Help me not let this bitterness take root

[battlemaiden]

I'm burned out. I need a break. I'm bone tired. You know, all the normal homeschool mom stuff. :D I can't take a full break this summer because of the time we took off during the Moving/pregnancy/new-baby/deployment trials. Fine. I'm at least settled in a house. Now I seriously need a sabbatical. A weekend away to pray, and read, and refresh. Some moms don't need this, and I don't need it routinely, but I need a time without voices.

 

Anyway, my dh is deploying again in July- only two months this time. I'm scared. I'm just not emotionally ready, I would get by just fine, but I wouldn't be the mom my kids deserve.

 

The kicker:

 

My MIL is coming in a couple of weeks and because she is a difficult house guest- in a sweeter than honey, overwhelm you with conversation, not notice you have a small house with lots of kids, ready to be hosted and served (even though she says she is there to help), kind of way:tongue_smilie:- my husband has taken three week days off to make a long weekend. Yippee. The problem is, he is not likely to get any more time off before deployment.

 

Question: Would it be weird beyond social norms to take a night away while my MIL is here? My MIL is all about social norms.

 

I'm starting to get a little panicky. And bitter, I'm getting that too.

 

I'm also mostly venting, and not expecting an answer from this post. I'm just throwing it out there.

 

:bigear:

 

Jo

[Pretty in Pink]

You mean ask MIL to keep the kiddos overnight so you and dh can get away? Go for it! There is no shame in needing a break. We all do at one point or another. :grouphug:

[secular_mom]

 

Question: Would it be weird beyond social norms to take a night away while my MIL is here? My MIL is all about social norms.

 

I'm starting to get a little panicky. And bitter, I'm getting that too.

 

I'm also mostly venting, and not expecting an answer from this post. I'm just throwing it out there.

 

:bigear:

 

Jo

 

I think it is completely normal to take a night away before your husband deploys, especially considering all the stressors you've had lately.

[lionfamily1999]

Mil volunteers to help, let her help. Get some hunny time in before dh goes away. Mil should understand, and if she doesn't... ah well. Who's more important? Mil or dh? Which relationship is more important? You and Mil, you and dh?

 

Get your r&r, or hunny :) before dh leaves.

[Unicorn.]

A very good friend of mine (a mom of 3) told me after my first was born, that any mother who didn't admit to needing a break now and then were the scary ones. They're the ones that end up snapping someday. I'm just sayin. GO! No guilt. You deserve it. Heck, if you think you can get away w/ it- make it 2 nights! :0)

[Chris in VA]

Yknow what? I'd do both--I'd take a day by myself, and then take the next day just with my hubby, and ask my mil to watch the kids both days.

I can do this with my mil, but I don't know if you can with yours. If I looked mine in the eye and said I need a break, can you give me this gift of time? she'd say yes in a heart beat. Can you do that?

[battlemaiden]

Yknow what? I'd do both--I'd take a day by myself, and then take the next day just with my hubby, and ask my mil to watch the kids both days.

I can do this with my mil, but I don't know if you can with yours. If I looked mine in the eye and said I need a break, can you give me this gift of time? she'd say yes in a heart beat. Can you do that?

 

:lol: Um. I'm apparently a crappy wife, because it never occured with me to go away with my husband. :lol: I was imagining a voice-free night or two away and leaving my MIL home with my dh. He's the perfect son anyway. Anything wrong with him as an adult is my influence.

 

As for my MIL taking care of the kids? She. could. never. do. it. She lives a nearly monastic life alone, with perfectly control. Seven kids 13 and under would break her. :D She offers to help, but really she can't keep up with the needs of many children.

