ProudGrandma Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 We have 3 kids. Not all of the time, but often this senario happens...they are in the same space (a car, a room etc) and one starts doing something that is not naughty or hurtful, but annoying to one of the other children and that annoyed child requests that the other stops the annoying noise or behavior. Do you: 1) make the child stop the noise/behavior because one has requested 2) tell the annoyed child that sometimes we just have to just deal with annoyances in life and not make the other child stop or 3) another action that I don't know of?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livingnlearning Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Depends on if it's annoying me too. LOL Usually I make the annoyer stop it b/c both my kids do it on purpose and I don't see the point in letting them instigate petty arguments. If it's something like breathing too loudly or using a flashlight to read in the car then I tell the annoyee to get over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 If the child is in a room with others and begins an annoying sound/act/whatnot then I would ask her to do it somewhere else or stop. If the child was alone and doing this and others entered into the room with her and wanted the annoying act to stop I would tell the child being annoyed to either leave or deal with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5KidzRUs Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 That depends on if the annoyed child is being annoying by being annoyed: "MOM! She is looking at me!" ... Or if the annoyer is presenting antagonistic behavior. The first case I would discipline the annoyed child and the latter I would discipline the antagonist. Or you can punish BOTH for irritating and distracting you, especially if you are driving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthemLights Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I was just thinking about this exact thing this morning. I have 3 children - the 2 oldest are quieter, more introverted, often found with their nose in a book. The youngest is a little tornado - noisy, rambunctious, rowdy and constantly getting on the others nerves (and my own, truth be told). I don't know the answer so I will be listening with great interest to others responses. I fluctuate between option number 1 and 2 - probably very inconsistently. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 1) make the child stop the noise/behavior because one has requested 2) tell the annoyed child that sometimes we just have to just deal with annoyances in life and not make the other child stop Sometimes the first one, sometimes the second. Depends on what the annoyance is, if the child is doing it on purpose to annoy, if it annoys me, if it's something the annoyed child can walk away from but chooses not to, etc... (<---in this case, I'd tell the annoyed child to deal with it or go elsewhere) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 if it's something the annoyed child can walk away from but chooses not to, etc... (<---in this case, I'd tell the annoyed child to deal with it or go elsewhere) This is a good point! I deal with this issue with our friends. Their son annoys the heck out of my daughter, usually on purpose. (I know, they will probably end up married...:glare:) I have taught my DD to nicely ask him to stop. Other mom will not intervene unless he is actually hurting her or something. I disagree. Again, unless it is something like breathing. Example: Son repeats my DD's name in a variety of high, whiny voices, over and over again for several minutes. DD asks him nicely to stop. Son says, "you can't tell me what to do". Son's mom IGNORES THE SITUATION. Son's mom does not realize that my DD is about to smack said Son in the face, and honestly, I don't blame her. I think that if the annoying action is legitimately annoying, and unless the annoyed party has the option of leaving the situation, the annoyer should respect a nicely asked request to stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 We have 3 kids. Not all of the time, but often this senario happens...they are in the same space (a car, a room etc) and one starts doing something that is not naughty or hurtful, but annoying to one of the other children and that annoyed child requests that the other stops the annoying noise or behavior. Do you: 1) make the child stop the noise/behavior because one has requested 2) tell the annoyed child that sometimes we just have to just deal with annoyances in life and not make the other child stop or 3) another action that I don't know of?? Since you said the action is not "naughty or hurtful", I'm assuming the noise is coming from some general type of playing and not a noise that is specifically aimed at annoying someone else. The first example that pops into my mind is a child making vroom vroom noises while playing with hot wheels cars. I think every child should have some place where they can play their noisy games. Is it possible to have designated play zones, like one zone being for quiet play/reading, and one for playing games that can be noisy? But if the person making the annoying noises is doing it out of sheer misbehavior on purpose to annoy someone else, that is a different matter. That is being disrespectful. But one should also be aware that the accuser could just be annoyed in general and want to get someone else in trouble just because they know they can. My sister did that to me a lot. She just didn't like me and wanted me out of her sight all the time. If I was anywhere near her, she would tell my mom that I was bothering her. Most of the time, my mom redirected me to somewhere else. That was just so unfair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I make the perp stop, BUT, my oldest has Asperger's and this is one of those things that just sends him over the top. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I tend to address both. When annoyee ;) comes to me, I immediately tell him or her that telling me something only to get the other in trouble is tattling, and that he/she needs to work it out by talking to their sibling. I then tell the annoyer that they should listen when someone is telling them that something they are doing is annoying them, and they are not being kind by ignoring them. This is one of those hard things, like teaching your children to be selfless yet assertive. :confused: Tell the one that took the toy to be kind and not to take, and while making them give it back (to teach them to share) at the same time telling the other child that when someone takes something they should be gracious and just let it go. Does anyone else find that parenting makes you contradict yourself every other breathe?!?! :001_huh: :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TxMama Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Ignore and stay uninvolved. Kids need to learn to work this out on their own. If I have to get involved, I sent them all to separate spaces for a time out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Ignore and stay uninvolved. Kids need to learn to work this out on their own. If I have to get involved, I sent them all to separate spaces for a time out. There are four of us, all girls. At one point, when we were all tweens/teens, my mom got so fed up, she put a sign on her bedroom door that said "If you're not bleeding, leave me alone." It still makes me laugh. a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Depends on what it is. If it is useful (sound of a pencil sharpener running frequently while dd does drafting, practicing an instrument, etc.,) then I tell the annoyed kid to get over it or leave. If it is a useless noise (humming, tapping, etc.) or such, it is outlawed anyway, so the annoying child is told to knock it off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 IMO the annoyer must stop. It is rude to be annoying and rude behavior is not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I tend to address both. When annoyee ;) comes to me, I immediately tell him or her that telling me something only to get the other in trouble is tattling, and that he/she needs to work it out by talking to their sibling. I then tell the annoyer that they should listen when someone is telling them that something they are doing is annoying them, and they are not being kind by ignoring them. This is one of those hard things, like teaching your children to be selfless yet assertive. :confused: Tell the one that took the toy to be kind and not to take, and while making them give it back (to teach them to share) at the same time telling the other child that when someone takes something they should be gracious and just let it go. Does anyone else find that parenting makes you contradict yourself every other breathe?!?! :001_huh: :tongue_smilie: :iagree: This is what I do. Sometimes neither child is doing something intentionally wrong but they need to pay attention to how their actions are affecting other people and if it's within their power to lessen someone's discomfort than they ought to whether it was "wrong" or not. But it's a struggle because my kids would rather have a definitive right/wrong judgment instead of a peacemaking judgment. The fine art of diplomacy. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 This has started to happen in our van between our youngest two and I remember the older kids doing the same thing when they were young. I"m thankful for that break with no teasing and bickering. Years ago I would tell the kids that I was going to drop them off on the side of the road if they didn't knock it off. I'd even slow down and start to pull over which would immediately quiet the problem. I'm a bit wiser now and wouldn't use the same approach and it probably wouldn't work because these last two are more savvy. I now curb the problem by making all involved stay in the van for 10 minutes after we arrive at our destination. It works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Depends on if it's annoying me too. LOL Usually I make the annoyer stop it b/c both my kids do it on purpose and I don't see the point in letting them instigate petty arguments. If it's something like breathing too loudly or using a flashlight to read in the car then I tell the annoyee to get over it. That's how it's run in our family. Also, if the person who is annoyed hits, whines, or talks rudely to the person doing the annoying, then the annoying behavior stands. The ONLY appropriate way to handle it is to politely ask the offender to stop and then get a parent involved if that doesn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marianne in TX Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I tend to address both. When annoyee ;) comes to me, I immediately tell him or her that telling me something only to get the other in trouble is tattling, and that he/she needs to work it out by talking to their sibling. I then tell the annoyer that they should listen when someone is telling them that something they are doing is annoying them, and they are not being kind by ignoring them. This is one of those hard things, like teaching your children to be selfless yet assertive. :confused: Tell the one that took the toy to be kind and not to take, and while making them give it back (to teach them to share) at the same time telling the other child that when someone takes something they should be gracious and just let it go. Does anyone else find that parenting makes you contradict yourself every other breathe?!?! :001_huh: :tongue_smilie: :iagree: To sibling A: "Please stop x" To sibling B: "Please be more tolerant or move to another spot or put on headphones...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 My mom grew arms that were 4 feet long for the express purpose of giving all of us a whup on the head if we dared distract her with our nonsense while driving. For all other occasions she threw us outside and told us to return when we done being a PITA. I love her and think she had an abundance of common sense when raising us. I never feared her but did not want to draw her attention either.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 More often than not the annoyer is doing it on purpose and so I make them stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I make the annoyer stop, but if she doesn't stop, they both get in trouble for failing to solve the problem when they both could have. (ie, one of them could have stopped putting her feet on her sister's side of the couch but her sister could have moved to the chair.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reet3 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I explain to the annoyer that we're in a small space (i'e. a car) and we have to make sure that we treat each other with that in mind. Then I tell them to stop. If they don't a privilege is taken away. Works most of the time, but not always:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 If the annoyee can leave or ignore, he should. If he can't, then he should ask politely or suggest a game to distract. I want my sometimes spacey youngest to be aware of how his habits can annoy others, but I also want big bro to speak respectfully to little brother and find solutions that don't hurt younger bro's feelings. They both have growth opportunities here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 They should work that out themselves. My kids know they should. The annoyer should stop when the offended person asks them nicely to. I don't step in unless chaos ensues. Usually I make the annoyer stop but only because usually they are doing it just to tick off their sibling. I'm talking about stuff like singing the same line of a song over and over again just so that sibling B goes off the deep end. When one child is just being sensitive and having a whiny meltdown over every single noise, I tell them to get over it or go to their room where hopefully they will enjoy blissful silence. And if they are both acting pissy, I divide and conquer. Both go to their rooms and get some space from each other. We head this off in the car altogether by always having books to read or an audio book to listen to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Depends on if it's annoying me too. LOL Usually I make the annoyer stop it b/c both my kids do it on purpose and I don't see the point in letting them instigate petty arguments. If it's something like breathing too loudly or using a flashlight to read in the car then I tell the annoyee to get over it. Yup. Totally depends on the situation here. Sometimes I just wait for "natural consequences". It always reminds me of the Bill Cosby thing Child 1: I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you! Child 2: stop it! Child 1: I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!... <THUMP> Child 1: waaaaaaaaaah. I never touched her! BC: Well it was hardly worth it then, was it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindyD Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 If what the child is doing is also annoying me, I make them stop. :tongue_smilie: I try to give them time to work it out themselves. When they don't work it out, I go back and forth between making one stop and telling the other one to deal. I usually get both of them though by telling the one doing the annoying action that the loving/kind thing to do would be to stop even though they don't have to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Depends on intent as well as whether I can stand it. Seriously, if the intent of the 3yr old is to irritate the 5 year old, I make the 3yr old stop. But if the 3yr old is just playing and the 4 year old doesn't like it, I tell the 4yr old to deal. One thing I'm trying to teach my preschoolers is to work out solutions for themselves. For example, we watch a certain show almost every day. If someone starts to stand in front of someone else, hearing, "I can't see" in a whiny voice is just not pleasing and doesn't suggest a solution. So the kids came up with some ideas. They could nicely ask the stander to move behind the sitters. They could move so they better can see. "Please do not stand in front of me" suggests a solution where "I can't see" in a whiny voice stinks is irritating. Sometimes kids need help. If they move and the stander comes to stand in front of them again, they can ask mom for help. Also, if they can't think of anything except to kick the person, please ask mama's help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 This calls for the Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 One thing I do try to instill in my kids is that if someone is annoying you, you have to let them know. Politely ask them to stop. If they don't then you can move away. If they keep following it and doing it to annoy you you can then ask for help. For the annoying child I try to teach them to stop the first time someone asks them to stop. This, I think, is an important life skill. Now if my five year old is grumpy and mad because someone is looking at him or my 9 year old is being a brat and wants someone to stop singing I tell them to get over it. HOWEVER, if I think the other person is doing it to purposefully annoy the annoyed child I will say something to annoyer as well. AND some days I just send everyone to their room because I'm tired of being annoyed. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sgo95 Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I tend to address both. When annoyee ;) comes to me, I immediately tell him or her that telling me something only to get the other in trouble is tattling, and that he/she needs to work it out by talking to their sibling. I then tell the annoyer that they should listen when someone is telling them that something they are doing is annoying them, and they are not being kind by ignoring them. This is one of those hard things, like teaching your children to be selfless yet assertive. :confused: Tell the one that took the toy to be kind and not to take, and while making them give it back (to teach them to share) at the same time telling the other child that when someone takes something they should be gracious and just let it go. Does anyone else find that parenting makes you contradict yourself every other breathe?!?! :001_huh: :tongue_smilie: :iagree: Exactly. This is a great summary of what we try to do. Each child usually bears some responsibility in the conflict and we try to address the issues on both sides. If the annoying action isn't purposefully annoying (and is not something trivial like breathing), many times I will inform the "annoyer" that she has one more minute to "do" the annoying action (like singing a song she likes a hundred times in a row) before she needs to stop in consideration for the "complainer's" feelings/nerves, but that later in another circumstance (when we're not all stuck in the car together) she is free to continue. We try to stay sane while allowing each other the freedom to be ourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Depends on if it's annoying me too. LOL Usually I make the annoyer stop it b/c both my kids do it on purpose and I don't see the point in letting them instigate petty arguments. If it's something like breathing too loudly or using a flashlight to read in the car then I tell the annoyee to get over it. :iagree: Much of the time, it's annoying to me as well. And even when it's not, it's not something small like the above. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lakotajm Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 If it is in the vehicle, I pull over until the behavior is extinguished and they will stay home for the next month, in which time they get the chance to earn the privilege of being a passenger back. The consequence gets them the attention they were craving, but they rethink the way they are doing it while they clean the other one's room, bring his drink etc. At a later time I will give a social skills lesson in how to attract someone to play with you (see Fred Frankel's books) willingly rather than try to get in by being a pest or have an adult intervene on your behalf. I like this, but how is it possible to make them stay home for a month-from where and with whom? I can't leave a 7 yo old at home alone , obviously. Just curious. I'd love to try this, but running out of not elderly babysitters (MIL moving in 2 weeks, my Mom is cranky, busy). Lakota Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reeciecup Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 Well, since neither child in my house would be polite about asking.....my answer would probably be "YOU TWO! CUT IT OUT!." It's effective in the short term...haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 I have a 5 minute rule. If a child is doing something that annoys me, I simply ignore it for 5 minutes before saying anything. I've found that the annoying behavior hardly ever lasts that long. I've taught my kids to do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 They should work that out themselves. My kids know they should. The annoyer should stop when the offended person asks them nicely to. I don't step in unless chaos ensues. :iagree: When I talk to them about it, I generally just tell them they need to listen to each other. Often, the annoyer is just being oblivious, not paying attention as the annoyee tell him to stop. But it can go the other way - sometimes the annoyee isn't listening to the annoyer's need to do whatever he's doing. Either way, they just have to work it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted June 26, 2011 Share Posted June 26, 2011 It often depends on: Was the child who feels annoyed there first or not Is what the child doing truly an annoying thing Is the child doing it intentionally to annoy someone For instance.. I have a child who gets angry when people sing, especially to music. It just upsets him for some unknown reason. I refuse to tollerate it. I have a child who, when joy filled, sings. Not to annoy people it's just who he is. Yet the child who hates it will get equally cross with me if I start singing.. I often wonder if this stems to his babyhood.. I could sing to him and he'd instantly drop off.. Makes me wonder if hearing singing now makes him sleepy too. ;) On the other hand if the child who hates singing was in the room reading or doing something and the other child comes in singing at top notch I'd say to him, "Don't mind you singing love, but I think you should either pipe down or go into another room as bub was here first." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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