Is there such a thing as investing too much into your kids?

[Ruthie]

Kind of like putting all your eggs into one basket? Some points:

 

1. I am a Christian, so that does drive my decisions.

 

2. I do believe that kids will grow up to make their own choices. Meaning, a parent can literally do everything right and that child grow up to become a insert failure here.

 

3. When my kids are done hsing, I will be 42. Very young and I plan to launch a full time career. I have alot of ambitions, none of which include staying home. My dh fully supports this, he knows my energy level and my need to be fully engaged.

 

I am quickly approaching high school and all the work it entails and then an empty nest and I am so worried about having a breakdown cause my idenitity as a full time mom is gone. I am so concerned, that I almost feel like I should not hs and instead should use this time to prepare myself for my next career. Devote my time to me, not them, only for my sanity.

 

I mean, if I devote all this of my life to the kids and they become losers, what would have been the point of my life? Kind of like all those people who worked so hard to save their money for retirement, only to have Madoff take it all, KWIM? There was no point to it. They worked so hard, only to have no reward in the end.

 

Does any of this make sense? Any advice, counsel?

Ruthie

[Remudamom]

I don't think you can invest too much time, love, attention etc, etc. I think it might be possible to invest too much money IF you begger your family in order to advance a child's ambitions. And I do think that if the child is an only child and only the parents suffer it's okay, but not when there are other children involved.

 

Okay, I just voted and did not read your post first. So now I'm saying be completely involved and totally into your kids while they are there and then get on with your own life. I do not understand moms who can't find something to do to be happy when the kids are gone. Yeah, you can miss them and go visit and blah blahblah..........but do you really feel like being a mother is all you're qualified to do?

 

I'll just be me when the kids are gone, and have more time to do it (isn't that a scary thought) Heck, I don't get the problem.

Edited June 11, 2010 by Remudamom

[Mama Geek]

Ruthie,

 

I am in the opposite situation as yours. I have worked as an engineer for more than 10 years and somewhere between tonight and the next 2 1/2 weeks I will be a new first time mom. My due date is Sunday:001_smile: I am going through some of the same insecurity issues of my identity having been and engineer to being a stay at home mom who will homeschool.

 

I think you are over reacting about how your children will turn out. God has led you down the path to raise your kids, have faith that he will continue to lead them. No kid or adult is perfect so yes they will make mistakes.

 

By educating yourself by educating your kids, you will much better teach them the value of an education. Once you pick the area of your study you should be able to apply that to their studies. You will be able to both educate you and them at the same time.

[secular_mom]

You are afraid you're children will end up being losers, so you want to cut your ties and take the losses NOW to insulate yourself from pain from decisions they may make in the future that may cause you pain? Seriously?

[G5052]

My focus has always been to do the work that the Lord gave me in each chapter of life. Of course I've invested a lot in my children at this stage, but that stage is going to end at some point. They're going to be in charge of themselves, not me. Then I'll move onto another chapter...

[Food4Thought]

God loves your children more than you do. That floored me the first time I heard it, but all your worry about them really is just that: worry.

 

But don't put the cart before the horse. Your kids will need you to be their mom well through their high school years too. When you finally have that empty nest time going for you, then jump in with both feet.

 

FTR, I voted 'Yes' in your poll. But I'd encourage you not to overcorrect and err in the opposite direction.

[sassenach]

I want the best for my kids, no matter what the end result are of what they do with my best is. I have never, ever understood people who are afraid of "losing themselves." I am who I am. I am a human who delights in investing in my young children. After that, I'll be a human who delights in doing something else.

 

I do think it's possible to invest too much in your kids, but not in the way you are defining it. For example, if you neglect your marriage to focus on your kids, I would call that imbalanced and over invested. However, I didn't vote in your poll, because I think you are talking about something altogether different.

[Ruthie]

You are afraid you're children will end up being losers, so you want to cut your ties and take the losses NOW to insulate yourself from pain from decisions they may make in the future that may cause you pain?

:lol:

That does sound funny when you put it like that! Cut my losses now, eh?

 

No, no. If I was a betting kinda gal, I would bet they turn out delightful. My kids are all teens, and thus far, are a delight and hsing has helped us achieve all the family goals we have so far.

