Please tell me I'm not alone... Does you extended family make decisions for you?

[JoyfulMama]

I'm a bit miffed this morning. And I think Facebook is to blame. Well, not really, but if it weren't for FB I wouldn't know, until, say Thanksgiving. :tongue_smilie:

Dh's pseudo-grandmother turned 80 on Sunday. His mother, his sister, and bil were all at the party, according to the pics on FB.

 

I have a feeling (pure conjecture here) that dh wasn't invited "because we are so far away". 90 minutes away. I think that WE should be able to decide which things we do and don't decide to drive in for. Not all things work with our busy schedule, and I'm not saying we would have been able to definitely attend yesterday. But I think that we AS ADULTS should be given the opportunity to decide for ourselves.

 

Help me feel like I am not alone in this... that other families are overbearing and controlling and opinionated, too, under the guise of thoughtfulness. :glare:

[Hathersage]

We live around 70 miles away from family, and yes this happens A LOT to us.

Mostly because for a time when my daughter was younger I didn't want to spend 3 hours roundtrip in car. Now that I feel I could for most events, I never get invited. I hate Thanksgiving, so I probably won't be invited anywhere for that either.

[Dobela]

Oh, yeah. My parents live in the same town and make decisions like that for us as well. OTOH, the family that lives 275 miles away is always complaining that they invite us but we never come....

[Crissy]

I have a feeling (pure conjecture here) that dh wasn't invited "because we are so far away". 90 minutes away.

 

Has someone in his family not invited him and attributed it to the distance in the past?

I'm just curious why you would have that feeling.

[jenL]

My mother deals with this regularly with her siblings. I think it can be fairly common... hurtful though. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Not only does dh not get invited, he has had family members die and no one has called him to let him know. He will read it in the newspaper from back home. There have also been births of nieces that he has not known about. The good thing is we save money by not having to buy flowers or gifts.

[AuntieM]

Not anymore. We got off that bus a while back. Honestly, it's now actually kind of amusing to sit back with a cool drink and watch it roll by about this time of year, knowing we are not strapped in for someone else's itinerary.

 

ETA: OP, I understand that this is a slight by omission for you rather than what we have faced ( having others make all the plans and then just expect us to show up on command). I see how that is hurtful and agree that you should be given the option, especially if they are discussing it all over fb. But it is pretty liberating to be out of the loop, at least it has been for us.

Edited October 25, 2010 by AuntieM

[Plink]

Yup. DH's family tries to make lots of decisions for us. Their intentions are good, but the results are muddy.

 

I once had (very expensive - well over $150/yd) fabric arrive at my door along with a bill. MIL had heard me comment that I liked it and decided that she would order it so that I could make new living room curtains. At that time I neither could afford the fabric, nor had the time to make the curtains. I honestly did like the fabric, but I wasn't intending to buy it. Sheesh.

 

Another time my FIL showed up at my door with a loud announcement that he was there to pick up the kids for a surprise weekend away. I had no warning. The kids were thrilled. I was not. I ended up looking like the Grinch who stole Christmas. Blah!

[gaillardia]

Yeah, it really bites. With us, I think it had everything to do with we don't drink and we have "too many kids."

Live in the same town and don't see each other even once a year, yep.

I'm sorry for anybody that has to go through that kind of stuff. :grouphug:

[babysparkler]

This drives us crazy too. My in-laws will not tell us about things so that we don't have more stress to worry about... like when mil went to the hospital for heart issues... and that dh had a big sister that died before he was born (we learned from other family, but they still have never told him)... Fil is going through lots of medical issues right now and we are wondering now if there is more that they haven't told us "for our own sake". Even if we ask they won't share things. It bothers me b/c these things are health related and dh really SHOULD have access to his complete family medical history... shouldn't he? Grrr... So Yes, they make decisions for us all the time in holding back information that they think we shouldn't be bothered with.:rant:

[MariannNOVA]

Not anymore. We got off that bus a while back. Honestly, it's now actually kind of amusing to sit back with a cool drink and watch it roll by about this time of year, knowing we are not strapped in for someone else's itinerary.

 

ETA: OP, I understand that this is a slight by omission for you rather than what we have faced ( having others make all the plans and then just expect us to show up on command). I see how that is hurtful and agree that you should be given the option, especially if they are discussing it all over fb. But it is pretty liberating to be out of the loop, at least it has been for us.

