Do I *do* something about toddler hitting?

[PeterPan]

My toddler ds whacks and rams at people, as it seems to me most boys would. It's nothing malicious or angry, just boyish. Dd however doesn't like the pain (no surprise), and another dc guest seemed to think it was a spanking offense. That honestly had never occurred to me, since it seems more experimental (or pestering) than hurting.

 

So am I crazy on that? Am I missing the boat? When he rams dd with a toy repeatedly, I ask her why she didn't MOVE. Duh. Is that insensitive? should I be trying harder to curb it? I have to tell you, 10 years make you a lot more laid back, lol.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

IMHO, I would stop those sort of hitting activities by saying "no" and physically separating him a few feet apart to stop the hitting. If he is old enough you could also give a simple explanation such as "No. Hitting hurts others. We do not hurt others."

[TXMomof4]

I would remove the toddler from the situation. I'm supposed to be helping him learn self-control, not expecting my other kids to tolerate it until he gets tired of hitting them.

DS has just started whacking people for fun and it's exhausting to keep up with him, but I've spent way too much time trying to 'protect' my kids from other children who think nothing of beating on them to let my son think it's ok. KWIM?

ETA: I don't spank for it. But he doesn't get to keep playing with his sisters, or anyone else if he's going to ruin the fun for everyone.

[KJsMom]

My personal opinion, I don't think it is ok to allow a child to think they can hit others. Even at a very young age. Of course they are going to try it, kids have to define their boundaries, but I don't think you should just let him run roughshod over others. Blaming your daughter could cause hard feelings toward her little brother. Yes she could move, but why should she have to?

[Kate in Arabia]

 

IMHO, I would stop those sort of hitting activities by saying "no" and physically separating him a few feet apart to stop the hitting.

:iagree: I also don't really see this as a "boys will be boys" issue; maybe I haven't been around enough little boys (other than my own, lol) to know.

[Impish]

My dd would be very hurt if I expected her to simply move out of the way of her toy bashing brother. Like asking the victim of a hit and run why they didn't dodge, kwim?

 

Yes, he absolutely should be disciplined. Well, let me rephrase: in my house, he would absolutely be disciplined, and has been. Tazzie and Princess have both gone through it, and both have had time outs, toys taken away, etc.

 

Its rare that it happens any more.

[Carol in Cal.]

I wouldn't spank, but I would be able to see when he was about to do it and hold his arm, and say something like, "People are so special. Hitting hurts people. We don't hurt people; we hug them." and then give him a hug. Toddlers and preschoolers are so suggestible that this usually really works, hokey and ineffective though it would sound to an older child. But really, it's as much for the older kids as for him that you prevent this--you don't want them to get the idea that this is OK either. It does take a lot of supervision 'on the ground'.

[Dobela]

I didn't spank my dd or my ds for hitting. Usually I would just take them to a time out place and make them stay there for a minute or so while telling them that hitting hurts etc. I did also have to teach my ds to actually tell dd why he was upset instead of whining to me. "Sissy, you hit me and I don't like it. Please dont' do it again." Which of course at first she would and then I would put her in timeout away from her beloved brother. It took a few times but she has finally stopped. I also think that her increased vocabulary has helped as well. She can actually say, "I want you to look at me".

[forty-two]

Yeah, it comes across as kind of insensitive, imho. I do think it is natural toddler behavior, and not malicious or anything (your ds is just a month older than my younger dd - I see this sort of thing a lot, too), but it *is* hurting your dd - she shouldn't have to put up with that. As adults, neither dh nor myself particularly like to be hurt, even innocently by a cute toddler ;), and we don't allow her to do it to us. (No spanking, just telling her no and redirecting.)

 

As dd3.5 isn't a fan of getting hurt, either (and we certainly make her stop what she is doing when it hurts dd18mo, even if she was just playing), we extend the same courtesy to our her, and actively enforce the "no hurting people or animals" rule our house has. In our case, I *can't* just let dd18mo whack at her older sister with abandon, as dd3.5 will quickly come up with her own solution, which is usually hitting her back :glare:. But I try very hard to not let dd18mo get away with behavior that I would never let dd3.5 do.

 

Now, if both sides are ok with the ramming game, then that's fine. But it's clear your dd isn't fine with it - and the age difference, imo, doesn't make it acceptable behavior for your ds to be allowed to hurt his sister. Since he is too young to understand and control his actions without help, then I think it is you and your dh's responsibility to provide that help. No one should be allowed to hurt someone else - and as the aggressor, it's your ds who needs to change his behavior, not your dd. (Is it the responsibility of the bullied to avoid the bully?)

[FO4UR]

I take the little offending hand and hold it in mine as I say "Don't hit people!" One warning and Baby is on my hip! If you can't play nicely, you can't play!

 

Give "high-fives", hit one of those blow-up thingy's that bounce back, hit a drum (coffee can), but don't hit people!

 

The offending toy would be confiscated after one warning to not ram sister with the toy. Again, "if you can't play nicely with the truck, you don't play with the truck."

 

Mine are all closer in age, so I deal with this often.:tongue_smilie: Baby learns to manipulate Mommy into getting what Baby wants REAL quick....just b/c Baby is the Baby doesn't mean it's healthy for Baby to behave like a baby....don't ask me how I know this, it might mean admitting that I, myself, have fallen prey to the manipulations of a tiny tot...who is incredibly cute btw.;)

 

I don't know how old your little guy is...that would make a difference. I have found that for littles, it's moe effective to hold the offending hand than putting in a time out. There is no mistaking what that NO is for when mommy has your hand.

[NanceXToo]

I definitely don't think it is a spanking offense (there's something a bit twisted about hitting a child to teach them not to hit, isn't there?) but I certainly don't think you should just expect your older kids to tolerate it either. You need to remove your younger son from the situation and the people he is hitting and tell him firmly "No hitting, Hitting hurts" and distract him onto something else.

[Danestress]

and when a boy was getting too physically annoying, I would just scoop him up and say "no, we don't hit" or "no, we don't head butt" and put him in the play pen for a few. Or sometimes I would just hold him. They actually could climb out of the play pen anyway, but it wasn't a big deal. It allowed me to address it in a consistent way every time without having any over-reaction or really any anger at all. I am someone who likes to just have a basic "every time" response to minor things. I do consider it minor, but I also think it's a great opportunity to train. Why would you want to train your son that when he feels like smacking his sister with a toy, it's her problem to move? It seems better to me to train him that when he's aggravating, he will have a little separation from the situation.

 

I think you can be "laid back" and still sort of prod him to civilized behavior. If you have a four year old who feels entitled to pester people physically, it will be a lot more annoying, but you will have given him several years of learning that it's okay to do that.

[forty-two]

there's something a bit twisted about hitting a child to teach them not to hit, isn't there

:iagree:

[PeterPan]

He's 18 months. I think you're right that teaching is appropriate, and arbitrary harsh discipline (spanking) for it doesn't fit. It's been a LONG time since we did any of this, lol. Now that I think about it though, that's what we did with dd, going through a teaching stage first, THEN disciplining when it seemed like we had taught long enough that she was ready to be accountable.

 

However I do think that an almost 11 yo ought to be able to solve her own problems rather than whining. Anyone should have tools and communication skills to deal with their problems. Just because someone is bullying you doesn't mean you just say yeah, hit me and lie down on the ground to be pummelled. I don't allow him to hit or pester me. Guess I just haven't figured out how to put into words WHAT she can pro-actively do to change the situation when she's in it.

 

See what surprised me is the whine to Mom mentality I was seeing (in some other kids, not mine). If the discipline is all top down and you never learn to deal with your own problems or confront the offender, then you just become a whiner. I guess that's what I was wanting to help dd learn. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, lol.

 

I'll have to think on it from the perspective of what will/would be a problem if he were 3. You're right, there's a progression and what is small now is not later. But I really do find myself a LOT more laidback now than I was doing the toddler stage the first time through, 10 years ago. I'm not worried about these things. I know we'll work it out sooner or later, so it just doesn't worry me.

[PeterPan]

He's 18 months. I think you're right that teaching is appropriate, and arbitrary harsh discipline (spanking) for it doesn't fit. It's been a LONG time since we did any of this, lol. Now that I think about it though, that's what we did with dd, going through a teaching stage first, THEN disciplining when it seemed like we had taught long enough that she was ready to be accountable.

 

However I do think that an almost 11 yo ought to be able to solve her own problems rather than whining. Anyone should have tools and communication skills to deal with their problems. Just because someone is bullying you doesn't mean you just say yeah, hit me and lie down on the ground to be pummelled. I don't allow him to hit or pester me. Guess I just haven't figured out how to put into words WHAT she can pro-actively do to change the situation when she's in it.

 

See what surprised me is the whine to Mom mentality I was seeing (in some other kids, not mine). If the discipline is all top down and you never learn to deal with your own problems or confront the offender, then you just become a whiner. I guess that's what I was wanting to help dd learn. I wasn't trying to be insensitive, lol.

 

I'll have to think on it from the perspective of what will/would be a problem if he were 3. You're right, there's a progression and what is small now is not later. But I really do find myself a LOT more laidback now than I was doing the toddler stage the first time through, 10 years ago. I'm not worried about these things. I know we'll work it out sooner or later, so it just doesn't worry me.

[PeterPan]

and when a boy was getting too physically annoying, I would just scoop him up and say "no, we don't hit" or "no, we don't head butt" and put him in the play pen for a few. Or sometimes I would just hold him. They actually could climb out of the play pen anyway, but it wasn't a big deal. It allowed me to address it in a consistent way every time without having any over-reaction or really any anger at all. I am someone who likes to just have a basic "every time" response to minor things. I do consider it minor, but I also think it's a great opportunity to train. Why would you want to train your son that when he feels like smacking his sister with a toy, it's her problem to move? It seems better to me to train him that when he's aggravating, he will have a little separation from the situation.

 

I think you can be "laid back" and still sort of prod him to civilized behavior. If you have a four year old who feels entitled to pester people physically, it will be a lot more annoying, but you will have given him several years of learning that it's okay to do that.

 

I think you hit on the head what I was looking for! But what do you do when you're NOT right there. Most of this is happening when dd (almost 11) and ds are together. They'll be doing this or that, and then I'll hear howling. So I need some kind of low level, consistent response that deals with this. Because it's the interaction between the two of them, it really seems to me dd needs a tool, a consistent, easy to implement response. And while I think I COULD swoop in every single time like some referree, it also seems to me that could backfire, undermining her growth in solving her own problems.

 

Make sense?

[LibraryLover]

I've never spanked, but I also wouldn't let that continue when I saw it. I would gently hold or remove the child, saying "Gentle touching" or "No hurting". I wouldn't let him to continue to bash anyone. Not an adult, not another child. I call this physical gudiance, although it has nothing to do with spaking the child or punishing him. Toddlers can often be overstimulated by certain events, and need us to step in and help them redirect their energy.

Edited April 26, 2010 by LibraryLover

[hillfarm]

Sounds to me like it is time to start moving toward the concepts of obedience and rules with your toddler. If it is not okay to hit or ram when Mommy is present, then it's not okay to do it when she is not there either. Same as with not sticking paper clips into electrical outlets, touching the stove burners, letting oneself outside,etc. Rules are rules whether Mommy is there to enforce them or not.

 

Regarding the older child, it is not her responsibility or right to discipline her sibling, unless instructed to do so, and HOW to do so by a parent. Some 11yo's might have the maturity to provide good discipline, others probably don't. Honestly, I would have flattened my db for ramming me.

 

BTW, if I encountered someone in a social situation who permitted their toddler to hurt my child, I would be really angry. I have pulled my dd out of groups where this was happening when she was younger. And mild admonitions to "not hit friends", with no discipline would not have made the situation any better. IMO, it is the parent's responsibility to either control their child and not let them hurt others or to remove the offender from the social situation until they can learn how to behave properly in a social situation. (I'm not talking about an accident, or a single act of bad judgement on the part of a toddler. I'm referring to a continual, uncorrected problem.)

[cjbeach]

I always stopped any kind of hitting in my house by saying things like "Hands are for helping not hurting," "gentle hands," and usually taking their hand rubbing softly on my face or arm and saying "soft hands."

[dirty ethel rackham]

should I be trying harder to curb it? I have to tell you, 10 years make you a lot more laid back, lol.

 

Um, yeah! Just because it is a developmentally expected behavior does not mean it is a tolerable behavior. Why does the other person have to move when this child is misbehaving. It doesn't matter if it is not done with a malicious intent - it is still hurtful and annoying. If the child cannot control impulses his own impulses, it is up to the parent to provide the control. I am opposed to spanking and I try to parent with as little punishment as possible. However, I cannot abide parents who will not get off their posteriors and do their jobs! I am sorry if that sounds harsh but i am tired of situations where my kids had to suffer because someone else would not do their jobs.

 

So, what do you do? Separate, redirect, teach "no!"

[2squared]

However I do think that an almost 11 yo ought to be able to solve her own problems rather than whining. Anyone should have tools and communication skills to deal with their problems. Just because someone is bullying you doesn't mean you just say yeah, hit me and lie down on the ground to be pummelled. I don't allow him to hit or pester me. Guess I just haven't figured out how to put into words WHAT she can pro-actively do to change the situation when she's in it.

 

This is what I used to think with my olders until my dh gave me some insight. What was I expecting them to do? Once they asked/told the littles to stop hitting/ramming/etc and the toddler didn't stop, what were they supposed to do? Were they supposed to take away the toys? Were they supposed to hit back? Were they supposed to discipline the toddler? The only appropriate responses I could come up with were things the Mom could/should do. Now, I ask my olders to politely ask the toddler to stop the annoyance. If/when the toddler doesn't, then I guide/discipline the toddler. In the end, the behavior modification needs to come from the toddler, and the parent needs to guide/direct their behavior.

[Osmosis Mom]

Elizabeth, You have to nip his hitting in the bud before he gets used to it. There is simply nothing sweet about a toddler hitting and if he gets away with terrorizing sister, then that is soon going to spill over. No other mother is going to enjoy having her toddler or child around a hitting toddler/kid so take that into account. This is not playground self-defense time!!

 

I had one twin who began getting extremely aggressive at this age and it turned out she had vision problems, fyi. That was taken care of and the problem went away.

[KJsMom]

Now that I think about it though, that's what we did with dd, going through a teaching stage first, THEN disciplining when it seemed like we had taught long enough that she was ready to be accountable.

 

However I do think that an almost 11 yo ought to be able to solve her own problems rather than whining. Anyone should have tools and communication skills to deal with their problems. Just because someone is bullying you doesn't mean you just say yeah, hit me and lie down on the ground to be pummelled. I don't allow him to hit or pester me. Guess I just haven't figured out how to put into words WHAT she can pro-actively do to change the situation when she's in it.

 

 

 

You taught your daughter not to hit or be agressive. Now that she is in a situation where she is being "bullied" she is resorting to what she knows. She doesn't have the authority to discipline him and she can't hit him back, so she whines. She doesn't want to give up her space when he hits her and she doesn't have a good way to make him stop so it becomes your problem. We've been there!

[FriedClams]

IMHO, I would stop those sort of hitting activities by saying "no" and physically separating him a few feet apart to stop the hitting. If he is old enough you could also give a simple explanation such as "No. Hitting hurts others. We do not hurt others."

 

:iagree:

[higginszoo]

This is not cute, and allowing him to continue will not serve him well in life.

 

When mine went through these stages, I removed them to be by themselves for a few minutes. I considered this to be a good real-life consequence, because if he learns that this is ok, everyone will avoid him and he'll be alone in real life.

[Caribbean Queen]

IBecause it's the interaction between the two of them, it really seems to me dd needs a tool, a consistent, easy to implement response. And while I think I COULD swoop in every single time like some referree, it also seems to me that could backfire, undermining her growth in solving her own problems.

 

Make sense?

 

I don't think a child should be expected to solve the problem of their sibling physically hurting them.

[Danestress]

when his siblings were born, so I know exactly what you mean. I had to teach my oldest "proportionate response" so that he would be gentle in dealing with his twin brothers. Mostly he was, but not perfectly so, and it did take practice and training. But I did let him have a response as an authority figure and not just a co-equal sibling. He would have done wht I did, more or less. If he said, "No, don't hit" and the child kept doing it, he would also probably have used the play pen. I really struggled with this, but in the end, I think it worked okay for us to have our older son go ahead and be an authority with some limited power. He didn't abuse it (very often) and had a better relationship with them because of it.

 

I felt like it was a great chance to teach my son how to be a gentle but disciplined father!

[fairfarmhand]

my oldest dd is able to do some limited things. For instance, she can remove a toy (weapon) from her baby brother's hand or she can grab his hand to make him stop (gently of course) all the while she should be calling for mom. This only happens when I am not in the room and only lasts until I get there. It helps her not to be continually assaulted while I am on the way. Then I can step in and do the disciplining.

[cillakat]

Give her some direct instruction on doing the things *you* do to stop him.

 

If that doesn't work, then consider it a behavioral issue on her part whining about it to get you involved is getting more energy from you than anything else is. Continue to work on skills with her, but give *more* energy to the positive, proactive stuff she does.

 

_Transforming the Difficult Child_ was transformative here. Apparently Glasser has a new book out with the same information essentially - just updated and better organized. 1000% worth it.

 

K

 

 

I wouldn't go the opposite direction, though, and ignore her

[KRG]

I don't think spanking is the answer to stop his head-butting but, yes you do need to do more to stop the behavior. He needs to learn boundaries and appropriate behavior. The next person he head-butts or rams may not be a family member...

[myfunnybunch]

I'm supposed to be helping him learn self-control, not expecting my other kids to tolerate it until he gets tired of hitting them.

 

Yes.

 

I would definitely intervene if my toddler was hitting or hurting any other person. Just because it's his sister doesn't make it all right. Just because he's little, or a boy, or she's overreacting doesn't make it all right for him to hurt her.

 

I do get where you're coming from about your dd learning to set good boundaries. You want make sure she's not learning to play the victim and expecting to be rescued.

 

Some coaching about how to respond when she's hit is appropriate. I teach my kids:

Move away.

Say firmly "Stop! You're hurting me!"

AND Ask for help if you need it. (If you are hurt or if the behavior doesn't stop immediately.)

 

Then I would teach the toddler that "Stop" means STOP. He must respond to sister (to anyone) when she moves away and says stop. If he doesn't, I'd treat it like any other discipline issue you'd deal with.

 

I wouldn't want to inadvertently teach a child that if someone is violating a physical boundary, I expect them to deal with it on their own. I want my kids to learn to set their own boundaries and know that they've got Mom for back-up, always.

 

Cat

[ChrissySC]

My personal opinion, I don't think it is ok to allow a child to think they can hit others. Even at a very young age. Of course they are going to try it, kids have to define their boundaries, but I don't think you should just let him run roughshod over others. Blaming your daughter could cause hard feelings toward her little brother. Yes she could move, but why should she have to?

 

This hit home here. I never thought about how often I tell dd to move because other dd is acting inappropriately. THANKS!

[KrissiK]

I'd definitely say, "no no" and remove the child from the situation repeatedly until they get it. I also teach my children that if another child is doing something they don't like to look them in the eye and say firmly, "Stop!". The "offending child" is then required to stop whatever it is they are doing. I've been trying to get my kids to take care of themselves when someone is doing something they don't like and also to teach them that if someone says, "Stop!" they need to stop immediately.

[Kimber]

My ds10 was sometimes attacked by his little brother because the 4 year old felt powerless. My 10 year old would start to cry because he felt unable to do anything. We taught him not to hit, and he didn't. He didn't want to hurt his brother, but he felt powerless to control his spoiled little brother.

 

I tell him to come and get me and I will handle him. I am the police. There are times in life when it is necessary to call the police and that is learning to solve your problem, appropriately.

 

I would stop make it my point to come immediately. Ten is still young.

[Mommee & Baba]

This hit home here. I never thought about how often I tell dd to move because other dd is acting inappropriately. THANKS!

I too just sat here and had a few big HELLO moments myself. Several times I'm having the older kids move away from their smacking and rough-housing 14 month old brother.