[amyco]

I knew you meant time for you, not with your hubby. ;) I'm the same way, and I would go for sure. The thing is, if she is there but not really helping, seems like it's mostly up to your husband if he's okay with it. I wouldn't worry about her ideas of social norms...one or two nights away before spending two months alone with your children is a bargain, imho.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Sounds to me like going away by yourself might be not only a good idea but healthy for yourself and family during this deployment. If your husband would go for it, who cares what MIL thinks! :) Great idea

[lionfamily1999]

:lol: Um. I'm apparently a crappy wife, because it never occured with me to go away with my husband. :lol: I was imagining a voice-free night or two away and leaving my MIL home with my dh. He's the perfect son anyway. Anything wrong with him as an adult is my influence.

 

As for my MIL taking care of the kids? She. could. never. do. it. She lives a nearly monastic life alone, with perfectly control. Seven kids 13 and under would break her. :D She offers to help, but really she can't keep up with the needs of many children.

:lol:

 

OMG and we all assumed didn't we?

[Brigitte]

:lol: Um. I'm apparently a crappy wife, because it never occured with me to go away with my husband. :lol: I was imagining a voice-free night or two away and leaving my MIL home with my dh. He's the perfect son anyway. Anything wrong with him as an adult is my influence.

 

As for my MIL taking care of the kids? She. could. never. do. it. She lives a nearly monastic life alone, with perfectly control. Seven kids 13 and under would break her. :D She offers to help, but really she can't keep up with the needs of many children.

 

:smilielol5: I am only laughing because I also assumed you wanted the night away with your dh, but I seriously would be the one taking the night alone and leaving my dh with mil. So, there are at least two of us crappy wives out there. By all means, take two nights for crying out loud. I bet your dh would understand and know that his family would be much better off in the long run. GO and don't let the door hit you in the booty on the way out. :D

[ciyates]

As a military wife life is tough. As a mom life is tough. Now through in homeschooling to the mix. I know how hard it is to get read for deployment. Let you husband enjoy his time with his kids and mother and you check in to a hotel, sleep, read,etc... Remind them not to call unless the bleeding cannot be stopped or something major is on fire. Your MIL may not think it is okay but your kids will appreciate the sane mom more than the approving grandma. Don't be afraid to reach out to the fellow military wives for support. They were my source of comfort and sanity for a long time. :)

[WyoSylvia]

I say "go" too. I cannot imagine a MIL, who has a son about to be deployed, who wouldn't want to help her DIL get ready for all that. If she isn't that kind of MIL, I think you should still do it and rely on hubby. As far as social norms, trying to get relaxed before having to take on all the parenting duties by yourself sounds like a very normal thing to do. You sound smarter than me.

[Impish]

...and talk about shattering social norms.

Go away the night before the day she's to leave. :D That way, you miss her 'good bye' party, and any nattering/shaming/social 'moring' she may want to toss your way :lol:

 

Its a thought ;)

 

Seriously, go, woman, GO! Run! You need this. I have to admit, I'd be hauling dh with me, even if it meant MIL was a puddle in a closet when I got back, but I've been known to have a bit of a nasty streak :D OK, no I wouldn't, cause I wouldn't risk the kids safety. But ya know what I mean.

 

Have fun!

[OHGrandma]

I think you are a wonderful DIL to bless your MIL with a precious day or two to spend with your husband before he is deployed! If he can handle the kids & mom, then go for it!

 

p.s., my MIL couldn't handle our two. She had 6, but her MIL helped a WHOLE lot.

Edited June 11, 2009 by OHGrandma
added ps

[Julie in CA]

Regardless of what she thinks about you, would MIL be secretly relieved to have her ds and grandchildren all to herself? I'd do it.

[Mrs.MacGyver]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I know how you feel. Except my problem is MY mom! I say GO! We are 8 months into deployment...I don't even get to be alone in the bathroom...so, yes, go!

