Would this make you mad?

[Joker]

My dh and I had our wedding one year after we were officially married. We didn't tell anyone we were married earlier. It was awesome. A small chapel in CA, just the two of us and we were able to say all we wanted to say. We didn't live near our families at the time (dh was in the Marines) so they don't know we were already living together. As we are getting older (and our dds) we wonder if we should tell our family that our anniversary is actually a year before the wedding. I don't regret it at all because my dad walked me down the aisle and less than a year later he was dead. I am glad I still went through with the actual wedding so I could have that moment. My question is how upset, if at all, would you be to find out your dc was actually married before the wedding? It has been twelve years now but I still feel nervous about telling family (my mom). I feel like such a little girl where this is concerned and would love opinions from others. (I am assuming since I am nervous about it that it means my family would be upset.)

[FO4UR]

I would maybe wait until your dc asked or needed to know. And then, it might be better to be something kept between your little family and not extended family.

 

I would have a hard time telling *my* mom something like that....and I don't even think she would care about the eloping part...it's the 12yr secret that would hurt. Given that, maybe my previous "I would..." is a bad idea???

[Tap]

I don't get my feelings hurt easily. I wouldn't care one bit. I would think it great that you kept the secret so long AND still went through with the traditional ceremony.

[Truscifi]

My mom would not handle that well.

 

Having said that. I don't know if it would be better to continue to keep the secret or come clean now and try to explain the reasoning.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mom would have a very hard time with not knowing for so long. I would just leave it.

[myfunnybunch]

It wouldn't make me mad in the least. My mother wouldn't care. We're both the kind of people who would be delighted that you're happily married and think it's an interesting story. Any upset would be temporary.

 

That said, you know your mother best, so you're the best judge of whether or not to tell. It sounds to me like it's weighing on you some, so it might be best to tell and weather the storm, unless you think your mother would feel so hurt that she'd never recover.

 

Cat

[m0mmaBuck]

I am in a strikingly similar situation. DH and I eloped in '97. We had the formal dog-and-pony show 2 yrs later, almost to the day. We have never told our families. So we have been married 13 or 11 years, depending on who you talk to. And our anniversary is Sept 12 or Sept 11, depending on who you talk to. As far as we are concerned, we are just going to keep it as our little secret. At this point in our lives it's not worth stirring up any drama. They would probably all take it very well but it's not worth risking upsetting anyone.

[Corraleno]

:iagree: with not stirring up drama. The difference between having kept the secret for 12 years....or 15 years....or 20 years, or whatever, is minimal, so I don't see any harm in just keeping quiet. If it does get out somehow in the future, it won't be any worse than it would be if you told now, and there's a chance it will never come up and no one's feelings will be hurt. Let sleeping dogs lie....

 

Jackie

[jkwynn]

I like to think I wouldn't be mad if my son did that. :)

 

However, if I was the one who did it, I'd never tell anyone. I kind of like the idea of having a secret like that just between us. I think it's kind of romantic. <3

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

Yes, it would hurt my feelings. The way I see it is that telling has the potential to hurt people but keeping the information to yourself really hurts no one. I wouldn't tell. I think this falls into the category of "what you don't know won't hurt you."

Edited July 6, 2010 by Alte Veste Academy

[Gooblink]

Good heavens, this would be something my mom and I would laugh over. You should hear the things I've confessed to her since I've been grown. Well, no, you shouldn't, actually.

 

Anyway...if you don't think she can handle the truth, leave it. Wait until your kids are grown and you'll have a fun story to tell them. :)

[Heather in Neverland]

My mom would freak out but that may be because I am the only girl and she is a bit of a control freak. I wouldn't bring it up unless it was totally necessary.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I wouldn't tell my mom. Then again, with my mom it would be an all out issue and I'd hear for years and YEARS about how I kept it from her. I'm still hearing about things I did when I was 15, (I'm about to turn 25!) and not in a joking manner. :glare:

 

So it depends on how you think it would be recieved. There are certain things that I keep from my family, because it is just easier for them. It creates no strain on me, and it doesn't hurt them in the least not to know, but it WOULD hurt them if they did know.

[momuv4girls]

That is a hard one. I think I would be hurt and feel very betrayed... but if it ever comes out then I would anyway.. I don't know... HARD one..:001_huh:

[Mom0012]

I wouldn't tell because I think a secret kept so long could lead to hurt feelings, especially if you are close.

 

Lisa

[Word Nerd]

We eloped and had a real ceremony later, but we didn't keep it a secret. I don't see the point in telling now if you've kept quiet for so long.

