Perspective needed

[Scarlett]

Please don't quote because I am going to delete soon.

 

My step dad wants to adopt me. I am 51 years old.

 

I love him. I am glad he is married to my mom. They are good to me.

 

When he mentioned it to me I was in sort of a shock.....I felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. I don't think I said much.....maybe oh how sweet of you or something.

 

My mom Wasn't even in the room when he mentioned it.

 

Later she asked me to email her a copy of my birth are going to see the attorney tomorrow to start the process.

 

Ever fiber of my being is screaming no. I don't know why.....but I just can't do it. Saying no will just crush him and I hate that but I just can't do this.

 

Any experience in this type of thing would be appreciated.

 

I already knew I didn't want to but when I pulled out my bc just now I knew I CANT do it.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Scarlett

[bettyandbob]

Are they pursuing this for inheritance purposes?

 

Does stepfather have children?

 

Are they thinking that with adoption you can be next of kin?

 

I think I'd find a way to have a discussion about the reasons.

[SJ.]

I do not know your story with your stepfather but perhaps it would be good to ask yourself why you are having such a "NO!!!" reaction. Also, I would ask myself who would be harmed more and how much with both scenarios (adopting vs not adopting).

 

I wish you peace in whatever decision you come to.

[maize]

Your feelings matter.

 

Perhaps you can write him a letter expressing your love for him and appreciation of specific ways he has been a dad to you, and explaining that you don't feel a need or desire for a legal adoption but really appreciate the relationship you do have.

[J-rap]

Why do you think you are screaming no?  Do you not have a good relationship with him?  Do you have a biological father you are close to?  Is he doing it because he wants to make sure you receive inheritance? 

[Carol in Cal.]

This is a really tough one.

 

Have they been married for very long?  Is your biological father still in the picture?  If not, did you at least have a good relationship with or good memories of him?

 

If they married long ago, this seems really late in the game to be taking this action, unless there is some specific trigger for it. 

 

If it were me, I would try to figure all this out before answering.

[Rebel Yell]

Ohhhhh.

 

Can you buy yourself some time? To think, to collect your thoughts? It can't be finalized without your signature or consent, correct?

 

Also, forgive me if this is inappropriate- I dont know if there is more to the story that has been posted here, but, are there any potential legal issues for inheritance or financial responsibility that you would gain or lose? Do you have an attorney you could consult?

 

:grouphug:

 

And a reminder, your feelings count too! It is hugely admirable to wish to not offend or to honor someone's wishes, but not at the expense of your own peace of mind,

[Night Elf]

You definitely need to know exactly why they are suggesting this at this time. I also find it strange that they are proceeding without getting your approval first. That's disconcerting that they wouldn't consider your take on this. If they don't have good reasons, just tell him how much you love and appreciate him but you want to keep things as they are.

[Scarlett]

Are they pursuing this for inheritance purposes?

 

Does stepfather have children?

 

Are they thinking that with adoption you can be next of kin?

 

I think I'd find a way to have a discussion about the reasons.

My step father has a daughter from his first marriage (that wife died). She is a little older than me, she and I get a long great. She has a brother ( also my step dads child) who is mentally gone from a rare condition,..he lives in a nursing home and doesn't have long to live.)

 

Then there is my brother. My parents have almost zero contact with him. He is not mentally stable and I consider him to be very emotionally dangerous to my parents.

 

I can't imagine legally how an adoption would change anything. My step sister and I will both be responsible for helping them In various ways and we expect to be left their money someday but if not that is their business we believe. They are in the process of selling their house and moving to my town.

 

My background is that I was born out of wedlock. My bio dad refused to take responsibility for me. His name is on the birth certificate...back when his permission wasn't required. My mom had no contact with him after she told him she was pregnant and he said it wasn't his problem. When I was 7 she made a phone call to him. That is the first he knew I was actually born and alive. Then another call when I was 15. I met him....met my sister and we bonded hard....but he still did not accept me. He never has really. We only have a tiny bit of contact because of my sister...

 

My mom married my first step dad when I was 1. Had my brother. He never adopted me. I always thought of him as my dad.....a bad one but my dad anyway. He died 1 1/2 ago.

 

My thinking is they feel like I never had a dad. Pretty sure that is it.

 

But I have spent many years coming to,terms with my beginnings and my life and lack of interest from bio....and rejoicing in getting t know my sister......and being happy with my current step dad (15 years)..... It may not be a perfect life....and I know my mom feels bad for the lack of father figure I had growing up...but it is my life. I don't want to wipe it clean.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Scarlett

[Lang Syne Boardie]

...but it is my life. I don't want to wipe it clean.

