"Mothers make a career of being upset."

[Nestof3]

I am perusing a literature guide for The Master Puppeteer, and I came across this quote.

 

"Mothers make a career of being upset."

 

My family would agree with it. Maybe, though, it's because my work never ends. There's always something to clean up, someone to command, something to be responsible for.

 

My husband has been home a lot (working about 20 hours a week) because he has employees, and because of the drought. And yet my workload has not lightened. I do have to say I am thrilled he put in an irrigation for my garden and flower beds during a couple of days last week. Once in my life, I would like to work a 20-hour week.

 

But, it's always me -- fixing three computers, washing a load of clothes of which one item is mine, preparing meal after meal after meal, wiping the cat's rear end, taking care of the finances, getting the kids to bed, etc. It seems the more I do, the less anyone knows how to do. Someone is always asking for help. I'm wearing too many :hat: s.

 

I feel like saying, "Family members make a career of seeing how much the mom can do before she collapses from exhaustion only to find herself in a facility."

 

I'm tired. My to-do list never ends.:rant:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Perhaps the cat could take care of her own rear-end? We usually have fastidious felines who take it upon themselves to.....take care of themselves.

 

 

I DO think that mothers make a career of being upset. I didn't take it to mean the day-to-day things, but...I really do tire of hearing women/moms trying to outdo each other:

 

"No, no, no...MY pregnancy/induction/labor/breastfeeding experience was the WORST EVER IMAGINABLE!!!"

 

"Oh, NO ya don't! MY kid's special need/diagnosis/allergy/whathaveyou is more rare and special and time-consuming than YOUR kid's!"

 

etc.etc.etc. I hear it more IRL than here, tbh and I am not talking about anyone here!!

 

But, really, sometimes it starts to sound eerily close to dangerous, like some women really DO take too much pride in the problems of their offspring. :confused:

[Nestof3]

She has had a urinary tract infection and on antibiotics. She also has an anal gland problem. If I don't wipe it, the gland liquid and bathroom residue gets on my carpet.

 

Perhaps the cat could take care of her own rear-end? We usually have fastidious felines who take it upon themselves to.....take care of themselves.

 

 

 

[shannatheshedevil]

That cat would be learning the joy of those period panties at my house.

 

And I will commiserate that when my husband is home, my workload triples.

[KidsHappen]

I can relate. I have people standing in line waiting to ask me to do something. I have reached the point where I tell my family of course I will do whatever because after all I just stand around all day waiting for someone to tell me what to do. They then proceed with their request. Apparently they don't know a sarcasm when they hear one. :glare:

[Plucky]

Oh, dear. Let go of some of that responsibility. I make dinner most days. My kids make their own breakfast & lunch. I do have to remind them to put the food back and pick up after themselves. My kids do a lot of chores now, too. It's nice because they are the ones making the messes. They do their own laundry, too and have since each was 7 or 8 (an older sib would help). Definitely get that cat some diapers. :)

 

I'm sorry you are feeling that way tonight.

[Pata]

:grouphug:It's not fun to be the one doing most of the work. BTDT, try this..

 

Dd: Mom, I'm hungry!!!! (usually with whining and possible quite loud)

Me: Oh no, what are you going to do about that?

Dd: Umm, aren't you going to make me a snack?

Me: Nope, Mommy's taking some rest/sanity time.

Dd: But I'm hungry and your just sitting there! (usually with some more whining)

Me: I know, do you want me to give you a few suggestions on what you could do to get a snack?

Dd: Umm, ok (looking very confused)

Me: I would go look in the cabinet to see if there's some crackers or I would get a piece of fruit off the counter.

Dd: But I don't want that (more whining)

Me: That's too bad, Mommy's having some rest/sanity time right now, so your going to have to figure this out on your own, I know you can do it. (Then lean back in my chair and close my eyes, secretly smiling because I know that she's staring at me shocked that I wouldn't cater to her every whim.:D)

 

Seriously, you need to set some boundaries (speaking only from experience here) or you will burn yourself out and end up resenting your kids and your dh. We all know that when momma ain't happy, nobody is happy. And if they don't clean up from snack, ask them if they are going to clean up or do they want you to? When they respond with you, tell them that you charge $5 to clean up after snack, do they want to pay you now or later that evening? Usually my dd will quickly shout "No, I'll do it", if not, I just bought myself a Starbucks Chai Tea (because I don't drink coffee) :). Hope that helps!

Edited July 27, 2010 by Pata

[Mom in High Heels]

I only have one child and don't know how women with more than one do it. Just one is exhausting. Of course dh adds quite a bit to the workload, especially when he's off. Indy does now make his own breakfast most mornings (unless I offer) and asks if he can get himself a snack, so that helps. I do make dinner every night (because dh is a terrible cook), but it would be nice if he cleaned it up a little more often. He does on occasion, but not often enough. I hate a dirty kitchen, but most days I'm too tired to clean it.

[Laura Corin]

I think that there may be some things you can offload there. Here there are two blocks of work after supper: clearing up and putting Hobbes to bed (Calvin pretty much gets himself to bed). I prefer to clear up the kitchen; husband is happy dealing with Hobbes.

