Anybody else never taught how to manage a home?

[Rhonda in TX]

My mom was a wonderful mom. I was truly blessed to have her and I miss her desperately. That said...

 

She taught me practically nothing about how to run a home. Our home was always cluttered and the only cleaning that got done was crisis cleaning for company. Luckily we had company very frequently so the house was cleaned regulary. LOL I was married a couple of years before I realized that I didn't have to spend all day cleaning before having people over. I could spread the work out over the week. Amazing!

 

I'm 43 years old and still stumbling along. I've read all kinds of books over the years (Don Aslett, Denise Schofield, Flylady, etc.) trying to figure it out. I got helpful tips, but nothing that really "clicked" for me. I think I've found it, though. Home Comforts. It's an incredible book! It explains the reasoning behind all those home schedules. It also has instructions for cleaning anything you could possibly imagine. I'm constantly finding answers to things I've wondered about.

 

I got the book from the library, but will be ordering a copy soon.

 

If you've found anything like this, that caused a "eureka" moment, I'd love to hear about it.

[ahousefullofjs]

:lurk5: I need all the help I can get in this department. Thanks for the book suggestion.

[juelle]

I also love and honor my mother all that I did learn from her, but I'm also learning as I go along. Flylady is working for me right now. Decluttering is the big issue.:tongue_smilie:

[Janna]

Funny! I was just talking with a good friend this morning about this exact thing! She comes from the same background as you and has been frustrated for YEARS about it. She is tired of telling her kids how to be neat, but not modeling it. Her desire is there, but to make it happen is so hard for her because of the same background as you.

 

She was telling me today that she is reading this book and there have been a few "Eureka" moments for her while reading it.

 

I will tell her about the book you are reading, and maybe you can check out the one she is.

 

Fwiw, while I don't share the same difficulty, I *do* share a difficulty with cooking. My dad is a *fantastic* cook, and my mom is a supurb baker. But neither of them taught me anything about it. So I self-taught how to cook and bake. And I *love* to cook (more than bake), but because of this, I find it highly challenging to teach my kids how to cook. Know of any tips for that? :)

 

Edited to add: After posting and thinking about it a bit, I realized that more than anything that wasn't taught to me was how to budget and financially manage the home. I have absolutely no clue. Dave Ramsey and Larry Burkett have been helpful, but I still struggle. And again, it's something my mom has down to a science - she is extremely financially responsible. But why she never taught me or my brothers...???

Edited June 14, 2010 by Janna

[OnTheBrink]

My mother did her share of **tching and complaining about how messy the house was, but she never did much about teaching me how to manage a home. So, I struggle, too. :glare:

[pdalley]

Me too. My mother was aghast that I wanted to take Home Ec in High School and gave me so much flack about it that I didn't. I really, really wish I had. I have a lot of executive function issues anyway and I have to work really hard in this department. (Long story - my mother and I are polar opposites in life and I was easily influenced by her as a child and young adult.)

 

The good news is that my boys will be like their Dad - who is very systematic in his cleaning approach and has taught me a lot. :001_smile:

[Jen in PA]

My mother was the exact opposite. We had cleaning schedules and routines, color coded towels, color coded drinking cups, the works. She always knew who hadn't put their towels in the laundry on towel day or which one of us forgot to wash up our own cups. Laundry wasn't considered done until every last piece was put away, dishes weren't considered done until the sink was scrubbed and every last dish was dried and put away. If there was a pot with really stuck-on grime we had to ask permission to let it soak past when the other dishes were done. And I was always so stressed out by the constant list of things to do that I went the opposite direction for a number of years. I think I have struck a balance now, and I do use Flylady when I find myself letting things get too cluttered, but I aim for reality, not perfection.

[helena]

I second Home Comforts! Great book.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Ugh. Me.

 

My mom wasn't very... homemaker-ish. (Not a word! lol) We often had dinner at 10 or 11 oclock at night, and NOT very healthy meals. Our house was ALWAYS a mess. On top of that, she always did my laundry for me, never expected me to do chores of any sort... -sigh-

 

I know she was just trying to take care of me, but since she did everything, I never learned how! EVERYTHING about homemaking (cleaning, cooking, laundry, planning healthy meals..) is hard for me. Paying bills is equally hard, since I was never taught financial responsibility either.

 

And of course, I had my daughter at 20 years old, while I was still living at home. We have moved out, but instead of trying to learn how to run a home for just me, I was thrown into the mix trying to run it for both my daughter and I.

