Long deep ponderings on kids and chores

[Jenny in GA]

As embarrassing as it is to say this, I'm one of those people who had next to no chores when I grew up. I literally had never done laundry until I went to college, and I just dumped it all in one machine. I never heard of liquid fabric softener until I got married and saw my husband use it.

 

When I was twenty (yes, twenty!) I was home from college and my parents had to suddenly visit a relative for a couple days. I ran the dishwasher, putting liquid dishwashing detergent in it, and found the kitchen floor covered in suds.

 

It is fascinating to me to wonder why my parents didn't equip me for normal ... well, normal adult life. Is it because my mother was a housewife, so that was "her job," and if I had been doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, she wouldn't really have anything to do with herself?? Did they think I was too stupid to learn? Did they think I would just figure it out myself as I got older?

 

If you're wondering why in the world I didn't take it upon myself to do those things, and think it was rude of me to never participate. well ... that would have seemed like going to my father's office and starting to root through his things and telling him I was going to help him with his next project. Or going to someone's for a homeschool group meeting, and digging through their closets so you can mop and vaccum.

 

I thought that I was an oddity in this regard, until I recently read the Maxwell's Managers of Their Chores. There were several quotes from people who were had raised similarly. One person even said that she learned how to mop a floor from reading a book when she was an adult!

 

So maybe it is not so unusual?

 

What is also curious to me is that I used to read unschooling forums and lists a LOT, and a big big principle in the unschooling community is that kids should not have chores.

 

The idea is that you give them the "gift" of cleaning up after them happily, they will not see housework as a pain, and will eventually naturally begin to clean up happily themselves (although it might take them several years to start doing so.)

 

So ... I'm curious:

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

Jenny

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

I never did any chores growing up, even in college my mother folded and put away my laundry. It was so hard getting married and having kids, not knowing how to cook or clean!

My 9 year old son unloads the dishwasher, feeds the dog, makes his bed, scoops up poop, cleans toilets, folds and puts away his own laundry and vacuums. He does other stuff here and there. He loves to cook us lunch.

My 5 year old son dusts, sprays the mirrors and windows, cleans the baseboards, mops, folds laundry and makes his bed.

My 2 year old helps clean up toys and can wipe down the table and just fun practicing things.

 

I want my kids to know how to do things around the house and keep a tidy house. My mom worked full-time and just didn't want us to clean because we didn't do it "good enough."

 

If my boys do a "shoddy" job I go with them into that room and supervise until they do it good. I know what is their best effort.

[*********]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

My dad and stepmom had my sisters and me do all the household chores. They owned a business, and both worked there. However, my stepmom worked less than 40 hours a week, and just didn't want to do household chores. My sisters and I were expected to spend all day Saturday cleaning the house. It breeded a lot of resentment in us towards our stepmom. However, I do use the skills I learned as a child now that I'm a wife. I just think they could have been taught to me in a more loving way.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

Because of how I was raised, I have a hard time giving my kids chores. I'm working on it. :tongue_smilie: I do involve them all as much as I can in my everyday work. I want them to know how to do laundry, how to clean, how to cook; even if I don't require them to do it by themselves on a regular basis. I like to have them 'help' me; of course, the older they get, the more real help they are.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

I always felt as a child that I had more chores than my friends. And now as a mom, I struggle sometimes with feeling like I don't give my kids enough chores.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

Well, I can relate to the whole 'I'm a SAHM, so chores are kinda my job' mentality. I mean, I don't have a huge family. I'm able to keep up with the housework for the most part, with minimal help. If I start having them do my chores, what am I gonna do, sit around and watch them work? I just can't bring myself to do that. I feel like my stepmom did that to me and my sisters growing up. Yep, I've got baggage. :tongue_smilie:

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

Well, just in my limited experience, yes. My stepkids have had a lot of responsiblity from a young age at their mom's house, because she was a single mom for a long time, and had to work. But here at dad's, they don't have to do much, because I stay at home.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

I have no experience with that, so I don't know.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

I don't really think that being spoiled or self-centered really relies on if a child had chores or not. It's more complicated than that, IMHO.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

Again, I think there's a lot more to it than just if the chores are regular/not optional or not. If you make chores a punishment, or a drudgery, or whatever, then possibly. But if the family outlook on chores is 'this is just what we do becuase we all work together as a family unit', then I don't think it has to be so awful.

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

With my stepkids, I don't give them many chores becuase they have lots of responsibilites at their mother's house. And as they are getting older, they have lots of school activities and what not going on, too. When they're here, they're just expected to pick up after themselves, and keep their rooms clean. Which they do. And dss takes the garbage out for me. Oh, and dsd is wonderful at just offering to help whenver she sees I could use a hand. As far as my little boys, I jsut want them to feel like 'chores' are just a part of everyday life, that everyone contributes to because we are a family, and we want our home to be clean, food to be cooked, etc.

 

Jenny

 

:)

[Remudamom]

We had a maid and a man who did the yard work. I did nothing. When I had an apartment my parents sent someone over to clean it. They always told me my job was to do well in school. My cousins were even worse off. They had a cook, too. I actually knew how to boil water.

 

My kids help on the ranch and in the house.

[Chez J]

I was in the same boat as you. My mother and I have talked about this. SHE grew up having to clean house every Saturday, all day. SHE never got to play on Saturday because of housework. Therefore, SHE did not want me to have the same drudgery as a child. So, she went to the opposite extreme and taught me nothing. LOL!

 

So ... I'm curious:

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? See above.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised? My expectation is that by the time my child leaves home, she is equipped to take care of herself, her home and her belongings.

 

10 YO is expected to take care of her bathroom and room. She cleans her bathroom on a daily chore schedule. She does one load of her own laundry herself each week. I do the rest or else she wouldn't get schoolwork done on that day. She takes out the trash. She helps me weed the garden.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is? not sure.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? Most people I know have housekeepers, lawn mowers and pool cleaners, so they don't have to bother with it. They call a handyman when something breaks. They pay to have their oil changed. Their children are learning the same.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? no see above

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative? no comment

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc) Yes, I often feel burdened by family who don't take care of themselves or their things. I know family who think staying at home means not having to work. Period. They dont' have to take care of anything. sigh.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? Not sure since my child is only 10. However I will say that it is hard for me to keep her on track since I myself don't do some of the things I expect of her. sigh. It's that learning disciple that I never had. Some things are just habits that need to become ingrained, like an instinct. Ie, always putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of in the sink. Put the hairbrush back in the drawer when done. Put books (toys) back on the shelf when done. Make a new file folder instead of letting the papers stack in a pile. sigh.

 

9) Any other thoughts? no

 

Jenny

 

Lesley

[rwjx2khsmj]

1) I grew up with chores, setting and clearing the table, picking up toys, etc.. Probably from the time I was 9 or 10 I had a list of jobs to complete each Saturday. My mom also expected help with the dishes and picking up around the house on a regular basis. I was also responsible for keeping my room relatively neat and making my bed daily.

 

I learned to do laundry and run the dishwasher before I was in high school though I didn't have to do either very often. I didn't like doing the chores but I understood that Mom didn't make all the messes so it was pretty ridiculous to think Mom should clean them all.

 

I've always been a list person so I liked getting my Saturday list and being able to cross off each chore as I completed it.

 

2) My kids have daily chores that include helping with dishes and their bedrooms + one additional room and bathroom in the house. Monday we dust, Tuesday we vacuum, Wednesday we do bathrooms, Thursday we change sheets and bring up laundry, Friday we put away laundry.

 

I don't like saving all the work for one day. I'd rather spread it out during the week by doing a bit at a time.

