My (unconventional) family arrangement

[Ravin]

Okay, I'm pretty much posting this because several people have expressed curiosity.

 

Our family at present consists of:

 

DH

Me

DW#2

BIL

DD, age 5 1/2

DSS's 1 and 2, ages 13 and 11, who visit regularly (usually one weekend a month and a month in the summer).

 

DW#2 is of course not legally married to DH. She's been with our family for over a year and a half (it'll be 2 yrs. in Nov.). She and DH have known each other since before DH and I met; they dated before DH married his first wife (from whom he is divorced). In the interim she was married, had her sons, and separated. She was involved with a guy who was emotionally abusive and interfered in her relationship with her sons because of his jealousy issues; we invited her to move in with us in part so she could get out of that situation. She and her DH only just divorced this year; her exDH wanted to get re-married.

 

DH and I will have our 10th wedding anniversary this August. We decided when we got married that we would be open rather than monogamous; exactly how that openness has played out in our marriage has varied over the years. This is the first time we've had a serious long term second relationship expand our family; we considered another brief attempt right after I got out of the service, with a guy I'd met in Japan, but he wasn't a very stable person and shortly after DH met him he was out of our lives. We spent the first two years of our marriage living apart, while I was stationed on a ship forward deployed from Japan in the Navy.

 

BIL (DH's younger half-brother) has lived with us since before DD was born. He's been a pretty stable roommate, and without him here we wouldn't presently be able to make ends meet.

 

We live in a 3 bedroom home. The three of us (DH, me, DW#2) share the master bedroom, BIL has one of the other bedrooms, and DD has a bedroom. When DSSs come over, they sleep on the hideaway in the TV room, or else in the master bedroom with their mom since I work nights and DH isn't at home right now.

 

DD is homeschooled. DSS's are in public school and live with their dad and soon-to-be stepmom most of the time.

 

All the adults in the household work, but we juggle our schedules so that someone is home with DD. Though right now, she's visiting my mom in Texas which is giving everyone a break.

 

DH is serving a year in jail on accessory to arson, because our restaurant caught on fire and he had access to the building. They decided it was his fault (and DH suspected arson from the get-go, on the part of the somewhat shady former owners of the business, because the fire appeared to have started in the liquor cabinet of the bar--we lost our livelihood and wound up in big mounds of debt because of this fire). He took a plea deal rather than fight it because we couldn't afford our own lawyer and the one provided was a putz. He's on work furlough, so we do get to see him pretty regularly, but he has to sleep at jail, and is stuck there on his one day/week off. If he can finish the terms of his sentence, the record will be tossed out, so hopefully in February we'll be able to put the whole ordeal behind us for good.

 

There is NO WAY our family would have been able to survive this year as a unit without DW#2. BIL and I don't always get along very well (we live under the same roof mostly by being very polite and avoiding each other a lot), and DH is effectively unable to contribute to the household income right now, because between gas and the fees charged to be in the work furlough program, he's got almost no money after child support (for his DD from previous marriage who he hasn't gotten to see in 9 years) is taken out. His child support is still based on his income when he was a restaurant manager ten years ago; he's currently earning just a few cents above minimum wage, and working less than full time. He's tried to appeal it, without success. I'd also have no one to watch DD while I worked without DW#2, her financial contributions to the household (and better relationship with BIL) aside.

 

So, that's my story. Feel free to ask questions if you're still curious.

[Joanne]

Wow. Interesting non standard, counter cultural family.

 

The complications of step families, legal battles, child support and the like I "get" and wish you justice and peace.

 

I'm familiar with polyamory situations. I wish all persons involved in intimate relationships health, joy, and a lack of drama. My I ask at what point in your life did you know you'd be open to intimacy outside the cultural norm?

[Ravin]

I'm familiar with polyamory situations. I wish all persons involved in intimate relationships health, joy, and a lack of drama. My I ask at what point in your life did you know you'd be open to intimacy outside the cultural norm?

 

Thanks, Joanne! Lack of drama is definitely a good thing.

 

As for at what point in my life did I know I'd be open counter-cultural relationships...well, I came out as a lesbian to my parents my Jr. year of high school, then dated two boys at once my senior year (maybe because I didn't find any girls to date in my little Texas town). As in, some of the dates were the two of them and me, going to IHOP after work or to the movies.

