May I vent, here, where no family member will ever see it?

[dragons in the flower bed]

My grandmother, who at times I have counted as my best friend, who raised me, who I worship as the finest example of a human being I have ever had the privilege to know, has a type of cancer that is incurable. She is eighty-three, has watched her sisters and mother and one of her sons die from cancer, has been in pain for years, thinks she has had a good long life, and does not want treatment.

 

She is dying and it could be any time in the next year. Next week. She doesn't want to find out how far along the cancer is. She absolutely refuses to do this the same horrible way her loved ones did it.

 

I am having a hard time with the not-crying-in-front-of-the-kids thing. It is probably a matter of hours before the most perceptive one starts asking what's wrong. Thankfully, that's also the littlest and the one easiest to dupe.

 

Grandma doesn't want me to tell the kids. She doesn't want them to have to wait for her death the way that the rest of us do. She wants to have peace and normalcy in her relationship with her greatgrandbabies during the weeks before her death.

 

I want to respect her wishes. But I don't know how to do this. Today one of our cats showed up with what appears to be a broken spine. There has been much crying and wailing. But this excuse is not going to hold me for very long.

 

It's really only a matter of time before one of the kids overhears a conversation with my dad or my brother and finds out. How do I help them through this, my dad, my brother, and especially my kids? When I was a kid I was closer to Grandma than I was to my mom, and my kids too are as close to her as they are to me, in a different way of course, but... but there is no one else like Grandma. Even distant cousins talk about her like she's an avatar. They remember her father being genuinely disturbed at the death of an insect, and they know Grandma to be the same way, the one who inherited that incredible compassion.

 

Oh, tell me there's a book to read on this! And that if I just chop onions at every meal the kids will not suspect anything for another few days at least.

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Rose :grouphug:

[Natalieclare]

Aw Rose, I don't have words for you, I only have :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You're right, your kids are going to find out. I would talk to grandma and tell her you love her so much you're having a hard time not telling the kids. Would she be open to telling them? Otherwise I'd be spending a lot of time in the bathroom crying my eyes out.

 

I'm sorry, you've had enough on your plate. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

She wants to have peace and normalcy in her relationship with her greatgrandbabies during the weeks before her death.

 

 

I would encourage her to believe that this is possible with at least your oldest being privvy.

[Jen in PA]

No words of wisdom, but :grouphug:

[LauraGB]

:grouphug: Your grandmother sounds like a strong, wise, selfless woman. I don't know the "how" of how to do it, but in her own way, she's adding to your own strength of character without even realizing (or maybe she does).

 

So sorry for you. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry, Rose. Lots of :grouphug:

 

Maybe as your grandmother feels her death is closer, she may allow you to share so that your kids can say goodbye. Or so she can.

 

I watched my brother die in hospital, because my sweet sil couldn't bear to bring him home--he wanted to go home so badly, but she couldn't bear the thought of living in a house where he died.

 

I don't know what gift you can give your grandmother, if your gift can be normalcy in the midst of something so hard--perhaps if your grandmother could see her death as an opportunity for radical honesty and a teaching time about the end of life for your children to learn--but anyway, lots of hugs. Lots and lots.

[simka2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Thinking of you.

[mrsrevmeg]

:grouphug::grouphug: So sorry:grouphug::grouphug:

[bbsweetpea]

My heart breaks for you. When I was 18 my grandmother got ill and was actually on Hospice for 9 months. She had a rare genetic disease and did not know it until too late.

 

My grandmother was very important in a lot of our lives. We helped take care of her, sat with her, studied the bible with her and just loved on her for 9 months. It was the worse 9 months of my life. My poor brother was 16 and would stay up all night with her on the weekends just to help take care of her.

 

My cousin was raised by my grandmother up to that point and was 6 years old.

 

We all three had forms of PTSD after that. Seeing someone slowly die and KNOWING it is happening is almost too much for people so young (at least it was to us). I would advise you to spend a lot of time with your grandmother, encourage the kids to love on her and do special things but to not tell them until closer to time.

 

Since my grandmother death I have been through my grandfather and great grandmother's death (through hospice). Though they were not quick deaths they were much easier on me mentally because they died quicker. One was only on Hospice a week and the other 2 months. For me the idea that someone has to know they are passing and just waiting is just too much.

 

As far as your reactions ... tell your kids she is sick and you just worry. If death is brought up just explain that everyone dies at some point but don't "say" she is dieing out loud. Lots of love and prayer is being sent your way

[Delighted3]

My Mom died of cancer last November and she received no treatment for the last several months. It is hard to go through and you have my greatest sympathies. Two things about not telling your kids;

 

1. As the time gets closer, it will be hard to hide from the kids unless they don't spend much time with her, so you may want to talk with her about how she wants to handle the changes that may come towards the end.

 

2. I think the kids should be given the opportunity to say good-bye. It is an important part of the grieving process for everyone involved and in the future they may harbor resentment if they don't get the chance tell Grandma how they feel about her and for Grandma to give them her last blessing of sort. I know when my Mom died that there were a lot of emotional good-byes in the last couple of weeks.

 

These are just my opinions, your Grandma must have the final say so that her last days can be as comfortable as you can make them. As the time gets closer, she may change her mind about what she wants too. A couple of words of advice for you are to take care of yourself. If you can't grieve in front of your kids, then make time privately to grieve so you don't hold it all in. In cases of terminal illnesses, a lot of the grieving process takes place before the death even happens, so be prepared for this. It is OK to cry alot.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

Joy

[Desert Rat]

I'm so sorry, Rose. The only thing I can recommend is to do what I do, cry in the shower. It's the only time I'm alone away from prying eyes and if asked, I can just say my face is red from a good scrub and hot water. I try to limit my cry times to just the shower. My kids are sensitive too and pick up on things. We also have a rule that we talk about disturbing matters after bed time or in the garage/car.

I'll be praying for you and your grandmother. She sounds like a wonderful woman and the world will be a sadder place once she not here. I must say I admire her courage.

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:

 

Rose, nothing I can say will be enough. Just know you have many who are thinking of you. Your grace through all you've been through and now this, has been amazing to me. I just hope there will soon be a soft patch of grass, some gentle sun, and a time of peace.

[Barb_]

Oh Honey, I just went through this in October. Incurable cancer, quick progression, the whole thing. Most people our age lost their grandparents early on or never knew them, but mine were only 38 and 40 when I was born. The age of many parents. So it's hard for most people to understand why losing a beloved grandmother can hurt almost as much as losing a parent. There is no book to make this easier. Only time. I'm so sorry.

 

Barb

[coffeefreak]

:grouphug:

When my close friend was dying of cancer, my mother gave me the book, "Final Gifts." It was amazing. It really helped me prepare, and be a better friend to her and her family as they prepared. Every stage the authors talked about I saw in my friend. It brought comfort and peace to us.

 

As for telling your kids, only :grouphug: here. Unfortunately, she won't be able to keep it from them for long, because they'll notice her deterioration in health. But, maybe when they do ask, that's when you gently tell her you HAD to tell them.

 

One more :grouphug:.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[misidawnrn]

I just read a book called "Tear Soup" it was awesome! It is short and non descript about the "loss" that "grandy" the main character is suffering from but it talks about grief. Another nurse got it for a mom that just lost a baby at our work.

 

Hugs to you in this great time of mourning and sorrow.:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

:grouphug: No words. Just here.

[Carpe Diem]

:grouphug:. I'm so sorry.

[Mama Lynx]

Oh, Rose, I am so sorry. :grouphug:

[HRAAB]

I am so very, very sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

[cyndyinohio]

So sorry to hear of your trial. Can you cry and tell them that there is something you are very sad about, and that although you can't talk to them about it they don't need to worry about you because you are talking to your spouse/friends/God about it? That way they don't feel like they need to take care of you. I think it would be too hard to hide it from them...at least for me.

[Caraway]

2. I think the kids should be given the opportunity to say good-bye. It is an important part of the grieving process for everyone involved and in the future they may harbor resentment if they don't get the chance tell Grandma how they feel about her and for Grandma to give them her last blessing of sort. I know when my Mom died that there were a lot of emotional good-byes in the last couple of weeks.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

If I were her grandchildren I would want a chance to "know" and begin to process the loss before she was actually gone.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:

 

Rosie

[Liz CA]

:grouphug::grouphug: So sorry:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I completely understand this. I'd go the same route. However, she may realize that the children will discover something is wrong if her death does not come as easy as sitting in a rocking chair and just slumping over.

I can also understand that she does not want to spend her remaining time on earth fielding questions about her condition.

Don't know if faith comes into play but I think as she gets worse, you may be able to suggest to her to have a conversation with your dc. If it was me, I'd say something like: "I have a feeling I will be going to my heavenly home soon." If dc ask why I'd say something about being tired and looking forward to heaven.

If faith is not part of your life, it can be rephrased in any way she feels comfortable and your dc will understand.

You can also say to your dc that you are worried about grandma and that you will miss her should she die and that it makes you sad thinking about it.

 

[dragons in the flower bed]

Would she be open to telling them? Otherwise I'd be spending a lot of time in the bathroom crying my eyes out.

 

Nope, and yes, the bathroom plan. Thanks for your words, Paula; they always lighten things a little.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I would encourage her to believe that this is possible with at least your oldest being privvy.

 

 

You know, I hadn't even thought that normalcy might be possible myself. It's going on the list of things to say, but I'm still not sure. With a pending death?

[dragons in the flower bed]

Your grandmother sounds like a strong, wise, selfless woman. I don't know the "how" of how to do it, but in her own way, she's adding to your own strength of character without even realizing (or maybe she does).

 

Wow. Laura, thank you for sharing this perception with me.

[KnitWit]

I'm sorry for this pain.

 

I do agree with Laura

[dragons in the flower bed]

Maybe as your grandmother feels her death is closer, she may allow you to share so that your kids can say goodbye. Or so she can.

 

I hope so, because it would be sad if they didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I plan to have the kids make up letters for her anyway, writing down all the reasons they love her, so that they will be able to know that she knew how much they loved her. And I am sure she will say goodbye in her own sideways way, too. I think she will. She always has hated goodbyes.

 

I watched my brother die in hospital, because my sweet sil couldn't bear to bring him home--he wanted to go home so badly, but she couldn't bear the thought of living in a house where he died.

 

I don't know what gift you can give your grandmother, if your gift can be normalcy in the midst of something so hard

 

I will remember that, about your bil, and try to think of this as a gift.

[dragons in the flower bed]

:grouphug:

 

Rose, nothing I can say will be enough. Just know you have many who are thinking of you. Your grace through all you've been through and now this, has been amazing to me. I just hope there will soon be a soft patch of grass, some gentle sun, and a time of peace.

 

 

It only looks graceful from a distance. But thanks, Jenny. It better be the sparkliest d*mn rainbow.

[dragons in the flower bed]

"Final Gifts." It was amazing. It really helped me prepare, and be a better friend to her and her family as they prepared. Every stage the authors talked about I saw in my friend. It brought comfort and peace to us.

 

 

Oh, good, something to read is exactly what I need. I feel so like I don't know how to do this and I was so hoping someone here knew what book covered this stuff. Thank you Dorinda!

[dragons in the flower bed]

I just read a book called "Tear Soup" it was awesome! It is short and non descript about the "loss" that "grandy" the main character is suffering from but it talks about grief. Another nurse got it for a mom that just lost a baby at our work.

 

Thanks, Melissa, I will check that one out.

[CalicoKat]

its so hard to say goodbye. :grouphug:

 

My Grandma and Grandpa (her 2nd husband) celebrated their anniversary every weekend for the 10 years they were together because they never knew when it would be their last. Grandpa had had several heart attacks before they married (after his 1st wife died).

 

He lived 10 years with a very weak heart! And they never ever told anyone about his heart attacks. Grandma talked about it plenty after he died--of a heart attack.

 

Celebrate life, however much time remains, with your Grandma. Give Grandma an opportunity to build new memories with your kids. When it's time to grieve you can tell them how much she loved them and that she was saying goodbye in the way she wanted to.

 

You don't need to hide your tears, they're because how much you love your Grandma. :grouphug:

[dragons in the flower bed]

Don't know if faith comes into play but I think as she gets worse, you may be able to suggest to her to have a conversation with your dc. If it was me, I'd say something like: "I have a feeling I will be going to my heavenly home soon." If dc ask why I'd say something about being tired and looking forward to heaven.

 

This is a brilliant idea.

[dragons in the flower bed]

I've enjoyed your posts and I just want to give you:grouphug:. I'm so sorry.

 

I appreciate the compassion of everyone here who "just" sent :grouphug:.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

I have had to walk this road, and am walking it still.

 

Six years ago my aunt was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. This aunt is only a few years older than me. Our mothers had a business together, so I was at her house literally daily for many years, and I also lived with her for two years. She was more like my older sister.

 

At first her prognosis was pretty good. We were told she would always have the tumor, but it could be managed. However, it morphed into a much more malignant type of tumor. A brain surgery left her badly brain damaged and delusional. Every year for several years now we have been told that she will die within months. She has been on hospice for a year and a half now.

 

Your grandmother's death is not hers alone. She is part of a family, and the family who loves her walks with her down this path.

 

You do not walk this path alone. You are part of a family, and the family who loves you and lives with you walk with you down this path.

 

Understandable though her feelings are, it is not fair for your grandmother to make that decision about telling your children. I think you are well within your rights to continue talking this through compassionately with her. Try to come to an understanding that you do need to tell your children.

 

I have not been good at not crying in front of the children, but honestly, that's worked out just fine in our home. I try to hide it as often as possible. When it's not possible, I just say, "It's okay--I'm just sad about Lisa. I wish she didn't have to suffer." I am never uncontrolled in my grief before them, and my children understand that tears are a natural part of watching someone suffer.

 

Over the years, my children have had the opportunity to accept the burdens of Lisa's illness and eventual death one small bit at a time. They have had time to ask me questions. I can answer what they ask, and let them go on to play or read or think. Many little conversations over the years have given them understanding.

 

I would think it would be harder for them knowing that something is wrong--and they WILL sense it whether you actually cry in front of them or not--but not knowing why. They will wonder and they will try to find a reason for what they sense is wrong. Without having the truth to hold on to, they will question themselves and the other parts of their life to figure this out.

 

Also I would think that a sudden death will be harder on them than one they have prepared for.

 

I'm sorry for this sad, sad time for you. You can pm me if you want to talk.

 

:grouphug:

[SnowWhite]

:grouphug:, Rose.

 

I can sense that you are both wishing to respect and honor your grandmother's wishes out of love for her, and yet you feel placed in an impossible position because she's asked you to contain your grief, which seems impossible.

 

If it's impossible, well, something has to give. Personally, I think your grandmother would understand if somehow the information slips out. THEN you can help your children prepare.

[Impish]

:grouphug:to you.

 

*gently* I agree with Strider. Your grandma sounds as though she's a strong, tell the truth kind of person. I would gently point out to her that she's asking you to lie to the children, and as much as you love her, and want to honour her wishes, you can't help but feel that's against the entire way she's lived her life, and you, as a mother, just don't think you can do that to your children.

 

Wishing you all the love and wisdom you need for what lies ahead :grouphug:

[5knights3maidens]

:grouphug:

[mcconnellboys]

Well, it's not specifically a book to help cope before she goes, but C. S. Lewis wrote A Grief Observed after losing his wife and I think that it could be very helpful to you....

[lovemyboys]

:grouphug: Rose. How difficult this is.

 

We had a friend who did this. She just refused to go to the doctor's even though she knew something was really wrong. It was hard on everyone else but it preserved her final weeks as normally as possible -- without hospitals, treatment. She was surrounded by family and friends and not medical staff and equipment.

 

Enjoy these moments as much as you possibly can. And grieve now too. Sorry I don't have good advice for keeping it from the kids. I'm not sure how you do that, do they know she's sick at all?

 

:grouphug:

[Saille]

I'm so sorry.

 

I am glad she at least told the adults. I had a friend who lost her father very suddenly to a heart attack. As it turned out, he knew he was in serious trouble, but didn't tell anyone. I witnessed the horrible, instantaneous shock she and her mother experienced when someone they thought was hale and hearty was suddenly dead, with no warning.

 

It's a bit different with your grandma, b/c she must seem incredibly old to your small people, but the suggestion someone made upthread to have her tell them that she thought her time might be soon seems very wise. I hope she can see her way to doing that. This is a very hard secret for you to keep.

 

Also, perhaps track down Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs for your smallest? It's by Tomie DiPaola. I think I may have a copy, if the library doesn't.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I also thought of recommending crying in the shower, but someone beat me to it. You know, I lost my neighbor nearly a year and a half ago, after she experienced a steady decline, but it was still a shock to all of us- my daughter was very close to her. She is still a presence in our lives. We talk about her often, and every time I look at her wooded yard I think of her in the trees.

[coffeefreak]

Oh, good, something to read is exactly what I need. I feel so like I don't know how to do this and I was so hoping someone here knew what book covered this stuff. Thank you Dorinda!

 

You're welcome! We'll be praying for you :grouphug:

Dorinda