[Marie in Oh]

As long as Dh is ok, I would say go. He is fine with the kids alone, so adding his mother into the mix shouldn't be too bad. I have the same dynamics with both mothers so I understand. Don't apologize about needing it. Just do it. You will be glad you did in the long run and so will the kids. I can't believe he's going AGAIN. There is only so much a good mommy can take. Go find a quiet place on the beach, or on a hill, or somewhere and drink coffee, read, soak in a tub, and eat good food. Can I come. Oh, ya, this is about solitude. Sorry. ;) :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Do it. Leave for a night by yourself if you want. You have our permission, who cares about MIL's? Besides, my mom is the biggest socialite/everything must be just right because people are watching type person there is, and we left her on a visit to watch the kids while we stayed in a hotel.

[teamturner]

I understood you to mean by yourself btw and I raise you one......a spa weekend is in order!! Seriously you need at least a day of pampering-massage, pedicure, facial, whatever. This is not something I've ever done myself but I do dream of it. My dh did get me a couple of spa treatments (pedicure and massage) for Valentine's Day (which is completely out of his character) and I'm finally going this weekend. Even if you can only do a few hours of pampering, I say go for it!! You need a break either way and I hope it works out for you!

[Halftime Hope]

If this would be refreshing for you, what about going away for some time alone, then having him join you once he gets the kids bedded down for the night on the second night you're away, then you two planned to be back late the following morning or something.

 

Surely if she can't take the kids by herself, she'd understand how *you* might welcome some down time, away from it all?!?

 

You have a couple of older kids, too, right? I'd get them in on the act and ask them to help MIL out. She's there to keep everything legal, but they can pitch in and pull their weight. You might want to lead up to this by having your hubby plan a special treat alone with each of the kids before he deploys, so they each get some "alone time" with dad.

 

God bless you, Jo. You guys rock!

[Denise in IN]

As long as Dh is ok, I would say go. He is fine with the kids alone, so adding his mother into the mix shouldn't be too bad... Don't apologize about needing it. Just do it. You will be glad you did in the long run and so will the kids.

 

What she said! If your Dh is okay with it, then he can present the situation in a positive light to his mother.

 

I'm praying for you today. May the Lord give you rest in your mind and heart that goes beyond your abilities and circumstances. :grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

You know what? I'd let it be like MIL and you having a secret that son and you get a night away:-) That way, she gets in on "the secret" and you get in some time! Plan something fun for the kids and her:-) (Even if you want them to stay at home) and something fun for you and your husband....massages...or whatever....and a nice dinner... That way...your MIL gets to feel like she's giving her son a gift...and you're not trying to run away from her:-)

Carrie

[sassenach]

Go! If MIL is that difficult to begin with, why worry about what she thinks? Just go.

[Impish]

I just had this thought.

 

Like your MIL, mine also seems to think that my dh was perfect, as was their relationship, until I came along to corrupt both. She always seems happiest if I'm not around, something I try my best to indulge her in, ;) but my dh won't allow me to get away with much. I wonder what 48 hours of the two of them alone with the kids will have her thinking? :Angel_anim: Just one of those innocent thoughts that run through my brain.

[battlemaiden]

You will be glad you did in the long run and so will the kids. I can't believe he's going AGAIN. There is only so much a good mommy can take.

 

Hey Marie, I've missed "seeing" you. If you could get away, I would adapt. :D

 

I feel a little silly calling it a deployment. It is really only 2 months. Not bad. I'm just not quite recovered from the last bigger one.

 

Drew will send me away in a heartbeat. He can handle it all (in short intervals). It is usually at this time, when I start looking like a wet noodle, that he smacks his forehead and says, "we should have done this sooner." Good man.

 

I like the idea of my dh making it a special time with his mom. She likes to feel special.

 

This may work.

 

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.

 

Jo

[jujsky]

If she claims to be there to "help," let her help. Take a night away for you and your hubby. You deserve it! Whenever my mom visits, DH and I have a date-night. My mom actually DOES help when she's here though, doesn't expect to be served, and encourages us to go out. It wouldn't hurt to ask your MIL if she'd mind. Tell it to her like it is -- you're overwhelmed, really need a break to recharge your batteries, and hope that while she's there she'll be willing to take the kids for the night. Better yet, have your DH ask her since it's his mom. He can tell her that he really wants the two of you to have some alone-time before he deploys, and that you've been working so hard with the kids that he wants to whisk you away for a much-deserved break. Would she really say no?

