Domestic violence, abuse...how many?

[Cheryl in NM]

In a recent thread I was surprised at the number of us who have suffered abuse at the hands of others.

 

I'd like to take a poll and I'll make it an anonymous poll so if you just want to vote and not post no one will know. A description is not necessary either. Share or not as you feel led.

 

I'll start:

 

I was raised in an angry home. My mother yelled a lot and then said that she was raised in a home with yelling and would not raise her children that way. :confused: Every single time I was spanked it was in anger. There was a period of time that I was immediately spanked upon arriving home from church; I don't remember doing anything wrong except maybe talking (I was about 4). I consider this mildly abusive; I wouldn't go to therapy or a support group for it, but others might and I don't judge them for that.

 

In college I lived with an abusive man for 1.5 years. He rarely used his fists and I still didn't/don't consider this abuse to be severe. When I finally left him, after I'd had him jailed twice, the death threats started. He followed me and waved a gun at me regularly. That was worse than the actual beatings, physical violence and verbal abuse I received during our living together time. I also have physical problems and will the rest of my life because of one of the beatings. I do consider this abuse, but I realize that many other people have been and are abused more severely and more often. Again, that's a broad description of my experience and my opinions about the experience.

 

I know there are varying descriptions and understanding of what is abuse, but I think this poll will be representative of those who suffered under others.

[nukeswife]

I wasn't sure how to answer so I voted other.

 

My dad was a yeller and my mom was one to yell back at him but not us. I've noticed that I can at times be a yeller, and I've been working really hard to not do that at all. The one difference for me is that I always make sure if I do lose my temper a bit is to talk to my children as soon as I've calmed myself down. I have occasionally spanked my kids but only in maybe twice in each of their lives and it was for something huge like trying to touch the hot stove after being warned not to do that.

 

As for in relationships, I had one boyfriend when I was 17, he knew how I felt about things and he slapped me across the face one time, and only one time, because I got up walked out and never looked back.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I was molested in 1st grade, but have never considered myself traumatized from it. It happened, he went to jail, I grew up and have no desire to repeat what was done to me. It was mostly just fondling, no penetration, by my mother's at the time boyfriend.

 

My mother used a belt on me (molestor's threat was telling = belting). My father was a yeller. They were divorced, so 2 different households. I was also blamed a lot for the little things, like us never having dinner together was because I refused to come home on time (at 10!).

[Cheryl in NM]

Have you repeated the cycle?

 

I have yelled and spanked in anger. I quit spanking, but still lose my temper and yell and emotionally blackmail. The frequency is always decreasing. I am always surprised at myself because I swear I won't follow the cycle, but then the emotions overcome me and there I am yelling. I always apologize to ds & Dh and actively work to prevent that from happening.

[Pretty in Pink]

My father was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. There were times that he chased me through our home, snatched me out of bed in the middle of the night, backed me into a corner and held his hand around my throat, etc.; however, I was didn't have it badly compared to my brother and my mom. My mom had to wear turtlenecks year-round to hide the bruises and my brother was beaten as if he were a grown man in a bar fight from the time he hit puberty.

 

My mother was physically abusive to both my sister and brother but never to me.

 

My ex-husband slapped me twice before I decided to leave, and a few more times before I could leave. That was eleven years ago.

 

I've not been physically abused since then.

[july19]

My son's biological father did some horrible things to me. When he raped me and I got pregnant, I left him. For some reason, in my head back then it was okay for him to hurt me, but he sure as heck wasn't going to hurt my child.

 

I was mistreated as a child, mainly psychological abuse. My brother died when I was 6, and my mom about a year later was yelling at me and told me that the wrong child died. That stung for a while. Other things, too. As a teen, my parents ended up divorcing and both created new lives and forgot to include me completely...so I lived with friends for a while and a couple of boyfriends who treated me really badly. Nothing physical from my parents but my mom was very very very much a yeller and my dad was the type to avoid situations and leave.

 

I sometimes wonder if I yell too much. I try really hard to not yell. I don't want to repeat the cycle. I notice that I tend to avoid situations like my dad, so I try to make sure I pay extra careful attention when my husband and I have one of our rare moments of conflict.

 

This was really freeing. Thank you. :)

[SweetMissMagnolia]

sexually abused as a kid......saw my sisters in abusive relationships with their spouses and swore that wouldn't happen to me...think that's why I waited so long to get married LOL.....

[AnitaMcC]

From age birth to 5 I was in a home of alcoholism with neglect and child endangerment. I remember being forgotten and left behind by myself at age 2 1/2. When Dad was out to sea, it was us kids were all on our own... Dad had "no clue" since my Mom was "okay" when he was around. My parents divorced when I was 4. I have no idea "why". My Mom remarried when I was 5 or so.

 

From age 5 to 8 I was in a home of alcholism, drug addiction, neglect, child endangerment, and severe abuse from stepdad. Around age 5 I remember being in a car with my siblings and we were almost driven into a retention pond... and a man coming up to our car just as it hit water and he was able to stop the car from going in. I remember many times of cruel punishments for just asking for food, a gun put to my head and the trigger being squeezed... obviously no bullets were in it as I am still alive.

 

For 6 months when I was in 2nd grade, I was in a children's home with mental and emotional abuse. My mom finally got up and left the jerk and put us four kids in the home, but had to leave her 2yr old son with his dad. That was the last she had seen/heard her son until about 7 yrs ago when he found her.

 

From 3rd grade to half way through 7th I had it awesome, My Dad was able to get full custody of us (he was out on ship in Navy and had no idea what was going on until authorities were able to locate him, then he went to court and was granted custody if he was transfered to shore duty immediately and put in his retirment at 20 yr mark which was about a year later (he was not allowed to re-enlist per court agreement). I was taken care of and never had a hand laid on me for punishment nor any cruel words directed at me from my Dad. But I was sexually abused by someone else when I was 10 or so. When Dad got injured and was laid up for 6 months my brother (2 1/2 yrs older than me) and I had to go to my Mom... and her 3rd husband. My sister was 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, and my oldest brother was 18. But this time she was a recovered alcoholic.

 

From midway through 7th grade through 10th grade it was a "if I kept to myself and stayed out of trouble it was fine". There was some mental and emotional not-quite-abusive behaviors, more of a religious extreme attitudes and such. But at age 16 I had enough and went to court to be removed from there and return to my Dad (and by then his wife and her three kids) took a year but I did move in with him a month before I turned 17 and was able to finish high school with him.

 

Then I went in the Navy when I was 18. Got married when I was 22. Thankfully I didn't have my kids until a bit later in life (28 almost 29 when twins were born). I had counseling and was more aware of my weaknesses.

 

I am a yeller. I do loose my temper too much. I also tend to go hide in my room to avoid conflict but when I am cornered I will come out exploding. I work hard to keep it under control. I have a tendency to say things that I shouldn't when I get extremely frustrated and angry. I feel that I do tend to repeat the verbal abusive cycle and so I bite my tongue (literally) and go hide to keep from letting my temper to get the best of me. Usually my temper is let loose on Dh... and he understands where I am coming from so he can take it (so he says). And when I do loose it... I make sure I talk to my kids and let them know that it is my fault and that they are not to blame ever and I apologize for such behavior.

Edited June 29, 2011 by AnitaMcC

[Aelwydd]

Physically and emotionally abused as a child and teen by my parents, mostly my mother. Abuse took the form of being hit with a belt and wooden spoon, and yelling/ put-downs that sort of thing.

 

Sexually assaulted in broad daylight at school by the brother of a friend when I was 14.

[TheReader]

I have, fortunately, never truly suffered physical abuse. There was one single incident with the abuser in my life (teens) which did turn physical, but only once. Otherwise it was "only" verbal and emotional abuse, but verbal/emotional to an extent that truly stunned, shocked, left speechless other family members who only now learned of it.

 

I have to say, the most healing thing I have ever done in regards to the abuse was to spill all in front of some relatives. I had one drink too many, we were all reminiscing, somehow it came up, and I shared everything. I was stunned that they didn't know. It had happened when I was a teen (high school)(my then stepfather, who we lived with) and I just assumed, because some of the extended family knew some of the things, that they knew all.

 

They didn't. They knew very little of it. Very little. Seeing their faces, the utter shock and horror and hurt, was the most healing thing I could ever have seen in my life. To see that, had they known, I would have had several advocates to get me out of that situation.....I had no idea.

