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Not to stir up the mess again, but I started thinking......(aka: meeting up with a coworker of the opposite gender thread)


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#1 DawnM

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 04:21 AM

I still stand by my thoughts that if Pense wants to have a hard and fast rule, he is allowed to do so.

 

However, I did comment in that thread that I saw nothing wrong with meeting with a coworker for lunch, esp. at a situation where you don't know anyone else, like a conference, etc.....

 

Yesterday a male teacher, who had my job last year, emailed me to ask how things were going and said, "Let's meet up for coffee and you can fill me in."

 

I forgot we had met up before school started so he could tell me all about what my job would be like, what to do, etc......We met just the two of us, in a very public place (mall food court.)  He is a single older man, and I have actually wondered if he is straight, but haven't asked.

 

it didn't even phase me, I said, "Sure, let's meet up."  DH knows about it and commented that it was a good idea since we are both looking for new positions next year and need to get info on the schools, what we have learned in our searches, etc.......  We will meet in a public place, and because of where we both work, meeting up at a school site isn't possible.

 

And then this morning, I thought, "Oh gosh!  What about THE thread?"   :lol:   Maybe this IS supposed to phase me.

 

It still doesn't by the way.


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#2 Quill

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 05:29 AM

I think there are situations that are best not to get into, but this doesn't sound like one of those.

When I used to work in law firms, it was common to go out to lunch (public places) as opposite genders. None of those situations were ever the least bit questionable. But, had there been any situation where I knew there was some tension there, some possibility in the mind of the co-worker or myself, I wouldn't have entertained it. Better to keep the boundaries strong.
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#3 DawnM

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 09:10 AM

I think there are situations that are best not to get into, but this doesn't sound like one of those.

When I used to work in law firms, it was common to go out to lunch (public places) as opposite genders. None of those situations were ever the least bit questionable. But, had there been any situation where I knew there was some tension there, some possibility in the mind of the co-worker or myself, I wouldn't have entertained it. Better to keep the boundaries strong.

 

Yes, if I thought there was any more to this, then of course I wouldn't be going, but we have several things to discuss, all work related.  Honestly, I know very little about his personal life other than he moved back to this area to help his ailing/aging mother.   He is single, and I have no idea if he has ever married.  But, as I mentioned, I am not sure he is straight either.  


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#4 Anne in CA

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 09:46 AM

I used to have a lot of gay friends when we lived in Portland. They were so easy going compared to other moms, and since they didn't have their own kids they were very interested in mine and so happy for my kid's accomplishments without any comparison. DH liked them all, but had nothing in common with any of them and often made himself scarce when they came to the house, lol.


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#5 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 09:46 AM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.


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#6 Happy2BaMom

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:12 AM

....  I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. ....And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

Ouch. 

 

Sorry, but it sounds like your husband is not ....... how to put this kindly.....paying attention to things that are important to you. And that does matter, and is a much bigger deal than whatever Pence (or anyone else) is doing or not doing or should do, etc. 

 

 


Edited by Happy2BaMom, 21 April 2017 - 10:39 AM.

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#7 marbel

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:18 AM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I think stay-home moms, especially those in the midst of little kids, are particularly vulnerable to those feelings.  I have a vague memory of a conversation with my husband once... not clear on the details or how it started, but I remember saying something like "yeah,  you're with smart accomplished women all day and here I am... no one's interested in me... maybe the UPS man?"  It was not a fight nor was I jealous of anything or anyone in particular.  I think I just felt very vulnerable, not to mention dumpy, frumpy, and immensely uninteresting.

 

That said, I think there are people who can manage well in these sorts of friendships, and some who can't.  In my experience, affairs start because the people are close together and have something in common.  Then, as they say, "it just happened."  Well, that's not true, nothing "just happens," a decision has to be made.  But it is often tiny steps toward the decision.

 

Not trying to make you more uncomfortable, heart.  I'm speaking generally, not about your husband, and responding to your comment about sounding insanely jealous. FWIW, I don't think you do.   Nor do I have any reason to think you need to be!


Edited by marbel, 21 April 2017 - 10:19 AM.

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#8 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:43 AM

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I think stay-home moms, especially those in the midst of little kids, are particularly vulnerable to those feelings.  I have a vague memory of a conversation with my husband once... not clear on the details or how it started, but I remember saying something like "yeah,  you're with smart accomplished women all day and here I am... no one's interested in me... maybe the UPS man?"  It was not a fight nor was I jealous of anything or anyone in particular.  I think I just felt very vulnerable, not to mention dumpy, frumpy, and immensely uninteresting.

 

That said, I think there are people who can manage well in these sorts of friendships, and some who can't.  In my experience, affairs start because the people are close together and have something in common.  Then, as they say, "it just happened."  Well, that's not true, nothing "just happens," a decision has to be made.  But it is often tiny steps toward the decision.

 

Not trying to make you more uncomfortable, heart.  I'm speaking generally, not about your husband, and responding to your comment about sounding insanely jealous. FWIW, I don't think you do.   Nor do I have any reason to think you need to be!

 

Yes, it's all of that stuff. I have no friends here. I don't want to live here. And we can't afford to move unless I can make $X which is super unlikely to happen so I'm just trying to find a job making enough to warrant daycare, commuting, etc. I can't even get the last job I applied to to respond to my question asking if they filled the position. So basically I'm "stuck" as a SAHM even though I don't do well in this role. Very frustrated right now.
 



#9 vonfirmath

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:44 AM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

Honestly. In this situation -- I'd suggest going stroller walking with him. It'd be nice to stroll around the block with my husband and not have to worry about what to do with the kids while we do.

If you are not feeling heard -- that is a problem that needs to be worked on regardless of the other issue.  (I, too, try not to be alone with one other man. SOmetimes interesting given we have so few females in our business.  But if I'm in my boss's office, we keep the door open. Things like that to make it work. I don't go out to eat one on one with men. Though I have gone in a group occasionally.


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#10 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:53 AM

Honestly. In this situation -- I'd suggest going stroller walking with him. It'd be nice to stroll around the block with my husband and not have to worry about what to do with the kids while we do.

If you are not feeling heard -- that is a problem that needs to be worked on regardless of the other issue.  (I, too, try not to be alone with one other man. SOmetimes interesting given we have so few females in our business.  But if I'm in my boss's office, we keep the door open. Things like that to make it work. I don't go out to eat one on one with men. Though I have gone in a group occasionally.

 

I can go with him and may do that, but currently I usually take dd out earlier in the day and just doing that is so hard because of the humidity and lack of ability to shower with no one else to watch her. So when he starts walking I could delay my morning walk with her and just go when he does.
 


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#11 Word Nerd

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:19 AM

But, had there been any situation where I knew there was some tension there, some possibility in the mind of the co-worker or myself, I wouldn't have entertained it. Better to keep the boundaries strong.

 

This. When I was still single, I had a crush on an older married co-worker who was in a different department. There were some signals indicating it wasn't a one-sided attraction, though it wasn't anything overt and by all appearances he was happily married. It wouldn't be a big deal at all for me to go out to lunch with most of my male co-workers in general, but it would have been completely stupid if I had ever met up with this particular one. Nothing would have happened even if we had gone to lunch or whatever and it's not like I would have ever chased someone else's husband, but that doesn't mean it would have been a good idea or completely innocuous.


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#12 mamaraby

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:36 AM

I can go with him and may do that, but currently I usually take dd out earlier in the day and just doing that is so hard because of the humidity and lack of ability to shower with no one else to watch her. So when he starts walking I could delay my morning walk with her and just go when he does.


Do it! Dh and I run together on a regular basis. When my kids were younger, we'd stick them on bikes and we'd all go together. Dh and I got to spend time together, the kids were entertained, and it required zero cost and no babysitter. We spent hours that way for a long time before the kids were old enough to stay home by themselves. Now they never want to go with us, but dh and I still do it together. I have to bribe my kids to get them to do it now because it's sooooo booooring. Punks.
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#13 marbel

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:41 AM

This. When I was still single, I had a crush on an older married co-worker who was in a different department. There were some signals indicating it wasn't a one-sided attraction, though it wasn't anything overt and by all appearances he was happily married. It wouldn't be a big deal at all for me to go out to lunch with most of my male co-workers in general, but it would have been completely stupid if I had ever met up with this particular one. Nothing would have happened even if we had gone to lunch or whatever and it's not like I would have ever chased someone else's husband, but that doesn't mean it would have been a good idea or completely innocuous.

 

When I was single and working with a lot of men, I was amazed at some of them, how easy it was to be unfaithful* to their wives.  Even in a group, sometimes, it was obvious which coworkers were 'together' even if one or both was married. But so often as a single woman I was propositioned in a very casual way.  And then I would see these guys at family functions with their wives and they looked so happily married.  Ick.

 

*I don't necessarily mean having sex with someone else.  But close dancing, kissing on the dance floor...or out in the car in the parking lot of the bar...  I consider that being unfaithful.  


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#14 Danae

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:53 AM

In the middle of the media storm over Pence's comment there was an interview with a former subordinate who said he rarely ate dinner with male or female colleagues because whenever possible he went home to eat dinner with his family. My thought was that if you want to talk about prioritizing marriage that is the part you should emphasize. Avoiding sitting down for lunch with an opposite sex coworker but spending your after work time hanging out with same sex coworkers is not prioritizing your marriage. Having a working lunch with a colleague (of whatever gender), if it means you can get out the door earlier to spend time with your spouse, is prioritizing your marriage.
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#15 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:54 AM

Do it! Dh and I run together on a regular basis. When my kids were younger, we'd stick them on bikes and we'd all go together. Dh and I got to spend time together, the kids were entertained, and it required zero cost and no babysitter. We spent hours that way for a long time before the kids were old enough to stay home by themselves. Now they never want to go with us, but dh and I still do it together. I have to bribe my kids to get them to do it now because it's sooooo booooring. Punks.

 

I've tried before. He won't walk at my speed, so we end up walking basically separately. It was no fun for me. But another coworker that was injured would go walking with him and he'd walk at her pace. He's a foot taller than me so he has a much bigger stride. I can't keep up with him. Just like when we go to the movies we don't even sit together because of similar things. They are going to walk on a walking track. It's more likely I'll end up talking to another mom than actually socializing with my spouse.
 



#16 Liz CA

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:55 AM

I think a lot depends on how the spouse is feeling. If I know someone's spouse is anxious about their relationship or worried about me getting too close, I would do everything I can to dispel this myth and make sure I am never in a situation that could be misunderstood.

Same with my dh. If I think he would rather that I don't drive around with my male supervisor / coworker, I take my own car.

Lunches in groups is one thing, one on one candlelight dinners may be just as harmless...or not.

We all know where we are going with something. Thought precedes action.


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#17 Liz CA

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:56 AM

I've tried before. He won't walk at my speed, so we end up walking basically separately. It was no fun for me. But another coworker that was injured would go walking with him and he'd walk at her pace. He's a foot taller than me so he has a much bigger stride. I can't keep up with him. Just like when we go to the movies we don't even sit together because of similar things. They are going to walk on a walking track. It's more likely I'll end up talking to another mom than actually socializing with my spouse.
 

 

Does he know how you feel about this or is he really clueless?


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#18 okbud

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:59 AM

When I was single and working with a lot of men, I was amazed at some of them, how easy it was to be unfaithful* to their wives. Even in a group, sometimes, it was obvious which coworkers were 'together' even if one or both was married. But so often as a single woman I was propositioned in a very casual way. And then I would see these guys at family functions with their wives and they looked so happily married. Ick.

*I don't necessarily mean having sex with someone else. But close dancing, kissing on the dance floor...or out in the car in the parking lot of the bar... I consider that being unfaithful.



Cough deployments cough

Ahem. Sorry. Had a little frog in my throat. Not a prince, mind you. AN ALARMING NUMBER OF FROGS
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#19 okbud

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 12:00 PM

I've tried before. He won't walk at my speed, so we end up walking basically separately. It was no fun for me. But another coworker that was injured would go walking with him and he'd walk at her pace. He's a foot taller than me so he has a much bigger stride. I can't keep up with him. Just like when we go to the movies we don't even sit together because of similar things. They are going to walk on a walking track. It's more likely I'll end up talking to another mom than actually socializing with my spouse.


This just flat out is not OK.
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#20 DawnM

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 12:26 PM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

Just to let you know, this would bother me.  I am sorry.

 

My DH has had lunches with coworkers but it has been while he is away at the conference and that woman is the only one he knows who is from his office.  Or he meets with a client who happens to be a woman.  But it isn't the same one and it doesn't impact me at all because it is during his working hours.


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#21 DawnM

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 12:29 PM

When I was single and working with a lot of men, I was amazed at some of them, how easy it was to be unfaithful* to their wives.  Even in a group, sometimes, it was obvious which coworkers were 'together' even if one or both was married. But so often as a single woman I was propositioned in a very casual way.  And then I would see these guys at family functions with their wives and they looked so happily married.  Ick.

 

*I don't necessarily mean having sex with someone else.  But close dancing, kissing on the dance floor...or out in the car in the parking lot of the bar...  I consider that being unfaithful.  

 

What??????

 

I must be completely clueless.  I haven't seen this.  I am not saying it doesn't happen at all, just that it hasn't been my experience.

I was SHOCKED to find out 2 coworkers were having an affair.  I was just so clueless.

 

I even carpooled with a married guy and sometimes the other 2 carpoolers didn't come with us.  No big deal at all.  We were very professional.  



#22 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 12:35 PM

Does he know how you feel about this or is he really clueless?

 

This just flat out is not OK.

 

Just to let you know, this would bother me.  I am sorry.

 

My DH has had lunches with coworkers but it has been while he is away at the conference and that woman is the only one he knows who is from his office.  Or he meets with a client who happens to be a woman.  But it isn't the same one and it doesn't impact me at all because it is during his working hours.

 

He is not clueless. He knows these things bother me. It first started when he'd meet with a former coworker during our family vacations. One time I was sitting at my MIL's house with the kids while he was out eating with 1-3 former colleagues. At least one of those times it was just the one. His own mother thought nothing of it. I feel like he doesn't see a problem because his own parents didn't frown upon it. I resented it and he'd say it was important to discuss work stuff (over beer at a Mexican restaurant?). She crossed a line in the future and he finally had to make boundaries. But I felt like I saw an issue all along and it wasn't an issue til things got clearly inappropriate (nothing physical happened). Since then he had the female workout buddy that I complained about and he gradually stopped working out because he got injured so he never had to be blunt with her. He just let it fizzle and complained that I ruined his only friendship at work (my reaction :nopity: ). So then when he comes to me a couple weeks ago all amped up to workout this summer again, he says he's proposed this stroller walking group with his coworkers and I'm over here like, "Here we go again. Why didn't you just invite your family and not involve coworkers?!" Ugh. It's the same stuff different look each time. And I really don't think he's cheating on me. I just think he gets more quality time with all the females he works with than his own wife. I guess that's it. That's my real complaint. If anyone wants to talk further you can PM me. I've hogged the thread enough lol


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#23 Scarlett

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 12:52 PM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

 

So what did you say to him?  Did you tell him you don't like it? 

 

You should not shove your feelings down.


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#24 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:03 PM

So what did you say to him?  Did you tell him you don't like it? 

 

You should not shove your feelings down.

 

He just said it was no big deal and that I was welcome to join them. I am not really shoving my feelings down, because I've already voiced them. But I am thinking that I'm talking to a wall at this point so maybe it's best to concentrate on what I can control, which is clearly not him or his actions. I just sound like a broken record and to him an over the top jealous person.
 



#25 AnnE-girl

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:06 PM

He is not clueless. He knows these things bother me. It first started when he'd meet with a former coworker during our family vacations. One time I was sitting at my MIL's house with the kids while he was out eating with 1-3 former colleagues. At least one of those times it was just the one. His own mother thought nothing of it. I feel like he doesn't see a problem because his own parents didn't frown upon it. I resented it and he'd say it was important to discuss work stuff (over beer at a Mexican restaurant?). She crossed a line in the future and he finally had to make boundaries. But I felt like I saw an issue all along and it wasn't an issue til things got clearly inappropriate (nothing physical happened). Since then he had the female workout buddy that I complained about and he gradually stopped working out because he got injured so he never had to be blunt with her. He just let it fizzle and complained that I ruined his only friendship at work (my reaction :nopity: ). So then when he comes to me a couple weeks ago all amped up to workout this summer again, he says he's proposed this stroller walking group with his coworkers and I'm over here like, "Here we go again. Why didn't you just invite your family and not involve coworkers?!" Ugh. It's the same stuff different look each time. And I really don't think he's cheating on me. I just think he gets more quality time with all the females he works with than his own wife. I guess that's it. That's my real complaint. If anyone wants to talk further you can PM me. I've hogged the thread enough lol


I know you don't want to take over the thread, but this just isn't cool at all of your husband. I'm sorry. I know all men aren't necessarily willing to do proactive marriage-building exercises, but DH and I are reading "Not Just Friends" together now, and it's helped with some communication stuff. It's specifically for repairing marriage after an affair, but also as a tool to help draw boundaries and protect your marriage. We haven't had any issues with infidelity, but he's a family law attorney, so we do more to work on our marriage than most couples.
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#26 DesertBlossom

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:08 PM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.


See, this would having me concerned too. A one-time lunch with a co-worker to get work done? Not a big deal. Arranging meetings with coworkers that are not necessary, especially while neglecting a spouse's wishes or needs... well, I don't think that's okay.
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#27 Scarlett

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:11 PM

He just said it was no big deal and that I was welcome to join them. I am not really shoving my feelings down, because I've already voiced them. But I am thinking that I'm talking to a wall at this point so maybe it's best to concentrate on what I can control, which is clearly not him or his actions. I just sound like a broken record and to him an over the top jealous person.
 

 

 

And it is true that you have to just focus on the person you can control which is you.  One thing you might say to him though is that he needs to realize that he is doing these things with full knowledge that you are not ok with it.  And that is hurtful to the relationship. 