 

If I can ever get the hang of it, I will definitely be teaching my daughter these skills. I will be checking out the books recommended in this post, thank you!!

[MomOfOneFunOne]

ohmygoodnessgracious! I'm right there with you! My mom is mistress of all things domestic. She can cook anything, can, bake, sew, quilt, embroider, keeps a tidy house and is an artist, to boot. Me? She would always shoo me out of whatever room she was working in and I never learned a thing about keeping a home. I didnt' do a load of laundry till I went off to college and never cleaned a room. seriously. I *know* I made messes but they would disappear and my clothes would miraculously appear clean and hanging or folded.

 

Then I got married.

 

I learned to cook with a Julia Child book someone gave me for a wedding gift (honest, I learned to boil an egg with that book!). I learned to bake bread a couple of years ago. I taught myself to embroider with the video lessons at needle n thread. I still can't sew. I'm learning little by little how to can. I almost never bake except for bread.

 

My House Is A Mess!!!!!!! I'm disorganized. I am a mess. My poor family.

 

I've looked at a million books for becoming more organized and keeping a tidier/more welcoming home but they all just make me feel guilty and don't help. I mean, they don't come over and knock on the door with a whip and whistle. Short of that, I"m not sure anything will help. : (

 

I'm like the op's mom: I pretty much only clean if someone is expected. All my friends know not to come unless expected!

 

I do with it were different.

[Harriet Vane]

Count me in. I was most definitely not taught how to keep a home, and I struggle with the sad fact that I am also not teaching my kids this skill. It's partly personality--I have NO joy at all in homekeeping and would welcome the chance to live in a tent, lol--and also partly that the mindset was not drilled into me.

 

Oddly enough, I am very, very good at the individual skills of cleaning or whatever, just not good at doing so on any semblance of a schedule.

[Jyniffrec]

My mother kept the house clean and taught us how to do it but never taught us how to cook. We weren't allowed in the kitchen (until clean up)so I didn't even know how to boil water until I moved out. And when we had the money to eat out we did. We rarely ate at home unless we had to. You can imagine the healthy habits I obtained (I will always think of Sunday nights as eating Burger King food and watching the A-Team). I went from that extreme to making everything from scratch for a few years. Now, with major frequent, blips in my life, we are frequenters at fast food restaurants, I'm ashamed to say. I try so hard but *it is just ingrained*. And I can't cook unless everything is absolutely perfect in the kitchen. So while I know how to clean, I get discouraged when I see a mess and we just go out... so the house doesn't get cleaned... :001_huh:

 

A housekeeper worked wonders here for several months.

[Mom in High Heels]

Both my parents are neat freaks and kept the house spotless. They usually shuffled me out of the house while they cleaned though. I had chores to do, but rarely did them up to my mom's standards. They were crazy for cleanliness. Crazy. It made me crazy. For all their cleaning and homemaking though, I was never really taught how to manage a home. I wish my school had offered home ec. I would have taken it. I too was not anything financial. I'm crap with money.

My house isn't a huge mess or anything, but it's messier than I would like. Dh is crazy messy though and I swear I can't keep up with him and his constant pack-rattyness.

[simka2]

I'm in this boat too! If you like history books one I found encouraging was Mrs. Robert E. Lee. For some reason this gave me a lot of hope!!!

[nrg]

My mother was a near quadriplegic, and I was the oldest and only daughter. I did a great deal of housework to my mother's specifications. She loved having a home and a family, and did all she could happily. That said, much was left to my dad and me. Also, our home was designed for a handicapped person and had different cleaning and maintenance needs. As a homemaker now, I am prone to forgetting or leaving things to my husband that are really part of the big picture. I have enjoyed Martha Stewart's Home Keeping, as well as books on organizing. My focus now is to be as grateful for my home and family as my mother was and to take responsibility for everything, even when someone else is doing some of the work.

[Food4Thought]

Thanks for the book recommendation. Was it not too overwhelming for you?

 

I, too, grew up in a disorganized house and didn't learn a thing about keeping a home. I learned to cook at a camp, so scaling down my recipes to feed 2 instead of 300 was a trick. As for cleaning, decorating, and organizing, I am constantly just barely hanging on. I actually own a copy of a book called Conquering Chronic Disorganization but I don't know where it is. :tongue_smilie:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I was never taught.

 

I found Flylady a few years back and she has been a Godsend.