 

I also have asked the middle dd of mine to move out of her brother's way when he's smacking her toys and breaking her lego house she built...HOW insensitive!! Thanks for posting this...Thanks for those whom replied with a warm heart...Thanks to those whom aren't judging others for being human mommies.:D

[PeterPan]

when his siblings were born, so I know exactly what you mean. I had to teach my oldest "proportionate response" so that he would be gentle in dealing with his twin brothers. Mostly he was, but not perfectly so, and it did take practice and training. But I did let him have a response as an authority figure and not just a co-equal sibling. He would have done wht I did, more or less. If he said, "No, don't hit" and the child kept doing it, he would also probably have used the play pen. I really struggled with this, but in the end, I think it worked okay for us to have our older son go ahead and be an authority with some limited power. He didn't abuse it (very often) and had a better relationship with them because of it.

 

I felt like it was a great chance to teach my son how to be a gentle but disciplined father!

 

Danestress, I really appreciate your elaborating on this. While I don't want dd to become the disciplinarian, it is true that with a large gap that are inherently NOT co-equal. I think I'm going to think through the ways she can respond. I had someone suggest to me (irl) that I just let her whomp him back. This does not seem to me, upon further reflection, to reflect a good spirit or good direction, so I don't want to do that. And honestly, I had not pursued the thought that I needed to have a "rule" on this. Like most things I'm pretty pragmatic: get there sooner or later, somehow. It was only with someone coming over and him whomping on this guest that it became clear we were crossing a line.

 

Yes, he's growing up faster than I want, losing his innocence faster than I perceive, and probably coddled a bit too much. :)

[Barb_]

Give her some direct instruction on doing the things *you* do to stop him.

 

 

This was what I was going to say. Since your daughter is 8 years older than your son, she's old enough for him to see her as an authority to a certain extent. Once you decide how you want to handle the hitting, teach her to handle it the same way. When Keira recently went through a slapping phase (frustration, mischief, etc), I would take her hands in mine, wrinkle my eyebrows (the kids call them "mad brows") at her and tell her, "No hitting. We do not hit people. (Then more gently: ) We pat people nicely." And I would take her hands, smile, and show her how to gently pet my face, asking her to do it herself afterward. This also works for cats :) The children all used the exact same technique and the slapping went away within a week. Consistent response helps to reinforce what you want to teach. When there is a large age spread between your children, it's helpful to teach them how to reinforce your lessons without overstepping their boundaries and trying to parent their siblings. Ideally this is done well before toddler has outgrown cute :D Think about it this way, you have a terrific opportunity to teach your daughter how to be a wonderful parent and babysitter. Everyone in the neighborhood will be fighting over her in a few years.

 

The little boy our todders' age down the street has an older sister with whom he spends all his time. Their mom is pretty exhausted and tries not to let things slide, but the little ones tend to get pretty physical with one another. Poor Keira made the mistake of touching something of his at a yard sale and the child bopped her about the head and face 4-5 times before any of us could get to them...all the time he was smiling at her, not the least preturbed. Keira was shocked, I was shocked, and the child's mom was mortified.

 

Another time when Emily was about 4 months old , a friend of mine had a rough toddler. Emily was laying on something Camille wanted, so Camille walked over and lifted Emily up by her hair to get to it.

 

Finally, I have a picture of poor Collin at about 9 months old with a 5-finger claw mark across the length of his face. He started the slapping thing early and our cat didn't care for it. We had to give her away to a friend because we decided she and he were too dangerous together.

 

So yeah, better nip it in the bud. He could accidentally hurt someone or something smaller than himself.

 

Barb

Edited April 27, 2010 by Barb F. PA in AZ

[babysparkler]

I think you hit on the head what I was looking for! But what do you do when you're NOT right there. Most of this is happening when dd (almost 11) and ds are together. They'll be doing this or that, and then I'll hear howling. So I need some kind of low level, consistent response that deals with this. Because it's the interaction between the two of them, it really seems to me dd needs a tool, a consistent, easy to implement response. And while I think I COULD swoop in every single time like some referree, it also seems to me that could backfire, undermining her growth in solving her own problems.

 

Make sense?

 

I get you, Elizabeth. I have the same issues with my "little" and older children. When I am around, I most definitely stop the behavior immediately... but I'm not always there to do so. I definitely feel like the older children should take it upon themselves to move away, or stop the behavior if I am not around to grab his hands and discipline. It is part of being a big brother or big sister and looking out for the little one and helping to "teach" him.

 

I have lots of talks with my "olders" about child development stages. They know and can identify when one of the siblings is, for instance, "being selfish" because it is a developmental stage (as opposed to a choice to be selfish). They seem to have more grace for the littles when they realize that they are still in a learning stage... and they are more willing to be helpers/teachers and are definitely more understanding. They know that we are working on teaching proper behaviors and that we are not "there" yet. I can't say that it stops all of the whining and frustration, but it has definitely gotten better.

[Barb_]

 

I have lots of talks with my "olders" about child development stages. They know and can identify when one of the siblings is, for instance, "being selfish" because it is a developmental stage (as opposed to a choice to be selfish). They seem to have more grace for the littles when they realize that they are still in a learning stage... and they are more willing to be helpers/teachers and are definitely more understanding. They know that we are working on teaching proper behaviors and that we are not "there" yet. I can't say that it stops all of the whining and frustration, but it has definitely gotten better.

 

Yes, you're right. I think the whining is borne of frustration. When an older child knows she shouldn't fight back but isn't clear on how to stop the behavior, whining results. Teaching an older child to teach their siblings creates a feeling of protectiveness and good will rather than jealously and powerlessness.

 

Barb

[PeterPan]

Oh Barb, thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was what I needed!!! Just a little change in perspective, and we can get there. And you're right, she was becoming more frustrated than I realized.

[Irene Lynn]

I haven't read everything, but I relate to your first post. Our dd is 13.5 years older than our son and I have used that as a way to train her. She was not an aggressive child at all. Our son, on the other hand, has been a hitter, biter, head butter, body slammer, tantrum throwing child. He is now 3 and I have worked on this a lot, but he has just taken a LOT more work than his sister. Some of it has been due to anger and some of it has been his need to have physical impact. Either way it hurts. :) I do give dd permission to stop any hitting by stopping his hand or removing the toy, while telling him not to hit her. If he continues and I am not there (because of her age, I sometimes leave her in charge, while I run a quick errand that wouldn't be quick, if he went along) she can physically remove him, while still telling him to stop. I have had to work with her to keep his best interests in mind/heart while correcting him. He certainly needs correcting, but she doesn't need to take his actions personally or act like a victim about it. I don't know how well she would have done at your dd's age though. I would have had to step in much more.

 

When I correct our ds when he is smashing and bashing without anger, I try to offer an alternative. If he needs to bash something, then I can tell him that we don't hit people or furniture, but here is the pillow that he can always bash, if he wants. I give him an acceptable place and keep it consistent. You know, that constant reminder, "Remember, that is not the pillow. We only have fun bashing the pillow, not people or furniture." If he insists on continuing, then he is warned (and I DO follow through rather quickly on anything that I warn him about.) that he will loose the toy until he can play with it correctly. (and correctly means any ole way you want to play with it that doesn't hurt people, floors, walls, or furniture or completely damage the toy. lol) At age 18 months I didn't keep the toy long, but returned it to him with the reminder of why I had to remove it and a reminder of what is expected. I really tried hard to find acceptable alternatives to his actions. If he wasn't trying to be mean, then there is a time and place for most things. I like his boyness. I want him to be tough. But I also want him to learn control and concern for others.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Elizabeth, I think it's nuts to hit kids for hitting. You <whack> may not <whack> hit people <whack>. HUH?

 

Anyway, I would tell him "gentle hands" and teach him to pet instead. Separate him if he hits. Ask him to say or sign "sorry." Try not to let him make contact (if it's you or sister, step away so his hit lands in the air, then have him do gentle hands).

 

Hitting goes away soon enough. Make sure he's getting plenty of sensory play and hard play. Be creative.

 

But allowing him to hit would be inappropriate. Hitting him for hitting would be dumb. He needs DISCIPLINE (teaching/guidance) not harshness.

[PeterPan]

Ooo, I hadn't thought about teaching him the sign for sorry! I'll have to find it. Maybe it's on the video I got. He's just getting good at expressing things with signs. He doesn't say much particularly, so signs are about the clearest way to express definite intent from him. I was bothered that he could sort of half-heartedly implement the kiss/hug routine we do when you hurt someone. The sign would be much clearer and more definite.

 

And yes, I've tossed the idea of letting dd retaliate. It seemed good for a moment, until I figured out it wasn't, lol.