 

I do much less housework than my mother did.

 

3) I'm not sure what "our generation" is. Everyone I knew growing up had some level of chores.

 

4) I think the main reason kids don't get chores is that, frankly, it's easier to do the work yourself than to train someone else to do it correctly. I can clean a bathroom much more quickly and with much less hassle than I can get my 11 year old to clean the bathroom. Having my children clean requires a lot of effort and patience on my part.

 

 

5) Not necessarily. I think your beliefs concerning raising children to be independent adults determines how you feel about chores and also the energy you are able and willing to put toward that end.

 

6) I still wouldn't do housework if I didn't know it was an absolute necessity for the comfort and well being of my family.

 

7) (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc) I've know people with all these problems. I wouldn't say it was all due to lack of chores.

 

8) I think that it is a rare child (or adult) that truly enjoys the kind of labor involved it taking care of a house and yard. I think having a child participate in regular chores teaches them that sometimes you have to do things you don't like to do and that there is a sense of satisfaction with doing it anyway and with doing it well.

 

9) I think that allowing our children to learn that they can do chores and that they can do them well helps them find a sense of competence and satisfaction. Granted, it's not rocket science but there is something to be said for knowing that you can make a meal, clean a bathroom, run an appliance, set a table and be generally useful to others.

[J-rap]

I grew up with no chores, like you. Wait -- I did have to empty out the silverware in the dishwasher! Why the silverware only and not everything? I don't know. Did it ever occur to me to just empty everything anyway? No. I was not a mean and selfish kid, but doing chores just didn't occur to me, and my mother loved cooking and setting the table nicely, etc., herself.

My husband grew up complete opposite: family of 9, extremely organized, everyone had chores, changing from week to week. He continues to be appalled that I had none.

And continues to be appalled that I don't insist on them more with our own children. Oh, my children have more chores than I did, but I am too understanding... If they have a lot of homework, or something fun to do with friends, I'll just say "That's okay, I'll empty the dishwasher tonight!" Whereas my husband would say, "You don't do ANYthing until you've done your chores!" :001_smile: However, they do know things that other kids their age surprisingly do not know. They do their own laundry, they iron their own clothes, they change their own sheets, they all know how to cook (except my youngest). But they do not do all of those thing because I insisted on it. They were just interested in learning, I guess. (maybe I didn't clean their clothes often enough or cook quickly enough!)

My son and oldest daughter are now on their own and in their own apt., and now they do all their own chores. :) My son is actually married now, and his wife didn't do many chores growing up, so he is actually a step ahead of her: he knows how to cook! :) They'll figure it out. :)

I think if I worked full-time I'd be much more strict about sharing chores with my children.

Edited May 28, 2010 by jjhat7

[RahRah]

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like?

 

My mother, a SAHM did everything....so growing up my sister and I had no chores at all. I did love to cook though, so my mother taught me to cook, and I cook well - but she cleaned up the kitchen afterward!

 

What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

I did see what she did to clean and such, so I had an idea of what it took to clean a house when I was out on my own. I hate cleaning though - I'm very good at it when I do clean, but hate it, hate it, hate it. I'm working on convincing DH I really need a maid :tongue_smilie:

 

My sister on the other hand was more, oh, handicapped, when she left the house - she wasn't very observant grrowing up, so had very limited capabilities when it came to cleaning - she hates cleaning too and doesn't do it, so her house is a pig-sty, even with a cleaning lady! She also can't cook to save herself.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

When DS turned five, we introduced chores and an allowance. If over five days (M-F) he takes care of his responsibilities, he earns his allowance (small pittance, but he's five, what does he need?)....if he doesn't do his chores, he does not earn his allowance.

What's different - he's got chores! What's similar - I had an allowance, but it was a given, just for being....I'd prefer DS earn his since in the real world you have to work to earn.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

Various friends growiing up had chores - others didn't....I think it's probably always been that way.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

Not sure. I know with my mom it was more of her thinking we'd not do things by her standard, so it was easier to do it herself.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

Totally depends on the circumstances and finances....I know quite a few familes here, where I live, two parents working, wealthy - they hire others to do the day-to-day stuff and their kids have no chores. I know others with a SAHM and the kids have chores, others don't.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

heck no - LOL

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

My sister is a good example - we grew up in the same house, with different outcomes on taking care of ourselves and our homes.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

I'll let you know in a few years - at the moment, DS is thrilled with his responsibilities and does them well.

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

Jenny

 

.

[The Girls' Mom]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? My parents worked. By the age of 9 I was babysitting my 3 year old brother, and was expected to be able to clean anything. By 11 or so, I was expected to be able to cook meals. (they weren't fancy, but we got fed)

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised? I expect my girls to leave home already knowing how to run a home. They do not have the burdens of caretaking that I did at a young age, but they are being taught how to do everything. In our house, we are all expected to contribute in some way.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is? It wasn't typical where I grew up. Most kids I knew had to do some chores, and many were like my family.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? I think many think of it as a way of showing love. I think you are doing a dis-service to your child if they grow up never learning basic household tasks.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? In many cases, yes. At least that was the reason for it when I was a child. In our case, it's different since I do not work. BUT we also have a lot more messes because all of us are home all day.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative? No, not in my experience. I have seen a child begin to try to clean a filthy house when no one else would and they got old enough for it to bother them.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc) I think just the chore isn't alone isn't going to form their character. But I do think it's a needless struggle that some adults have to go through.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? No. Kids will often do a shoddy job, just because they are kids. I was made to do it all as a kid, and I don't despise anything except putting away my clean clothes :lol: And I have no logical reason for that!

 

9) Any other thoughts?

[JoyfulMama]

Wow - that's a lot of questions - and I won't answer them all.

 

My mom cleaned houses when she was in high school and in college. She did a lot of chores at her own house as well, as both of her parents worked.

My mom didn't work outside the home until I was in high school. She was very clear about her view that household chores were anything but fun or good. My dad wanted us to do chores, but didn't desire to teach anyone more than one time how to do said chores. So we didn't do any chores until my mom went back to work. My younger brother and I took on responsibility of doing some laundry and some cooking (not so well, but we had good intentions). We weren't taught how to do these things, and picked up what we could from years of not really paying attention, as it was never our job. (The one thing I loved to do was wash dishes.) Yet we saw an exhausted mom and we were both frustrated with the messy house.

When I went to college I was supposed to know how to do things I never had responsibility for at home. I learned from watching friends at college, whose mothers had shared with them the best way to get stains out of carpets and such.

I want my children to know how to run their own household (apt) by the time they are 18, whether they are living at home or beyond. I want them to not see household chores as dreaded parts of the day/week. I want them to be able to prepare healthy meals for themselves and others. I want them to find joy in the caring for their environments.

 

My kids have regular chores they do, and they participate in regular work times where we all do some extra work to keep the house clean. My oldest LOVES to wash windows - a task I have NEVER asked her to do. Yesterday she hung up the wash on the line ALL BY HERSELF. I try hard to keep a very positive attitude about keeping the house comfortable, and they work hard for that too. When we can spend 30 mins working hard, then all have lots of time to do other things together, it is very rewarding. And so is working side by side to get chores done - some great moments in that.

[lllll]

..

Edited December 26, 2012 by ksva

[JustGin]

I grew up dirt poor in a single parent, all girl household. We learned to clean and cook and be very self sufficient early on. I have plenty of memories of fun and play, so we did share the load and I'm sure my three older sisters, the youngest of which is 5 years older than I, did a lot more. For one thing, beside the housework, they had to take care of the babies, my younger sister and I.

We also had a grandma who was the world's best housekeeper and had two ways of doing everything, the wrong way and her way. She lived with us off and on, or very close by and I credit her with much of my housekeeping skill. :)

 

As for my dc? They are 12, 13 and 14 (almost 15) and all three of them can cook and clean. They all do their own laundry. Over the years, as they've grown I've adapted the chores and any rewards involved to fit ages and stages and recently we started this policy:

 

I divided the family chores up into three areas, each child gets one for a week by luck of the draw. Floors, bathrooms and dusting/wiping. These chores are just part of what needs to be done to keep the house tidy and the family functioning. Then each can have an allowance chores which is a chore he or she contracts with us to do long term in exchange for "allowance". The older and younger are trading work for their cell phones and free transportation. Middle dd is just beginning to trade for credit towards flute lessons in the fall. We do an accounting on Saturday nights and if the child didn't do his/her family chores, then allowance chores don't get credit which means the cell phone use is suspended for a week, transportation cost $1.00 per trip and no credit is earned toward the lessons. We want them to put family first, then have an opportunity to show they can handle work for pay with the goal of being allowed to take on an outside, for pay job. Without intentionally setting it up this way, this is how oldest dd worked her way up to having a real job. With the younger two we are making the process more tangible.

 

Our purpose for having the children work has always been to teach them a) the value of work b) the reward of work and c) the skills they will need as adults. It's not because I'm lazy, I'm not, but because I am raising adults. :)

Edited May 28, 2010 by JustGin

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? When I was in grade school we had weekly chores. I remember liking it when my chore was dusting because I got to pick up the pretty knick-knacks.

 

Once I was 11, I went to boarding school. I had to learn to do all my own laundry then. Food was provided in the cafeteria but if you were really bad you had to peel potatoes or run the industrial dishwasher.

 

When I was 15 and home for the summer, my mom had cancer. She just shut down emotionally. All of a sudden I was expected to do all the housework and all the cooking. That was the only fall when I was glad to go back to boarding school. I

 

n college, I lived in a campus apartment for the last 2 years and did all my own cleaning and cooking (shared some with my roommate).

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

My kids do daily chores (about 1 hours worth). They can cook simple things. My ds(almost 13) can do simple cooking and dd8 can assist me in the kitchen.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

I had a lot less chores than both my parents but they were born in the 20's. Technology has made a huge difference in how my siblings and I were raised.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

My mom was a housewife but special circumstances (boarding school and then her cancer) made it necessary for me to learn those things quickly.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

No

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

No

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

Not if it is part of participation in a loving family.

 

9) Any other thoughts? Can't think of any

 

Jenny

 

*

[GrayAlice]

My mother was a terrible housekeeper and my father did nothing to help the situation. My brothers and I were never expected to do anything except help clean the day before company came over (which was seldom).

 

Obviously I grew up in an incredibly cluttered and, at times, dirty home. It took me a long time to find my stride in being a good housekeeper myself. I still struggle with it sometimes but have gotten much better at it since I had kids.

 

My husband and I bought our first house last summer and it is the first time in my life that I have had a dishwasher. What a wonderful appliance!

 

Kristen

[gingersmom]

As embarrassing as it is to say this, I'm one of those people who had next to no chores when I grew up.

 

Why would you be embarrassed?

 

I had no chores growing up. I never could understand why kids did. To tell the truth I looked down on kids who had chores. I figured there was something wrong with their family.

 

We had a nanny/housekeeper when I was younger and then someone who cleaned the house once a week when I was older (and had no need for nanny). We always had a gardener. My father could not even change a lightbulb so there was always a handyman, plumber, electrician, jack of all trades present.

 

I had an aunt and uncle who had a husband/wife who lived/worked for them (driver, chef, etc). I just figured everyone lived like this.

 

Now that my kids are older I ask them to help out. Not because it is a "chore". But because it is our house, our laundry, our mess and if they want a clean house then everyone needs to pitch in. If no one pitches in it won't get done.

 

I want my kids to enjoy their childhood to the max. There is plenty of time for dusting and cleaning toilets later in life.

[myfunnybunch]

So ... I'm curious:

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

I was made to do chores. It helped me because I knew how to do household tasks. It hampered me because it made me not want to do them. Chores were always presented to me as a specific and unrelated list of things to do for someone else (mop the kitchen and put away the dishes and vacuum the living room), rather than a sequence of events meant to accomplish a specific purpose (making the home clean) as a way of contributing to the family. When I was growing up, our chores were the things my mom didn't want to deal with, which doubly made me see chores as something undesirable. Not that I think it's all my mother's fault, I also think it is a part of my nature to not enjoy that kind of work.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

They have a chore list too. But I do make it clear to the children that their help is invaluable, and connect what they are doing to a larger goal, a clean home for all of us. I ask for their help with other tasks, too. I help them when I am not busy. I really encourage them to pitch in and help one another with chores, and we often clean together. As my teens have gotten older, I have taught them "How to Clean a Bathroom" and "How to Clean the Kitchen" because I wanted them to understand that it's a routine and a sequence, and I made sure that they understood that part of my goal was to prepare them for adulthood.

 

I am trying to instill in my children (and myself) a sense that chores can be satisfying in a different way, that there is a contentment and satisfaction to be found in caring for the space in which we live.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

Hmm....my guess is that it varies from family to family as it always has. My oldest dd was both appalled and envious that her best friends did not have to do chores. I had dear friends growing up who had chores, no chores, did housework as a family, and we all have clean homes and yards as adults.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

• It's easier to do it yourself than it is to teach a child.
  
• "Kids should get to be kids," meaning that chores are a burden that children should not have to take on because childhood is for carefree play.
  
• It's not their job. Mom (usually, though I suppose there are some families in which it's Dad) is the caretaker of the home.
  
• The family employs a weekly house cleaner to do that.
  
• Kids have too much homework, juggle a job and school, are too busy to do chores.
  

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

Nope. I think it has far more to do with the parents' views on childhood and responsibility than it does with whether or not the mother has a job outside the home.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

Yes.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

I don't think these problems stem from not being given chores. I think that not being given chores can, in some families, be indicative of a larger problem that creates spoiled self-centered children. And in some families, it's not and the children grow up to be fine, responsible people who care well for their homes.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

Sometimes. As above, it has a lot more to do with the relationship between parent and child and the personality of the child than it does with requiring (or not) regular chores.

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

I firmly believe in regular chores. But I don't believe it's as simple as "I had chores, therefore I hate housework" or "I had chores, therefore I am responsible" or "I didn't have chores, therefore I am responsible/not responsible." I believe that regular chores are a tool for teaching about responsibility, shared work, self-care and care for others, getting off your duff when you don't want to, peace in a home, but not the only tool or the end-all and be-all of responsibility. (Don't tell my kids that. ;) )

 

Cat

Edited May 28, 2010 by myfunnybunch

[Jenny in GA]

Why would you be embarrassed?

 

 

Well, it doesn't sound very good, does it? Picture a 20-something asking their roommate to explain to them how to do laundry, because they don't know. Their mother -- or the maid -- always did it for them. It kinda screams "spoiled."

 

People don't generally want to hire or befriend adults who generally seem incapable, dependent, and unable to "pull their own load" -- which is generally how somebody who has never cleaned a toilet, scrubbed a tub,vacuumed, mopped a floor, cooked a meal, or done a load of laundry may very well come across.

 

I think there is a certain passiveness that comes with never doing those things. I know it was that way for me. It you are twenty years old and have hardly ever done any of those things, you're not really aware of the fact that they need to be done -- you just sort of go about doing your own thing, unaware of those sort of needs. Which I think can lead you to be unaware of other needs too.

 

I guess this may not be true of everybody, but it was certainly true of me, and it seems like a logical result.

 

Jenny

[laughing lioness]

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like?

Both parents worked. My older (by one year) sis and I did much of the housework, most of the cooking from (age 8 on), mowing, yard work, painting when needed, etc.

What helped you, and what hampered you? What helped you? Hmm. My sister. What hampered? Constant criticism of not doing things right. Little to no instruction.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? They participate in housework/ jobs/ etc. They can all (from age 12 on) cook, clean, do laundry. How is it different from how you were raised? They are instructed in what to do, given help. Hopefully, not treated with disdain for mistakes.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

I'm probably older than you (47) but I think it was typical for my peers to have had chores. My dh certainly did.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? They like doing it themselves so much? They don't trust their kids?

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? That was the case with my family of origin but not with my family of generation. I think families where both parents are at work and kids at school, the house stays cleaner. Our house is VERY lived in. My growing up home had white shag carpet with 3 teenagers living there- it was always clean and tidy!

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative? My youngest would be this child. She LOVES to clean!

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc) Ayup.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? I think the outcome has to do with expectations and inspection. My kids jobs aren't done till they've been checked. They are expected to do it until it meets the standard.

I did resent the work we did growing up, becasue there were unreasonably high expectations with little to no instruction, lots of criticism and little, if any reward. By the time I reached high school, I was working almost full time, in several bands and choirs and took college prep courses. I was never home. Lots of reasons for this, but one of them was to avoid the work there.

My kids do work hard. They are expected to. We try to build in rewards, especially if it's a particularly nasty job, including verbal affirmations, and treats when warranted.

9) Any other thoughts?

I think the ability to work hard is a value that is diminishing. My 2 older dd's are both in jobs where they are both LOVED by management due to their work ethic. My oldest dd is asked constantly if she is international (because she works like "someone from a 3rd world" and my 2nd dd has been told by peers at work to "stop showing everyone up." Her reponse: "I was hired to work, and that's what I'm going to do."

 

 

Jenny

 

Intersting set of questions!

[Jenny in GA]

 

 

 

• It's not their job. Mom (usually, though I suppose there are some families in which it's Dad) is the caretaker of the home.

 

 

Ah.

I think that was it exactly.

 

What's also interesting to me is how my mother acts about my kids doing chores. (She lives in town.)

 

For example, I she came over to watch the kids one day while I went to the doctor. I said to both my mother and my oldest child, "Please have Oldest put away this load of laundry while I'm gone."

 

When I came home, my mother said to me, "I took care of the laundry, because I didn't want Oldest to do it."

 

Also, many years ago, my mother was upset about a relative -- a married man -- who commented that he was ironing his shirts. My mother thought it was just awful that the wife wasn't ironing the shirts.

 

"Yeah, well she works FT too," I said.

 

"It doesn't matter," my mother said.

 

So I'm guessing that, for some reason, it is ingrained in her head that a wife/mother needs to be responsible for those things, and if not, said woman is shirking her duties/being irresponsible/lazy.

 

Just some thoughts ...

 

Jenny

[Imprimis]

 

I want my kids to enjoy their childhood to the max. There is plenty of time for dusting and cleaning toilets later in life.

 

Pretty much the same words my mother used.

 

I had little to no chores growing up. No housekeepers or nannies, Mom did it all.

 

On the one hand I appreciate that my mom wanted me to spend my childhood, well, being a child, but, I can honestly say, it left me unprepared for keeping a home of my own. I paid no attention to even basic housekeeping as a kid because I didn't have to.

 

When I became an adult and had my own house for the first time, I was like a deer in the headlights. It was a bit overwhelming for me, to say the least.

 

Frankly, I still struggle to maintain a neat and orderly home.

 

Because of this, I feel it's important kids learn good home organization skills. I do assign chores to my kids, and they're all expected to pitch in whenever I need their help. They don't have huge chore lists, but, unlike me when I was a kid, they understand why it's important to know how to keep order in a home.

[misidawnrn]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? I was the oldest of 5. I was doing dishes, babysitting siblings, kids baths and bedtime, laundry, sweeping in the 3rd grade!!!! Way too young IMO!

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised? My 6yo (it was the same wiyh my 19yo, who is now on his own) helps pick up toys in the living room, keeps her own room clean, un loads the dryer for me, and folds her own clothes. If she wants to help me I let her rinse the dishes but it isn't mandatory at this age. I do not expect her to help with the baby but she likes to make bottles and tries to change diapers sometimes.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is? My DH grew up like you. His mom did his laundry even in college. He would bring it home and mommy would wash, dry and fold it. But...he was expected (still is at age 44) to help his dad with outside "man" stuff. My stepdaughters are 15 and 18 and aren't expected to do any chores at their moms and boy howdy!!!! they are lazy!!! (I know people hate that word here but they are!) they won;t even take their dirty dishes to the kitchen unless I get after them, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor is acceptable to them and they protest to do the dishes. They even told me they shouldn't have to do them because it is MY house and I should do them...don't get me started on the arguement that followed!!!! I think that the younger generation is not as disciplined as older generations but I am not going to go there.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? Perhaps because they want their kids to be "kids", give them the choice to help and not make it mandatory ??? I don't know.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? Yes

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?No, DH is 44 and still doesn't do laundy, dishes, swepping etc. Before we got married 2 years ago, he had a housekeeper do it for him!

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)Yes...my stepdaughters. I love them to death and they are good girls but I hate to think of what their houses will look like when they grow up!

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? no. If you teach them to do things right and do a good job the first time, they will take pride in doing a good job. If you let them slack and don't correct them, they will do a shoddy job.

 

9) Any other thoughts? here is a good example...(I apologize for again using my stepdaughters but their mom and I have obviously different opinions on housekeeping so it works well for this)

Stepdaughter did the dishes...doesn't wash the outside of plates, doesn't even let the cups touch water I am afraid since it will still have fresh milk in it when it is "clean" and won't wash the outsides of pans and they will still be very greasy. She also wouldn't wipe off the counter or the stove. (I consider that as part of doing the dishes) I asked her one day "doesn't your mom make you wipe off the stove and the counters and make sure the dishes are clean???" to which she replied "we don't have to wipe off the stove or counters, the maid does it and if the dishes aren't clean we run the dishwasher again":confused::confused: So, I responded (in the nicest non confrontational way I could) "well, we don't have a maid or a dishwasher so we do clean the counters, stove and make sure the dishes are appropriately clean for the next person to eat off of here so please do a better job."

There is no way in heck that they are going to all of a sudden become fabulous housekeepers when they haven't ever been expected to pick up after themselves or do a complete job right the first time. They will grow up doing a half a$$ job or having a maid or living in a pigstye....trust me...I keep the door to their room closed because it utterly disgusts me!

I don't believe that young children should be expected to clean the entire house top to bottom, take complete care of the younger siblings etc but I do believe that they should be given jobs at young ages, like taking the bathroom garbage to the kitchen garbage, then when older, taking the garbage out to the alley, folding wash cloths then younger then putting them away when older, etc etc.

On this note... I also will not "pay" my kids for doing chores. They will do them because they are part of this household and family members work together to make the house run smoothly. I will however put a dollar in the dryer every once in a while because we have a rule in our house that whoever does the laundry gets to keep what ever money they find. DD loves finding a dollar!!! The other day she found 5 $1.00 bills in the dryer...oops! and she got to keep it all! She was very excited!

 

Jenny

 

Sorry this was so long.

Edited May 28, 2010 by misidawnrn
changed colors for better visiblity

[m4given]

So ... I'm curious:

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? Work was a major part of my upbringing, but I think more was required of my older siblings. I wish that I was more encouraged in certain areas such as with food -cooking,gardening,canning. I helped with all those areas, but wish that I was taught in how to be more independent with it. I still learn from my parents, especially in the area of gardening/plants because I ask lots of questions now.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? Goal:To be independent & function well with caring for themselves, but be able to ask for help when needed. So now - they participate with all aspects of "keeping house" - outside work & inside work. They are given age appropriate chores to do, and we're working on "picking up" after themselves. They don't work as long on certain projects as we (my dh & I) do. We try to give them lots of time to play - but 1st comes work.

How is it different from how you were raised? I am attempting to be more focused on promoting independence -- I'm not sure I'm able to communicate this well. I guess another way to say it is that we're taking it to a richer degree. Learning safety with responsibilities & allowing/encouraging children to try things while still young. Mowing comes to mind - I believe I started much later with this than my oldest.

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is? Well, I may be older than you! Depends too in what circles you ran around with. Within my circle & my age group, chores/work were a great emphasis. It all was part of being a family. We worked together to help things run smoothly. It was what was expected, I didn't know any other way.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? Sometimes my Mother would tell us,"You have lots of studies to do. I'll do the dishes." This was not a regular thing growing up, but would happen at times. Maybe people want their kids to focus on other things & put a lot less emphasis on working around the house.

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? I really think it depends on the philosophy of the home.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? *If our kids do shoddy job because of little or no effort, then they get to re-do! :)

*I try to adjust our morning routine some. For instance, with "clothing care" they may fold laundry, put away, or iron or put the clothes in the washer or hang it out on the line. Variety & Spice helps even me.

 

*Life is full of repetition. Even I need to learn how to deal with repetitive chores - kitchen, laundry, cleaning, gardening (hoe & weed) and so on. I try to teach our girls how to have fun while doing the mundane. All in the attitude.

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

Jenny

 

Teaching our kids how to work is of great importance with my dh and I. But of most importance for us is balance. We love to play too!!!

[Allearia]

I had no chores and I think it has hampered my life hugely. This is a big reason I am not a believer in unschooling--I wish I had learned discipline in childhood so I didn't struggle so much now. I think doing everything and not requiring anything of your kids leads to lazy kids (except for a few I'm sure who do learn on their own, but I am not one of those and not willing to risk that my kids would turn out to be one of those.)

 

I have not been good so far about requiring my kids to do chores but it is something I regret but feel I still have a good number of years to have them do chores before leaving home.

[Mom-ninja.]

What is also curious to me is that I used to read unschooling forums and lists a LOT, and a big big principle in the unschooling community is that kids should not have chores.

 

The idea is that you give them the "gift" of cleaning up after them happily, they will not see housework as a pain, and will eventually naturally begin to clean up happily themselves (although it might take them several years to start doing so.)

 

 

I sure don't follow that line of thinking. ;)

 

 

 

 

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

 

I had a lot of chores. I started doing the family laundry when I was 10. I was folding it way before then but at 10 is when I started washing it as well. I did everything except cook. That was the one thing my mom did herself. Everything else was fair game for me. I even changed and fed my little sister (she's 7 years younger). When she was a toddler and preschooler I did everything for her. I brushed her teeth, got her dressed, did her hair, cleaned her room, and so forth. I was like one of the older Duggar girls. :tongue_smilie: I often think of that and wonder why I haven't gotten around to having my 9 yr old change diapers....

 

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

 

I expect them to contribute to the running and upkeep of the home. They live here, they contribute. One thing (big thing!) is that I have all boys and I expect them to do chores. While I did a big portion of chores growing up, my brother did very few things. He mowed the grass and took out the garbage. That was it. He never mopped, dusted, did laundry, helped with my little sister, took care of the pets, etc. My mom said as a boy he was not expected to do those things. :glare:

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

 

It wasn't typical for me to not have chores! All my friends had chores that I remember. It does seem that kids my boys' age do not have as many chores as my kids. I don't think my boys do a lot. There are people who are shocked when I tell them what my boys do for chores. Still doesn't seem like a lot to me.

 

 

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

 

 

I think some parents feel a child's focus should be on academics, and not on chores.

 

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

 

No. My mom was a housewife and yet I did a lot at home.

 

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

 

NA :D

 

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

 

I did not know how to cook. Well, I could "cook" by processed foods standards as in open box, dump out contents, and cook according to box. However, I did not know how to truely cook meals from stratch. I never knew that mashed potatoes came from real potatoes and not a box until I met my dh!

 

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

 

No. Chores are necessary. That's life. Now, one's attitude about chores is up to you. I try to teach my kids about their blessings and to be grateful even for chores. Angry for having to clean your room? You have a room....many do not. Irritated washing the dishes after a meal? Many do not have regular meals.

 

If my kids do a shoddy job they have to start over. They tend to not do shoddy jobs. It's the same with lessons. Not all lessons are fun and exciting but they still must be done. If my kids do shoddy work on assignments they must do it again.

 

I'm mean. :D

 

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

 

I now understand why my dad gave me work to do if I ever complained of being bored. He's a genius.

[myfunnybunch]

I said to both my mother and my oldest child, "Please have Oldest put away this load of laundry while I'm gone."

 

When I came home, my mother said to me, "I took care of the laundry, because I didn't want Oldest to do it."

 

This was my MIL.

 

She told me repeatedly that she felt sorry for my kids having to work so hard, and she did their chores for them while she was here. She really felt like housework wasn't a child's job. (She's since changed her tune and regularly compliments me on teaching the kids to take care of the home. I kept telling her, "I'm raising them to take care of themselves! The boys' wives will love me!" LOL)

 

BUT my dh didn't have to do a lick of work around the house except taking out the trash, and he is a hard worker inside and out. So she didn't screw him up too much. :D

 

Cat

[Ravin]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

We definitely had chores growing up. Mom used a number of different schemes over the years for who did what, but usually there was some sort of rotation so that eventually you learned how to do everything that needed doing around the house. Some were short-lived (After breaking the lawn mower 3 times in a row they stopped having me mow the lawn, lol), others I did off and on for years (vacuuming out the car was one I particularly disliked). Some chores we'd find ourselves doing more of if we complained--my mom once went on a laundry strike for a month when we were teenagers because she was tired of us forgetting to bring laundry to the laundry room or putting away our clean clothes.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

I expect DD to help as much as she is able. Since she is so far an only and pretty young there are only so many chores I've found I know she can do.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

I think it varies widely. My best childhood friend had chores growing up, but they were usually the same few things week after week for years, so she never had a handle on all the different things that needed doing. She's never been much of a housekeeper--but then neither am I.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

No idea. I met a girl in boot camp who'd never used a broom before. Like, huh? :confused:

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

Not necessarily, but maybe.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

DD has to be reminded to do most things, but some things she'll voluntarily jump in and help with. I always try to reinforce that attitude with thank-yous at least.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

I do think if they don't learn as kids they'll sink or swim later. The girl who didn't know how to use a broom sure learned quickly in boot!

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

No more so than having to do them myself causes me to despise them and do a shoddy job. :tongue_smilie:

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

I just remembered I need to go hang out the laundry!:lol:

Edited May 28, 2010 by Ravin

[lllll]

..

[Lovedtodeath]

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative? My niece did when she was 17 and lived here with us, but that was mainly because I had a toddler and my floors were almost always sticky.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

My mom had three children to do the chores. My mother did the laundry (though we had to bring it to her and put it away) and cleaned her own bedroom and bathroom. We did everything else. After my sister got married when I was 10 she had two children to do the chores and she still only did the laundry (though we had to put it away. A clean and tidy home was considered more important than all else, and as I said the children did most of it. I got married young and promptly fell into being spoiled and lazy. It has been rare that my home is what my mom would consider clean and tidy. Very rare if ever.

 

My DH had a mother who worked outside the home and generally did very little housework. She required all of her kids to clean their own room and bathroom and do their own laundry. He married me and promptly decided that all housework was my job. I don't really know that how one is raised really affects your taking that responsibility as an adult. I think it is a personality thing and a choice.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? Yes

[Peela]

I didn't do many chores as a kid but it wasnt for lack of being told- its just that my mother didnt know how to make me do them consistently. She would keep me on and make me clean my room all day Saturday every few weeks. She would ask me to clean up after myself when I was in the kitchen being creative, but she wasnt good at making sure I did, so she resented me cooking. She meant well. She didnt like housework herself, and did have a cleaner when I was younger. But she wasnt good at helping me make routines, or break down my room into sections, that sort of thing.

 

I was terrible at keeping house until I lived on my own for 18 months when my kids were about 6 and 8 years old. My husband was older than me and was very good at keeping house and it was the source of many arguments that I was not. He couldnt understand or relate to my lack of skill or even a sense of being house proud. I just didn't get it and it was always a struggle. It definitely was one factor that contributed to our separation- arguments over housework, especially since he had clients at home.

 

When on my own, a cousin put me onto Flylady and it honestly changed my life radically. Suddenly things started to make sense- there was a way to make it all come together. I stayed with Flylady for years. Soon after that I started homeschooling- I can't image having done it in my previous state of overwhelm and chaos. And soon after that, dh and I moved back in together.

 

So my approach to my kids comes out of my own background. I want them to at least know how to do it all. They do their own washing. I teach them to do their rooms in bits. I have them clean parts of the house. They are learning routines. They look after the pets- something I wasn't good at.

 

I don't see myself as a servant to my children. I do love to do things for them, and sometimes it is easier to clean up after them than to get them to do it...but I don't think it helps in the long run to do it too much. I wish my mother had foudn a way to compassionately and lovingly teach me how to take care of myself. I would have loved her to come and hlep me clean my room and talk to me. I do remember her teaching me how to clean the bathroom basin and I enjoyed that job. I have tried to make cleaning a bit fun for my kids- and break it down to small tasks. 10 minute tidies. Music. A sense of humour. Encouragement. Just trying to find my own way, trying to do it better than my mum. Maybe they will do even better with their kids.

[OrganicAnn]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

My mom was a homemaker. She taught us how to do laundry, clean and cook. But she was one of these people who would get frustrated with us doing cleaning and would clean herself, but then get all martyr about it. So sometimes she expect a lot, but most of the time she did it herself and complained. But we knew how to everything. She also taught my sister and I how to sew, knit, crochet, embroidery, etc

 

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

We like to have simple but consistent. Since that was most lacking in my own experience. I don't think kids will naturally pick up chores.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

Yes fewer. Maybe more than some subsequent generations. My mother grew up on a farm and had farm chores and we had lot less chores than her generation.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

I'm sure there are many reasons.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

Just like stay at home moms, I think it varies depending on the individual.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

I have not known any (except as adults who had to).

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

Usually the chores are not the deciding factor in the spoiled type personality. It is usually just one of many related parenting/behavior issues. And giving chores alone won't 'fix' the kids, though it might be the beginning of changes that could help.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

No. I do think it depends on the parents attitude to the chores. If the parents makes them punitive or does not require a good job, then they will more likely to despise and do a shoddy job. If the attitude is that 'we all work together' and 'we all have a job' and 'wow you are finally old enough to do this important job.' then you have a better results.

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

Parents attitude/consistency to chores is very important.

[hillfarm]

I grew up in and still live in a rural area where being self sufficient is a highly cherished trait. One of the common insults about someone here is, "He could watch work being done all day long."

 

I believe that doing chores taught me self discipline and gave me a sense of being a contributor to my family. I definitely choose to extend those same "gifts" to my dd. I can't imagine handicapping her by not doing so.

 

I teach chores to dd by working along side her, or by both of us working at set tasks at the same time. She is 11 now, and can do most of the household chores with some supervision. By the time she is 13, I hope that she will have the skills to be able to run a household completely by herself, if she had to. However, as long as I am physically able, I expect that we will share the chores between us and rotate them occasionally for variety.

[Heidi]

I grew up doing chores only occasionally. I was a latch-key kid. My mom worked and would come home late, leave early. No one was there to make me do chores, and why in the world would I volunteer?

 

I've been thinking a lot about this as well. I am well aware that I have never learned to work or value work, and it bothers me. I know I cannot pass that quality on to my children if I don't own it in the first place.

 

I think work is a principle that brings happiness, like integrity, virtue, and thrift are principles of happiness. As a society we are moving away from all of these.

 

So. I'm trying to learn and develop the principle of work in my own life and encourage my children to learn it with me. I've found that when they are moping around the house irritable and bored, that if I put them to work, even though they initially whine and complain, they end up being in better moods. I've noticed that with myself as well.

We're a work in progress. That's why I home school!

[justhisbest]

Let's face it... chores stink. I had to do very few of them as a child, always viewed them as punishment and grumbled and complained when I first became a wife and a mother that I had so much work to do. However, I will never forget an experience I had with a family early in my mommyhood days and it entirely changed my view on the whole idea of "chores".

 

The family that blessed me explained that it all boiled down to relationships and the key to every relationship is humility. Of course our sinful nature would have us serve no one other than ourselves, but when we humble ourselves before one another we will serve one another. There are so many great and practical Scripture references on this but one of my favorites is, "Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another." -Romans 12:10

 

When we teach our children to serve one another (and model it as well ourselves) "chores" do not become relegated to some separate job that has to be done "or else". Hope this makes sense.

 

Of course, there is always the "no work, no eat" principle as well.... :)

[secular_mom]

I did not have 'chores' as a child.

I could not STAND it if the bathroom was dirty- that's where I went to get CLEAN, and I didn't think I'd get clean if the tub was dirty, etc. So at a young age I started cleaning the bathroom. It was obvious to me how to do it, I just wasn't sure of what products to use so I'd ask my mom. She DID clean the house, I just liked for the bathroom to be cleaner. :)

I'm a detail person too, I remember spending a whole day scrubbing the kitchen cabinets and the handles and they looked great. My mom is more of a 'big picture' person.

 

I always thought that it was obvious HOW to clean things, and that if you had an issue you couldn't solve on your own you'd ask your friends/parents/aunts/cousins etc. or get a tip from a book or magazine.

 

My oldest has taught me that cleaning is NOT a skill that all people are born with. ;) She is a teen and I still have to talk her through some things step by step, sometimes more than once if it's been a while since she's done a certain 'chore'. My 3rd child is a LOT like me, and if she sees me cleaning the kitchen she'll either ask to help or just start helping. She's really good with a whisk broom and dustpan.

[elegantlion]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

My mom didn't make us do anything. I think my sister and I made spaghetti once in a great while. Mom is a lovely person, but she'd rather do it herself than teach. She likes to be busy. I even moved back home after a messy divorce in my early 20s. She did my laundry and made my bed.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

I say dh trained me. :D His household dynamic was much different. 5 kids, mom was a widower who worked and went to school full time, they did the housework. Plus dh is inherently cleaner than me.

 

Ds has regular weekly chores, plus dishwasher and trash duty. We had a portable dishwasher as a kid and mom never used it. She still hand washes most of her dishes. Plus I'm a momma's girl and could get out of things so easily. Ds doesn't have that luxury. Ironically dh supervises the chores on Saturday morning.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

IDK. We grew up in suburbia and most of the moms stayed at home. Kids were out running around all over the neighborhood all hours of the day and night. I remember a few times kids having to run home and do chores or boys learning to mow the lawn.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

 

IDK? I do think it's part of my job as a parent/teacher to show them how ds to maintain a home. I felt ill-prepared to take care of a house. I don't want ds to feel that way. I also expect him to be more than willing to engage in household chores to help his future wife. My dad does zero housework. My mom enjoys doing things for him, but the guy can cook toast and pop something in the microwave. I worry about his eating habits if something would happen to my mom.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

As a guess, probably. My ds is 12 and will ask me to pour him juice in the morning. He is quite capable, but he loves me doing it for him. I think pouring juice is a love language for him.

 

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

*snort* I would not naturally do chores now. I will straighten and sweep and even clean a toilet bowl, but given the opportunity I'd wait and let someone else do it.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

As I said before I was ill-prepared on how to take care of house, cook, have a cleaning schedule. It caused some early clashes in our marriage. Thankfully dh doesn't mind pitching in. He and ds vaccuum because I have allergies, they clean the bathrooms because the cleaners make me gag. I've very sensitive to chemical odors. If I lived on my own I'd probably do okay.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

No. Dh models good behavior by doing chores with him if he can. We've been through the stage where dh would check his work and have him redo anything. I have no clue what ds will be like as an adult. He may rebel and be a slob, but I don't think so. He never leaves clothes on the floor, lying all over his dresser, yes, the floor, no. His bedroom is pretty neat and organized for what he has to work with.

 

9) Any other thoughts?

 

I think my view of chores (even though I'm still kind of spoiled) is a direct result of NOT doing chores as a kid. Dh may never make his kids do chores as a result, but who knows.

 

Jenny

[Lovedtodeath]

I grew up doing chores only occasionally. I was a latch-key kid. My mom worked and would come home late, leave early. No one was there to make me do chores, and why in the world would I volunteer?

 

I've been thinking a lot about this as well. I am well aware that I have never learned to work or value work, and it bothers me. I know I cannot pass that quality on to my children if I don't own it in the first place.

 

I think work is a principle that brings happiness, like integrity, virtue, and thrift are principles of happiness. As a society we are moving away from all of these.

 

So. I'm trying to learn and develop the principle of work in my own life and encourage my children to learn it with me. I've found that when they are moping around the house irritable and bored, that if I put them to work, even though they initially whine and complain, they end up being in better moods. I've noticed that with myself as well.

We're a work in progress. That's why I home school!

Thank you.

 

When we teach our children to serve one another (and model it as well ourselves) "chores" do not become relegated to some separate job that has to be done "or else". Hope this makes sense.

It is also so much better if we work together in the same area instead of doing separate chores.

 

I always thought that it was obvious HOW to clean things, and that if you had an issue you couldn't solve on your own you'd ask your friends/parents/aunts/cousins etc. or get a tip from a book or magazine.

 

My oldest has taught me that cleaning is NOT a skill that all people are born with. ;) She is a teen and I still have to talk her through some things step by step, sometimes more than once if it's been a while since she's done a certain 'chore'. My 3rd child is a LOT like me, and if she sees me cleaning the kitchen she'll either ask to help or just start helping. She's really good with a whisk broom and dustpan.

Yep. I need the talking through things. My brain is too disorganized.

[MariannNOVA]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? I was assigned things that were my responsibility: watering the rose bushes; vacuuming the pool; twice a week, it was my job to vacuum and dust four bedrooms, living and dining room and family room, clean three bathrooms, and on Saturdays, I ironed handkerchiefs and pillowcases. We had a cleaning woman who came two days a week who did everything that I did PLUS she cleaned the kitchen. In the summer, it was my job to make lunch (usually tuna fish) before we left for the club (yes, we had an inground pool and we belonged to a country club - my mom's need for 'socialization.':glare:)

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised? I expect them to maintain the baseline of clean and organized that I like. You know, the old: 'if you take it out, put it away; if you open it, close it; if you put it down, pick it up.'

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is? No -- most of my friends had the same chores and responsibilities that I did -- and their moms had cleaning women too. Today: well, I think that families tend to be busier today than when I was a kid so that has changed. I also think that lots of folks today do 'fake' (or surface) cleaning and are deluded into thinking they have really cleaned.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? I think that some people have no idea how to clean a house -- so they have no idea how to teach their kids to clean a house.

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? Perhaps -- I don't know -- when I worked in NYC and my two older daughters were 9 and 10 yrs old, we had live in help for a time. It was a failure, we got rid of each and every one, and I adjusted my schedule so I could continue to work in the city and be home when I needed to be. I taught the girls to do their own laundry, and stuff like that. It didn't hurt either one of them.

A family member has always worked - her daughters have never had chores with respect to housekeeping -- they have always had help in to do housecleaning at least twice a week.....including laundry and cooking. Neither the family member nor her daughters have ever shown any inclination in taking care of a home - someone has always been hired to do it.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative? Well, I have to say that off the top of my head, the three people who I can think of who were not given chores as children, STILL have no clue or pretend to have no clue regarding cleaning.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc) No -- again the three people that I can think of are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves and they fare rather well.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? I can only speak for myself -- my chores were not optional, I didn't mind doing them, I would find ways for the chores to be if not enjoyable, at least not unpleasant.

9) Any other thoughts? This past week, the kids and I took the entire week to de-clutter and clean. Typically, I would let them go off on their own and keep busy and out of my way, and I would do all the work. Well, I involved them each and every day in so far as they did not impede progress :glare:. Suffice to say, they have a new found appreciation for the effort that goes into keeping things the way they should be kept. And, they all realized that the biggest offender in the house is DH - and they are on him about it now.;)

[Lovedtodeath]

I really enjoyed your responses Mariann.

[MariannNOVA]

I really enjoyed your responses Mariann.

 

Wow -- thank you! For me, it was a kind of fun trip down memory lane.;)

[Merry]

for feeding my dog. Did you really vacuum and dust the four bedrooms, living and dining room and family room twice a week plus the housekeeper dusted and vacuumed the other two days of the week? Just wondering. Or did you rotate the dusting and vacuuming in different rooms?

[Ester Maria]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you?

 

There was extremely little fuss about chores in our home.

Partially it was, of course, because we had a maid. In some periods it was a half-time or a few times a week full-time job, which meant that some of the household chores and general organization of the house was left for us to do; in other periods, we had a full-time housekeeper that did pretty much ALL, including things such as ironing, shopping, doing various errands in the town, handling visitors that couldn't come when my parents were home, accompanying me somewhere when I was small, etc. - basically a true "housekeeper" as opposed to a simple "cleaning lady".

 

Growing up, I was required, above all, not to add additional work to others. Sort of, "if you don't help, at the very least don't impede" mentality - for example, make sure your room is neat, because the one who renders it clean has an easier time doing the actual cleaning, if things are neat and organized than if there's also an additional mess to take care of; likewise, pick up after yourself and after you use something or dirt something, because by not doing it, you're creating an additional work.

 

Later, when I was in middle/high school, I had minor circumstantial chores from time to time (basically, doing something when and if asked), and I grew up "volunteering" a bit too because at some age it just clicked to me that I can sometimes do something even if not asked and even if technically somebody else would have done it too, particularly when it comes to my own things, mess or laundry.

Regarding cooking, I wasn't required to do it, but I did sometimes cook for myself when I was staying alone, and sometimes I would surprise my parents with something.