 

I've been planning my mothering years since I was 8. I just do not want to become one of those crazy moms who can't let go. I am going to ache for my kids when they are gone. Like my heart being ripped out. And how could I not take it personally if they screw up and waste their life?

[swellmomma]

i don't think so. This is the biggest fight I have had with CPS. They think it is "unnatural" for parents to invest this much time into their kids. I actually got told by the old worker that I was TOO devoted to my kids. IMO that is not humanly possible. I don't define myself by my children, but imo they are only children for such a short time and adults for such a long one. My responsibility to put all my energy into raising them, educating them etc at this stage. Once they are grown I will also be young and have decades to spend focused on my own ambitions. If my children fall on their faces as adults after I have tried everything possible to get them their whole, at least I can proudly hold my head up and say I did everything possible to ensure they would reach adulthood with the skills, knowledge, attitudes and behaviours necessary to succeed.

[FO4UR]

You are going to hit age 42 one day whether you HS through highschool or not. You are going to wake up to an empty nest one day whether you HS through highschool or not.

 

When that day is here, what will you look back and wish you would have done? Maybe it's time to start working on you, but maybe that's not at the exclusion of giving your kids your best.

 

My oldest is only 7yo...this was very easy for me to write LOL...but in a FEW short years I know I'll probably be right where you are.

[Crimson Wife]

I do think it's possible to invest too much in your kids. I see this all the time in my social circle. Folks who care way more about their child's achievements than their child as a person. The child becomes a status symbol to be flaunted like wearing a Rolex watch or driving a Porsche. :thumbdown: It's one of the reasons we homeschool, to get out of the kiddie rat race...

[lionfamily1999]

This may seem like small apples in comparison, but I'm turning 30 in July and.................................................. yes.

 

So, I understand.

 

I do believe you can invest too much in your children. I don't think that's what you're doing (yet), but I do think if you decide your life was not worthwhile because one of your children fail, then you did invest too much.

 

Make any sense?

 

You are you no matter who your children turn out to be. If you peg your worth on another person (any other person), then (imo) you've put too much of yourself in them.

 

Don't look at your empty nest as something scary... It's an adventure! :lol: Yeah. An adventure. And when you look back on your life you'll be glad that you took those moments you had with your children and wrung them dry while you still could.

[BigMamaBird]

One of the best pieces of advice I was given while expecting was to not set your children up as little idols. Pour all the love into their lives as you can, but make sure to keep balance and perspective. To answer your question, yes I believe a person can be too invested in their child. But when it comes down to it, you could die tomorrow, there's no guarantee that you'll ever be 42. So enjoy the time you have now and worry about the future when it gets here.

[secular_mom]

:lol:

That does sound funny when you put it like that! Cut my losses now, eh?

 

No, no. If I was a betting kinda gal, I would bet they turn out delightful. My kids are all teens, and thus far, are a delight and hsing has helped us achieve all the family goals we have so far.

 

I've been planning my mothering years since I was 8. I just do not want to become one of those crazy moms who can't let go. I am going to ache for my kids when they are gone. Like my heart being ripped out. And how could I not take it personally if they screw up and waste their life?

 

:) It will be okay. You already have plans to get on with YOUR life, so it's not like you'll just waste away pining for them and/or something to do. And you know there are no guarantees in life. ITU planning for the future (sounds like you've got that part down), but may I suggest that you not borrow trouble right now? There will be plenty of time to be devastated in the future if it ever becomes necessary. And STOP reading threads and/or stories about Other People's Wayward Children. You don't need that input, it just gives you something ELSE to worry about.

[Momma2Many66]

I don't think you can invest too much into your children, my God given duty is to raise them up for HIM. To bring HIM glory.

 

For HIM, not for Me, but HIM.

 

Whatever I do, I do to the best of my ability. I give it my all, my 100 %. Whether it be my children, my marraige, my home, my homeschooling, my faith, I put everything I got into it.

 

I have two adult children, a son age 26 and a daughter age 22. I gave them everything I had as a parent, I put my all into them and they came out quite well if I do say so myself :001_smile:

 

But they are not perfect, there is many things I would have liked them to do, or not do, but they are who they are.

 

Now I am working on raising four more young ones, I am putting my all into them too.

 

I know there will be dis-appointments, I know they are not going to be perfect or do everything I wish they would do, but I love them so very much anyway.

 

I have a great sense of purpose in what I do everyday for them !

 

100 % everyday !!

 

When my life is over and The Good Lord calls me home, I only need one thing to make me happy and to know my life was worthwhile. I need to hear "'Well done, my good and faithful servant". That will be my greatest reward, to bring HIM glory in all that I do.

[LibraryLover]

A few months ago, I watched a documnetary called Surfwise. It is about a hsing family from the 60's and 70's who were major players in the surfing world. Their father is in his 80's and is quite bitter about how many of his kids 'turned out'. (He has 9 in the documentary, but 11 altogether. He divorced one of his wives with whom he had two daughters. We never hear of them and he was certainly too broke to offer child support to them). He loves the 9 kids, but he doesn't respect them. He still plays the same games "You're fat" , "I gave them the world and they didn't....<fill in the blank>".

 

I think it is possible to be so overly invested and/or hoping for a specific outcome that you miss the wonderful people your children are/become as adults.

 

I honestly cannot imagine thinking of any of my children as 'losers'.

 

Having nothing to do with 'outcome', I do think parents needs lives that do not revolve around their adult children. I also think even parents of young children need some interests that are not just about their children. Our children are separate beings, and it's wrong to put pressure on them to be everything for us. I did not have children so they could meet all my needs.

Edited June 12, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Geek]

Yes. I do think you can invest too much into your children.

 

I will not drive myself into the loony bin for the sake of my children. What kind of a lessons do I teach my children about love, responsibility, respect, and relationship if I become a slave to them in an outcome-based manner?

 

Natalie

[butterflymommy]

I do NOT think you can invest too much time (even if it comes at the expense of a career), patience, love, and gentle instruction in your kids.

 

I DO think you can invest too much of your sense of self worth in your kids.

 

I also think you can invest too much money in your kids... particularly if that money has no guaranteed result.

 

I could have kept my children in private school to the tune of hundreds of thousands of $$ over all their school careers (6 children x estimated 66k each for 12 years of private school... yikes!!). But they will be better rounded socially and academically at home for a miniscule fraction of that cost.

[Guest janainaz]

I do worry about that, but I have no answers for myself.

 

I've never been career-oriented. I've never had a real desire to do anything or be anything. Financial success, educational success, success by any means according to this life means nothing to me. I don't have any passionate hobbies, but what I am passionate about is my kids. When they were born I felt inspired and I felt energized about life. I can't help that I had that feeling. My identity may very well be wrapped up in being a mom, but it occupies so much of time, I don't know how to stop. I wish I had some other interests because maybe it would make me more well-rounded, but I just don't. I like a little bit of everything, but not enough of anything to really pursue one road. In many ways sucess of this life is nothing but an illusion and I just hope that as I raise my kids that I learn a lot more about myself and about what matters in this life along the way. While I want my kids to grow up and be educated and able to provide for their families, there is something much deeper that I hope they find.

 

I often think too much is made out of this life. Maybe it's a matter of searching within just day-by-day and that focus on the present moment allows you to arrive in the right place tomorrow. But to focus on the "fear" of putting to much into your kids and losing yourself does not quite seem right.

 

Maybe part of it is that our society has taught us to always have a role or a title or a position to define who we are as a person. It seems that for a very long time people just lived - they worked to eat, the lived close together as a family and maybe they were more in touch with the reality of death. When you're able to embrace that it's a bit easier to focus on the task at hand, find joy in the moment and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

[Ester Maria]

I think that a lot of us as parents sometimes fall into the trap of thinking about our children as about our "projects" of the kind: we choose the education for them, push them in certain directions we believe they should take, we choose social circles for them when they're small, and we create a sort of mental image of who they'll be.

 

The catch is, our children are separate beings, rather than miniature "extensions" of ourselves, and the older they get, the more obvious become outside influences and genetics. Not everything is home upbringing or home education. My mother used to say that at least 30% of child upbringing is a pure lottery, depending on so many factors and influences that you as a parent CANNOT control. They WILL change, some of the changes you might not like, and they will become independent. The whole process of raising a child is about increasing independence - from the physical and nutritional one, to the intellectual, emotional, financial and worldview independence our job is to result in.

