How would you handle this?? (clothing likes)

[k2bdeutmeyer]

DD (10yr) tends to really like "punk" styled clothing (bright pink and black, chains, fishnet glove type things, schoolgirl skirts, mohawks, pink/green/purple hair, etc....). I don't like the message this type of clothing tends to convey, and won't buy it for her. I've shared with her my reasoning for that. However, she continues to point those types of outfits out commenting on how "CUTE!" they are.

 

I have to also say that she's probably been exposed to more of the "rough" side of life than I'd really like. Her "dad" (I use that term loosely) comes from a pretty trashy family and unfortunately she's been around more than I'd really like. OUR house is NOTHING like that - unfortunately, I was a 17yr old girl desperate for attention and fell into the WRONG relationship. Anyway......you get the idea. I feel by being exposed to those types of behaviors she has a higher likelihood of finding them "normal" and falling into a similar pattern. I continually talk with her about it, but ultimately she will choose which direction she goes.

 

So.....do you just let it go and assume someday she'll get over it, or switch over when she is able to make clothing decisions herself? Continue to talk with her about it? Am I making this into way more than it is? I just don't ever know what to say when she says "ooooh!! That outfit is cute!".

 

Thanks!

[TravelingChris]

I have to agree with you that that style of clothing creates a bad impression. If she wears this kind of clothing style, look for some families to distance from you. I have known two homeschooled girls who wore this style of clothing. Both had some rebellious behavior going on. I will not ostrasize kids who have this style but my kids naturally shy away from them as do many other more conventential kids. Other rebellious kids are attracted.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Well, I have nothing but boys, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

I'd indulge her tastes as far as possible. There is nothing "wrong" with the bright pink and black combo. I'd look for more classic styles in those colors for her. Same with the school-girl skirts, but I'd draw the line at anything actually suggestive. For me, that would be the fishnet and the chains or super short skirts.

 

Hair is hair. I'd let my boys dye their hair and they have all had mohawks before, but they are all boys and it isn't such a declaration of identity for boys, it seems.

 

In short, I'd give as much as I could and try to not make it a battle.

[secular_mom]

DD (10yr) tends to really like "punk" styled clothing (bright pink and black, chains, fishnet glove type things, schoolgirl skirts, mohawks, pink/green/purple hair, etc....). I don't like the message this type of clothing tends to convey, and won't buy it for her. I've shared with her my reasoning for that. However, she continues to point those types of outfits out commenting on how "CUTE!" they are.

 

I have to also say that she's probably been exposed to more of the "rough" side of life than I'd really like. Her "dad" (I use that term loosely) comes from a pretty trashy family and unfortunately she's been around more than I'd really like. OUR house is NOTHING like that - unfortunately, I was a 17yr old girl desperate for attention and fell into the WRONG relationship. Anyway......you get the idea. I feel by being exposed to those types of behaviors she has a higher likelihood of finding them "normal" and falling into a similar pattern. I continually talk with her about it, but ultimately she will choose which direction she goes.

 

So.....do you just let it go and assume someday she'll get over it, or switch over when she is able to make clothing decisions herself? Continue to talk with her about it? Am I making this into way more than it is? I just don't ever know what to say when she says "ooooh!! That outfit is cute!".

 

Thanks!

Dressing 'differently' is not 'bad, but it definitely can be a way to find out who your REAL friends are ;)

If someone wouldn't want to hang out with me because I dyed my hair a 'non-traditional' color, then *I* would not want to hang out with them anyway- that's just not cool and it's really shallow.

 

I find it is much better to let kids experiment with their looks while they live at home, you can say NO to mini-skirts w/out leggings and such, but is it really hurting anyone to let her have a couple of outfits that she likes and picks out herself? Do you judge people by their looks? If so, then I'd encourage you to work on that first. :001_smile:

 

Maybe find something you could compromise on- funky color 'highlights' might be something you'd find acceptable, for instance. Maybe some gloves she likes, with a less 'punk' leather jacket/vest. I'd work on finding that compromise where my dd wouldn't feel the need to rebel against my rules (make my rules reasonable, not disallow clothing just because *I* don't like it) and NOT dis her father and his family/friends in front of her.

 

You don't really have to say ANYthing when she says 'oooh, that is so cute!'- she's just making a statement. You could say that you do/don't like it, or ask her what she wants you to say. :D

 

I'd really focus on refraining from calling the father of my child 'trashy' in ANY way at ANY time in ANY company- and you did choose to have a child with him so a bit less judgment would be very helpful for your daughter.

