s/o Are you honest with your kids about family relationships?

[coffeefreak]

We all have family issues, whether it's with our parents, his parents, ex husbands, siblings, etc. My MIL is coming Thursday because I'm having surgery Friday. My youngest asked why her other grandmother wasn't coming. I was honest with her, and said I didn't ask her to. When the kids asked why, I explained that she's not very helpful, and she doesn't want to come unless it's "fun" time where she can spoil them and do whatever she wants. The grandma that's coming will have fun with them, but she will also help daddy and me out by cooking and teaching school etc.

 

Then, I felt guilty. Trust me, I could have said A LOT more, but that was the nice portion of the truth. What they don't know/understand (and don't remember from my last major surgery) is my mother buys their love. She doesn't spend time with them, and when she does get left alone with them, she freaks out and complains the whole time. I don't get any rest, and dh ends up doing more work than if she had never come at all.

 

So, he and I had a long talk last night about how honest we should be with our kids. We refuse to lie to them, but there are ways of sugar coating the truth. I was reading Impish's thread, and it got me thinking about what we should tell our kids when it comes to unreasonable family members. Should we just be blatantly honest, or should we try and let them figure it out on their own? Should I really pretend that she's a "normal" person, or isn't that a little like allowing my kids to be swindled?

 

What do you do?

Blessings!

Dorinda

[mommaduck]

Yes. I see no point in lying to a child, particularly if the truth can help protect them.

[coffeefreak]

Yes. I see no point in lying to a child, particularly if the truth can help protect them.

 

Mommaduck made me realize I should clarify something, I would NEVER lie to a child or put a child in contact with a family member that had a history of sexual abuse or anything like that. We don't have any of those issues (thank God).

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[Lara in Colo]

My mother (whom shall be referred to as toxomom) and I do not have a good relationship. I think she may have what others on this board have referred to as a borderline personality disorder. We used to go though periods of not speaking and I would say something to the children that would get back to her (when we were speaking again) and BOY, the tears, the yelling, the silence. I learned to frost over the situation for the children (GM is REALLY busy, thats why we don't see her so much). They children are older and I am stronger (I don't really want them near her again or her near me) so I sometimes tell the truth. This Christmas I told the children this was th efirst Christmas in years that I didn't hate every minute from Halloween to Jan (her b-day) because GM ruined it for the whole family (esp. ME) and she is one of the reasons a beloved aunt (my SIL) moved to another state.

 

Lara

[Denisemomof4]

So, he and I had a long talk last night about how honest we should be with our kids. We refuse to lie to them, but there are ways of sugar coating the truth. I was reading Impish's thread, and it got me thinking about what we should tell our kids when it comes to unreasonable family members. Should we just be blatantly honest, or should we try and let them figure it out on their own? Should I really pretend that she's a "normal" person, or isn't that a little like allowing my kids to be swindled?

 

What do you do?

Blessings!

Dorinda

 

To "pretend" to your kids is to lie by omission.

 

At their young ages, I think what you did was fine. I do believe you need to tell them the truth, though, when they are old enough to understand. It's good to model respectful behavior as she is is still your mother and you want your kids to see you treating her respectfully. I also think it's good to allow your kids to have that relationship with her. Should you tell them she's buying their love? No. But when they're old enough, they'll remember the gifts, but they'll remember MORE the grandmother who showered them with attention, schooled them, and spent time with them.

 

We are very honest with our kids. I don't understand people who don't have open conversation with their kids. My sister shelters her kids from so many things and I don't think it's healthy. She and her husband also live this fake life, showering their kids with material items and vacations, and they are about to lose their home and recently filed for bankruptcy. I think to live the life they have has been a HUGE lie to their kids.

 

I suggest you be open and honest, but be discreet with the details you share.

[littlebug42]

I had a very difficult relationship with my Dad that caused me endless heartbreak through the years. Since my children were born, we came to an understanding of sorts and my children knew him and loved him without being colored by my pain. My Dad died in August and I am endlessly thankful that my children were just able to love him without all of my baggage coloring their perspective.

[fairfarmhand]

I think you did well. You were directly honest without adding in the extra stuff they don't need to know about. But they will probably fill in the rest in time on their own.

[MamaSheep]

We try to be honest with our kids, but we also try to give them only as much information as is useful to them, not all the gorey details.

[bluemongoose]

Mine are very young still. With one side of the family, we just tell them that they live very far away, so it is hard to get together. This is true...but actually we are not on speaking terms either. In the future (if things remain the same) they will have to know about it. For the time being I try to say positive things about them when I can and omit the negative.

 

There is another close relative that they do not know even exists. This is for a very very good reason, and I have no intention of telling them until they are older about this person.

 

I am not big on keeping secrets from my kids, but they also don't need to shoulder adult issues. I had to growing up...in a lot of ways I never felt like I had a childhood. I always worried about why someone was not getting along with another person, and they always told me their problems. It was overwhelming!

[swellmomma]

I am open to a point. I do not share everything with them, they don't need to know every nuance of the relationship troubles, but often they have witnessed my mom yelling at me about this or that. DS overheard my mom stating I should put him in foster care and be done with him etc. Those things we talk about. There is no point trying to shelter them from it when it is in their faces kwim. THe same is true when it comes to their father. I do not tell them what I actually think about my estranged husband and his lack of involvement in their lives, but when they ask why daddy isn't around, or doesn't call them etc I am honest with them in my answer. I guess you can say I am open about the facts, not the emotions tied in with them, in a way.

[Pippen]

We refuse to lie to them, but there are ways of sugar coating the truth. I was reading Impish's thread, and it got me thinking about what we should tell our kids when it comes to unreasonable family members. Should we just be blatantly honest, or should we try and let them figure it out on their own? Should I really pretend that she's a "normal" person, or isn't that a little like allowing my kids to be swindled?

 

 

That depends in part on if the child is old enough to keep the truth to themselves when family comes to visit. :scared:

[Guest janainaz]

I am blatantly honest. Relationships are what they are. However, even if my kids hear some negative aspect of someone or something, I still instill in them that you've got to seek out what is good and hold on to that. Everyone is flawed, everyone is different, and no one thinks exactly the same way.

 

I'm learning myself and teaching my kids not to take other people personally. My father likes to come visit us in AZ, stay 4 days and he's dieing to get back to his life. So we enjoy him while he's here and we show him love as much as we can and take what we can get. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I feel the biggest lesson and most important aspect of being honest with your kids about relationships, is that parents can model how to get along with other people. Kids see things and they are more in tune and in touch than we give them credit for. Why sugar-coat anything? I'd rather my kids have real and healthy relationships and part of that is learning to accept and appreciate other people as they are.

[SilverMoon]

I don't lie to them if I'm flat out asked, but I do try to keep somewhat neutral and let them form their own opinions. Especially when this is a person that they'll be around with any frequency.

 

An example would be when my 9yo dd asked me why we told one Grandma we were expecting another baby shortly after we knew, but didn't tell the other one until she visited and saw the obviously childbearing belly. That particular grandmother wasn't told about baby #5 until we could hand her the baby, and dd knew that. MIL (thatgrandma) has been nothing but rude and mean when we announce pregnancies, even with our firstborn. But she loves playing with them and doing things with them when they visit. Go figure. My answer was something like, "Well, for some reason she really doesn't like pregnancy announcements, and responds rudely to them, but she loves babies. It just works out better for everyone if we can skip to the good part." Dd knows how quirky her grandmother is and just nodded as if it made perfect sense. However I see no reason to tell a 9yo the horrible things her grandmother has said about my pregnancy announcements with her and her siblings.

[bettyandbob]

My parents never lied to me, but they never told me directly what the deal was with my paternal grandparents. I'm glad. My brother, sister and I all figured out on our own there were issues.

 

My parents gave us a chance to have a relationship with them. As a family we visited regularly for holidays and for several years spent everyother weekend working on their farm in spring/summer/fall. So, my siblings had plenty of time to form relationships with my dad's parents. I think the reason we worked on the farm so much is my dad wanted a better relationship with them. Well we all figured out they had problems before dad gave up. I was 13 when dad gave up on them. We still visited holidays after that. The way my parents handled it resulted in us forming our opinion and it worked well for us.

[hillfarm]

I don't sugar coat the issue. My DM is a difficult person to be around and dd has discovered that all on her own. She is now having some of the same problems with her that I did when I was young. I refuse to pretend that all is well and that circumstances or some arbitrary decision on my part is what is keeping us apart. I don't want dd to grow up to wonder why I was so self centered that I never wanted to visit dear old grandma.

 

We're not talking about abuse here, just a sharp tongue and very self centered personality.

 

I will NOT smooth the road for DM with dd, merely to allow dd to develop a mistaken impression of who has caused and continues to cause us to have a very distant relationship. She has made the same bed with her gd as she did with me. Time to lie in it.

[Sara R]

I agree with the others above. Occasionally FIL's behavior affects our children. We have explained to them his issues so they don't take his rage personally. I think it is vitally important for them to understand it, so they don't assume that they caused the anger, kwim?

 

We also have tried to teach the children lessons from it, making FIL into what my mom calls a "good bad example." "Grandpa never learned to control his temper. See how it has made his whole life sad? It is so important to learn to control your temper so you can have a happier life." "Grandpa treats people he doesn't know very well really nice, but he is really mean to his own family. It is so important to be nice to your family. You can start learning that now by how you treat your brother and sister." That kind of thing. Those lessons really seem to sink in. My mom did the same thing with me when I was growing up, making an example of my drug-abusing aunt.

 

We don't get into every little detail with the kids, and they seem grateful not to know. Of course we aren't very private about these conversations (had to deal with way too many lately, sigh) so they could overhear if they wanted to. I don't think they want to though, lol. I just hope they know that we are protecting them as best as we can.

[ChristusG]

I will not lie to my kids.....but I will also not reveal things that they are not mature enough to understand. If there's a family issue, I will reveal to them what I feel is age appropriate, as I would do with any other circumstance.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I will not lie to my kids.....but I will also not reveal things that they are not mature enough to understand. If there's a family issue, I will reveal to them what I feel is age appropriate, as I would do with any other circumstance.

 

:iagree:

[elise1mds]

I don't lie to them if I'm flat out asked, but I do try to keep somewhat neutral and let them form their own opinions. Especially when this is a person that they'll be around with any frequency.

 

:iagree:

 

I won't let one particular BIL and his wife into my house any more if I can help it, but the kids have yet to ask why. If they do, I will just tell them that we don't get along but we are still nice to them when we do see them because that is what families do. They will figure the rest out. Toxicity spreads, and kids are highly intuitive.

[coffeefreak]

That depends in part on if the child is old enough to keep the truth to themselves when family comes to visit. :scared:

 

Oh, how we've learned the hard way from this one! :lol:

 

I agree with the others above. Occasionally FIL's behavior affects our children. We have explained to them his issues so they don't take his rage personally. I think it is vitally important for them to understand it, so they don't assume that they caused the anger, kwim?

 

We also have tried to teach the children lessons from it, making FIL into what my mom calls a "good bad example." "Grandpa never learned to control his temper. See how it has made his whole life sad? It is so important to learn to control your temper so you can have a happier life." "Grandpa treats people he doesn't know very well really nice, but he is really mean to his own family. It is so important to be nice to your family. You can start learning that now by how you treat your brother and sister." That kind of thing. Those lessons really seem to sink in. My mom did the same thing with me when I was growing up, making an example of my drug-abusing aunt.

 

We don't get into every little detail with the kids, and they seem grateful not to know. Of course we aren't very private about these conversations (had to deal with way too many lately, sigh) so they could overhear if they wanted to. I don't think they want to though, lol. I just hope they know that we are protecting them as best as we can.

 

This is what we've been able to do also. My Mother made a scene in a restaurant last summer and dd's were horrified. They were finally old enough to see she was wrong. It was a VERY teachable moment. To be fair to my Mom, I let her know she upset my girls. I thought it might help if she knew, but it didn't.

 

I will not lie to my kids.....but I will also not reveal things that they are not mature enough to understand. If there's a family issue, I will reveal to them what I feel is age appropriate, as I would do with any other circumstance.

 

We try to be honest with our kids, but we also try to give them only as much information as is useful to them, not all the gorey details.

 

Isn't that the hardest thing about being a parent? Figuring out what IS age appropriate and necessary, and what isn't.

 

I had a very difficult relationship with my Dad that caused me endless heartbreak through the years. Since my children were born, we came to an understanding of sorts and my children knew him and loved him without being colored by my pain. My Dad died in August and I am endlessly thankful that my children were just able to love him without all of my baggage coloring their perspective.

 

I have a similar background (my Dad is still alive though). My kids don't know ANYTHING about my difficult relationship with him because we reconciled shortly after 2nd dd was born and he really did turn over a new leaf. They love him and love spending time with him, as do my dh and I. I don't even hold any animosity towards him anymore, which is saying a lot. However, he and my Mom are still married so they come as a package, hence the on going issues in the family.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[Aubrey]

I don't lie to them, but I also don't offer information or directly answer questions if I don't think the info is beneficial. In the case of "Why isn't Grma coming to help w/ new baby?" I'd say, "Granny's coming." They'd probably say, "Oh." In kid-logic, that makes sense. Why *would* you need 2 grannies at the same time?

 

I think it's important to let dc form their own opinions, because otherwise, they'll be second-guessing us later. Think teen-rebellion-mom-&-dad-are-stupid years--knowing that we don't like/get along with/approve of someone can set the kid up for getting hurt, imo. Now--I'm not talking about being secretive to the point of *causing* them hurt or not protecting them, but...giving them a little bit of space to judge for themselves.

 

As I got older, I got everybody's garbage on everybody else. For some, I decided their problems w/ other family members were really symptoms of THEIR own problems. W/ others, I decided it was a personality difference. Do you see, though, how I had to weigh ea one? And honestly, I'd rather not know anything negative my grm thought about my gr-grdad, kwim? He was old enough & mellow enough when *I* knew him that he was a saint on earth & my bf at the same time. We had more similar personalities than grm & I did, too, though...*sigh*....

 

My dad never talked badly about...well...almost anyone. The older I've gotten, the more I've respected him for that.

[PiCO]

In your case, I think it's fine to be honest.

 

There's no point to me telling my dds that their grandfather had girlfriends all over the globe while I was growing up, and my mother found out when he accidently sent home pictures of one of them when my brother was visiting him abroad.

 

No point in telling dds that my "Crazy Uncle"'s craziness manifested itself in some pretty perverted behavior when my cousins were in high school, and that's why they don't talk to him.

[KidsHappen]

Given that we are all swinging from the branches of a broken family tree, we couldn't very well lie to them about it if we wanted to. Much better to have it out in the open and let them make their peace with it and a little fun of us in the progress. ;)

[Peela]

We are pretty blunt about things like that in our family.

I feel it keeps things pretty real. The kids hear their dad talking about his mum being a pain in the *ss, and then see him spending time with her doing something for her, and they also know she doesnt spend much time with them and then brings them huge easter eggs...relationships and people are complicated and I feel the kids can handle the complexity of both loving their granma, seeing us annoyed with her, and acknowledging that she has a difficult life and doesnt have much time for them (she has a disabled daughter at home)...its all part of family life.

Its good not to completely catagorise people..make sure we see them as multi faceted and capable of a range of behaviours, or at least their difficult past etc...but acknowledging the less pleasant sides of people is part of life.

[MIch elle]

Have you seen the movie Ya Ya Sisterhood?

[knit247]

I had a very difficult relationship with my Dad that caused me endless heartbreak through the years...I am endlessly thankful that my children were just able to love him without all of my baggage coloring their perspective.

 

I really like what you said. :grouphug:

 

Growing up, I had a Nana - my Mom's mother - who was such a wonderful, loving lady. She adored my brother and me both (her only grandchildren). She kept us every now and then - we lived 3 hrs. apart - and I have the fondest memories of time spent with her. She never uttered a mean word and was beyond patient with us. She was a wonderful influence... My Nana passed away when I was 13 and over the years, my Mom has painted a very different story of how Nana was as a mother to my mother. She was insanely manipulative and fairly mean to my Mom, her only child. She pretended to be dead on several occasions to see what my Mom would do. The list goes on...

 

I wish that my Mom had never told me those things about my Nana. In reality I resent my Mom a bit for "ruining" my memories of Nana. Whatever my Nana was to my Mom, she wasn't that to me or my brother. Why my Mom felt the need to "ruin" that for us is beyond me...:confused: Funny thing is, now that I have grown up, I see how manipulative my own Mom is (FWIW we get along well, I talk to her often, and I love her very much. I am not trying to "bash" her). She is insanely judgmental. She plays me against my brother. She tries to "out-do" anyone and everyone else (even Santa, LOL) in gifts to my girls. I believe that she may have a drinking problem / issue... But all of those traits do not affect my children. I did speak to my Dad several years ago about her drinking (she has "cocktail hour" every afternoon that gets out of hand on occasion, meaning that she gets pretty mean/nasty) and informed him that if she continued on the path she was on that we would not stay with them when we came to town anymore, and she has never again made me uncomfortable. She is an amazing grandmother and I will never "ruin" her for my DDs.

 

Now, my FIL, who passed away two years ago was also a not-so-great Dad / amazing PaPaw. He was a major alcoholic and also suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder. My girls loved him - the sun rose and set on PaPaw :) We will tell the girls one day that he was an alcoholic, because I have that on my side as well and they need to know. We will discuss the mental issues a bit - I have mental health issues on my side as well. But will we tell them about all of the times PaPaw left to "take out the garbage" when DH was a child and stayed gone for 2 or 3 weeks? Or the time PaPaw came to our house right after DH & I were married, drunk and waving a loaded gun? No way!

 

I hope I've made sense. Please know that I am not saying what anyone else chooses to tell is right or wrong. I am only telling my situation and what we are going to do. Big :grouphug: to anyone who has difficulties in their families to work through.

[Carrie12345]

I don't lie to them if I'm flat out asked, but I do try to keep somewhat neutral and let them form their own opinions. Especially when this is a person that they'll be around with any frequency.

 

 

 

:iagree:

I've explained to my children why certain people aren't or weren't in our lives (My father abandoned our family, then repeatedly abandoned us emotionally, my sister had substance and emotional issues...)

 

I don't tell them why I avoid my in-laws at all costs or why I won't let my cousins babysit because those are MY issues. I think my kids should have the right to form their own opinions (within controlled situations) as they grow up.

[TravelingChris]

I talk to them. They know that mom and dad grew up differently. They know who had depression, bi-polar, alcoholism and generally addictive, etc. The only one they are in contact with is my brother who is OCDish and they know that too. I think it is really important for your children to know medical histories since so many are inherited or co-related. FOr example, now there is increasing evidence that migraines and depression are linked. Not that the same people get them usually but that one family member gets migraines and another gets depression. I don't think it is linked in all cases but do know it is getting serious attention.

 

THe knowledge of the alcoholism is weighing on one of ours who has that sort of personality. At least at this point, the idea is for that one not to drink alcohol. (She will have company from me since I can't drink any because of the medications I take).

[jld]

I try to be as honest as I possibly can be, including my shortcomings as well, with an eye towards age-appropriateness.

 

I encourage the kids to share any thoughts or feelings they may have about what has happened, and try to learn from their responses.

 

I am not willing to protect anyone's pride, including my own, if doing so will perpetuate hurtful actions.

[Night Elf]

Explaining these types of issues to my children is an exercise in politeness. Yes, I tell my children about our relationships with family members but I don't get mean about it. I have a few choice words and feelings for my sister, but I only tell my kids that I don't like my sister. I have explained my feeling of indifference when it comes to an emotional tie to her and that was has certainly been difficult to explain. I teach them that being polite and courteous to someone has nothing to do with whether or not you like that person. I also teach them that they always need to form their own opinions. They understand. My dd12 has 2 friends who really dislike one another but thankfully neither one tries to insist dd12 drop the other friend. They simply plan get-togethers separately.

[EmilyK]

I would leave things open enough that the kids can form their own relationship (again, this is assuming we're not talking unsafe).

 

My mother and her mother had a rocky relationship. My mother was pretty candid about it with me growing up. I'm not sure what the right thing would have been in hindsight, but at times I wished my mother hadn't told me so much. That grandmother (the only grandparent for me who lived long enough to have a relationship with) was always good to me, and definitely loved me. And sometimes I'm not sure a kid should be the confidant of an adult -- it can be a burden.

 

So I guess my thought is I wouldn't keep a secret but I would say as little as possible and let them form their own relationship, which could be different. I think the OP said the right amount.

[mommaduck]

Good Grief! When I said I don't lie to my children, it doesn't mean I tell them every detail! At the same time, I also don't sugar coat things. There are some relatives that I don't want them "forming their own relationships with". Colouring their view of a relative, uhm, no...how about calling a spade a spade.

[LibraryLover]

My parents are much better grandparents that they were parents. So my baggage from my past needn't be their issues. They can have a relationship based on their truths together, and where we all are now. Some people do grow and learn from life experiences. I want my kids to know that's possible.

 

OTOH, I have said 'Wow, you guys get to know them now that they've grown -up and are not constantly arguing with each other". lol

 

We also have two crazy aunties who have no verbal filters: if they think it, they say it. It's a joke in our family. What crazy thing will Q or T say at this family gathering? Bonus points for the person who hears the nuttiest, most insulting thing first. :D I get a lot of 'Well Mom, it's good you're not like *that*". which makes me laugh. They know how lucky they are.

 

They know the crazy aunties (one on my side, one on dh's side) are not saying these things for any reason other than the perfectly clear fact is that the filter most people have that goes from brain to mouth is malfunctioning in them. :bigear: ("OMGosh, she did *not* just say that?!" It's just hard for us not to laugh out loud, right there.)

 

Once, when we told one that our child had just recieved a Gold Medal in the National Latin Exam, the reply was "So who does the child speak to in this dead language? Nobody needs Latin anymore". I mean, even if you think it's a waste of time, the child is 12, and an" Oh, that's nice" makes the most sense, but apparently never made it through the filter. lol . We just had to laugh, and now it's part of our family jokes and folklore. 'Oh sweetie, you got a bue ribbon in the landscape art show? How sad for you." etc.

 

My kids know this glitch has nothing to do with anything other than the aunties not having matured. So, yeah, some people take longer than others to get a clue.

Edited April 13, 2010 by LibraryLover