[Luckymama]

Thanks for the virtual smack on the head! I am one of those organized, clean house types who cooks and bakes and sews and gardens and cans/freezes etc. I will make teaching my kids house management skills a priority this weekend :)

 

My mom did teach me everything. I miss her desperately but teaching my son and girls will honor her memory.

[Giraffe]

Was never taught, never learned. Married a man who was waited on hand and foot and who expects a clean for company house and dinner on the table when he gets home.

 

Can you say - Ruh Roh? We're struggling through. I'm trying to learn routines and standard operating procedures, but it's hard. Why was working in an office and being a CPA so much easier?!?!

 

I looked at Home Comforts, but it overwhelmed the tar out of me. I'm taking baby steps with the Fly Lady and the Slob Sisters. Then I'll try Home Comforts again.

[Rhonda in TX]

Thanks for the book recommendation. Was it not too overwhelming for you?

...

I actually own a copy of a book called Conquering Chronic Disorganization but I don't know where it is. :tongue_smilie:

 

Overwhelming? I can see how it could be. She definitely says to start where you are, though. Don't try to do it all at once. She includes incredibly detailed lists and plans and instructions so that her book can be used even by those who are successful homemakers. So far, I'm just absorbing the feel of the book. This woman loves homemaking, and I want to love it as well. Reading about someone who finds joy in it rather than seeing it as drudgery is inspiring.

 

I'm totally laughing about your lost book. That is so me!! :lol:

[Rhonda in TX]

She was telling me today that she is reading this book and there have been a few "Eureka" moments for her while reading it.

 

 

I will definitely take a look at this book. Thanks for the recommendation!

[LibraryLover]

I keep an organized home, and so did my mom. I think the book Home Comfort is total overkill for people who are not madly in love with domestic chores and/or doing them in a certain way. I am pragmatic, not romantic about that sort of thing.

 

Some people love the romance of ironing sheets (it may well be their mediation) and some of us don't. For me, having read the book (it was a gift, and I kept it for about a year and then gave it away to a friend who was a romance housekeeper), the Home Comfort level of housekeeping is not my bag, man. :D Mostly, I think cleaning the same things over and over again is nececessary, but *for me* , rather boring...although I like a tidy home. None of my kids are very slobby, thankfully, and they all know how to vac, make meals, clean a toilet, and do laundry-- all the way down to putting it away. It's enough. lol

Edited June 14, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Mommy22alyns]

The whole concept of "managing a home" was foreign to me until I started hanging out here, so I'd say I definitely wasn't taught that when I was younger.

[Jenny in GA]

I've often wanted to start a thread discussing the idea that many people ARE in their thirties and forties and still struggling with the idea of how to cook, clean, and stay organized (often with the help of books).

 

This seems so wrong that it should be that way. But it also seems very common.

 

As always, I wonder when that trend started, and why, and where it's headed. Why did so many of us miss this growing up? Why do so many people need to read a book that basically says, "Get dressed and showered when you get up in the morning, and before you go to bed, make sure the kitchen is clean ... and vaccuum every Monday," etc. Isn't that weird that a book that basically says something this simple is a lifesaver to so many people??

 

I started a similar thread recently about not having chores while growing up.

 

I am trying to get my kids started with routines a little. My oldest is nine and already way ahead of where I was at nineteen.

 

Jenny

[Plucky]

I wasn't taught to run a home, be a mother or wife, or even homeschool. I've struggled with my standards of cleanliness over the years, but most of us here aren't just homemakers. We have a very busy job homeschooling, others homeschool and work. I have yet to read a book that helps me to balance homeschooling and homemaking. I have read a ton on cleaning and organizing. For me it comes down to trying to do a morning tidy and an evening tidy. Get the kids involved and they clean when I clean. Be merciless in decluttering and try to find time to really clean, which is hard for me because we are so busy and I like spending time with my family on the weekend.

 

People are always complimenting me on my home, but that is because it's decluttered and homey. Instead of teaching girls to care for a home, I'd rather society realize that a clean house is not a direct reflection on the woman of the house. That cluttered or not super clean doesn't mean failure in character (unhygienic is something totally different).

 

How many hours do we all work taking care of the kids, homeschooling, running errands, going to activities? We are busy ladies. :)

[melissel]

Funny! I was just talking with a good friend this morning about this exact thing! She comes from the same background as you and has been frustrated for YEARS about it. She is tired of telling her kids how to be neat, but not modeling it. Her desire is there, but to make it happen is so hard for her because of the same background as you.

 

She was telling me today that she is reading this book and there have been a few "Eureka" moments for her while reading it.

 

I have some of the same problems. I do know how to clean and do laundry. I do NOT know how to do it while also managing the rest of our lives. I'm so easily derailed and have no routines. The kids' messiness and bad habits drive me crazy (just two seconds ago, DD4 took her robe off and dropped it right on the floor :glare:), but since I'm not modeling the correct habits, what else would they know? I'm struggling to clean and declutter this week so we can start fresh when we come back from our upcoming vacation.

 

I've been wanting to read that Starns book, but my library system doesn't have it. I may have to bite the bullet and buy it, though I really shouldn't be spending the money right now. But I've heard great things about it from other people as well. Hmmm...

 

My mother did her share of **tching and complaining about how messy the house was, but she never did much about teaching me how to manage a home. So, I struggle, too. :glare:

 

Yep, mine too. My mom is wonderful, takes care of everyone around her, and is a hard worker. But she was an overwhelmed working mom when I was growing up, and cleaning was an afterthought, not a regular part of our lives. My few chores were never enforced, and my messes were shoved into my room and ignored. I'd really like to break that cycle!

 

I actually own a copy of a book called Conquering Chronic Disorganization but I don't know where it is. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol: Thank you for sharing that! I have such a hard time decluttering and parting with things because I worry about the money. I recently found myself buying duplicates of things we already had because I had no idea we already had the first items! That strengthened my resolve. If money's going to be spent either way, I'd rather have a clean house along with it!

 

I'm adding all the book recs to my list.

[LibraryLover]

I think people who need a book to tell them to shower and get dressed might not be sufferring from lack of home-making skills, but might be sufferring from ADD sorts of issues.

 

I mean, letting dishes pile up in the sink for days and days is just smelly. How long does it take to learn that lesson once you have your own place?

 

I think there are other issues. Maybe you're working a job, maybe your dh is direspectful, and doesn't lift a finger.

 

My mother never had to tell me food left out on the counter starts to rot. Or that if you never do laundry, you have no clean clothing.

 

If one has a home that looks like it could be on Hoarders, and your mother did as well, that's not about home-making skills. I can see there being a learning curve for cooking, folding sheets just so, sorting laundry, but how long is this learning curve going to last?

Edited June 14, 2010 by LibraryLover

[helena]

I've often wanted to start a thread discussing the idea that many people ARE in their thirties and forties and still struggling with the idea of how to cook, clean, and stay organized (often with the help of books).

 

This seems so wrong that it should be that way. But it also seems very common.

 

As always, I wonder when that trend started, and why, and where it's headed. Why did so many of us miss this growing up? Why do so many people need to read a book that basically says, "Get dressed and showered when you get up in the morning, and before you go to bed, make sure the kitchen is clean ... and vaccuum every Monday," etc. Isn't that weird that a book that basically says something this simple is a lifesaver to so many people??

 

I started a similar thread recently about not having chores while growing up.

 

I am trying to get my kids started with routines a little. My oldest is nine and already way ahead of where I was at nineteen.

 

Jenny

 

I think women going into the work force in the 70s had something to do with it. That generation still had a lot of the knowledge (of how to run a household), but they were either away at work or exhausted at home on their days off. I think a lot of girls in my generation even grew up in tidy homes with working moms. But they didn't actually learn the techniques.

Also more than one generation of women used to live in the home. I often think about my mom or MIL having to move in with us. The house would be easier to maintain, more cooking in the kitchen... (too bad they would be a nightmare to live with :)).

 

I like Home Comforts because she treats keeping a house as an art. I don't expect to do everything to the degree that she describes, but it's nice to have a reference. I think this book is important because she is preserving a dying language of sorts.

[melissel]

I've often wanted to start a thread discussing the idea that many people ARE in their thirties and forties and still struggling with the idea of how to cook, clean, and stay organized (often with the help of books).

 

This seems so wrong that it should be that way. But it also seems very common.

 

As always, I wonder when that trend started, and why, and where it's headed. Why did so many of us miss this growing up? Why do so many people need to read a book that basically says, "Get dressed and showered when you get up in the morning, and before you go to bed, make sure the kitchen is clean ... and vaccuum every Monday," etc. Isn't that weird that a book that basically says something this simple is a lifesaver to so many people??

 

I started a similar thread recently about not having chores while growing up.

 

I am trying to get my kids started with routines a little. My oldest is nine and already way ahead of where I was at nineteen.

 

Jenny

 

I think it coincides with women's lib. IMO, before women began finding other things to do outside the home (because they wanted to or were forced to, economically), home management was pretty much what they did. When women began working/finding other interests outside of homemaking alone, much of what we're talking about got lost and was no longer passed down. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have our society go backward at all. But I think that's where we stepped off this path. Now we just need to relearn a lot of the routine-making and home management skills that we lost, and we can begin passing them down again, in our own ways (where we're not slaves to our homes).

 

ETA: I've just been thinking about this more, and I'm thinking it also relates to the massive increase in consumerism over the last 30 years or so. When I think about how I spend my time in my home, I'm forever picking up toys, clothes, papers, projects, supplies, games, shoes--I spend too much of my time managing STUFF. By the time I get the STUFF wrangled, I've run out of time for the actual cleaning part. But I don't remember having anything even close to as much stuff when I was a child or teen. Everything I owned fit into a teeny, tiny bedroom. We had no bonus room or playroom, or even bookshelves (I had a few cardboard boxes in the basement--that was it). My parents didn't make fancy meals for dinner. They made a cut of meat, a pot of rice, and a pot of veggies. So there was no shopping for, storing, and managing a million ingredients and cooking supplies, etc. I think the way we live today has a lot to do with our struggles as well.

Edited June 15, 2010 by melissel

[melissel]

I think women going into the work force in the 70s had something to do with it. That generation still had a lot of the knowledge (of how to run a household), but they were either away at work or exhausted at home on their days off. I think a lot of girls in my generation even grew up in tidy homes with working moms. But they didn't actually learn the techniques.

Also more than one generation of women used to live in the home. I often think about my mom or MIL having to move in with us. The house would be easier to maintain, more cooking in the kitchen... (too bad they would be a nightmare to live with :)).

 

I like Home Comforts because she treats keeping a house as an art. I don't expect to do everything to the degree that she describes, but it's nice to have a reference. I think this book is important because she is preserving a dying language of sorts.

 

Heh, we posted at the same time.

[LibraryLover]

I do think some women find art in dusting and waxing and some don't. If you're own mother didn't, so what, you know? You learn on your own. Or you read a book, or find a mentor. Every mom has her interests. You might share them, you might not. Poor moms, they can't catch a break. "My mother never taught me how to do laundry!" LOL You know who taught Arnold (the Terminator) and Maria's (the Kennedy-Shriver) kids to to laundry? Arnold, because Maria's family always employed help. (Danmed Democrats!)

 

So you, you know, where are the men here? My dh learned in 5 minutes how to do laundry when he went away to college. It's not really rocket science.

Edited June 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Rhonda in TX]

As always, I wonder when that trend started, and why, and where it's headed. Why did so many of us miss this growing up? Why do so many people need to read a book that basically says, "Get dressed and showered when you get up in the morning, and before you go to bed, make sure the kitchen is clean ... and vaccuum every Monday," etc. Isn't that weird that a book that basically says something this simple is a lifesaver to so many people??

 

My mother's mother kept a clean house and cooked without a cookbook. We'd go for Sunday dinner and she'd have fried chicken AND ham AND a roast, as well as a table full of vegetables, and homemade bread. She was amazing.

 

Mom's life was very different. She was a secretary and worked all of her life. When she learned home management, she didn't learn how to juggle a full time job with the husband and kids. I wonder if that's part of it.

[melissel]

I do think some women find art in dusting and waxing and some don't. If you're own mother didn't, so what, you know? You learn on your own. Or you read a book, or find a mentor. Every mom has her interests. You might share them, you might not. Poor moms, they can't catch a break. "My mother never taught me how to do laundry!" LOL You know who taught Arnold (the Terminator) and Maria's (the Kennedy-Shriver) kids to to laundry? Arnold, because Maria's family always employed help. (Danmed Democrats!)

 

So you, you know, where are the men here? My dh learned in 5 minutes how to do laundry when he went away to college. It's not really rocket science.

 

I don't think anyone here is demonizing their mom, for pete's sake. We're simply talking about what we didn't learn from them versus what others, who don't feel that they struggle with housework, DID learn. I know how to do laundry, mop the floor, vacuum, dust, etc. It seems like we're having the "routines" discussion again. I can clean anything, and do some things better than my mom. What I can't do is manage to clean and and run the rest of our lives at the same time.

 

As for my DH, he was raised by his mom. He can cook better than I can and clean just about as well. He can also sew--something I can't do. However, he's out of the house from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m., working at his sales job. When he's home, he's making and taking work calls and sending emails, and managing his part of our home--lawn and landscaping care, auto maintenance, general repairs and home maintenance, etc. I don't expect him to do laundry, and he doesn't expect me to juggle children so I can go sit at the mechanic for three hours or drive their loaner clunkers around. That's the way it works around here.

[woolybear]

You mean there's something I should know about managing a home???!!! D'oh! (Hitting hand to forehead) So that's the problem here..........

 

No my mom never taught me any such thing and I have yet to really figure it out. And boy, does it show around here!

[Lawana]

I think people who need a book to tell them to shower and get dressed might not be sufferring from lack of home-making skills, but might be sufferring from ADD sorts of issues.

 

I mean, letting dishes pile up in the sink for days and days is just smelly. How long does it take to learn that lesson once you have your own place?

 

I think there are other issues. Maybe you're working a job, maybe your dh is direspectful, and doesn't lift a finger.

 

My mother never had to tell me food left out on the counter starts to rot. Or that if you never do laundry, you have no clean clothing.

 

If one has a home that looks like it could be on Hoarders, and your mother did as well, that's not about home-making skills. I can see there being a learning curve for cooking, folding sheets just so, sorting laundry, but how long is this learning curve going to last?

Have you no issues that you struggle with? Does everything in your life flow so smoothly and easily that you never have the sense that "others seem to get it, what's wrong with me?" If so, then you are truely blessed. For those of us mere housewives that do have these demons, being told, "what's the big deal, just do it" is less than helpful.

[Rhonda in TX]

I do think some women find art in dusting and waxing and some don't. If you're own mother didn't, so what, you know? You learn on your own. Or you read a book, or find a mentor. Every mom has her interests. You might share them, you might not. Poor moms, they can't catch a break. "My mother never taught me how to do laundry!"

 

So you, you know, where are the men here? My dh learned in 5 minutes how to do laundry when he went away to college. It's not really rocket science.

 

It's not the physical act of laundry or cleaning. I can do those. I did learn how to wash clothes, clean a toilet, mop the kitchen floor, etc. What I did NOT learn was how to do these things on a regular schedule. Everything was done in a frenzy, which is a stressful way to live. My mother had many, many talents. Home management was not one of them.

 

If it's not a struggle for you, you're not going to get it. It's kind of ironic that you mention "read a book". That's exactly what we're talking about here. And just because a book wasn't helpful to you doesn't mean it's not going to be helpful to someone else.

 

As for the men, my DH works hard. He has a full-time job. He does contract work on the side and help his parents with their homes as they age. He handles all the yard work (does it himself, not hired out) and car maintenance. I need to carry my share of the load, and I'm not.

[Rhonda in TX]

Have you no issues that you struggle with? Does everything in your life flow so smoothly and easily that you never have the sense that "others seem to get it, what's wrong with me?" If so, then you are truely blessed. For those of us mere housewives that do have these demons, being told, "what's the big deal, just do it" is less than helpful.

 

Exactly!

[Care]

It's not the physical act of laundry or cleaning. I can do those. I did learn how to wash clothes, clean a toilet, mop the kitchen floor, etc. What I did NOT learn was how to do these things on a regular schedule. Everything was done in a frenzy, which is a stressful way to live. My mother had many, many talents. Home management was not one of them.

 

If it's not a struggle for you, you're not going to get it. It's kind of ironic that you mention "read a book". That's exactly what we're talking about here. And just because a book wasn't helpful to you doesn't mean it's not going to be helpful to someone else.

 

As for the men, my DH works hard. He has a full-time job. He does contract work on the side and help his parents with their homes as they age. He handles all the yard work (does it himself, not hired out) and car maintenance. I need to carry my share of the load, and I'm not.

 

Same here, actually. My DH doesn't have a great job or a complex job or whatever, but he puts in four 10 hour days to keep us in food and shelter. I'd like to be able to hold up my end of the bargain and keep the house in somewhat livable condition.

 

As it stands, much like everyone else, I can cook. I can clean. I can mop, wash toilets, do laundry, dust, and whatever else needs to be done. I'm fully capable of these things. What I'm missing is a sens of how to make it happen in concert. I understand that if I don't do laundry, we have no clean clothes. But it's what I need to do to get into a groove to make sure that we have clean clothes, that I remember to thaw things for dinner, that the house gets vacuumed more often now that our son is crushing cereal into the carpeting... That is a skill I'm lacking. And so I'm watching this thread, hoping someone has some insights that I haven't seen before. Not lamenting that woe is me, my neat freak mother didn't instill a love of cleaning in me (I am *so* my father's daughter!), but instead looking for ways to improve myself, and to try to gain skills I just don't have, and was never taught - no matter how many semesters of Home Ec I took, or how wonderful, organized and tidy my mother is.

[Mergath]

My mom kept our house clean growing up, but she never taught me anything. She was one of those "just leave me alone so I can get this done with" types. The first time I ever did my own laundry was when I was in the army.

 

I've taught myself a lot, though. I am now an awesome cook, and keep my house reasonably clean. One thing that inspired me was a memoir about a guy who moved to France that I read around a year ago. The description of how French women in this particular region clean was amazing. I think I cleaned for three hours straight after I read it.

[Rhonda in TX]

I've taught myself a lot, though. I am now an awesome cook, and keep my house reasonably clean. One thing that inspired me was a memoir about a guy who moved to France that I read around a year ago. The description of how French women in this particular region clean was amazing. I think I cleaned for three hours straight after I read it.

 

Please share the name of the book!

[LibraryLover]

Huh? Where was the word demonized used? Don't read what's not there.

 

I know some people are very submissive and wifely here. But not all of us are into that. That's OK. :)

 

 

I don't think anyone here is demonizing their mom, for pete's sake. We're simply talking about what we didn't learn from them versus what others, who don't feel that they struggle with housework, DID learn. I know how to do laundry, mop the floor, vacuum, dust, etc. It seems like we're having the "routines" discussion again. I can clean anything, and do some things better than my mom. What I can't do is manage to clean and and run the rest of our lives at the same time.

 

As for my DH, he was raised by his mom. He can cook better than I can and clean just about as well. He can also sew--something I can't do. However, he's out of the house from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m., working at his sales job. When he's home, he's making and taking work calls and sending emails, and managing his part of our home--lawn and landscaping care, auto maintenance, general repairs and home maintenance, etc. I don't expect him to do laundry, and he doesn't expect me to juggle children so I can go sit at the mechanic for three hours or drive their loaner clunkers around. That's the way it works around here.

[pdalley]

I don't think anyone here is demonizing their mom, for pete's sake. We're simply talking about what we didn't learn from them versus what others, who don't feel that they struggle with housework, DID learn. I know how to do laundry, mop the floor, vacuum, dust, etc. It seems like we're having the "routines" discussion again. I can clean anything, and do some things better than my mom. What I can't do is manage to clean and and run the rest of our lives at the same time.

 

As for my DH, he was raised by his mom. He can cook better than I can and clean just about as well. He can also sew--something I can't do. However, he's out of the house from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m., working at his sales job. When he's home, he's making and taking work calls and sending emails, and managing his part of our home--lawn and landscaping care, auto maintenance, general repairs and home maintenance, etc. I don't expect him to do laundry, and he doesn't expect me to juggle children so I can go sit at the mechanic for three hours or drive their loaner clunkers around. That's the way it works around here.

 

:iagree: It took me awhile to catch up after a late start. My priorities are not the same as my mother's priorities were. She didn't consider it important. I don't consider some of the things she considered important - important. Not saying mine are better or hers are - just that they are mine and I wish I had been more assertive as a student and taken the classes I wanted to. I think it would have helped. Never have we had dishes piled in the sink, or run out of clothes to wear or have I needed someone to tell me when to shower and get dressed. I got it done - I'd just like to do it better.

 

Of course my mother's outlook on women and their place in life is the polar opposite of mine. I think the reality is somewhere in the middle of both of our views.

[PiCO]

I'm in the same situation- I grew up in a cluttered home that we cleaned in a mad rush before we had guests over.

 

I have a similar household now, but not as bad. I've had cleaners come in weekly, but then I have to spend hours picking up the day before they come in! I realized that if I just keep everything picked up, the actual cleaning part doesn't take that long and we can do it ourselves. It's not rocket science. (And I hate FlyLady.)

 

I do like the books by the Clean Team guy- don't remember the name of them though.

 

As for cooking, I grew up in a kitchen. Cooking comes as naturally as walking to me, I can't follow a recipe without making improvements. I teach my kids the same way I was taught- standing on a stool in the kitchen from age 2, tasting everything and all stages of the job and talking about what's going on.

[Mergath]

Please share the name of the book!

 

Oh gosh, let me think... I think it was something like I'll Never Be French No Matter How Hard I Try. Something along those lines. And I think all the cleaning was maybe halfway through. It was really a great book, I highly recommend it.

[Rhonda in TX]

Oh gosh, let me think... I think it was something like I'll Never Be French No Matter How Hard I Try. Something along those lines. And I think all the cleaning was maybe halfway through. It was really a great book, I highly recommend it.

 

Found it! Thanks. I put it on my Paperback Swap wish list. :)

[silliness7]

I don't know how to manage my home either and my mom was the QUEEN of the clean home. The problem is she did it all while I was at school or in the summer while I was out playing.

 

Thanks for the book recommendation. I've just requested it from my library. :001_smile:

[helena]

ETA: I've just been thinking about this more, and I'm thinking it also relates to the massive increase in consumerism over the last 30 years or so. When I think about how I spend my time in my home, I'm forever picking up toys, clothes, papers, projects, supplies, games, shoes--I spend too much of my time managing STUFF. By the time I get the STUFF wrangled, I've run out of time for the actual cleaning part. But I don't remember having anything even close to as much stuff when I was a child or teen. Everything I owned fit into a teeny, tiny bedroom. We had no bonus room or playroom, or even bookshelves (I had a few cardboard boxes in the basement--that was it). My parents didn't make fancy meals for dinner. They made a cut of meat, a pot of rice, and a pot of veggies. So there was no shopping for, storing, and managing a million ingredients and cooking supplies, etc. I think the way we live today has a lot to do with our struggles as well.

 

I think this is a biggie! We have way to much stuff.

 

Also, love her or hate her, I think Martha Stewart brought back a lot of that domestic nostalgia. I think it did so well because she was not just about the skills, but about the products.

 

I was raised in a well kept house maintained by both parents, and taught many many domestic skills. Even though I've struggled to keep a tidy house, and it's my personality to collect stuff, I'm so grateful they gave me the skills to do it right the first time. My mom is a Montessori teacher, so she would make us sit cross legged, she would lay out all of the supplies for the job, and go step by excruciating step, then when we had to do the job on our own, she would inspect the work. Would we pass inspection?? It's something all the girls in my family still joke about. :)

 

A while ago, I started teaching the girls my mom's way (which really does seem over the top). And you know what?? My house is SO MUCH CLEANER!! :lol:

It wasn't enough to delegate the work. Or that they were willing to do it without complaining. They needed me to teach them step by step how to do each job, (including cleaning up afterwards ;)). Their help is so much more meaningful.

[helena]

I know some people are very submissive and wifely here. But not all of us are into that. That's OK. :)

 

I have such a hard time understanding this submissive stuff..

Is it a certain type of American Christian thing?? This forum has been a window into Christian lifestyles, and I notice that word getting thrown around as a bit an insult (I think?).

 

Is wanting to be an excellent house keeper, wife, and mother a submissive act?

 

Could you please clarify which parts of this conversation are submissive? What is wifely? Can you be wifely but not submissive?

 

Not trying to be a brat, just looking for some better understanding. :)

[GWOB]

My mother did her share of **tching and complaining about how messy the house was, but she never did much about teaching me how to manage a home. So, I struggle, too. :glare:

 

:iagree: This has been my experience as well.

 

I am fortunate enough to have a VERY understanding and helpful husband, who happened to be the son of a single mom and understands June Cleaver is a fictional character. I am no June Cleaver or Martha Stewart. I likely never will be. Sometimes I resent my mom for that, but mostly I resent her for other things.;)

 

I noticed you (OP) are in Texas, which I consider Southern. I was raised in the South. I was pondering this today. I think in the South, you are judged by both your personal appearence and the appearence of your home. It is not an overt thing, but something that lies beneath the surface. For me, it has helped to not base my self-worth solely on my housekeeping abilities. I know, it takes a HUGE leap for us SOuthern women, but it is so liberating.

[littleWMN]

Have you no issues that you struggle with? Does everything in your life flow so smoothly and easily that you never have the sense that "others seem to get it, what's wrong with me?" If so, then you are truely blessed. For those of us mere housewives that do have these demons, being told, "what's the big deal, just do it" is less than helpful.

 

:iagree: