Anyone else have a husband who doesn't attend church?

[Jenny in GA]

My husband is a Christian, but has little or no interest in attending church. He goes maybe a few times a year, with reluctance.

 

He doesn't want to switch chuches -- ironically, we attend the denomination he was raised in. He doesn't think he would be more likely to attend if we were members somewhere else.

 

It's been bothering me more and more these days. I was just wondering if others are in the same boat ... Does it bother you? If so, what has helped it bother you less, so to speak?

 

Do you haul all the kids there week after week yourself and just juggle them in the pew single-handedly? (I don't attend church very often myself, just because it feels like pushing a rock uphill to drag everything there and manage everybody there myself. But I do it from time to time.)

 

Also, it's not effective to tell kids, "Yes, come on, you have to go to church, even though you don't want to and you think it's boring" when every week Daddy doesn't because he doesn't want to and think it's boring.

 

 

Anyway, how have others best dealt with it? Or is it silly for it to even bother me? Thanks.

[sbgrace]

I don't think it's silly to bother you. I also don't think one has to go to church to be a Christian. That said, is your husband imparting his faith and relationship with Christ to your kids day to day? If he is that, I believe, has much more impact than church or not on them. And, conversely, if that doesn't happen I don't think all the church attendance in the world makes up for the lack of life lived before them.

[Sevilla]

Also, it's not effective to tell kids, "Yes, come on, you have to go to church, even though you don't want to and you think it's boring" when every week Daddy doesn't because he doesn't want to and think it's boring.

You and your DH need to talk about how to present this to the kids. I think what I would do is discuss with DH what is important to you - how long are kids required to go before they can 'opt out'?

 

Anyway, how have others best dealt with it? Or is it silly for it to even bother me? Thanks.

It is not silly for it to bother you, and if you would like I can recommend some good titles for being unequally yoked spiritually in marriage (if this is your situation and it's not just a church/no church issue). Lee Strobel and his wife wrote one that I especially appreciated.

Edited January 5, 2011 by Sevilla

[Catwoman]

Do you haul all the kids there week after week yourself and just juggle them in the pew single-handedly? (I don't attend church very often myself, just because it feels like pushing a rock uphill to drag everything there and manage everybody there myself. But I do it from time to time.)

 

 

I'm not sure if you're upset at your dh not attending church because it worries you from a religious perspective, or if you're upset because you feel that he should go with you so he could help you with the kids.

 

Cat

[jplain]

I'm an atheist Unitarian Universalist, so maybe you'd consider my situation not analogous to yours. My DH does not attend services with me and the kids. He does attend some church social events. Though his and my beliefs are very similar, he doesn't need to feel invested in the church community like I do. And I'm fine with it. I consider religious affiliation and church attendance to be deeply personal decisions. I would never want to coerce anyone in any way, including my spouse and children.

 

When I began attending my UU church I did discuss the fact that DH wouldn't be attending with the RE director. He was blase about it, and said that lots of families in our church have only one parent attending with children.

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I think I would talk to him in private about your concerns for your children, if you haven't already done this a million times.... My husband is finally coming around after being a non-joiner for all of his life....

[lionfamily1999]

My dh does not attend. Some Sundays I drag the kids to church, but (thank you God!) for the most part they are happy to go with me. I have noticed that when church stopped being a chore for me ;) it became more enjoyable for the kids.

 

I worried about dh, until I discovered he was saved and baptised years ago :p Now, I just pray for him and trust that God will move him into church when they're both ready :lol:

 

Honestly, letting God work on my heart (turning me from complaining to gratitude was HUGE) has made the biggest change for us all. I've learned to see service as the gift it is (rather than a drudge) - Phil. 2:14 and 15 for a reference there - and my joyful heart has really effected dh. Really. He wants to go to church with us tomorrow. He asked me to wake him up for it. That is a first for us. Literally, the first time he has ever invited himself to church. He decided we should quit smoking last week. He got up today, cheerful as a lark (if you knew him you'd be in shock) and proceeded to remove light fixtures and wash them :001_huh:.

 

All that to say, I've found that working on my relationship with God has done more for getting my dh in the spirit than any of my complaints or resentment ever did.

[Tree House Academy]

Yep...I could have written your post myself... every.single.word. *sigh*

 

My dh is a Christian but he was not raised in church, but he thinks it is more a social thing and he doesn't see how it enhances his relationship with God. I disagree, but I can't force him. He is an adult.

 

I do take my older son. My younger stays here with my dh. Younger son is in that inbetween age where he is too old to go to Children's Church, but too young to really sit still and listen (or maybe "too inmature for his age" is more appropriate wording), so it is futile to bring him. I sing in the choir so I would also have to leave him alone in the pew with friends or older ds and that just isn't happening either!

 

It does bother me..immensely. However, I have met other friends at church who have husbands that won't come and we kind of lean on one another. We have our own little group...we call ourselves the church time widows. Laughing keeps us from crying anyway. LOL And besides, what dh does or doesn't do is between him and God. Younger ds will start coming to church with me when he is a bit older.