 

I do think there is such a thing as investing too much in your child, in sense of PREVENTING them to become independent and forcing a specific kind of result you wish. Those are the people that emotionally manipulate their children, "I gave you the world and you this", or continue to keep them financially dependent in their adulthood. Other than those extreme cases in which the parent is not ready to let the child go, most of the parents cannot go wrong with the amount of unconditional love, attention, financial investment in child's interests and education, etc.

[KrissiK]

I read once that parents cannot take all the credit nor all the blame for how their children turn out. When you said, "investment", though, I was thinking about it in a different way. Sometimes I wonder if I give my kids too much attention. They can be little tyrants at times, expecting me to jump when they say "jump" and thinking that they are the center of the universe. I always hear, "they grow up so fast, cherish these moments", but I feel like I'm always "cherishing these moments" and sometimes it's driving me crazy. I feel like I lose myself. I'm not sure if my reply was where you're going with your question. Children are not stocks and bonds. We give to them because we love them, not because we expect anything for our trouble.

[LibraryLover]

I call this 'outcome-based' parenting. I do this, you become this, and dammit if you don't.

 

Heartbreaking.

 

I think that a lot of us as parents sometimes fall into the trap of thinking about our children as about our "projects" of the kind: we choose the education for them, push them in certain directions we believe they should take, we choose social circles for them when they're small, and we create a sort of mental image of who they'll be.

 

The catch is, our children are separate beings, rather than miniature "extensions" of ourselves, and the older they get, the more obvious become outside influences and genetics. Not everything is home upbringing or home education. My mother used to say that at least 30% of child upbringing is a pure lottery, depending on so many factors and influences that you as a parent CANNOT control. They WILL change, some of the changes you might not like, and they will become independent. The whole process of raising a child is about increasing independence - from the physical and nutritional one, to the intellectual, emotional, financial and worldview independence our job is to result in.

 

I do think there is such a thing as investing too much in your child, in sense of PREVENTING them to become independent and forcing a specific kind of result you wish. Those are the people that emotionally manipulate their children, "I gave you the world and you this", or continue to keep them financially dependent in their adulthood. Other than those extreme cases in which the parent is not ready to let the child go, most of the parents cannot go wrong with the amount of unconditional love, attention, financial investment in child's interests and education, etc.

[OrganicAnn]

yes, I think you can. It might take different forms.

 

People who try to live out their dreams through their children do this. The Toddler and Tiara type mom. The worse stereotypical stage-mom. These people invest time, money and energy to try to fill up something in themselves.

 

I think a husband and wife who try but can't have a 5 minute conversation about anything other than their children may have narrower their focus too much to just their children.

 

Parents who help their college children with their homework, call them to wake them up every morning, and in general treat them like kids still at home.

 

Parents to are devastated when an adult child moves out, goes away to college, moves away for a job or gets married.

 

You can't love them too much, but you can do too much for them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

God wants my identity to be firmly in Him. Even as a mother, my identity is not solely as a mother even though that is what God wants me to invest my time and energy in at this point of my life (and my kid's life).

 

Both of my children are Christians and their identity is in God too (as well as securely being their own persons). My kids know that as they become teens that they will be making more and more decisions with my blessing. They will be reaping some of the real life positive and negative consequences of those decisions. They also make a lot of decisions internally which I cannot see nor control. But God sees them (although He allows them free will). I know that the result of those internal decisions could pull them away from God and from us as parents too. But I have to give all that to God to deal with. I can't deal with it and can't worry about it either (well - I can, but I shouldn't).

 

Many people do put their kids into ps for the high school years. But that decision needs to be made for better reasons, in my opinion, than fear of missing them later.

[Peela]

I honestly can't think of ANYTHING my kids could do that would make me feel they are a "loser". If my daughter became a prostitute and my son a drug dealer, I would still not think that.

They have their own destinies and their own paths. They are no certainties and no cause and effect outcomes here.

 

I have had a fear of empty nest syndrome and my identity being too caught up in homeschooling. However...it seems to be happening gradually enough here that I am adapting. my teens are very independent and have a lot of freedom and spend a lot of time out of the house. I have plenty of time to adapt slowly..and the truth is, I am enjoying my alone time a lot! Something about teens makes it wonderful when you get a break...and when its time for them to move on, I am pretty sure it will feel right at the time!

 

I think the key is not to think of homeschooling as limited to an investment in the future, and dont get too caught up in outcomes. Are you enjoying being with your kids NOW? Is your life with them full of joyful times NOW? Thats why I am not an incredibly rigorous homeschooler- for me, I feel it is important we really enjoy the journey and smell the roses along the way. The future will take care of itself when we live in our joy in the present. I dont sacrifice today for tomorrow...so if my kids end up bums, well, hopefully they are happy bums because we had plenty of happy times together.

 

There is an element of making intelligent decisions, sure, but also letting go and letting Life/God be in charge. I have feelings for my kids' strengths and what direction might be good for them, and I guide them ...but, they are not possessions or, as someone else said, projects. In fact, just check out my signature, that kind of says it for me.

[hillfarm]

I definitely believe you can invest too much of yourself in your children.

 

In my area, many of the middle aged parents grew up in very poor families and had a very hard lives as children. Their reaction to this is to overindulge their children, to give them everything they possibly can in terms of love, forgiveness, patience, finances, etc. And they have created a generation of horribly irresponsible, childish, adult brats.

 

They were trying to make up for their own childhoods, but you can't do that. What has happened can't be changed. Overindulging your dc can't undo the hurt you felt as a child. Unfortunately, a life without restriction or limits can create a monster who will treat you like a doormat for the rest of your life, expecting and demanding the sacrifices you have made in an attempt to make yourself feel better.

 

I have also seen the parents who desperately live vicariously through their dc, but that more when we lived in a large, urban area than in this rural place. I saw the cheerleader moms who hovered on the edge of coming unhinged if their dd didn't make the squad. I saw the concert musician parents who mercilessly hounded their dc to excel in music. I even saw a woman who pushed her dd to work as a Hooters waitress because the mother craved being "popular" among the young, male beach crowd.

 

These parents were heavily invested in their dc, to the point of having no lives of their own. And all of the dc were miserable, either unable to keep up with the constantly increasing demands or totally depressed at being cast into a role they hated, just so Mom and Dad could be happy.

 

And finally, I've seen some mothers in my homeschool community that I am concerned might be a bit too invested in their children's lives, to the point that I'm not sure they can handle the separation and growing independence that is a natural and healthy development for children in their teen years. Mothers that work without ceasing to "keep worldly influences away" from their dd's, preparing them to live only as shadows of their parents. Why should she ever learn to deal with strangers? She will always want to be here helping us with the farm, garden, canning, raising her sisters and brothers, etc.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for nurturing my dd in safety until she is capable of spreading her wings and experiencing more of the outside world for herself. But I don't want her to grow up to be More Me. I want her to grow up to be the Best Her.

 

So yes, I absolutely think it is possible for a parent to invest too much into a child. For their needs to become entwined in those of their dc in an unhealthy manner. As the parent of an only child, I have tried to be particularly attentive to making sure I am not overwhelming her personality with my own rather strong one. It's been tough and I am sure I have made mistakes. But I continue to seek the path that is best for her, not the one most satisfying for me.

Edited June 12, 2010 by hillfarm

[Ester Maria]

I call this 'outcome-based' parenting. I do this, you become this, and dammit if you don't.

That's actually a great label to describe it, unfortunately.

It creates a very unhealthy type of an emotional bond between the parent and the child, and the children often grow up guilt-ridden if they don't perform to the parents' expectations, and then at some point a lot of them decide to emotionally "close" for their parents because they have failed to establish an unconditional love bond with them. Heartbreaking indeed.

In my area, many of the middle aged parents grew up in very poor families and had a very hard lives as children. Their reaction to this is to overindulge their children, to give them everything they possibly can in terms of love, forgiveness, patience, finances, etc. And they have created a generation of horribly irresponsible, childish, adult brats.

We knew a couple of examples of that, and we used to call this way of parenting (I'm not proud that we used to label it that way, but it does capture the essence of the problem) "the noveau riche child upbringing syndrome", since the overindulging the child's fits of all kinds was usually combined with extreme pretentiousness with regards to the child's academic and social development, and parents desperately trying to live the life they didn't have through their children. It results in an unhappy child, who is also being put in the position of being a "project" of the kind.

[lllll]

..

[cjbeach]

I think the line has to be drawn when you start entering "helicopter parenting" territory.

[Marylou]

"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:26

 

one definition of "loser"

[Wildiris]

2. I do believe that kids will grow up to make their own choices. Meaning, a parent can literally do everything right and that child grow up to become a insert failure here.

Christian or not, I would never, ever insert the words failure/loser here or anywhere when talking of ones children.

 

You invest in your kids to give them every opportunity to survive and create a good life for themselves, but there are other influences on their lives that you cannot control. They can make poor decisions no matter the time or money you've spent on them. But no matter what happens, you stand by them. How can doing the right thing ever be construed as wasting one's life? Your kids are not a badge of your success as a parent nor are they trophies to parade like a dog and pony show.

 

P.S. A parent rarely does everything right; they just do the best they can at that moment in time.

[everettrj]

I do worry about that, but I have no answers for myself.

 

I've never been career-oriented. I've never had a real desire to do anything or be anything. Financial success, educational success, success by any means according to this life means nothing to me. I don't have any passionate hobbies, but what I am passionate about is my kids. When they were born I felt inspired and I felt energized about life. I can't help that I had that feeling. My identity may very well be wrapped up in being a mom, but it occupies so much of time, I don't know how to stop. I wish I had some other interests because maybe it would make me more well-rounded, but I just don't. I like a little bit of everything, but not enough of anything to really pursue one road. In many ways sucess of this life is nothing but an illusion and I just hope that as I raise my kids that I learn a lot more about myself and about what matters in this life along the way. While I want my kids to grow up and be educated and able to provide for their families, there is something much deeper that I hope they find.

 

I often think too much is made out of this life. Maybe it's a matter of searching within just day-by-day and that focus on the present moment allows you to arrive in the right place tomorrow. But to focus on the "fear" of putting to much into your kids and losing yourself does not quite seem right.

 

Maybe part of it is that our society has taught us to always have a role or a title or a position to define who we are as a person. It seems that for a very long time people just lived - they worked to eat, the lived close together as a family and maybe they were more in touch with the reality of death. When you're able to embrace that it's a bit easier to focus on the task at hand, find joy in the moment and let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

 

:iagree: All of it, my thoughts exactly!

[Joanne]

Ruthie, I am already older than you *will* be when your kids graduate. ;)

 

I think a lot of what you are pondering are what you ponder in your 20's. I'm not trying to be patronizing, truly. It just takes time and wisdom that comes with age and perspective to settle into your adult self.

 

I don't think you can invest too much in your kids.

 

I do think you can invest too little in yourself, your marriage, your other relationships and roles.

 

I think of "investing in kids" as a healthy function and focus. Therefore, if it is "too much", it's moved out of healthy and functioning and it no longer investing but is enmeshed.

 

I have to be honest and tell you I am a happier, more rounder, more engaged person now that I have interests, focus and work outside the home. That could be a function of the age of my kids (or, more specifically, them not being in the mind-numbing early car seat years). It could be I am out of the life-killing marriage I was in. It could be that I am *supposed* to have interests and income that are bifurcated from my mothering/wifing role.

 

Whatever the case, I believe the issues of concern, for me, are more about neglect of whole-personness than of healthy engagement with children.

[Melissa in Australia]

I mean, if I devote all this of my life to the kids and they become losers, what would have been the point of my life? There was no point to it. They worked so hard, only to have no reward in the end.

Ruthie

 

I don't really get your point. Isn't life about the journey not the end destination?

[mirabillis]

I think it's the greatest gift you can give a child. Your time, your energy, your love & your patience as you teach them about life. Far better than the public school system can fare... If you CAN do it, then do it!

 

My oldest is 8, so young still too. But we take it year-to-year. Every year I do it is another notch toward creating a solid, upstanding, well-mannered child. And if we choose to go another route, then so be it. I'll know I've done the best I can.