[mom4him]

:lol: Um. I'm apparently a crappy wife, because it never occured with me to go away with my husband. :lol: I was imagining a voice-free night or two away and leaving my MIL home with my dh. He's the perfect son anyway. Anything wrong with him as an adult is my influence.

 

As for my MIL taking care of the kids? She. could. never. do. it. She lives a nearly monastic life alone, with perfectly control. Seven kids 13 and under would break her. :D She offers to help, but really she can't keep up with the needs of many children.

I thought that was what you were talking about and I totally understand.

Yes, talk to you dh and if he is in agreement just do it.

I would love to be able to do something like this but it isn't an option in our home. I say you ask and then make plans to do it.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

GO, GO, GO!!! If you didn't, I would seriously be tempted to come up there and kick you in the bahookey. And, that is not even a word.

[Jill- OK]

As a military wife life is tough. As a mom life is tough. Now through in homeschooling to the mix. I know how hard it is to get read for deployment. Let you husband enjoy his time with his kids and mother and you check in to a hotel, sleep, read,etc... Remind them not to call unless the bleeding cannot be stopped or something major is on fire. Your MIL may not think it is okay but your kids will appreciate the sane mom more than the approving grandma.

 

Tell your husband you need the time, and don't give a second thought to what your MIL will think.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

You surely don't need to apologize for needing some time off. Try to get this to work out.

 

If it doesn't, see if you can farm some kids out for a sleepover and get a sitter for the littles and at least get yourself a nice long evening away. Go see a play or hang out in Borders or get a couple friends together for a girls night.

 

I'm thinking of taking a couple days off to plan for next year. This is a perfectly legitimate request.

[battlemaiden]

You surely don't need to apologize for needing some time off. Try to get this to work out.

 

If it doesn't, see if you can farm some kids out for a sleepover and get a sitter for the littles and at least get yourself a nice long evening away. Go see a play or hang out in Borders or get a couple friends together for a girls night.

 

I'm thinking of taking a couple days off to plan for next year. This is a perfectly legitimate request.

 

First of all...Kanichiwa!

 

Secondly....Borders doesn't have enough chairs and I spend too much.

 

Third...I am almost certain to go at this point. Of the decisions I need to make, I primarily need to decide how I view this get away?

 

I need to rest.

 

I need to pray, read my Bible, and be quiet.

 

I need to read my Age of Opportunity book because...well, because I have a teenager.:D

 

I need to read the new WTM and get my act together for the rest of this summer and the fall. In other words, I need a planning weekend.

 

It would be easy to say "REST!" But I have a tendancy to get distracted when I have looming projects.

 

Decisions.

[Chris in VA]

Good for you! (fwiw, I DID think it was all about you and not you and hubby at first! lol)

 

I find I can focus much better on the stuff that needs to be done if I go to the Lord first and get some rest. I have to give myself permission to do that, so it doesn't feel like I'm leaving something undone or hiding out like I do when I'm depressed.

 

So, I'd go spend some time with Jesus and just ask him to help you be still inside. Sometimes it takes a bit of venting first, but then I end up with no words left, in the quiet place he makes for me. Then I can better listen as he "whispers in my ear when to turn left and when to turn right."

 

And

have fun!

[Crissy]

Seven kids 13 and under

 

 

Seven?!

All this time I was stuck on five. "Jo, wife of a service man, mother of five."

 

Take some time by yourself, dear.

I can't imagine five voices all day long. Seven would surely do me in. :lol:

[Elaine]

Chiming in to say, GO!:001_smile: And, could you take me with you?

 

I can relate to all that you posted. After a year of upheaval, disaster, stress and stress, I am feeling that bitterness, too. Sometimes my inner 6 year old just wants to stomp my feet, pound my fists in the air and cry, "What about meeeeeee?"

 

So go for me. Go and fill yourself up. Be blessed.:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm glad that you are going. Have a wonderful time.

 

And Jo, be careful, your MIL might like this special time with just your dh and dc so much that she'll want you to go off by yourself every times she visits!:D

[Liz CA]

Good for you! I could so relate to your post about "needing to be without voices".

Everything will be fine. They will all survive and have ice cream for dinner - that is what happens here when I'm gone. :lol:

[keptwoman]

I totally get the "no voices" thing and I only have 3 kids!

My idea of heaven is a beach house ALONE in mild weather with good books, good chocolate and good wine.

 

Good on you for going! Have a lovely relaxing time :)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

First of all...Kanichiwa!

 

Secondly....Borders doesn't have enough chairs and I spend too much.

 

Third...I am almost certain to go at this point. Of the decisions I need to make, I primarily need to decide how I view this get away?

 

I need to rest.

 

I need to pray, read my Bible, and be quiet.

 

I need to read my Age of Opportunity book because...well, because I have a teenager.:D

 

I need to read the new WTM and get my act together for the rest of this summer and the fall. In other words, I need a planning weekend.

 

It would be easy to say "REST!" But I have a tendancy to get distracted when I have looming projects.

 

Decisions.

 

Shaka, Sis.

 

I've heard there are great deals on hotel rooms in Hawaii these days. The Embassy Suites near the Hale Koa has a lovely breakfast and is close enough to the Hale Koa to walk over and use their pool and beach. I bet you'll have a great time and have some good relaxation and thinking.

 

Don't forget to ask folks to pray for a restful and fruitful planning day for you (and calmness at home).

 

Man I miss that Hawaii weather. Seems like every other day right now is driving rain.

[Julie in Monterey]

Just a little last bit of encouragement for taking that time to rest, recharge, read and relax. I do this every year....leaving before everyone wakes, heading down the coast to a favorite cozy small one room cabin. I spend one night and get back after everyone is asleep on the second day.

 

I find that I always take a stack of books (just like you trying to knock out some planning, organizing). I sleep a lot! Read a lot! Try to eat really healthy, try to get outdoors and write in a journal.

 

When I arrive back home, I feel like a new woman! That's why DH always says...GO!

 

On a different note, my MIL loves alone time with the kids and my dh. She feels like the alpha female. Definately put that spin on the time that MIL is there to spend alone with her son. Who knows, it could become a tradition for the two of them (and you to get away).

 

Hugs to you for asking for what you need! More of us need to do that!

 

Enjoy and try to stay guilt free!

 

Julie in Monterey

[TXMomof4]

The kicker:

 

My MIL is coming in a couple of weeks and because she is a difficult house guest- in a sweeter than honey, overwhelm you with conversation, not notice you have a small house with lots of kids, ready to be hosted and served (even though she says she is there to help), kind of way:tongue_smilie:- my husband has taken three week days off to make a long weekend. Yippee. The problem is, he is not likely to get any more time off before deployment.

 

Question: Would it be weird beyond social norms to take a night away while my MIL is here? My MIL is all about social norms.

 

I'm starting to get a little panicky. And bitter, I'm getting that too.

 

I'm also mostly venting, and not expecting an answer from this post. I'm just throwing it out there.

 

:bigear:

 

Jo

 

I would be out of there in a heartbeat - and my MIL is the same way. She is coming to *help* and the help you need is a break. If you and dh want to get away, she can help with that. If you want time alone, she and dh can have some special time together. Really, you're in a position that requires more from the family than platitudes and sympathy. Don't ask her if she'd mind - inform her of what you really need and do it. She'll be leaving soon after that and you don't have to worry about seeing her again for a while - she'll ahve time to get over hurt feelings or whatever.