My Father is getting re-married - need some hugs!

[Cammie]

Ok, so my parents divorced after 30 years of marriage. This was about 10 years ago. I have REALLY struggled with this. I thought we were the Cosby family. Turns out, I was wrong. It took me 9 years to really talk to my father again. Now this. Now I get a step-mother (god - at my age that just seems so wrong!) and a step-sister and step-brother! My father sent me an email announcing their plans to get married in Jan. Luckily I live on the other side of the world - good excuse not to attend I guess! I mean, how could I attend. It wouldn't be fair to everyone else to have me there sulking.

 

I REALLY need some words of wisdom from the HIVE!!

Edited March 11, 2010 by Cammie
TMI

[MotherMayI]

:grouphug: No words of wisdom here...but :grouphug::grouphug: to you. Sorry you're going through this.

[sassenach]

I'm guessing that if you didn't talk to your dad for 9 years, there is more to the story than just the divorce from your mom. Both dh and I have divorced parents. Mine divorced when I was 19, after I was out of the house and had a child of my own. It took many years for the full blow to settle in, though it didn't surprise me in the least. Dh's parents had a nasty divorce when he was 16. Both his dad and my mom have remarried. It was weird at first, but has turned out to be a really, really good thing. I never once thought of my mom's husband as a step dad. He has become a grand-dad to my kids and a very special person in our lives. Likewise, fil's wife has also become a huge part of our lives and a blessing to our kids. Maybe this is a good thing?

[Cammie]

Can't quite see it that way yet! I think the other piece is that the divorce was initiated/desired by my father but not my mother. I would imagine that if it is a two way decision - that makes it a bit easier. In this case, it was not.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

There's no reason you have to think of them as step-mom, and step-siblings. She will be your dad's wife, not really your step-mother. She obviously had no hand in mothering you, and I'm sure she has no plans to start. But, maybe she can be your friend someday? After all, she didn't make your dad leave all those years ago, but perhaps she can bring some happiness to his life now.

 

Her children are just her children. They're really not related to you at all. You don't have to think of them as your brother or sister. Really! It's okay to think of them as your dad's wife's adult children.

 

My parents divorced when I was a teen, as did my dh's (when he was 20), and I was personally divorced at age 25. I know letting go of dreams and expectations are sometimes the hardest things in any divorce. But, I've moved on to a strong, healthy, truly happy almost-19-year marriage. Perhaps your dad has a chance to be happy. He's been sad and alone for a long time. Can you be happy for him now?

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I mean it in the kindest way possible: it's really not about you. Holding on to this bitterness, and the desire to punish your dad, and dreaming that it will all go back to the way you only thought it was will eat you up! For your own sake, you need to let it go. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting. It's about letting go of the desire to retaliate, to punish, to take revenge, to strangle the person who hurt you. It's time to let go of your dad's neck. Things are what they are, and you are hurting yourself more than him or anyone else.

 

You asked for wisdom, so I feel obliged to share the bit I've gleaned in my years:

 

Forgiveness heals. Sulking will make you sick.

 

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

Suzanne is right, however, I know things can seem a bit odd at first. MIL remarried after FIL's death and her dh has 2 daughters we have not yet met. We don't live very close and do not attend many family functions.

There may be awkward moments - first I tried to remember not to mention FIL which is silly really because he knew that MIL was obviously married and widowed. This is different from your situation since your mother is still alive and they were divorced. I now don't censor myself but talk to him like I would to anyone which is no problem because he is a really nice man.

 

I realize that you hurt for your mother as she was abandoned, I can understand it even though I have not experienced it. However, everything will be much easier if you set out to be civil and polite because this woman was not part of the breakup and should not be punished for it.

[jld]

:grouphug:(((((Cammie))))):grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

There's no reason you have to think of them as step-mom, and step-siblings. She will be your dad's wife, not really your step-mother.

 

:iagree: Do try to like them, for your dad's sake, but if you can't, bad luck. My mother's feelings are perpetually hurt that I don't like her partner, but thankfully they are on the other side of the continent. Still, I'd rather she was happy with someone I don't like than alone and still bitter like my dad.

 

Rosie

[kalanamak]

 

Her children are just her children. They're really not related to you at all. You don't have to think of them as your brother or sister. Really! It's okay to think of them as your dad's wife's adult children.

 

 

I know letting go of dreams and expectations are sometimes the hardest things in any divorce.

 

:iagree: And as you get more middle aged, you may discover that people you know have been living quiet lives of desperation, and somewhere in middle age, when a peer dies of cancer or a sudden stroke, these good people feel they can no longer carry on with marriage that has been empty and painfully lonesome for decades.

 

:grouphug: Personally, if he waited 10 years, and married someone with grown children, rather than a 22 year old with implants just 6 months after the divorce, I'd try to see the decent side of him before he is old and then gone. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

my grandmother got re-married several years ago. she married someone the same age as my mum. and my mum is her youngest child! he is not my step grandfather, and he isn't even my mum's step dad. we All refer to him as my Nan's husband. He is happy with that. It is just the way it is.

[delaney]

My friend went through this in a slightly different way b/c her mom passed away years ago. She seriously mourned her dad's marriage and this woman is a real jerk. I just told her it is what it is and her dad has the right not to be alone for the rest of his years. Be glad you are so far away and just enjoy the time you get with your dad when you can.

[Teresa in MO]

over 20 years ago my mom passed away suddenly. 6 weeks later my dad started seeing someone and they were married a year later. I didn't have anything against his new wife, but it was hard being so soon after my mom passed away. My dads' new wife never tried to be a "stepmom" which I appreciated. (I was already almost 30!) Over the years we developed a nice relationship, especially the past few years. For quite awhile it was on my heart that I was really glad that she was there for my dad and in his life.

I finally told her this at my nephew's wedding, and she was very touched. Two months later, she passed away very suddenly. A year later, my dad is seeing someone. He is just the type that can't stand to be alone.

[Remudamom]

Sorry, but you've got it easy. My dad had affairs for years, mom kicked him out after 35 yrs of marriage, and he married his current squeeze, who is my age.

 

They've been married for years, and I do have to say that his wife and I get along well........now.

Edited March 11, 2010 by Remudamom

[mommaduck]

Sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else. Yes, it hurts, but did you really expect him to remain single for the rest of his life?

[Pippen]

My parents divorced when I was ten and my dad has gone on to marry four more times so I have too much practice at this. The bottom line is that even when I was a girl his remarriages didn't impact me very much, and as an adult living many hours away from him his marital status only impacts me emotionally if I allow it to. #2 bothered me most because I was still young and it was not long after my parents divorced, and like most kids I still had it in my mind maybe our family would be put back together again. #5 bothered me because he had no business getting married again (#4 needed to get out for reasons I won't go into here, and my brother and I helped her leave).

 

I'm sorry that you're dealing with it again, but I have learned that dwelling on those thoughts of anger, of what he should have done, of what he should be doing, of what was lost and can't be regained, etc. won't change a single thing. But continuing to dwell on them can make you miserable, stressed, and take mind time away from your family and that can be damaging.

 

I don't approve of the choices my dad has made, but they are his to make and because we don't live near each other, they have little bearing on my life now. In fact, it's actually easier to be around him when he's married because he's far less likely to want to delve into the past when we do see him.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

[dangermom]

It's a bit of a shock for you. Take some time to absorb it before you make any big decisions. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

Remarriage has never bothered me. My dad left my mom for another woman, who in turn left my dad. Oh well! The funniest remarriage I know of is my grandmother! My grandfather passed away from lung cancer when I was 13 yrs. old. She lived alone, or with my mom for a while, until she married a man she met in church. I was 24 yrs. old and at the end of my first marriage. Her remarriage gave me hope. They were cute together! Unfortunately, he passed away some time later and she's been alone since then. :( Oh, and his children were livid from the start. All they could talk about was what would happen to their inheritance. My grandmother is living alone on the money he left her and they are still trying to get the money. It's been over 10 years. Let it go people! Besides, his will stipulates a comfortable life for her and then the money goes to them after she dies. I suppose they worry she is spending it all. Well, that got off track.

 

My mom is remarried. I don't call him my step-dad and I don't call his daughter my sister. My mom wanted me to call him dad. I don't even like him, and they married about a year after I married my husband (my remarriage) so I was 28 years old. His daughter is a nice enough person who has been through some really bad times, but we aren't close. She and my sister are close though. I'm not even close to my sister though. I'm glad they have each other. ;)

[LibraryLover]

My mom remarried when I was 29, and I never think of her dh has my step dad. He's a nice guy and I like him, but I am a grown woman. OTOH, my children do think of him as grandpa.

 

I wish my dad would remarry. That would be great for him.

 

I don't want them to be alone, or need me more than they do.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just the :grouphug: you wanted.

[Joanne]

I'm coming at this from the other angle....

 

Forgive me, k?

 

You never know the full depths of another person's misery in marriage.

 

You might want to consider moving forward emotionally. Keeping the anger, resentment and negativity is hurting *you*.

 

FWIW, I don't consider myself a step mom (or my kids step kids) to DH's grown children. Indeed, I feel it would be an insult to call them that. They are his children, grown, and have a unique place in my life but I do not see myself as a maternal figure in their lives at all.

[Mejane]

BTDT. Wish them well for your own mental health, and be glad you live "on the other side of the world." :grouphug:

[orangearrow]

There's no reason you have to think of them as step-mom, and step-siblings. She will be your dad's wife, not really your step-mother. She obviously had no hand in mothering you, and I'm sure she has no plans to start. But, maybe she can be your friend someday? After all, she didn't make your dad leave all those years ago, but perhaps she can bring some happiness to his life now.

 

Her children are just her children. They're really not related to you at all. You don't have to think of them as your brother or sister. Really! It's okay to think of them as your dad's wife's adult children.

:grouphug:

 

This is true. We don't refer to MILs husband as my hubby's step-dad. He's just... his mother's husband! His daughter doesn't have a "title" in our family - she's just... his daughter. It's not that we don't like him (we do! Quite a lot!) - it's just that they married when dh was all grown up and this man is not a "dad" in any sense of the word. He just married someone's mom.

[Cammie]

Thanks guys. I guess I should have said that I do blame this new wife for my parent's divorce - for various resasons. She is not someone who just stepped into the picture ten years later. I think I would have been ok if that was the situation - of course I want my parents to be happy.

 

Oh well. Guess I just need to suck it up.

[kalanamak]

She is not someone who just stepped into the picture ten years later.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Even more hugs.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Thanks guys. I guess I should have said that I do blame this new wife for my parent's divorce - for various resasons. She is not someone who just stepped into the picture ten years later. I think I would have been ok if that was the situation - of course I want my parents to be happy.

 

Oh well. Guess I just need to suck it up.

 

:grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Thanks guys. I guess I should have said that I do blame this new wife for my parent's divorce - for various resasons. She is not someone who just stepped into the picture ten years later. I think I would have been ok if that was the situation - of course I want my parents to be happy.

 

Oh well. Guess I just need to suck it up.

 

BTDT. Dad's present wife made sure my mom knew what was going on so she'd kick dad out. It was awful. Of course, they both deny anything was going on, but the detective mom hired proved it. They STILL deny it, but it's done with.

 

Stepmom and I get along fine now, but it's taken years and years. I wouldn't let her set foot in my house to pee in my toilet after driving all day. I remember that she broke up my parent's marriage, but so did dad.

 

It's hard on my mom that her children get along with the woman, but we want to keep our dad. So, you know. It sucks.

[Cammie]

. So, you know. It sucks.

 

 

Yup, just what I am thinking!

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug:

 

So sorry.

 

Both my parents remarried when I was older, then my mother divorced for a second time. I have never considered my father's wife to be my step-mother, nor her sons my step brothers. My youngest sister, who lived with them for about 3 years before graduating from high school does consider them her brothers---more so her siblings than my other sister and I because we were 7 and 10 years older respectively. I had a really sweet relationship with her when I was a teen and took her almost everywhere with me. Having that relationship so impacted stinks, too.

 

My dad's wife's husband left her for her best friend. They married and her kids have always seemed to get along under that arrangement. <sigh>

 

Adultery and divorce goes on and on, doesn't it?

[Cammie]

What I have been thinking about lately is how in the US we really don't want to face up to the grief and pain that divorce causes. I know that we really value letting adults lead the lives that will make them happy (I am a former divorce attorney myself.) And I do, of course, feel that people should be free to make the choices they need to make. But in supporting that freedom I think we as a culture have chosen to ignore the effects of divorce on children. It is just easier for us to think that "they will get over it." I think if we at least acknowledged the pain and difficultly instead of sweeping it under the rug it would be a good step.

[Kate CA]

What I have been thinking about lately is how in the US we really don't want to face up to the grief and pain that divorce causes. I know that we really value letting adults lead the lives that will make them happy (I am a former divorce attorney myself.) And I do, of course, feel that people should be free to make the choices they need to make. But in supporting that freedom I think we as a culture have chosen to ignore the effects of divorce on children. It is just easier for us to think that "they will get over it." I think if we at least acknowledged the pain and difficultly instead of sweeping it under the rug it would be a good step.

 

I agree with this. Divorce is a horrible pain to the children no matter how right the divorce might have been. At the same time, the children involved have to process it and move on to the best of their ability or they end up the real losers in the situation and so do their own children. This is painful in a different way for little ones than it is for adults.

 

My parents divorced when I was six. It was traumatic and took me a full 15 years to process it and realize that I could not change what happened. It wasn't my marriage.

 

What your father did wasn't right and he sinned against his wife at the time if I am correctly reading between the lines of your follow-up post. You took your mother's side. I really get that. I probably would have too. It isn't healthy though, for you to hang onto the anger and bitterness. Those two emotions are really coming across in your original post. It has been ten years of that and it will affect your own family.

 

As a Christian, I would have to pursue peace with my family member in so far as I am able. I am sorry you are hurting. :grouphug:

[cathmom]

Divorce and remarriage affect adult children too. I am sure she will process this and move on when she is emotionally ready. Until then, here's a hug from someone who has SO BTDT!

 

:grouphug:

[2squared]

I'm coming out of the closet to say that my dad has been married and divorced four times now. He has never (until the past month) been without at least one woman. It's difficult seeing the women come and go, and I've been watching for over 20 years now.

 

It took me quite a long time to realize that his marriages - even his marriage to my mom - have absolutely nothing to do with me. A marriage is such a personal thing, I could never really know what happened inside any of them. I have my own perspective on my parent's marriage, but my perspective isn't their reality. It takes two to keep a healthy marriage, and I am absolutely certain that neither of my parents were perfect spouses.

 

None of my dad's spouses have been stepmoms to me. They are just "my dad's wife." None of his spouses' kids have been anything. They are just "my dad's wife's kids."

 

I love my dad and want him to be happy. I don't know what happiness looks like for him, and sadly, I don't think he knows either. I just have to love him as he is.

 

Here are some :grouphug: for you. BTDT.

[Laurie4b]

It takes two to keep a healthy marriage, and I am absolutely certain that neither of my parents were perfect spouses.

 

.

 

I agree that it takes two to keep a healthy marriage; it only takes one to destroy it, however.

 

I think it is a falsehood that every divorce is two people's fault. True, there are two people who are sinners in every marriage (from my religious point of view) so both will have committed some fouls in the marrriage. But healthy marriages have to find a way to forgive and mend those inevitable mundane "fouls" that occur. There are some fouls, though, such as addiction to pornography, adultery, verbal and physical abuse that tear directly at the heart of a marriage and can be, and mostly are, one-way fouls.