Getting my daughter to wear her jacket.

[Scottish Leanne]

I am new to this forum and my first post is about my 8yr old daughter and her refusal to wear a jacket, now some may think that is not an issue worth worrying about, but the difference for me is, Bethany is also asthmatic so I worry about her being out without a jacket, especially as she only goes around in only a T-shirt, she will not wear jumpers and tbh, I don't mind that.

 

I do not pick her up from school, my oldest daughter does that as she is nearer the school so she tells me that when it's raining or cold, she has to bribe Bethany into putting on AND fastening up her jacket and at school, the teacher will not allow her out until she wears and fully fastens up the jacket too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like you have it covered if your older daughter and teacher require her to put on the jacket.  I'm not quite sure what you want?  You will just have to keep being consistent in requiring her to wear it. 

[Scottish Leanne]

It's more when she is off at guides camps, they get to stay up slightly later than normal due to them singing songs around the camp fire so by that time of night, temperatures drop.

 

She leaves her tent with the jacket still in her backpack and the leaders don't want the responsibility of asking her every night to go and get her jacket but after about 10 minutes of being without the jacket, she starts complaining that she's cold.

[Katy]

I think you need to ask why she refuses to wear it.  Is she hot?  Is she too busy & distracted to bother?  Is it uncomfortable or itchy?

 

From that you can tell whether it's just a matter of finding a different coat, simply insisting until it becomes a habit, or possibly giving her some sort of consequences.

[Scottish Leanne]

Maybe for the next camp she can have a check list to look at before leaving the room? Or jacket placed by door/on doorknob?

 

Yeah, I think that is possibly what I will do or can I get a friend to remind her to take jacket with her to the camp fire area instead of leaving it in her tent?

[shawthorne44]

...

She leaves her tent with the jacket still in her backpack and the leaders don't want the responsibility of asking her every night to go and get her jacket but after about 10 minutes of being without the jacket, she starts complaining that she's cold.

 

What does she expect to happen when she complains?   

 

Seems to me that if she isn't old enough to wear her coat, or at least take it with her, then she isn't old enough to go to camp.  

[Scottish Leanne]

What does she expect to happen when she complains?

 

Seems to me that if she isn't old enough to wear her coat, or at least take it with her, then she isn't old enough to go to camp.

Probably sympathy if I know my daughter well enough.

Regarding your second point, I have thought about that too but feel it's unfair on her to miss out on these camps/outings.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Scottish Leanne

[Jean in Newcastle]

Probably sympathy if I know my daughter well enough.

 

Instruct the Girl Guide leaders to talk her through problem solving.  "Oh you're cold?  What do you need to do to fix that?"  "What could you do next time to keep this from happening?"  "We're going to be going to the campfire.  It's nice out now but you know that it gets chilly.  What do we all need to bring with us?"  I am part of a camp staff (not Girl Guides) and we expect this to be part of our job as staff. 

[wintermom]

It's more when she is off at guides camps, they get to stay up slightly later than normal due to them singing songs around the camp fire so by that time of night, temperatures drop.

 

She leaves her tent with the jacket still in her backpack and the leaders don't want the responsibility of asking her every night to go and get her jacket but after about 10 minutes of being without the jacket, she starts complaining that she's cold.

 

While she is still young, you may have to stay at the camp as a chaperone and be responsible for your child wearing proper clothing. It can be dangerous to dress improperly for the weather when out in the open. The safety of the group depends on the safety of each individual, and if one person gets hypothermia and requires medical attention, the whole group is effected. 

Edited March 21, 2018 by wintermom

[Scottish Leanne]

In reply to heartlikealion and onelittlemonkey, yes she can do up her own jacket but is lazy and wants it done for her and, yes she likes the design and jacket as she chose it herself plus its red, her favourite colour plus, her own words, it is a nice cosy and comfortable jacket.

 

I'm reply to onelittlemonkey who suggested layers, I've tried that but she won't wear jumpers, it's a struggle getting her to wear her guide jumper.

 

And finally, in reply to Jean, I have asked the leaders to do that but they won't do it as they think she is old enough and responsible enough to not need told but I've argued that they are wrong which is getting proven each camp trip my daughter goes on.

[Scottish Leanne]

While she is still young, you may have to stay at the camp as a chaperone and be responsible for your child wearing proper clothing. It can be dangerous to dress improperly for the weather when out in the open. The safety of the group depends on the safety of each individual, and if one person gets hypothermia and requires medical attention, the whole group is effected.

Yeah, I was thinking of either me or my oldest becoming a volunteer of the guide group she attends but then my youngest may feel uncomfortable with her mum or sister being there keeping an eye on her.

[hornblower]

I'd stop sending her on overnight camp trips and wait for her to become more mature & independent before trying again.  She's still a very young child. 

[wendyroo]

And finally, in reply to Jean, I have asked the leaders to do that but they won't do it as they think she is old enough and responsible enough to not need told but I've argued that they are wrong which is getting proven each camp trip my daughter goes on.

 

Could you get a note from her doctor detailing the importance of her wearing a jacket?  Maybe that would hold sway with the leaders, and convince them to help her remember.

 

One of my sons has asthma, and his allergist's office is always asking if we need notes telling the school to excuse DS from gym or keep him inside for recess on very cold days, etc.

 

Wendy

[Scottish Leanne]

Could you get a note from her doctor detailing the importance of her wearing a jacket? Maybe that would hold sway with the leaders, and convince them to help her remember.

 

One of my sons has asthma, and his allergist's office is always asking if we need notes telling the school to excuse DS from gym or keep him inside for recess on very cold days, etc.

 

Wendy

Yeah, that is an option so thank you :). Due to the fact she's asthmatic, I also like it done up, especially if she is up late and around the camp fire.

[Guinevere]

I'd give my NT child that age some ultimatums.

 

1. Wear your jacket, or don't go to camp.

2. Wear your jacket without complaint when sister picks you up, or you wear a sweater to school.

3. If you truly need help, fine, but no more giving sister trouble. And, if you want to go to camp and truly can't remember, then mom or sister goes.

 

Basically, I'd tell her this was non negotiable. If she cant, then she has to accept help, and humbly. The ball is in her court at that point.

[Frances]

In reply to heartlikealion and onelittlemonkey, yes she can do up her own jacket but is lazy and wants it done for her and, yes she likes the design and jacket as she chose it herself plus its red, her favourite colour plus, her own words, it is a nice cosy and comfortable jacket.

 

I'm reply to onelittlemonkey who suggested layers, I've tried that but she won't wear jumpers, it's a struggle getting her to wear her guide jumper.

 

And finally, in reply to Jean, I have asked the leaders to do that but they won't do it as they think she is old enough and responsible enough to not need told but I've argued that they are wrong which is getting proven each camp trip my daughter goes on.

It sounds to me like she doesn’t understand that being responsible about wearing her jacket is part of the privilege of going to camp. Maybe it needs to be made more clear to her that either she takes on that responsibility and enjoys the fun of the camps or waits until she is older and more responsible to get to go to camp. Or at a minimum accepts her mom or older sister being there to take on the responsibility.

[wintermom]

Yeah, I was thinking of either me or my oldest becoming a volunteer of the guide group she attends but then my youngest may feel uncomfortable with her mum or sister being there keeping an eye on her.

 

It's one way to teach consequences; "If you don't put on your jacket, then mom or sister have to go with you to camp. As soon as you start wearing your jacket then you can have more freedom. I am responsible for your health and safety."  Another option is that she not go to camps.

 

I would not put any pressure on another adult to watch over your child with special health needs. I don't believe that volunteer scout leaders need that extra responsibility placed on them. This is your child, and you are responsible for her.

[Mama Geek]

Maybe I am crazy here, but a jacket doesn't have much impact on asthma problems.  I have problems with asthma and being around a campfire causes a lot more issues than not having a jacket on when it is cool.  

[Scottish Leanne]

It's one way to teach consequences; "If you don't put on your jacket, then mom or sister have to go with you to camp. As soon as you start wearing your jacket then you can have more freedom. I am responsible for your health and safety." Another option is that she not go to camps.

 

I would not put any pressure on another adult to watch over your child with special health needs. I don't believe that volunteer scout leaders need that extra responsibility placed on them. This is your child, and you are responsible for her.

That is actually a fair point but how do I get round the whining about needing it done up issue?

[hornblower]

Maybe I am crazy here, but a jacket doesn't have much impact on asthma problems.  I have problems with asthma and being around a campfire causes a lot more issues than not having a jacket on when it is cool.  

Now that I think of it, I think you're right.  Should a child with asthma be sitting around smoke from a fire??? 

[Frances]

Maybe I am crazy here, but a jacket doesn't have much impact on asthma problems. I have problems with asthma and being around a campfire causes a lot more issues than not having a jacket on when it is cool.

This. My husband and son have asthma and while it can occasionally be triggered or worsened by breathing in very cold air, I don’t think being cold makes a difference. My husband always runs cold and wears multiple layers at all times, even when actively working or playing. My son is exactly the opposite and rarely wears layers or jackets. Edited March 21, 2018 by Frances

[Arcadia]

Is she complaining about being cold or is she feeling sick from the cold. My relatives can complain about being cold and not be sick as a result, to them it is a discomfort. I would be shivering and turning pale.

 

Would a brownie jacket (https://shop.girlguidingscotland.org.uk/brownie-hooded-zip-jacket.ir) work for camps so that she is still “in uniform� Is anyone else in her troop wearing a jacket, if she is the only one she might feel conspicuous for being different.

 

If she doesn’t like to zip up her jacket herself, would a poncho work?

Link to cub poncho (unfortunately not red) https://shop.girlguidingscotland.org.uk/scouts-beavercub-poncho.ir

 

I would chaperone in the meantime as camping is a privilege. She might get annoyed enough that she thinks wearing her jacket is a better option.

 

Now that I think of it, I think you're right. Should a child with asthma be sitting around smoke from a fire???

Campfire smoke isn’t a asthma trigger for me, and I can tolerate a certain amount of BBQ pit smoke as well. Different asthmatics has different triggers. My worst trigger is cigarette smoke.

[Scottish Leanne]

Is she complaining about being cold or is she feeling sick from the cold. My relatives can complain about being cold and not be sick as a result, to them it is a discomfort. I would be shivering and turning pale.

 

Would a brownie jacket (https://shop.girlguidingscotland.org.uk/brownie-hooded-zip-jacket.ir) work for camps so that she is still “in uniform� Is anyone else in her troop wearing a jacket, if she is the only one she might feel conspicuous for being different.

 

If she doesn’t like to zip up her jacket herself, would a poncho work?

Link to cub poncho (unfortunately not red) https://shop.girlguidingscotland.org.uk/scouts-beavercub-poncho.ir

 

I would chaperone in the meantime as camping is a privilege. She might get annoyed enough that she thinks wearing her jacket is a better option.

 

Campfire smoke isn’t a asthma trigger for me, and I can tolerate a certain amount of BBQ pit smoke as well. Different asthmatics has different triggers. My worst trigger is cigarette smoke.

Yes, the other girls are wearing their jackets too and their brownie jacket that you posted a link to, my daughter will have her brownie hoodie on but open.

[Frances]

That is actually a fair point but how do I get round the whining about needing it done up issue?

Make it non-negotiable and not open for discussion if it is important to you. After her jacket is on and done up, then she can do the desired activity. It sounds like it is working for her teacher at school.

[Scottish Leanne]

Make it non-negotiable and not open for discussion if it is important to you. After her jacket is on and done up, then she can do the desired activity. It sounds like it is working for her teacher at school.

The thing is, she's likely to ask me to do it even though she is capable herself.

[Frances]

The thing is, she's likely to ask me to do it even though she is capable herself.

If it’s important for you that she do it herself, then you need to be firm in your refusal and simply reiterate that after it is done, she can do the desired activity. She will probably test you for awhile, but will eventually give up when she learns that doing it herself is the only option.

[Chris in VA]

This sounds more like your problem than hers. You don't want to enforce it, and you don't want to hear the whining when you do. No parent really wants to enforce consequences--we'd all like to be the friend instead of the parent from time to time. But you can be a "friendly parent" and still do what's best for your child. 

You probably need a little practice in being ok with your child being uncomfortable. 

It's hard, I know. 

[mamaraby]

FWIW, my son always has run one layer hotter than I do. When everyone around him needs a sweater, he doesn't. When they are wearing ski jackets, he puts on a sweater. It's just him, and it always has been. It's uncomfortable to watch because he has zero body fat.

 

He had asthma as a child but has outgrown it.

This is the thing I keep in mind when it comes to my kids and what they choose to wear. I get a fair amount of pushback from other parents about it, but one person’s cold is another person’s ideal temperature. Perception of temperature is largely subjective.

 

OP - I guess for me, it seems that your dd is comfortable at temperatures that are deemed cool for others. Maybe it’s time to consider what your fears are, evaluate if they’re reasonable, and determine what the worst case scenario is.

 

For my kids, I always figured that if the risk was low (are we talking about frostbite here?), then worst case scenario was they were cold and uncomfortable. In my mind, since they’re neurotypcial, the natural consequence was pretty low risk and that experince would have a far greater influence on their future choices than me saying it, cajoling it, punishing for it, setting up consequences for it, etc. Since I don’t live in their body, I don’t know what it feels like for them. If my children had other factors at play that meant their perception of temperature was hinderd or they had a non-NT issue that made them more likely to be defiant and oppositional then maybe one would want to make it an issue.

 

So she doesn’t wear her coat. What kind of temperatures are we talking about? What’s the risk here? Worst case scenario? Has she had her asthma triggered by not wearing a coat outside in the past? Or has she generally been fine without the coat?

Edited March 21, 2018 by mamaraby

[wintermom]

How about a pull-over anorak with no zips or fasteners for camping? Make it simple to put on. Some jackets are too fiddly to fasten up.

[Scottish Leanne]

How about a pull-over anorak with no zips or fasteners for camping? Make it simple to put on. Some jackets are too fiddly to fasten up.

That would not work with Bethany as she'd take a tantrum of I said she can't take her favourite jacket.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The thing is, she's likely to ask me to do it even though she is capable herself.

Do you ever tell her no? Your posts seem to indicate that your daughter and her teachers enforce expectations but you don’t. You are the parent. If she whines then give her a consequence. If she has a tantrum then give her a consequence. Not harsh ones. Also give her positive reinforcement when she remembers and complies. If she asks you to do it tell her that you know that she can do it. Encourage her to do it herself.

 

She is 7. She is not going to learn this habit right away. She isn’t going to understand why it is important. Outside reinforcements are part of teaching kids good habits. Saying no and communicating appropriate expectations are as well.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Jean in Newcastle

[Scottish Leanne]

Do you ever tell her no? Your posts seem to indicate that your daughter and her teachers enforce expectations but you don’t. You are the parent. If she whines then give her a consequence. If she has a tantrum then give her a consequence. Not harsh ones. Also give her positive reinforcement when she remembers and complies. If she asks you to do it tell her that you know that she can do it. Encourage her to do it herself.

 

She is 7. She is not going to learn this habit right away. She isn’t going to understand why it is important. Outside reinforcements are part of teaching kids good habits. Saying no and communicating appropriate expectations are as well.

Of course I tell her no, I have on many occasions and will continue too.

[wintermom]

That would not work with Bethany as she'd take a tantrum of I said she can't take her favourite jacket.

 

We know who wears the jacket in this family. Or doesn't wear the jacket...  :laugh:

[itsheresomewhere]

Yes, the other girls are wearing their jackets too and their brownie jacket that you posted a link to, my daughter will have her brownie hoodie on but open.

Then she is technically wearing the jacket. Either she will zip it up when she is actually cold or not.

 

I run hot and drove my mother crazy as I didn’t wear a jacket when she thought I needed it. I had asthma as a child and the jacket and cold was not bothering me.

[Laura Corin]

How about a base layer, merino or technical fabric?  You could get one with a fun design that seems like a T-shirt to her but that is actually really warm.

[shawthorne44]

I just recently finished reading The Self-Driven Child, and excellent book by the way, which mentioned something on homework that I think is relevant.  They said, if the parent/teachers/tutor puts more effort than the kid into getting the kid's schoolwork done, then the kid decides that schoolwork isn't his/her responsibility.  It seems that DD's teacher, sister and mother care more about your DD not being cold than DD does. 

 

It might also be that she enjoys the attention.  I imagine that when the girl's are sitting around the fire saying "I'm cold" and maybe visibly shivering is a way to get everyone's attention on her.  

[Anne]

I had one child who was always warmer than everybody else. She ran around in t-shirts and shorts in the winter (snowy & cold) and was perfectly comfortable. My rule for her is that she had to have her jacket with her in case she needed it.

 

If she says she doesn’t want to wear the jacket, don’t make her. If she then complains about being cold, then she can go get the jacket that is in her backpack/tent/car/closet - wherever it is.

 

If she doesn’t zip it up, then she must not be cold enough to want it zipped up. Don’t make her zip it up.

 

If she wants help zipping it up or putting it on, just help her. She won’t want the help for long, trust me!!

 

All of the above assumes she’s neurotypical and doesn’t have something like Raynaud’s or whatever. I agree with the others who said that being asthmatic wouldn’t make me worry about her getting cold, although I would be concerned about exposure to smoke.

 

I learned with my daughter that it just wasn’t worth fighting over *her* body temperature/comfort level.

 

Anne

[freesia]

I would ask her doctor if it matters with regard to her asthma. If it doesn't, I would make her bring it, but not require wearing it unless the temps were below freezing.

[Tanaqui]

Forgive me, but I'm struck by two things.

 

First, your daughter consistently refuses to wear things with sleeves in situations where others will until she's pretty darn cold and secondly, despite being 'able to' do her own coat, she consistently refuses to do so at the age of eight.

 

That second strikes me as unusual behavior for an eight year old. Most children would find it faster and easier to do it themselves - and certainly less embarrassing! Who wants to be treated like a little kid in front of their friends?

 

I don't want to jump to a very specific conclusion over two very small data points, but does your daughter perhaps have any other quirks which set her apart from other kids her age? If so, advice intended for NT (neurologically typical, aka "normal") kids might not be as helpful as all that.

[bolt.]

There's no way I would require a coat, zipped, on a child who wasn't cold at this age (unless I thought hypothermia or frostbite was a real risk).

 

Just let the child get cold. She'll figure it out.

 

Or she won't get cold, and you will figure it out.

 

I (as a Canadian) cherish the seasonal days in fall and winter when it is cold enough to learn a lesson, but not cold enough to be dangerous. My kids did plenty of experiments on such days (often shivered, sometimes roasted) and now they know exactly what layers they want for various temperatures.

 

I start that freedom (on safe days spring/fall days) around 4 or 5 years old. Until about 9 years old, I insist that they bring adequate gear... but what they wear is up to them. After that I basically say nothing but 'are you sure?'

 

This autonomy develops their ability to think ahead and decide what matters to them. This helps them make good decisions in situation (like camp) when it is up to them. It even extends to non-coat decision making skills.

 

It also taught me that (in spite of my insistence at preschool ages) one of my children just actually isn't as cold as I would be.

 

(I don't think asthma has anything to do with coat-related decisions. I don't think that people with asthma need to keep warmer than other people.)

Edited March 22, 2018 by bolt.

[Mergath]

Maybe I am crazy here, but a jacket doesn't have much impact on asthma problems.  I have problems with asthma and being around a campfire causes a lot more issues than not having a jacket on when it is cool.  

 

:iagree:  My dh has asthma and COPD. Unless the child is breathing the air through the jacket, it's going to make zero difference.

 

The particulate matter from campfire smoke, however, can irritate the lungs.

 

OP, let her do what she wants in regard to her jacket, and keep her the heck away from campfires if her asthma isn't well controlled.

[Ausmumof3]

Now that I think of it, I think you're right. Should a child with asthma be sitting around smoke from a fire???

This would depend on the type of asthma wouldn't it? My ds' is caused by allergies to pollen so he has asthma through the summer but none during the winter when we have fires. If the op is worried about cold I assume maybe hers is due to viruses and cold air of winter so might be different but smoke may not be an issue.

[Mergath]

This would depend on the type of asthma wouldn't it? My ds' is caused by allergies to pollen so he has asthma through the summer but none during the winter when we have fires. If the op is worried about cold I assume maybe hers is due to viruses and cold air of winter so might be different but smoke may not be an issue.

 

Woodsmoke is always going to be an issue for someone with asthma. Woodsmoke is full of fine particulate matter that's bad for anyone's lungs, whether you have asthma or not, because it inflames the respiratory system. 

[Garga]

Woodsmoke is always going to be an issue for someone with asthma. Woodsmoke is full of fine particulate matter that's bad for anyone's lungs, whether you have asthma or not, because it inflames the respiratory system. 

 

 

I certainly don't have asthma, and the years we used our fireplace, I got horrible, hacking coughs.  Magically, when we stopped using the fireplace, the coughs stopped.  My DH, who does have asthma, had horrible, horrendous, hacking coughs when we used the fireplace that lasted for months.

 

I think fire smoke is bad for anyone.  Though I have to admit, I've been around campfires and been fine, but being inside with all the fine particulate matter stuck in the house was another story. 

 

If the OP's daughter has asthma, then maybe the campfires and not the lack of coat has been the problem in the past (if there's been one.)  If there hasn't been a problem, then maybe the evening or two exposure at the campfire isn't enough (as is with a house fireplace being used for weeks on end) to cause a problem.

 

Campfires aside, OP, I'm pretty sure that asthma problems can also be caused by breathing in cold air and not from having a cold body temperature.  Wearing the jacket won't change the temperature of the air that's going into her lungs.  If the doctor confirms that (air temperature vs body temperature), then let her be cold.  If she's too cold, she knows where her jacket is.

 

Would there be any reason she could not go back and get her jacket if she gets cold?  

[Mergath]

I certainly don't have asthma, and the years we used our fireplace, I got horrible, hacking coughs.  Magically, when we stopped using the fireplace, the coughs stopped.  My DH, who does have asthma, had horrible, horrendous, hacking coughs when we used the fireplace that lasted for months.

 

I think fire smoke is bad for anyone.  Though I have to admit, I've been around campfires and been fine, but being inside with all the fine particulate matter stuck in the house was another story. 

 

Not to go off on too much of a tangent, but I always think it's a little funny (ironic funny, not haha funny) when people who are all about organic, healthy, natural living move out to the country and immediately want to heat their homes with wood stoves because it's so much more natural and back-to-the-land. Firewood can be full of fungus, so between breathing in the spores and the particulate matter in the smoke, it's really horrible for your health. We have hot water heat and while all the baseboards might not be especially attractive, it's so much easier on my dh's lungs than a lot of other heating methods.

[Scottish Leanne]

Can I just say to all concerned about the campfires, Bethany is not affected by these.

 

Its more the cold that bothers her, she starts to shiver and then get grumpy so its imperative she has her jacket with her, surely you guys can understand my concerns because my oldest daughter and Bethany's teachers understand my concern?

 

My oldest will even tell her off by saying "Bethany, you get cold easily so get thhat jacket on and done up or you get no hugs from big sis!", that usually prompts her to put it on.

[wintermom]

Can I just say to all concerned about the campfires, Bethany is not affected by these.

 

Its more the cold that bothers her, she starts to shiver and then get grumpy so its imperative she has her jacket with her, surely you guys can understand my concerns because my oldest daughter and Bethany's teachers understand my concern?

 

My oldest will even tell her off by saying "Bethany, you get cold easily so get thhat jacket on and done up or you get no hugs from big sis!", that usually prompts her to put it on.

 

Why don't you borrow some strategies from your daughter and the teacher when speaking with your younger daughter? Set clear directions, present the consequences, and follow-through with the consequences when required. 

[freesia]

Maybe your oldest dd and the teachers understand and respond to your concern. They are respecting you.

 

However, that doesn't mean that others share your level of concern regarding this. So, she is shivering and grumpy? I would tell my child that I noticed he or she gets grumpy when they are cold. They are responsible for that feeling. They need to control it and not grump at any if us. I would suggest using their coat to head offf this grumpiness, but not force it. Then I would have clear consequences for the grumpiness. Shivering is its own consequence, but I wouldn't (and don't) let a child who refuses to put on another layer of clothing whine about being cold.

 

So, there are different ways of handling the situation that you present. You are being very rigid in your thinking about this. One solution is for you to change--that's all folks are trying to help you see. That doesn't mean we are saying you have to change--just that the situation of her not wearing a coat may not be as dire as you are making it and ending the drama may lead to a swifter conclusion.

 

The more emotion and catastrophizing you do, the more your dd may push against it. If you don't care, she may just start wearing her coat.

Edited March 22, 2018 by freesia

[Chris in VA]

I'm a little confused--you are saying she has a hoodie (which is a jacket, no?) with her but doesn't zip it.

You also said that she doesn't take her jacket with her.

You said she doesn't feel cold, but then she does feel cold and won't wear the jacket that she does or doesn't have with her. 

 

I think I need to go back and reread! lol

 

Gently, bottom line is, you sound worried that not wearing a jacket is hurting your kiddo, and that she isn't listening to you to put it on. 

Can you set a boundary with her and simply tell her what you are noticing, and then come up with a solution with her? 

Sometimes it helps me as a parent to have some words to share--so may I suggest something like, 

 

"Bethany, I notice you don't like to wear your jacket when you are at the camp campfire. I have heard that you get cold and shiver, and then refuse to put it on or don't take it with you in the first place. I am worried that you are going to (get sick, have an asthma flare up, whatever you are worried about). I also am concerned because you don't obey me when I am telling you to wear your coat, and I feel disrespected (or whatever you feel). How can we make this situation better?"

 

Talk it through. Let her come up with a solution, and then see if it matches what you are comfortable with--you may need to let go of some control, or you may need to take some. 

 

Hope this helps. 

[bolt.]

...

Its more the cold that bothers her, she starts to shiver and then get grumpy so its imperative she has her jacket with her, surely you guys can understand my concerns because my oldest daughter and Bethany's teachers understand my concern?

...

 

I understand your concern. I just don't think you are correct about it. I think your concern is irrational.

 

Many parents worry irrationally -- and when they get carried away by that worry, sometimes they are happy when they are told that they are allowed to stop.

 

I'm trying to tell you that you are allowed to stop worrying about this. You are allowed to stop causing conflict in your family about this.

 

Depending where you live (northern hemisphere?) it's probable that (almost?) every day from now until next fall is perfectly safe for a child without a coat, as long as she has it with her just-in-case.

 

I mean safe... possibly not comfortable though.

 

Your daughter is allowed to shiver.

 

When she does, eventually she will figure out that a coat is a great tool for preventing her own discomfort. That is completely different than what you are teaching her now: that her coat is a pointless part of her routine, and if she forgets or ignores her coat, caregivers will handle that aspect of her life for her.

 

Your daughter is allowed to make herself grumpy.

 

When she does, she will learn that her coat (and many other things) are tools for her own happiness. She will learn that she has choices that genuinely-and-actually impact her happiness -- and that she is responsible for some of those choices.

 

It's great that you know that the cold bothers her, and that coats help with that.

 

It's past time that *she* learns that the cold bothers her. If she doesn't experience the discomfort, how is it reasonable to expect her to embrace a coat as a tool for preventing it?

 

By the time you encounter genuinely bad weather next winter (if you have those days where you live) she might have enough experiences to quit fighting you on the days that a coat truly matters.