Feeling hurt that ds things we're snobbish.

[Lisa R.]

Ds, age 16, thinks our standards are "too high." He says our house is cleaner than any of his friends' houses. He thinks we focus too much on manners and behavior. We asked him if he wanted to invite a friend of his on our vacation, and he said that he didn't think the friend would be comfortable as we would be too critical.

 

Now, here's my side.

 

Our house is cleaner than those of his friends. His peers have families that are more laid back than ours. My dh and I grew up with impeccable standards of cleanliness. My mom thinks we're slack compared to her, in fact. However, we do have a fairly clean and organized house. It takes much work to keep it that way, and we expect the kids to help. They don't appreciate organizing and don't yet share the desire for orderliness and cleanliness. Honestly, we're not compulsive, but the kids tire of picking up after themselves. I do not recall making critical comments about other people's messy houses.

 

We've been blessed financially and have a nice house and nice possessions. My son sees this and feels somewhat self-conscious. We try and share freely --giving to charity, having people over, loaning things out. I don't feel I should apologize for our financial situation, but I want to make sure I'm sensitive to others that don't have as much. Not sure what I need to do here.

 

I don't feel as if I criticize his friends. I do praise him for working hard, holding down a job, encouraging about his achievements. I do ask why so-and-so doesn't have a job or why so-and-so doesn't study more. I can see this could be seen as looking down on others.

 

I want to have high standards and don't feel I should apologize for them. But I don't want to come across like I expect others to do things just as I do, and if they don't, I'll think less of them.

 

We talk a lot about behavior and manners. You'd think that my kids would be sterling examples of proper behavior as this is a common topic of discussion. Since they still act inappropriately at times, we still talk about proper behavior. This could include input on table manners ("keep you elbows off the table") or speech ("you were unkind to your brother/friend/us if the way you spoke the other day") or habits ("don't talk on your cell phone when sitting around your friends") and so on.

 

If this just typical teenage boy behavior, or should make more effort to be less judgmental?

[melissel]

I'm guessing it's probably typical teenage behavior (along the lines of "So-and-so's parents don't make him XYZ!!!!"). I don't have too much advice, since my kids are still little, but I want to say that while your DS probably resents the way you live now, when he's a full-fledged adult, he's going to thank you for it. Don't let it get to you. It's teens' job to make their parents crazy, isn't it? :D

 

:grouphug:

[Caribbean Queen]

I bet deep down you know if you are guilty of being snobby or not.

[Mrs Mungo]

Every teen believes that their parents are wrong-headed and embarrassing.

[Rosy]

I don't think there's anything wrong with they way you live, based on what you've described. Teens are so self-conscious, and they don't appreciate high standards for the most part.

 

However, you might want to help him understand that part of having good manners is making people feel comfortable in your home/presence, and let him know how you expect things to go having a friend on vacation. Maybe he thinks you'll nag/nitpick his friend (not that you do that now, but that might be how he sees it). Maybe his friend will appreciate the way you do things and let your DS know. :)

[Impish]

I think I would stop the asking why so and so doesn't have a job or study more. That's so and so's parent's worries, not yours.

 

Other than that, put it down to teen angst...and, perhaps, avoid correcting his manners in front of his friends. Not saying you have or would, but just what popped into my head.

[Jen500]

I have a good friend...I like to hang out with her, but I wouldn't want to go on vacation with her, because she micromanages everything in her household, including her kids' behavior. Just something to think about. Maybe you could ask your son what specifically he's concerned about.

I'm sure you are a wonderful, loving mom, and high standards can be a good thing. :001_smile:

[Joanne]

don't feel as if I criticize his friends. I do praise him for working hard, holding down a job, encouraging about his achievements. I do ask why so-and-so doesn't have a job or why so-and-so doesn't study more. I can see this could be seen as looking down on others.

I want to have high standards and don't feel I should apologize for them. But I don't want to come across like I expect others to do things just as I do, and if they don't, I'll think less of them.

 

I remember being 16 and knowing everything. I have looked back on that stage of life and evaulated 2 realities:

 

1) I was wrong in delivery and incomplete in content

2) I was also correct in content

 

I'd encourage you to take a look at your 16 year old's words. I remember not wanting to bring friends "over" because of the mess in my childhood home. That seems like the opposite problem than yours, but the shared not wanting to have friends in your childhood home is pertinent. I carry ramifications, even today, of that. Your son doesn't feel like his people are welcome in HIS home. That is significant.

 

I also bolded something in my quote. I think that these speak to possible judgement and possible self-serving questions. The common reasons people don't work or study are usually quite obvious and evident.

 

Anyway, is your question:

 

1) Are we snobs?

 

or

 

2) Should we make any changes regarding the issues brought to us by our 16 year old?

[Rosie_0801]

I want to have high standards and don't feel I should apologize for them. But I don't want to come across like I expect others to do things just as I do, and if they don't, I'll think less of them.

 

 

Well you are entitled to, but it's not polite to show it ;) It's not PC in our post-modernist society to say so, but it's normal to look down on other people who don't measure up to your values. They do the same to you! My SIL looks down on me because I don't work outside the home and my house is a mess. I look down on her for putting her kids in childcare so she can keep her house impeccable. We both recognise that the other has the right to do as they like, but we are still doing things our way because we think it is better. Everybody judges, but it's polite to keep it to oneself. Judging doesn't mean you have to hold a grudge about it. My sister and I both think the other has some kooky ideas, but we don't hold it against one another. I don't think judging in itself is snobbery.

 

Maybe have a chat to him about your values, why you hold your values, the proof you have that keeps you believing those values, then wink and tell him he is allowed to live the way he likes when he moves out of home.

 

Rosie

Edited January 29, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[8circles]

I'm guessing it's probably typical teenage behavior (along the lines of "So-and-so's parents don't make him XYZ!!!!"). I don't have too much advice, since my kids are still little, but I want to say that while your DS probably resents the way you live now, when he's a full-fledged adult, he's going to thank you for it. Don't let it get to you. It's teens' job to make their parents crazy, isn't it? :D

 

:grouphug:

 

I would say this isn't necessarily true. The OP's post could have been my mother talking about me & the house I grew-up in. Now, I have no idea what the OP's home is like except what she posted here - I'm not saying she's exactly like my mother. But I can say that as an adult, I was pretty accurate in my assessment of my parents being snobby & judgemental. I don't thank them for it now & don't think I ever will. Don't get me wrong, they're lovely people. We have a great relationship overall. But people did not feel welcome in our home. I didn't either much of the time.

 

I remember being 16 and knowing everything. I have looked back on that stage of life and evaulated 2 realities:

 

1) I was wrong in delivery and incomplete in content

2) I was also correct in content

 

I'd encourage you to take a look at your 16 year old's words. I remember not wanting to bring friends "over" because of the mess in my childhood home. That seems like the opposite problem than yours, but the shared not wanting to have friends in your childhood home is pertinent. I carry ramifications, even today, of that. Your son doesn't feel like his people are welcome in HIS home. That is significant.

 

I also bolded something in my quote. I think that these speak to possible judgement and possible self-serving questions. The common reasons people don't work or study are usually quite obvious and evident.

 

Anyway, is your question:

 

1) Are we snobs?

 

or

 

2) Should we make any changes regarding the issues brought to us by our 16 year old?

 

:iagree:

[LibraryLover]

Dh & I decided a long time ago that a very important part of parenting our teens is wanting them to feel comfortable bringing friends home. I can't say what your son is really thinking, of course, but I would talk with him about how you all could work together so he would feel comfortable having friends to the house.

 

Our teens have always had their friends over, and we have enjoyed that very much. Our oldest is now bringing college friends home; that is very interesting and nice as well.

[Mrs Mungo]

One star, passive-aggressive tagger-you are a BRAT! eta: and a SISSY!

[8circles]

One star tagger-you are a BRAT!

 

I don't even know how to do these star tags but I don't get why someone would even bother.

[Slartibartfast]

One star, passive-aggressive tagger-you are a BRAT! eta: and a SISSY!

 

And a jackass

 

 

If you have something to say just post it ya sissy.

[Jen500]

I don't even know how to do these star tags but I don't get why someone would even bother.

 

I think that's where the passive-aggressive part come in.

[Ginevra]

I remember not wanting to bring friends "over" because of the mess in my childhood home. That seems like the opposite problem than yours, but the shared not wanting to have friends in your childhood home is pertinent. I carry ramifications, even today, of that.

 

That was exactly true of my childhood home.

 

Lisa R.,

 

I do think it can be hard to strike the right balence, especially if you came from a home where standards were extreme one way or the other. I over compensated for growing up in a home that was a mess by being extremely OCD neat about my home. My standards have come way down since these smallish people came along, however, most outsiders still seem to think my standards are extremely high.

 

It would give me serious food for thought, though, if my teen told me this. He may in fact see something you aren't willing to look at.

[justamouse]

Seriously, tagger, don't you feel the slightest bit ashamed of being that mean? The poster is being honest and asking for help-and this is how you treat a person? I cannot for the life of me understand what motivates people to be so cruel.

 

Dear OP.

 

I understand why you want to be clean, and organized. It makes life so much easier in so many ways! But I think your teen wants his tribe to feel at ease in his house (and I would question how HE feels about his own house). I started out immaculate and 7 kids later... I'm not so much. I still get wiggy over stuff (and I'm working on it-my husband really hates how stressed I get and how I act with it sometimes), but I've learned that I can clean the dishes tomorrow, but having that wonderful time with my kids (what have you) will pass. My house is now the house people stay for coffee, hang out, drop in. It used to make me run for the hills, and now it's my greatest joy when a gaggle of teens walk in, call me Mom and ask what they can eat. My life is much richer for them being in it, and I know the house will be much cleaner when they are all gone and flown the coop. But I have a feeling I'll miss them horribly.

Edited January 29, 2010 by justamouse

[3littlekeets]

Gosh, I'm afraid to post, but you asked, so I will. Truthfully, reading your post, I get a tone of snobbishness --- I can't put my finger on it, but talking about "impeccable standards" seems that you do "value" those things and judge others. To say you are blessed and need not apologize seems that you are very conscious of others differences -- kwim?

 

At 16, I would think manners training is done -- your kids know the lessons, and I'd allow them to relax. There are times and places for everything. Sometimes, put your elbows on the table -- get involved in a deep conversation -- worry so much about fun that you don't notice if someone doesn't change hands when using a knife -- kwim? Formal manners need not be enforced at all occasions.

 

As for cleanliness, I agree with pp that sometimes kids do need to feel comfortable in their home -- just my gut .. but it sounds like your whole home was like my g'mas "white living room" that nobody could actually live in. :lol:

 

I guess what I'm saying is, from your post -- I do think you might want to consider your son's feelings. You are certainly entitled to keep your home and family in whatever way you choose, but if you asked me (and you did :D), it sounds like your son is reaching out and you might want to reach back.

 

HUGE HUGS...I know it wasn't easy to post a self-examination -- and I'm really NOT judging. Goodness only knows my house is made of brittle glass (and my messes are far too many!)

[Melissa in CA]

Your son doesn't feel like his people are welcome in HIS home. That is significant.

 

:iagree:

 

On the other side of the coin, my boys really dislike going to their cousins house for any length of time because they feel constantly judged. My boys are good kids, clean cut, well mannered Christian boys...but regardless, there is just something about that family that screams, "We are judging you and finding you wanting!" I honestly don't think they mean to be that way, but they have so many...so many...rules and regulations [standards] for their kids (boys' cousins) that it just spills onto my boys as judgementalism because we don't have said rules and regulations. They live in fear that they are going to do something wrong, like use the wrong towel in the bathroom to dry their hands :eek: (yes, that actually happened). Perhaps your son's friends have said something to him and made him conscience of your high standards and embarrassed by how it would make them feel. Or perhaps he sees a different more laid back environment in his friends homes and longs for that.

 

Standards are wonderful and structure is good, but some honestly take it too too far. Not saying that you do, but some really do and it usually stems from pride: they want to look, be, and act better than others....which will often pair with a snobby attitude.

 

Anyhow, I honestly wouldn't just sweep it under the carpet as 16 yo behavior. Most 16 yo's can be embarrassed of their parents, but not usually because they are successful and have money and a beautiful clean home. :confused: I can see a 16 yo being embarrassed if their parents are truly snobs though. I know I had some cousins growing up who were absolute snobs...the whole family! It was not pretty. :lol:

[Lisa R.]

I *want* him to feel comfortable bringing friends over too. We frequently invite families over. Once a year we invite several families over--up to 20-25 people at a time. I want our kids and our friends to feel welcome here.

 

I think he seems to think that our house is nicer in appearance, size, and organization than his friends. This makes him feel self-conscious. He *really* doesn't want anyone to feel that he thinks he may be superior. Trust me, there are many houses much nicer than ours, but he doesn't seem to see that now.

 

Given than he has expressed the feeling that we are critical, I need to be more careful about observations or questions about others. I felt like I've been careful, but perhaps I haven't been.

 

While it is hurtful, I'm glad he felt free to express himself. This causes me to evaluate how I'm coming across.

 

Thanks for the replies so far.

[Mommyfaithe]

Ds, age 16, thinks our standards are "too high." He says our house is cleaner than any of his friends' houses. He thinks we focus too much on manners and behavior. We asked him if he wanted to invite a friend of his on our vacation, and he said that he didn't think the friend would be comfortable as we would be too critical.

 

Now, here's my side.

 

Our house is cleaner than those of his friends. His peers have families that are more laid back than ours. My dh and I grew up with impeccable standards of cleanliness. My mom thinks we're slack compared to her, in fact. However, we do have a fairly clean and organized house. It takes much work to keep it that way, and we expect the kids to help. They don't appreciate organizing and don't yet share the desire for orderliness and cleanliness. Honestly, we're not compulsive, but the kids tire of picking up after themselves. I do not recall making critical comments about other people's messy houses.

 

We've been blessed financially and have a nice house and nice possessions. My son sees this and feels somewhat self-conscious. We try and share freely --giving to charity, having people over, loaning things out. I don't feel I should apologize for our financial situation, but I want to make sure I'm sensitive to others that don't have as much. Not sure what I need to do here.

 

I don't feel as if I criticize his friends. I do praise him for working hard, holding down a job, encouraging about his achievements. I do ask why so-and-so doesn't have a job or why so-and-so doesn't study more. I can see this could be seen as looking down on others.

 

I want to have high standards and don't feel I should apologize for them. But I don't want to come across like I expect others to do things just as I do, and if they don't, I'll think less of them.

 

We talk a lot about behavior and manners. You'd think that my kids would be sterling examples of proper behavior as this is a common topic of discussion. Since they still act inappropriately at times, we still talk about proper behavior. This could include input on table manners ("keep you elbows off the table") or speech ("you were unkind to your brother/friend/us if the way you spoke the other day") or habits ("don't talk on your cell phone when sitting around your friends") and so on.

 

If this just typical teenage boy behavior, or should make more effort to be less judgmental?

 

Nevermind the kid...at 16...eh...they're all a little strange...

 

BUT, can I come over to your house and can you teach me how to be like you??? I have struggled my entire adult life to know how to be organized, live in a nice house, have my kids have good manners...But I was not brought up like this. My parents ate with their hands 1/2 the time and we wore the cousins hand-me-down, hand me downs...i was the youngest of 35 first cousins, so you know what stuff looked like by the time I got it.

 

Mom never wore make-up or did her hair....I had no adult role models what so ever.....no manners, no rules.

 

In a few years your son will be proud of his family....and he will be thankful he had good role models.

 

I am honest about wanted someone to teach me this stuff. it is awful when you just don't do those things through ingrained habit. I hope my children are able to take what I have been TRYINGot learn and apply it in their lives...unfortunately, I struggle way too much.....

I really would love to have someone teach me how to put together an outfit, or put on daily make-up, or keep my house beautiful without it all being so completely overwhelming.

 

I think your son is really lucky! He will realize it too in a few years...until then....put on your thick skin.

 

~~Faithe

[WishboneDawn]

I think maybe the answers are yes and yes. :)

 

Yes, he's being a teenager but also yes, he may have a point.

 

I agree with everyone else about talking with him. He may see things in you or the familiy that you don't and that view could be helpful. Try to help him frame his criticisms is a useful manner. That's a skill that could come in handy down the road. Then model graciousness and thoughtfulness in how you handle his comments.

 

Honestly, kids can see stuff that we're blind too. They may be clumsy in how they address it with us but listen when they speak and be thankful you have that person to offer you some insight in how you may appear to others.

 

But before that I think...

 

"You may have a point and we'll discuss that after but the questions was, do you want to invite this friend on the vacation. Let me know, okay?"

[Ellie]

You don't need to apologize for having high standards. You don't need to explain why you have high standards; one hopes he'll eventually figure it out and thank his lucky starts that his mother brought him up right.

 

Commenting about someone else's job or lack thereof is probably not necessary, nor about someone's study habits or lack thereof. :-)

[Guest janainaz]

A home should always feel warm and welcoming and it sounds like your son does not feel that yours is because of something you are giving off. I'm uptight about certain things that drive my kids nuts, but if either of my kids told me that they did not want their friends around, I would want to get into their heart and understand more.

 

I want our home to be a home where kids are drawn to it and where they feel the warmth and the love of our family. My kids need to be polite, they need to show manners, but in their own home, they also need to be free to just be. There is a middle-ground.

[elfinbaby]

FWIW, it may not be a teenage thing and it may not be you. My ds is 11 and isn't embarrassed to bring people over even if the house looks like a bomb just went off. He's only embarrassed if there is a bra laying around. However, my dd, who is 6 prefers to visit her friends at their homes. She hasn't voiced any opinions yet but I can see the wheels turning. She notices if someone else's home is bigger or if they have more things. From whatever reason it's on her radar but not ds'.

 

Our house is currently in need of repairs in a ridiculous way. We had an a/c leak that caused the hardwood floors to buckle. We were literally tripping over some of the "waves." I commented to dh how I was ready to get it fixed (financing is the issue) b/c I don't even want people coming in the house. He agreed and I was so puzzled! Just last month he invited friends and neighbors over for dinner! He didn't even remember b/c he enjoys having people over so much that he forgot what a wreck our home is right now.

[Lisa R.]

For the record, I never said ds didn't want to have friends over to the house. This conversation came up when we asked him if he wanted to invite a friend on vacation. When we asked why he didn't, he brought up examples about our house, our standards, our manners expectations of him and his siblings, etc.

[Guest janainaz]

The "home" is the family. A house is just a house.

[woolybear]

I didn't read all the other replies, so I don't know if I'm being redundant. If so, excuse me.

 

There is a difference between having high standards and being snobbish. High standards are just fine. Perhaps your son has an issue because they don't match his current standards. I think he needs to respect your standards as you would expect him to respect his friends. However, I can't address the snobbish aspect. I think perhaps he is connecting the two, when really, they are not connected.

 

Good luck.

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe he's interpreting your questions about his friends as "Your friends are a bunch of lazy slobs" when all you probably mean is "Your friends as a nice bunch of lads, I'd really like to see them doing a bit better because it's so hard to get started these days."

 

Rosie

[Renee in NC]

Every teen believes that their parents are wrong-headed and embarrassing.

 

I don't agree with this at all. I never felt that way about my parents, even when I lived with them (see below.) My 16yo isn't embarrassed by any of his parents, but he does think his Dad is wrongheaded!;) It may have to do with age - ds and I are in the same generation and I am with my parents. His friend's parents are the same age as my parents (50 and 51.);)

 

OP, when I was 13-14, I lived with my grandparents. They had a much nicer house than most of my friends, their house was always impeccably cleaned (except for the sewing room and the study which were behind closed doors.:lol:) They had high standards for dress (which I thwarted at every turn.) My grandmother often passed judgment on my friends (who were from a much lower socioeconomic class - by choice.) She would ask all of my friends what their fathers did for a living when they first came to the house.:glare: She still is very snobby, but I think she has chilled out a little at 87.:D

 

Only you can know if you are guilty of being snobby. I wouldn't just write off your teen's attitude as "typical teen." Teenagers are not children - we need to be respectful of their opinions and thoughts. We may not agree with them, but don't discount what they say simply because they are between the ages of 13 and 19, KWIM? It's good that you are willing to do the self-examination necessary to see if he is right.:D

[Cammie]

Every teen believes that their parents are wrong-headed and embarrassing.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

You could have the dirtiest house, be the most relaxed parents, be totally unstressed about manners and behavior - and your son still would find something to be embarrassed about!

[Barb_]

Well you are entitled to, but it's not polite to show it ;)

 

I do love Rosie's little pearls of wisdom :D

 

Barb

[Tangerine]

or habits ("don't talk on your cell phone when sitting around your friends") and so on.

 

 

Does this mean you tell him not to talk on his phone when his friends are with him?

 

I'm all about teaching polite cell phone behavior, like getting off the phone while you're interacting with cashiers and such. But a bunch of teenagers sitting around and several making calls while they're hanging out just seems so completely normal. In all kindness, it seems a little micro-managing of a behavior that doesn't bother his friends in the least.

[Barb_]

We asked him if he wanted to invite a friend of his on our vacation, and he said that he didn't think the friend would be comfortable as we would be too critical....snip...We talk a lot about behavior and manners. You'd think that my kids would be sterling examples of proper behavior as this is a common topic of discussion. Since they still act inappropriately at times, we still talk about proper behavior. This could include input on table manners ("keep you elbows off the table") or speech ("you were unkind to your brother/friend/us if the way you spoke the other day") or habits ("don't talk on your cell phone when sitting around your friends") and so on.

 

Hmmm. Okay, this is the part that jumped out a little for me. Maybe your son believes you are too critical of him and his siblings. I pointed out above where you mentioned that manners and proper behavior are a common topic of discussion. It could be that they aren't sterling examples because they are rebelling against what they see is a family culture too uptight and focused on outward appearances. The sliding manners could be a subtle poke at your authority. Or they could simply be trying to fit in with their peers by not appearing so formal. At any rate, by addressing each infraction you could be breeding resentment and escalating further rebellion. While addressing manners frequently during the preschool years is appropriate, it can usually taper off during the elementary years and early teens. By high school those things should really be in place if the foundation is there. It sounds to me that there is something else going on.

 

So your son may be the one feeling judged which is why he is worried a friend would also feel uncomfortably criticized.

 

Barb

[Danestress]

I think we all have critical feelings about our parents, even if we absolutely adore them. I don't want to be just like my parents. If you asked me for a "pro/con" list, I could give you some faults of my parents and also tell you many good things about them. Mostly good

 

My kids will do the same for me. If you are snobbish, your teen will know it. They are thinking hard right now about how they want to be, and some things about their parents they will admire, others they will reject. The great thing about having a teen is that they really will notice your faults, and I felt it sort of "grew me up" to have that.

 

It's very possible that your son will always believe you were too critical and a little snobbish. You can't possibly be perfect, so maybe that's an imperfection that he believes he sees. If it weren't that, it would be something else.

 

He will be an adult with opinions about you and they won't all be good. But he shouldn't have shared that opinion, or at least not the way he did. You extended a really sweet and generous offer - to take a friend on vacation. His response was purposely hurtful. Hopefully someday he will grow up and be more modified in what he says. But you can bet he will think you have imperfections.

[Tree House Academy]

Well you are entitled to, but it's not polite to show it ;) It's not PC in our post-modernist society to say so, but it's normal to look down on other people who don't measure up to your values. They do the same to you! My SIL looks down on me because I don't work outside the home and my house is a mess. I look down on her for putting her kids in childcare so she can keep her house impeccable. We both recognise that the other has the right to do as they like, but we are still doing things our way because we think it is better. Everybody judges, but it's polite to keep it to oneself. Judging doesn't mean you have to hold a grudge about it. My sister and I both think the other has some kooky ideas, but we don't hold it against one another. I don't think judging in itself is snobbery.

 

Maybe have a chat to him about your values, why you hold your values, the proof you have that keeps you believing those values, then wink and tell him he is allowed to live the way he likes when he moves out of home.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree: Very well said, as usual, Rosie!

[elw_miller]

The sliding manners could be a subtle poke at your authority. Or they could simply be trying to fit in with their peers by not appearing so formal. At any rate, by addressing each infraction you could be breeding resentment and escalating further rebellion.

 

What does he view as "the point of manners"? To him, are they a way of making others comfortable? Or, are they for acting proper and "better" than others? Barb F. brought up a good point.

 

To clarify, when I was a teen I didn't recognize that manners were for making others comfortable. It took watching and reading Jane Austen for me to get it!

 

 

This is a very good discussion. Glad you posted! :)

Edited January 29, 2010 by elw_miller
Clarity.

[Stacia]

Given than he has expressed the feeling that we are critical, I need to be more careful about observations or questions about others. I felt like I've been careful, but perhaps I haven't been.

 

Communication is not just words. Non-verbal communication often speaks louder than words. It's another area of yourself to examine if you are trying to look at your behaviors as seen through the eyes of your 16yo.

[happi duck]

I think I would stop the asking why so and so doesn't have a job or study more. That's so and so's parent's worries, not yours.

 

Other than that, put it down to teen angst...and, perhaps, avoid correcting his manners in front of his friends. Not saying you have or would, but just what popped into my head.

:iagree:

[PollyOR]

He's only embarrassed if there is a bra laying around.

 

:lol: Oh, I can relate to this!

[Jill- OK]

Ds, age 16, thinks our standards are "too high." He says our house is cleaner than any of his friends' houses. He thinks we focus too much on manners and behavior. We asked him if he wanted to invite a friend of his on our vacation, and he said that he didn't think the friend would be comfortable as we would be too critical.

.....................................

 

We talk a lot about behavior and manners. ("keep you elbows off the table") or speech ("you were unkind to your brother/friend/us if the way you spoke the other day") or habits ("don't talk on your cell phone when sitting around your friends") and so on.

 

If this just typical teenage boy behavior, or should make more effort to be less judgmental?

 

Having high standards doesn't equal being judgemental. That's not to say that people with high standards can't be judgemental at times, or snobbish, just that it's not a given.

 

It's hard to tell from what you've described if your son is bucking up against requirements he doesn't like, or if he just doesn't get that, yet. (That high standards don't automatically equal snobbishness).

 

You might tell him that you're seriously considering what he's said, and looking at how you speak about others, so that he knows you listen to his opinons...but if he's been at all disrespectful in how he's presented you with his thoughts, I'd definitely tell him that he needs to change that.

 

Teens can be respectful, and opinionated, lol. But many times they need some instruction about how to fine-tune their Tact Machine.

 

ETA: I wanted to say something else, because it seems like he might feel guilty about having a nice home, nice things, etc...you have to learn to deal with that. You're always going to be better off than someone else, and there will always be folks better off than you. Being responsible with the wealth you have (whatever level that is) is important, and even though it sounds like you and your husband take that responsibility seriously, I'm wondering if that area is something you guys could share with him more? Of course, you may already do that...just thought I'd throw it out there.

Edited January 30, 2010 by Jill, OK