planning your own baby shower

[Word Nerd]

A family member announced recently that she and her husband are expecting. She's been talking on Facebook about her plans for throwing her own baby shower and asked who wants to be invited. I raised my eyebrow at the idea, but I'm not going to get my knickers in a twist over it. This seems to be becoming a more common trend, especially among younger moms (she's 20). I'm just wondering how common this trend is.

[LaxMom]

Um. Ew.

 

I suppose it goes along with high expectations of a rich and famous lifestyle, financed by... well, I don't know. But, in my mind, just ew.

[Parrothead]

Oh, that simply isn't cool.

[swellmomma]

To me that screams "GIFT GRAB" rather than a celebration of the new little one kwim

[BakersDozen]

To me that screams "GIFT GRAB" rather than a celebration of the new little one kwim

:iagree: Very, very tacky. If they were planning a "meet the baby" event after the birth that would be different but planning/throwing your own shower? Not in good taste at all, IMO.

[athena1277]

To me that screams "GIFT GRAB" rather than a celebration of the new little one kwim

 

:iagree: A shower is for those who love you to show how happy they are for you and to share in your joy.

[regentrude]

Tacky. It screams "I want gifts".

[Dandelion]

Extremely tacky. And no, I've never been invited to (or heard of) a shower hosted by the mom-to-be.

[kchara]

:iagree: Very, very tacky. If they were planning a "meet the baby" event after the birth that would be different but planning/throwing your own shower? Not in good taste at all, IMO.

 

:iagree: Extremely tacky. But... perhaps she doesn't know any better? I'm hoping so at least.

[SquirrellyMama]

A family member announced recently that she and her husband are expecting. She's been talking on Facebook about her plans for throwing her own baby shower and asked who wants to be invited. I raised my eyebrow at the idea, but I'm not going to get my knickers in a twist over it. This seems to be becoming a more common trend, especially among younger moms (she's 20). I'm just wondering how common this trend is.

 

 

Good for you :001_smile: It probably will raise eyebrows and she may even get grief from other people but I think it is good that you are keeping a good perspective on it.

 

Kelly

[mommymilkies]

It makes me sad that any parents would have to host their own shower. I have been to one. Family & friends should really step up. I don't care if it's the first or 18th kid, I want to go and give my love and support. I would never think badly of them for hosting their own.

[SKL]

I'm going to disagree here. I guess it depends on the circumstances, but I feel that if there's going to be a shower anyway (and usually there is, right?), then sometimes the mom is the best person to host it.

 

For example, maybe she has the most money of all the family, or her house is most conveniently located, or she would be combining it with another event that is going to be at her house anyway.

 

Here's my case. I completed an international adoption when I was 41. (They are my only kids.) I didn't really want a shower, but my family insisted. Officially, it was thrown by my sister, but really, I hosted it. Here's why. 1) My house is the best house for a party. 2) I am in a far better financial position than anyone else in my family. 3) I designed the decorations, favors, music, and games around the themes of adoption and their birth country. I was the right person to do this. 4) Since I received a lot of large gifts before and at the shower, it would have been difficult to get it all to my house if the shower had been held elsewhere.

 

A couple of years later, I threw my sister a shower, but it was at her house. It makes sense to me.

 

I don't see a baby shower becoming a "gift grab" just because of who is throwing it. Having a shower is pretty much an obligation, even if you don't want one. It's not like throwing yourself a birthday party and telling everyone you're registered at Macy's.

[Word Nerd]

:iagree: Extremely tacky. But... perhaps she doesn't know any better? I'm hoping so at least.

 

I would say this is definitely the case given her home life growing up and how messed up her mom (DH's sister) is. But it seems like it would be even ruder for me or anyone else to try to tell her it's incredibly tacky. :001_unsure: One of her friends gave her an "atta girl—I should have done that too," so I doubt she would accept any questioning of the idea anyway.

 

I remember seeing discussions about this on BabyCenter back when I was pregnant and participating on those forums. I had the impression at the time that it was becoming a more common practice, but that impression doesn't seem to be accurate!

[Word Nerd]

It makes me sad that any parents would have to host their own shower. I have been to one. Family & friends should really step up. I don't care if it's the first or 18th kid, I want to go and give my love and support. I would never think badly of them for hosting their own.

 

She just announced her pregnancy a few days ago. She didn't even give anyone a chance to step up. If they didn't live several states away, I would throw it for her myself.

[gardening momma]

I'm going to disagree here. I guess it depends on the circumstances, but I feel that if there's going to be a shower anyway (and usually there is, right?), then sometimes the mom is the best person to host it.

 

For example, maybe she has the most money of all the family, or her house is most conveniently located, or she would be combining it with another event that is going to be at her house anyway.

 

Here's my case. I completed an international adoption when I was 41. (They are my only kids.) I didn't really want a shower, but my family insisted. Officially, it was thrown by my sister, but really, I hosted it. Here's why. 1) My house is the best house for a party. 2) I am in a far better financial position than anyone else in my family. 3) I designed the decorations, favors, music, and games around the themes of adoption and their birth country. I was the right person to do this. 4) Since I received a lot of large gifts before and at the shower, it would have been difficult to get it all to my house if the shower had been held elsewhere.

 

A couple of years later, I threw my sister a shower, but it was at her house. It makes sense to me.

 

I don't see a baby shower becoming a "gift grab" just because of who is throwing it. Having a shower is pretty much an obligation, even if you don't want one. It's not like throwing yourself a birthday party and telling everyone you're registered at Macy's.

It could be officially hosted by someone else, but held at her house. No one needs to know how much she actually orchestrates it, but it should appear to be put on by someone else.

[WishboneDawn]

I'm going to take a different view.

 

Could be a gift grab. Could be just excited parents that know a shower is expected but aren't up on the etiquette surrounding the whole thing. When it comes to things a circle of friends and family or a community might organize a lot of people's knowledge is pretty shaky these days simply because a lot of couples and families don't have deep roots or connections anymore.

 

Maybe you and a couple of friends could step in, let her know it's tradition to have someone else organize the shower an offer to fill that role for her?

[myfunnybunch]

Well maybe there isn't anyone to do it (or who would do it).

 

Or who can afford to do it.

 

Cat

[WishboneDawn]

I'm going to disagree here. I guess it depends on the circumstances, but I feel that if there's going to be a shower anyway (and usually there is, right?), then sometimes the mom is the best person to host it.

 

For example, maybe she has the most money of all the family, or her house is most conveniently located, or she would be combining it with another event that is going to be at her house anyway.

 

Here's my case. I completed an international adoption when I was 41. (They are my only kids.) I didn't really want a shower, but my family insisted. Officially, it was thrown by my sister, but really, I hosted it. Here's why. 1) My house is the best house for a party. 2) I am in a far better financial position than anyone else in my family. 3) I designed the decorations, favors, music, and games around the themes of adoption and their birth country. I was the right person to do this. 4) Since I received a lot of large gifts before and at the shower, it would have been difficult to get it all to my house if the shower had been held elsewhere.

 

A couple of years later, I threw my sister a shower, but it was at her house. It makes sense to me.

 

I don't see a baby shower becoming a "gift grab" just because of who is throwing it. Having a shower is pretty much an obligation, even if you don't want one. It's not like throwing yourself a birthday party and telling everyone you're registered at Macy's.

 

Agreed. My MIL will be doing mine but it will likely be at my house to accomodate neighbours and such. But it's a trend more and more that things a person or family's extended social circle might take care of are increasingly being taken on my the person/family themselves.

[SKL]

But it seems like it would be even ruder for me or anyone else to try to tell her it's incredibly tacky. :001_unsure:

 

I would say as a general statement that once someone has decided to do something and started announcing/doing it, unless it is dangerous or illegal, there is no point criticizing it. Unless, of course, the person asks your honest opinion.

 

The tackiest thing I ever experienced was when my step-niece asked us all to address our own thank-you-card envelopes at her 4th kid's baby shower. I smiled and did as she asked anyway. May still be rolling my eyes, but not in her presence.

[anotherbrother]

I've notice a similar lack of etiquette lately from my younger cousin who is getting married. Where is Emily Post when you need her?

[Julie Smith]

It makes me sad that any parents would have to host their own shower. I have been to one. Family & friends should really step up. I don't care if it's the first or 18th kid, I want to go and give my love and support. I would never think badly of them for hosting their own.

 

I agree.

So if they don't happen to know anyone who will host them a baby shower then they aren't allowed to have one?

[NanceXToo]

To me that screams "GIFT GRAB" rather than a celebration of the new little one kwim

 

Keeping it real...ANY baby shower is a "gift grab," in my opinion, no matter who throws it. That really is the point, to buy the mom-to-be things she needs for the baby. I'm okay with that, though. If I'm close enough to the people in question to go to the shower, I'm close enough to them to buy the mom something she needs for the baby.

 

With that said, no, I've never heard of hosting your own baby shower and I've never been invited to one like that. But it wouldn't really bother me. If I were going to go, I'd go regardless of whether the mom or her sister or a friend "hosted" it.

[SKL]

It could be officially hosted by someone else, but held at her house. No one needs to know how much she actually orchestrates it, but it should appear to be put on by someone else.

 

But . . . why, when it's not optional? Why is it OK to host your kid's 1st birthay party, which is optional? After all, a baby shower is really just a 0'th birthday party. The gifts are for the baby, not the mom.

[Impish]

I couldn't imagine hosting my own shower. Of course, the one attempt by anyone to host a shower for me was with Princess, and it turned out to be really, really pathetic. 4th babies aren't shower worthy, not even when there'd never been a shower for the previous 3. Poor cousin that hosted it has sworn off any future attempts for anyone.

 

Actually, other than the one attempt, I've never had any sort of shower (beyond the one in the tub :lol:)

 

I can see where it happens though. Family gets really scattered. Friends don't always know all the other friends. If the parents don't celebrate the baby, there may be nobody else able or willing to do so.

 

We had a 'Welcome' party for Tazzie when he was a wk old, just for ppl to come and meet him. Ppl had their noses out of joint b/c it wasn't the day after he came home. So, a few showed, most didn't. *shrug*

[Parrothead]

I agree.

So if they don't happen to know anyone who will host them a baby shower then they aren't allowed to have one?

If they don't know anyone who will host a baby shower who is supposed to show up at the self hosted event?

[NanceXToo]

If they don't know anyone who will host a baby shower who is supposed to show up at the self hosted event?

 

I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who I feel close enough to to show up if they invited me to an event, but who I am not close enough to to be the one to volunteer to actually plan and host the event.

[swellmomma]

But . . . why, when it's not optional? Why is it OK to host your kid's 1st birthay party, which is optional? After all, a baby shower is really just a 0'th birthday party. The gifts are for the baby, not the mom.

 

 

See I don't see it that way. To me hosting your kid's 1st birthday is no optional. What is optional is how big you make it, but to me hosting it at all is not optional. A baby shower is, imo. It is not a requirement of having a baby. It is a way for those that care about you to celebrate with you. With my 1st I had 2 showers, 1 thrown by friends, 1 thrown by family (who didn't want to but felt it was an obligation and trust me I would have rather not have had it). I did not have 1 for baby #2, or #3 but my sister threw one for me for baby #4. Funny thing is that one was the best one because it truly was done out of love not a feeling of obligation.

 

Babyshowers may be the norm but they are not a requirement. From the sounds of it this mom-to-be is getting way ahead of herself, if she just announced the pregnancy a few days ago. How far along is she? She didn't give anyone else a chance to offer to host one.

