melissel Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Major things like voluntarily moving to improve a financial situation, changing careers when one doesn't seem to be working out, HSing/not HSing, quitting a job vs. continuing to work, having another baby... When both parties have strong opinions and valid reasons and needs? What are your strategies for working that sort of thing out? TIA! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 If one of us feels strongly about something and the other doesn't mind, then the decision is made by the first; if we both feel strongly and disagree, we either compromise - if that's possible - or it's DH's decision. That's how it works in our relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Most things, especially if they involve finances, I let him have the final say. He is the one out making the money, if he needed to move to make this happen, I would go. If he felt we could not afford to have more mouths to feed, I would have to listen to that! As far as homeschooling, that would have to be more of a together decision. That is because I would have to be willing to teach/or take them to school, and it involves being able to fund the homeschool venture. What it really boils down to, though, is that I married a man that I fully trust to do the best he can for his family. If he feels strongly about something, I trust it is for a good reason. He will discuss it with me, so I do not feel like I have no input, but I trust him to make a final decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 A career change would go to the person actually doing the work. We would talk about it but ultimately if dh wanted a new / different job it would be up to him and I would support him. We either both agree on a baby or there is none. Homeschooling or moving we would have to find a way to agree or compromise. We've never disagreed and then one of us just gets the final say - never happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Depends on the area of contention. If it involves his job (as in where we will live), he decides. If it involves the kids (which we consider my job), I decide. If it involves money, we duke it out. No, we really don't argue too much over that. I once nixed a truck and last year he nixed a vacation to Italy, so we both get our way occasionally. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommee & Baba Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 (edited) If one of us feels strongly about something and the other doesn't mind, then the decision is made by the first; if we both feel strongly and disagree, we either compromise - if that's possible - or it's DH's decision. That's how it works in our relationship. :iagree: This is the way it usually is handled in our home. There are MANY situations where I am so bull-headed in my opinion that it shows through DH's decision so strongly that he usually re-considers IF he thinks it's something we can manage with some slight financial or emotional tweaking. However if DH sulks enough because of something we disagreed on that he really wanted a chance in attempting I will give in. BUT we don't look at it like we're caving, we call it ..... second compromise or third compromise because we DO have a care and concern for the other's feelings/opinions. For example...when it came to homeschooling I just went with it and he eventually jumped on the bandwagon after a couple years of having me push through it. Our recent disagreement is dh thinks neither of us will be capable of homeschooling our children in middle school and high school. I beg to differ. I think we can, but then again he hasn't looked into curriculum and he believes there is no curriculum that will help a parent teach a middle schooler or high schooler...so instead of argue about it...I kindly dismiss his misconceptions and will cross that bridge when the time comes....we've got another 3-4 years before we even have to start talking middle school and ALOT can happen from now and then. When it came to wanting another child...I just talked to dh alot about my want and feelings on the desire to expand our family and how I would be willing to cut out the cost of diapers and use cloth and make our own baby food instead of buying and how I'd breastfeed this one as I did our other children when they were babies....to cut the cost of having to ge formula. We just over-analyzed everything. When he comes to who will work and who stays home...we look at the college degree's. The line of work and the salary and base our decision off of that. I love that I'm blessed to be home with the kids and homeschool them. BUT if I had a college degree and would be able to make a decent living at working a job I enjoyed I would consider wanting to work atleast a COUPLE days a week in return for him to stay home and take the household and homeschool load, but I live in reality. Sorry to just babble and ramble. I just went off chasing a couple bunnies there.:tongue_smilie: Edited May 2, 2011 by mamaofblessings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Depends on the issue. We moved for DH's job, even though I did not want to - in our old location, he had a temporary job with no perspective, we moved to where he got a tenure track job with the possibility of a permanent position a few years later. Out of necessity, not by my choice. We decided because this was reasonable. And reasonable trumps emotion. This was the only huge decision where we had conflicting wishes. Job decisions are primarily the decisions of the person who is working the job - career changes, changing hours etc. The spouse can give input, but the person most affected is the one who does the work. Another baby: only when BOTH wholeheartedly agree that they want it. That is too big a responsibility to coax/nag/manipulate somebody into if he does not want it. And, unlike career changes or moves, an irreversible long term decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Career change questions go to the person with the career. Financial decisions are shared. More kids, we never could agree on #2 and #3, but then agreeing or not ended up not mattering for them. Homeschooling, home buying, home anything - must be a joint decision. Smaller disagreements go to the person that cares the most deeply about it. On occassions when we cannot gain a consensus, we just wait. A way eventually opens, or we come to a concensus. We aren't very good at compromise. My dh and I are both very strong-willed and opinonated, and we've been learning the art of compromise for our entire relationship. We've also had a long-running Federalist/anit-Federalist debate going on for about 10 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 In our case, if we really can't either compromise or let the issue be for awhile so we can discuss it and think through it, whoever will be most affected by it would make the decision. So, for example, my DH is on the job market right now. If he were to find a job in a place I really didn't want to move, I'd share my feelings on it, but ultimately it would be up to him to decide, because it's his job. We're also trying to decide if I'm going to teach any classes in the fall, since we're having a baby in August. DH is free to share his opinion with me, and I'll consider it, but the decision is ultimately mine. I honestly can't think of any time that's happened, though, where one of us went ahead and made a decision the other really felt strongly against. We've had plenty of disagreements, but with enough discussion and time, we've always been able to come to a solution we were both okay with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 With regards to finances or very large purchases, I usually let him handle that. That's his forte. With a career or job change (which we've never had to deal with), we would both weigh the pros/cons and talk it out. But for the most part, since he's the one working, I'd let him have the final decision. Regarding the kids, I usually get the final say. If it came down to moving, that's where the issue would lie. I've lived in this area my whole life...my whole family is here. He's lived here his whole life, for the most part, too. But some of his family has moved away. I'd be willing to have DH take a lower paying job to stay around here...even if that meant moving to a small house or apartment. I'm not sure that he'd agree. Hopefully that decision will never come to us. As for babies, he pretty much leaves that up to me....he figures that I have to carry them for 9 months and then be with them majority of the time. So he pretty much lets me make that decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 It mostly depends upon who will be dealing with the fallout of the decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 We negotiate/compromise. We didn't agree about HS and so we did PS for a few years. It also depends on who has to deal with all the issues/results. I wouldn't let dh have the deciding vote. But I did warn him that wasn't how we were going to do things before we got married. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 It depends. Who is the crux of the decision? Financial is decided by us both. He's very good at it, but sometimes I have to get bull headed if I we're going in different directions (say, investing). Moving? I'm the one. I live in the house the most, teach the kids, what have you. He has to like it, there has to be a financial green light (as an investment and as a bill) but for the most part, what makes me happy makes him happy. If he walked in the house and told me he sold the business...*shrug* I'm easy. If he put his foot down on homeschooling he's have a whole lotta fire and brimstone to deal with, but I don't see that happening as he loves it (though I drug him kicking and screaming, like most things he enjoys). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Major things like voluntarily moving to improve a financial situation, changing careers when one doesn't seem to be working out, HSing/not HSing, quitting a job vs. continuing to work, having another baby... When both parties have strong opinions and valid reasons and needs? What are your strategies for working that sort of thing out? TIA! The person most strongly impacted by the consequences of the decision should get to make it. If it's a baby though, both spouses should want it. (Ideally anyway--I do understand surprises happen :tongue_smilie:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnsinkableKristen Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 We don't make a decision until neither one of us feels like we're getting screwed. Thankfully, any time-sensitive matters we've had to deal with have still given us plenty of time to come up with a solution that we each felt comfortable with and didn't feel forced into. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamarie Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 If one of us feels strongly about something and the other doesn't mind, then the decision is made by the first; if we both feel strongly and disagree, we either compromise - if that's possible - or it's DH's decision. That's how it works in our relationship. :iagree: There have been quite a few things that have come up that DH and I just did not see eye to eye on. If it was something that neither of us was willing to compromise on, we generally take a specified time to pray about it and then eventually one of us changes their stance. Most recently, I gave in after praying about something for 3 weeks. I'm still not happy with the decision, but I know it's the way God was leading me. Before that I gave in about not HSing next year--DH was against HSing anymore and I was very for HSing again. But 2 years ago DH gave in to HSing when he was very against it. He gave in about having baby #3. Etc, etc. We go back and forth with who wins and who loses and the biggie decisions are almost always made after we both take time to pray and then one person compromises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 If one of us feels strongly about something and the other doesn't mind, then the decision is made by the first; if we both feel strongly and disagree, we either compromise - if that's possible - or it's DH's decision. That's how it works in our relationship. This is us also. We follow a Christian principle of headship, where the husband is the head of the household. Having a loving hubby, the above post is what that looks like. Hubby is very easy going on most things and I am very opinionated. (Shock!) So mostly my opinion prevails. He doesn't overrule my opinion unless he has a very valid reason or very strong opinion to the contrary. In that case we try to compromise, or if not, I will voice my objections and then support his decision to the best of my ability. (Disclaimer: Obviously not always perfect at this!!;)) The times that this has happened have always been after intense but respectful discussion where I know I am being heard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 We don't make a decision until neither one of us feels like we're getting screwed. I like that! Very succinct way of putting it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 In our pre-marital counseling, the Pastor said that if you disagree, you don't move forward on it until you can come up with a solution both agree with. If that means the investment opportunity is missed, so be it. In many cases, the person who is most affected or has done the most research makes the decision with the blessing of the other party -- we have most of our responsibilities divided up fairly well. But on things where we need to agree, we wait. Usually an even better option will come along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 You know, it has never happened. I don't know what we would do if one of us felt very strongly about an issue and the other felt differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 The one who puts the most time, thought, research and prayer into the topic/issue gets to decide. That's always been me. :) Thankfully my dh recognizes the effort I put into decisions and respects that. He also knows that I am a strong (ahem...to put it lightly) personality and if he tried to make a major decision that is not carefully and prayerfully thought out I won't budge. Marriage experts might frown on that but these issues are too huge, IMO, to be made lightly or out of a self-centered focus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 If there is an issue we can't agree on, we will table the discussion and rediscuss. Basically, we have found that taking a time out from the issue and talking later, usually results in other options or sometimes, one of us will realize we were just being stubborn! Sometimes in the subsequent discussions we realize we were both saying the same thing in different ways... Only one subject took us over a year to discuss...Whew! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amirah Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 Most things, especially if they involve finances, I let him have the final say. He is the one out making the money, if he needed to move to make this happen, I would go. If he felt we could not afford to have more mouths to feed, I would have to listen to that! As far as homeschooling, that would have to be more of a together decision. That is because I would have to be willing to teach/or take them to school, and it involves being able to fund the homeschool venture. What it really boils down to, though, is that I married a man that I fully trust to do the best he can for his family. If he feels strongly about something, I trust it is for a good reason. He will discuss it with me, so I do not feel like I have no input, but I trust him to make a final decision. :iagree: thats how we handle these situations as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 I can't think of a time during our marriage, so the past 8.5 years, when we either didn't agree or couldn't reach a compromise. I know that I could nearly always get my way if I wanted to push an issue, but I don't go around do that just because I can. I do not, however, defer to my dh out of a sense of religious duty. Nope. That's not how we roll. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 We are so fortunate that we almost always agree or comprimise on important things. I am also fortunate that I almost always get my way! :D. My dh is easy-going in most things. The most major disagreement we had was several years ago. I really wanted another baby and he was gentle but very firm in his no to me. Finances and health concerns during pregnancy were the reasons. I was very sad for a time. The baby lust feeling did pass in a reasonable amount of time and I am happy with the size of our family. His no was out of genuine concern and I respect and appreciate that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 If we both feel strongly about something but with opposing views, we let the more conservative/less risky (or the one involving the least change) view win out. So, if one wants to move and the other doesn't, then we don't. If one wanted another baby and the other didn't, then we wouldn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5Wizards Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 I can't think of a time during our marriage, so the past 8.5 years, when we either didn't agree or couldn't reach a compromise. I do not, however, defer to my dh out of a sense of religious duty. Nope. That's not how we roll. :tongue_smilie: :iagree: Except for us, it's been almost 12 years of marriage. We pretty much agree on most major life issues. If there are things we disagree about, usually one of us feels very strongly and the other doesn't, so that makes it easy. We have some different views on certain things, but those things don't have anything to do with decisions we've had to make. I feel pretty darn lucky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 It mostly depends upon who will be dealing with the fallout of the decision. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 As head of household, dh gets the final say/vote. Even if I hate it. Even if I disagree. True submission would require me keeping my mouth shut and cheerfully supporting him. But I'm not there yet. So I brood. And I argue. And I let him know I am NOT happy. I'm working on it. But I'm not there yet. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Hmm....most of the time it depends on who will be effected more. We really do trust each other's opinions, so we are NOT close minded when it comes to these things. For instance, i wanted to have a homebirth, but he was very against it. However, he trusts me to know what I'm talking about, and was willing to listen to my reasons, meet with a midwife, etc. In the end, he trusted me and was very supportive. Same with homeschooling. He really didn't want me to do it. I wanted to pull my son out midyear last year, he didn't want me to ever homeschool. Again, he trusted me, but had reservations. We compromised by waiting and homeschooling this year. It effected me more than him, so I got the final say, but I compromised and waited until this year. As for moving, if it was for his work, and I don't have a job, then that seems obvious to me. Before we got married I lived in another town, and it was an easy decision for me to move to his town because I could find a job as a vet tech anywhere, but he was employed by a multinational company and would not be able to find a similar job in my town. So it was just logical. I guess we just talk it through and do what makes sense. If we don't agree we keep talking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) If one of us feels strongly about something and the other doesn't mind, then the decision is made by the first; if we both feel strongly and disagree, we either compromise - if that's possible - or it's DH's decision. That's how it works in our relationship. This is how it works at our house, too. I think you have to agree to let someone have the final say in major decisions, or some things would never get done. However, when it comes to issues about safety or taking bodily risks (us or the kids) we have a "the NO vote wins" rule. For instance, when my husband wanted to let our then 13 year old daughter ride her bike 2-3 miles away to her riding lessons along a rural country road, my (adamant) NO vote won because I felt it was unsafe. There was a kid from school who wanted one of our girls to spend the night, but my husband got a *bad vibe* from the husband. She didn't go. Neither of us would do anything that the other felt was too dangerous for ourselves or for the kids. So on those issues, we always have to agree or it doesn't happen. Edited May 3, 2011 by Abigail4476 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Major things like voluntarily moving to improve a financial situation, changing careers when one doesn't seem to be working out, HSing/not HSing, quitting a job vs. continuing to work, having another baby... When both parties have strong opinions and valid reasons and needs? What are your strategies for working that sort of thing out? TIA! To address this one specifically, having a baby has to be a mutual decision. Either both agree...or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joysworld Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 If it was something we were both very passionate about and we couldn't find a compromise, then dh makes the final decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 (edited) I think it is important to first clarify our personalities. I'm a quick-decision maker who hates change so I usually dig in my heels and say, "NO!" LOL. He is a laid back kind of guy who takes his time and enjoys the ride so he usually says, "Sure, whatever." The goal in our marriage is usually for me to work through the issue until I arrive at, "Okay, I'm willing to think about it," and for him to reach a point where he says, "Okay, I'll actually think about it." Once we both reach that point, we've always agreed on the decision. :lol: If we absolutely could not reach a decision after seeking advice, praying about it, and talking, talking, talking, I'd let hubby decide. Why? Though I believe it is the biblical thing to do, ultimately it would be because I trust him and know he loves me. Edited May 3, 2011 by Daisy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 We don't make a decision until neither one of us feels like we're getting screwed. You know, it has never happened. I don't know what we would do if one of us felt very strongly about an issue and the other felt differently. Both of these are us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patchfire Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Honestly? Me. It works for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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