Help with dd10 wanting to spend night w/BFF at her divorced father's house.

[lauracolumbus]

Dd 10's best friend lives around the corner from us. They've been good friends for a long time. About 2 years ago, her parents divorced and now that dad has his own place, and his dd has alternating weekends at his place. Well the two girls have been scheming for an overnight at the dad's place. DH and I are definitely not happy with this. We do know the father, but not well enough to feel comfortable w/dd spending the night there.

 

The other day the dad called to invite dd to spend the night w/his dd. I came up w/a lame excuse, but the best friend keeps asking dd when she will be able to stay. I have no idea how to tell dd or the dad that dd will not be able to spend the night there. It sounds like I'm accusing him of being a child molester, and I would feel upset if someone said something like this to me.

 

Am I being overprotective? If not, how can I graciously get out of this. I've thought about telling him that we have a standing policy that dd can not spend the night w/only a male present. But, this doesn't sound right.

 

Laura

[melissel]

Ugh, I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Have the girls done overnights before? Would it work to just say, "We don't really do sleepovers. It's just not something we're comfortable with"?

 

ETA: Also, instead, could you propose an "almost sleepover," where you'd pick DD up at 11 p.m. or so in her pajamas, and in the meantime, they'd get to do all the sleepover-y stuff before you get there?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

How far away is his new place??

 

Since Mom's house is just around the corner could you blame it on location? Say that you're more comfortable having her just around the corner?

[lauracolumbus]

Sorry, I forgot to mention they have had lots of sleepovers at our house and the mom's house. And the father lives less than 5 mins. away.

 

The father goes to our church so I see him on a regular basis.

 

Laura

[Joanne]

If you allow sleepovers in other circumstances, yes, I believe you may be overprotective and "unfair".

 

I am divorced from my children's father. I would hurt me for them if someone nixed a sleepover invite simply because their Dad is a divorced,

"single" Dad.

 

Now, in my case, if they knew him, it would be different. But I digress. :lol::001_huh:

 

What, exactly, concerns or bothers you?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, it would bother me if girls were staying at a place where the only adult was an adult male. I might know in my head that he probably isn't a molester, and I realize that men or women have abused children when their spouse was in the house, but it seems like there are fewer safeguards.

[Crissy]

I would take the position that now that your daughter is growing up and becoming more independent, the family needs to work out a few rules for outings, sleepovers, etc.

 

In my house one of the rules is that my boys don't sleep over or go out with other families unless my husband and I know the parents well.

 

I had to say no to a sleepover a few years ago when my older son had a friend whose dad I didn't know. The boys weren't happy about it but we had previously discussed 'the rule' with our son, so he understood why we said no.

I think 10 years old is a great age to set out a few rules and discuss your reasons behind each of them.

[lauracolumbus]

If you allow sleepovers in other circumstances, yes, I believe you may be overprotective and "unfair".

 

I am divorced from my children's father. I would hurt me for them if someone nixed a sleepover invite simply because their Dad is a divorced,

"single" Dad.

 

Now, in my case, if they knew him, it would be different. But I digress. :lol::001_huh:

 

What, exactly, concerns or bothers you?

 

I am concerned about the possibility of molestation I guess. Or any kind of inappropriateness. About 90% of me is sure that nothing would happen--it's that other 10% that makes me very nervous. DH is adamantly opposed. It's hard to imagine your little girl almost alone w/a grown man for a long time--overnight especially.

 

I just found out that a friend of mine has stopped all over nights for her dd14 at her house b/c her dh is afraid of false accusations. That seems a bit odd to me, but part of me understands that issue as well.

 

Laura

[MistyJ]

I wouldn't automatically say no. Take into consideration how well you know the dad, if he shares your values, rules, etc.

 

My parents were divorced, and my mother's house was chaotic and filthy, so no sleep-overs there. My dad was loving, and kept an orderly home, and I was grateful to be able to have sleep-overs there.

 

Please don't say "We don't do sleep-overs" if you actually do. I have a neighbor who uses that one with people she doesn't like. To me, she is teaching her children to lie.

[lauracolumbus]

I would take the position that now that your daughter is growing up and becoming more independent, the family needs to work out a few rules for outings, sleepovers, etc.

 

In my house one of the rules is that my boys don't sleep over or go out with other families unless my husband and I know the parents well.

 

I had to say no to a sleepover a few years ago when my older son had a friend whose dad I didn't know. The boys weren't happy about it but we had previously discussed 'the rule' with our son, so he understood why we said no.

I think 10 years old is a great age to set out a few rules and discuss your reasons behind each of them.

 

 

This is a good way to start to announce the change, but I don't know how to say it to the father directly--or to my dd. I don't want her to think the worst of this man.

 

Laura

[Hockey Mom]

I am concerned about the possibility of molestation I guess. Or any kind of inappropriateness. About 90% of me is sure that nothing would happen--it's that other 10% that makes me very nervous. DH is adamantly opposed. It's hard to imagine your little girl almost alone w/a grown man for a long time--overnight especially.

 

I just found out that a friend of mine has stopped all over nights for her dd14 at her house b/c her dh is afraid of false accusations. That seems a bit odd to me, but part of me understands that issue as well.

 

Laura

 

There are two reasons why you shouldn't allow this.

[lauracolumbus]

I wouldn't automatically say no. Take into consideration how well you know the dad, if he shares your values, rules, etc.

 

My parents were divorced, and my mother's house was chaotic and filthy, so no sleep-overs there. My dad was loving, and kept an orderly home, and I was grateful to be able to have sleep-overs there.

 

Please don't say "We don't do sleep-overs" if you actually do. I have a neighbor who uses that one with people she doesn't like. To me, she is teaching her children to lie.

 

 

I agree. I would not make a blanket rule that didn't really apply. She does get to spend the night at her friend's house--which sounds similar to your mother's. Mostly they spend the night here, which the best friend seems to prefer.

 

Laura

[Peela]

If you allow sleepovers in other circumstances, yes, I believe you may be overprotective and "unfair".

 

I am divorced from my children's father. I would hurt me for them if someone nixed a sleepover invite simply because their Dad is a divorced,

"single" Dad.

 

Now, in my case, if they knew him, it would be different. But I digress. :lol::001_huh:

 

What, exactly, concerns or bothers you?

 

:iagree:

[FO4UR]

I think you should be honest that you don't feel comfy doing sleepovers with only an adult male as the chaperone. He's the dad of a dd. He should understand that.

[hsmom27]

Well, I asked my, previously divorced with a little girl, DH and he said some, um... not very nice things. My stepDD had sleepovers at his house all the time. If you know the ex, maybe ask her if you should be concerned? Otherwise I think it's pretty darn over-protective to allow sleepovers at mom's house and not dad's. You could always send your DD with a cell phone. But, of course, to each his own!

[2cents]

I'm a little surprised the father of your dd's friend is comfortable having them overnight in his house. Honestly, in our society, men need to protect themselves too and if I was that man, I would not put myself in any situation like that unless I had another responsible adult present. If my daughter came to me with this scenario, I would not allow it. Sometimes it just comes down to that nagging feeling of uncomfortableness. If you are feeling that, go with your gut and don't feel bad. ;)

[hsmom3tn]

I think you should be honest that you don't feel comfy doing sleepovers with only an adult male as the chaperone. He's the dad of a dd. He should understand that.

 

:iagree:

[lauracolumbus]

I think you should be honest that you don't feel comfy doing sleepovers with only an adult male as the chaperone. He's the dad of a dd. He should understand that.

 

Thanks. I guess this is the best way to approach this--esp. if dh discusses it w/him. I'm sure the father is still going to be ticked that we're alluding to his possible nefarious inclinations--and not that I blame him.

 

Laura

[lauracolumbus]

I'm a little surprised the father of your dd's friend is comfortable having them overnight in his house. Honestly, in our society, men need to protect themselves too and if I was that man, I would not put myself in any situation like that unless I had another responsible adult present. If my daughter came to me with this scenario, I would not allow it. Sometimes it just comes down to that nagging feeling of uncomfortableness. If you are feeling that, go with your gut and don't feel bad. ;)

 

Yes. This is exactly how my friend w/a dd14 feels.

 

Thanks for the reassurance.

 

Laura

[lauracolumbus]

Well, I asked my, previously divorced with a little girl, DH and he said some, um... not very nice things. My stepDD had sleepovers at his house all the time. If you know the ex, maybe ask her if you should be concerned? Otherwise I think it's pretty darn over-protective to allow sleepovers at mom's house and not dad's. You could always send your DD with a cell phone. But, of course, to each his own!

 

I do understand this from the father's perspective, which is why this is so difficult--esp. since I know him and see him regularly.

 

I guess in the end, I'd rather protect from the possibilities than worry about offending the father. I know this is one area that once it happens life is never the same again for the victim.

 

I just struggle w/how to say it.

 

Laura

[MelanieM]

I think you should get really clear on what your house rule is going to be (i.e. no sleepovers where there's only an adult male, or not sleepovers where we don't have an intimate relationship with the adult(s) in the home, etc.) and explain that to the father. Let him know that you have to draw a clear line so that you can explain it clearly to your daughter, which will be very important as you have to deal with this more frequently in the future. If you are clear about your own rules, express them well, be sure to explain that it is not at all about him, and are kind and gracious in your decline of the invitation then there really shouldn't be a problem. And, if after all of that, there is an issue... well, that tells you more about the character of the other parent and their own sense of 'doing what's right for my kids'. Good stuff to know about someone that might be in charge of the care of your child.

[lauracolumbus]

Melanie and Christina,

Thanks so much. That does ease the message a bit. I also have to explain it to the best friend who is always asking as well.

 

Laura

[Renthead Mommy]

So this is an open question, directed at everyone, not just the OP.

 

If you won't let your daughter sleep over at a friend's with a single dad, do you let your son sleep over at his friend's who lives with his single mom?

[MyLittleWonders]

So this is an open question, directed at everyone, not just the OP.

 

If you won't let your daughter sleep over at a friend's with a single dad, do you let your son sleep over at his friend's who lives with his single mom?

 

:iagree: Maybe things are different now and maybe because I have boys (and young ones - the only sleepovers here happen at Grandma's house) I haven't had to address the sleep-over issue, but I don't see it as an issue. Then again, my parents divorced when I was seven, and I probably had as many sleep-overs at my dad's house as my mom's house (and my dad's best friend - not gay, either of them - was his roommate for quite a many years). He even commented on the whole thing no long before he passed about how good it felt, for lack of better wording, that my friends' parents trusted him to have their dd's spend the night at this house (and in the case of my then best friend, go camping with us). I would have been devastated if I could not have friends stay the night when I was with him (and he lived 1 mile from my mom and I, and my friend's parents knew him). Personally, when my boys are old enough (we haven't decided what that is, but even my 8 year old doesn't seem interested yet in staying at anyone else's house but G-ma's), I'm thinking as long as we know the parent(s), single or not, it's not going to be an issue. But, I have also been accused of being naïve (not here ;) ), and maybe I'd feel differently if I had daughters.

[MelanieM]

So this is an open question, directed at everyone, not just the OP.

 

If you won't let your daughter sleep over at a friend's with a single dad, do you let your son sleep over at his friend's who lives with his single mom?

 

For me personally, the gender of the child or the adult has nothing at all to do with my decision-making process. What matters to me is what my gut says about the specific situation and the individuals involved. For example, we have a single dad as a neighbour and I think he's one of the most wonderful fathers I've ever met. My kids go to his house to play regularly and, if we were doing sleep-overs (we aren't), I would feel comfortable with my kids in his charge. I'm also perfectly comfortable with his single male friend who stays there regularly, and my kids have been there in the house alone with him (and the neighbour kids) as well. Contrast that with another neighbour of ours; he's also a single dad and I really like him as well, but my gut tells me that my kids wouldn't be supervised properly in his home, so they don't go in there.

 

I vividly recall an inappropriate situation from my own childhood that happened in the light of day, in a two-parent household. So I know it's not about whether or not there's a woman in the house, or whether or not the kid is sleeping over, or... I figure I there's no perfect set of steps to avoid a negative situation other than following my instincts and teaching my kids to listen to theirs, so that's what I strive to do.

 

All that said, I'm not sure how I feel about sleep overs in general. We're not there yet so it hasn't been an issue, but I am mulling over what our own house rules will be, and how firm I intend to make them. We'll see.

[kalanamak]

I'm a little surprised the father of your dd's friend is comfortable having them overnight in his house. Honestly, in our society, men need to protect themselves too and if I was that man, I would not put myself in any situation like that unless I had another responsible adult present

 

Wait until someone points a finger. It will change his life.

 

I know someone (spouse of a childhood friend) who was delivering a crate of peaches. He got a little lost and went down one long driveway, figured out it wrong, turned around and left. Teen girl alone in house calls 911. Man is hauled out of car at gun point. Finally reason reigns and he delivers the peaches down the road. 30 years later that man still will not drive past a school.

[SonshineLearner]

My husband won't drive a female babysitter home. If we do sleepovers, I stay here... or the girls come with me. Come to think of it... I'm not sure he'll be left with any children. He's the most trustworthy man besides my father:-) that I can think of.... and we plan on keeping his reputation that way. It only takes one whisper to change your world.

[MariannNOVA]

I am concerned about the possibility of molestation I guess. Or any kind of inappropriateness. About 90% of me is sure that nothing would happen--it's that other 10% that makes me very nervous. DH is adamantly opposed. It's hard to imagine your little girl almost alone w/a grown man for a long time--overnight especially.

 

I just found out that a friend of mine has stopped all over nights for her dd14 at her house b/c her dh is afraid of false accusations. That seems a bit odd to me, but part of me understands that issue as well.

 

Laura

 

I haven't read past the answers on page one so if I am repeating something already posted, apologies.

 

About a year ago, I was going to help out a mom with carpooling to my dd's party. The mom and I were emailing to work out the details. The mom politely and appropriately asked if I would be coming with my dd to their house to get their daughter or if my dh would be doing the driving with dd. I was doing the driving and responded that. She wrote back, again appropriately and politely, saying that was good, and she had to ask as their family had a policy that their daughters (they have like 8 daughers) were not allowed to be in the company of an adult male without an adult female present -- she said that as parents we need to be:

 

'wise as serpents, gentle as doves.' I thought her posture made alot of sense, and her quote (while I have not had to use it) will be what I use if the situation should come up.

 

It is not wise for an adult male to place himself in that situation, and it is not wise to place a child in that situation. Over-protective? maybe.

 

My suggestion is to be forthright with your dd and be honest: 'it is not a situation that your father and I are comfortable with; it is not a wise situation for your friend's dad to put himself in. Have the sleepover here.'

Edited March 5, 2010 by MariannNOVA

[Crissy]

'it is not a situation that your father and I are comfortable with; it is not a wise situation for your friend's dad to put himself in. Have the sleepover here.'

 

Perfect.

[Ravin]

I would.

 

I still remember how sad one of my friends was in elementary school when she invited most of the girls in our GS troop to her house for a slumber party, and none of them came except me. To this day I'm glad my parents didn't hold it against their family that she was the daughter of a single dad.

[MariannNOVA]

I would.

 

I still remember how sad one of my friends was in elementary school when she invited most of the girls in our GS troop to her house for a slumber party, and none of them came except me. To this day I'm glad my parents didn't hold it against their family that she was the daughter of a single dad.

 

I can feel for that little girl, but today, in my world, when I am the parent it has NOTHING to do with holding anything against anyone......I am not being derisive or nasty, just stating that as the parent, I have the responsibility to do as I see fit.

 

And there are ways to make the situation 'appropriate': is there an aunt, or another female who can be there when a group of little girls are invited to stay and only dad will be home? Could another set of parents have offered to stay over there as well? How about a couple of moms and dads? Does it have to be a sleepover? Can the adults have take-out while the kids have a non-slumber party till 11pm?

 

Personaly, I HATE sleepovers -- our policy is NO SLEEPOVERS. But, in the absence of such a policy, there are ways to work out these situations so that everyone is comfortable, and no one is ever seated opposite LArry King with him asking: 'But, you really thought letting your daughter go there was a good idea?'

[DarlaS]

Well the two girls have been scheming for an overnight at the dad's place.

 

I bet her dad lets her stay up all night and eat junk food--and that's why she wants to have a sleepover there. :D

 

I agree with what others have said. I hope you can get the situation resolved without anyone getting too offended.

[KidsHappen]

I am concerned about the possibility of molestation I guess. Or any kind of inappropriateness. About 90% of me is sure that nothing would happen--it's that other 10% that makes me very nervous. DH is adamantly opposed. It's hard to imagine your little girl almost alone w/a grown man for a long time--overnight especially.

 

I just found out that a friend of mine has stopped all over nights for her dd14 at her house b/c her dh is afraid of false accusations. That seems a bit odd to me, but part of me understands that issue as well.

 

Laura

 

We have all girls at home and we limit situations in which my hubby would be alone with girls without other adults present unless we know the family pretty well. The girls don't have sleepovers when I am not here and he doesn't drive girls anywhere unless he is hauling a large group together. While I trust my hubby implicitly, I don't expected others to do the same and I would never want to put my hubby in a situation where he could be falsely accused of something. I think that now days most men would be aware of the implications and certainly understand this reasoning. It is unfortunate but well, it is what it is.

[Laurie4b]

I've thought about telling him that we have a standing policy that dd can not spend the night w/only a male present. But, this doesn't sound right.

 

Laura

 

Your explanation sounds fine to me. Just tell him you're more comfortable with a woman at any house where she stays. She's the age where it might even be possible for her period to start away from home, for instance, or something else come up where having a male only would be awkward.

[Joker]

I've been thinking about this thread a lot tonight and trying to find out why it bothers me so much. I keep thinking about how protective I am of my dds and yet I don't like the idea of saying no. What if the dad was not divorced, but widowed? Would it make a difference? Would you say it was fair that that little girl should not have any sleepovers in her own home and room because of the possibility that her dad might molest them? I worry that we could be sending a message to our dds that no man can be trusted. It just really bugs me and I don't feel I can put into words why. Hope you figure it out.

[KidsHappen]

Thanks. I guess this is the best way to approach this--esp. if dh discusses it w/him. I'm sure the father is still going to be ticked that we're alluding to his possible nefarious inclinations--and not that I blame him.

 

Laura

 

No need to allude to his anything, simply tell him that you don't want to put him in that situation for his protection. There are so many ways that things could innocently go wrong. Sometimes little girls simply need a woman around, sometimes things can be misunderstood, sometime embarrasing situations can happen unexpectedly. My hubby lives in a house full of girls and he still asks if it is safe for him to come out of his bathroom into his bedroom in his underware because you can never tell when a child may have come in with a problem, or question or some important thing they have to tell you at 11:00 pm when they were supposed to be asleep two hours ago. A single father of a dd should understand. :001_smile:

[KidsHappen]

So this is an open question, directed at everyone, not just the OP.

 

If you won't let your daughter sleep over at a friend's with a single dad, do you let your son sleep over at his friend's who lives with his single mom?

 

Well, I have no sons at home but I think I would yes. It is statistically safer for both the child and adult. When I was growing up I had male friends that slept over and I slept at their houses. My dds have slept at their friends houses when their brothers (who were also their friends) were present. I would not be admantly opposed to the boys sleeping here with their sisters (thing group sleepover party, very little sleeping) either. However, I would not leave my hubby unattended with small boys either, for his own protection. Our next door neighbors are an older couple, they are like grandparents to the children but I have instructed my girls that should they ever go over and Mrs. Kay is not home that they should leave because it would not be fair to Mr. Bill to put him in a situation like that. I have explained that it is simply not appropriate for an adult male to be alone with children that are not his own (or close kin) without another adult present because of all the reasons I listed in the other post. I consider myself very open minded and probably much more liberal minded than most but I am also very realistic. The world is harsh and we have to live in it the way it is.

[MariannNOVA]

We have all girls at home and we limit situations in which my hubby would be alone with girls without other adults present unless we know the family pretty well. The girls don't have sleepovers when I am not here and he doesn't drive girls anywhere unless he is hauling a large group together. While I trust my hubby implicitly, I don't expected others to do the same and I would never want to put my hubby in a situation where he could be falsely accused of something. I think that now days most men would be aware of the implications and certainly understand this reasoning. It is unfortunate but well, it is what it is.

 

No need to allude to his anything, simply tell him that you don't want to put him in that situation for his protection. There are so many ways that things could innocently go wrong. Sometimes little girls simply need a woman around, sometimes things can be misunderstood, sometime embarrasing situations can happen unexpectedly. My hubby lives in a house full of girls and he still asks if it is safe for him to come out of his bathroom into his bedroom in his underware because you can never tell when a child may have come in with a problem, or question or some important thing they have to tell you at 11:00 pm when they were supposed to be asleep two hours ago. A single father of a dd should understand. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: THat is how it was explained to me (as I posted) 'wise as serpents, gentle as doves.'

[RoughCollie]

Well, I don't let my DD spend the night at anyone's house any more. I do not automatically trust men I don't know well, and I do not want her to be overnight at a house with teenage boys (the brothers of her friends).

 

This situation comes to mind. About 6 years ago, I was standing at the bus stop, talking with the other mothers in our nice, crime-free, middle class neighborhood. We were talking about crimes against children. I said that the odds were that we had a child predator in our neighborhood. The other ladies thought I was a nut -- way over-protective of my DD. That would never happen here because we were all well-educated professionals who made plenty of money and took exquisite care of our lawn and of our children.

 

Four short years later, the FBI and state police from 3 states arrested a neighbor. He lived in the most expensive, beautiful house. His wife was the head of all the girl scout troops in town, and he was an engineer. His daughter was my DD's age and in her troop. This family was the last one anyone would suspect would harbor a child predator.

 

The man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for having and disseminating child pornography, for raping a 4 year old, and for raping his own daughter. The 4 year old was the child of another predator. This is the tip of the iceberg with these people -- they commit more crimes than they are ever charged with. They use the internet to get together. Since the internet is easily accessible, I think these crimes have become more frequent and easier to accomplish.

 

If my DD had been close friends with the scumbag's daughter, I would have let her spend the night at that house, given that I would have known the parents well. Thank God that never happened.

 

Since there is no way to tell who child predators are, I would rather be safe than sorry. They look just like everyone else -- the face of evil is an ordinary face, and there are evil people in all walks of life.

 

I tell people that we do not allow sleepovers and I do not feel compelled to give them a reason.

 

Am I being overprotective? If not, how can I graciously get out of this. I've thought about telling him that we have a standing policy that dd can not spend the night w/only a male present. But, this doesn't sound right.

 

Laura

Edited March 5, 2010 by RoughCollie

[ConnieB]

How about honestly telling the dad....I didn't know you very well when you were married to Mom, and I'm not comfortable with my dd having a sleepover at the home of someone I don't know well. Doesn't accuse him of anything....and it's the truth and applies to other families that you don't know well.

 

Then...I'd invite him over for a BBQ to start the process of getting to know him. Perhaps then the other 10% of worry will fade away....or you'll get to know him well enough to tell him of your true worries.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, it's overprotective and unfair. It's life.

 

I'm surprised dad is okay with it! My hubby would not put himself in that kind of situation.

 

I'd simply tell the girls (and dad if he calls) the truth (my first 2 sentences of this post).

 

We got out of this as we were very not comfy with sleepovers AT ALL. I think my daughter went to 2 and my son 1. They did have people over a couple more times. But it wasn't a huge part of their childhoods. BTW, it wasn't a huge part of mine either. We're all just fine (my kids are teens and I made it just fine to 30something) :)

[momofkhm]

I've thought about telling him that we have a standing policy that dd can not spend the night w/only a male present. But, this doesn't sound right.

 

But this sounds fine to me! We do have sleepovers both here and at other friends' houses but if for some reason I will not be home, we always tell the other parent that it will only be dh, do they want to back out? Even it were ds with the friends over, we'd do this.

 

I have mixed feelings when our dds go to someone else's house without the mom there.

 

I would just say "I'm not comfortable with the idea. I can't put my finger on it. I'll pray about it but unless the Lord leads otherwise, the answer is no." I figure since you go to church, the dad goes to your church, this should be fine. Be honest!

[FaithManor]

Frankly, we have some VERY strict rules about sleepovers. DD who is now 19, had only one friend that she was allowed to have sleepovers with. This was because the young lady in question had the kind of dad who had a reputation for standing up for his daughter, ie. literally KNOCKED OUT a 7th grade teacher for making a sexually inappropriate comment in front of his female students. The young lady's older brother was known in high school as "the ultimate gentleman" for smacking down a fellow member of the football team for "inappropriate suggestions" concerning the cheerleading squad.

 

That said, the boys have never stayed anywhere that wasn't grandma and grandpa's or my sister and her husband (he is a military officer who works to root out "pervs" at his base and gather evidence for both military and civil courts. These are the only sleepovers our children have been allowed. They have never stayed at my brother's because they do not control the antics of their children's friends, many of whom are foul mouthed and foul minded.

 

We are also very careful with DH's reputation. That said....I am concerned that this thread has emphasized the "perv-ness" of unknown men but I would like to point out that unknown women are just as dangerous and many times in subtle ways. You'd be suprised how many women have p**n, gambling, and drug addictions, drink excessively but somehow manage to appear put together for society, etc. As a child, I was allowed a sleepover at a friend's house with a woman trusted by the entire community, only to have her drink and drive with my friend and me in the car! I was allowed a liberal number of sleepovers and in many cases, it was the mom that was a very bad influence and highly inappropriate not the dads. I witnessed many dads trying to control their wives addictions and many of these women were "church pillars".

 

I really believe we have just as much to fear from women than men. Yes, technically, Perv -men are a physical danger to our children, but their are just as many women out there that can wreak havoc on our children's hearts in just one evening!

 

The question is not male or female, it's can you trust anybody that you are not intimately close to? Or even better, can you trust anyone given that statistically speaking, grandpa and uncles are more dangerous than the guy across the street? I don't believe in a culture of fear though because that is no way to raise a child and in and of itself, can cause emotional damage.

 

Tough questions but no really easy answers. At any rate, I just wanted to correct the notion that the men are the only real danger.

 

Have a wonderful day Hive! We'll soon be headed to Lansing to help with Agriculture and Natural Resources 4-H days at M.S.U.

 

Faith

[Jackie in NE]

Go with your gut feeling. Don't make excuses. If he's a stand-up guy, he'll understand.

 

Blessings, Jackie

[CalicoKat]

I haven't read past the answers on page one so if I am repeating something already posted, apologies.

 

About a year ago, I was going to help out a mom with carpooling to my dd's party. The mom and I were emailing to work out the details. The mom politely and appropriately asked if I would be coming with my dd to their house to get their daughter or if my dh would be doing the driving with dd. I was doing the driving and responded that. She wrote back, again appropriately and politely, saying that was good, and she had to ask as their family had a policy that their daughters (they have like 8 daughers) were not allowed to be in the company of an adult male without an adult female present -- she said that as parents we need to be:

 

'wise as serpents, gentle as doves.' I thought her posture made alot of sense, and her quote (while I have not had to use it) will be what I use if the situation should come up.

 

It is not wise for an adult male to place himself in that situation, and it is not wise to place a child in that situation. Over-protective? maybe.

 

My suggestion is to be forthright with your dd and be honest: 'it is not a situation that your father and I are comfortable with; it is not a wise situation for your friend's dad to put himself in. Have the sleepover here.'

AMEN! DH & I agreed many moons ago to follow this recommendation and we've never regretted it. Well, maybe a teeny bit of self-pity while driving babysitters home late at night I do. :D But We have to protect our DH's as well as our dc.

[lionfamily1999]

Someone else probably already mentioned this, but does you dd's bff's dad realize the danger he puts himself into when he has unchaperoned girls at his house?

 

It's not fair, I know, he could be a great, good-hearted man without the least little urge to hurt girls. The fact remains that he could end up accused of something, regardless of if he did anything or not.

 

I think he should understand you would be unwilling to have your dd spend the night at a man's house.

[rockermom]

I would.

 

I still remember how sad one of my friends was in elementary school when she invited most of the girls in our GS troop to her house for a slumber party, and none of them came except me. To this day I'm glad my parents didn't hold it against their family that she was the daughter of a single dad.

 

My parents were NOT divorced and many of my friends' parents wouldn't allow sleepovers at my house because I had older teenage brothers. It did hurt... a lot. It made me feel like my house was seen as a house full of molesters or something... even at that young age.

 

That said, If I knew the father and trusted his judgement, it would be a no-brainer. Obviously, there's something holding you and your dh back. Go with your gut.

[sheryl]

Dd 10's best friend lives around the corner from us. They've been good friends for a long time. About 2 years ago, her parents divorced and now that dad has his own place, and his dd has alternating weekends at his place. Well the two girls have been scheming for an overnight at the dad's place. DH and I are definitely not happy with this. We do know the father, but not well enough to feel comfortable w/dd spending the night there.

 

The other day the dad called to invite dd to spend the night w/his dd. I came up w/a lame excuse, but the best friend keeps asking dd when she will be able to stay. I have no idea how to tell dd or the dad that dd will not be able to spend the night there. It sounds like I'm accusing him of being a child molester, and I would feel upset if someone said something like this to me.

 

Am I being overprotective? If not, how can I graciously get out of this. I've thought about telling him that we have a standing policy that dd can not spend the night w/only a male present. But, this doesn't sound right.

 

Laura

 

 

Hey Laura, I'm originally from Cols! Listen, you are NOT, NOT, NOT being overprotective....I do NOT care what anyone else says on this. You have a check from within, so go with that. For me personally it would not be morally acceptable for my almost 11 yo dd to do this. HOWEVER, since you and dh know this man, why not ask dh if he'd be willing to "strongly" suggest a Dad/Daughter fun night and sleepover. This would allow your dh to "BE THERE" and your dd the opportunity to spend the night. With that said, your dd is old enough to understand "some" of this. Have you though about sharing with her your reservations....but done in a way that will not permanently scare her, not accusatory of the friend/father, etc. You know him, but you really don't KNOW him....she'll understand that most people can be trusted, but there are a few out there that can not be trusted and in fact commit crimes, one of which is mistreatment (various forms) of girls. Just a suggestion. I would NOT allow my dd to do this under any circumstances, but if my dh would approve in going that would be fine. Or, invite the girl to spend the night at your house.

[Tracy in Ky]

I would tell dd that she cannot stay there, because you do not know the dad well enough. I would not let my 10 yo dd stay there. Being upfront is the best way to handle it I think. Even regarding a new man in our church, I have told dd not to be alone with him because we do not know him well enough. You can't trust someone that you don't know well. That is no insult to someone; it is simply the truth.

 

She may be upset, but that is okay. We are the adults and we have to make decisions for our children that they sometimes do not like. The Bible says that folly is bound up in the heart of a child--that is why they have parents. :) We can see farther, and we have more wisdom. They need us to guide and protect them.

 

I applaud you for seeing the potential danger.

 

:grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

Is it really all that bad to say it's just innapropriate for a girl to spend the night at a man's house?