 

I pretty much went through a period in my late teens where I questioned everything I'd been raised with--religion, relationships, sexuality, all of it. And in the end "poly" tends to be the prefix you can attach to all of those things for me. Polytheist, polyamorous...well, bisexual doesn't start with poly, but you get the idea. It was toward the end of this period I also concluded I'd homeschool, attachment parent, etc. my kids when I had them, rather then going with the default, mainstream expectation of how to raise children.

 

What I didn't shuck were the core values that transcend the details. Work ethics, fidelity, honor, trustworthiness, compassion, etc., are all very important to me. I've gotten to the point where there's just not much room in my life or psyche for dishonesty--a big reason why I didn't re-enlist in the Navy. I couldn't take the Don't Ask, Don't Tell BS anymore.

[swellmomma]

That is very cool. I have wondered when I have heard of family arrangements like this, what does your DD and you step kids think about this arrangement? Do they ever express concern over having 2 moms, 1 dad all in one house? I've been curious about polyamorous relationships for a long time, but I know that I am far too jealous of a person to make it work kwim. How do you prevent jealousy from creeping in?

[KingM]

Whatever works for you. Our best friends for about fifteen years have recently decided they're polyamorous after a period of swinging. They were mainstream (not polygamist, I mean) Mormons when we met, so they've changed a lot since we've known them, needless to say.

 

DW and I are a pretty traditional couple, so it has taken a bit of getting used to hearing about their other romantic interests. But they're grownups, and it really doesn't affect us, so we're accepting of their alternate lifestyle.

[Tree House Academy]

Wow. That is definitely "different." Not sure I could ever share my husband, but if it works for you, then okay. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

I will definitely not make judgements, because the family I grew up in could be on Jerry Springer. LOL

[secular_mom]

It's so nice to hear of real working relationships. That's great that DW#2 found a new family, and has been such a contributor to peace in your home. Kudos to all of you. Good thoughts/vibes for your husband (and all of you) as he finishes his sentence.

[Ravin]

I have wondered when I have heard of family arrangements like this, what does your DD and you step kids think about this arrangement? Do they ever express concern over having 2 moms, 1 dad all in one house? I've been curious about polyamorous relationships for a long time, but I know that I am far too jealous of a person to make it work kwim. How do you prevent jealousy from creeping in?

 

The kids...well, DD was just 4 when DW#2 joined the family, so she pretty much took it in stride. We've had roommates (BIL, and until about 4 mo. before DW#2 joined us, he had a girlfriend living with him for 3 years, too. Their split was rather nasty; fortunately DD and I were in TX visiting my mom when it happened) her whole life, so it's never been just her and her dad and I. I don't think she really thinks of DW#2 as a second mom, quite. She thinks of her as A mom, but not HER mom, if that makes any sense. We actually talked about it about a month ago, and she said she loves DW#2 the same as she does Grandma, Grandpa, close friends, etc., and loves DH and I more. Which is fine. She often minds her better than she does me, which is aggravating but means she can be a big help when DD is being difficult, esp. with DH not around right now.

 

DSS's are cool with it. They've seen that their mom is a lot happier since joining our family, and she is able to make more time for them than she could with her exBF (who really was jealous of her having a relationship with her kids, didn't like them coming over to their place, etc.). They get along well with both DH and I. Neither of us try to parent them, really, just be supportive adult friends, if that makes any sense. One will ask me if he can do something while his mom's at work, and my answer is usually, "what did your mom say?" if it's anything that doesn't warrant an automatic "of course, this is your house too!" (Such as getting something to eat). They're great with DD, too. Gradually they've begun feeling I think more like siblings. They'll play with her on the XBox or play board games with her, and generally show a great deal of patience with her.

 

As for jealousy, it's not really been an issue. DW#2 and I are very different people; we literally have opposite personality types (I'm an INTJ, she's an ISFJ) we seem to complement each other in our respective relationships with DH. When I introduced her to the TV show Big Love (as payback for getting me hooked on Bones), she commented that there's no way she could see another woman entering the equation; she'd get jealous, though she's not in the least jealous of me. I'm pretty sure I don't have a jealous bone in my body, and DH is much the same way. We are all three perfectly capable of loving more than one person, and wanting those we love to be happy is part of our own happiness.

[Impish]

Best of luck to all of you!

 

Personally, I couldn't handle a 2nd wife. Far too territorial about EVERYTHING. My husband, my kitchen, my kids. MINE MINE MINE.

 

Now, a 2nd HUSBAND...:D

 

Wolf, however, is just as territorial as I. *sigh* :lol:

[Plucky]

Best of luck to all of you!

 

Personally, I couldn't handle a 2nd wife. Far too territorial about EVERYTHING. My husband, my kitchen, my kids. MINE MINE MINE.

 

Now, a 2nd HUSBAND...:D

 

Wolf, however, is just as territorial as I. *sigh* :lol:

 

This makes me chuckle. I've sometimes wished I had another to share the wife role. It's hard/impossible to get everything done. But I've experienced too many open marriage/polyamory relationships to know it's usually more complicated than a regular marriage.

 

My step-sister had a 4-some marriage and after 2 years it blew up in their face. She's divorced now from her original dh as well. My dad & stepmother's open marriage ended dreadfully and left us kids pretty scarred from all the dysfunction (not to mention child molestation).

 

I've not seen a lot of these situations work out and I've seen more than I'd like to.

[swellmomma]

Best of luck to all of you!

 

Personally, I couldn't handle a 2nd wife. Far too territorial about EVERYTHING. My husband, my kitchen, my kids. MINE MINE MINE.

 

Now, a 2nd HUSBAND...:D

 

Wolf, however, is just as territorial as I. *sigh* :lol:

 

 

Hehe I would be happy with 1 husband but 2 would be good lol Actually I have said before that I need a wife to help me out around here. I have seen big love, but it is much better to be able to ask questions directly.

[Scuff]

Wow! What a mess! Sorry. I know that's not the popular thing to say and who cares what I think about your life. But that just seems like a whole bunch of craziness all mixed up together, all those different relationships!

[Ravin]

Best of luck to all of you!

 

Personally, I couldn't handle a 2nd wife. Far too territorial about EVERYTHING. My husband, my kitchen, my kids. MINE MINE MINE.

 

Now, a 2nd HUSBAND...:D

 

Wolf, however, is just as territorial as I. *sigh* :lol:

 

 

It's not that none of us are territorial. DH has supremacy in the kitchen, because he really likes to cook, and we defer to him in that. DW#2 is not big on the housewifely role. She picks up after herself, takes out the bathroom trash, does mostly her own laundry, and leaves most of the rest of it to me except when her boys are over helping make the mess. We take turns cooking kind of at random, or we eat separately because our schedules don't really mesh that much. I have my desk, she has hers, DH has his, and we leave each other's alone and venture to his computer with caution (she currently plays EQ on his computer because hers doesn't run it as well, and his is the one with a working printer, so I occasionally use it for that, plus he's not here to pre-empt us). Everyone gets their own sheet/blanket/pillow in bed so there's no fighting over the covers. We each have our own closet/drawer space. We play backup in mothering each others' kids, as mentioned above, rather than substitute ever.

 

In short, we negotiate territories and shared space; all three of us have a bit of an introverted streak (me more so than either of them), so we all know how to let someone keep to him/herself when needed.

[Ravin]

Wow! What a mess! Sorry. I know that's not the popular thing to say and who cares what I think about your life. But that just seems like a whole bunch of craziness all mixed up together, all those different relationships!

 

It can be, sometimes. I've thought about starting a blog and calling it "Three-Ring Family Circus". But I'm terrible at keeping up with blogs.

[Night Elf]

I've not seen a lot of these situations work out and I've seen more than I'd like to.

 

Interesting. I've seen more polyamory relationships work out than monogamous relationships. The only couples I've ever known that stayed married all their adults lives was my ex-husband's parents and my maternal grandmother who outlived her first husband.

[Ravin]

Interesting. I've seen more polyamory relationships work out than monogamous relationships. The only couples I've ever known that stayed married all their adults lives was my ex-husband's parents and my maternal grandmother who outlived her first husband.

 

This makes me chuckle. I've sometimes wished I had another to share the wife role. It's hard/impossible to get everything done. But I've experienced too many open marriage/polyamory relationships to know it's usually more complicated than a regular marriage.

I've not seen a lot of these situations work out and I've seen more than I'd like to.

 

A lot of relationships in life don't work out, period. Both my partners and I are children of divorce; DH's parents divorced when he was quite young, mine when I was 20. DW#2's mom is on her 3rd marriage. Both of MY parents are themselves children of divorce, as is DH's dad...we all know relationships don't necessarily last forever, even if we'd like them to.

 

When you have a poly relationship, it gets more complicated. A triad means there are three people and four relationships involved; each pairing plus the three together. In a foursome, you have six pair-bonds plus four internal triad relationships and the four all together interacting. Communication and ground rules, plus trust and flexibility, are all needed, even more so than when there's only one relationship to deal with.

 

As I said in my initial post, without DW#2, the events of the last year would have broken our family unit. I probably would have had to move back to TX to get family support. Our family is definitely better with her than without her.

[jonesloonybin]

deleted.

Edited June 30, 2009 by jonesloonybin
people were offended

[HRAAB]

Wow. Interesting non standard, counter cultural family.

 

The complications of step families, legal battles, child support and the like I "get" and wish you justice and peace.

 

I'm familiar with polyamory situations. I wish all persons involved in intimate relationships health, joy, and a lack of drama. My I ask at what point in your life did you know you'd be open to intimacy outside the cultural norm?

 

Joanne always says everything so nicely. My dd's friend comes from a very similar family situation. In their case, they have been together for at least 15 years. Better than many couples I know. Best wishes.

 

Janet

[Ravin]

Well, if one isn't in the mood for tea and the other two are, there's someone handy to ride herd on the small child and make sure there are no interruptions. Or, one can check email...or watch the others drink their tea. And personally, if I'm tired enough, I can sleep through anything.

 

Also, our sleep schedules tend to be staggered, because we have different work schedules. Tea time lately tends to be after DH gets of work; he has a little time to come home and shower and be with us before he has to get back to the tents. Some nights, that's after I'm at work. Some nights, DW#2 is over at her mom's visiting, or out for coffee with a friend. And some nights we all three drink tea. DW#2 and I don't drink tea together when DH isn't around, though. Things just haven't played out that way in our relationship.

 

Can I just say that I think the whole "tea" as a substitute word thing is incredibly funny?

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

This is just my honest opinion...

I have always felt that polyamory and polygamy leaves too much room for abusive relationships on one hand or hurt feelings/jealousy at the very least. I think that there could be a tendency for abuse in these relationships in that one partner will probably have the power so to speak over the others. As a result, I am against these sort of relationships even though I could be described as a so-called liberal:)

 

I also realize that there are many instances of divorce in our country. However, I cannot help but wonder if many people are not fully prepared for marriage and all that it entails. I think that many potential marriage partners do not voice their expectations of one another and of marriage. I have heard many stories of people who thought their fiance would change after marriage, etc., etc... I also believe that it is easy to love another person, but that does not mean you should necessarily marry them. I think that compatiblity is important as well. I have also heard of many stories where a person "settles" for a marriage partner instead of actually waiting till a compatible person arrives. Lastly, I think that many expect those heady, romantic feelings that occur early on in a relationship to last forever and when these feelings subside there is a tendency to want bail on the part of some. In other words, I think that many people chose not to work at relationships and jump ship once things become more difficult or heady feelings subside. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that divorce is sometimes neccesary as in the case of abuse, etc. I just believe that the rate of divorce could be significantly decreased if people would consider the things above.

 

I am just expressing my honest opinion. I am not saying that any of the above applies to your relationships.

[Impish]

No, when I mean territorial, I MEAN territorial. I don't want another adult woman in my home, living there, rummaging through MY kitchen cupboards, using MY kitchen. And yeah, sharing MY husband...nope, nope, NOPE. Under the heading of, 'No Way In H*ll' I'm afraid.

 

I'm the very boringly faithful monogamous, with a strong streak of, "Touch My Husband And I Keel You Sloooow" type. *sigh* So unfashionable. *hangs head in shame*

[KidsHappen]

Fascinating. I had friends in Germany that lived in a commune and had for years. It was amazing. Very down to earth, peaceful group of people. They practiced homebirth, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, homeschooling and a self sufficent lifestyle. I often wondered if that kind of arrangement would work in America. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Ravin]

This is just my honest opinion...

I have always felt that polyamory and polygamy leaves too much room for abusive relationships on one hand or hurt feelings/jealousy at the very least. I think that there could be a tendency for abuse in these relationships in that one partner will probably have the power so to speak over the others. As a result, I am against these sort of relationships even though I could be described as a so-called liberal:)

 

I also realize that there are many instances of divorce in our country. However, I cannot help but wonder if many people are not fully prepared for marriage and all that it entails. I think that many potential marriage partners do not voice their expectations of one another and of marriage. I have heard many stories of people who thought their fiance would change after marriage, etc., etc... I also believe that it is easy to love another person, but that does not mean you should necessarily marry them. I think that compatiblity is important as well. I have also heard of many stories where a person "settles" for a marriage partner instead of actually waiting till a compatible person arrives. Lastly, I think that many expect those heady, romantic feelings that occur early on in a relationship to last forever and when these feelings subside there is a tendency to want bail on the part of some. In other words, I think that many people chose not to work at relationships and jump ship once things become more difficult or heady feelings subside. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that divorce is sometimes neccesary as in the case of abuse, etc. I just believe that the rate of divorce could be significantly decreased if people would consider the things above.

 

I am just expressing my honest opinion. I am not saying that any of the above applies to your relationships.

 

In the poly community, those heady, romantic feelings are referred to as "NRE" or "New Relationship Energy", and it's widely recognized that it fades and can't be the sole basis for a successful long-term relationship of any kind.

 

It's well documented that polygamy of the kind that many people recognize from the news (the fundamentalist religious kind) lends itself to abuse. This is because there is a secretiveness and insularity to it; these people are part of a community that don't necessarily discuss their own affairs with outsiders and because they have historically been persecuted, they keep to themselves or outright lie and live "in the closet" to protect their relationships. When the expectations of patriarchal family structures are added to this, and the inherent imbalance of power in such a structure, abuse is all too likely to both occur and go unreported.

 

Abuse and hurt feelings can, of course, happen in any relationship. In a polyamorous one, though, there tends to be an attitude of openness--no one in our relationship is dominant over the others, it's egalitarian. We make big decisions by consensus. Communication is vital, and if feelings are hurt, they are also aired and dealt with. Jealousy, as I mentioned above, tends to not be something people drawn to these types of relationships are prone to. If we were, we wouldn't want this kind of relationship. Again, the dynamics are different than in religious polygyny.

 

No, when I mean territorial, I MEAN territorial. I don't want another adult woman in my home, living there, rummaging through MY kitchen cupboards, using MY kitchen. And yeah, sharing MY husband...nope, nope, NOPE. Under the heading of, 'No Way In H*ll' I'm afraid.

 

I'm the very boringly faithful monogamous, with a strong streak of, "Touch My Husband And I Keel You Sloooow" type. *sigh* So unfashionable. *hangs head in shame*

 

No worries, Impish. I wasn't trying to convert you. ;) The kind of family arrangement I have really wouldn't work for everyone. And as I pointed out, when push comes to shove, in our house, it's DH's kitchen. Just sharing it with him sometimes drives me batty.

 

If you look at the statistics, serial monogamy with a dash of infidelity seems to be what's "Fashionable", or at least what's most often done. In that respect, we're both rather unfashionable.

[Cricket]

No, when I mean territorial, I MEAN territorial. I don't want another adult woman in my home, living there, rummaging through MY kitchen cupboards, using MY kitchen. And yeah, sharing MY husband...nope, nope, NOPE. Under the heading of, 'No Way In H*ll' I'm afraid.

 

I'm the very boringly faithful monogamous, with a strong streak of, "Touch My Husband And I Keel You Sloooow" type. *sigh* So unfashionable. *hangs head in shame*

 

Oh, I'm right there with you! Especially with the "touch my husband and I keel you sloooooow!" :lol:

[KidsHappen]

"Touch My Husband And I Keel You Sloooow" type.

 

Are per chance from the south? As far as I know, we are the only people that can pronounce Keel with more than one syllable. :tongue_smilie:

[Sharon in SC]

Are per chance from the south? As far as I know, we are the only people that can pronounce Keel with more than one syllable. :tongue_smilie:

 

One of my favorite lines from Madea, "I'm not going to hurt him, I'm going to keeel him." :lol:

[stripe]

It's well documented that polygamy of the kind that many people recognize from the news (the fundamentalist religious kind) lends itself to abuse. This is because there is a secretiveness and insularity to it; ...Again, the dynamics are different than in religious polygyny.

 

Snort. Always important to distinguish oneself for one's openminded-ness while making sweeping generalizations about others!

 

There are plenty of openly polygamous religious people in the world who are not secretive about it at all. And many/most of them have separate households so there is no "sharing" of physical space.

 

I will withhold further comment as I find this thread silly.

[specialmama]

 

I will withhold further comment as I find this thread silly.

 

Thank you for withholding further comment, but the damage is done. I do not agree with polygamy either, but that does not mean you need to insult the woman. Calling this thread silly, is to say that her lifestyle (her life) is silly. Different, yes. Wrong, depends on your beliefs. But let's show some respect here. She's a human with feelings for pity sake.

[Ravin]

Snort. Always important to distinguish oneself for one's openminded-ness while making sweeping generalizations about others!

 

There are plenty of openly polygamous religious people in the world who are not secretive about it at all. And many/most of them have separate households so there is no "sharing" of physical space.

 

I will withhold further comment as I find this thread silly.

 

I wasn't making sweeping generalizations; I was responding to concern raised in a previous post. I made reference to the type of fundamentalist religious polygyny found in the United States that people have seen in the news, said they may be more prone to abuse, and tossed out some theories as to why; it doesn't logically follow that they are universally abusive, nor does it have anything to do with polygamy in any culture where it's considered a normalized alternative, such as under Islamic law and in large parts of Africa.

 

I have a bachelor's degree in anthropology and have studied different type of families around the world with considerable interest; for that matter I'm also religious, but my religion neither forbids nor requires a particular type of marriage. I find the different ways humans live together in families and communities utterly fascinating, and discussing it engaging. It's beyond me why you find my family story and the rather lively discussion that's followed silly.

[i.love.lucy]

All I keep thinking is that is sounds like a pretty good deal for the man of the house. There's always a wife around to have "tea" with, cook and clean, care for the kids, etc.

[kiana]

All I keep thinking is that is sounds like a pretty good deal for the man of the house. There's always a wife around to have "tea" with, cook and clean, care for the kids, etc.

 

Yes, but as long as we're being stereotypical, he also gets twice the PMS and twice the nagging ;)

[ciyates]

 

Can I just say that I think the whole "tea" as a substitute word thing is incredibly funny?

 

For some reason (I am really not sure why) in our house it is referred to as canning peaches. I have never thought about it and must ask the DH why that is?:D

[lionfamily1999]

Interesting. I've seen more polyamory relationships work out than monogamous relationships. The only couples I've ever known that stayed married all their adults lives was my ex-husband's parents and my maternal grandmother who outlived her first husband.

The monogamous relationships I've seen end, tended to be because they stopped being monogamous.

 

 

 

Interesting lifestyle choice, I couldn't do it ;), but then, there's LOTS of things I couldn't do.

 

 

(We call tea, happy happy fun time, or Mom and Dad making the bed.)

[Tammy]

I just want you to know.....the moderators know who you are..... I mean come on....if you don't like the topic....move on....

 

.

[kiana]

I just want you to know.....the moderators know who you are..... I mean come on....if you don't like the topic....move on....

 

.

 

:iagree:

 

I was wondering if I was the only one who thought they were incredibly rude and offensive.

[4kiddies]

What are tags and how do you view them?

 

ETA: Nevermind, I found them.

Edited June 30, 2009 by 4kiddies

[pqr]

:iagree:

 

I was wondering if I was the only one who thought they were incredibly rude and offensive.

 

I generally do not place tags, but I do not see how those that others placed are "incredibly rude and offensive"

 

Look at what has been attached.

 

Alternative lifestyles ---- Certainly accurate

tmi or extremely tmi ---- For a Classical eduication board I can cetrainly see the point of these posters

Debasement ---- We are talking about sharing a husband here. For those who believe in traditional marriage this certainly debases the concept of marriage

Skanky ----- See debasement.

 

I see a few more tags have been added.

 

Sinful Lifestyle ---- Not hard to see where this comes from.

3 for tea ----- Well, isn't that the topic?

 

No tagger has made personal attacks on the individual and at worst they have been blunt in their opinions. Ravin is willing to talk about this, but it is a lifestyle that many would find disgusting. If people are looking for a love fest (no pun intended) then do not discuss it on an open forum where many will strenuously disagree with the choice being made.

Edited June 30, 2009 by pqr

[Nakia]

I just have to say that some of the questions and answers on this thread are inappropriate for a public forum. I cannot believe you all are discussing the dynamics of someone's bedroom. Wow, just wow.

 

Yes, I opened the thread. Yes, I didn't have to. I had no idea what it was about. But once I did, it was done and nothing I could do about it, so please don't rip into me and say "you don't have to read it." I wouldn't think I would have to worry about reading this kind of stuff here. And for the record, I wouldn't want to know so much about anyone's bedroom activities, other than my own.

Edited June 30, 2009 by Nakia

[kiana]

I generally do not place tags, but I do not see how those that others placed are "incredibly rude and offensive"

 

Look at what has been attached.

 

Alternative lifestyles ---- Certainly accurate

tmi or extremely tmi ---- For a Classical eduication board I can cetrainly see the point of these posters

Debasement ---- We are talking about sharing a husband here. For those who believe in traditional marriage this certainly debases the concept of marriage

Skanky ----- See debasement.

 

No tagger has made personal attacks on the individual and at worst they have been blunt in their opinions. Ravin is willing to talk about this, but it is a lifestyle that many would find disgusting. If people are looking for a love fest (no pun intended) then do not discuss it on an open forum where many will strenuously disagree with the choice being made.

 

So because someone does something which YOU find immoral but many religions or other countries would take as a matter of course, it's fair game to call it debased, skanky, and sinful? It's perfectly acceptable?

 

I didn't realise this board was reserved for North American and Christian standards of morality.

[stripe]

Thank you for withholding further comment, but the damage is done. I do not agree with polygamy either, but that does not mean you need to insult the woman. Calling this thread silly, is to say that her lifestyle (her life) is silly. Different, yes. Wrong, depends on your beliefs. But let's show some respect here. She's a human with feelings for pity sake.

I said I find the thread silly. I didn't say what I feel about her relationship, did I? I didn't say what I think about her, did I? I didn't offer my opinion on polygamy or any other related topic. I merely pointed out that she insulted others who engage in it. (And I hardly think that calling someone "silly" would be dehumanizing her or giving her a death blow of insults, even if I had called her silly. Which I did not.) I snorted that she attempted to justify her behavior by insulting another group.

 

I think it's silly (or perhaps ODD) that people are discussing in detail someone's sex life on a homeschooling board, and that people think it's acceptable to ask what she does while the other woman and her husband are intimate. That's what I think is silly, because it should be private, and getting into this seems voyeuristic.

Edited June 30, 2009 by stripe

[mommaduck]

I just have to say that some of the questions and answers on this thread are inappropriate for a public forum. I cannot believe you all are discussing the dynamics of someone's bedroom. Wow, just wow.

 

Yes, I opened the thread. Yes, I didn't have to. I had no idea what it was about. But once I did, it was done and nothing I could do about it, so please don't rip into me and say "you don't have to read it." I wouldn't think I would have to worry about reading this kind of stuff here. And for the record, I wouldn't want to know so much about anyone's bedroom activities, other than my own.

 

 

Agreed...When I opened the thread, I wasn't expecting THIS. On the board TEA has been discussed only in general terms and typically to answer a general question or issue, but never in such a manner as this where, as a tag states, it's just TMI. TMI is an appropriate tag...and should possibly be included in the title.

 

Historically, polygamy has been a totally different ball of wax than this situation and I don't even see where the two compare, honestly. But that's another topic altogether.

Edited June 30, 2009 by mommaduck

[pqr]

So because someone does something which YOU find immoral but many religions or other countries would take as a matter of course, it's fair game to call it debased, skanky, and sinful? It's perfectly acceptable?

 

I didn't realise this board was reserved for North American and Christian standards of morality.

 

 

Read what I said.

 

I stated that "For those who believe in traditional marriage this certainly debases the concept of marriage." Am I wrong in this?

 

Are you suggesting that this board now not allow open discussion? How would you suggest that someone who believes in traditional families describe what is being discussed. It always struck me as odd that those who are so determined to accept alternative lifestyles are equally determined to silence those who do not.

 

Is this discussion strictly reserved for those who do not adhere to "North American and Christian standards of morality"

[mommaduck]

So because someone does something which YOU find immoral but many religions or other countries would take as a matter of course, it's fair game to call it debased, skanky, and sinful? It's perfectly acceptable?

 

I didn't realise this board was reserved for North American and Christian standards of morality.

 

I've seen polygamy in various cultures and faiths...but not this.

[stripe]

It always struck me as odd that those who are so determined to accept alternative lifestyles are equally determined to silence those who do not.

And this is exactly my point. She is the one who attempted to compare her lifestyle to religious polygyny, and then suggested they are prone to abuse, etc.

[kiana]

Read what I said.

 

I stated that "For those who believe in traditional marriage this certainly debases the concept of marriage." Am I wrong in this?

 

Are you suggesting that this board now not allow open discussion? How would you suggest that someone who believes in traditional families describe what is being discussed. It always struck me as odd that those who are so determined to accept alternative lifestyles are equally determined to silence those who do not.

 

Is this discussion strictly reserved for those who do not adhere to "North American and Christian standards of morality"

 

I refer you to the board rules.

 

"Answer questions that are posted but don't use these questions as an excuse to springboard into criticism. For example: If someone asks, "What are your kids dressing up as for Halloween?" don't launch into an explanation of how evil Halloween is. If someone asks, "Is Halloween evil?" have a ball. "

 

The original post was not "Is my lifestyle sinful, skanky, and debased?", but rather "For those who have asked before, this is my lifestyle. It is unconventional."

[specialmama]

I said I find the thread silly. I didn't say what I feel about her relationship, did I? I didn't offer my opinion on polygamy or any other related topic. I merely pointed out that she insulted others who engage in it.

 

I think it's silly (or perhaps ODD) that people are discussing in detail someone's sex life on a homeschooling board, and that people think it's acceptable to ask what she does while the other woman and her husband are intimate. That's what I think is silly, because it should be private, and getting into this seems voyeuristic.

 

Yes, you did say the thread was silly, but the thread deals with her life. Your original remark did seem quite harsh and could be hurtful. I do agree with everything you've said, this stuff should be private and not here on a homeschool board. I was simply concerned that she'd feel hurt by your tone and the "silly" reference.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I refer you to the board rules.

 

"Answer questions that are posted but don't use these questions as an excuse to springboard into criticism. For example: If someone asks, "What are your kids dressing up as for Halloween?" don't launch into an explanation of how evil Halloween is. If someone asks, "Is Halloween evil?" have a ball. "

 

The original post was not "Is my lifestyle sinful, skanky, and debased?", but rather "For those who have asked before, this is my lifestyle. It is unconventional."

 

Thank you.

[Mom In Missouri]

I'll admit. I'm a newbie to posting here, but I've lurked for 18 months or so. So you'll pardon my ignorance and sarcasm...

 

What does any of this thread, from beginning to end have to do with home education? And what is it doing on a home education board? :bored:

 

Going back to my bubble...please resume your regularly scheduled posting.

[PineFarmMom]

I'm the very boringly faithful monogamous, with a strong streak of, "Touch My Husband And I Keel You Sloooow" type. *sigh* So unfashionable. *hangs head in shame*

 

???? Why would you hang your head in shame over that????? Nothing unfashionable about it. It's awesome! :)

[pqr]

I refer you to the board rules.

 

"Answer questions that are posted but don't use these questions as an excuse to springboard into criticism. For example: If someone asks, "What are your kids dressing up as for Halloween?" don't launch into an explanation of how evil Halloween is. If someone asks, "Is Halloween evil?" have a ball. "

 

The original post was not "Is my lifestyle sinful, skanky, and debased?", but rather "For those who have asked before, this is my lifestyle. It is unconventional."

 

 

Oh come off it... You posted "I was wondering if I was the only one who thought they were incredibly rude and offensive" and I explained how I did not find them "incredibly rude and offensive." At no point did I give my personal opinion of the posters lifestyle, I could, but that might fall into the "Is Halloween evil" question.