 

Scarlett, this is all you need to know. You can say no. :grouphug: They may be hurt or confused, but your feelings are more important even than that.

[Scarlett]

Your feelings matter.

 

Perhaps you can write him a letter expressing your love for him and appreciation of specific ways he has been a dad to you, and explaining that you don't feel a need or desire for a legal adoption but really appreciate the relationship you do have.

Yes I will do that.....I just dread it.

[SJ.]

It sounds like you did have a dad, and he died fairly recently (I am sorry for your loss). I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable.

[Scarlett]

You definitely need to know exactly why they are suggesting this at this time. I also find it strange that they are proceeding without getting your approval first. That's disconcerting that they wouldn't consider your take on this. If they don't have good reasons, just tell him how much you love and appreciate him but you want to keep things as they are.

I doubt very much they realize I didn't say yes. Heck maybe I did say yes! I was so shocked....I know they think they are doing some great thing for me.

[Scarlett]

Ohhhhh.

 

Can you buy yourself some time? To think, to collect your thoughts? It can't be finalized without your signature or consent, correct?

 

Also, forgive me if this is inappropriate- I dont know if there is more to the story that has been posted here, but, are there any potential legal issues for inheritance or financial responsibility that you would gain or lose? Do you have an attorney you could consult?

 

:grouphug:

 

And a reminder, your feelings count too! It is hugely admirable to wish to not offend or to honor someone's wishes, but not at the expense of your own peace of mind,

I am trying to buy time....but I hate to let them see an attorney when I know I don't want it.

 

They are comfortable but far from wealthy. I can't think of any reason an adoption would benefit any of us or harm any of us legally.

 

I think it is purely emotional reasons.

[Scarlett]

Why do you think you are screaming no? Do you not have a good relationship with him? Do you have a biological father you are close to? Is he doing it because he wants to make sure you receive inheritance?

I have a great relationship with him. I am not close to my bio. I think my bio only admitted to himself that I am his child about 8 years ago when my sister and I found each other. She has always (well from the day she met me when she was 11) known I am her bio sister....and I think he started to consider it and had to admit I am. But not much contact between him and me.

[Garga]

Interesting.  My first thought when I read that they wanted to adopt you was "NO" as well and it's not even me and I don't know any of them!

 

My first knee-jerk reaction was that it seemed infantilizing.  I looked up the definition to be sure I was thinking of the correct word and here's the definition: treat (someone) as a child or in a way that denies their maturity in age or experience.  

 

I think that that's what you're feeling, as you said in your follow up post: you're a grown woman well into your middle age, and adopting you seems to negate all the experiences of your life in regards to having a father.  

 

Then again, I could be way off. I don't want to presume to know how you feel, but when I read your post, the above was my instant reaction.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Garga

[eternalsummer]

You are who you are.  I also think your feelings are reasonable and that you should not feel obligated or guilted into this.  

[SKL]

This is a tough one.  Personally I would probably be weak and let them do it rather than hurt their feelings.  If you had another dad alive that would make it more complicated.

 

If I was feeling strong-ish, I would get my mom in a private conversation and tell her it felt really strange as a 51-year-old and ask if she thought it were possible to say "thank you but no" without devastating him.

Edited April 23, 2017 by SKL

[Scarlett]

It sounds like you did have a dad, and he died fairly recently (I am sorry for your loss). I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable.

Thank you. He wasn't in my life either much at all. He was a major alcoholic and my mom divorced him when I was 8....but he did love me as best he could....we just had no relationship because he only had time for the bottle.

[Scarlett]

Interesting. My first thought when I read that they wanted to adopt you was "NO" as well and it's not even me and I don't know any of them!

 

My first knee-jerk reaction was that it seemed infantilizing. I looked up the definition to be sure I was thinking of the correct word and here's the definition: treat (someone) as a child or in a way that denies their maturity in age or experience.

 

I think that that's what you're feeling, as you said in your follow up post: you're a grown woman well into your middle age, and adopting you seems to negate all the experiences of your life in regards to having a father.

 

Then again, I could be way off. I don't want to presume to know how you feel, but when I read your post, the above was my instant reaction.

You are dead on. Thank you for articulating some of what I am feeling.

[Scarlett]

This is a tough one. Personally I would probably be weak and let them do it rather than hurt their feelings. If you had another dad alive that would make it more complicated.