[jld]

I'm imagining my dd coming to me and telling me this. I think I would ask myself (and her) why she hadn't felt comfortable telling me before, and what I could do to make her feel more comfortable in the future. I hope I would apologize to her for anything I may have said or done that made her feel she couldn't be completely honest with me in the first place. And then I would tell her I am just so happy she had a very, very special day with the most important person in her life -- her dh.:)

[abbeyej]

I think you should wait. I see no reason to tell your families at all at this point, and you can tell your daughters later on, when they're closer to marriage age themselves.

[Pippen]

I'd keep quiet. There's nothing to be gained from telling parents at this time. If my older kids directly confronted it I'd be truthful but ask them to respect not upsetting grandparents with the information.

[SproutMamaK]

It all depends on your family. In my family, they'd be more hurt by the fact that I'd not told them before than by the fact that I'd eloped, and while they'd be hurt, they'd also (after a few days, lol) be grateful that I finally told them. It really all depends on their personalities and priorities.

[NanceXToo]

My kids are young. But if one of them got married and didn't tell me about it for a year, I would be pretty disappointed, I would think.

 

By the time 12 years went by, would I still be? Who knows, it's hard to know without being in the situation. I mean, I wouldn't cause drama over it I don't think, but might I be quietly hurt over it? Certainly possible.

 

I agree with whoever said there's no need to stir up old drama. Just let things be.

[fivetails]

Good heavens, this would be something my mom and I would laugh over.

 

Same here.

 

..and I wouldn't be mad if it was one of my own kids either.

[Mommyof4ks]

:iagree: it depends on your family. My family would laugh after 12 years, getting to know dh and enjoying the kids, but not every family would feel that way.

[jenn-]

I vote start a genealogy chart/history and put your correct date in there. Most programs have the ability to insert journaling memories and that's where you could tell the story. Then if anyone wants to see your family history in the future, the story can be told without it being brought up as an "issue".

[Chris in VA]

I wouldn't tell, but I wouldn't have done something so disingenuous, either. Why couldn't you have told the truth? In our faith tradition, one can have a civil marriage, and then have a blessing in the church. There is no need to be dishonest. Perhaps that wasn't available to you?

[unsinkable]

My dh and I had our wedding one year after we were officially married. We didn't tell anyone we were married earlier. It was awesome. A small chapel in CA, just the two of us and we were able to say all we wanted to say. We didn't live near our families at the time (dh was in the Marines) so they don't know we were already living together. As we are getting older (and our dds) we wonder if we should tell our family that our anniversary is actually a year before the wedding. I don't regret it at all because my dad walked me down the aisle and less than a year later he was dead. I am glad I still went through with the actual wedding so I could have that moment. My question is how upset, if at all, would you be to find out your dc was actually married before the wedding? It has been twelve years now but I still feel nervous about telling family (my mom). I feel like such a little girl where this is concerned and would love opinions from others. (I am assuming since I am nervous about it that it means my family would be upset.)

 

I wouldn't be mad at all. I think it is sweet.

[coralloyd]

I would be hurt if one of my dds were to keep a seceret like that from me for so many years. I would be concerned about why they felt the need to do something like that.

[Joker]

Thanks for the replies. It has never been something I stress and feel guilty over. Twice a year (on the anniversaries) I think about it and wonder if telling would be a problem. My dh proposed, we wanted to get married but our families (1000 miles away) wanted to plan a ceremony. One was planned and it couldn't happen for a year and a half. I was going to tell my family after our own ceremony but a woman I worked with asked me to reconsider. She said her daughter did the same thing and told her a few months before the wedding. The mom said she felt disappointed that the wedding she would be a part of wasn't the "real" deal. I thought about it and decided not to say anything. I'm very glad I didn't now (with my dad passing so soon after) in case it would have ruined the time for them. There is no big reason for not telling and my mom and I have a great relationship. We talk on the phone every day and she visits us once a year. I was just curious as to how you here would feel. I see now its a mixed bag and still don't know if I will bring it up now, later or never. The dds know and its never been a big deal and has never come up in conversation with family. We never told them to keep it a secret, but its never come up.

[iammommy]

I would be hurt if one of my dds were to keep a seceret like that from me for so many years. I would be concerned about why they felt the need to do something like that.

:iagree: Nan

[mom2abcd]

In my family, they'd be more hurt by the fact that I'd not told them before than by the fact that I'd eloped, and while they'd be hurt, they'd also (after a few days, lol) be grateful that I finally told them.

 

Same here. I think the truth is always best. But you would want to be very careful about the timing and circumstances of the telling. Make sure your parents are in a good mood! LOL

 

It might come out that you were living together before what they think was your wedding. I know if my kid tried this, I would be totally relieved to know that they were truly already married.

 

I hope I'm never that controlling or dominating that my children feel they need to delay their wedding that long just to suit me. Wow. That must have been tough. I would hate to have people think I wasn't married when I really was. All the best!