Bulimic daughter won't go to rehab

[Dooley]

I feel like I am being held over a barrel. My 16 yog has been bulimic for about a year now. I did not know until a few months ago, I found bags of vomit in her room. Panic. We saw a therapist a couple times, but dd was not into/believing/whatever the doctor said. She has been part of an Eating Disorders group, but she says she never talks because all the older women there do the talking. I thought things were getting better (she said they were, though I did find a bag of vomit about 2 weeks ago). We had a lockbox in the kitchen for awhile, that helped keep trigger foods from her, but my youngest lost the key.

 

Anyway, as I said, I was under the impression things were better. She and I have talked numerous times about her feelings (she and our oldest dd go do not have a good relationship AT ALL - long story, she is behind in school and I am upset with that, she misses California as we moved about 3 1/2 years ago, she doesnt like her friends and does not feel close to them, she has so many dreams that she cant fulfill yet like driving herself around, getting a job, traveling....) I have told her she must be patient, she can get a job this summer, we were going to visit CA this summer too, she can duel enroll next year...

 

ANYWAY. Thursday, her youth pastor took me aside and along with my dd, they told me she is vomiting DAILY and is now cutting herself.

 

There is a Christian rehab center in Nashville that will take girls doing these kinds of things for free. What a load off my mind! I thought we were going to court financial disaster to get her through this! But what a blessing!! She said to him, yes, she would make the call (she has to, I cannot). The pastor explained to us that its a 6 month program, and went on to stress what a good time this would be to go, she is not getting better she is getting worse.....and she agreed. We came home and she said no, I dont want to go.

 

She doesnt want to spend 6 months there. She wants to go to CA. I said CA is off the table for now. You will not go until after rehab. She said oh, that just makes me want to cut....

 

I do not know what to do now. I cant force her to go. I cant make her stop throwing up. Cant make her stop cutting - guess there are numerous thing one can cut with. My anger with her makes her upset. My calm with her makes her upset. My questions or lack of questions make her upset. My pushing schoolwork or relieving her of schoolwork make her upset. I am ****ed if I do and ****ed if I dont.....

 

I do not know what I am supposed to do. Am I supposed to just sit here while she destroys herself? What am I being blind about? Is there any advice for us?

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I was a cutter in high school.....and beyond. I also had an eating disorder that I still battle, even after surgery.

 

Can't you FORCE her into rehab at age 16? I was forced, signed in by my mother.

 

On one hand she is hurting and manifesting that through both the ED AND cutting. On the other hand, she is manipulating you by saying, "that just makes me want to cut!" For me, and for most people, cutting was a very private matter, not one to talk about or publicize.

 

If you want to PM me, feel free. I will give you my phone number by PM if you'd like to actually TALK, if that would help.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is SO much harder to be the person looking in from the outside. It is such a helpless feeling, isn't it?

 

Oh, and just to add, you may know this intellectually from reading about it, but cutting really DOES release pain and pressure. It feels like a release valve. I, like most cutters, did NOT want to die, not at all and not EVER! It was NEVER EVER EVER a suicidal gesture or suicidal intent!! In fact, many cutters talk about how cutting keeps them from ever getting that close to want to end it. Does that make sense at all? It is the way to release pressure and pain that keeps it from getting WORSE.

 

Anyway, I'm here if you need it.

[Blessedfamily]

I will certainly be remembering you in my prayers. Trying to get someone to accept treatment against their will is an exasperating experience (I know). You try to decide when to insist or take drastic measures, but you don't want to push them over an edge.

 

 

I really wish she would at least try the center in Nashville.

[prairiegirl]

I am so sorry. My heart hurts so much for your dd. I have been through a 14 yr. struggle with bulimia. Your post threw me back into all of that pain and self-hatred that I was drowning in. It makes me sad that your dd is swimming in it now.

 

Anything I say will be from your dd's point of view. I don't know how to handle this as a parent. Bulimics start down this road because they feel totally helpless. They feel that they have no control over their life decisions, so they start to binge and vomit because they have control over that. I don't know much about cutting but from the little I do know, I think it is the same concept. The cutter is in so much pain, pain that they can't control. When they cut, they are in control of that pain.

 

When I think back of when I was in the thick of the pain, what I wanted more than anything else was my parents to tell me that they loved me. I didn't want them to lecture me, try to save me, I just wanted them to hold me and tell me, show me that they loved me cause I felt so unloved and unloveable.

 

My advice to you would be to find Christian counselling for you. Maybe the counsellor can give you insight into this crazy thing called bulimia and help set up an action plan in dealing with your dd.

 

You and your dd are in my prayers.

[Blessedfamily]

I was a cutter in high school.....and beyond. I also had an eating disorder that I still battle, even after surgery.

 

Can't you FORCE her into rehab at age 16? I was forced, signed in by my mother.

 

.........

 

I was wondering if cutting is serious enough to give mom a basis for forced admission, even if the eating disorder isn't.

 

The hardest part is some people will tell you to take drastic measures, and others will caution against that. I'd ask a counselor's opinion.

[Orthodox6]

:grouphug: You feel so much pain from this. So does your daughter, underneath the symptoms.

 

She is a minor child in any state. She poses a direct and serious danger to herself. By law, you may forcibly have her placed under medical care.

 

I hope that you shall do so.

[Orthodox6]

I was wondering if cutting is serious enough to give mom a basis for forced admission, even if the eating disorder isn't.

 

The hardest part is some people will tell you to take drastic measures, and others will caution against that. I'd ask a counselor's opinion.

 

"Cutting" usually is considered part of the anxiety spectrum, related to OCD. It is legitimate basis for sending a minor child to a hospital.

[asta]

I was wondering if cutting is serious enough to give mom a basis for forced admission, even if the eating disorder isn't.

 

The hardest part is some people will tell you to take drastic measures, and others will caution against that. I'd ask a counselor's opinion.

 

It is. Danger to self or to others is grounds for what is called a 5150, or the forced admission to a psychiatric ward. That is actually not what it is called in Tennessee, but it is what everyone calls it as a type of shorthand.

 

The guidelines for involuntary commitment in Tennessee are here.

 

As the aforementioned counselor will tell you, EDs are not about food, they are about control. And no, not about controlling you; about the person who is doing it trying to control, in a contorted manner, their own world. Cutting is not for attention (though many people believe it is). It is an attempt for the cutter to "feel" something when their normal feedback system has become numb for some reason. The cutting gives them an endorphin release. So it isn't the cut, per se - a cutter could just as easily be exercising to excess, or doing any activity that gave them a "rush" (sex, drugs, driving fast, etc.). All of the activities are directed towards the cutter, not towards anyone else.

 

That said, she's angry. With a capital A. And she is a danger to herself. And she is a minor. You are well within your rights to bring her in and have her put in an involuntary hold.

 

Here's the rub: state psychiatric hospitals are some of the worst, most horrific places on the planet. It isn't that they aren't clean. It isn't that they don't care. It is that there are people in there that are a WHOLE heck of a lot worse off than your daughter. And merely seeing them may scare the living bejeebers out of her. If I were in your shoes? I would give her a choice. I would tell her that she can willingly go to the treatment facility in Nashville, or she can be involuntarily admitted to the state's psychiatric facility for treatment.

 

And I would keep my word.

 

Bulimia kills. And so does depression.

 

 

Hang in there, mom.

 

 

asta

[Blessedfamily]

........If I were in your shoes? I would give her a choice. I would tell her that she can willingly go to the treatment facility in Nashville, or she can be involuntarily admitted to the state's psychiatric facility for treatment.

 

And I would keep my word.

 

Bulimia kills. And so does depression.

 

 

Hang in there, mom.

 

 

asta

 

I think I would, too. I say that because with the person I know who needed treatment refused, and the family didn't push it: The results were disastrous. She didn't die, but now that she's improved, she questions why the family didn't have her admitted when they were advised to do so.

 

I don't say that to add pressure. Quite the opposite. It's just a difficult situation.

[Sputterduck]

Here's the rub: state psychiatric hospitals are some of the worst, most horrific places on the planet. It isn't that they aren't clean. It isn't that they don't care. It is that there are people in there that are a WHOLE heck of a lot worse off than your daughter. And merely seeing them may scare the living bejeebers out of her. If I were in your shoes? I would give her a choice. I would tell her that she can willingly go to the treatment facility in Nashville, or she can be involuntarily admitted to the state's psychiatric facility for treatment.

 

 

I agree completely with this.

[i.love.lucy]

:grouphug: and prayers for your family.

[cjbeach]

I am so sorry. Many, many hugs.

 

If she won't go yet would she consider something like Food Addicts Anonymous where there are people with all types of food addictions. In the program she'll learn that it stems from a sugar addiction (white products). My neighbor had a serious food addiction and she has had some many +s from using the program. I think it would be a starting place.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

She is a minor child in any state. She poses a direct and serious danger to herself. By law, you may forcibly have her placed under medical care.

 

 

 

I'm sure this varies state by state, but cutting not to the point of requiring medical attention, and vomiting not to the point of requiring medical attention won't get involuntary treatment invoked in our state.

 

Since it seemed she has some rapport with the pastor, I would try there first. He could tell her a call won't hurt. They won't come with ropes and haul her off. Just call.

 

I would encourage you not to panic: most people out grow this, very few people die of it. If the pastor can't sway her to go, then I would work on counseling locally. If SHE won't go, you go yourself, with hubby.

 

The severe cases we deal with are work are very exhausting. :grouphug:

I can't imagine how scared and hurt you are right now.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

If I were in your shoes? I would give her a choice. I would tell her that she can willingly go to the treatment facility in Nashville, or she can be involuntarily admitted to the state's psychiatric facility for treatment.

 

And I would keep my word.

 

Bulimia kills. And so does depression.

 

 

Hang in there, mom.

 

 

asta

 

:iagree:

 

I had friends with children with eating disorders and who cut. They are much better now after periods in hospital. Neither would have gone willingly.

 

Bulimia does kill. Please do whatever you can to get her help.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 28, 2023 by J-rap

[liber]

Is it Mercy Ministiries that you are talking about? My sister went there. It is not as bad as your daughter is imagining it to be. It really helped my sister. At first she himmed and hawed about going, constantly changing her mind. My sister also had cutting issues and drug addiction issues. Your daughter had to be willing to go though. My sister had to hit rock bottom before she decided for good that she was going. Prior to this my parents did try to get my sister help. She even spent time on a pysch ward. But that didn't help her. Only made her angrier. If your daughter is forced to choose between the two options that others presented, the pysch ward or this other program, she needs to choose willingly the other program. If she doesn't want to be there and she goes b/c she feels she is forced, the program will not be much help to her. She has to want to get better. Mercy Ministries does have a website. Have you showed it to your daughter? My mom printed out the forms and would gently ask my sister from time to time what she had decided. However, like I said. it took my sister hitting rock bottom to decide.

 

I know it is hard to watch your daughter go through this. It was hard on my family as well. My mother even had my sister's dress picked for her funereal, it was that bad. Thankfully she is better. She's married now has one child with another due next month. She is also an advocate for Mercy Ministires.

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

I have no experience with bulimia or cutting, but just wanted to add that sometimes, oftentimes (myself at that age included) young people don't see the big picture and consequences of self destructive behavior. It took for me realizing that a certain behavior REALLY was counter productive to my dreams and goals. My suggestion is to pull up some worst case scenarios online, through books, etc. and have dd make a list of all the pros and cons of bulimia and cutting and let your dd face the facts. Bulimia cons- possibly never be able to bear children, permanent physical injury, having to be forcibly hospitalized, your metabolism changes for the worse, etc. Get some real life new articles and books or whatever for her to read about the REAL consequences of the behaviors and let her make an informed decision so to speak. If she's not willing to give it or realized that she needs help then you have to do what you have to do. Just a thought.

 

Edited to add..basically why not have her do a research project on it? May sound dumb but again it's maybe not so personal this way or would be seen as a personal attack and could bring her outside of the behavior and be able to maybe look at it from the outside looking in?

Edited May 1, 2010 by mommyjen

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

Also, by doing the pros and cons excercise she and you can gain and understanding of why she does. Perhaps you can help her identify the need or ask her if she sees any herself and suggest/bring to her attention healthier alternatives to meet them. Ask her for her ideas to meet the underlying need. Brainstorm together. Training for a marathon? I don't know?

Edited May 1, 2010 by mommyjen

[clarkacademy]

reformu.com are all over the united states. These people are great and can help you. These type of behaviors cannot be stopped with talking and propmises she needs help. Help that sadly you cannot give her.

[LisaC]

She doesnt want to spend 6 months there. She wants to go to CA. I said CA is off the table for now. You will not go until after rehab. She said oh, that just makes me want to cut....

 

I do not know what to do now. I cant force her to go. I cant make her stop throwing up. Cant make her stop cutting - guess there are numerous thing one can cut with. My anger with her makes her upset. My calm with her makes her upset. My questions or lack of questions make her upset. My pushing schoolwork or relieving her of schoolwork make her upset. I am ****ed if I do and ****ed if I dont.....

 

I do not know what I am supposed to do. Am I supposed to just sit here while she destroys herself? What am I being blind about? Is there any advice for us?

 

I used to work for the ministry you are talking about, and I can tell you that it is even better than what you have heard. Maybe what you can do is see if your dd will take one step at a time. Ask her to make the call and ask as many questions as she wants. There may be some other girls who have gone through the program for the same thing who may be available to talk to your daughter if whe wants to ask them questions, too. I also know there are books and videos available that may help your dd with her decision and help you work through this process with her. Please feel free to email me personally if you would like.

 

Praying for you and your precious daughter

[Oops, duplicate account :/]

A daughter of a friend of mine had similar problems, and the program she went through was very constant, and had a different twist to it as well. Instead of focusing so much on HER, she was required to spend many hours a week helping at a children's terminal cancer ward of a hospital. It helped take the attention off of herself, and actually, it was a very successful program for her.

 

Sounds like a great program.

[EarleneW]

Is it Mercy Ministiries that you are talking about? My sister went there. It is not as bad as your daughter is imagining it to be. It really helped my sister. At first she himmed and hawed about going, constantly changing her mind. My sister also had cutting issues and drug addiction issues. Your daughter had to be willing to go though. My sister had to hit rock bottom before she decided for good that she was going. Prior to this my parents did try to get my sister help. She even spent time on a pysch ward. But that didn't help her. Only made her angrier. If your daughter is forced to choose between the two options that others presented, the pysch ward or this other program, she needs to choose willingly the other program. If she doesn't want to be there and she goes b/c she feels she is forced, the program will not be much help to her. She has to want to get better. Mercy Ministries does have a website. Have you showed it to your daughter? My mom printed out the forms and would gently ask my sister from time to time what she had decided. However, like I said. it took my sister hitting rock bottom to decide.

 

I know it is hard to watch your daughter go through this. It was hard on my family as well. My mother even had my sister's dress picked for her funereal, it was that bad. Thankfully she is better. She's married now has one child with another due next month. She is also an advocate for Mercy Ministires.

 

 

I was going to ask the same thing. We have been a supporter of them for years and think they are a wonderful program. Prayers for you and your daughter- I cannot even imagine.

[Dooley]

Yes, it is Mercy Ministries. What a God-send that place looks like. I did get to have a discussion with her this morning - she seems to think she can get through it. Well, I disagree. We did come to some sort of "agreement". I told her either she willingly goes to MM, or, we will have her taken in at a treatment center and loose every cent we have (yes, I am not above playing the guilt card - I said I will have nothing to help you or your brother and sister for college, we will have nothing to live on if the economy continues as it is...). You need to go, you cant help yourself, CA wont fix it...... anyway, she said she would voluntarily go in, if she gets to go to CA first. I said well, if you start the process now, you can ask them when you can expect a decision as to when you might start. If that start date is after we planned to go to CA. Ok, you can go. If its before. You will go to treatment first.

 

I have read many books, discussed this with my own councilor - who I had to see for stress/health issues myself - I am at my wits end. I thank all of you for your prayers and responses. I will still be checking this and gleaning everything I can from your posts.

[liber]

My sister didn't get in right away. She got accepted and then had to wait. In the meantime she had to read books they sent her and she had to comment on them and send her comments back. I think she waited about 4-6 mths, can't remember exactly. My sister stayed for 9 mths, some girls stay longer.

[woolybear]

:grouphug: I was going to say that I have no knowledge of this or experience, but I did in fact have a ED. Not bulimia. But strange that it didn't immediately remind me of that.

 

I was a bit older. But I did wonder then and later, why did my family not try to do anything to help me? Why was it like the elephant in the living room.

 

I think because I was older, I had enough memories of life being different. Of a good life. It was that, in contrast to the time with the ED, that began to push myself out of it. I knew I could live a happier life. Because life with an ED is misery. Truly. It is about control initially. About being able to control at least one thing in your life. But then it controls you. And it is all there is. Oh, if you're not too far gone, you go on about your life. At least outwardly. But it is always there, lurking, controlling your life.

 

At any rate, I knew if others tried to help me I probably would've felt controlled and resented it. Otoh, I felt abandoned when I clearly was screaming out for help. It is a double bind for the family. But since she is 16, I think you need to push for her to go into treatment. It is hard to break the cycle on one's own. I did, but it hadn't gone on for too long and, as I said, I was older. I think that helped.

 

I like the idea of the pp who said give her a choice. Promise California for after treatment.

 

Thinking of you. And her. This must be so heartbreaking.:grouphug: Hang in there.

[Impish]

Rehab FIRST. CA can be the reward for getting healthy.

 

Here's my concerns: First, the obvious 'she gets what she wants and then refuses to hold up her end of the deal'. Second, she's 16. What if she gets to CA and refuses to come back with you?

 

Sorry, but there's no way in h*ll I'd let her go to CA without treatment first.

[EarleneW]

I will be praying that she gets in quickly and smoothly, as well as for your family. Please keep us updated!

[weddell]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted gives :grouphug:.

 

I also wanted to add that bulimia kills. I just read an article about a mother whose teenager died from bulimia and is now making a documentary about it. I wanted to post the link just to show the seriousness of the matter.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/22/fashion/22Melissa.html?scp=5&sq=eating%20disorder%20documentary&st=cse

[bookfiend]

No advice, just sympathy and a prayer.

[WTMindy]

I am praying right now for you and your precious daughter!! I have no personal experience with this, but I would tell her that I would love to take her to CA after her treatment. I would tell her that her health is your number one priority, and once that is taken care of you can celebrate together with a trip. Again, I am SO sorry!

[jenL]

My college roommate had an eating disorder and was in an in-house treatment program for a few months. Watching it happen around me and being unable to do anything was one of the worst things I have ever gone through. I'm sending you and your daughter many prayers. :grouphug:

[Dooley]

Thank you, dear ladies. Your posts, input and prayers mean MORE than I can tell you.

 

I will have dd read that NYT article too. xo

[Pippen]

If your daughter needed heart surgery for a life-threatening condition, I doubt you'd hesitate to force the issue. I think you need to treat this in exactly the same way.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Just wanted to add that you should realize you will need counseling, too. (Gently)--As the mom of an addict, who also cut, I was surprised by the amount of work I had to do, to deal with my own self, and way of relating, among other things. In fact, your whole family will have to do some work.

Some folks think of residential treatment as a "go and get my child fixed and return them home all better" deal--it's not. If she comes back to you and enters the same environment that she left, she will not make it.

 

Ask me how I know.

 

If it is a 12 step program, begin working the Steps yourself.

 

Every blessing to you and yours. :grouphug:

[Dooley]

We are going to try and get her into Remuda Ranch in VA. I am afraid of going bankrupt or something, but I do not know what else to do.

 

I have been in counseling - the biggest "problem" in the home is between my two older daughters. I told my oldest that if she cannot have a heart and treat this dd with compassion, she will have to go live somewhere else until she felt different- she will be 18 in 2 months. They have a long history of problems between them and our oldest is pretty rough. Our other daughter is pretty sweet and can't take the stuff our oldest hands out.

 

If you know of a program that sort of treats the family - let us know. I will also be asking the folks at Remuda Ranch.

[Liz CA]

:grouphug: and prayers for your family.

 

Remuda Ranch - a treatment center, also has a website. You can begin be researching the legal rights you have since your daughter is still a minor. Some believe the person has to want to get better, others think you have to help them to get to that point. Don't have any specific advice other than to seek QUALIFIED counseling. I would seek Christian counseling such as is offered through the "New Live " network and specify what disorder your daughter has. They have therapists all over the U.S.

I can only say, act now and act fast. Once she is 18, you cannot send her anywhere.

[Blessedfamily]

We are going to try and get her into Remuda Ranch in VA. I am afraid of going bankrupt or something, but I do not know what else to do.

 

I have been in counseling - the biggest "problem" in the home is between my two older daughters. I told my oldest that if she cannot have a heart and treat this dd with compassion, she will have to go live somewhere else until she felt different- she will be 18 in 2 months. They have a long history of problems between them and our oldest is pretty rough. Our other daughter is pretty sweet and can't take the stuff our oldest hands out.

 

If you know of a program that sort of treats the family - let us know. I will also be asking the folks at Remuda Ranch.

 

According to one person who went, they take one week out of your daughter's stay to counsel the whole family as a standard.

 

I saw someone mention the cost. Dear me. I just can't stop praying for you.

[Cathy in IL]

I have some strong opinions on this topic. I have battled anorexia. I spent almost three months in the hospital on an eating disorder ward when I was 18. It got me eating again, and my weight increased. It didn't do much more, and I continued to struggle for a long time. I wish now that I would have made more of the time I had in-patient, but I wasn't really there by choice.

 

When I think back of when I was in the thick of the pain, what I wanted more than anything else was my parents to tell me that they loved me. I didn't want them to lecture me, try to save me, I just wanted them to hold me and tell me, show me that they loved me cause I felt so unloved and unloveable.

 

I agree with this comment completely, When you are struggling with an eating disorder, one of the best things a loved one can do is simply let you know you are loved. The negative ED voice can get so loud and convinces the person with the ED that they are never good enough, completely unloveable. It's that ED voice that makes whatever you say or do to help her seem like the wrong thing. You can say something and mean it lovingly, but the ED voice can twist it and use it to make your daughter feel even worse about herself. There is no room for blame here - that's just what the ED voice wants.

 

I was wondering if cutting is serious enough to give mom a basis for forced admission, even if the eating disorder isn't.

 

I would be more concerned about the bulimia from a medical standpoint. Bulimia can do all kinds of damage to the body that you can't see. Her electrolytes can get screwed up quickly and lead to life threatening complications. At least with the cutting there are ways to do it more safely - use a clean blade and treat the cuts so they don't become infected. I am not sayong that you give her persmission to cut or condone it, but recognize it is a coping mechanism she needs right now. It isn't likely to go away without extensive treatment, so at least she can keep herself safer when she engages in this behavior. The damage bulimia can do is more insiduous, and you may not recognize she is in danger until something major happens. Both are addictive behaviors.

 

If she won't go yet would she consider something like Food Addicts Anonymous where there are people with all types of food addictions. In the program she'll learn that it stems from a sugar addiction (white products). My neighbor had a serious food addiction and she has had some many +s from using the program. I think it would be a starting place.

 

:grouphug:

 

Since eating disorders are not about food, I would recommend a group that is led by a trained professional and specializes in anorexia/bulimia. ANAD groups are wonderful! They have rules that keep participants from discussing behaviors in a way that is triggering. My concern with being taught that a sugar addiction or any other particular food is driving an ED is that people with EDs already label foods as good or bad. It's important to get away from that thinking to recover. I would hate to see your daughter move from bulimia into anorexia. It is typical for EDs to morph like that. Is there a group that family members can go to? There is an ANAD group in Chicago that is open to support people as well as people with EDs.

 

I would encourage you not to panic: most people out grow this, very few people die of it. If the pastor can't sway her to go, then I would work on counseling locally. If SHE won't go, you go yourself, with hubby.QUOTE]

 

In my experience, many, many people do not outgrow this. Even with therapy, the relapse rate is incredibly high and ED thinking continues to affect the way people think for a lifetime. I don't mean to sound pessimistic. Maybe it's just my experience.

 

I have no experience with bulimia or cutting, but just wanted to add that sometimes, oftentimes (myself at that age included) young people don't see the big picture and consequences of self destructive behavior. It took for me realizing that a certain behavior REALLY was counter productive to my dreams and goals. My suggestion is to pull up some worst case scenarios online, through books, etc. and have dd make a list of all the pros and cons of bulimia and cutting and let your dd face the facts. Bulimia cons- possibly never be able to bear children, permanent physical injury, having to be forcibly hospitalized, your metabolism changes for the worse, etc. Get some real life new articles and books or whatever for her to read about the REAL consequences of the behaviors and let her make an informed decision so to speak. If she's not willing to give it or realized that she needs help then you have to do what you have to do. Just a thought.

 

Edited to add..basically why not have her do a research project on it? May sound dumb but again it's maybe not so personal this way or would be seen as a personal attack and could bring her outside of the behavior and be able to maybe look at it from the outside looking in?

 

I would guess she knows a lot about her ED. People with EDs are generally all too aware of the potential complications. They are very well read and researched on EDs. I think that is a part of the ED. I would encourage you to be careful what she reads. There are many books about EDs that are very triggering and will only drive her into more behaviors. There are lots of websites that are pro-ana and pro-mia (Ana and Mia are the pet names for anorexia and bulimia.) that give girls a sense of community. They are not recovery focused. There are dangerous tips, products, and contests on these websites.

 

 

 

I have heard great things about Remuda. The program I was in was similar. Please be careful about using guilt as a motivator. The ED mind is so full of guilt. It can be a driving force behind the ED. I know the financial strain is real, but maybe you could look at it this way - if she needed cancer treatment, you would pay whatever you needed. She is sick. Eating disorders are not a choice, but a sickness. Yes, there are choices she will have to make to get better, just like the patient with cancer must choose to take their meds to get better. But it isn't as simple as deciding to stop the behaviors. Even if she could be behavior free for awhile, she needs treatment to learn to deal with life and see herself in a different way or she will be very likely to relapse.

 

I will be praying for you and for her. I'll also send you a PM with my number if you want to talk. You can tell this is near and dear to my heart.

[gingersmom]

There is someone in my extended family who had a history of anorexia/bulimia.

 

They spent several months in rehab and at one point the parents were required to attend counseling sessions with them.

 

It was in South Carolina but I am not sure of the name.

[LisaC]

I posted this yesterday, but it did not post yet because I added a link--so if it does post later, please excuse the repitition.

 

I used to work for Mercy Ministries, and while no place is perfect, I can tell you that Mercy is even better than what you have probably heard. You can't imagine the love and respect with which the girls are treated. The program is hard because it involves letting go of some deep hurts, but it is without question the best I have ever seen. If your daughter is unsure about MM, you may want to encourage her to ask as many questions as she can to the person conducting the admission interview. Many of the people on staff are Mercy grads who have overcome the same problems the girls face, so they are empathetic, but very serious about helping the girls stay with the program. There are also books and videos available on the website (that was the link I put on the previous post)which may help your daughter make her decision and help you understand where she is spiritually and emotionally right now. I also know you can read many of the girls' stories on the website as well. I am praying for you both, and am available by email if I can help answer any of your questions.

[Dooley]

I just found out the price of Remuda Ranch. I could buy a home for that price. My husband is giving them our financial info to see what happens, but at this point, I do not expect we can send her there. Even if the price is cut in half - thats 80K!!!!

 

Dd filled out the Mercy Ministries info and is going to call them tomorrow. I am fearful she will not sound very committed, that she will downplay what is going on....that she wont get in. She is balking at the 6 month time commitment. Please, please pray with me - I know ALL things are possible with God - it is clear that right now, placing her is out of my immediate control......

[lllll]

Praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[junepep]

I do not know what I am supposed to do. Am I supposed to just sit here while she destroys herself? What am I being blind about? Is there any advice for us?

 

Do whatever you have to to get her to make the call to get into the program so that she can get help now. She is manipulating you, it's part of the problem, don't let her manipulate you into allowing her not to make that phone call. From your description she may be bordering on suicidal as well, please don't try to fix this at home. Be strong and get her the help that she needs irregardless of her complaints and behaviour. :grouphug:

 

She will never be "cured" of bulimia (just as you can't be cured of alcoholism or smoking), but hopefully the 6mo program will allow her to find the faith and perserverance to push through. Don't be disappointed if she requires "more" after this and talk to your pastor and a therapist while she is away to figure out how you can best help her once she returns home.

[Dooley]

So we just found out Remuda Ranch will be...only $36,000. Needless to say, that can't be done

 

She faxed her initial application to Mercy Ministries. Our older dd lit into her and told her to light a fire, get off her behind, stop causing the family misery. It was not nice, but maybe she needed to hear it. I dont know. She has to call MM late tomorrow for the next step. I cant MAKE her commit, please pray with us that she will....

[Starr]

I'm not sure telling her she needs to do this for the family is the way to go. She will feel better if she goes even if it takes a while. And she is going to have to go somewhere to get well so a nicer place that she commits to sounds like a good idea. Keeping you in my prayers.

[jenL]

Praying for you all... I wish there was an easy answer to this. God bless you.

[TechWife]

Our older dd lit into her and told her to light a fire, get off her behind, stop causing the family misery. It was not nice, but maybe she needed to hear it.

Good job sis!

[jld]

Does your dd have someone in her life she trusts, someone she feels is always in her corner, like a favorite aunt or grandmother, or even the mom of a good friend? My niece survived some pretty hard times with my sister by relying on the moms of friends. That was ten years ago, and she is still close with those moms. She is so grateful to them.

 

I'm sorry treatment is so expensive. I wish our country had different priorities, and would fund these sorts of treatment programs. I feel so sorry for your daughter; I can only imagine the pain she is in. I'm really sorry you have to choose financially between education and health care.

 

Really, really hoping here for the light of love to break through the storm clouds for your daughter . . .

[kwg]

- the biggest "problem" in the home is between my two older daughters. I told my oldest that if she cannot have a heart and treat this dd with compassion, she will have to go live somewhere else until she felt different- she will be 18 in 2 months. They have a long history of problems between them and our oldest is pretty rough. Our other daughter is pretty sweet and can't take the stuff our oldest hands out.

 

Our older dd lit into her and told her to light a fire, get off her behind, stop causing the family misery. It was not nice, but maybe she needed to hear it. I dont know. ....

 

 

Same sister? If so I might tell older dd not to help anymore.

 

Have you looked into support groups in your area? ANAD http://www.anad.org/ might be of some help. It takes a while I think to get into some places so while you are waiting it would be nice to have support for her. A therapist would be good too even though I know you said she tried it but really sometimes it takes a while before someone clicks. I would also try to get her blood work done to make sure her electrolytes and potassium adn whatever else is all normal. This is a really good site for information http://www.something-fishy.org/dangers/dangers.php They have lists of support groups and therapists and a forum for loved ones I think.

 

:grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

Do whatever you have to to get her to make the call to get into the program so that she can get help now. She is manipulating you, it's part of the problem, don't let her manipulate you into allowing her not to make that phone call.

 

I agree, this is emotional manipulation:

She doesnt want to spend 6 months there. She wants to go to CA. I said CA is off the table for now. You will not go until after rehab. She said oh, that just makes me want to cut....

 

I think you really need to get into a counseling program for yourself in order to recognize manipulative behaviors. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you get some help for your dd and your family. :grouphug: