end up with stomach aches from these things, blah blah blah.. Make it about the bottles, not her. Then tell the aunt too.

[JennyD]

maybe something like, "oh, I know these newfangled bottles can be a pain to get clean, can I show you a trick I use for them, with the kids we babysit for?" Then show her how to take them apart, chatting on and on about why can't the bottle people make these easier, blah blah blah, poor babies can end up with stomach aches from these things, blah blah blah.. Make it about the bottles, not her. Then tell the aunt too.

 

This sounds good. Honestly, I had to do pretty much the same thing with my highly educated, very motivated husband, "Hon, I know you washed these straw cups, but see the mold? [Response: horror] They actually come apart -- see? -- and you have to wash each piece or it gets moldy." The mom may just not know that the bottles can and should be taken apart.

[VA6336]

I'll admit to being a mom who didn't know the sippy cups with straws came apart and therefore didn't thoroughly clean them for about 6 months (yes, all while using them). I was at a friend's house one day and saw the pieces of a similar cup come out of the dishwasher and asked if the dishwasher had broken it. She set me straight. :001_smile: I went home and threw ours out after taking them apart...couldn't fathom how to get the mold out. Now I know about bleach and the wonders it can do!

 

All that to say, having it pieces on the counter after being cleaned and having her wait while you put them back together and toss them into the bag might be all the hint she needs. I like that suggestion very much!

[gardenmom5]

Would you say something to the aunt? The mom? I am lost. So WWYD? Would you say something? To who? And how would you say it?? UGH

 

first, the mom sounds very young. (or at least immature/inexperienced/clueless.)

 

I would start off by saying something to the mom - I'd ask if she takes the bottles apart to clean them between feedings, and not just sticking the whole thing intact in the dishwasher. (seriously, she may be that obtuse.) then you can tell her what you found and how you dealt with it so the bottles are now nice and clean.

 

Also, I'd ask her how often she changes diapers.

 

then I'd say something to the aunt along the lines of "she seems very overwhelmed in providing for the babies basic needs." and "is there anyone in her family who can take her under their wing and help her?"

[gardenmom5]

Are the bottles dishwasher-safe? If the mom has a dishwasher, you could tell her to put the bottles in the dishwasher every time they're used.

 

they need to be taken apart before going into the dishwasher.

 

I'd try to be a mentor to this poor girl. It doesn't sound as though anyone else is teaching/helping her to be a good mother.

 

:iagree: someone needs to be teaching her the ropes of the details of mothering young children.

[kchara]

This sounds good. Honestly, I had to do pretty much the same thing with my highly educated, very motivated husband, "Hon, I know you washed these straw cups, but see the mold? [Response: horror] They actually come apart -- see? -- and you have to wash each piece or it gets moldy." The mom may just not know that the bottles can and should be taken apart.

 

:iagree: The first thing I thought when I read the OP was that she didn't know she had to take the bottles completely apart, not just take off the nipple ring. When my DD took over the dishes for us, I forgot to tell her that she HAD to take the nipples OUT of the ring, and I found mold on a couple of them. The Vent-Aire ones you have to take the nipple ring off, then the nipple out, then the bottom hard plastic off, then the vent out. So, it's a lot, and she just might not realize it.

[Liza Lee]

This sounds like a very young mom who needs a food safety class and a parenting class.

 

IMO, she has terrible judgement if she thinks a 13yo can babysit a 2 month old and and 18 month old at the same time. And my comment has nothing to do with your dd. That's difficult for an adult, too.

 

She is under-nourishing her infant and feeding him spoiled formula. That is neglect, even if it's just out of ignorance and isn't malicious.

 

Do you know anything about the father? Frankly, both these parents need some education in a hurry. If that baby lands in the hospital, she could lose custody.

Edited September 3, 2011 by Liza Lee

[butterflymommy]

I would tell her my concerns very nicely and give her a tub of desitin-- diaper rash can actually be very serious leading to staph infections.

 

I have gotten a little mold in sippy cups and bottles but as soon as I noticed tossed them.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

IMO, she has terrible judgement if she thinks a 13yo can babysit a 2 month old and and 18 month old at the same time. And my comment has nothing to do with your dd. That's difficult for an adult, too.

 

Do you know anything about the father? Frankly, both these parents need some education in a hurry. If that baby lands in the hospital, she could lose custody.

 

I completely know what you mean about my daughter watching both! That is why I wanted them here. I can not imagine her being alone with both of them!!

 

 

The father is with the mother (they are not married) but they do not have a great relationship. Everytime we seen them (we have seen them a few times at various gatherings but have not actually met them) there was alot of fighting. Alot of calling each other names. I don't know how involved he is with the kids. Especially since he does not work and she needs a babysitter while working.

 

The more I think about this the more I really do feel bad for the mom. I think now after thinking and reading posts that she is just incredibly overwhelmed! I had the bottles cleaned and apart on paper towel drying on the counter and she said "did it break" so I honestly think she just didn't know. I showed her how to put it together and she said thank you. I also showed her the "problem areas" where its kinda hard to clean but did not bring up the mold. I did not want to embarrass her since it appears she did not know it came apart that much. I will see what they look like tonight when they come back and tomorrow and if I see something that could turn into mold I will bring it up.

 

I also told her that they didn't seem sick or in pain at all today after giving them their bottles so hopefully she can kinda put two and two together. I will see what tomorrow brings. I will be able to tell for sure if they are taken apart to be cleaned so hopefully the little talk today helped. If not, then tomorrow will be a bit of a deeper talk.

 

 

Thanks again!! :001_smile:

[Lawana]

The more I think about this the more I really do feel bad for the mom. I think now after thinking and reading posts that she is just incredibly overwhelmed! I had the bottles cleaned and apart on paper towel drying on the counter and she said "did it break" so I honestly think she just didn't know. I showed her how to put it together and she said thank you. I also showed her the "problem areas" where its kinda hard to clean but did not bring up the mold. I did not want to embarrass her since it appears she did not know it came apart that much. I will see what they look like tonight when they come back and tomorrow and if I see something that could turn into mold I will bring it up.

 

I also told her that they didn't seem sick or in pain at all today after giving them their bottles so hopefully she can kinda put two and two together. I will see what tomorrow brings. I will be able to tell for sure if they are taken apart to be cleaned so hopefully the little talk today helped. If not, then tomorrow will be a bit of a deeper talk.

 

 

Thanks again!! :001_smile:

 

I think you handled it really well.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I think you handled it really well.

 

 

 

I hope so! Thank you for saying that. I keep replaying it in my head wondering if I should have said it differently. I hate when I do that :glare:

[LibraryLover]

When mom arrives, I'd have the bottles soaking. As she's packing up to go, I'd say, "Oh, wait, the bottles are in the kitchen soaking. I noticed they had some mold growing in the rings & such, so I gave them a good cleaning. Your little guy seemed to do really well with the bottle today, especially after they were cleaned thoroughly. I remember when my dc was little, I had to *really scrub* the bottles *all the time* or they got tummyaches." {conversational tone, good-natured sigh, eye roll, smile}

 

I like this. I personally would skip the bolded. :) She knows she doesn't clean them, but now she knows it's something you will notice. Sharing sends the message, and doing it nicely might let her be open to more good advice. She can probably take in the information better if she feels you're looking out for her.

[Jennifer in MI]

Great job!!!! Sounds like she just didn't know. Poor thing. Way to go!!!

[NanceXToo]

Sounds like you handled it well! I'm glad you talked to the mom and not the aunt. She probably would have been really upset and/or embarassed if she knew you went and talked to the aunt "behind her back" and that she had to hear this secondhand from the aunt, instead of from the person who actually encountered the problem etc.

 

If you notice it again, you may really have to just tell her gently but more explicitly, "I don't want to embarrass you or put you on the defensive, but I just wanted to let you know that if the bottles don't regularly get taken apart and scrubbed out, mold will actually grow inside these nipples, and that can make the babies sick. Last time I did see mold in it when I had taken them apart to wash them, and I saw it again this time. That may be what causes the tummy aches, etc. I took them apart and cleaned them out really well again and they had no troubles with belly aches or throwing up after their bottles, so I just wanted to let you know."

 

This will be helpful for her AND the poor babies.

 

Also please note that I specifically said "if the bottles don't regularly get taken apart" etc as opposed to "If you don't take the bottles apart"- it sounds less accusatory (maybe) if you keep the subject on "the bottles" and not "you" (the mom) if you want to try to word things so that she doesn't feel defensive.

[Caroline]

I think you did a good thing today. I teach high school and have a few teenage parents or about-to-be parents in my classes. They always appreciate kindly worded help. They are overwhelmed and tired. And they know they are in over their heads. Thanks for helping out.

[staceyobu]

Glad it worked out well so far. I didn't know bottles came apart either until I saw my MIL do it once. And, I consider myself a relatively smart person. :001_huh:

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Well, the bottles were dirty again today, but obviously not as bad as I scrubbed them yesterday. I am gonna leave them washed and drying on the counter on paper towel again and somehow do a little reminder. Nothing confrontational or anything of course

!

[Terabith]

"You know, it took me FOREVER to figure out how to get the danged bottles clean when my kiddos were little. Everything gets so gross so quickly. Just thought I'd show you the trick I used to get the bottles ready for the next feeding."

 

Maybe? Yech. Poor kids.

[mo2]

 

The more I think about this the more I really do feel bad for the mom. I think now after thinking and reading posts that she is just incredibly overwhelmed! I had the bottles cleaned and apart on paper towel drying on the counter and she said "did it break" so I honestly think she just didn't know. I showed her how to put it together and she said thank you. I also showed her the "problem areas" where its kinda hard to clean but did not bring up the mold. I did not want to embarrass her since it appears she did not know it came apart that much. I will see what they look like tonight when they come back and tomorrow and if I see something that could turn into mold I will bring it up.

 

I also told her that they didn't seem sick or in pain at all today after giving them their bottles so hopefully she can kinda put two and two together. I will see what tomorrow brings. I will be able to tell for sure if they are taken apart to be cleaned so hopefully the little talk today helped. If not, then tomorrow will be a bit of a deeper talk.

 

I think you handled it well. You know, bottles and cups these days DO have a lot of pieces and crevices to clean, and if she didn't bother to read the cleaning instructions they came with, she may not have known they came apart. I hope you are able to help her help the babies.

 

Another thought about the puking after eating: Do you think she burps them well? Maybe you could time it so that she arrives for pick-up during a feeding, and then you could sort of say to the baby: "Oh, my, what a good eater. Now let's get a good burp out of you," and hold and talk to the baby while she gets their things together or whatever. Same with a well-timed diaper change: "Let's get this wet diaper off of you, that sure doesn't feel good on your skin, now, does it? Ooh, this Desitin will make you feel lots better!" Okay, so maybe my dialogue isn't the greatest, but seriously, maybe she doesn't have much experience with babies (even kids who have babysat may not have cared for a real *infant*). It might be helpful for her to see some good ways to interact with babies, and it's much more gentle and less embarassing for her than saying something directly to her.

 

Sorry, I got a little longwinded there, but it ws just an idea.

[StephanieZ]

Wow, that mom sounds like she is in crisis.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd panic and probably say too much, too harshly, too soon.

 

I think the wisest course is to try to be calm and to take your time in helping this young woman get the skills she needs to do a better job.

 

I think you've gotten lots of good advice, and I think you are on the right track for sure. Just try to stay calm and gently guide her. After a few weeks of this, she will trust you more, rely on you more, and will be more open to your guidance than she would be right at the start.

 

So, I'd say keep gently doing what you are doing along the lines of the show/tell advice above, and, if after a few weeks things have not improved noticably, then ask the mom if you can sit down for a few minutes to talk . . . and serve her tea . . . and THEN mention your top two or three health/safety concerns directly.

 

Frankly, these two babies have survived this long, and are unlikely to suffer serious harm in the very short term from these issues (especially given that they are OK so far). (If you observe something scary that is dangerous, then of course, you have no choice but to involve CPS.) Try to calm your fears with this knowledge, and also with the knowledge that involving CPS/foster/etc provides GREAT dangers to the family as well . . .

 

The fact that the mom is actually working is a very good sign, IMHO. It shows a degree of responsibility that many moms in similar circumstances do not have.

 

I feel for you. This would traumatize me, as I was/am the hyper-vigilant-perfectionist when it comes to baby care. You are giving the family a great gift via your involvement. If the mom comes to trust you, you may make a great difference.

[swellmomma]

Those poor babies. I am appalled at times at the condition the baby I watch come in sometimes. There has never been a sour or moldy bottle. But this week for example, Wednesday he was with me and really pukey (not sick pukey- just baby pukey) all day. Enough that after one bad episode I changed him into his spare outfit and washed the ones he messed up. When they picked him up they commented on his smell. So I explained how he had been super pukey, that outfit #1 jsut came out of the dryer 10 minutes before they got there, he was in outfit #2, maybe the next day they could send more outfits just in case. Well they showed up the next am with him wearing the SAME puke covered outfit he went home in the night before. I thought they would have stripped him down and bathed him, put clean clothes on him etc. They said he fell asleep on the way home the night before so they let him stay asleep and then they slept in Thurs morning and put him straight from bed into carseat. I didn't realize he had not been changed until we got to the hospital for ds (we put his car seat straight from his car to mine when he got there). I had to strip him down in the parking lot, use the wipes to clean as much of smell off of him as I could and then put on the outfit I had washed the night before. It was aweful. I think the mom would be open to a mentor, she is quite young, but the dad is very opinionated and can be a bit pushy if you don't stand right up to him, and I don't see her doing that.

 

Thankfully he does not come to me smelly like that. Though I have him for VERY long hours (usually 12 hour shifts, Thursday I had him for 15 hours), so I usually give him a bath after supper and wash his clothes when I start a load here, so maybe I just haven't noticed too much. I am not inclined to report for stinky clothes, but man did I feel sorry for the little guy.

 

I am surprised that they would hire a 13 yr old to watch 2 babies at once. 18 months is a such a busy age, and a 2 month old needs so much attention, it is hard for an adult to watch both ages at once at times. I am so glad she has you to help her out, I am sure she would not have known what to do about the bottle etc.