 

If I was feeling strong-ish, I would get my mom in a private conversation and tell her it felt really strange as a 51-year-old and ask if she thought it were possible to say "thank you but no" without devastating him.

See normally this is what I would do. In fact I told my Dh I didn't want to do it but didn't want to hurt step dads feelings.......so I would go along with it. But I don't think I can do it.

[J-rap]

Aw, I'm sorry.  It's tough to be in a situation when you feel you may be hurting someone.  But you really do need to consider your own feelings first.  I think at the very least, you need to let them know you need time to think about it, with no deadline.  I think you should be able to tell them how much his offer has meant to you, and that you love him and care for him very much!  But you need time to consider if this is the best step for you, since your background is complicated (basically, with three dads!).  

[Annie G]

Even if you did say yes you can change your mind.  I can't imagine why this is something they feel the need to do- you're 51 and not dependent on them.  If he wants to make you an heir he can do so without adopting you. 

 

I'd probably write him a letter and tell him how much he means to you and that you love him very much but that at this time you're not going to agree to the adoption. And open the door to talking about it more in case they have a reason that you haven't thought about. 

 

 

[Seasider]

Was it his idea, or your mother's, I wonder, trying to right what she perceives as some wrongs?

 

Definitely ask for time. Let them know you have not yet agreed to it. And though you should do so with a kind tone, ask them lots of questions. What made them think of it? How will it change the relationship between you? What new expectations might arise because of it (i.e., elder caregiving)?

 

It may be just a very sweet gesture, with no strings attached, but you are no longer a minor and deserve to have a say in any such process.

[maize]

"Hi mom and step dad. I've been thinking about the adoption paperwork you mentioned yesterday. Could you please hold off on that? The idea took me by surprise and I find I really need some time to process and think about it. I've been at peace with my life and relationships as they are and don't know how I feel about changing anything.

 

I love you both and appreciate your love and support for me.

--Scarlett"

 

Something like that should buy you time and prepare them for the idea that you might say no, in the mean time you can process feelings and maybe discuss reasoning a bit more.

Edited April 23, 2017 by maize

[Jean in Newcastle]

My first thought was "why?"  It just seems odd to me to wait until someone is in their fifties.  Like it doesn't really have any real meaning as far as adoption goes because you aren't living in their house and you have your own family and have for some time.  On the other hand, if it is just signing a paper that changes absolutely nothing in your life, then why not?  But I would still feel weird about it. 

[bolt.]

Are you sure it isn't just a technicality of end of life planning?

 

There are a lot of scenarios when blended families become legally chaotic when somebody passes away. In situations where adult children have different legal statuses and different relationships with one member of an elderly married couple vs the other... it gets dicey.

 

I'd check that it actually is emotional (and thus infantalizing in the extreme) before assuming. It may just be them wanting to straingten out the technicalities of inheritances so you won't be in probate for a dozen years after one or both of them pass.

Edited April 23, 2017 by bolt.

[Rebel Yell]

I am trying to buy time....but I hate to let them see an attorney when I know I don't want it.

They are comfortable but far from wealthy. I can't think of any reason an adoption would benefit any of us or harm any of us legally.

I think it is purely emotional reasons.

Many hugs. I have had many decisions made for me, without anyone considering my feelings or wishes. In theory, they are good things or beneficial, but it wasn't what I actually wanted or would have chosen.

 

If any of their reasons relate to decision-making or inheritance issues, see an attorney with that in mind, or have them be certain their wills, power of attorney, and other documents for medical decisions etc. are up to date and will hold up. Even the best relationships in bio families can get complicated if there isn't clarity or agreement.

 

I don't mean to sound cold or only concerned with legal issues. That's just where my mind goes when my feelings and wishes aren't considered- it's the only "weapon" I have available to me.

[bolt.]

For example... if your mom passes away before her husband, should she will all of her estate to him (so that he doesn't lose his home) and none-or-little to you? If so, it becomes his, and if he has no legal relationship to you, his descendants would certainly not expect to split his assets with you when he passes -- even though some of "his" assets were from your mother. This effectively leaves you with in a scenario of no inheritance from her. She probably doesn't want that. Then, maybe (they think) to avoid that scenario they should decide that you get some of your mom's estate directly (if she passes first). That sounds fair, but would result in her husband losing his whole life immediately upon losing his beloved wife (because the assets (house) would have to be liquified and divided). So that's not great either...

 

I can see why a legal adoption of you by him would clear things up a little, without there being any sentiment involved. (And that's just one of many possibilities and hiccups.)

[Minerva]

I completely get this.  :grouphug:

 

My parental thing is complicated and my feelings don't even make sense to me. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

Are you sure it isn't just a technicality of end of life planning?

 

There are a lot of scenarios when blended families become legally chaotic when somebody passes away. In situations where adult children have different legal statuses and different relationships with one member of an elderly married couple vs the other... it gets dicey.

 

I'd check that it actually is emotional (and thus infantalizing in the extreme) before assuming. It may just be them wanting to straingten out the technicalities of inheritances so you won't be in probate for a dozen years after one or both of them pass.

I am certain nothing like that applies here. My parents have only been married 15 years but everything they each own is in both names. If one dies the other gets it all. And their agreement is that the surviving mate divides it between all their children.

 

I think this has nothing to do with estate planning. More like another poster mentioned...they are trying to make me feel.....good? Special? Like someone's real daughter? As much as I appreciate the sentiment it is way too late for that. My bc is almost 52 years old. It is mine. I don't want another one.

[Scarlett]

For example... if your mom passes away before her husband, should she will all of her estate to him (so that he doesn't lose his home) and none-or-little to you? If so, it becomes his, and if he has no legal relationship to you, his descendants would certainly not expect to split his assets with you when he passes -- even though some of "his" assets were from your mother. This effectively leaves you with in a scenario of no inheritance from her. She probably doesn't want that. Then, maybe (they think) to avoid that scenario they should decide that you get some of your mom's estate directly (if she passes first). That sounds fair, but would result in her husband losing his whole life immediately upon losing his beloved wife (because the assets (house) would have to be liquified and divided). So that's not great either...

 

I can see why a legal adoption of you by him would clear things up a little, without there being any sentiment involved. (And that's just one of many possibilities and hiccups.)

They are leaving everything to the other...and the survivor will leave it to the children. I suspect that will only be me and my step sister.....but either way it won't matter who is related by blood. If he did survive my mom he can still legally do whatever he pleases with their entire estate.

[Scarlett]

"Hi mom and step dad. I've been thinking about the adoption paperwork you mentioned yesterday. Could you please hold off on that? The idea took me by surprise and I find I really need some time to process and think about it. I've been at peace with my life and relationships as they are and don't know how I feel about changing anything.

 

I love you both and appreciate your love and support for me.

--Scarlett"

 

Something like that should buy you time and prepare them for the idea that you might say no, in the mean time you can process feelings and maybe discuss reasoning a bit more.

I like your wording very much. I am going to talk to Dh when he gets home. He always helps me in these situations.

[Scarlett]

My step sister is another layer to this. She has not had the best relationship with him. It is really hard to explain.....but she has often told me she feels like he puts everyone ahead of her. And she wasn't talking about me either.....but can you imagine if she were to hear he wants to adopt me? It just turns my stomach on her behalf.

 

Ugh.

 

And my bio sister...I feel like she would think I was just totally dismissing her from my life.

 

But if I do t do it my step dad will be crushed. He is very sensitive and this kind of stuff is what just eats him up.

 

Yet everyone else's reaction and feelings aside,,,,,I just don't want to do it. I want my life just like it is.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Scarlett

[Starr]

I sympathize. I was just talking with dh tonight about step relatives trying to fix my past. It is my life and they don't get to rewrite it. I think you can nicely tell them it isn't necessary, you don't want them to spend the money, you don't know where your paperwork is, or just 'no thank you.' :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

"Hi mom and step dad. I've been thinking about the adoption paperwork you mentioned yesterday. Could you please hold off on that? The idea took me by surprise and I find I really need some time to process and think about it. I've been at peace with my life and relationships as they are and don't know how I feel about changing anything.

 

I love you both and appreciate your love and support for me.

--Scarlett"

 

Something like that should buy you time and prepare them for the idea that you might say no, in the mean time you can process feelings and maybe discuss reasoning a bit more.

Ok, I talked to Dh...he loved your wording....I only added a sentence or two......and I hit send on a group text to the two of them.

[heartlikealion]

A lot of people are posting, "what makes you scream 'no'?" and I'm over here like, "is it just me or is it odd to talk about adoption when someone is already a fully grown adult?" I don't mean that in a rude way. Just that when I hear adoption my mind goes to children or maybe young adults. If it's been 15 years I would have thought it would have been discussed earlier on, too. If someone were to go along with it I wouldn't think anything negative about it. I just mean I can see why you wouldn't necessarily feel the same as them.

 

I would talk to my mom about it first I would imagine. Maybe that is cowardly. I don't have a step parent so I guess I can't really put myself in your shoes, either. It would just be easier to me to ask the whys indirectly.

[Scarlett]

A lot of people are posting, "what makes you scream 'no'?" and I'm over here like, "is it just me or is it odd to talk about adoption when someone is already a fully grown adult?" I don't mean that in a rude way. Just that when I hear adoption my mind goes to children or maybe young adults. If it's been 15 years I would have thought it would have been discussed earlier on, too. If someone were to go along with it I wouldn't think anything negative about it. I just mean I can see why you wouldn't necessarily feel the same as them.

 

I would talk to my mom about it first I would imagine. Maybe that is cowardly. I don't have a step parent so I guess I can't really put myself in your shoes, either. It would just be easier to me to ask the whys indirectly.

Well I decided to hit it head on...I sent them both the same text.....no response yet.

 

I am frankly surprised by my reaction because I love him and I know he loves me.....but I don't want my last wiped clean at this stage of my life.

 

It actually clarified a lot to me.

[Scarlett]

45 min and no response. Not looking good.

[Annie G]

45 min and no response. Not looking good.

 

It might be ok- you needed time to process your feelings and they probably do too. Hope when they do respond it all works out. 

[Seasider]

45 min and no response. Not looking good.

Maybe they're watching a movie.

 

And, it's good for you. It was the right response for you. You did not initiate any action that would crush your stepdad's feelings. He and your mother both should have realized you may have thought differently about the whole adoption thing.

 

There have been a spate of sentimental adoption "reveals" on social media the last couple of years. Maybe this is where they got the idea? Usually it's adoption of teenage girls (from what I've seen), not grown women!

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Frankly, I would be wigging out if this had happened to me.  Adoption is quite personal and adopting an adult woman in her 50s without actually talking it over extensively and getting enthusiastic permission to do so first is just...not something I would ever do.  I'm sorry they put you in this position, regardless of their intentions.  I know you don't want to hurt him but I think you did the right thing in sending that message.  This is your life.  You are an adult and have been for quite some time now.  It should be your decision, not theirs.  Even if they had some sort of financial or legal reason they should have discussed it with you first.

[eternalsummer]

Scarlett, that makes a ton of sense to me.

[Scarlett]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Frankly, I would be wigging out if this had happened to me. Adoption is quite personal and adopting an adult woman in her 50s without actually talking it over extensively and getting enthusiastic permission to do so first is just...not something I would ever do. I'm sorry they put you in this position, regardless of their intentions. I know you don't want to hurt him but I think you did the right thing in sending that message. This is your life. You are an adult and have been for quite some time now. It should be your decision, not theirs. Even if they had some sort of financial or legal reason they should have discussed it with you first.

Just to be clear ...they did discuss it with me. He told me he wanted to adopt me. I said oh that is nice.....but I could not believe they set up an appointment with attorney.

[Scarlett]

Dh says to resist the urge to say something else. Just let it sit.

[Seasider]

Just to be clear ...they did discuss it with me. He told me he wanted to adopt me. I said oh that is nice.....but I could not believe they set up an appointment with attorney.

FWIW, I don't think what you described in the OP sounds like a discussion. More like the dropping of a bomb!

[Anne in CA]

I like your wording very much. I am going to talk to Dh when he gets home. He always helps me in these situations.

 

 

Could you add something to the effect of:

 

"I know you are hoping to give me closure, but I l already have it and don't want to cause you more work or stress right now?" 

[Liz CA]

Are they pursuing this for inheritance purposes?

 

Does stepfather have children?

 

Are they thinking that with adoption you can be next of kin?

 

I think I'd find a way to have a discussion about the reasons.

 

This is the first (and only) reason that comes to mind as to why he would want to do this.

 

[OneStepAtATime]

Just to be clear ...they did discuss it with me. He told me he wanted to adopt me. I said oh that is nice.....but I could not believe they set up an appointment with attorney.

It really didn't sound like much of a discussion to me.  A discussion would be talking back and forth about the possibility, potentially and hopefully over time, not just one random out of the blue bomb drop scenario.

[Scarlett]

It really didn't sound like much of a discussion to me. A discussion would be talking back and forth about the possibility, potentially and hopefully over time, not just one random out of the blue bomb drop scenario.

Good point. I am just glad I had the courage to say no. I would have hated myself if I didn't.