 

We also do Bible study each day as part of Heart of Dakota. I am not worried about my kids not knowing their Bible. ;) I just would love to have my whole family at church each Sunday to worship together.

[PhunandFonics]

My dh goes quite sporadically and I used to feel so awkward being there without him. Then late this summer he made an effort to go every week. For four weeks in a row my husband slept through almost the entire service. He insists that he's listening and enjoys the sermons, he's just relaxing. :bored: Yes, he's relaxed when he starts to snore! :lol: To me that was more awkward than going in by myself. I really think that he's just so busy all week that Sunday morning is his chance to chill out and unfortunately this is the easiest way for him to get some margin in his life.

[kwickimom]

My husband is Christian and rarely goes to church or bible study. I am the only wife minus a husband in my bible study and small group :sad: He wouldnt attend FPU with me either.

 

I just go on my own and juggle 3 kids because I feel it is super important for them to be there. So, sometimes I spend the whole service in the hallway with a crying 2 or 4YO that refuses to stay in their bible class, but then at least I know my DD8 is hearing the Word :) It stinks, but I think it is well worth it and I pray one day they will all happily go and so will my DH!

[redsquirrel]

We attend a local UU church. A very good friend was in a similar situation. She attended, was very active in the church, was there every week with her two kids. Her husband almost never attended. He would come to other church activities, like potlucks but not the services.

 

Well. By accident she found a way to make sure her husband started attending.

 

Several other church members were trying to 'set her up' with a single dad in the church! :lol: They assumed she was single! She went home and told her husband that he had to put in an appearance twice a month or this would keep happening.

 

OMG, I laughed so hard when she told me.

 

So, you could tell your husband that people think you are a single mom and keep trying to introduce you to 'nice single men'.

 

FTR, it worked for about a school year. I haven't seen him at all since the autumn.

[Catwoman]

Well. By accident she found a way to make sure her husband started attending.

 

Several other church members were trying to 'set her up' with a single dad in the church! :lol: They assumed she was single! She went home and told her husband that he had to put in an appearance twice a month or this would keep happening.

 

:D:D:D:D

 

What a great story!!!

 

Cat

[AnitaMcC]

We are Catholic, Dh still believes but he just will not attend church. He is very supportive with me in the kids doing RE and attending church when I go.

 

The only times in our marriage he has attended are for Baptisms, First Communion, 1st Reconciliations, weddings, and funerals. He will not attend Mass any other times. I don't really know the exact reasons he won't attend, but it is something that is personal to him. It isn't because he is bored or just doesn't want to go (although maybe there is a little of that-LOL).

 

I do not attend that often either so it really isn't a huge issue in our family. When I do go.. the kids go. They have no choice until they are 16. It is just how it is... We tell the kids that when they are old enough they will have to make their own decisions based on their relationship with God. We attend mass about once a month, sometimes only once every two months + Christmas, Ash Wedneday, and Easter (not often enough, but it depends on everyone's health).

 

All our kids have completed RE through 1st Communion and 1st Reconciliation. Our twins attended RE classes from 1st through 4th grades, then we homestudy through 7th grade. The youngest two homestudied RE from 1st through last year. Dh helps with the RE studies and he makes sure the kids are ready to attend church so I can focus on just getting myself ready. But we rarely attend before the 11am mass though-LOL.

 

Ds#1 and DD attended the 1st year of Confirmation classes (9th grade in our church). They were to attend 2nd year this year (we don't require them to go through Confirmation.. only attend the classes), but the class they were with was not staying together as the instructors couldn't continue. And since we were planning to move out of state by October.. we decided to not continue any of the RE classes this year.

 

We do some RE at home, nothing intensive.

Edited January 2, 2011 by AnitaMcC

[KathyBC]

I don't think it's silly to bother you. I also don't think one has to go to church to be a Christian. That said, is your husband imparting his faith and relationship with Christ to your kids day to day? If he is that, I believe, has much more impact than church or not on them. And, conversely, if that doesn't happen I don't think all the church attendance in the world makes up for the lack of life lived before them.

 

:iagree:

 

None of us attend. When we first married, dh and I attended sporadically, as jobs/time off allowed. When we settled down here and had our first child we again attended sporadically, looking for a church home. I would have continued attending, but dh is just not interested. Mostly I don't miss it. One thing I do miss is the singing. We did try one year to get back into the habit, but no one enjoyed it except me.

 

Our children hear the Word from me, and see it lived out (in our humble fashion) in our lives. My pet peeve is my Dad's constant "proselytizing" of his family, who are already saved! He just cannot believe that people can have a personal relationship with Christ outside of attending a building every Sunday. One equates the other, in his 76yo mind.

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, we move a lot. My dh is not that into attending church, but it's important to me. I look for churches where we know several people. That keeps him sort of accountable and he goes.

[FlockOfSillies]

Yes, it would bother me, and it's not silly for it to bother you.

 

Someone who thinks church is boring and pointless, and who doesn't go, who doesn't read his Bible or do things that show that he loves God and wants to know Him more... isn't a Christian, even if he says he is. That kind of faith is a dead faith that does not save.

[KathyBC]

This is the very heart of the matter, though, isn't it? Are we saved by unmerited grace or do we earn it by doing all the things you've listed here? Either He saves us or He doesn't - He said He came to give us Living Water. If we accept that, how can we have a dead faith that doesn't save?

 

I still do struggle with this, and the parable of the seeds falling on various soil rings in my ears as I type this. So I hope I don't sound too contentious.

[Donna]

My husband does not attend church regularly either. He will attend special services like Christmas or baptisms, etc... His reasons are slightly different and I am unable to change them.

 

DH was raised southern Baptist, went to church-run schools, and his parents to the outside world would have seemed very Christian people. At home, however, it was different...both were alcoholics and fought physically on a regular basis. He did not have a happy childhood and grew up thinking that most people in church were like that...putting on a show on Sunday then living the rest of the week however they wanted.

 

When his family moved where we live now, I met him when I was in 8th grade, they began attending the church my children and I now attend and DH worked for many of the people in the church in his teen years. He knows the "secret lives" of some of the old-timers in the church and has decided that his beliefs as a child are true.

 

I've asked him if he'd like to change churches but he says people are the same all over. I've pointed out the wonderful people in the church who I know personally. He just doesn't think that attending church makes one a Christian or changes their relationship with God and doesn't understand my desire to go except that he does want the kids to know about God.

[prairiegirl]

I have been in your situation for almost 4 years. It has been very difficult for me. My dh is a Christian but he has been hurt by people in the church and finally gave up. He will only go if the kids are in the Christmas play, or something like that.

 

I have been trying to take the kids to church by myself. We live 45 min. away and driving in the winter time is nasty. So we don't go every Sun and I deal with much guilt over this. This has been a grieving process for me. I still deal with anger that dh has let me deal with all of this.

 

All I can do is pray. I pray lots and lots that God will soften dh's heart and mine as well.

[BMW]

My dh is a believer. He goes to church with us about 8 times a year. He works so very hard and travels a lot. He is exhausted. If he is home on a Sunday, he often wants to simply retreat to his boat and relax.

 

Sometimes I long for us to be united in our pursuit of living out our faith in deeper ways. I am part of an incredible Bible study group. I don't share that with him, in person, but we can talk about it together. I do feel disappointed that he doesn't make it a high priority. When he struggles with his feelings or habits, I think of how he could live a more powerful life being connected with other believers than he can without. But, he is an adult. It's his choice.

 

We pray together. He is a family man. I have so much to be thankful for.

 

He recently started saying that the teens MUST attend church regularly. He doesn't want them slipping away with morals and choices. I will lovingly share with him how important it is that he sets the example and goes regularly himself. I really mean that I can share that lovingly.

 

BTW, he really enjoys our church. Very much so. The pastor is engaging and the church is most every aspect meets or exceeds what we'd like in a church.

[FlockOfSillies]

"You'll know them by their fruits." I know a lot of people who act like the husband in question, but they don't claim to be Christian. That's really the only difference between the two. In cases like this, the non-attender needs to take stock of his life and ask himself whether he really is a believer. It's not something you can assume when all the evidence says otherwise.

 

I'm not talking about earning salvation at all; on the contrary, I'm talking about working out salvation that's already there. Here's a small, narrow example: Before I became a Christian, I treated church attendance like a duty. It was something I thought I ought to do. I dragged myself out of bed to go, but I didn't really want to be there to listen to the sermon. I was there to socialize. The turning point was when I started to want to go for the right reasons. I didn't want to be the kind of person who dragged herself to church anymore. I still didn't really want to go to church, but I figured that if I was going to go, then I ought to do it because I wanted to be there and to get something out of it. I realized that only God could put that desire in my heart, because I certainly couldn't come up with it on my own. So when I finally "got saved," it was through this thought process about church attendance, of all things.

 

Now, obviously the Christian life is about a whole lot more than just church attendance. But my point is that now, as a Christian, I want to be at church because I love Christ and I want to worship Him, learn more about Him, and be with His people. It's a source of joy for me. When I don't get to do that, it's a source of disappointment. I'm not trying to cover my bases or get Him to accept me. I look at the amazing work that Christ has done in the world and in my own life and I can only respond with gratitude and awe.

 

When I'm not growing spiritually over an extended period of time, I can sense it and I want to change it. That didn't happen before I was a Christian, because I was spiritually dead. Dead things don't grow. Living things grow. Church attendance -- joyful, fruitful church attendance and membership -- isn't the only sign of spiritual life and health, but it is one of them. What we do in this life is preparation for the life to come -- and for believers in Christ, that means we'll be worshiping Him together forever. People who don't want to worship Him now with their lives aren't going to be too keen on doing it for eternity. "My sheep know My voice," etc. God's adopted children love their Father in heaven above all else, and they show it (imperfectly) with their lives, not just their words. "If you love Me, keep my commandments."

 

HTH clarify a bit.

[LidiyaDawn]

My dh doesn't go with us - well, he came a few times when the kids were younger and were in the Christmas pageant, etc, but that's it. I don't actually know what he believes, as he refuses to have any conversation about that. If I had to stick a label on him, I'd go with Agnostic.

[TXMary2]

In our first 13 years of marriage I could count on one hand how many times DH attended church with the kids and me. The last few years he attended frequently but then said he didn't want any of us to go, that he wanted to find a new church. We have since been attending a home bible study/sunday school on Sunday mornings.

 

It bothered me all those years that he didn't go. He wasn't even saved when we got married, but I prayed and had others praying. It took 13 years to be answered.

 

Just pray and have others pray. The hard part will be waiting.

[ccmom]

It's funny to read this today, because I've been thinking of attending a church for some time, but finding the right church where I could feel at home going without my husband has been hard. My husband has always refused to go to church, but he was raised as a Christian and his grandfather was a Baptist minister. I just didn't go to church because he didn't want to go and it seemed too hard to make the effort when he wasn't going. I've raised my kids to believe, and to know that going to church does not make a person a Christian. Sadly, a lot of homeschoolers have been unkind to us for not attending church, so that is another reason I have avoided going to church. I have a friend who invited me to her church and I think I will go sometime. It is out of my small town, so I might be more comfortable there.

[Dmmetler]

Me, too. Unless DD is singing, he doesn't go. It's frustrating, to say the least, particularly since we're in a fairly conservative denomination (LCMS). I finally decided that this was something God was going to have to work on through other people, if it really was a concern, and that in the interest of a happy marriage, I needed to let it go.

 

I do wonder how it will play out if DD ever decides that church isn't fun anymore. Right now, Sunday School is a major motivator, because, having left our church school to homeschool, that's where she sees many of her friends that she was in Kindergarten with last year.

[RamonaQ]

Yes. This is our family. Dh comes to church about 6 times a year. Yes, there are times it bothers me because church is a family thing for me-- that is how I grew up. When the kids were younger it would bug me wrangling them, but now they are just fine in the pew. I also end up assuming all the volunteer work for our family (teaching sunday school, doing coffee hour, serving on boards, etc...)

 

However, I am at peace with the fact that I will not change my husband. I do understand his logic that he feels that after a long week he doesn't find being around a bunch of people for half a day of his weekend relaxing. Our pastors truly support that people worship in all ways, and our church is bigger than just Sunday morning. So I don't really feel badly from the aspect of church.

[Night Elf]

If it's important to you, share that with the kids. And if you can get your DH on board to encourage the kids to attend, even better.

 

Back when I did attend church, and believed, DH did not go with me. He's agnostic but doesn't use that term. He admits he isn't an atheist but he definitely doesn't believe in Christianity. So he refused to push the kids into church and they stopped going. So then I stopped going. I got really tired of people offering, almost insisting, that they show up at my house and witness to him. The only thing that kept them at bay was my insistence it would ruin my marriage.

 

Why did I stop believing though? I had no spiritual encouragement and way too many questions. I lost faith in Faith. If your church is supportive of you attending without your DH, don't look for trouble. But I do think it's very important that you find out his opinion about your children and church.

[Mom0012]

Well, do I dare say that my husband takes our kids to church, but I don't go? I've never found a church I could tolerate. I used to take the kids to Community Bible Study instead of church, but the year we did the Book of Revelation, my faith was totally destroyed.

 

We only have two kids and I help my husband get them ready to go, but he takes them. It is a baptist church, so it's really pretty easy for him. He gets some quiet time by himself during the service and my kids go to their individual Sunday School classes while he's doing that. They all enjoy it. Maybe if you found a church that was more child-friendly, it would make it easier for you to go if your husband isn't going to attend? I know some people are really against having the family separated during the service though, so maybe that won't work for you.

 

Lisa

[KathyBC]

Evidence to whom? Christ said not to pray in public, but to say your prayers in private. He said that if you give publicly, you will have already received your reward. I don't think it's required for us to 'prove' we are saved. In the case of the OP, that is hopefully a secondary issue that she can already vouch for. Worshiping Him with our lives needn't have such a narrow definition. The Church is so very much bigger than that. The Church is a living thing, and I believe that members can grow spiritually and worship, and it can look nothing like 20th-Century North American traditions. Or maybe I'm just married to a hermit. ;-)

 

While we don't agree, I appreciate your perspective. Thanks for sharing your thoughts - I enjoyed reading them. Good food for thought.

[FlockOfSillies]

Well, to be fair, Jesus said not to pray for the purpose of being seen by men and receiving praise from them. Likewise with alms -- the Temple of His time had a big metal collection container for alms in one of the courts. People who wanted to show off how much they were giving could do so by putting in a whole lot of coins -- it would be loud and would draw attention to their activity. (If they showed up with an entourage, so much the better.) When the widow dropped in two little pennies, it wasn't for the purpose of showing off. That's why Jesus praised what she did. So those examples aren't really relevant to what I'm trying to say.

 

I'm struggling to understand what you mean by "narrow definition." I thought I'd already said that church attendance is only one sign of where a person stands spiritually. Is there something I'm missing?

 

My overall point is, when the Spirit indwells a believer, it can't help but show in his life and priorities. You will begin to see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. If it doesn't show, especially over a long period of time, then it's time to ask and evaluate whether the Spirit is there at all. We can't know perfectly what's going on in others' hearts, but how they live gives us clues. Sometimes we really, really, really don't want to admit what is obvious to any objective observer. If you say you're a rabid hockey fan, but you don't watch hockey, and you've never expressed a desire to go to a game, and you don't even know all the teams in the NHL or the rules for playing, then I think it's safe to say you're all talk and no action, kwim?

[Caitilin]

Dh doesn't go to church with us, never has. That is, he has never gone with us regularly; he has come to all the baptisms, and a couple of other times, so maybe 10-12 times in our marriage. He appreciates that it's important to me, and he agrees that the children should go, but doesn't see the need to go himself. ~shrug~ If he's going to come around, he will; I leave that up to him and God. :tongue_smilie::001_smile:

[annandatje]

For the wives who are disappointed that husbands will not attend church regularly, what were your (general your) expectations about religious training and church attendance and were these expectations discussed prior to marriage?

 

Did the wives become religious after marriage and want husbands to hold similar spiritual philosophies?

[KathyBC]

My overall point is, when the Spirit indwells a believer, it can't help but show in his life and priorities. You will begin to see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. If it doesn't show, especially over a long period of time, then it's time to ask and evaluate whether the Spirit is there at all. We can't know perfectly what's going on in others' hearts, but how they live gives us clues.

 

I agree that the Spirit's indwelling would show up in a believer's life and priorities. But if the local church never gets a chance to see it, does it change the truth? Assuming they can see enough of anything at all in the current church format. Can't one express love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control... to your family, your co-workers, your neighbours, your community - anyone and everyone you run into in day-to-day life?

 

A missionary, a person in prison, a spiritual ascetic (is that the word? monk? mystic? hermit?) is still a believer regardless of whether or not they are showing up at the local church on Sundays at 10a.m. God can communicate and inspire regardless. Though I would agree He uses people to do that. I'm just not convinced that it has to be through one format.

 

BTW, loved the hockey analogy. :D What if you just like to play hockey? You're not a fan, you're a player.

[LidiyaDawn]

For the wives who are disappointed that husbands will not attend church regularly, what were your (general your) expectations about religious training and church attendance and were these expectations discussed prior to marriage?

 

Did the wives become religious after marriage and want husbands to hold similar spiritual philosophies?

 

We were both agnostics (for the most part) when we got together.

[Jenny in GA]

. Sadly, a lot of homeschoolers have been unkind to us for not attending church, so that is another reason I have avoided going to church.

 

 

How so???

[Jenny in GA]

For the wives who are disappointed that husbands will not attend church regularly, what were your (general your) expectations about religious training and church attendance and were these expectations discussed prior to marriage?

 

 

We actually met at a church singles group that we both attended regularly, and he was one of the Sunday School leaders in the group! :001_smile:

[AnitaMcC]

For the wives who are disappointed that husbands will not attend church regularly, what were your (general your) expectations about religious training and church attendance and were these expectations discussed prior to marriage?

 

Did the wives become religious after marriage and want husbands to hold similar spiritual philosophies?

 

I am not disappointed that my Dh will not attend mass. He supports me and helps teach the kids their RE lessons. I guess I am more surprised than anything that he refuses to attend mass. He was raised Catholic and it is very important part of his family's lives. I worry about him. He has a internal struggle that he is dealing with and it is something that is between him and God.

 

Before marriage... Dh and I agreed that any children we have would be raised in the Catholic faith. We would make sure the kids took RE classes and completed their RE education through confirmation... but that the kids were not going to be forced to be Confirmed nor attend mass after they turned 16. But I knew he wouldn't be "religious" so to speak since he did not want to get married in the church. We had a Navy friend who was a non-denominational priest marry us.

 

I converted to Catholicism (was Baptist) when our twins where in 2nd grade and were preparing for their 1st Communion. Up to this point, we only attended mass occassionally and the twins attended RE starting 1st grade. All of our kids were Baptised as infants.

[ktgrok]

I haven't read the replies, but hopefully these thoughts will help.

 

First, of course it would bother you. I was in the same situation. My ex said he wanted to go to seminary when we got married. Later, he became buddhist and wouldn't even go to church with me. I had the same issue, of my son not wanting to go and not getting why daddy got to stay home. Eventually we divorced, but not because of that. i won't lie though, in my current marriage both of us attending church together was a HUGE issue. I really wanted to make it work. I was very clear with my husband about how important it was to me. While married to my ex I had gone through RCIA and been confirmed in the Catholic church. My dh didn't go anyway, my family never went anyway, so it didn't matter that I was the only one attending Mass. When I remarried my now husband said that he would attend if I really wanted him to, but if given a choice he would be more comfortable in a different church. He also said he would not go through RCIA and convert, or at least not be able to do so honestly. So we attend an Episcopalian church, which is what he grew up in, an actually what I was before converting. It was MUCH more important to me that everyone be on the same page than that we attend a particular church. I would love us to all be at the Catholic church, but I would rather recieve the sacraments together in the Episcopal church than by myself in the Catholic church. I feel God, and my priest, would understand. Perhaps you need to discuss what it would take to get him to a church. Shorter services? Some larger churches offer "drive by" services, that are very short. A more convenient time? Many offer saturday or sunday evening services. More contemporary? More casual? Something more anonymous where he doesn't feel like everyone knows everyone and their business?

 

If none of the above work, and you have been really creative, then I have another option. Maybe for a time do "Church at Home", where you all, after a nice Sunday breakfast, devote 20-30 minutes to God. You can read, or have older children read, a story from a children's bible and then discuss it. End with a prayer where you all say what you are grateful for this week. Very simple and non threatening, but at least you are making an effort to honor God, and that seems non threatening enough that your husband could participate, or at least sit there with you while you do it?

 

Hugs.

[Sevilla]

n/m

Edited January 5, 2011 by Sevilla

[Guest CarolineUK]

Well, do I dare say that my husband takes our kids to church, but I don't go?

 

Yes, this is us too. Both DH and I have attempted to go regularly to Church all our married life, but have not always been able to attend a Church we were happy with. We moved to the house we live in now almost five years ago and have the most wonderful Church just five minutes away. However, after helping run the Sunday School for almost a year I got very hurt by some of the other women there and decided to give up doing Sunday School. I now just feel that I can't go and take from all the good people at Church without giving something back, especially as we had four children benefitting. These days I stay home with DS3 and DS6 while DH takes DS9 and DS11. It's a source of great sadness for me, but DH doesn't seem at all bothered. I think Church attendance is generally much lower in the UK than in the US, DH says Christians are a diminishing minority in this country.

 

I do worry that I can't be a 'proper' Christian if I don't go to Church. God has become a lot more important to me since I stopped going to Church and I do feel that at some point in the near future I will need to resolve this problem.

[justamouse]

I do worry that I can't be a 'proper' Christian if I don't go to Church. God has become a lot more important to me since I stopped going to Church and I do feel that at some point in the near future I will need to resolve this problem.

 

No worries, you're a proper Christian. If you want to go, then go, but don't make yourself (attend) and whatever you do, don't think you're less worthy or less beloved by not going. :grouphug:

 

Neither of us attend. I dabble with the thought then chalk it up to too much sugar. If I were to attend, it would be the UU church or the Methodist church down the street.

[Guest CarolineUK]

Neither of us attend. I dabble with the thought then chalk it up to too much sugar. If I were to attend, it would be the UU church or the Methodist church down the street.

 

:lol: Thank you, you made me smile.

 

Although I went to a Church of England School and was baptised, confirmed and married in the Anglican Church, I went to a Methodist Sunday School from three years of age (back in the 1960s :tongue_smilie:) until I was about 11 - they were the most wonderful, sincere people, and I still have the happiest memories of the love and support they showed my mother and I. Maybe I should check out my local Methodist Church in town.

[lionfamily1999]

It's funny to read this today, because I've been thinking of attending a church for some time, but finding the right church where I could feel at home going without my husband has been hard. My husband has always refused to go to church, but he was raised as a Christian and his grandfather was a Baptist minister. I just didn't go to church because he didn't want to go and it seemed too hard to make the effort when he wasn't going. I've raised my kids to believe, and to know that going to church does not make a person a Christian. Sadly, a lot of homeschoolers have been unkind to us for not attending church, so that is another reason I have avoided going to church. I have a friend who invited me to her church and I think I will go sometime. It is out of my small town, so I might be more comfortable there.

:grouphug:

 

I hope this works out for you all.

[Catwoman]

Someone who thinks church is boring and pointless, and who doesn't go, who doesn't read his Bible or do things that show that he loves God and wants to know Him more... isn't a Christian, even if he says he is. That kind of faith is a dead faith that does not save.

 

That is not everyone's opinion, and not everyone believes that you have to go to church or read the Bible in order to believe in God and Jesus and to consider themselves to be Christian. As we've seen here on these forums, there are countless definitions of what constitutes a "real Christian."

 

I'm not trying to start an argument; I just wanted to point out that different people have different beliefs, and it's only a problem in a marriage when one spouse believes differently from the other.

 

Cat

[Cricket]

It isn't silly at all that it bothers you. My believing dh did not attend with me for a long time. Early on it was because he worked 6 days a week and wanted to rest on Sunday. Then he took a different job and worked every Sunday. He could have gone in late on Sundays but chose not to. He worked on straight commission and Sundays were a busy day for him. He has only been attending regularly with us for about a year now. Early on in our marriage I was resentful towards him and nagged a bit too much. I'd even made a few snide comments about it when the children overheard. I was convicted that being snotty about it towards him certainly wasn't Christ-like so I quit. I prayed about it a lot though but left it in God's hands. I accepted that there was nothing I could do about his attitude and that it wasn't my responsibility to change it. I still attended faithfully with the kids. Eventually he started wanting to attend with us and when he lost his job, he finally could without worrying about missing out on a sale. It has been very healthy for our dc to see Dad sitting in the pew next to them. I think attending church is very important to a believer's growth. There is just something about having God's Word being proclaimed from the pulpit.

 

I think it is worth having a serious conversation about it with your dh. Promise him you will only discuss it once and then drop it. :D Find out his reasons why. Let him be honest. If it is because he wants to stay home and sleep or watch football, then fine. At least you know. Those were my dh's reasons early in our marriage. Are you happy in your church? If not, then find one you enjoy and will help you grow in faith. If you are the one attending, he shouldn't be deciding where you go. I would encourage you to keep attending even without him. I know it is hard. I've had three dc at a time with me in the pew. Some days it would be so frustrating! One of the elders at the time noticed I was having a particularly hard time with my second oldest. He offered to have a talk with my son after the service. It was nice to see that the elders were supportive of me and offered to help out if they could. Dh also had a talk with him when we got home about respect and paying attention. At least dh was supportive of us going. It would have been much harder if he had not been. If your dh thinks it is important for your dc to attend, that is great. If your dc have questions about why Dad doesn't go too, then they can ask him. You don't have to come up with reasons for him. Is he open to leading devotions with the kids during the week? As others have said, living a faithful life during the week is very important for your children to see as well.

[Abigail4476]

Since faith is a personal decision, I would never try to force my husband to attend church. I do think it's a nice family activity, at the very least, so if I did try to talk to him about it, this would be my only selling point.

 

We had a point in our marriage when my husband stopped going to church for 6-8 months...he didn't stop being a Christian, but we had some turmoil that made him lose interest in church for a little while. It wasn't the end of the world, and I just went alone until he wanted to go with me again.

 

It's not silly for it to bother you; you just can't do much to change it. You can, however, take the kids to church with you every Sunday and make it pleasant for them. My parents woke me up early every Sunday morning and we would go out for breakfast before church. I loved it. (We didn't eat out a lot when I was little, so that stood out.) Even something as simple as stopping for coffee/hot chocolate and a scone and talking for a little while before church would be fun. After church, make sure they have time to talk to their friends for a bit before you leave.

 

If your husband doesn't want to participate, turn church into the Mom-and-kids tradition. Don't worry about including your husband unless he asks to be included. The only point where I would become a stickler would be if my husband undermined my opinions about church in front of the kids. (Such as saying that's boring or stupid.) He should respect your feelings on the matter, even if he doesn't go. Your children don't have the right to make independent decisions yet, so if you think church is important, then they should attend with you. And their father should make them go with you even if they aren't in the mood. :)

[Ginevra]

When I was first "church shopping" when dd13 was a baby, dh never went with me. I remember one church that I crossed off with a big "NO!" A lady who supposed she was being that genial, show-you-around greeter said, "So, where's your husband?" I was extremely tempted to say, "In prison." :glare: I just thought it was none of her bloody business and not for her to ask - we could have been divorced for all she knew!

[FlockOfSillies]

I think I hear what you're saying about the "Sunday at 10 a.m." thing, and I agree with you. The American church model doesn't line up with the Scriptural standard in many, many ways. As a whole, the way it tends to follow the culture rather than engage the culture is probably its most serious problem.

 

But as imperfect as any local church may be, swarming as it is with sinners, mature and immature, redeemed and unredeemed, it is still a gift from Christ. We're commanded to be assembling together on a regular basis (Hebrews 10:19-27). We're commanded to be under the authority and teaching of a pastor and elders, so that we can encourage one another, confess our sins to one another, exercise our spiritual gifts, and be disciplined when necessary. We can't practice the "one anothers" on just our spouse and kids and think we've met our obligation. We can't practice the "one anothers" on unbelievers out in the community. We're commanded to evangelize unbelievers, to be sure, but that's not the "one anothers."

 

Missionaries? They're making disciples and having church. I have many friends who are/have been on the mission field, and they're all involved in a local church. Every last one of them. Those churches have all kinds of problems of their own in how they fall short of the Bible's commands. The stories I read in their prayer letters... OY.

 

Prisoners? I think you know that 99.99% of the people we're talking about don't have that excuse.

 

Ascetics? Very few people are ascetics, although Scripture has some interesting things to say about asceticism. If a church attender is living with a non-attender, then I think it's safe to say that hermit life isn't the issue.

 

If a person is a genuine believer but thinks he doesn't need church, then he's sinning, because the command is clear from Scripture.

 

I know how hard it can be to be involved with a local church. There can be gospel-less teaching, politics, cliques... I've heard it all, and have seen much of it. I know that there are many people out there who've been burned to the point where they don't want to try again, because they're afraid of getting hurt again. I've got my share of burn marks! And there are a lot of people who will have a lot to answer for before the Lord on the day of judgment, because of the problems they've caused within the local church. But the thing is, Jesus didn't give us an alternative. There was no Plan B. He made us to live in community with one another, not as little spiritual islands. He gave us the people of the local church to accomplish that.

 

And while the Spirit does work within us throughout our daily individual lives, we need to recognize that He works through His body, and within His body, to make all believers into one "mature man" in Christ. We can't attain the unity of the faith if we think that all those hypocrites at church aren't good enough for us, or that we have nothing to learn from them.

 

There's this guy named Dan Phillips who wrote some sobering (some might say "stinging") but worthwhile blog posts on the need to be in a local church, and how to go about finding a church. I encourage anyone who sturggles with this issue to read them and ask God to search their hearts, and to guide him to fellowship in a place where he can love other believers and be loved in return.

 

And as for playing hockey, you've described my husband to a T. He loves to play volleyball and basketball (scoliosis permitting), but he has absolutely no use for sports-watching. But then, he wouldn't call himself a "rabid basketball fan." ;-D

[Carol in Cal.]

Me, too. Unless DD is singing, he doesn't go. It's frustrating, to say the least, particularly since we're in a fairly conservative denomination (LCMS). I finally decided that this was something God was going to have to work on through other people, if it really was a concern, and that in the interest of a happy marriage, I needed to let it go.

 

I do wonder how it will play out if DD ever decides that church isn't fun anymore. Right now, Sunday School is a major motivator, because, having left our church school to homeschool, that's where she sees many of her friends that she was in Kindergarten with last year.

 

You probably know this, but the LCMS officially teaches that the 3rd commandment means that everyone should attend church at least once a week.

 

Do you think that if someone else in your church asked your DH to do something there that he would respond favorably? My DH was a very sporadic church attender when we met. What got him hooked and involved, oddly enough, was being asked to be on an usher team by people he really liked. This made him go to church every week for a month, and he started to see the continuity of Scripture and want to know more. Now he pretty much would hate to miss it.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[RanchGirl]

Well, do I dare say that my husband takes our kids to church, but I don't go? I've never found a church I could tolerate. I used to take the kids to Community Bible Study instead of church, but the year we did the Book of Revelation, my faith was totally destroyed.

 

We only have two kids and I help my husband get them ready to go, but he takes them. It is a baptist church, so it's really pretty easy for him. He gets some quiet time by himself during the service and my kids go to their individual Sunday School classes while he's doing that. They all enjoy it. Maybe if you found a church that was more child-friendly, it would make it easier for you to go if your husband isn't going to attend? I know some people are really against having the family separated during the service though, so maybe that won't work for you.

 

Lisa

 

I'm in a similar place, though not with the destroyed faith part. We are between churches... the one we were heavily invested in for many years has taken a severe U-turn doctrine wise so we felt we had no choice but to leave. The one we went to afterward was quite solid doctrine wise, and we met many great people, but it was a long drive, then an hour and a half long service which included uninspiring music and tedious sermons. And oh the incredibly long, often unnecessary announcements! I literally cannot sit still that long and I was worried that my children seeing me so frustrated in church would do more damage to them than not going at all. It was definitely doing nothing for my personal relationship with God. We are also busy on many Sunday mornings with the boys' traveling sports. Any Sunday that is open, dh takes the boys to a local church. I just can't bear the whole church shopping experience right now so I go less often.

 

This is just a phase in our lives, and I humbly disagree with anyone who says I'm not a Christian because she has determined that the showing up in church each Sunday is *the* visible evidence. Our Christianity touches every aspect of our lives (prayer, music, friends, reading, teaching), not just Sunday from 9am to noon, and my children know a ton more about the Bible and God than their cousins, who have church every Sunday as a social event, but forget it the rest of the week, and go to public school where their faith is undermined on a daily basis.

 

As to the OP, I understand that you're bothered, but it's not clear whether or not you're concerned for your husband's faith experience or worried about how it will affect the kids long term or just frustrated with handling the kids by yourself. Either way, he's a grown up and he has to make these decisions for himself. Prayer and acceptance will go a lot further than a guilt trip.

 

Personally, I have given up trying to control and judge other people and it was quite freeing!