What to say instead of "grounded?"

[MomOfOneFunOne]

A month or so ago my daughter was grounded. A friend called and I said something like, "Sorry, Anne, she can't come to the phone right now but she'll call you back when she's ungrounded." This upset my girl. She hadn't wanted me to say that. I was sorry about it. I mean, I don't mind. If she wants that to be private, that's fine with me.

 

So, we discussed it and if it happens again we agreed I'd just take a message and not mention that she's grounded. No problem.

 

Well, she's grounded again for a few days. This time, though, she has to miss an outing with a friend. She initially asked me to say that she's sick. We discussed that and she really does understand why that isn't an option. Honesty, I was saddened that she even asked. She readily agreed, though, when we discussed that it would be wrong.

 

We've talked about a couple of things we could say but can't really come up with anything. "She has a conflict" just sounds . . . too cool. Lying is not a choice. We need ideas.

 

Got any?

[LauraGB]

Honestly? I'd still say grounded. The fact that it bothers her is part of the punishment - she may be less apt to get grounded this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. My kids don't like it either, and I simply tell them I won't cover for them.

[Dobela]

I would tell her that honesty is the best policy and let her know you won't make it sound better to her friends. Maybe then she will try to self discipline herself so that you won't have to ground her and then you won't have to embarass her by telling her friends what is really going on. Part of the punishment is having to tell friends the truth - even if it hurts or is embarassing.

[Denisemomof4]

restriction? loss of privileges?

 

I don't know, it's "grounded" in this house. Maybe your daughter being embarrassed that she's grounded is a GOOD thing? HHhhhhmmmmmm. I'd stick with it. I wish my boys were embarrassed of that word. ;)

[MotherMayI]

I don't know how well it "flows" but I have heard on punishment. I do agree that keeping it real makes the most sense and might produce a change in behavior if it bothers her enough.

[Petie]

How about just saying, "She can't make it this time". No lying, and no embarassing her needlessly. As much as I understand the need for her to learn, I don't feel that embarassing her publicly will help with that. Of course, I have a 12 yr. old boy as opposed to a girl (my daughter is still young enough for time-outs to be the strictest form of discipline) and he doesn't worry about how many people know he's on restriction, but I still would avoid blatant embarassment as a tactic. For us, we don't believe it is beneficial for him.

[ChristusG]

I agree with everyone else....I'd keep it as grounded. If she didn't want to tell her friends that she's grounded, she shouldn't have gotten herself there in the first place. At least that's what I'd tell my kids. :D

[LizzyBee]

How about "She's unavailable that day." You don't owe anyone any further explanation.

[Audrey]

Honestly? I'd still say grounded. The fact that it bothers her is part of the punishment - she may be less apt to get grounded this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. My kids don't like it either, and I simply tell them I won't cover for them.

 

 

:iagree: I don't think it sounds harsh. It is part of the consequences. Except ... my parents called it "being on restriction." It was almost worse for friends to know you were on restriction than to actually BE on restriction.

[Colleen]

I've never had cause to "ground" anyone around here but of course there are times when they have privileges removed ~ generally as a direct consequence. I can't put my finger on it, but I absolutely HATE the term "grounded". And I really don't see why you'd need to relay that at all someone who called for your daughter. (For that matter, I don't really know why "being grounded" would disallow someone from simply taking a phone call and saying, "I can't talk right now" or "I can't do anything for a while". But that's another matter.)

[LauraGB]

How about just saying, "She can't make it this time". No lying, and no embarassing her needlessly. As much as I understand the need for her to learn, I don't feel that embarassing her publicly will help with that. Of course, I have a 12 yr. old boy as opposed to a girl (my daughter is still young enough for time-outs to be the strictest form of discipline) and he doesn't worry about how many people know he's on restriction, but I still would avoid blatant embarassment as a tactic. For us, we don't believe it is beneficial for him.

 

To be fair, it would depend on the child and the reason they were grounded. If the child did something embarrassing this once, was truly horrified and sorry, well, then, I'd probably be more gentle (but, then grounding might not be my course of action, either). My opinion comes from experience with my own kids who tend to get grounded often (?!) - and my philosophy with them is 'if the shoe fits..."

[orangearrow]

I agree with everyone else....I'd keep it as grounded. If she didn't want to tell her friends that she's grounded, she shouldn't have gotten herself there in the first place. At least that's what I'd tell my kids. :D

 

:iagree:

[Evergreen State Sue]

I remember it being call "on restriction" when I was in the teen years.

 

If you need to say something, how about she's lost her phone privileges or her friend privileges or just a generic she's lost some privileges this week.

[happi duck]

You mentioned that she will miss an outing with a friend...here's my two cents...please make sure you won't end up punishing the friend by mistake. If canceling will punish the friend, you can explain that you are letting her keep her promise because it is the right thing to do and that she owes you another day of restriction. Again, just my two cents!

ETA And if you do need to cancel remind dd that if you say 'she can no longer attend' or 'she's not available that day' her friend might feel like she's getting an excuse and dd is just getting out of the outing, KWIM? Honesty is best for the friendship.

Edited January 17, 2010 by happi duck

[Kate CA]

Honestly? I'd still say grounded. The fact that it bothers her is part of the punishment - she may be less apt to get grounded this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. My kids don't like it either, and I simply tell them I won't cover for them.