 

They relied A LOT on my common sense, age-appropriate. We NEVER argued about chores though, they decided to pick their battles and chores weren't a top priority, so I never actually grew up with a negative attitude towards them.

 

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised?

 

According to my mother, I exploit them :D, since the basic requirement is that they do the things that are related to them (their rooms, their shared bathroom, folding their laundry), in some periods they had some minor other duties (such as plants), but often the maid would end up doing those anyway, so I thought it unnecessary to insist.

 

It's actually similar to how I was brought up. We have a maid (not full-time yet, but probably will start working for us full-time when the baby is born), I would consider myself a hypocrite if I required them to do the full load while I do nothing because I have a maid for my own comfort, so I also rely on common sense, picking up after yourself and doing some of the things that are related to you.

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is?

 

I think it depends on the location and, in lack of better expression, "subculture"; it's hard to generalize. When and where I grew up, especially in families with a maid, there was no fuss over chores and parents focused on skill developing through other things.

I came in contact with "chore-based" parenting only in America, with this generation.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework?

Because it's largely unnecessary. While I agree that every responsible parent will - whether directly or indirectly - teach their children how things should be done, chores are the kind of work that's a purpose for itself (with an "umbrella" purpose of order in the house) and not really a smart time investment, being boring, repetitive and accumulated effort not really leading anywhere (immediate action with immediate consequences, pretty much).

Some parents simply decide they want to focus on different kinds of activities and other things in life, especially if they also have a housekeeper.

 

That doesn't include general picking up after yourself and learning not to add work to others - that's a part of basic personal culture of behavior that all kids should have, even the ones with maids, butlers and servants. But that's one thing, while sweeping floors or rubbing bathrooms is just a work that needs to be done, and it's really a matter of family agreement on who does what, and some people just decide that kids don't need to do some jobs (or all jobs).

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives?

 

I don't know enough kids of housewives to answer that, but being self-sufficient and chores aren't necessarily the same thing. I was a self-sufficient child, without formal chores, for example. With a working mother, but also with a maid. It's a matter of organization.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative?

 

Somewhat, not that you start "volunteering" to do things, but with time it just clicks that a mature person should have a certain culture which also includes not really letting other people make your bed and wash off your toothpaste from the sink. More a matter of personal pride than of genuine responsibility I guess. It doesn't mean you start cleaning the house, but with time you do become more careful with regards to your things, start offering to help somebody you see having difficulties in some work, etc.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc)

 

No, I don't know a single case of that. I don't think it's related to chores at all, in fact.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job?

 

I think that was causes kids to despise tasks is UNNECESSARY work. Kids have a sixth sense for that pretty much. Kids complain when they notice they're being asked to do something out of parent's principle, as opposed to out of genuine need for something to be done and something being a "normal" consequence of the division of jobs within a family.

 

The thing is, not all divisions in all families are or should be the same. I don't think you can "prescribe" chores for age X, so much depends on your family culture, lifestyle, etc. But children don't like to be formally disciplined, they function better if the surrounding is "natural", and chores have that kind of artificial flavor to them, kwim? Rarely parents manage to handle chores the way kids accept them as natural as opposed to imposed things.

Edited May 30, 2010 by Ester Maria

[MariannNOVA]

for feeding my dog. Did you really vacuum and dust the four bedrooms, living and dining room and family room twice a week plus the housekeeper dusted and vacuumed the other two days of the week? Just wondering. Or did you rotate the dusting and vacuuming in different rooms?

 

Emily -- No, we didn't rotate the dusting and vacuuming -- it was done ALL those days. My mother is the original Mrs. Clean! I know lots of people say that about their moms or themselves, but trust me, my mother was the real thing! While the cleaning woman cleaned, she would be washing windows, taking down curtains, washing them, starching them, ironing them, and putting them back up. She made housekeeping a FULL TIME job.......for everyone. I did the vacuuming and dusting two days a week in the summer and just on saturdays in the winter (during the school year). During the school year, my mom would 'pick up the slack' during the week.;)

[Lovedtodeath]

That doesn't include general picking up after yourself and learning not to add work to others - that's a part of basic personal culture of behavior that all kids should have, even the ones with maids, butlers and servants.

I wish my family (all of us) had learned that. Oh, it was required when I was growing up. I guess I never knew why.

[Impish]

1) What was your childhood experience with chores like? What helped you, and what hampered you? Chores were what my older brother and I did while nobody else did squat. We even had to clean our parent's room. My mom did hers, my dad's, and younger brothers laundry...the rest was on my older brother and I. Even to the point of being left at home to clean while the parents and little brothers went out for the day, to dinner, etc. Chores not being done, and done to standard meant being physically abused.

 

I learned to hate, loathe, and despise cleaning house. It was a punishment, an 'unworthiness' issue.

2) What do you expect from your children? How is it different from how you were raised? Diva has more chores now than she might have, if I hadn't been injured. She does the dishes now, whereas I used to. Hard to hold dishes and wash with one hand. She also is to clean her room, help out where needed (ie carry laundry up for me)

 

3) Was it typical for people in our generation to have few or no chores? (like me) What about today's generation? If you think it has changed from one generation to the next, why do you think that is? I think the trend has been for children to be 'children' and not have any responsibilities around the home, just school. I think the further we get away from being independant (farming) the more society in general forgets what its like to 'work'. Take the shortage of tradespeople, for example. Nobody wants to get their hands dirty, the 'work smart, not hard' attitude has had a huge negative impact.

 

4) Why do you think some people don't give their kids chores or expect them to regularly help with housework? Attempt to be nicer than they got as children? Impatience?

 

5) Do you think kids with "working mothers" are more likely to have chores and be self-sufficient and know how to do laundry, etc, than kids whose mothers are housewives? Attitude has more to do with it than working or not.

 

6) Whether you are an unschooler or not, have you known (or been) a child who was not given chores, but just naturally started doing housework of your own initiative? Unlikely.

 

7) How you ever known (or been) a child who had problems from not being given enough chores? (ie, spoiled, self-centered, unable to take care of themself as they got older, etc) I wouldn't say it was solely a chore issue, but certainly the kids I knew/know that didn't have them were spoiled, self centred, entitlement issues out the wazoo. It was part of a larger whole.

 

8) Do you think requiring regular chores that are not optional causes children to despise these tasks and do a shoddy job? No. There's more to it than that.

 

9) Any other thoughts? Children are not slaves, nor are they royalty. Gradual increase in chores with age and ability is a healthy thing, imo.

 

Like pps, my dh and I have had major issues all marriage long revolving around housework. I was a single parent, who only had so much time...housework was there when I got to it, since it was always on me to do it, and my time was allotted to my children first (after working to pay the bills, etc). Add in that it was punishment...yeah. Ick. By the time I found out that 'acts of service' is my dh's Love Language, and a clean home, to him, was a sign of love and respect, I'd already developed RSD. So now I can't do what I used to, and now actually want to do (as a way of loving my dh, beyond the 'it has to be done' issue.)

[Lovedtodeath]

Like pps, my dh and I have had major issues all marriage long revolving around housework. I was a single parent, who only had so much time...housework was there when I got to it, since it was always on me to do it, and my time was allotted to my children first (after working to pay the bills, etc). Add in that it was punishment...yeah. Ick. By the time I found out that 'acts of service' is my dh's Love Language, and a clean home, to him, was a sign of love and respect, I'd already developed RSD. So now I can't do what I used to, and now actually want to do (as a way of loving my dh, beyond the 'it has to be done' issue.)

:grouphug: Me too.