[fairfarmhand]

Ask her what it is she likes about that...it may be that she just LOVES bright colors. Then I'd find a few items that you can tolerate. If you don't like the message that some styles send, (anything too short or suggestive) you should be able to discuss that with her. She needs to know that there are concrete reasons for not dressing in particular ways not just that mom has different style tastes than she does.

[tofuscramble]

I would let her express herself with clothing and styles but would not allow her to dress provocatively.

[ChristusG]

I'd sit down and have a heart to heart with her. And like someone else said, I'd indulge her just a bit. There's nothing bad about some aspects of punk clothing. However, there are lots of punk clothing that are very suggestive and trashy looking. I'd explaing that part of it to her. If she likes the pink/black, maybe the two of you can go to the store and pick out something that's appropriate yet still punk. I know that may be difficult to find, but I'm sure something has to be out there.

 

This is the route I'd take with my daughters....we are conservative Christians and I don't allow anything "grown up" looking on my daughters or anything suggestive (not even halter tops and bikinis for little girls).

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I've never bad mouthed her father in front of her....ever. However, he is what he is. He's been an on again, off again drug addict, a high school drop out, and a lazy parent. I've never received more than $50/month from him in child support and he'd rather attend a concert or house party than take her on his weekends. His 14yr old son (from a relationship before me) smokes and steals and he just laughs - "kids will be kids". I could go on and on. I may have "chosen" to have a child with him, but I was 17 and never intended for things to turn out that way. Chalk it up to being a naive teenager who was desperate for male attention and acceptance.

 

 

 

**disclaimer on the following statements: the wording on this may not be ideal...I'm having a hard time expressing what I'd like to say**

 

As far as judging based on appearance. I agree...it's not right, however, unfortunately it IS a fact of life. People judge. And certain appearances do tend to attract a corresponding type of person. I want all my children to be aware of the message they are sending by their appearance. I am not a name brand only type person, or even snobbish, however I would like my children to present themselves a little more conseratively.

 

In no way did I intend this to sound like all people who dress in a "punk" style are trashy or rebellious, however I do believe, in general, society will see that type of clothing and think of that type of behavior.

 

Ugh, I'm not sure any of this is coming out right....

[MeaganS]

My little 14 year old sister likes that stuff, and my mom just doesn't make a big deal about it. It's very fashionable now among that age group and doesn't necessarily mean that they are being rebellious. I know for a fact that it doesn't in my sister's case. I agree with the person who said let her, just draw the line at anything actually inappropriate (to tight, short, revealing, etc.). We figure for my sister that it will be a phase that will last a year or two and then it won't be cool anymore. By not making a big deal about it, my mom has successfully made it not an act of rebellion (rebelling against who?). No piercings or tattoos or anything, but a little bit of pink cammo and chains never hurt anyone.

 

Oh, on a side note, she doesn't let her wear it to church or anywhere that it would be disrespectful, and she's cool with that.

 

But do what you need to do. I think it's completely ok for you as a mother to say no, and your reasons are sound enough to me. I wouldn't say you're being a bad parent for not letting her, but I don't think you'd necessarily be a bad parent if you did let her. Just go with your gut.

[secular_mom]

 

In no way did I intend this to sound like all people who dress in a "punk" style are trashy or rebellious, however I do believe, in general, society will see that type of clothing and think of that type of behavior.

 

Ugh, I'm not sure any of this is coming out right....

 

 

I agree that people will make judgments based on others appearance. That is why I think it is better to let them experiment in the safety of their home, with some guidelines from their parents, instead of just saying "NO WAY!" and then having them go into overkill as soon as they leave home and have freedom. Give her a taste of freedom now, but set the limits you are comfortable with.

My daughter likes to put on outrageous make-up and take pics of herself then takes the make up off. :)

[elfgivas]

well, this may not be popular, but.....

 

what they wear changes how people relate to them, and the friends they will have. theoretically, that's awful. but it is the current american reality. we send a message by how we behave and by what we wear.

 

so i put clothing under the "guiding of our children" category. we do it by establishing criteria. we are frugal, modest, cheerful, fun, fit, outdoorsy, artsy, competent, geeky, kind, thoughtful, bright, stylish, helpful people (the younger two dds current chosen list - they are 10 and 12). then we measure clothes against that message. currently, there are lots of bright colors, most of which have been purchased on ebay, stylish yet comfortable clothes. i have short listed most of the things, and then they have chosen from the short list. occasionally, we browse together and make a short list. very rarely, i veto something, giving clear but simple reasons.

 

the older two, in their 20s, continue to love clothes and make fabulous choices (albeit not necessarily the ones i would choose). they think it worked well for them.

 

so i'd veto giving completely free choice and encourage giving choice within certain guidelines.

 

good luck.... for me, its been worth the work...

ann

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Ann....you said that much better than I, but you described exactly my take on it!

[WarriorMama]

DD (10yr) tends to really like "punk" styled clothing (bright pink and black, chains, fishnet glove type things, schoolgirl skirts, mohawks, pink/green/purple hair, etc....). I don't like the message this type of clothing tends to convey, and won't buy it for her. I've shared with her my reasoning for that. However, she continues to point those types of outfits out commenting on how "CUTE!" they are.

 

I have to also say that she's probably been exposed to more of the "rough" side of life than I'd really like. Her "dad" (I use that term loosely) comes from a pretty trashy family and unfortunately she's been around more than I'd really like. OUR house is NOTHING like that - unfortunately, I was a 17yr old girl desperate for attention and fell into the WRONG relationship. Anyway......you get the idea. I feel by being exposed to those types of behaviors she has a higher likelihood of finding them "normal" and falling into a similar pattern. I continually talk with her about it, but ultimately she will choose which direction she goes.

 

So.....do you just let it go and assume someday she'll get over it, or switch over when she is able to make clothing decisions herself? Continue to talk with her about it? Am I making this into way more than it is? I just don't ever know what to say when she says "ooooh!! That outfit is cute!".

 

Thanks!

 

I speak as an individual who once bought her 6-year-old an Alice Cooper t-shirt and a fedora covered in skulls, so I may not be someone whose opinion you're looking for. :tongue_smilie:

 

But since you asked for opinions, here's mine: compromise. It's certainly true that people judge based on appearances - that's why my wardrobe looks a lot different than it did when I was in high school and didn't care what anybody thought about me. ;)

 

But there's nothing wrong with having elements of a style she likes in her wardrobe, if you're advising and making sure it's appropriate. Let her wear fishnet gloves to spice up a more ordinary outfit. Or a school-girl skirt that's not too short, with something under it. Make sure she has bright colours or the colour combinations she likes, in clothing you don't disapprove of. Go really crazy and let her use a temporary wash-out dye in her hair one day for fun. It doesn't have to be a black-and-white issue. Pick a shade of gray!

 

I think it's important to let kids develop their own styles and a sense of individuality, while helping them understand when and where certain things are appropriate (or not). If you work WITH her on these types of things you can hopefully find a happy medium, and better yet she'll learn how to dress with her own style but keep it classy. Without that guidance she'll just get old enough to buy her own clothes, and you'll have missed your opportunity to help her make good choices.

 

That's my theory, at least! I'm still in the trenches, so who knows how it'll all pan out? :D

[WarriorMama]

I agree that people will make judgments based on others appearance. That is why I think it is better to let them experiment in the safety of their home, with some guidelines from their parents, instead of just saying "NO WAY!" and then having them go into overkill as soon as they leave home and have freedom. Give her a taste of freedom now, but set the limits you are comfortable with.

My daughter likes to put on outrageous make-up and take pics of herself then takes the make up off. :)

 

I should have read all the wa through first, because you said what I wanted to better (and more succinctly, lol).

[TXMomof4]

my dd 8 had decided she liked the punk look. So I said go for it. I buy her cute t-shirts with skulls, frilly skirts with leggings, boots, etc. It isn't nearly so attractive to her when mom is the one suggesting something crazy. It lasted maybe 4 months before I'd point something out to her and she'd choose something way cuter and more appropriate. I really think half of the attraction was to get a rise out of me and it didn't work.

[SilverMoon]

I agree that people will make judgments based on others appearance. That is why I think it is better to let them experiment in the safety of their home, with some guidelines from their parents, instead of just saying "NO WAY!" and then having them go into overkill as soon as they leave home and have freedom. Give her a taste of freedom now, but set the limits you are comfortable with.

 

:iagree:That's been our method too. My oldest likes punk styles. So long as he is neat and presentable he can have all the skulls on he wants. *shrug* He doesn't go overboard though, and has no desire to. I attribute that to letting him "test the waters" on his own accord.

[Mom2J112903]

I haven't read all of the replies, so forgive me if this has been stated already.

 

I would *never* allow my child to dress like that. Nor will I allow my son to wear his pants below his bottom, pants that are so baggy you can not see his shoes, shirts with explicts on them. I would never allow my daughter to wear shorts so short there is not much left to the imagination either.

 

You can wear what you want to in the house, but when you go out of *my* house, you will wear something respectable. For *our* son that is khaki shorts, sometimes jean shorts, usually a 3-button polo shirt and every so often a t-shirt. The t-shirts he has are very tasteful and no screen printing of movies/characters. He ADORES his collegiete wear :D

[Kim in Appalachia]

Your dd is only 10. If you are fighting over clothing now, it's only going to get worse. Compounding the problem is she can go to her dad or his family and probably get what she wants, especially when she gets older.

 

You need to get her on your side when it comes to how to dress and lifestyle choices, so you are going to need to work with her, not against her.

 

You can find nice "punk" type clothing everywhere, so try and have fun with it. Just work on setting some ground rule, like nothing immodest. Apart from that at 10 she can have fun experimenting with style. Maybe do a little pink in her hair. You can buy fake pink hair to clip on braid into hers. It can look cute, even nice.

 

One thing that has been good for both my girls is the show What Not to Wear , They do a pretty decent job of helping someone keep their style but with appropriate clothing. If you have cable you may want to have that show on once in a while.

 

I have 2 girls, both with very different styles and body types. We are what would be considered conservative Christians, but that doesn't mean we have super strict rules about what to wear. We teach guidelines, and help the girls stay within those, but with their own flair.

[Carrie12345]

I speak as an individual who once bought her 6-year-old an Alice Cooper t-shirt and a fedora covered in skulls, so I may not be someone whose opinion you're looking for. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

I've made ds skull and roses diapers which were worn with his vast collection of punk/rock t-shirts. :lol:

 

For the most part, my kids wear what they want. In my older ds's case, that often means full baseball uniforms, kiddie-character clothes, or pants hiked up mid-torso with ankles hanging out on the bottom. And it does make me cringe. And his peers, along with plenty of other people, judge him. And he knows it. But he's determined to wear what he likes and flaunt it.

 

As much as I hate his choices, I'm proud of his determination to stick by what HE likes, regardless of other people's opinions. I think he's going to make a great grown up!

[LibraryLover]

Where is a 10 yr old hser going without her mom? lol People might judge her...but then they glance at the conservative looking mom standing besider her and think "Oh, she has a kid who likes to dress herself." I would absolutely let her get some items you can stand and she loves. ( Savers). Don't let her be thinking this is a way to get to you-- it will only get worse. Embrace her, help her wear what she wants that isn't showing her bottom, and doesn't include wearing a bra as a shirt, and minimize the conflict. Fish net gloves on a 10 yr old? WHo cares? Really? People do? A little 10 yr old in a hot pink boa and a black shirt only says to me "Kid dresses herself. Will grow up to be artist". ;)

Edited July 16, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Shawna in Texas]

Meh. DD is allowed to dress any way she wants as long as she doesn't look like a street walker. She has blue hair. Last time we went to Target the kids clothing was full of punk and she was so mad because they didn't have that stuff when she was younger. She's too big for it now.

 

She gets a few looks sometimes, but that's mostly when she carries the baby around. She hasn't lost any friends and my 86 year old grandfather thinks she looks smashing.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I wanted to also clarify that this doesn't typically turn into a fight....usually. Once in awhile she'll beg for something (clothing) at the store and I'll say "no" and THAT will turn into a meltdown. She 100% dresses herself everyday though.....and is typically pretty happy with what she picks out. I appreciate all the advice....really, I do. I actually think she understands my reasoning for not liking that style, which is why she doesn't argue, but she still REALLY thinks it's cute. I'm going to do a little work on my end to find a middle ground.

[Wheres Toto]

Dressing 'differently' is not 'bad, but it definitely can be a way to find out who your REAL friends are ;)

If someone wouldn't want to hang out with me because I dyed my hair a 'non-traditional' color, then *I* would not want to hang out with them anyway- that's just not cool and it's really shallow.

 

I find it is much better to let kids experiment with their looks while they live at home, you can say NO to mini-skirts w/out leggings and such, but is it really hurting anyone to let her have a couple of outfits that she likes and picks out herself? Do you judge people by their looks? If so, then I'd encourage you to work on that first. :001_smile:

 

Maybe find something you could compromise on- funky color 'highlights' might be something you'd find acceptable, for instance. Maybe some gloves she likes, with a less 'punk' leather jacket/vest. I'd work on finding that compromise where my dd wouldn't feel the need to rebel against my rules (make my rules reasonable, not disallow clothing just because *I* don't like it) and NOT dis her father and his family/friends in front of her.

 

You don't really have to say ANYthing when she says 'oooh, that is so cute!'- she's just making a statement. You could say that you do/don't like it, or ask her what she wants you to say. :D

 

I'd really focus on refraining from calling the father of my child 'trashy' in ANY way at ANY time in ANY company- and you did choose to have a child with him so a bit less judgment would be very helpful for your daughter.

:iagree:

She's still young. Getting her used to compromises on what she wants toned down to be acceptable to you is a good habit to get into before she is a teenager. When she gets older if she feels you never give her the change to develop her own tastes and styles, you may have a full scale rebellion on your hands.

[elegantlion]

I'm in the compromise camp. I went to high school in the early 80s. I dressed quasi punk. It was a conscious social experiment on my part, I did find out who my friends were. To their credit the friends who stuck around are still my friends 25 years later. The ones who stepped back, well now they're my facebook friends. :tongue_smilie:

 

People may judge based upon what we wear, but wanting to step outside of the "uniform" of standard does not make one trashy. I thought of Abby from NCIS when I read your post. Yes, she's a character on TV, but there are plenty of people in this world who dress to their own drummer, for lack of a better term, and still are intelligent and articulate.

 

At age ten, I'd let her have some say. As others have pointed out it can be done tastefully and cute.

[Desert Rat]

I was a punk rock girl. It infuriated me that my parents weren't outwardly disapproving! Ha! I even overheard my mom defending me to an old biddy at church one time. It changed our relationship for the better. Eventually, I grew out of it and moved on, although I still harbor a bit of that punk rock attitude, still have 7 holes in my ears, and do wear all black from time to time.

I just want to say that my parents handled the situation perfectly. I knew it upset them (which is, in part, why I did it) but they showed no fear and that phase passed.

I would be very hesitant to start a battle over clothes, unless those clothes are trampy, with a 10 year old. Start fighting now, it'll be hard to stop.

With that said, I have boys so I don't know exactly what the OP feels. However, my boys have had hair to the middle of their backs, mohawks, fringes, shaved heads.....To me, youth is the time to experiment safely. I've had too many friends who were very restricted in the youth go crazy at 18-tattoos in obvious places, multiple facial piercings-the stuff that's not easily fixed by buying a new outfit.

[WarriorMama]

I've made ds skull and roses diapers which were worn with his vast collection of punk/rock t-shirts. :lol:

 

For the most part, my kids wear what they want. In my older ds's case, that often means full baseball uniforms, kiddie-character clothes, or pants hiked up mid-torso with ankles hanging out on the bottom. And it does make me cringe. And his peers, along with plenty of other people, judge him. And he knows it. But he's determined to wear what he likes and flaunt it.

 

As much as I hate his choices, I'm proud of his determination to stick by what HE likes, regardless of other people's opinions. I think he's going to make a great grown up!

 

Sounds cute! I keep thinking I should bite the bullet and make some diapers for our next baby (due in Feb), so I can have them as crazy as I like, with whatever fabric catches my fancy. I'm just not sure I can bring myself to battle the sewing machine (because it's ALWAYS a battle) on top of homeschooling and toddler chasing. :tongue_smilie:

 

You know, I think I'd worry more about a kid who was focused on looking just like everybody else all the time than one who wanted to do something different and dress a little crazy. I'd rather an eccentric than one who's afraid to go their own way and be different. He sounds like he'll make an awesome grown-up to me too!

[katemary63]

Well, I have nothing but boys, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

I'd indulge her tastes as far as possible. There is nothing "wrong" with the bright pink and black combo. I'd look for more classic styles in those colors for her. Same with the school-girl skirts, but I'd draw the line at anything actually suggestive. For me, that would be the fishnet and the chains or super short skirts.

 

Hair is hair. I'd let my boys dye their hair and they have all had mohawks before, but they are all boys and it isn't such a declaration of identity for boys, it seems.

 

In short, I'd give as much as I could and try to not make it a battle.

 

:iagree:Totally

[zaichiki]

If I'm buying the outfit/paying for the clothes I get to choose.

 

When she's older and can buy these things for herself... ??? I'm not sure yet. My oldest is 11 and we haven't hit this particular bridge.

 

Good luck!

[sarawatsonim]

I speak as an individual who once bought her 6-year-old an Alice Cooper t-shirt and a fedora covered in skulls, so I may not be someone whose opinion you're looking for. :tongue_smilie:

 

But since you asked for opinions, here's mine: compromise. It's certainly true that people judge based on appearances - that's why my wardrobe looks a lot different than it did when I was in high school and didn't care what anybody thought about me. ;)

 

But there's nothing wrong with having elements of a style she likes in her wardrobe, if you're advising and making sure it's appropriate. Let her wear fishnet gloves to spice up a more ordinary outfit. Or a school-girl skirt that's not too short, with something under it. Make sure she has bright colours or the colour combinations she likes, in clothing you don't disapprove of. Go really crazy and let her use a temporary wash-out dye in her hair one day for fun. It doesn't have to be a black-and-white issue. Pick a shade of gray!

 

I think it's important to let kids develop their own styles and a sense of individuality, while helping them understand when and where certain things are appropriate (or not). If you work WITH her on these types of things you can hopefully find a happy medium, and better yet she'll learn how to dress with her own style but keep it classy. Without that guidance she'll just get old enough to buy her own clothes, and you'll have missed your opportunity to help her make good choices.

 

That's my theory, at least! I'm still in the trenches, so who knows how it'll all pan out? :D

 

 

I agree with you on this. My dd loves to wear her KISS/ and other band t-shirts, ripped jeans, a newsboy cap and chuck taylors. I think "punk" clothes can be done in a way that the wearer looks fantastic and stylish. Even just a punkish accessory added to a more basic outfit may change the look enough to satisfy her. When you go shopping together you can compromise. Let her try on what she likes, what you like and what you both like and see if you can come to a mutual agreement on things. My parents always let me choose my own clothes through my many identity changes. I'm sure they would have drawn the line at inappropriate, revealing clothing but I never did. I am thankful for that level of trust and independence they gave me to allow me to figure out how I felt comfortable.

[skywards]

Don't worry, I think its just one of the current trends right now. I went through the punk phase too, and I turned out fine. It just left me with a liking for scandinavian folk metal and occasional green highlights :tongue_smilie:.

[TheTwinsMom1]

Another compromise family here. I have a punk girlie. I find lots of very nice punkish clothing at The Childrens place. My daughter has a really cute pink, and pastel colored skull shirt that is long and and is still very much punk. You can find ways to look punkish while still having yourself covered.

[Debbie in OR]

We have established a "We both have to like it" rule. This may actually include some of the stuff she likes...you might be surprised. But, as long as our dc are in our house, it's still our rules. Applying this rule has relieved the burden from both my dd and I to maintain authority (and she's only 9...sheesh!) and shopping is so much more pleasant now.

[JoyfulMama]

I actually think she understands my reasoning for not liking that style, which is why she doesn't argue, but she still REALLY thinks it's cute. I'm going to do a little work on my end to find a middle ground.

 

I think it's really hard for us as parents to step back and let our kids do something that we fear will have negative consequences for them. Yet often times some lessons are best learned first-hand. Will people REALLY treat her differently? It's a social experiment I'd let her try, but not without veto power on details. (We have eliminated outfits purchased by grandparents from her wardrobe due to inappropriateness.)

My dd wishes that I wasn't so comfortable in my own skin sometimes - that I don't mind if someone else thinks I am weird or ______. Yet I have standards for some level of modesty. Would I put purple streaks in my hair? I might - but not if I had to go to a job every day. It probably wouldn't look as nice with a suit. ;)

[Mergath]

I'm in the "let her dress how she wants as long as she doesn't look like a prostitute" camp. It can be so hard for kids now to forge their own identity, and letting them choose their own appearance is such a minor thing, in the big picture. But it's one step towards becoming a strong person that is able to say this is what I like, this is what I believe, and I'm not going to change who I am just because someone else thinks I should.

[Joker]

Compromise! I have a 10 yr dd who likes crazy clothes. At first I balked quite a bit, but now even I think its kind of cool.:tongue_smilie: Her latest thing is wearing two different colored Chuck's with everything. She gets compliments on her outfits almost everywhere we go, so that leads her to want to do it more. She has one weird hat she likes to wear with one glove on her arm and her crazy shoes. I actually really like that she just doesn't care what others are thinking about her. I wish I could have been more like her when I was her age. We have talked about how others might perceive you and how there are times when that attire is just not ok. She understands but we've decided to just let her be herself as long as she's not hurting anyone. I also think she will change what she likes so many times between now and adulthood that its just not worth fighting over.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

It's interesting that many of you have mentioned not caring what other people think of her, because she TOTALLY cares. To the point where we've had to have MANY discussions about whether "friends" who ask you to change who you are and require you to do things THEIR way are really friends at all. She's gotten herself in some trouble when she was at public school by trying to make herself "cool" to be a part of a certain group. I still catch her going into "show off" mode and becoming obnoxious and rude when around kids she preceives she needs to impress.

[Haiku]

As long as she is not showing inappropriate amounts of skin, I would let it go. I was into skater clothing (and I actually was a skater) when I was in middle school/early high school. There was nothing inappropriate about my clothing, it just wasn't my mom's style, and she rode my proverbial @$$ about it constantly. It really damaged our relationship, and it took a long time to repair. Your dd likes what she likes and, like I said, as long as she's not showing too much skin, I would put my own personal tastes aside and support her as she tries to figure out her own style.

 

Oh, and btw ... I don't know anything about your dd's father, but try not to make this out as a way to blame him. I honestly doubt your dd's fashion choices have anything to do with him. I grew up in an upper middle class family who lived in the country, and my parents were married, and I still chose skater clothing.

 

Tara

Edited July 17, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Oh...I don't blame him. It was more of a little background that feeds into my fears. The road to his lifestyle can be such a slippery slope.

[beccad777]

I agree with the pp who said that she sees kids in strange combos and just thinks that they dressed themselves. I pretty much let my kids dress themselves. As long as they are modest, I don't care. I used to care, but I have found that it is a losing battle.

 

That said, I buy their clothes, so what they have to choose from is not inappropriate. However, they can put it together any way they wish. Good luck! I hope you can find some middle ground!

[lvbnhome]

"I agree that people will make judgments based on others appearance. That is why I think it is better to let them experiment in the safety of their home, with some guidelines from their parents, instead of just saying "NO WAY!" and then having them go into overkill as soon as they leave home and have freedom. Give her a taste of freedom now, but set the limits you are comfortable with."

 

I have to agree with this...but after reading and rereading your posts, I do see (and can relate, because I was like this with my first two girls) your mentioning your fears quite often. That is good...to acknowledge our fears about our children. Sometimes it helps us acknowledge and think through those things, and brings them to the surface for us moms:)

 

One sage word, is to make sure that we are not parenting, and making decisions for our children out of our fears for them, but based upon helping and guiding them to make great decisions. That we are equipping them.

That would mean keeping the main thing the main thing. Yes, people are going to judge them, and they need to be told that. People will treat them in a different way, if they do the punk style thing. Are they willing to accept that? And I would ask her those words, "are you willing to accept that."

 

 

Both my daughters went thru some weird style times, choosing things that were actually embarassing to see them where, but you know what? They outgrew it. They make really good choices..and do you know what it gave them? Confidence. They now know that they don't like certain styles, because they didn't like peoples response to them.

 

One of my daughters bought a t-shirt that said "Blondes have more fun"...I HATED that shirt...and i told her i abosolutely hated it..and have never purchased shirts with words on them...I'm weird about that kind of thing...and do you know what convinced her not to wear it? When a man make a comment to her (a weirdo, at the grocery store)...told her twice..."I like your shirt"...

She came an told me at the checkout line... and I said (in a calm way)

"Honey,,,, Remember, when you wear a t-shirt that says something, you are making a statement, and asking other people to respond to you, and it will always cause a response." Guess where the t-shirt is now...in the trash can. SHE had to learn the lesson, but I was able to contribute, and she didn't get hurt in the process...but learned something that stayed with her, gave her confidence to make other choices, and some w...i...s..d..o..m:)

 

I have found and seen that if you do not Let them make some choices, and restrict them in these gray areas...then they will wrap their identity around their rebellion...and not around their true essential self..needed for their future. :)

Also, one more thing. Are you more concerned about what people will think about YOU, as their mother, if you were to be really honest with yourself, than about her? I do not ask this for judging purposes, but only because I know that we can sometimes do that as mothers.

We have 1 child who was constantly "losing" his shoes. It was the hardest thing for me, to let him go to church without shoes on, because he could not find them before church, again. People came up and made comments. It was hard, because instead of them judging him, I knew I was being judged as a woman, wife, and mother.....but Do you know how many times he did that? ONCE! He hasn't lost any more shoes...and yes, we had previously made him pay for them, but it wasn't until that episode that it really sunk in....Now, we all laugh about it. And he asks himself..."what was i thinking?"...and we just say...that's just part of the fun of growing up.

 

Hope you enjoy these stages of them "trying on" different things...they really are just trying to figure out who they are. We cannot tell them everything...and yes, they do have to experience that.

But....aren't we so blessed to have them in our home, so we do get to be a voice in the guiding? ...Remember, they will remember your attitude about way more than what you said...and when they do go thru these stages...it gives you so much to laugh about later...and then they have compassion and empath for other kids going thru those stages:)

Many hugs from a mom of 4 who didn't do everything perfect...but sure enjoys the journey :)

Lacy:grouphug:

[asta]

I'm in the "let her dress how she wants as long as she doesn't look like a prostitute" camp. It can be so hard for kids now to forge their own identity, and letting them choose their own appearance is such a minor thing, in the big picture. But it's one step towards becoming a strong person that is able to say this is what I like, this is what I believe, and I'm not going to change who I am just because someone else thinks I should.

 

One of my forever girlfriends, upon getting another tat, had her dad (a real ZZ Top looking guy) all concerned about potential marriage prospects. To which she replied: "Dad, would you want me to marry someone so shallow that they only judged me/saw me as a tattoo?"

 

(ok - that was a serious sidestep, but I think you understand what I mean)

 

 

Meh. DD is allowed to dress any way she wants as long as she doesn't look like a street walker. She has blue hair.

 

 

Again - my mom was all "are your shorts higher than 2 inches above your knees? No? Ok. Are you wearing tights with that skirt? Ok. No tank tops. Don't set the bathroom on fire when you're teasing your hair out a la B-52s. We have weak ankles in this family: boots are better than heels. Be home by eleven."

 

My own son can't believe his eyes when he sees the pix of my outfits from "back then". Everything was covered, it was just interestingly covered.

 

Now I prefer Brooks Brothers.

 

:: shrug ::

 

 

asta

[elfgivas]

i had an interesting discussion yesterday with our younger dc. i said a mom had asked about appropriate clothing and what approach to take, and both girls instantly said "have her start reading something with a positive female role model". "huh?" said their articulate mother...

 

and then they went on to explain that when most of their friends start to dress "punk" it is usually because that's the group they want to be part of, and so the important thing is to see what aspect of that is so attractive... and if its a healthy "wanting to be an individual" or if it is something not so healthy. around here punk is not harmless (north of los angeles, we have more gang action going than one can possibly imagine)

 

both girls concluded by adding "its almost never about the clothes".

 

so fwiw.... i ended up thinking i had missed the boat entirely focusing on the clothes and not the underlying cause.

 

and thank you for an eye opening discussion with my own dds!

ann

[MorganClassicalPrep]

eh. My standards are that everything is covered (no short shorts, nothing too tight, nothing with inappropriate sayings, and no belly baring), she's free to pick out what she wants. I don't think that wearing "punk" clothing necessarily indicates anything except that you like that style of clothing. And I'm not sure what the situation with her father really has to do with what she wants to wear..

 

Then again... I've dressed my 4 year old in "punk" clothing, and occasionally wear some myself.

[RoughCollie]

When my DD was that age, I let her choose her wardrobe from a few online stores whose clothing was not provocative: Lands End, Hanna Andersson, and LL Bean. She rarely went to a department store because I wanted to avoid arguments. Her wardrobe consisted of high quality, attractive clothing.

 

When she was 11, DH took her to a department store in a mall. I told him the clothing rules (entitled "Make sure DD doesn't look like she dances on tables for a living"). DD came home with an outfit that included a leopard print mini skirt and was made from cheap material ... the outfit was provocative and inappropriate. She never wore it in public.

 

She has been choosing her own clothing at stores (she rarely shops online) for several years, and I have never had a problem with her choices. It probably helps that she shops at the same stores all the teens seem to prefer, and that she knows beyond a doubt which styles fall into the dancing on tables category.

 

She is more conservative than I am -- I find all sorts of neat, funky outfits in stores that cater to teens that she will not even try on. She knows she cannot wear short-shorts, tops that show her stomach, or low cut tops unless they are layered with one that covers her appropriately.