 

 

:iagree: and as for your edit - we also find it liberating to be out of the loop. It is similar to what someone wrote earlier today about homeschooling: yes, we may miss some good stuff that happens in public or private school, BUT we also enjoy wonderful stuff that happens at home.

[JoyfulMama]

Not anymore. We got off that bus a while back. Honestly, it's now actually kind of amusing to sit back with a cool drink and watch it roll by about this time of year, knowing we are not strapped in for someone else's itinerary.

 

ETA: OP, I understand that this is a slight by omission for you rather than what we have faced ( having others make all the plans and then just expect us to show up on command). I see how that is hurtful and agree that you should be given the option, especially if they are discussing it all over fb. But it is pretty liberating to be out of the loop, at least it has been for us.

 

I think we've morphed... Last year MIL decided she wanted all of her children and their significant others to have dinner out to celebrate their anniversary. She even found me a babysitter (whom I had never met) to stay at her house with the kids, since she wanted it be an adult evening. I went off on her with that one, and found my own babysitter (we did used to live there).

Holidays are assumed we'll drive in, and we've worked through some of that. At least now there's somewhat of a discussion, even if it is still very "These are my plans..."

 

DH is the ONLY person to move away. We are 90 minutes away. So it is new for everyone (although it's been 3 years).

[Ellie]

Most of my adult life I've lived on the left coast with most of my family on the right coast. Although I have missed being close to them, I am also thankful that I haven't had to deal with issues like this.:glare:

[patchfire]

My SIL scheduled her wedding for a lovely summer Saturday, four years ago. A lovely summer Saturday that was also my oldest's birthday. We never received an invitation, and then she & FIL spent the wedding & reception telling those who asked that we were just "too busy" to attend. Needless to say, dh looked like a heel who wouldn't attend his own sister's wedding, rather than the truth - it was a birthday and we weren't actually invited!

[ChrisB]

My SIL scheduled her wedding for a lovely summer Saturday, four years ago. A lovely summer Saturday that was also my oldest's birthday. We never received an invitation, and then she & FIL spent the wedding & reception telling those who asked that we were just "too busy" to attend. Needless to say, dh looked like a heel who wouldn't attend his own sister's wedding, rather than the truth - it was a birthday and we weren't actually invited!

 

Just wondering, could the invite have been lost in the mail?

[unsinkable]

I'm a bit miffed this morning. And I think Facebook is to blame. Well, not really, but if it weren't for FB I wouldn't know, until, say Thanksgiving. :tongue_smilie:

Dh's pseudo-grandmother turned 80 on Sunday. His mother, his sister, and bil were all at the party, according to the pics on FB.

 

I have a feeling (pure conjecture here) that dh wasn't invited "because we are so far away". 90 minutes away. I think that WE should be able to decide which things we do and don't decide to drive in for. Not all things work with our busy schedule, and I'm not saying we would have been able to definitely attend yesterday. But I think that we AS ADULTS should be given the opportunity to decide for ourselves.

 

Help me feel like I am not alone in this... that other families are overbearing and controlling and opinionated, too, under the guise of thoughtfulness. :glare:

 

That's too bad!

 

Back when DH's parents were alive they once got so mad at us (because our answering picked up too many times) that they told the extended family to stop inviting us to parties and activities. Until we learned to answer the phone. :tongue_smilie: They wouldn't leave messages so we hadn't even known they had been calling.

 

Sheesh.

 

It's funny now.

 

Back then, not so much.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I'm a bit miffed this morning. And I think Facebook is to blame. Well, not really, but if it weren't for FB I wouldn't know, until, say Thanksgiving. :tongue_smilie:

Dh's pseudo-grandmother turned 80 on Sunday. His mother, his sister, and bil were all at the party, according to the pics on FB.

 

 

 

 

Was it a big shindig, or could it have possibly been a spontaneous get-together? Were there invitations, and early plans, and decorations? Or, did they just decide that afternoon to do something for Grandma? It's not even his real grandma? Just a close family friend?

 

I don't know your family dynamics, or whether this is a regular occurance, but I can see how this could have easily just been an oversight, not a premeditated decision. Out of sight, out of mind. If no one is officially in charge of remembering, sometimes people get forgotten in the busyness of it all.

[patchfire]

Just wondering, could the invite have been lost in the mail?

 

Aww, that would be a nice solution - but no. The family dynamic is incredibly screwed up as it is, and MIL, at least, is the type that would have called when we did not RSVP.

[ChrisB]

Aww, that would be a nice solution - but no. The family dynamic is incredibly screwed up as it is, and MIL, at least, is the type that would have called when we did not RSVP.

Gotcha!

[KidsHappen]

Well, we don't exactly have that problem but if you put three or more of them in the same room for too long they will make plans that I will be informed about later. At least, I don't have to do the planning though.

[Aggie]

Was it a big shindig, or could it have possibly been a spontaneous get-together? Were there invitations, and early plans, and decorations? Or, did they just decide that afternoon to do something for Grandma? It's not even his real grandma? Just a close family friend?

 

I don't know your family dynamics, or whether this is a regular occurance, but I can see how this could have easily just been an oversight, not a premeditated decision. Out of sight, out of mind. If no one is officially in charge of remembering, sometimes people get forgotten in the busyness of it all.

 

 

Suzanne posted my exact thoughts!

 

One of my sisters lives 2hr from the rest of the family. She has a dh, but no children. She also works strange hours, travels a lot, and misses many family get-togethers by her choice.

 

My other sister and I live very close to our parents and we both have children very close in age.

 

When there is a spontaneous gathering, little sis doesn't usually get an invitation. Even when there is something planned, if no one person is in charge, little sis gets left out. It's not intentional, and we are trying to fix our lack of communication in this area. As a matter of fact, we weren't even aware of her hurt feelings until she mentioned it recently.

 

Can you casually mention that you'd like to get invitations to events?

:grouphug:

[Murphy101]

My dh is an only child.

 

We get both ends of this.

 

My inlaws will plan something and never tell us or tell us at the last minute and get mad because we can't afford a sitter or already made plans.

 

Or they will only invite dh and get mad when he says we are a family package.

 

I don't get hurt by it anymore, more like mildly annoyed, and we just go our merry oblivious way.

[OrganicAnn]

Have you spoken up about it? Spoken in a calm, non-confrontational way to them about what you feel/want.

[JoyfulMama]

Was it a big shindig, or could it have possibly been a spontaneous get-together? Were there invitations, and early plans, and decorations? Or, did they just decide that afternoon to do something for Grandma? It's not even his real grandma? Just a close family friend?

.... Out of sight, out of mind. If no one is officially in charge of remembering, sometimes people get forgotten in the busyness of it all.

 

No, this was not spontaneous - this was an ordered cake, a reserved location, decorations.

Dh's mother's mother died at a young age. Dh's mother was barely out of high school when she died. Their neighbor was their housekeeper for many years, and also cared for dh's mother as she was growing up. She became an even stronger mother figure for dh's mother after her own mother died. Family meals include this couple, as they are truly family.

 

Out of sight, out of mind... yes... I know...

 

...

Can you casually mention that you'd like to get invitations to events?

:grouphug:

 

What I did... I sent an email to my MIL asking if I missed some communication. Although I love her dearly, we don't always communicate effectively, and I have been trying to improve my side (which is what I have control of).

[Miss Sherry]

I'm a bit miffed this morning. And I think Facebook is to blame. Well, not really, but if it weren't for FB I wouldn't know, until, say Thanksgiving. :tongue_smilie:

Dh's pseudo-grandmother turned 80 on Sunday. His mother, his sister, and bil were all at the party, according to the pics on FB.

 

I have a feeling (pure conjecture here) that dh wasn't invited "because we are so far away". 90 minutes away. I think that WE should be able to decide which things we do and don't decide to drive in for. Not all things work with our busy schedule, and I'm not saying we would have been able to definitely attend yesterday. But I think that we AS ADULTS should be given the opportunity to decide for ourselves.

 

Help me feel like I am not alone in this... that other families are overbearing and controlling and opinionated, too, under the guise of thoughtfulness. :glare:

Maybe you should stop reading facebook. It is hurtful to read about other family members getting together and not inviting you. I think facebook can tend to give us more information than we need to know about the daily activities of others.

[akmommy]

We've had the inlaws all get together in the community we live in and still been excluded. Heck, I've pretty much been excluded from DH's paternal family from day one. All because I wouldn't cow-tow to the old man with an ego problem (DH's grandfather). Meh, who needs them anyway. Now that the old man is gone DH's dad seems to want to take his place. Well, I won't cow-tow to him either.

After an incident this last spring (well, really a series of behavior but the one incident was particularly destructive) he isn't even allowed to see our children without DH or I present so that we can gather the kiddoes and leave when he starts with the behavior.

[Starr]

My mother spoke wistfully of having all of her children together for a visit someday. Then I figured out she had just met up with my sibs and I wasn't invited. Okay Mom you have to invite all of us if you want to see us together. And we all get along. I just happen to live the furthest away. I told her I would like the option of not being able to fly across the country but it would be nice to have the option.

[Guest CarolineUK]

This is quite a sore point for me at the moment. For the past 14 years every Christmas but two has been spent with my in-laws, either at mil's house or at ours. For the past six years it has been here, despite pregnancies, new babies, etc. These have been big Christmases, with several people staying, drinks or buffet parties on Christmas eve, huge formal Christmas lunches. Exhausting.

 

When we first got married everyone agreed mil and fil would spend one Christmas with us and then the next year with bil. Anyway, bil ran off with another woman, followed by an ugly divorce, so I felt obligated to look after everyone at Christmas while this was going on. For the past two years I've been getting more and more annoyed and told DH that I just wasn't going to do it this year, I wanted a Christmas here with just us and the boys.

 

Mil hasn't' spoken to me in almost a year (don't know why), so the matter hadn't come up for discussion until this weekend when bil called (from his car phone, on loud speaker, with a car full of his three children and new wife) to invite himself and family to our house for Christmas. I said I needed to speak to DH, whose jaw dropped when I told him. Probably the most annoying thing, however, is that if bil et al were to come for Christmas then mil and fil would naturally come too, and so she gets an invite without even having to speak to me :glare:. DH is behind me here and will speak to bil. I'm just wondering what I should say if this is pushed any further.

[Rosie_0801]

My aunts have recently decided their mother will be following one of them to the tropics. She'll do as she's told, she always does after she has her whinge about it, but I wish she'd tell them where to get off this time. She'd be better off with me, for more reasons that just that she hates the tropical weather. I'm not the important one, though ;)

 

Rosie

[Kates]

Yep...except with us, it goes the other way as well.

 

I have a stepdad who, for random reasons, decides that my mom is better off being with me (800+ miles away from everyone and everything she knows) than in her current city & situation (where she's perfectly happy), so he calls, texts, and emails me constantly asking if she can come live with me. Not both of them, just her. And they're not on the verge of divorce or anything, so I'm not quite sure where all that falls into place. But there you go.

 

Then, I've got MIL and FIL who randomly go back and forth between wanting us there all the time & wanting to be involved in EVERY part of our lives, and deciding that I'm demon spawn, responsible for global warming and terror in the Middle East and ds13 is an irresponsible, disrespectful child and needs to be put in his place - but dh is "burdened" with us and needs to be counseled as to how to resist being "pulled down" by us. They'll actually tell him all sorts of completely fictional (and pretty horrid) things about ds and I, and an hour later wonder why we haven't been around lately and why we don't want to spend every moment with them. Sigh...

 

Gotta say, I gave up wondering what goes through their minds a long time ago. I figure I have plenty of sane family members I can have a good relationship with...I'm not going to spend my time worrying about those who just drive me nuts anyway :tongue_smilie:

[Hannah]

My in-laws will not tell us about things so that we don't have more stress to worry about... like when mil went to the hospital for heart issues...

 

My step-mom did this when my father was in ICU after a puffadder bite 3 years ago. She called more than 30 hours after he was admitted - and not because she didn't have access to a phone. She slept at home. When I asked her why she hadn't called before, she said that she "just knew" he'd be OK and didn't want to worry us. Grrrrrr indeed!!

 

She has learned, though, and now lets us know if anything is going on.

[G5052]

People tend to post about parties/events without thinking about the feelings of those who see the posts and weren't invited. The pictures make it worse.

 

You can second-guess yourself to no end on this type of thing. Why wasn't I invited? I thought I was close with them too? My kids would have liked that? Etc. etc.

 

Let it go.

[K-FL]

My in-laws will not tell us about things so that we don't have more stress to worry about... like when mil went to the hospital for heart issues...

 

My mom was a bad one for this. When I was in college, I wouldn't know that my grandmother was in the hospital until I read the church newsletter. I talked to my mom EVERY SATURDAY, plus she could have called or written to let me know. She got enough grief that she doesn't do that anymore though. ;)