 

And I didn't realize until that night that some unconscious part of me hurt, deeply, over the ones who did know yet did nothing. The one person who could have helped, who could have and should have told and sent us to safety, didn't. I'd never considered her reaction (or non reaction) before, until seeing it in such stark contrast to everyone else's.

[YLVD]

I was physically abused about three times by my ex, my DDs father.

 

The last time, I fought back, put him in the hospital, took my baby and left.

[Hillary in KS]

I voted for other.

 

I was neither abused nor mistreated. I had a happy (though far from perfect) childhood. My adulthood is entirely what I've made it, and it's been fine.

[YLVD]

Physically and emotionally abused as a child and teen by my parents, mostly my mother. Abuse took the form of being hit with a belt and wooden spoon, and yelling/ put-downs that sort of thing.

 

Sexually assaulted in broad daylight at school by the brother of a friend when I was 14.

 

:grouphug:

[Cheryl in NM]

I was physically abused about three times by my ex, my DDs father.

 

The last time, I fought back, put him in the hospital, took my baby and left.

 

:party::cheers2::party:

 

great job!

[elizabeth]

I am crying, this thread is awful. Someone should have been there for you. All who posted are very, very courageous.

[Joanne]

I voted a victim of adult abuse (although I suffered sexual abuse as a child, I was answering this thread from the standpoint of DV).

 

It's striking to me (and it communicates something significant) that if my xh hit me, I could post all the details here.

 

But the abuse I suffered (emotional and verbal and financial) wouldn't pass the censor.

[YLVD]

:party::cheers2::party:

 

great job!

 

I will not lie, it felt great. I'm 5'11, the same height as my ex, and I was able to do some real damage!

[Miss Peregrine]

Emotional abuse by mom and step-dad. My mom physically abused me. She still calls it spanking but she used to chase me around and pound on my back and head while I cowered in a fetal position to protect myself. She would also slap my face in front of others.

 

I am so thankful to have stopped this cycle that started long before in her family.

[GWOB]

Physically, verbally and emotionally abused as a child. My Dad was a recovering alcoholic who turned to pot and my Mom was a pothead. I remember passing the roach clip for my parents. When I was 5 I woke up from a nap to an empty house. I knew to walk to my uncle's house because that where Mom and Dad bought their pot.

 

I was 6 when they found Jesus. They took the "Spare the rod, spoil the child" to heart. My Mom weighs around 230lbs. She would sit on top of me and beat the snot out of me with whatever was available: clothes hangers, brushes, belts, vaccuum cleaner attachments, etc.. My Dad, the former bar-room brawler, would do some serious damage. Once, at the age of 14, I was beaten because I didn't make their tea the right way. CPS came to my house after I showed up to school with a busted lip, black eye, and bruised ribs. My Dad threatened to shoot the worker and she never came back. After that, they would wake me up in bed and hit me whenever they were angry. I was called stupid, fat, ugly, a b!tch, everything. I was told that if I ever reported the abuse I would be responsible for ruining the family. I was used as a messenger b/t my parents when they were fighting. I once kept track of the abuse and realized they hit me every single day for something stupid up until the time I left home. I left 3 days after graduating and joined the Navy.

 

I think my Mom is seriously mentally ill. We have good months and we have seriously terrible months. Sometimes she is great and sometimes she curses me out lower than a dog. She's like a box of chocolates. You just never know what you are going to get. Things have been getting better as I have drawn some serious lines. They've crossed them and suffered the consequences. It really stinks having to parent my parents.

 

 

Thankfully, I have married the most incredible man alive. He could not be more opposite of my Dad. I thank God every day for him.

 

I don't consider myself a victim. My parents are whacked out. They are not completely sane. Everything I experienced was their problem, not mine. I thank them for showing me how NOT to live my life and parent my kids.

[GWOB]

I voted a victim of adult abuse (although I suffered sexual abuse as a child, I was answering this thread from the standpoint of DV).

 

It's striking to me (and it communicates something significant) that if my xh hit me, I could post all the details here.

 

But the abuse I suffered (emotional and verbal and financial) wouldn't pass the censor.

 

:grouphug: My parents beat the ever-loving bejesus out of me. Their words and emotional manipulation still haunt me to this day, more than the beatings.

[LAmom]

Emotional abuse by mom and step-dad. My mom physically abused me. She still calls it spanking but she used to chase me around and pound on my back and head while I cowered in a fetal position to protect myself. She would also slap my face in front of others.