 

I agree. If my child has done something that would warrant the punishment then they warrant the consequences of that punishment--all of them. I don't really understand why you would want to cater to her thoughts on it. If she gets a punishment she gets it period.

[Sonshine]

Well,I have no problem with my child being embarrassed because she is grounded and that has happened frequently here. However, I do not think that they owe an explanation of the details of their personal lives to people.

I tend to give too much information to people myself and have to realize that that trait is not a good thing. Now, if they have to cancel something important with a dear friend, maybe they should explain, but not always in every situation. "They can't make it" sounds good to me.

[missmoe]

I explain it as my child has made some choices that preclude him from doing....(insert activity here). :001_smile:

[nd293]

I don't think I'd cover for her, although I do understand the issue. Dd9 and ds3 had a shrieking, hitting, screaming fight the other day, and the 5yr old neighbours asked if they'd been "naughty". I was more that happy to agree with their assessment, but dd was very annoyed that I'd done so. Tough. If you do the crime, you do the time (so to speak - actions have consequences, to put it more politically correctly). I might be happy to say "She is not allowed/able to go out this week, but she'll call you next week" or something along those lines. Then dd could explain as she saw fit when restrictions were lifted.

[mom2denj]

Honestly? I'd still say grounded. The fact that it bothers her is part of the punishment - she may be less apt to get grounded this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. My kids don't like it either, and I simply tell them I won't cover for them.

 

 

:iagree:

[Chris in VA]

Yeah, I'd still say grounded, or maybe on restriction. But I'd let HER say it, even if staying off the phone was part of the consequence of her behavior.

And I have to disagree with Happi Duck (nothing personal! :001_smile:)--part of the taking away of priviledges is the fact that it often inconveniences or disappoints others to not be able to attend/do something. The reality that our actions affect more than us can be a stunner--facing a friend you had to disappoint can be a great motivator to make a wiser choice next time. It can be a good example to the friend, too.

[happyhomemaker25]

When my oldest was younger she was invited to a ballet by our preacher's wife. I told her she had to have all of her school work for the week done or she could not go. She threw half of her school work away thinking I would not notice. LOL

I made her call the Preacher's wife and tell her she would not be going to the ballet because she had been disobedient and not done what she was told to do. Then she gave her ticket to another girl.

We call it taking responsibility for your actions around here. To many times I see kids (and adults) who excuse themselves from having done anything wrong. When our kids do something wrong they have to own up to it. If it's just us affected they have to own up to us. In this case someone else was affected so she had to own up to that person as well.

[Remudamom]

If she doesn't want people to know she's grounded then she'd best behave herself and not end up that way.

[Sputterduck]

If she doesn't want people to know she's grounded then she'd best behave herself and not end up that way.

 

 

Exactly. I wouldn't change what I said. I'd hope the embarrassment would help her.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Honestly? I'd still say grounded. The fact that it bothers her is part of the punishment - she may be less apt to get grounded this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. My kids don't like it either, and I simply tell them I won't cover for them.

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

I agree with everyone else....I'd keep it as grounded. If she didn't want to tell her friends that she's grounded, she shouldn't have gotten herself there in the first place. At least that's what I'd tell my kids. :D

:iagree:

If she doesn't want people to know she's grounded then she'd best behave herself and not end up that way.

:iagree:

I've told Diva...if you don't want others knowing things that embarass you, then don't do anything that you wouldn't be proud to have others know.

[rosehaven]

We reap what we sow........cause and effect whatever you choose to call it, same meaning. You're the parent and what you decide should be what is used NOT what your child decides.

 

God bless

[Desert Rat]

In my region most kids are on restriction, meaning their activities are restricted. Would that be an option? I agree, BTW, that saying she is sick or has a conflict is not the way to go.

[AnitaMcC]

Honestly? I'd still say grounded. The fact that it bothers her is part of the punishment - she may be less apt to get grounded this way.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. My kids don't like it either, and I simply tell them I won't cover for them.

 

:iagree:

 

I have told my kids if they don't like the truth being told when they can't honor commitments... then they should have thought about it before making the wrong choices that got them grounded.

[Chris in VA]

Just wanted to add that I know it's hard. :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

We use 'in the doghouse'.

 

Laura

[StephanieZ]

I tell my dc that if they are embarassed by sth they did/do (or the consequences thereof). . . one of the natural consequences of their misbehavior is the embarassment. . .

 

Sometimes they just SO don't want me to talk about it (to them, to dh, to anyone). . . I just tell them they are SOL and that if they don't want to hear me gripe about it. . . DON'T DO IT!!

 

Perhaps you can allow the child a 5 min phone call to excuse herself from the outing/event. . . It may be wise to not be in the room while she makes the call. . . so if she lies, you don't know about it. . . or if she blames your unfairness or general evilness, you don't know about it. (I'd imagine the last thing you want right now is another source of conflict.)

 

I think that's what I will do when that happens to us. DD has been grounded but so far it hasn't made her miss sth important. . . If/when that happens. . . I think I'll allow a 5 min facebook session and/or 5 min phone calls to whoever she wants to make her apologies.

[Desert Rat]

I like that, Laura!