 

Washing: I wash everything but Calvin sorts and puts away.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Peela]

I wouldn't like to live like that, always upset and stressed.

 

Sure, mothering and homeschooling and housekeeping is a fair amount of work...particularly when you add in a part time job....but I think the quote is referring to our tendency to martydom (and not the silent, stoic type, but the expressive, whiny type), and I have worked hard to overcome that one.

 

Again (I say it frequently)....Flylady helped me significantly to set my boundaries and change my attitude, and get basic routines down so that I am not overwhelmed and always busy.

[Carrie12345]

 

But, it's always me -- fixing three computers, washing a load of clothes of which one item is mine, preparing meal after meal after meal, wiping the cat's rear end, taking care of the finances, getting the kids to bed, etc. It seems the more I do, the less anyone knows how to do. Someone is always asking for help. I'm wearing too many :hat: s.

 

Yes, you are!

Show the kids how to wash their clothes.

Have the kids handle more of their own meals.

Let the kids start going to bed on their own.

 

I fully admit that I tend to do the "I can do it faster and better myself" baloney. While it may be true, all those jobs add up to a ridiculous amount of time and, eventually, resentment. THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT!

[Jan in SC]

I would just start giving my dh things to do if he were home.

 

"Hi,dh. After lunch I'm going to Staples. The boys will be fine playing here, but please switch out the next load of laundry and ask dc to empty the dishwasher. Call me if you want me to get something while I'm out!" Then walk out the door!!!

[Melinda in VT]

I agree with the advice to delegate.

 

Kids the ages of yours are more than able to get their own breakfast and lunch, put clothes in the washer and dryer, do dishes, and put themselves to bed. After a bit of initial training, you really shouldn't need to do more than remind them. (B, put a load of clothes in the laundry. N, please unload the dishwasher.)

 

I have not successfully delegated computer maintenance, and I probably wouldn't trust them with the finances ;), but unloading some of the more routine housework really does help.

[NorthwestMom]

I have a saying I repeat to myself when i find myself in your position, "If I overfunction, I allow others to underfunction." And that's not good for them, isn't it? You don't want to raise helpless kids (or a helpless DH). You'll be doing them a favor if you offload some of the work.

 

DH and I had an argument in May because he had passively let go of many of his household responsibilities. I can't do it all, and some of it I physically cannot do no matter what. He very crabbily made a list of chores and put it on his personal calendar so he could be reminded to check and see if the grass needs mowing or the gutters need to be cleaned, etc. He actually does do it, not always on my schedule but I shut up and do not say a word, because who's to say it has to be done my way? At least he's doing it eventually.

 

Good luck!

[Jugglin'5]

My kids make their own lunches and breakfasts (and help their littlest brother), wash their own clothes, and clean up the kitchen and table after dinner. I wouldn't be able to homeschool otherwise. I would be too overwhelmed.

[Garga]

And I will commiserate that when my husband is home, my workload triples.

 

 

My dh is a sweetie pie and cleans up the kitchen and puts his laundry in the basket, etc.

 

But he was gone for 8 days last week and my workload was so light. The house stayed completely clean for the entire 8 days. I'm not sure how this happens... It's not like he makes messes and leaves them around...and yet, when he was gone, the house didn't get messy.

 

I don't understand it.

[Leav97]

:iagree:

[Susan in TX]

My family would agree with it. Maybe, though, it's because my work never ends. There's always something to clean up, someone to command, something to be responsible for.

 

This is true, but I see no reason to be upset about it. To me, this is just what comes with the job...esp when you have as many kiddos as I do. But I don't resent doing the work. Why should I? And if I'm doing too much for my children who are capable of doing things for themselves and others, I have no one to blame but myself.

 

Susan in TX

[Nestof3]

I guess I just figured there would come an age when people would start doing things without being told. Everyone else in the house just leaves things lying around, and either I have to pick them up, or I have to take time to tell someone to pick them up. I don't think I should still be doing this in the over 18 crowd.

 

I still have to remind my boys to get dressed, to brush their teeth, to make their beds, etc.

 

I'm personally tired of being reminded that if I had worked as long and as hard as others, I would have earned more time off. It makes me wish I were 50 years old.

 

When other people do things, they don't listen for the instructions, so it isn't done properly. For example, the cat. I've been giving her antibiotic twice a day. It has to be done when she's fed. My eldest feeds her in the morning. So, he gave her the antibiotic yesterday morning. Despite having told him how it had to be done (push it to the back of her mouth, then give her the food immediately so she starts eating and swallows), I found the antibiotic on the floor yesterday evening. He put it in her mouth, set her food down, and walked off. Is it a huge deal? No, but this is what happens all of the time.

 

I asked him to water my pots and garden while I was gone. He forgot about the garden.

 

I will leave and say, "Have the boys practice their piano." My husband sits with them, particularly to help Ben who has a hard time. I come home, and piano wasn't done.

 

I'm tired of having to ask for favors to be done numerous times before the favor is actually done. When someone asks me to help with something (such as my Internet Explorer keeps freezing up), I don't have to be asked more than once.

 

I think it boils down to not feeling like I can depend on people, yet people can depend on me. I hear, "I forgot" all day long.

 

I had Nathan unload the dishwasher this morning, and then I had to come back to tell him that you cannot put large plates on top of small plates. When Aaron unloads the dishwasher, he puts large casserole dishes on top of small ones, so they fall over creating a mess. And no, he's not always here to clean it up.

 

What is so hard about doing a job right?

 

 

This is true, but I see no reason to be upset about it. To me, this is just what comes with the job...esp when you have as many kiddos as I do. But I don't resent doing the work. Why should I? And if I'm doing too much for my children who are capable of doing things for themselves and others, I have no one to blame but myself.

 

Susan in TX

[Lovedtodeath]

I am perusing a literature guide for The Master Puppeteer, and I came across this quote.

 

"Mothers make a career of being upset."

 

My family would agree with it. Maybe, though, it's because my work never ends. There's always something to clean up, someone to command, something to be responsible for.

 

My husband has been home a lot (working about 20 hours a week) because he has employees, and because of the drought. And yet my workload has not lightened. I do have to say I am thrilled he put in an irrigation for my garden and flower beds during a couple of days last week. Once in my life, I would like to work a 20-hour week.

 

But, it's always me -- fixing three computers, washing a load of clothes of which one item is mine, preparing meal after meal after meal, wiping the cat's rear end, taking care of the finances, getting the kids to bed, etc. It seems the more I do, the less anyone knows how to do. Someone is always asking for help. I'm wearing too many :hat: s.

 

I feel like saying, "Family members make a career of seeing how much the mom can do before she collapses from exhaustion only to find herself in a facility."

 

I'm tired. My to-do list never ends.:rant:

I agree. You need boundaries, hon. Boundaries. Including scheduled times that you are on a break.

 

Perhaps the cat could take care of her own rear-end? We usually have fastidious felines who take it upon themselves to.....take care of themselves.

 

 

I DO think that mothers make a career of being upset. I didn't take it to mean the day-to-day things, but...I really do tire of hearing women/moms trying to outdo each other:

 

"No, no, no...MY pregnancy/induction/labor/breastfeeding experience was the WORST EVER IMAGINABLE!!!"

 

"Oh, NO ya don't! MY kid's special need/diagnosis/allergy/whathaveyou is more rare and special and time-consuming than YOUR kid's!"

 

etc.etc.etc. I hear it more IRL than here, tbh and I am not talking about anyone here!!

 

But, really, sometimes it starts to sound eerily close to dangerous, like some women really DO take too much pride in the problems of their offspring. :confused:

Yes, oh yea, I have a friend like this.

[Peri]

I'm right there with ya!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Routines are your friend. We have an early morning routine. Everyone knows what they are supposed to do during that time. At first I had to print out the routine and have the kids look at the routine before doing it. (I have a notebook with paper in page protectors.) Now I just say, "It is time for our early morning routine." Then I will check that all is done in the routine. Often all I need to say is the child's name in a warning voice and they scamper to see what they forgot. Or I might just say, "Missed something." If something is done wrong, then they are called back to do it right. If they are called back enough times they figure out that it is better to do it right the first time.

 

Besides an early morning routine, we have a getting breakfast routine, an after breakfast chore time routine, a school routine, a lunch routine, then time off before we have a doing laundry routine, a clean-up time routine, a supper/feed the animals routine, an after supper routine and then much later, a bedtime routine. Notice that I said that "we" have those routines. We each have a part in chores, clean up, laundry etc. This is an active demonstration of the old adage "Many hands make light work".

[Natalieclare]

 

What is so hard about doing a job right?

 

I have found that doing a job right is related to receiving training. When I was young, my mother completely exasperated me over and over again with her anger at my failure to clean the bathroom satisfactorily. I scrubbed the toilet, wiped the counters, scoured the tub. Yet it was never cleaned right. What had happened was she never *showed* me what she wanted, never had me perform the task under her eyes to ensure I was following the right steps. (Years later I figured out I was missing a buffing step.) I think there is a big difference between telling someone to do something and training someone for the job.

[Rosie_0801]

I guess I just figured there would come an age when people would start doing things without being told. Everyone else in the house just leaves things lying around, and either I have to pick them up, or I have to take time to tell someone to pick them up. I don't think I should still be doing this in the over 18 crowd.

 

I bag stuff up and stick it in the shed. There's a big bag out there just now full of dh's clean clothes, some dirty clothes, a few coat hangers and some computer cords. If it is out there, it is not bothering me.

 

I still have to remind my boys to get dressed, to brush their teeth, to make their beds, etc.

 

I'd stop caring. If they don't want to make their beds, close the door so you don't have to see. Yeah, that'll make their room smell, but that won't bother you personally if the door is closed. If they don't brush their teeth, their breath will smell and people will say "Ew, get away, your breath stinks!" That will probably inspire them to go brush them. Does it really matter if they are dressed unless you are going out? I remember Mum threatening to take us out in our pajamas if we didn't get dressed in time, and my brother only dawdled that badly once!

 

I'm personally tired of being reminded that if I had worked as long and as hard as others, I would have earned more time off. It makes me wish I were 50 years old.

 

That'd make me wish I was a widowed empty nester. Whoever said that deserves a very rude answer, followed by "You wanna see what happens when I don't work. Ok, you've got it!" (No "Sincerely, Dawn" type attitude ;) ) When the person returns saying they get the point and you can start working again, tell them that isn't inspiring enough to even make you brush your hair and you expect some serious sucking up. (Dinner cooked, a cleaned kitchen, and a little box of chocolate seashell chokkies, minimum.)

 

I think these lads need to be beaten into shape. A nice face isn't enough to get them happily married. Housework competence is a highly prized selling point on their romantic resumes.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're overwhelmed. :grouphug:

[Brindee]

I agree with training them and showing them exactly what you want done. I wrote things out step by stp as I wanted them to do them. Those papers were in a binder, and I would hand them the appropriate one (which was in a sheet protector) so there's no way for them to use the excuse that they didn't know what to do! After awhile they got it, and didn't need to look at the directions anymore. My kids know how to shop--find lowest price, check ingredients, etc., they do their own laundry, they have regular chores. It's all been learned and expected, and they just do it when they're told to do their chores. The learning curve can be painful, but once they understand the expectations and get the idea, they'll be happier and you'll be happier!

 

I instituted a QRT (quiet reading time) in the middle of the day. Each kid went to a separate area, and so did I, and read or napped for 45 minutes at first, then 1 hour, at their request! During that time it was QUIET! I made myself NOT do schoolwork or housework, I just rested or read. That helped me tremendously!

 

You've always told them to pick things up or picked it up yourself, so why should they do it?! You need to re-train them! I agree with Rosie--if they leave their stuff out, remind them once. If it's not cleaned up, out it goes, and cannot be retrieved for a month, or for $5 or whatever works best to make them realize you're serious about not leaving things around the house!

 

Your dh should be helping out more! Not sure what to do about that one, since mine does pitch in. I'm sorrya bout that one!

 

My kids have gotten their own breakfasts and lunches for some time. Sometimes I'll fix special bfasts or lunches, but not always. Sometimes they prefer "whatever" nights for dinner too: where everyone picks, fixes and eats whatever they choose! Then there's no computer or other things until everyone pitches in and gets stuff done.

 

We do bursts: let's all go in the kitchen and work hard on cleaning it up for 15 minutes. Or, do yard work for 30 minutes, etc. It's amazing how much can get done when they know it's only a short length of time. Tell them, "You work 'til this is done!" It may never get done for some kids, it's too overwhelming! But give a short time period for everyone to work at it together, and it. gets. done!! It's more fun that way too, and they can be off doing what they really want to do. It's actually a family closeness thing, kind of bonding, cuz you're working together!

 

Don't allow them to take advantage of you. Re-train them! Have a family pow-wow to discuss changes that need to be made, and let everyone have a say on what needs to be done, consequences for disobedience or continued problems, etc. When they have a part in making the rules, they're more responsible about following through, and can't blame you for being too mean! ;)

 

Just some thoughts and ideas. Hang in there. Stand up for yourself and let your kids learn to do this stuff on their own!

[5LittleMonkeys]

I've been where you are...too often. I remember telling my mom the exact same things you said in your post. I also remember her giving me advice and thinking to myself while she was talking that she didn't get it, didn't REALLY understand what I was going through and that I didn't want her solutions I wanted her sympathy. I wanted her to tell me I was right for being so frustrated and that no mother should have to go through what I did.

 

She wasn't completely sympathetic...she told me she was sad that I was upset and that if I wasn't happy with the situation I should do something about it. My dad heard us talking and quietly walked over and handed me a folded piece of paper with this on it. Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 ESV

 

That was 5 years ago when I only had 3 dc. Now I have 5 and I can honestly say that for the most part I have no feelings of being overworked or unappreciated. It was a long road to get here and I'm still training them and will continue training them until they are grown and parents themselves. It's my job. It's what I signed up for when hubby and I decided to have children.

 

I wish I could write in just a few sentences how I manage to get everything accomplished and still have plenty of time to pursue my own interests. I start training early...like 4 years old. But as I said, it continues as they grow. Some things they do now without being told but as they mature they are taking on more responsibility and they have to be trained in that. They mess up sometimes and they forget sometimes because they are children and what is clear and important to us is not to them. Patience and natural consequences are key.

 

I had to snicker when you wrote about the dishwasher incident and I noticed you clarified that the offender wasn't around later to fix it. Nonsense! I bet he came home eventually! When I was training my dd11 on kitchen duties she frequently would not do the job the way I had trained her. One night she again got in a big hurry, didn't rinse anything and put big pots right on top of plates. Well, obviously they didn't get clean. The next morning she had plans to leave the house early to go to a friend's (before I had the other daughter empty the dishwasher). We left everything where it was and just kept piling up the dishes throughout the day. She got home at 9 that night and stayed up until 11 washing, by hand, ALL of the dishes. I didn't get mad, didn't yell, didn't say anything other than, "Because you didn't do your job correctly last night we weren't able to put the dishes from today into the dishwasher. You'll need to wash, dry and put them all away before you go to bed. Don't forget to turn the light out when your done. Good night." Was it inconvenient to have dirty dishes all over my kitchen all day? Yes. Was I tempted just to do them all myself? YES! But that would have caused resentment in me and wouldn't have taught her the lesson of natural consequences. It all has to start with you. You have to change your tactics before you can start seeing results. Be pro-active don't enable.

 

I hope you don't take all of this as being preachy, I really do understand exactly how you feel. I also know how living that way is miserable and will eventually (if it hasn't already) make everyone else miserable which can lead to even more animosity and resentment. If you really truly can't stand the way things are please make changes. Raising your children should be a joyous and satisfying task and unfortunately you don't get very long to to try to get it right. :grouphug:

[BeautifulLife]

:grouphug: I understand how you feel! While my DH is very helpful when he is home, he is gone a lot. (He's in the Navy and is constantly on duty, underway, or deployed). Taking care of the kids, pets, and home can definitely feel overwhelming sometimes!

FWIW, there are certain things that make me feel better and change my perspective when I am stressed out, overworked, or feeling unappreciated....

First, I remember why I do what I do - I love my DH and kids, I love my God, and I am serving and glorifying HIM by serving my family. He desires to me to do my best in all tasks, big or small, and to do them joyfully with a sense of purpose.

Second, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger! :)

My DH reminded me the other day of how quickly our kids are growing up and how little time we really have with them. He encouraged me to focus on enjoying them & our time together instead of allowing myself to get irritated over petty things.

Do your sons get an allowance? We are starting something new around here to encourage my kids to remember the little things... hanging up their towels after showers, putting their dish in the dishwasher, putting their bikes in the garage before they come inside, etc.

They get a set amount of money at the beginning of each week in a jar. So they can see what they'll end up with at the end of the week if they remember to do their chores, clean up after themselves, speak kindly to each other... A certain amount (depending on how much each child gets... say a dime if they got $3) is taken out of the jar with each infraction.

I know this totally might not work for you or others, each child is different, but for my kids it is good motivation.

 

And like a previous post mentioned - boundaries!

[BeautifulLife]

:grouphug:It's not fun to be the one doing most of the work. BTDT, try this..

 

Dd: Mom, I'm hungry!!!! (usually with whining and possible quite loud)

Me: Oh no, what are you going to do about that?

Dd: Umm, aren't you going to make me a snack?

Me: Nope, Mommy's taking some rest/sanity time.

Dd: But I'm hungry and your just sitting there! (usually with some more whining)

Me: I know, do you want me to give you a few suggestions on what you could do to get a snack?

Dd: Umm, ok (looking very confused)

Me: I would go look in the cabinet to see if there's some crackers or I would get a piece of fruit off the counter.

Dd: But I don't want that (more whining)

Me: That's too bad, Mommy's having some rest/sanity time right now, so your going to have to figure this out on your own, I know you can do it. (Then lean back in my chair and close my eyes, secretly smiling because I know that she's staring at me shocked that I wouldn't cater to her every whim.:D)

 

Seriously, you need to set some boundaries (speaking only from experience here) or you will burn yourself out and end up resenting your kids and your dh. We all know that when momma ain't happy, nobody is happy. And if they don't clean up from snack, ask them if they are going to clean up or do they want you to? When they respond with you, tell them that you charge $5 to clean up after snack, do they want to pay you now or later that evening? Usually my dd will quickly shout "No, I'll do it", if not, I just bought myself a Starbucks Chai Tea (because I don't drink coffee) :). Hope that helps!

 

:lol: I love this!! (I also love a Starbucks iced chai! )

[LG Gone Wild]

To the OP: You need to adopt our former school motto "Poor work makes more work". Don't work? Don't eat. Get ruthless woman!

[jazzyfizzle]

I bag stuff up and stick it in the shed. There's a big bag out there just now full of dh's clean clothes, some dirty clothes, a few coat hangers and some computer cords. If it is out there, it is not bothering me.

 

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

 

ROFL :lol::lol: Rosie you are great. :D

When I was younger and had 1 small kid, I had a friend with a boy the same age. If he didn't pick up a specific room when she told him to (..pick your toys up out of the living room!!..) she would go through with a garbage bag the same way.

:lol:

Wish I had the gumption to do that!

 

 

ETA- I started laughing all over again after re-reading the post. :lol::lol:

[Rosie_0801]

:lol:

Wish I had the gumption to do that!

 

 

Try it. I bet you'll find it requires less gumption than you think. The funny thing about it was dh was hunting about for something, then came to ask me where it was. I replied, "In a plastic bag in the shed, I think." All he said was "Oh, ok. Thanks." :lol: The bag is still there, minus whatever it was he was looking for. If he's happy to keep his belongings in garbage bags in the shed, there's no reason why it should bother me!

 

Rosie

[Lovedtodeath]

I guess I just figured there would come an age when people would start doing things without being told. Everyone else in the house just leaves things lying around, and either I have to pick them up, or I have to take time to tell someone to pick them up. I don't think I should still be doing this in the over 18 crowd.

Well, ahem, sometimes we just can't help it. I have ADD and I forget to pick things up, clean things up, switch out the laundry, etc. ALL THE TIME. :D

When other people do things, they don't listen for the instructions, so it isn't done properly. For example, the cat. I've been giving her antibiotic twice a day. It has to be done when she's fed. My eldest feeds her in the morning. So, he gave her the antibiotic yesterday morning. Despite having told him how it had to be done (push it to the back of her mouth, then give her the food immediately so she starts eating and swallows), I found the antibiotic on the floor yesterday evening. He put it in her mouth, set her food down, and walked off. Is it a huge deal? No, but this is what happens all of the time.

 

I asked him to water my pots and garden while I was gone. He forgot about the garden.

 

I will leave and say, "Have the boys practice their piano." My husband sits with them, particularly to help Ben who has a hard time. I come home, and piano wasn't done.

 

I'm tired of having to ask for favors to be done numerous times before the favor is actually done. When someone asks me to help with something (such as my Internet Explorer keeps freezing up), I don't have to be asked more than once.

 

I think it boils down to not feeling like I can depend on people, yet people can depend on me. I hear, "I forgot" all day long.

 

I had Nathan unload the dishwasher this morning, and then I had to come back to tell him that you cannot put large plates on top of small plates. When Aaron unloads the dishwasher, he puts large casserole dishes on top of small ones, so they fall over creating a mess. And no, he's not always here to clean it up.

 

What is so hard about doing a job right?

I hear you. Next time they owe you a present, have them read this. They need to know how this is making you feel.

[Laura Corin]

Routines are your friend. We have an early morning routine. Everyone knows what they are supposed to do during that time. At first I had to print out the routine and have the kids look at the routine before doing it. (I have a notebook with paper in page protectors.) Now I just say, "It is time for our early morning routine." Then I will check that all is done in the routine.

 

It works really well.

 

Laura

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I get as overwhelmed as the next mom. It is hard to do all that I do in a day. But, this is what I signed up for. I can choose to feel miserable, and to *be* miserable to those around me, or I can choose to make life work the best way I know how, daily.

 

I do get whiny occasionally. I think it is unavoidable. Sometimes I am really ungrateful for all I have and I wish myself on a desert island. A. L. O. N. E.

 

But most often, I am just so glad for what I have. I have a man who loves me and will do a lot for me and his kids. I have kids who are growing up and becoming, with my help, responsible people and joyful helpers. Becoming that. It is my job to help them. I signed up.

 

I home educate. I signed up for that, too. It's a lot of work. Full time work during the school year. But it has a LOT of perks.

 

Everyone has to find the way to do things that is going to work best for them. I find that if I get my ego out of the way and do the thing that will ultimately create the environment we would all like to live in, that is what works best. I do not want to live in a world where everyone is out for their own goodies, and there is disregard and disrespect for others while we look out for #1. That is not what I want to teach my kids, and it is not the treatment I want from my husband.

 

So, I try to find the best methods of living day to day, I struggle to find what will keep me motivated and sane, and I gladly work as hard as I do knowing that the payoff is in solid relationships.

[Parrothead]

All I can do is commiserate. I don't here, "I forgot." I hear "I didn't know." :grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Thank you all for the advice on structure. That would be a great thing to work on over the summer. I've done chore charts before, and they worked well, but I let them slip on by.

 

This morning, I told the boys to bring the clothes from the dryer to my bed. You would have thought I was torturing Nathan. Ben complained about how hard it was to make his pajama pants turn right-side out. It got done, though.

 

This was after I awoke to a foot-long brown streak from the cat on the carpet, which I cleaned up. We see the vet again on Friday.

 

I think what bothers me also is that I put so much effort into training Aaron how to contribute to the family (my motto has always been, "You don't reap the benefits of the family unless to contribute to the family." Another of my mottoes has been, "If you haven't done something for someone else today, you haven't really lived.") I have modeled this too. He would do the things on the chore chart when he was younger, but it is disappointing to still have to get on his case about it. And now, I'm in the same position with my younger ones -- not feeling very hopeful.

 

I also do get tired of feeling like everyone wants me there for them, but being there for me is a complete inconvenience. For example, last night I was getting ready to watch a movie in my bedroom. Right before, Aaron came out and said that his Internet Explorer was freezing up again. I just worked on and fixed this problem (add-ons were messing it up) the day before. So, I went back and fixed the problem in a better way. Then, I reached for my headphones which are on my exercise bike. They were caught. Then I realized that the cord had become entangled with the wheel and snapped. So, I have ordered a second set of headphones which Nathan is paying for because I had just reminded him the day before to stay off my bike. They are allowed to watch movies on my bed because our house is very small, and if we are trying to concentrate in the living area, it's easier for them to be back there.

 

I think that there may be some things you can offload there. Here there are two blocks of work after supper: clearing up and putting Hobbes to bed (Calvin pretty much gets himself to bed). I prefer to clear up the kitchen; husband is happy dealing with Hobbes.

 

Washing: I wash everything but Calvin sorts and puts away.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

 

If I don't oversee them getting to bed, their teeth do not get brushed, and Ben forgets his pull-up. When there's no pull-up, the sheets need to be washed. Because of the design of the bunk bed, Ben is not capable of putting the fitted sheet back on himself. I do make him take them off and put them in the washer, though.

 

Many people help clean up after dinner, but there are always pots left to be scrubbed, or the table to be wiped down, etc. It's never actually done completely, and yes, I have shown how to do this.

 

Yes, you are!

Show the kids how to wash their clothes.

Have the kids handle more of their own meals.

Let the kids start going to bed on their own.

 

I fully admit that I tend to do the "I can do it faster and better myself" baloney. While it may be true, all those jobs add up to a ridiculous amount of time and, eventually, resentment. THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT!

 

They get their own cereal, make their own sandwiches, slice cucumbers if I peel them, etc. Nathan scrambles eggs and makes oatmeal.

 

I prefer to do laundry because I don't want clothes ruined by things left in the pockets. No one in my family consistently checks pockets.

 

I I think there is a big difference between telling someone to do something and training someone for the job.

 

I brought Aaron to the kitchen and showed him how to give Annabelle the pill by actually giving it to her. I went over all the steps. Honestly, the men here don't pay much attention when I am talking. Aaron laughs about it sometimes; I don't find it funny.

 

I'd stop caring. If they don't want to make their beds, close the door so you don't have to see. Yeah, that'll make their room smell, but that won't bother you personally if the door is closed. If they don't brush their teeth, their breath will smell and people will say "Ew, get away, your breath stinks!" That will probably inspire them to go brush them. Does it really matter if they are dressed unless you are going out? I remember Mum threatening to take us out in our pajamas if we didn't get dressed in time, and my brother only dawdled that badly once!

 

 

I just cannot handle messy rooms, so it's not an option here. Also, teeth-brushing is a requirement because we pay the dental bills. I don't make the boys get dressed unless we are going somewhere. We all wear loungy clothes to bed -- I have workout pants and a top. So, we often just wear these during the day. I'm fine with that.

 

You've always told them to pick things up or picked it up yourself, so why should they do it?! You need to re-train them! I agree with Rosie--if they leave their stuff out, remind them once. If it's not cleaned up, out it goes, and cannot be retrieved for a month, or for $5 or whatever works best to make them realize you're serious about not leaving things around the house!

 

 

I did start charging Aaron $5.00 if he didn't put dirty clothes in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher. I need to start charging for item retrieval. ;)

 

Well, ahem, sometimes we just can't help it. I have ADD and I forget to pick things up, clean things up, switch out the laundry, etc. ALL THE TIME. :D

 

 

Yes, but he never forgets hair gel. Or anything that benefits him. :glare:

 

Last night, my husband cleaned up after dinner and vacuumed while I was doing lesson plans. He knew I was at the end of my rope. He does that sometimes, but when he is feeling down, he doesn't. No matter how I feel, the work is still there for me. And, yes, I may just be the selfish one. But, I have never had to be reminded to file quarterly reports for our business when they are due. He never has to wonder if I have paid the sales tax on time. These are jobs that were his that I took over to be a helpmeet, and because they were slipping through the cracks. Slowly, though, I have seen that the more I do, the less others do.

 

But, I have been taking mental notes on how to get my children to participate more.

[jazzyfizzle]

Try it. I bet you'll find it requires less gumption than you think. The funny thing about it was dh was hunting about for something, then came to ask me where it was. I replied, "In a plastic bag in the shed, I think." All he said was "Oh, ok. Thanks." :lol: The bag is still there, minus whatever it was he was looking for. If he's happy to keep his belongings in garbage bags in the shed, there's no reason why it should bother me!

 

Rosie

 

 

 

LMAO!!! :lol::lol::lol::lol: That is TOO funny!!

 

I just might give it a try. The look on their faces would be priceless!

[Laura Corin]

 

Last night, my husband cleaned up after dinner and vacuumed while I was doing lesson plans. He knew I was at the end of my rope. He does that sometimes, but when he is feeling down, he doesn't. No matter how I feel, the work is still there for me. And, yes, I may just be the selfish one. But, I have never had to be reminded to file quarterly reports for our business when they are due. He never has to wonder if I have paid the sales tax on time. These are jobs that were his that I took over to be a helpmeet, and because they were slipping through the cracks. Slowly, though, I have seen that the more I do, the less others do.

 

It sounds as if your husband really believes that every task beyond his paid job is not his affair. Forgive me if I am overstating this. The children may be picking up cues from him. I think that fixing this may have to start with your husband: he needs to be doing things regularly around the house, so that the children see and copy. He also needs to be ensuring that your children are obeying and respecting you.

 

Right now, you are responsible for everything and others grudgingly 'help' you. But you already have a full time job - home educating your children. Everything else should be a communal responsibility. They all live in the house and make messes. They all have a responsibility to make the house run. I'm sure that you will continue to do more than your share, but they need to see household tasks as a normal part of their lives, rather than work that should rightly be yours but which you are unfairly foisting on them. Rant over.

 

FWIW, my boys pack and unpack the dishwasher fairly efficiently, hang up and take in washing, sort and distribute clothes, tidy up their own mess, empty the bins in the house and take the big bin out to the road, strip and remake their beds, pick up sticks from the lawn, rake leaves, trim lawn edges, feed and walk the dog, refill the bird feeders, and anything else I ask them to do. They often need reminding but do the tasks with good grace. Husband is right behind me and the boys appreciate the work I put in.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

Edited July 28, 2010 by Laura Corin

[Susan in TX]

Now having gotten a bit more detail of the difficulties this is what I'd do in your case:

 

1. Have a very serious talk with 20yos letting him know in no uncertain terms that he either needs to contribute to the household by doing whatever you ask or start paying rent. Decide what his duties will be, draw up a written agreement, and decide what the consequences will be if agreement is not followed. Inform him that you will no longer be doing his laundry for him, and that you will be happy to show him how to do it.

 

2. Tell your husband that you can no longer do those tasks that were his responsibility that you took over because they weren't getting done.

 

3. Get rid of the cat...sounds to me like it is more trouble than its worth.

 

4. Hire cleaning help.

 

Susan in TX

[Plucky]

I agree that you aren't being respected. I also think you may be a perfectionist. Could you loosen your desire for perfection a little and expect more from your kids? A good talk with dh would work, too. :)

[5LittleMonkeys]

Just throwing a few things out here that have worked for me in the past.

 

There are responsibilities that I have assigned to my children that I have washed my hands of. For example: My oldest is responsible for all of the laundry so if she forgets to do someone's laundry they can go fuss at her, not me, because it is no longer my job. I DO NOT PICK UP THE SLACK IF SHE FALLS BEHIND. She has had to let her sisters borrow her clothes before because she didn't get their laundry done and the ONE time she didn't do daddy's laundry she lost her laptop for a week. She has learned over this past year how to manage it herself through trial and error. Another example: I will inspect my bathroom and the downstairs half-bath after it is cleaned by dd and have, over the past year, had to take her back in and show her specifically the things she didn't do correctly and she then has to re-clean. However, I DO NOT REMIND OR PICK UP THE SLACK IF SHE DOESN'T CLEAN THE KIDS BATHROOM. It's not my job. The other children will complain and chastise her if it is not done. I do go in once a month to make sure we aren't growing things in there and if it isn't clean enough to me I will institute a "bathroom de-funkafying". She does the cleaning though, not me. This has only happened once though because she did not like spending 2 hours scrubbing down the bathroom. Again, over time she learned how to manage this on her own. I now will hear her say to the other dc to pick up their wet towels and to wipe the toothpaste out of the sink because she is the one that has to clean it.:D

 

STOP picking up the slack! If you are like me and have issues with control and perfectionism you will have a very hard time doing this but you will eventually see the benefits of it. Another example: My second oldest is responsible for the kitchen. Once I am finished eating I get up and leave the dining\kitchen area. After 30 minutes I go back in and if something isn't done to my standards I call her back in and have her re-do it. We keep this up until it is done right. Yes, it is time consuming to have to keep going in and checking and yes, it would get done faster if I did it myself, but she wouldn't be learning. You don't do your dc's math problems for them if they didn't finish them or if they got them wrong. No, because they have to learn. It's the same way with training them to take responsibility for the upkeep of the household. It's sometimes exhausting and frustrating but in time they will get it and even if they never get that they should complete their responsibilities to be helpful members of the family they will at least complete them (and properly) to keep you or other family members off their backs.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dawn - What does God want you to do? Does He want you to be upset over and over again? Does he want you to do all these things for your children? Does He want them to learn to be waited on by the females in their lives? Does He want you to serve them cheerfully but to also set appropriate boundaries?

[Crissy]

I also do get tired of feeling like everyone wants me there for them

 

I do understand this feeling, Dawn. Some days I get overwhelmed and hope for a little bit of time when no one needs me.

[Lovedtodeath]

A lot of these posts are :lol: because between health problems, ADD and someone interrupting me constantly, I am so slow at cleaning that just about anyone is faster.

[Rosy]

You have my sympathy. I often feel that my career is to make people do things they don't want to do. Just once I would love to be able to give all 4 of my kids a job and have them say "Sure, Mom!" and run off and do it. So far, DD9 is the only one who does that consistently.

 

You've gotten lots of great advice here, and while it is easy for us to point out areas where corrections can be made, I'm sure we all have times of feeling undervalued. You are not alone.

 

Have you read "Love and Logic"?