 

I am so thankful to have stopped this cycle that started long before in her family.

 

 

My mom was a yeller and took lots of anger out on me. Verbally and physical very aggressive. I remember some really intense beatings. The above quote can be related to. She never apologized.

 

I currently am a major yeller. Loud, loud, loud. It is hard to control and I am working on it. I always tell my kids sorry and I never spank in anger. I can't imagine anyone else I know, any of my friends, etc., that yell to the extent I do. Maybe they do and have never told me...but it doesn't seem that common (thankfully!). It stinks and I feel like I am creating little monsters that will yell at their wife or husband....especially when I hear the way they can yell at each other. Why can't I just stop? Ugh. Thanks for listening to me vent. What a large number that marked abuse.

[HeidiKC]

I don't see an option for "not mistreated or abused". Maybe I misunderstood the point of the poll. I guess I thought it was to get an idea of what percentage of people experienced this. Instead it is showing all people mistreated or abused, broken down by percentages.

 

Anyway, I was not abused. In general not mistreated, but of course my parents didn't always say or do the best things.

[kalanamak]

I was not abused in childhood.

 

I did meet a nice man in college, and after 2 years of dating (he was the proverbial "great guy" who was very thoughtful to others. I met him because I was new in town and had injured by foot, and when my neighbor, a classmate of his, told him about me, he came over to make sure I had groceries, etc. That was his kind of thoughtfulness) he suddenly inherited about 200K and immediately became controlling, paranoid, etc.

 

It was very perplexing, and while I was caught off guard, being an innocent from the sticks (and there was also no drinking or drug use), it never EVER occurred to me I deserved this treatment. When I tried to leave, he threatened to kill my parents, and bought a gun which pointed at my temple. It was very terrifying, and I got just NO support because he was a "great guy" and everyone just loved him (I recall one woman, an overweight woman, telling me I must have "called him fat" for him to black my eye -- of course, I had not).

 

I quietly waited until my parents went up the Amazon for 2 months and I disappeared, leaving my truck, my tools, my plants, and my cats (he was really good to the cats). That was 29 years ago. Some years later he found me 4000 miles away and I went out THAT week and applied for a change of name to something he would never guess.

 

I don't feel scarred by it, but it did expand my understanding of human behavior quite a bit. I think I was young and innocent, and I just didn't know such "nice" people could be evil.

 

I also learned I was tough. I didn't want to be dead, but I also didn't want my parents dead, either. I made a conscious decision to stay with him 6 months more and be kicked and punched, rather than have to live on after he killed my parents. I would have rather died.

[elizabeth]

I knew you were amazing and tough as nails. I had no idea you had suffered so much. I am sorry.

[Peela]

I consider myself lucky- I wasnt abused as a child. I did have to deal with my mother's boyfriend's alcoholism in my teens, but I was a fiesty teenager and he never touched me- no way- and when he verbally abused me I gave it right back to him. It wasnt pleasant and I did leave home early to escape it- perhaps some would call it abuse, but I have never identified it like that.

 

As an adult- yes, one long term boyfriend hit me quite a few times including stomach punches and a nose punch. He was classically schizophrenic but neither of us knew it then. I was madly in love with him and wouldn't leave him. Once he was diagnosed- and my present husband had rescued me from him- I went through a long, long process of healing from that whole relationship and still maintain a friendship with him, as does dh. He spent a long time in psych hospital and was very, very sorry. I am glad that there was a sort of completion and healing around it all.

 

Dh was physcially hit daily by the priests at his boarding school. Daily, for many years.

I was amazed recently how many people younger than me were hit at school- but it turns out they were all catholic. My parents did not send us to catholic schools and we were never hit.

[Scarlett]

My adulthood is entirely what I've made it, and it's been fine.

 

Ugh.

 

So women abused as adults have made that life?

 

Ugh.

[joannqn]

Alcoholic father who spanked with a hand or belt, at times leaving bruises. He called me a slut when I was 11. At the time, I was being sexually abused by a neighbor/babysitter so I believed him, and became one. They both used drugs, as well. My mom was also busy sleeping with my dad's friends.

 

Never abused as an adult.

 

I work very hard at being a good mom but feel like I fall short regularly. I go to a weekly support group, biannual retreats, and take birth control (in an attempt to alleviate mood swings and irritability) for my kids' benefit.