[RainbowSprinkles]

A family member announced recently that she and her husband are expecting. She's been talking on Facebook about her plans for throwing her own baby shower and asked who wants to be invited. I raised my eyebrow at the idea, but I'm not going to get my knickers in a twist over it. This seems to be becoming a more common trend, especially among younger moms (she's 20). I'm just wondering how common this trend is.

 

 

Maybe she's worried no one will throw her a shower? Is she a first time mom? She's probably overwhelmed by the huge baby buying checklists that are everywhere.

[swellmomma]

I couldn't imagine hosting my own shower. Of course, the one attempt by anyone to host a shower for me was with Princess, and it turned out to be really, really pathetic. 4th babies aren't shower worthy, not even when there'd never been a shower for the previous 3. Poor cousin that hosted it has sworn off any future attempts for anyone.

 

Actually, other than the one attempt, I've never had any sort of shower (beyond the one in the tub :lol:)

 

I can see where it happens though. Family gets really scattered. Friends don't always know all the other friends. If the parents don't celebrate the baby, there may be nobody else able or willing to do so.

 

We had a 'Welcome' party for Tazzie when he was a wk old, just for ppl to come and meet him. Ppl had their noses out of joint b/c it wasn't the day after he came home. So, a few showed, most didn't. *shrug*

 

Yeah well those that care about you are still celebrating the little one to be, even if you are not having a shower for him ;)

[kwickimom]

My friend did this for her third childShe even put on the invites that it was a diaper shower and to bring only a big pack of diapers.

 

Super tacky, thankfully I live far away and did not have to attend. I think it was ridiculous and rude and uncalled for.

[Ellie]

It's tacky. I wouldn't call it a "trend," though, unless you want to include tackiness in general, because that's a trend, lol.

[Impish]

Yeah well those that care about you are still celebrating the little one to be, even if you are not having a shower for him ;)

And its as shocking as it is appreciated! :lol:

[swellmomma]

Maybe she's worried no one will throw her a shower? Is she a first time mom? She's probably overwhelmed by the huge baby buying checklists that are everywhere.

 

See that's the part I don't get, maybe it is what makes me think the way I do about showers. I did not get big items at my baby shower. My aunt bought a bunch of used stained baby clothes at a garage sale to give me as my baby shower gift. My other aunt, mom and sister bought an umbrella stroller as a group gift (and it's not like those things are pricey), and other wise I got things like baby shampoo, and lotion.

 

With baby #4 I got only clothes for her, they were beautiful but having gotten rid of all my babystuff I had to buy everything again, clothes were the least of my worries.

 

The only time I was gifted diapers for a new baby was from my church that surprised me with a big gift basket at one of our bible study meetings.

 

To me showers are optional, imo the parents are still responsible for buying everything. To ME, when someone throws themselves a baby shower it is only because they are expecting gifts. When someone else hosts your shower, yes you get gifts but it does not come across as the mommy-to-be expecting them, but rather being pleasantly surprised by them.

[SKL]

I think now that "gift registries" are the norm, there's no point pretending that the mom isn't the one asking for gifts. That said, it seems to me that "who's hosting it" is a technicality, especially if it's at your own house. I predict that this is one etiquette rule that will soon change.

[TKDmom]

When I was 7 months pregnant with baby #2, we moved across the country. It was my first boy, and a baby shower would have been nice, but I didn't know anyone well enough to have them offer to host a shower. I "hosted" my own shower by heading down to the nearest outlet mall and buying all the cute little clothes that I could afford. :D

 

I think it's tacky to throw your own shower. But I've seen lots of tacky things done at baby showers. You just smile and keep your mouth shut, because to do anything else would be tacky in itself. ;)

[regentrude]

Well maybe there isn't anyone to do it (or who would do it).

 

Not a good reason, IMO.

Many friends will be happy to bring a gift when they first meet the baby - normally it is not necessary to coax people.

 

In my home country, baby showers do not even exist :-)

Edited August 26, 2011 by regentrude

[gardening momma]

It could be officially hosted by someone else, but held at her house. No one needs to know how much she actually orchestrates it, but it should appear to be put on by someone else.

But . . . why, when it's not optional? Why is it OK to host your kid's 1st birthay party, which is optional? After all, a baby shower is really just a 0'th birthday party. The gifts are for the baby, not the mom.

I don't know what you mean by "it's not optional." Having a baby shower is optional. You don't have to have one. And if you have the party at your house because that's the best location, fine, but it's tacky to appear to be the one giving yourself the party. Yes, technically the gifts are for the baby, but they're mostly gifts to make the mom's job easier, so they are gifts for mom as well. (I love receiving gifts for my kitchen for my birthday and Christmas, so technically they're household items, but they're really gifts for me.)

 

See I don't see it that way. To me hosting your kid's 1st birthday is no optional. What is optional is how big you make it, but to me hosting it at all is not optional. A baby shower is, imo. It is not a requirement of having a baby. It is a way for those that care about you to celebrate with you.

I don't see a 1st birthday party as not optional. It totally is. You don't have to have other people over for your child's 1st birthday (we never had family over for birthdays when I was growing up). And you don't have to have a private celebration, either, including cake.

[SKL]

I don't know what you mean by "it's not optional." Having a baby shower is optional. You don't have to have one.

 

Technically that is true, but when family is horrified at the thought of skipping it (as mine was), there is pressure to have one. Honestly, I would have been just as happy to place online orders against my Discover card as to fill out a gift registry for my baby shower. I felt gross making a list of what other people should buy me. But family insisted on it, and it was better than making them guess at what I would like.

 

I agree that you don't have to have a 1st birthday party, and even if you do, you don't have to "invite" anyone. Not everyone does birthday parties with actual invitations. I don't. I had a "welcome home" party for people to meet my kids, coincident with DD2's first birthday. I requested "no gifts" on the invitation. Haven't had a birthday party since.

[Word Nerd]

I think now that "gift registries" are the norm, there's no point pretending that the mom isn't the one asking for gifts. That said, it seems to me that "who's hosting it" is a technicality, especially if it's at your own house. I predict that this is one etiquette rule that will soon change.

 

I think you're right. And practically speaking, there isn't a lot of difference between hosting a shower and hosting a birthday party.

[jewellsmommy]

Keeping it real...ANY baby shower is a "gift grab," in my opinion, no matter who throws it. That really is the point, to buy the mom-to-be things she needs for the baby. I'm okay with that, though. If I'm close enough to the people in question to go to the shower, I'm close enough to them to buy the mom something she needs for the baby.

 

With that said, no, I've never heard of hosting your own baby shower and I've never been invited to one like that. But it wouldn't really bother me. If I were going to go, I'd go regardless of whether the mom or her sister or a friend "hosted" it.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[*Lulu*]

I would say as a general statement that once someone has decided to do something and started announcing/doing it, unless it is dangerous or illegal, there is no point criticizing it. Unless, of course, the person asks your honest opinion.

 

The tackiest thing I ever experienced was when my step-niece asked us all to address our own thank-you-card envelopes at her 4th kid's baby shower. I smiled and did as she asked anyway. May still be rolling my eyes, but not in her presence.

 

:iagree:

[*Lulu*]

I agree.

So if they don't happen to know anyone who will host them a baby shower then they aren't allowed to have one?

 

Well of course they are allowed to have one, but it will be extremely poor manners to do so.

 

A baby shower is a nicety not a necessity. If they are dead set on having a party they can have a "meet the baby affair" after the birth, still receive gifts from those so inclined, and not break several ettiquette rules in the process.

[rwjx2khsmj]

I did host my own baby blessing party before my youngest was born. It was a time for me to celebrate with friends and there were NO gifts.

[meggie]

I can't read all the responses for now, but is it a possibility that she has no one to do it for her? For my bridal shower, I had to ask my friend to do it because no one volunteered. And even then, I had to do all the food and invitations myself. For my baby shower, I probably wouldn't have even had the one for Pigby, except a week before he was born, my aunt and cousin asked if I was having one and I said no, so they volunteered. For my second child, no one else volunteered either (and I was in a church and had lots of friends that were having showers for their second) and my aunt volunteered again but I declined. If my own friends don't want to give me one, then that's fine. It's not about the gifts for me and I don't want it to appear like it is. With my third, it was never even brought up. It's one of those things I cry about at night when I'm up with a baby and so sleep deprived it hurts or right now when I've just got back from a bad park day and am a hormonal mess and all.

 

So if you're going to raise your eyebrows at her throwing herself one, maybe you should try to show some kindness and offer to help her. And if you're so far away that you can't, maybe just show some kindness and give her the benefit of a doubt that maybe there is no one to do it for her. And if she really is being selfish and all about the gifts, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and figure she needs love in her life.

[Parrothead]

 

So if you're going to raise your eyebrows at her throwing herself one, maybe you should try to show some kindness and offer to help her. And if you're so far away that you can't, maybe just show some kindness and give her the benefit of a doubt that maybe there is no one to do it for her. And if she really is being selfish and all about the gifts, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and figure she needs love in her life.

She did/is.

[Carrie12345]

I think now that "gift registries" are the norm, there's no point pretending that the mom isn't the one asking for gifts. That said, it seems to me that "who's hosting it" is a technicality, especially if it's at your own house. I predict that this is one etiquette rule that will soon change.

 

:iagree:

Planning one's own shower does leave a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, but it wouldn't REALLY be a huge issue for me. Let's be honest. 99% of the time, moms are pretending to be surprised to have a shower, pretending to be surprised about the date, pretending to be surprised by the guest list, and pretending to be surprised by the gifts.

 

P.S. I HATE surprises, lol.

[BakersDozen]

To me showers are optional, imo the parents are still responsible for buying everything. To ME, when someone throws themselves a baby shower it is only because they are expecting gifts.

You said this much better than I could have! When I choose to have a baby I choose to be responsible and provide for that baby. I do not now nor have I ever expected anyone to buy things for MY baby; if someone wanted to buy something or have a shower for me that was great but again not expected. I've come to detest showers thrown by anyone because of the sense I get that the mama-to-be is expecting others to buy what she should purchase herself, but that's just me. ;)

 

Throwing one's own shower is a common trend I see on my mommies forum and it bothers me a lot because of the mentality behind it: "What am I going to get from everyone who comes?"

 

I did host my own baby blessing party before my youngest was born. It was a time for me to celebrate with friends and there were NO gifts.

May I ask how you did this? Meaning if you had this before your baby was born and it was a celebration, how did you get away with no gifts involved? I'm intrigued... :)

 

P.S. I HATE surprises, lol.

Me, too!

[Word Nerd]

 

So if you're going to raise your eyebrows at her throwing herself one, maybe you should try to show some kindness and offer to help her. And if you're so far away that you can't, maybe just show some kindness and give her the benefit of a doubt that maybe there is no one to do it for her. And if she really is being selfish and all about the gifts, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and figure she needs love in her life.

 

And maybe you could give me the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming I am going to be unkind to her or refuse to show her love simply because I raised my eyebrows at her decision.

Edited August 26, 2011 by WordGirl

[wapiti]

Very tacky.

 

Showers are completely optional. I refused to allow anyone to plan a shower for me - thankfully they listened. I never had a bridal shower or a baby shower (I have 6 kids; however, a lot of people bought gifts anyway and sent them after the babies were born, "voluntarily").

[BakersDozen]

I refused to allow anyone to plan a shower for me

How did you do this?! I had to dodge a lady at church with my last baby for literally months because she wanted to throw a shower for me (we were new to the church, I had everything I needed and I hated thinking that women would attend because it was "expected"). Thankfully I managed to avoid the shower but this time with twins she will NOT let the shower thing go! How did you graciously decline a shower without offending anyone? :bigear: