I need some perspective about guest situations here...or maybe just a vent??

[NCMom]

Ok first let me say that my dh has out me in THREE untenable positions (for me) in the last year, all involving the same other family, a family who lives 900 miles away (where we used to live) and has 2 same age kids as mine. We were not super close, and our kids never connected while there, tho they do somewhat now. We used to be in the same co-op and the adults all knew each other from other venues.

 

My dh was very close with the dad. I don't want to bash my dh, and get in trouble ;) plus I realize that I am very hurt by his actions and cannot be unbiased, so I will leave him out of it, so to speak. Clearly, I have serious issues too, which you will see after reading this, lol.

 

But...I also need to know if the other family's actions are ok. They do not feel ok to me. :glare: But honestly, I had such a screwed up childhood that my "normal" about these things may not be.

 

1st incident - The dad calls my dh and somehow it comes about that they are coming down and on the way will be dropping off their 2 large dogs for me to watch for 2+ days. Dh tells me this ONE day before they arrive. I am so upset that no one contacted ME (the person responsible for the dogs) that the mom can actually tell (and this is very unusual for me) so she offers to have my 2 girls go with them down on the next, 1 day, part of their trip. I can tell that this was NOT their original plan, but both dads are gung ho about it. I am soooo mortified!!! Uugh...

 

2nd - dad calls my dh and TELLS him that their two kids are in the area visiting their older sib at college and will be driven down to stay at our house for a few days. I am told this 2 weeks before. I feel like I am being suffocated. LOL. So I find the ONLY weekend we do not have anything and say just come. It is a big deal and I use 1/2 of our tiny amount of Christmas money to prepare and to drive them 1/2 of the way back, but my dh is totally on board. I was not the best hostess; I tried but knowing that we could not have a tree etc. cause that money was now gone kinda got me down. I hope the kids did not notice that I was not 100%. :blushing:

 

 

3rd - dad calls my dh (in the am today) and TELLS him that he and one of their kids are driving through and will be here in the pm. My dh tells me ONE hour before they arrive and only tells me the dad is coming. I have been sick all week, was at swim practice all AM. We have NO, none, nada, zip food in the house and probably will have about half of our regular food budget for the next 2 weeks anyway. My girls are tired and ASLEEP when dh tells me this at 4pm. I freak out. Totally. I super clean the house (thank goodness it was mostly clean!), go into our room and turn off the light. I felt so stupid, but just could.not.handle.it.

 

After they have been here for 2 hours, the dad announces it's time to eat then goes and asks HIS kid what she wants. I hear her say what she wants. Ironically, something my dh has never heard of, haha. I do hear my dh say he is not making that. The dad is disgruntled. :lol: Then I guess they left to go get some?? In his defense, I'll bet the dad will pay for much/most of of the food 'cause they are very, very generous people.

 

We have never, ever, ever invited ourselves to their house. DO people really do this? Not one time have I or my kids heard from them between these visits. Dh chats with the dad 10 times a year or so.

 

I can tell that they value the friendship though. But they make 4x what we do and just probably do not understand that I would have to budget for 1 or more months to entertain like they do or at all right now since my dh hasn't worked a full week since before T-giving.

 

Can I do anything that would kinda subtly help? Or am I just crazy?

 

thanks for listening anyway!

Georgia

[gardening momma]

You need to sort this out with your dh. Most of the communication with this other family seems to be going through your dh, and you don't agree with your dh's choices (I wouldn't either). Can't bash dh's here, though, so we can't really get into it. ;) Seems like a marital issue. (My opinion--put your foot down & tell dh no.) Obviously someone here will disagree.

[Catwoman]

You really put up with this stuff???????????

 

I know that you aren't allowed to bash your husband on this forum, but I would strongly suggest doing it in real life... with a bat. :glare:

 

Has he no consideration for you or your dc at all??? He would sacrifice his own family's Christmas tree just to keep this other guy happy?

 

Is he having a secret affair with the guy or something?

 

Sorry, Georgia, but this is just too bizarre for words.

 

The other family is behaving entirely inappropriately, but your dh is the one to blame for allowing (and inviting) it.

 

Time to put on your big girl panties and tell your dh that this family's free ride is over. If your dh wants to maintain a friendship with the other man and you're ok with it, have them meet for lunch or dinner, or arrange a family activity that doesn't involve anyone taking advantage of you -- like meeting for a picnic at a park or something.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I honestly can't imagine why you have tolerated it. If my dh said we weren't having a Christmas tree so he could spend the money on things for his buddy, I'd tell him to pack his stuff because he'd be moving in with the guy. :glare:

 

There is no way I'd put up with anything remotely like the situations you've described, and while you're being a real saint about it, you're not standing up for yourself or your kids, and if your dh doesn't value your feelings over those of a friend he sees 10 times a year, that's a major red flag in my book.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

Cat

[NCMom]

You need to sort this out with your dh. Most of the communication with this other family seems to be going through your dh, and you don't agree with your dh's choices (I wouldn't either). Can't bash dh's here, though, so we can't really get into it. ;) Seems like a marital issue. (My opinion--put your foot down & tell dh no.) Obviously someone here will disagree.

 

Yeah, I kinda figured that. But for some reason he has made this a hill-to-die-on kinda thing. Uugh. How does one deal with that. Just suck it up?? Geez we've been married almost 23 years you'd think I could figure this out. Though my hill was to be TOLD ahead of time. :glare:

 

And also, I should have said that he comes from a culture where a guest is super, duper important. Clearly too much so. lol

 

I just pray no one else from our old state come down anytime soon!! lol.

 

Georgia

[LauraGB]

Can I do anything that would kinda subtly help? Or am I just crazy?

 

thanks for listening anyway!

Georgia

 

I don't think you are crazy. I think you are being (possibly inadvertently) taken advantage of. :grouphug: I agree you need to have a serious sit down with your dh. I wonder if this other guy is being led to believe that these things are welcome, which kind of absolves him of blame.

 

For what it's worth, it would not be okay with me. Especially #2 and #3. Talk to your dh. Be sure things are understood.

[Catwoman]

But for some reason he has made this a hill-to-die-on kinda thing. Uugh. How does one deal with that. Just suck it up??

 

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but if he has made this a hill to die on, your relationship has some serious issues. There is no logical reason why this friend should be so important to your dh. NONE.

 

There must be a lot more going on here, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

 

Cat

[mycalling]

Do you know the wife well enough to bring it up to her? Maybe your husband feels ambushed, too. It may be up to you to say something to this man during these visits, especially anything of a financial burden. Men just don't admit a downfall in this area to other men...especially ones who make 4 times what they do.

[NCMom]

You really put up with this stuff???????????

 

I know that you aren't allowed to bash your husband on this forum, but I would strongly suggest doing it in real life... with a bat. :glare:

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I honestly can't imagine why you have tolerated it. If my dh said we weren't having a Christmas tree so he could spend the money on things for his buddy, I'd tell him to pack his stuff because he'd be moving in with the guy. :glare:

 

Cat

 

:lol: I hear ya. It is sooo bizarre that I feel wierd reading it. I think that my dh thinks that my kids really connect with their kids and miss them and miss our old life. This is not the case. I think my dh misses our old life.

 

I feel better already but I'm still not coming out. :tongue_smilie:

 

Georgia

Edited January 23, 2011 by Georgia in NC

[Kirch]

My snarky side wants to say that you should let dh deal with the fallout of his decision to agree to these things--he gets to play host, he gets to worry about cleaning, he gets to worry about where the money will come from, etc.

 

All snark aside, though, it does sound like you have some communication issues with dh. You need to make it clear to him that it's not okay for him to make those kinds of decisions for you without your input. It doesn't sound like you've told him that at all, and I know that some guys need things pretty much spelled out for them. It also sounds like he's pretty clueless about the budget situation, either about how much you do/don't have or about how much it costs to host guests (or both).

 

It sounds like you may need to set some boundaries with the family, but are you 100% sure that your dh hasn't said something to the effect that they are welcome to come stay whenever they're in the area? I'm not convinced that they're the ones with boundary issues, since it seems like from your post that they worked the stuff out with your dh. If it comes out that they manipulated him into offering or doing what they asked, that would be different. But now that it's happened a few times, they may just simply think that your families are closer than *you* feel they are, close enough to assume they're welcome whenever they're out your way (and especially if your dh contributed to that assumption).

[NCMom]

Do you know the wife well enough to bring it up to her? Maybe your husband feels ambushed, too. It may be up to you to say something to this man during these visits, especially anything of a financial burden. Men just don't admit a downfall in this area to other men...especially ones who make 4 times what they do.

 

I never thought of it this way. Back when my dh had his own business, this guy got him some of the best subcontract work ever - truly amazing experience in his field. Maybe he does feel obligated.

 

And I will say that the other dad is probably not realizing this is a hassle at all. He is one of those truly brilliant computer geeks who does not live in the real world at all.

 

Georgia

[Plink]

I guess I'll be the odd one ... feel free to say I'm wrong, I can take it. :D

 

Honestly, it sounds like a typical guy thing to me. Men don't connect (or plan ahead) like ladies do. It sounds as if your DH gets a call saying "Hey, we are going to be in your area tomorrow. It would be fun to get together. We'll swing by around 6:00. Okay?"

 

Now, you are totally right that your DH should give you as much notice as possible, and the dog-sitting thing was really weird, but other than that, I don't think huge amounts of notice are a requirement for plans with friends.

 

Let the house go, serve them whatever is in the cupboard, and try to enjoy it as much as you can.

[kamom]

I guess I'll be the odd one ... feel free to say I'm wrong, I can take it. :D

 

Honestly, it sounds like a typical guy thing to me. Men don't connect (or plan ahead) like ladies do. It sounds as if your DH gets a call saying "Hey, we are going to be in your area tomorrow. It would be fun to get together. We'll swing by around 6:00. Okay?"

 

Now, you are totally right that your DH should give you as much notice as possible, and the dog-sitting thing was really weird, but other than that, I don't think huge amounts of notice are a requirement for plans with friends.

 

Let the house go, serve them whatever is in the cupboard, and try to enjoy it as much as you can.

:iagree:

If my dh had a guy friend that he talked with 10 times a year. I would consider him a friend and try to make it work. I also agree that you and your dh need to work it out.

[kamom]

Another thing to consider is that he did help you in the past. The children must enjoy you otherwise they wouldn't have wanted to come.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Honestly? Watching two dogs doesn't seem that big a deal to me. But then I would just throw them in the back yard, put them in their crates when they need to come in and feed them. I would assign 90% of it to my kids.

 

Two weeks notice on the second visit? Sounds like your dh was trying to accommodate your need to know ahead of time.

 

One hour notice esp. when you've been sick etc. is too little time. I would have reacted as you did.

 

Money seems to be a problem. Tell your dh that he needs to make an entertaining budget and fund it. You cannot be taking money from your own grocery money or Christmas money.

[NCMom]

So I'm wondering if I could/should just call the mom and say that I want to be informed about visits. To please call ME, too. I will blame it on my dh's island time issues.

 

I ~think~ I have enough social skills to do this without intimating that I would rather not have any uninvited guests (who insist on having certain things for dinner and are in my kitchen making them). :lol:

 

Then I will tell my dh one.more.time. that I WILL be informed of all guests ahead of time. If this happens then I will NOT freak out. Well ok, I will freak out, but only on the inside. ;)

 

Georgia

[lmrich]

I will agree that your dh doesnt get it. AND the other dad doesn't get it. This is not your hill to die. Next time it happens (probably on their way back to their home) just say that your food budget has been really tight and do they mind eating before they come. If it is a pride thing with dh this might drive it home with him.

 

By the way I think this other family has no idea that you are being put out the way you are - they see you as a generous and kind hostess - that is why they keep coming back...

[Denisemomof4]

 

And I will say that the other dad is probably not realizing this is a hassle at all. He is one of those truly brilliant computer geeks who does not live in the real world at all.

 

Georgia

 

oh. I get it now, and I truly wouldn't be upset with him. I'm SURE he doesn't get it AT ALL. I'm married to one of those truly brilliant computer geeks. ;)

[happypamama]

I don't think that kind of short notice is typical of most guests.

 

I think you need to have a good talk with your DH. If need be, write down your thoughts and let him read them first, so that you're calm and able to stick to facts.

 

Perhaps your DH is getting more notice but is afraid you'll say no, so he waits until last minute to tell you, because it's harder to say no then. In that case, let him know that you're happy to accommodate his friends, but MORE notice would actually be helpful.

 

Does he actually realize the effects this is having (ie no Christmas tree)? Perhaps showing him the numbers would be helpful. If his doing this means that the family budget is sacrificing, that may need to come from any of his personal spending money, if he has any. Maybe that would help him to realize he needs to give you advance notice so you can budget.

 

Maybe he does feel like he can't say no, in which case, you need to work together to find workable solutions.

 

Maybe he just doesn't realize what a hardship this sort of thing puts on you, in which case, a lot of statements like, "I felt. . . " and "this is the effect it had on our family. . . " might help him understand. Ask him what he can do to make these things easier on you.

 

If he really won't meet you at least partway and find workable solutions, I would calmly say things like, "I'm sorry, but my schedule is too full this weekend to watch dogs/entertain people/drive kids around," and then stick to it. Let him deal with it.

[Annabel Lee]

If I were in your shoes, and feeling the same feelings you've expressed here, I'd probably just put on my coat, get the keys, and take a long, scenic drive until they leave my house. Having guests over is one thing, but either you, your dh, or these people (or a combo) are putting some crazy-high expectations on the entertainment. Can't engaging discussion w/ one another *be* the entertainment? I also wouldn't allow people I'm not super-close with to rummage around my kitchen cooking things for themselves simply b/c it's not on my menu. I would show them the menu posted on the fridge and say "Nope, no sushi or penne with greens & pine-nuts today. See? It says goulash. We have fixings for goulash in the house. All other ingredients in my cupboards are designated for these other meals you see on my menu for later dates." I'd try not to be that snippy about it, I'd reword it nicely, but I would really just leave it at that. For Pete's sake, if they want to order specific meals they should go to a restaurant. That's my buck-fifty.

[Renee in NC]

None of this would bother me at all, but obviously it bothers you. Talk to your dh.

[Sun]

So I'm wondering if I could/should just call the mom and say that I want to be informed about visits. To please call ME, too. I will blame it on my dh's island time issues.

 

I ~think~ I have enough social skills to do this without intimating that I would rather not have any uninvited guests (who insist on having certain things for dinner and are in my kitchen making them). :lol:

 

Then I will tell my dh one.more.time. that I WILL be informed of all guests ahead of time. If this happens then I will NOT freak out. Well ok, I will freak out, but only on the inside. ;)

 

Georgia

 

I would do this. She probably has no idea that you're not finding out until shortly before they get there (except for the 2-week notice time).

 

Also, since your dh got one of his best jobs ever from this guy, I'd imagine that he feels a bit indebted. If it were my dh, I'd try to be understanding of it, even if he couldn't really express why it mattered to him. But, my dh also doesn't ask for much usually, so when he does, I try to accommodate if I can! YMMV, obviously!

[Scuff]

It sounds like they're assuming a closer relatuonship than you believe you have. Yes, there are friends who I'd invite myself over to, but they are close friends. Friends I wouldn't mind 1 hour notice because I just enjoy their company. Friends you don't clean for. :) keeping it real. If I were you, I'd just go with it, but within your limitations. Obviously your Dh and this other dh are close. You can accept them warmly and be friendly and hospitable while still letting them no that you can't afford such and such on short notice. I'd also be chatting with dh about keeping me in the loop and not over-extending ourselves. I imagine if they make so much more than yku, they might not realize what a hardship it is to your family.

[forty-two]

My paternal grandparents always had/have people calling up to say that they are in the area, mind if they stop by? And they were always welcome - the short notice wasn't a problem. Grandma used to cook for everyone, but now she just says that you're welcome to use the kitchen and eat whatever you can find :).

 

My mom, otoh, would *freak* at anything resembling short notice wrt guests. And she'd hate the dogsitting thing, too - likes dogs well enough at other people's houses, but not hers. She happily pays to board ours when we visit (since it is out of our budget). But my dad knows that, and would never do it to her (and would totally hear about it if he did ;)). Heck, my entire family knows that - mom hates short notice for anything, and seriously stresses about hosting people - we all know the combo would be *very* bad.

 

I would freak at one hour's notice, b/c that is not enough time even to crisis clean. *But* if I happened to *have* a clean house, I wouldn't care at all. And if they wanted something particular, they are more than welcome to make use of my kitchen ;). I'm never going to be the dinner party sort, but I would rather like to have people drop in (if only I could keep the house clean <sigh>).

[Remudamom]

Next time he wants to play host pack up the kids and go. Hotel, visit grandma, anything.

[Catwoman]

Wow. I'm surprised that so many people wouldn't think this was a big deal. I can't imagine tolerating that kind of behavior -- from the other dad or from my dh.

 

Maybe I'm just mean, but if my dh thought it was ok to spend half of the Christmas money on a friend, knowing that the expenditure would result in no family Christmas tree, I would be absolutely livid.

 

Now, maybe Georgia hasn't been as vocal about these things as she should have been, but it sounds to me as though she has told her dh that she objects to these demands, and she mentioned in one of her posts that he has chosen them as a hill to die on. Doesn't that seem a bit extreme on his part?

 

I'm asking about this, because I truly want to know -- I'm not being snarky -- Why is it ok with anyone that Georgia's dh is prioritizing this friend over his wife? When the friend says jump, not only does he do it, but he pawns off the work on poor Georgia, who isn't even close friends with the family. That seems very wrong to me.

 

Cat

[Remudamom]

Wow. I'm surprised that so many people wouldn't think this was a big deal. I can't imagine tolerating that kind of behavior -- from the other dad or from my dh.

 

Maybe I'm just mean, but if my dh thought it was ok to spend half of the Christmas money on a friend, knowing that the expenditure would result in no family Christmas tree, I would be absolutely livid.

 

Now, maybe Georgia hasn't been as vocal about these things as she should have been, but it sounds to me as though she has told her dh that she objects to these demands, and she mentioned in one of her posts that he has chosen them as a hill to die on. Doesn't that seem a bit extreme on his part?

 

I'm asking about this, because I truly want to know -- I'm not being snarky -- Why is it ok with anyone that Georgia's dh is prioritizing this friend over his wife? When the friend says jump, not only does he do it, but he pawns off the work on poor Georgia, who isn't even close friends with the family. That seems very wrong to me.

 

Cat

 

Yep, I think the whole thing is way out of line. We've got a couple of friend families that are welcome to drop by with a 90 second heads up, but this isn't the case here.

[forty-two]

Just to clarify, while I don't see anything necessarily odd about the other family wanting to drop in on short notice (which was the q I thought the OP was asking) - it's very normal for some in my family (and verboten for others) - I don't think it is fair to operate that way unless everyone affected is ok with it. Since the OP is *not* ok with it, I agree that she shouldn't just have to suck it up and deal - that her dh should be willing to work out a compromise. Personally, I'd bring up my pov constantly until I was sure my dh understood just how important this was to me, and we had a compromise we could both live with in place.

[sandellie4]

We have an issue somewhat similar to this, except for the disparity in income. My husband has a friend that will just drop by, like he'll call from 45 minutes away, and it used to be that I'd have to scramble to get the kids dressed (sometimes they had had their baths and were in pjs, but not in bed), etc. The money thing particularly bothered me because this guy was built like a linebacker and he could really put away the food. He'd eat an entire package of cookies while he talked at the table, my wide-eyed kids sitting there like orphans watching him eat the cookies I'd purchased for the week. My dh and I argued about it. I didn't like having to drop everything all the time. But as we talked, and argued, it became apparent that this man, for whatever raeson, was like a brother to dh...which to him meant that this man could not be an imposition.

 

I compromised because it was just totally stressing me out. When the man is coming over, I suggest, if I feel up to it, that we all go out for coffee and ice cream. I always pick a dessert,the implication being that we assume he's eaten. Then the entire-family aspect of the visit was confined to however long we could all sit at the table. Plus, since we weren't all at my house, the guys naturally just went dutch on the bill. Then we'd invite the guy over to the house to talk some more with dh, but then it was okay for me to disappear, getting the kids ready for bed, etc. Sometimes the guy would eat a sandwich or something, but not nearly as much as he had previously because he'd just eaten ice cream or whatever at the Friendly's.

 

In addition, and this was the hard part for me, I had to just let the house be as it was. If laundry was piled by the couch, well then, sigh, it would be there when he visited. This was awkward at first, but it did help that in my case it was a bachelor visiting, not someone with a wife or kids I felt I had to clean for. I think I could have done it with a family visiting, too, though, because I have so many children around that anyone can see where I put my priorities -- not on housecleaning.

 

We did have a neighbor family a few years ago who used to drop by more than my husband or I liked. But it was awkward to turn them away. After this went on for a bit, I'd enlist one of the kids in a chore. Like if I were washing clothes, I'd look over my shoulder at the little princess sitting on the couch and I'd say, "Lovie, grab that hamper for me, would you? Just follow me downstairs...." LOL

 

:grouphug: to you. It's hard when something like this comes between you in a relationship.

 

Sandy

[5kidsforME]

You do realize this has nothing to do with your/dh's friends? This is a problem between you and your dh.

[elfgivas]

None of this would bother me at all, but obviously it bothers you. Talk to your dh.

 

:iagree:

 

i'm delighted when folks call/drop in unexpectedly. sometimes they knew they were coming to our part of the world, but didn't know whether or not they would have time. my friends tend to plan; dh's tend not to.

 

and i would be thrilled if they brought food and cooked it!

 

i would not spend the money for the christmas tree on anyone.

 

just typing that last sentence made me think that maybe your sense of being a good hostess and your husband's aren't the same, and that it might be a good idea to talk that through. what did he think of them cooking? would he have chosen guests over a christmas tree?

 

i'm firmly in the "i can only change me" camp, so i would practice in the bathroom mirror calmly saying to dh the next time he says they're coming... "oh, that's great dear. do you think they'll be here at meal time? what were you thinking of feeding them? and where is the money going to come from? if you took the bus to work for the next two weeks, then we could have roast chicken. what do you think?" that puts the consequences in clear terms that affect him more than you, and that may help. ie. i'd work on clear boundaries for me, and then i'd work on being able to set them clearly but pleasantly with dh.... a different version might be "i felt really caught between a rock and a hard place when the kids were here before christmas and the only place i could think to find the money was to not get a tree. that bothered me a lot, so i'm hoping you can help me find the money in an easier way. do you have any ideas how we can feed them?"

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Denisemomof4]

Wow. I'm surprised that so many people wouldn't think this was a big deal. I can't imagine tolerating that kind of behavior -- from the other dad or from my dh.

 

 

Cat

 

When I said not to be upset with "him" I mean the other guy. I have met many an engineer and I'm not surprised that this guy doesn't realize he's being rude.

 

Her husband, however, is a different story. When I read your first response I lol'd because I never saw you respond like that before, but it was spot on. :001_smile:

[kalanamak]

 

Honestly, it sounds like a typical guy thing to me. Men don't connect (or plan ahead) like ladies do. It sounds as if your DH gets a call saying "Hey, we are going to be in your area tomorrow. It would be fun to get together. We'll swing by around 6:00. Okay?"

 

 

 

:iagree: And the men are oblivious to the rolled eyes of the best buddy's wife when she sees how old your towels are. BTDT.

[Catwoman]

When I said not to be upset with "him" I mean the other guy. I have met many an engineer and I'm not surprised that this guy doesn't realize he's being rude.

 

Her husband, however, is a different story. When I read your first response I lol'd because I never saw you respond like that before, but it was spot on. :001_smile:

 

Thanks, Denise! :001_smile:

 

I don't blame the other guy, either. I get the feeling that Georgia's dh has rolled out the red carpet for him so many times, that he just assumes that he's always welcome, and that it's fine to ask for last-minute favors. For all we know, he would be just as welcoming if the situation were reversed and Georgia's dh called him at the last minute and said he was dropping in with his family.

 

My problem is that Georgia's dh appears to have a serious lack of consideration for her feelings, and it troubles me that he would prioritize this guy's needs and wants over those of his own family.

 

My dh would never do anything like that, mainly because I'm not nearly as kind and accommodating as Georgia is, and also because he knows in his heart that living in his car would get uncomfortable after a while... ;)

 

Cat

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks, Denise! :001_smile:

 

I don't blame the other guy, either. I get the feeling that Georgia's dh has rolled out the red carpet for him so many times, that he just assumes that he's always welcome, and that it's fine to ask for last-minute favors. For all we know, he would be just as welcoming if the situation were reversed and Georgia's dh called him at the last minute and said he was dropping in with his family.

 

My problem is that Georgia's dh appears to have a serious lack of consideration for her feelings, and it troubles me that he would prioritize this guy's needs and wants over those of his own family.

 

My dh would never do anything like that, mainly because I'm not nearly as kind and accommodating as Georgia is, and also because he knows in his heart that living in his car would get uncomfortable after a while... ;)

 

Cat

:lol::lol::lol:

[kalanamak]

Honestly? Watching two dogs doesn't seem that big a deal to me. But then I would just throw them in the back yard, put them in their crates when they need to come in and feed them. I would assign 90% of it to my kids.

.

 

I babysat a bassett that would howl if left alone, had no tolerance of the cold, pooped without warning right after coming in, and when it was a temperate day and I fed her outside, she was dive-bombed by seagulls and crapped on. Not all dogs are what you think of as "dogs". This one was special....say, you may have even MET her: Oprah, the hound we had to bring along to Crissy's, or else there would have been a crate full of dog doo waiting for us.

[Kate CA]

Wow. I'm surprised that so many people wouldn't think this was a big deal. I can't imagine tolerating that kind of behavior -- from the other dad or from my dh.

 

Maybe I'm just mean, but if my dh thought it was ok to spend half of the Christmas money on a friend, knowing that the expenditure would result in no family Christmas tree, I would be absolutely livid.

 

Now, maybe Georgia hasn't been as vocal about these things as she should have been, but it sounds to me as though she has told her dh that she objects to these demands, and she mentioned in one of her posts that he has chosen them as a hill to die on. Doesn't that seem a bit extreme on his part?

 

I'm asking about this, because I truly want to know -- I'm not being snarky -- Why is it ok with anyone that Georgia's dh is prioritizing this friend over his wife? When the friend says jump, not only does he do it, but he pawns off the work on poor Georgia, who isn't even close friends with the family. That seems very wrong to me.

 

Cat

 

You are not alone. I don't get it AT ALL. Your family Christmas money? :confused::confused::confused:

[myfunnybunch]

I think you are being (possibly inadvertently) taken advantage of. :grouphug: I agree you need to have a serious sit down with your dh. I wonder if this other guy is being led to believe that these things are welcome, which kind of absolves him of blame.

 

I agree with this. I don't think this is the friends' issue.

 

If your dh is the kind of guy that loves guests and would say, "Come any time, we'd love to see you!" this good friend probably takes him at his word--that he (and you by extension) would love host and help the family. And if when they do say they are visiting, he makes them feel welcomed with open arms, they probably have no idea that they are affecting your budget or that you act strained because you are strained by their visits.

 

Other than that....:grouphug: I am sorry your dh can't seem to hear your message, which is (I think) not that you don't want to be welcoming, but that the surprise element and the strain he's placing on your time and the family budget by committing you to hosting this family are burdensome for you.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[AHASRADA]

I would like to jump in and say this is likely a "man" issue, but also a cultural issue.

 

Yes, guys tend not to "get it", don't understand why cleaning the house before guests arrive is a big deal, think you can just eat "whatever", etc.

 

At the same time, my dh also comes from a culture where guests are extremely important. In his country, we have been served beautiful meals by people who likely wouldn't be able to buy meat for the rest of the month due to hosting us. A very poor childhood neighbor of my dh gifted me some beautiful cloth, enough to make a formal dress, which she had obviously purchased for herself and likely had to save up for months (a year maybe?) to buy. I have been given shoes off of women's feet simply because I commented that I liked them. None of these people cared that we made 10x as much as them; culturally it was an honor for them to display their hospitality in this way.

 

That said, I personally freak out any time guests are expected, even with 2 weeks notice. My house is never company-ready, and it takes 2 solid days to get it to a point where I feel I could allow people to see it, then another 2 solid days of cooking. If these are overnight guests, add another day of cleaning.

 

As you can imagine, this combination has caused conflict. The most important thing is to truly communicate, and discuss this issue outside the heat of the moment, when you can both be objective and truly hear the other person.

 

Your dh has to come to realize he is living in the US, with an American wife, and some aspects of his culture and/or behavior are unacceptable and considered rude here.

 

You need to try and understand that some of his self-worth is likely wrapped up in these gracious hostings, and for him, it would be rude to ask for earlier notice, or to tell them you are unavailable, etc.

 

Then, you have to find a happy medium. Find out what you each are and are not willing to compromise on, and make it work. Believe me, it's not easy. After 20 years, we are 75% of the way toward a solution :tongue_smilie:.

 

In the meantime, do not change your plans for them. Let your dh host them as he sees fit, and get on with your life. I know, easier said than done, but it's the only way to save your sanity until he realizes how his hospitality is affecting you.

[PiCO]

Sounds like you and your dh have gone around on this for a while, and it's important to your dh that you entertain this family.

 

What I would do is just have a couple freezer meals ready to go, and not worry so much about. Obviously your dh thinks of this family as, well, family. To me that means the house does not need to be perfect. If you are stressed out when they arrive, go talk to them and tell them you are absolutely wiped out from your day, but you have an easy meal dh can prepare.

[elfgivas]

Yeah, I kinda figured that. But for some reason he has made this a hill-to-die-on kinda thing. Uugh. How does one deal with that. Just suck it up?? Geez we've been married almost 23 years you'd think I could figure this out. Though my hill was to be TOLD ahead of time. :glare:

 

And also, I should have said that he comes from a culture where a guest is super, duper important. Clearly too much so. lol

 

I just pray no one else from our old state come down anytime soon!! lol.

 

Georgia

 

the "hill to die on" comment stuck with me, and i've found myself thinking about it ever since....

 

i'm wondering if it might help to separate out the issues....

is the hill

1) giving you advance notice

2) being a gracious hostess to this particular family

3) being a gracious hostess to anyone

 

i'm wondering if he is in the "i wish we had enough money to do this so i'll just pretend we do" space, without realizing how stressful that is for you....

 

my hunch is that with little income, your life is so stressful right now that a lot of energy may go into this situation because its "safer" to be upset about than the "no work" situation.

 

if they only come 3 times a year, i'd just look at it as three days where you intentionally choose to behave in a loving manner towards your dh by being a gracious hostess. i'm also thinking you need to practice saying, "sure, we'd love to have your kids, but we don't have the gas money to drive them half way" (although that might go against his sense of being gracious).

 

and maybe come up with some low cost/ no cost ways of having other people in occasionally. when i was a single mom, we used to do "movie night" with another family, where one week they provided pizza and a movie at their house, and the next week i made pizza (not enough money to order it) and a movie at our house. that might help meet his need for your family to be hostessing....

 

in the hills of jamaica one year, we had a family of 12 kill their one and only goat to feed us. we desperately tried to figure out a way for them not to do it, but they realllllly needed to do it that way and we felt dreadful. it was definitely not a good meeting of cultures, but we learned a hard lesson and then knew to arrive with food as a gift if we were inadvertently going to be with people at meal time.

 

if you know another woman from his culture of origin, it might help to ask her to just talk about being a hostess and how she manages, so that you might be able to see it with different eyes....

 

good luck; it is a hard thing

:grouphug:

ann

[Jean in Newcastle]

I babysat a bassett that would howl if left alone, had no tolerance of the cold, pooped without warning right after coming in, and when it was a temperate day and I fed her outside, she was dive-bombed by seagulls and crapped on. Not all dogs are what you think of as "dogs". This one was special....say, you may have even MET her: Oprah, the hound we had to bring along to Crissy's, or else there would have been a crate full of dog doo waiting for us.

 

:lol: I remember Oprah. She seemed very sweet but then I didn't have to take care of her! :lol:

[6packofun]

i'm wondering if he is in the "i wish we had enough money to do this so i'll just pretend we do" space, without realizing how stressful that is for you....

 

my hunch is that with little income, your life is so stressful right now that a lot of energy may go into this situation because its "safer" to be upset about than the "no work" situation.

 

This is very insightful and I agree. My dh has made many poor choices in the past that inconvenience our family (and our budget!) because he wishes he were like the Joneses, kwim? He'd rather deal with the consequences later while he enjoys feeling like (what he feels is) everyone else, "normal" right NOW.

 

I do think that sitting back and letting dh figure out how to feed (or not) your last minute guests was a good move during this last visit (if I have that right) and maybe now he will see that more planning is needed? Just to be sure, I think it's totally OK to respectfully ask that he give you enough time to discuss TOGETHER your budget before saying yes to a visit. Let him know that if he decides FOR you to be hospitable, that you're going to follow HIS lead and HIS plan for how you're going to do that. If you don't have time to clean or money to feed them, let it go and let him figure it out. With your sweet, matter-of-fact smile going the whole time, of course! lol

 

Your dh sounds like somewhat of a pushover with this dude, and I'd want to know why that is. Again, more conversation with dh. :D

[NCMom]

Thanks for the advice etc. everyone! I guess most people do not have an issue with guests who visit with little notice. That part I can see is just me. I'm sooo with forty-two's mom - I'm probably gonna freak out no matter what. Whether my dh's actions show deliberate disrespect and/or may be just be a guy thing I'm not sure, but I know we have to deal with that and the lack of communication. (Though I will not use a bat. Unless he does it again...;))

 

I am going to call the other mom and ask her to call ME. And I will tell dh that HE is responsible for finding the money to entertain and that if I do not get the full amount of notice from someone then I WILL be gone for that time period.

 

Also...

Honestly? Watching two dogs doesn't seem that big a deal to me. But then I would just throw them in the back yard, put them in their crates when they need to come in and feed them. I would assign 90% of it to my kids.

 

Well, ordinarily I would agree, but I have goats, chickens, dogs and 3 cats to manage and shift around when we have other animals come. (and my mother, too :glare:) Unfortunately, their dogs, although wonderful pets, are totally, completely untrained. I mean they are not even pack trained, lol.

 

oh. I get it now, and I truly wouldn't be upset with him. I'm SURE he doesn't get it AT ALL. I'm married to one of those truly brilliant computer geeks. ;)

And they are from NH...;)

 

At the same time, my dh also comes from a culture where guests are extremely important. In his country, we have been served beautiful meals by people who likely wouldn't be able to buy meat for the rest of the month due to hosting us. A very poor childhood neighbor of my dh gifted me some beautiful cloth, enough to make a formal dress, which she had obviously purchased for herself and likely had to save up for months (a year maybe?) to buy. I have been given shoes off of women's feet simply because I commented that I liked them. None of these people cared that we made 10x as much as them; culturally it was an honor for them to display their hospitality in this way.

 

 

This, I think is also a big part of it. His family will totally do that . When he went home to his sister's funeral in early Dec, he came home with 1 out of 3 pairs of shoes and about 1/2 of the clothes he took. :D That and like other posters said, trying to act like we ~can~ just entertain on a whim. We are not the Jones, that's for sure!

 

Anyway, I can see that pretty much everyone except me has a fair amount invested in this friendship and/or entertaining. I guess I need to remedy that somehow. And put some meals in the freezer 'cause I'm pretty sure they will be back at the end of the semester. LOL

 

Thanks again for wading through it all,

Georgia

[Catwoman]

I am going to call the other mom and ask her to call ME. And I will tell dh that HE is responsible for finding the money to entertain and that if I do not get the full amount of notice from someone then I WILL be gone for that time period.

 

I think that is a perfectly reasonable response. And you should also make it clear that "finding the money" does not mean tapping into the family Christmas fund or the family vacation fund, or the kids' birthday gift fund. If he wants to spend money on these people, he can do without something he wants or needs; it's not fair to ask the entire family to make a big sacrifice.

 

Cat

[Trish]

These people make 4x what you do -- what's wrong with hotels? Or their kids need your supervision? I just never heard of something like this being done without the MOMS connecting very specifically. Seems bizarre that the men are (mis) handling all of this.

 

I would not have wanted to spend the Christmas money to prepare for them -- would've been a "make do" situation. And why are YOU driving them halfway back? Or did DH do that?

[Trish]

Oh yeah, also what other people said -- my husband doesn't invite anyone to stay without "checking with the wife" first. That should be a family rule. One hour (!) or one day notice is not enough.

[Trish]

You do realize this has nothing to do with your/dh's friends? This is a problem between you and your dh.

 

Not totally.

 

No WAY would I let my family impose (dogs? children? rides? meals?) on another family without having spoken to the other mom first.

 

No. Way.

[zaichiki]

My problem is that Georgia's dh appears to have a serious lack of consideration for her feelings, and it troubles me that he would prioritize this guy's needs and wants over those of his own family.

 

 

In Georgia's dh's defense (and I don't know him from Adam, so obviously this is a stab in the dark here) --

 

Didn't she say there were cultural differences?

 

I'm thinking that you have to give extra leeway for that. Sometimes, even though a man may LOVE his wife very much, he may not see things from her perspective at all, especially when they were raised in different cultures. This happens over here all. the. time. and it is very hard.

[5kidsforME]

Not totally.

 

No WAY would I let my family impose (dogs? children? rides? meals?) on another family without having spoken to the other mom first.

 

No. Way.

 

I have to, again, respectfully disagree. If the OP and her dh had better communication, or rather, were on the same page, this would not even be an issue. This is between her and her dh.

[blakereese]

Do you know the wife well enough to bring it up to her? Maybe your husband feels ambushed, too. It may be up to you to say something to this man during these visits, especially anything of a financial burden. Men just don't admit a downfall in this area to other men...especially ones who make 4 times what they do.

 

:iagree: This makes sense to me.

 

I would try to talk with the wife at some point so this does not continue to happen. Do it when you are not at all angry so it doesn't become confrontational.

 

But you also need to have a serious heart to heart with your DH about this. He needs to know that this is not alright. You need to be partners. Again, talk at a time when you can talk peacefully and (hopefully) not argue. You know the whole, "This makes me feel...." conversation. ;)