Erica in PA Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Just had an awkward conversation with the neighbor, and I'm feeling yucky about it. Background: we've lived in an apartment complex for the past four years. Last week our downstairs neighbor (age 9) went to day camp with my kids and I was considering allowing him to start playing in our house from time to time. (We've always had the rule that our kids could only play outside with the neighborhood kids, and our kids have always been fine with that.) Due to his family situation, we would not be comfortable with our kids in his apartment, though. I went to talk to his guardians on Saturday for the first time, not about gettting together, just about something related to the day camp. We had a nice, friendly conversation, and that was that... Well, apparently they took my friendliness as an opening for child care, because yesterday the man came to my door and asked if I could watch the boy for a few hours while he took his younger sister to the doctor. Said he'd be bored if he came along, and that he didn't want to pay a babysitter. I didn't really see why he shouldn't just go along, but I wanted to be kind, and told him I would do it. It went fine, except that when he got home, he didn't even come tell me-- it was as though he just expected him to stay here all day. A little while after I thought I saw his car, I went downstairs to check and both guardians were home, watching tv. I told them I'd send the boy down. No thanks for watching him or anything. Also, the boy kept hounding me while he was here about how he wanted my kids to come to his house, and questioning me about why they couldn't, even when I was firm and said it was just our family's rule. I finally told him after much discussion that I wouldn't stand for any more arguing, and he quieted down. So, today the doorbell rings, my stomach sinks, and sure enough, it's the man, asking me to watch the boy again today. This time it's even more frivolous, it's just so he can go visit some relatives in MD before his girlfriend gets home. I do not want to be an unpaid babysitter, just because I try to be a friendly person and happen to live upstairs!! I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I just told him the truth: that while I was willing to help them out in a pinch, for emergencies, I didn't want to watch the child on a regular basis. Nothing against him, he's a fine kid, but we like our space and our privacy, and we don't like having kids in and out all the time. I made sure to smile, and I apologized if I sounded rude, but I still felt bad afterward. He took it okay, just said okay, thanks anyway, but it was very awkward and he was obviously disappointed. Did I do the right thing? Was I too harsh? I want to be on good terms with my neighbors, but I also want space and privacy, which we have always been able to have in the four years we've been here-- until now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 In the words of my dear friend, "hecks ya!" Stand your ground, nicely. :grouphug: I know how hard that is to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilbean05 Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I was in a bit of a situation like this with some people I knew and I found it much easier to just be unavailable. I accepted the first time and then realized that it was slowly becoming abused. After a few rounds of me not being able to help out, the situation dissolved on its own. I don't know if this was the right way to do it either, but I thought it much better then trying to openly discuss it. I didn't expect the person to learn anything from me, just get upset if I spoke frankly. If the person ever called in advance, then I was more happy to help because it was a planned thing. I was hoping that they would learn that on their own, but they never seemed to put 2 and 2 together. Ah well. That is okay I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Perfect response. You were direct and kind. Kudos! ETA: And I bet his disappointment was mostly, "Dang, there goes the free babysitting! :D" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I think you did great. We've had lots of similar situations in our neighborhood. I just attribute it to "different boundries" and move on. I always feel so sad for the kids in these situations though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You handled it perfectly. He asked, "Do you want to babysit for free?" You said, "No I don't want to babysit for free." Where's the problem in that? He was polite, you were polite. It was a normal, calm interaction. Let it go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You did great. The only thing I would do differently is not feel guilty, bad or uncertain. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'm proud of you! I do think you did the right thing. I had a neighbor like that once. The little boy I watched was 4 and my dd was only a few months old. We had to feed him, bathe him, get him in his pajamas and let him fall asleep on the sofa until his dad decided to roll in from going out with his girlfriend. This was most evenings after being in a daycare all day while his dad was at work. I just felt so horrible for the little boy because his living conditions were not optimal. And the weird thing was that the dad was going through the procedure to have complete custody of the child. Finally his girlfriend moved in with him and she took care of the little boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KLynnTX Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You handled it perfectly! Imagine what the next few weeks/months would look like if you would've caved. As horrible as we sometimes feel saying "No", sometimes the right answer is "No". In my opinion, this is one of those times!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rlowetx Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 A neighbor had the exact same thing happen to her by one of our other neighbors.. you handled it great.. its what she finally did (although it took her a couple more times to get up the nerve). What is sad is that there are apparently more than your neighbor or my neighbor that feels that this is appropriate behavior. How sad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Sounds like you handled it great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Sounds like you handled it fine :) It can be tricky working out these relationships with neighbors, their children and how much time they spend with you and your kids. My childrens social lives have taken off this summer and we have been dealing with some of the same stuff. On one hand, it is nice there are children my kids can play with. On the other hand, there are definetely unexpected things to work out and boundaries that need to be set..over.. and over.. and over..... :glare: I guess never having a dull moment builds character right?!:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Another - you handled it very well vote. Don't feel guilty that you wouldn't become his doormat. If you hadn't said what you had, I can pretty much guarantee that in a few weeks we would have had one of those "what do I do" kind of posts where you said, 'I've let this go on so long that now I don't know how to stop it.' You did great!:thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyWifeandMommy Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Yeah for your for standing your ground. Me, I will say yes because I cannot say no when it comes to kids. More than once I had children here that I wished weren't. They were like second kids because they end up having lunch/dinner here. Thankfully those families have moved on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You absolutely did the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You did the right thing. I would be going over what I said and did for days and also come on line and check with the ladies to get encouragement that YES, I did the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joy at Home Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Erika, you did great!! It's very tempting to try to just make excuses until he gets the hint, but I think a forward and polite approach early on setting boundaries is the best way. Good for you!! Blessings, lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Perfect response. You were direct and kind. Kudos! ETA: And I bet his disappointment was mostly, "Dang, there goes the free babysitting! :D" :iagree: He was taking advantage and I am glad you were bold enough to set boundaries with him. Great job! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You did absolutely the right thing! I'll never understand why ppl think that anyone wants to mind their child(ren) for free. Heck, I've been in emergency situations before, and have been blessed enough to have someone nearby that could mind the kids, but I've ALWAYS paid them, or attempted to (I've been refused before, and then made them some sort of gift as a thanks). Never ceases to amaze me that some folks think that the world is their unpaid sitter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Stop second-guessing yourself! You set a healthy, perfectly reasonable boundary and have nothing to feel guilty about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 give yourself a great, big pat on the back!:thumbup1: Someone here did what I did a year ago when one time was beginning to turn into feeding dinner to and waiting for the mom to show up --I was feeding my own kids and it didn't seem right to do anything else. I became unavailable.....disconnected the doorbell, screened phone calls using caller ID, put a sign on our door that we were doing school work and we would be out later, and made it a point to always have my car in the garage (no windows). It was annoying, and it took a few weeks, but the individual got the idea. I felt badly about it as they were a nice family (here from the UK with their Embassy) but, hey, everybody's busy and everybody has to run here and there with their kids...so when we got to the fourth time in a week, the 'unavailable' game plan went into action. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandellie4 Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I think you did great. We've had lots of similar situations in our neighborhood. I just attribute it to "different boundries" and move on. I always feel so sad for the kids in these situations though. I totally agree! We had a neighbor who started out like this, asking for free babysitting, and then one day I looked outside and he had left his 2yo in our blow-up pool in the front yard. I knocked on his door to give him a piece of my mind (not that I have a piece to spare!), but he was gone. He had driven to the grocery store and thought I "wouldn't mind" since I was schooling at home anyway. I ended up having to be direct and I felt bad for the child, but he didn't seem to have any sense of boundaries at all. You did fine. Better to be direct early on than wait until the child pays the price somehow. Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunnytracks Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You handled it awesome!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Job well done. Because the next step would have been to send the child over without the adult to "play" for a little while. It is much harder to tell the child no especially when they then say "But dad said to stay with you until he got back" :glare: Once they learn your schedule, then they feel free to not even check if it's okay. Don't feel bad about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Perfect response. You were direct and kind. Kudos! ETA: And I bet his disappointment was mostly, "Dang, there goes the free babysitting! :D" You handled it perfectly. He asked, "Do you want to babysit for free?" You said, "No I don't want to babysit for free." Where's the problem in that? He was polite, you were polite. It was a normal, calm interaction. Let it go. You did great. The only thing I would do differently is not feel guilty, bad or uncertain. ;):iagree: Great job! You don't want it to get out of hand or be harder to say anything, and it looks like it definitely would've continued! (I mean why not? You find someone to watch your kid for free whenever you want so you can watch tv in peace....hey, it's a no-brainer!!!:tongue_smilie:) I think you saved worse problems by setting the boundaries right from the start!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I have to say that I probably wouldn't even have kept him the first time. I think you were more than kind. I'm not sure why some folks see stay at home moms as free sitters. I've had folks try to do this to me numerous times over the years. I'm not up for it AT ALL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Jenny Flint Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 perfectly atrocious behavior on your neighbor's part. Don't let others' weird behavior or feelings make you feel badly about what you do. Your appropriate and healthy behavior will always make the wackos feel a little unsettled. I spent a lifetime feeling guilt about my mother's responses to my sane behavior. No more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OHGrandma Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Another vote for 'you did fine'. He asked, you politely said, 'no'. It was kind of you to watch the child in a pinch, and you made it clear it would not be a regular thing, nothing wrong with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You did fine. Better to be direct early on than wait until the child pays the price somehow. Sandy :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in CA Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 You did awesome - you were honest and tempered it with grace :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Perfect response. You were direct and kind. Kudos! ETA: And I bet his disappointment was mostly, "Dang, there goes the free babysitting! :D" I agree! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepymommy Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Your response to him was great! And way more tactful then I probably would have been:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Also, the boy kept hounding me while he was here about how he wanted my kids to come to his house, and questioning me about why they couldn't, even when I was firm and said it was just our family's rule. I finally told him after much discussion that I wouldn't stand for any more arguing, and he quieted down. Thinking about this, I'm wondering if the guy was trying to start a "half the time they are there, and half the time they are here" relationship. I remember spending most of my summers with someone (usually at neighbor's houses because they had many more toys, plus dogs, and mother's who dole out junkfood). Maybe he thought he was being encouraging to you rather than imposing....especially if that family had tried having your son over and been turned down. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 :iagree: Perfect response. You were direct and kind. Kudos! ETA: And I bet his disappointment was mostly, "Dang, there goes the free babysitting! :D" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Thinking about this, I'm wondering if the guy was trying to start a "half the time they are there, and half the time they are here" relationship. I remember spending most of my summers with someone (usually at neighbor's houses because they had many more toys, plus dogs, and mother's who dole out junkfood). Maybe he thought he was being encouraging to you rather than imposing....especially if that family had tried having your son over and been turned down.Just a thought. Even if that was what the man was thinking, and honestly I don't think it was (it was the boy who was arguing with me over my kids going to his house, fwiw, not the man), that would be something I could never allow. There are many things that go on in their home that I would not expose my children to, especially without me. Not to mention the fact that I don't want to split my children's time with *anyone,* trustworthy family or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Thank you so much, everyone!!! It has been very encouraging to hear all of this support! I do agree that it had to be done, and I'm optimistic that taking this stand now will prevent more uncomfortable situations with this family in the future. Thanks again for all of your helpful, supportive responses! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Not to mention the fact that I don't want to split my children's time with *anyone,* trustworthy family or not. I didn't want to imply that you did, just that many people DO do this, even back when I was a kid. I was just thinking he might not be malignant sponge. Maybe he was trying to help his kid's agenda of being with a pal as much as possible. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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