[....]

Lots of alcoholics and people with borderline personality disorder in my family.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't see an option for "not mistreated or abused". Maybe I misunderstood the point of the poll. I guess I thought it was to get an idea of what percentage of people experienced this. Instead it is showing all people mistreated or abused, broken down by percentages.

 

.

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

 

So women abused as adults have made that life?

 

 

This, in a nutshell, was what my most important lesson of having fallen in with a jerk is: people whom this hasn't happened to feel they have more control in life than they actually do.

 

I was MOST perplexed in how awful my classmates were to me. It was MY fault, I must have been sexually abused as a child and just not REMEMber it, I must enjoy it in the sack, I must be verbally abusing him. People I barely knew came up and offered opinions (and it was public knowledge because he had roomates ... heck, he once pulled the rear view mirror off his car, while driving, and clubbed me in the back seat with it while the man in the front hung on his arm trying to stop him). I decided that they, deep down, felt that if *I* caused it, it would never happen to them, because THEY wouldn't do what they accused me of doing/being. If it truly was bad luck (and I believe it was), OMG it could happen to THEM.

 

I will be very explicit about this, in years down the line, to my son, as there certainly are abusive women, but I cannot blame my parents for not having given me a blow by blow on what to do when Mr. Nice Guy of literally years goes bad, when I grew up in a world where no one did such things, and there was even only one divorce in our school district. Without explicit teaching on the matter, or a childhood of trouble, I do not think it odd that I was really clueless with what to do. Now I'd walk out on the first slap.

 

But what would I do now, if after 10 years and a child to raise together, hubby slapped me? Do you uproot a child for one slap? How about 2? That is the rub: it is often not that you are dumped into a cold pool, but inched into it a tiny bit at a time.

[justamouse]

This, in a nutshell, was what my most important lesson of having fallen in with a jerk is: people whom this hasn't happened to feel they have more control in life than they actually do.

 

I was MOST perplexed in how awful my classmates were to me. It was MY fault, I must have been sexually abused as a child and just not REMEMber it, I must enjoy it in the sack, I must be verbally abusing him. People I barely knew came up and offered opinions (and it was public knowledge because he had roomates ... heck, he once pulled the rear view mirror off his car, while driving, and clubbed me in the back seat with it while the man in the front hung on his arm trying to stop him). I decided that they, deep down, felt that if *I* caused it, it would never happen to them, because THEY wouldn't do what they accused me of doing/being. If it truly was bad luck (and I believe it was), OMG it could happen to THEM.

 

I will be very explicit about this, in years down the line, to my son, as there certainly are abusive women, but I cannot blame my parents for not having given me a blow by blow on what to do when Mr. Nice Guy of literally years goes bad, when I grew up in a world where no one did such things, and there was even only one divorce in our school district. Without explicit teaching on the matter, or a childhood of trouble, I do not think it odd that I was really clueless with what to do. Now I'd walk out on the first slap.

 

But what would I do now, if after 10 years and a child to raise together, hubby slapped me? Do you uproot a child for one slap? How about 2? That is the rub: it is often not that you are dumped into a cold pool, but inched into it a tiny bit at a time.

 

It's just like this. :iagree:

 

Really nice guy. Everyone says he'd give you the shirt off his back, and he does. He treats you so well, his parents are the best and you don't know who you love more. Even his ex wife is sweet-and makes no bones about why they got divorced and no where is abuse in it. Then one night he just toes over a line. Within a few months he's smashing your head against a stone wall and dragging out out from underneath a bed to punch you. And you can't leave because he slowly, so slowly cut you off from everything.

 

Frog in the pan. Frog in the pan.

[Cheryl in NM]

Do you think we are all too hard on ourselves in our marriages and with our children?

 

How do you reduce or remove the filter of abuse so that you don't pass down the "victim" mentality to your children?

[Happy2BaMom]

This thread has made me so sad...so many hard stories, so much abuse in so many ways....

 

 

...do you think the problem has changed any over time - e.g. was it like this 100 years ago? Better? Worse? I could see arguments for both.

 

Sorry, don't mean to derail the thread, I'm just wondering....

 

 

As for me, I was raised in an emotionally and physically harsh household (today it probably qualifies as emotional abuse), but I survived it and while I've had to learn a whole bunch of new habits - that took a lot of years and focus - I'm fine and get along well with my family. I've certainly not had the story others here have told. :grouphug:

[YLVD]

Lots of alcoholics and people with borderline personality disorder in my family.

 

I know that you didn't mean it this way and that I'm being oversensitive. But, I have a hard time with borderline personality disorder being equated with abuse. I do not have the full-blown disorder, but I have tendencies and enough that I'm in therapy for it.

 

There are probably others here with it. Just saying that many of us are just as high-functioning as anyone else, not abusive, etc

[Pretty in Pink]

Do you think we are all too hard on ourselves in our marriages and with our children?

 

How do you reduce or remove the filter of abuse so that you don't pass down the "victim" mentality to your children?

 

Those are good questions.

 

Yes, I think that I am too hard on myself regarding my relationships with my children and regarding my own behavior.

 

My relationship with my dh is awesome and I attribute that, in large part, to him. He is understanding. He is kind. He *never* yells. I can count on one hand the number of times that I've heard him raise his voice at a child, seriously. His is such a calm and easy-going personality. I think we balance each other quite nicely now, and in the early days of our marriage I was able to see how abnormal an abusive relationship really is. I mean, it's one thing to *know* that something is wrong, but when it's all you've ever known (not just in your own home, but through extended family as well)...I guess I knew that it was wrong to be hit by a man, yet deep down I sort of thought that was the way most marriages were behind closed doors.

 

I can't bring myself to have more than the occassional glass of wine, and even then I simply cannot bring myself to have that drink in front of my kids. I just can't. And it bothers me when I see someone drinking, aside from my dh, who enjoys a beer most nights, but there is a trust there that I just don't have with random people or even most friends. I don't think I'll ever get over that. Someone once gifted us a bottle of expensive wine as a housewarming gift and I poured it down the drain the next day. I don't know why.

 

I constantly question my parenting -- am I yelling or just raising my voice? I can't tell half the time. Am I being too strict in my punishments? Are my children afraid of me (yes, I ask myself this question fairly regularly). My dh thinks I give too many hugs and cuddles and back scratches and such, and I can't explain to him that I just want my children to know that I love them, and for my touch to be a comfort rather than a cause for fear, because what if he thinks I am nuts?

 

I think the best way for us not to pass along a victim mentality is not to feel like victims. I *think* that is why I tend to talk about my abuse rather than hide it. I guess it feels like I own it then. I don't know how to better explain it.

[....]

I know that you didn't mean it this way and that I'm being oversensitive. But, I have a hard time with borderline personality disorder being equated with abuse. I do not have the full-blown disorder, but I have tendencies and enough that I'm in therapy for it.

 

There are probably others here with it. Just saying that many of us are just as high-functioning as anyone else, not abusive, etc

 

I think a conversation about it is way beyond the scope of a forum thread.

[DaffodilDreams]

I'm not ready to lay out all the details of what happened in my childhood, but it has shaped how I parent. I'm exceptionally careful to make sure dd knows how very loved she is and to make sure she feels like home is a safe place. I knew before she was here that I could never lay a hand on her as a means of discipline. I am in the "spanking is an ineffective means of discipline" camp, anyway, but even more than that, I am terrified that with the abuse history generations back in my family that I would become out of control if I even went there. For years, I was actually afraid to become a parent - afraid that I would continue the cycle of physical and emotional abuse, and I couldn't imagine being responsible for someone else having a childhood like mine.

 

When I finally did become a mother, that was a defining point in facing what happened to me. I realized that if you really, really love someone, you don't do to that person what my parents did to me. When I realized that, I finally cut all lines of communication with my parents. Only after doing that, have I been able to see any good in what I went through. From my parents, I learned what not to do and what not to be as a parent to my little girl. From my grandparents, I saw what I should/could be.

 

Unfortunately, except for my grandmother (who was my safe place growing up) and dd, I find it very difficult to express love and affection with others. Even my dh doesn't get all that he deserves, and I often wonder why he is still here with me. My trust issues with people run very deep.

[BatmansWife]

I voted other....because I don't know that this would be considered abused or mistreated. If someone asked, were you abused or mistreated as a child?...I would immediately say no. But, if I sit and think about it...I can remember a couple specific times that weren't fun.

 

My mom was the yeller in our family. My dad....never. I don't think I ever heard my dad yell or get mad. I don't think he ever spanked us. Once....my mom got mad at me for who knows what. She knocked me on the ground, kicked me a couple of times, and hit me with a hanger. That was it. She never ever did that again. Once I backed my car into a snowbank trying to leave for school and she just screamed the livin' daylights out of me out in the front yard. A few days later a neighbor 2 doors down was joking with me about how funny that was. :confused: Yeah right. My mom had to drive me to school that day (we couldn't get the car out of the snowbank). When she picked me up, she had a present for me; her way of saying she was sorry. But, I do know *now* that I think my mom had an awful lot to deal with that she never shared with us 5 kids. My dads health problems were very severe and she had a lot of worry about that. I think to relieve stress she just screamed and occasionally flew off the handle. I don't have any idea if she ever acted this way to my older brother or my 3 younger sisters.

 

In adult life....my dh slapped me one time when we were newly married. We had been driving from way up north down to FL....and again, it was a stressful time. He said something to me and I sassed back. He slapped me and I had a big cut inside my mouth. He never ever did such a thing again. Now I just have to deal with unkind words (more emotional abuse than physical).

 

ETA: this is why I vote other. I know this is *nothing* compared to what a lot of people have had to go through.

[Scarlett]

This, in a nutshell, was what my most important lesson of having fallen in with a jerk is: people whom this hasn't happened to feel they have more control in life than they actually do.

 

I was MOST perplexed in how awful my classmates were to me. It was MY fault, I must have been sexually abused as a child and just not REMEMber it, I must enjoy it in the sack, I must be verbally abusing him. People I barely knew came up and offered opinions (and it was public knowledge because he had roomates ... heck, he once pulled the rear view mirror off his car, while driving, and clubbed me in the back seat with it while the man in the front hung on his arm trying to stop him). I decided that they, deep down, felt that if *I* caused it, it would never happen to them, because THEY wouldn't do what they accused me of doing/being. If it truly was bad luck (and I believe it was), OMG it could happen to THEM.

 

I will be very explicit about this, in years down the line, to my son, as there certainly are abusive women, but I cannot blame my parents for not having given me a blow by blow on what to do when Mr. Nice Guy of literally years goes bad, when I grew up in a world where no one did such things, and there was even only one divorce in our school district. Without explicit teaching on the matter, or a childhood of trouble, I do not think it odd that I was really clueless with what to do. Now I'd walk out on the first slap.

 

But what would I do now, if after 10 years and a child to raise together, hubby slapped me? Do you uproot a child for one slap? How about 2? That is the rub: it is often not that you are dumped into a cold pool, but inched into it a tiny bit at a time.

 

Yes. The phrase 'you teach people how to treat you' sounds all cutsy and smart, but the fact is sometimes you find yourself married to a man who lives a double life and gas lights you into believing YOU are the problem. Who is kind to you one day and stabbing you with words until you bleed the next day.

 

My spine stiffens every time I hear someone say, 'well, she should have just left!' When though? As you said, after the first verbal smackdown? Or the 10th?

[GardenTenders/Kim]

I grew up in a "loud" home and my mother was abused growing up, sexually, physically and emotionally. I am sure some of that rubbed off on how she raised my brothers and I, but she did the best she could with what she had and my father was a good counter balance to her messed up childhood. He was relaxed, where she could be "highstrung". Did things happen because she never was taught how to be a mom and was herself the mother of her siblings becuase her parents spent more time in the bar than at home. Yes. But I do not hold what happened or didn't happen against her. She is no longer high strung and I love her. Did the spanking go beyond what they should have at times, yes. But past is past and she did the best she could.

 

Abuse that really hurt that I remember though came from other children in school because I was "different" I guess. I dealt with being bullied for more than 6 years. I would say it started in about the third grade until I was about 14-15. Between everything it has impacted me and I fight the feelings of being inadequate to this day. Emotional abuse from a brother really hurt too. He would never classify it as abuse and would deny it to this day, however, he got his.... he married a woman that abuses and controls him completely. He can't pee without her saying yes he can. He is to proud to say he made a mistake so all his controling of my family for years is kind of laughable now when I see what he fell into because of e-harmony.

 

That being said, I can't read this thread. It hurts.

Edited June 30, 2011 by MommaBear

[beezus]

My mother was a hitter, screamer, name-caller and face-slapper. She seemed to have a hard time with her rage management skills. However, she succeeded in not showing that to other people very much, usually not even my dad, but she let it it fly when she was alone with us kids. It was like she thought she had some kind of free pass to vent her anger on the kids. Never an apology from her.

 

As an adult I've never been physically abused, but my first husband was emotionally manipulative - saying mean things, name-calling, and snotty passive-aggressive types of things.

[YLVD]

I think a conversation about it is way beyond the scope of a forum thread.

 

Absolutely

 

I just had to say something as it's something that I'm personally sensitive about. It's hard to read borderline personality disorder in the family is equated with abuse in the family. It's just hard to read.

 

But, I do know how hard it can be to deal with.

[aggieamy]

I guess I'm supposed to vote "other" because there isn't a catagory for "Never been abused". I'm sorry for all that a lot of you have had to deal with. :grouphug:

[Holly IN]

Couldn't answer as not sure what you consider abuse...I was sexually molested by a PK (preacher kid)of our church. He did it to all the girls(my friends). He was the same age as us.

[Joanne]

Originally Posted by kalanamak

But what would I do now, if after 10 years and a child to raise together, hubby slapped me? Do you uproot a child for one slap? How about 2? That is the rub: it is often not that you are dumped into a cold pool, but inched into it a tiny bit at a time.

 

Exactly it. My xh didn't start out on the first date calling me what he did that last April 15 years later.

 

The first event was *just* over the line; easily swayed to forgive, and move on. So, that event, and the level of abuse that characterized it became normal. The next event was similar, maybe a little worse......

 

Evil cycle.

[Joanne]

It's just like this. :iagree:

 

Really nice guy. Everyone says he'd give you the shirt off his back, and he does. He treats you so well, his parents are the best and you don't know who you love more. Even his ex wife is sweet-and makes no bones about why they got divorced and no where is abuse in it. Then one night he just toes over a line. Within a few months he's smashing your head against a stone wall and dragging out out from underneath a bed to punch you. And you can't leave because he slowly, so slowly cut you off from everything.

Frog in the pan. Frog in the pan.

 

And convinced you that you are stupid, ugly, powerless, unable to handle money.........

 

By the time it was over, I felt and believed I was a total loser. Every job, every bill I pay, every "A" in graduate school, every time someone calls me to be their therapist is healing.

[Mosaicmind]

I was raised in a satanic cult so I was physically, sexually, emotionally, you name it ABUSED by all adult members of my family and other cult members. I was still being abused by them even after dh and i were married.....don't ask long story. Because of this I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder and have found out some of my siblings do too, but they are still in the cult with my family. It's sad.

 

I finally broke the cycle and generational curse for my children. This is why I want to be a counselor. I had to go through lots of counseling and still am to realize that it wasn't my fault AT ALL. there was not one thing I could do to stop it. I have to keep reminding myself of that sometimes though. I look at my kids and thank the Lord that nothing like that ever happened to them.

[elizabeth]

Yes. The phrase 'you teach people how to treat you' sounds all cutsy and smart, but the fact is sometimes you find yourself married to a man who lives a double life and gas lights you into believing YOU are the problem. Who is kind to you one day and stabbing you with words until you bleed the next day.

 

My spine stiffens every time I hear someone say, 'well, she should have just left!' When though? As you said, after the first verbal smackdown? Or the 10th?

 

I know. The gaslighting is the worst. Most people have no idea what that is. I could write the book on it and I am supposed to know better. After all I am a lawyer so I could never, ever be living with this situation. Guess again . Things are not always what they seem .

[Joanne]

I know. The gaslighting is the worst. Most people have no idea what that is. I could write the book on it and I am supposed to know better. After all I am a lawyer so I could never, ever be living with this situation. Guess again . Things are not always what they seem .

 

We ought to co-author. I'm kidding. Well, not really. We could co-author something on the topic.

[Dirtroad]

I don't see an option for "not mistreated or abused". Maybe I misunderstood the point of the poll............Anyway, I was not abused. In general not mistreated, but of course my parents didn't always say or do the best things.

:iagree:

 

We had issues but none that I ever needed outside help on or would call abuse. It wasn't all Beaver Cleaver.... but nothing to talk about as an adult.