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#28 Liz CA

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:11 PM

I'd see a counselor- either together or by yourself.

Since he knows you are bothered and he just blames you and does nothing to alleviate your discomfort, he needs a course in husbanding.

If you'd like him to go along with you, you could suggest you need some advice and put it all on you - that way he may be more willing to go. Hopefully, a good counselor will be able to show him how his actions impact you.


Edited by Liz CA, 21 April 2017 - 01:13 PM.

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#29 Word Nerd

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:34 PM

*I don't necessarily mean having sex with someone else.  But close dancing, kissing on the dance floor...or out in the car in the parking lot of the bar...  I consider that being unfaithful.  

 

I do too.


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#30 wendy not in HI

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:41 PM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

 

I hope it doesn't feel like we are piling on, here, just cautioning from my personal experience...

 

I think sometimes we need to listen to those feelings we have.  If he's going to lunch with many different co-workers, fine, but if it seems to often be just one, that would be a problem for me. 

 

I think you should try to join in on the stroller walking group with him and his co-worker, and if he discourages you for any reason, you really should beware.  Things happen and it is especially easy to keep things secret at work through work email and messaging and work phones.

 

If you are feeling the vibe, I'd recommend keeping tabs on it, innocent friendships can change.  There is a great book "NOT Just Friends" that is an eye opening read. It speaks to "after an affair" but it also lays out a plan for having good boundaries in any marriage


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#31 Happy2BaMom

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:47 PM

I've tried before. He won't walk at my speed, so we end up walking basically separately. It was no fun for me. But another coworker that was injured would go walking with him and he'd walk at her pace. He's a foot taller than me so he has a much bigger stride. I can't keep up with him. Just like when we go to the movies we don't even sit together because of similar things. They are going to walk on a walking track. It's more likely I'll end up talking to another mom than actually socializing with my spouse.
 

 

I'm sorry.....but WTF??????? That is a seriously sh**ty thing to do to your spouse. My husband would never do this (nor I to him). And we've been married 15+ years, so I ain't no romantic newlywed. 

 

There is a LOT more going on under the surface in your relationship.....IMHO, the whole co-worker thing is a distraction (or maybe symptom is a better word) that indicates a deeper underlying problem(s). 

 

I would be concerned if I were you (not to mention hurt, and belittled, etc) - not necessarily about the coworkers (although those may be risks), but about the state of my relationship. I agree you can't control him, but I would also encourage you to focus on how you are going to protect yourself if his behavior continues or worsens. And please find yourself a counselor or supportive friend who can keep your spirits up. You're not being treated very well. 

 

(putting soapbox away now) 


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#32 Murphy101

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 01:59 PM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.


Um. Heck yeah. Because he's being a donkey. I'd not be holding it back at all. You can't be heard if you aren't loud and clear.
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#33 Meriwether

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 02:02 PM

When I was single and working with a lot of men, I was amazed at some of them, how easy it was to be unfaithful* to their wives.  Even in a group, sometimes, it was obvious which coworkers were 'together' even if one or both was married. But so often as a single woman I was propositioned in a very casual way.  And then I would see these guys at family functions with their wives and they looked so happily married.  Ick.

 

*I don't necessarily mean having sex with someone else.  But close dancing, kissing on the dance floor...or out in the car in the parking lot of the bar...  I consider that being unfaithful.  

My BIL was appalled by the number of men who cheated on their wives on business trips.


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#34 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 02:12 PM

I know we have problems. Trying to get to a counseling is one of our problems. I'd have to find a couples therapist that has good availability and find a sitter to watch dd and/or ds so we can go. I've already tried individual counseling at an office that had "extended hours" and their hours weren't very flexible for us.


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#35 Sharon77

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 02:13 PM

I've thought about the thread a lot. I think a lot of my reasons for not liking dh to do it has to do with the fact that I seldom get any meals with just him. Meanwhile, he's eaten with a female coworker numerous times. In order for me to eat with just him I'd have to set up a sitter. Taking the toddler out to eat isn't very pleasant for either of us. And the fact that I've voiced my feelings and I don't feel heard. He recently suggested a stroller walking group with his female coworkers this summer. He thinks it's no big deal because it's just women and their kids (he'd take dd). I think, "why do you even initiate this kind of thing?" I'm trying to shove my feelings down because I sound insanely jealous.

 

I am an insanely jealous wife and I'm not embarrassed by it and my dh knows. 


Edited by Sharon77, 21 April 2017 - 02:14 PM.


#36 heartlikealion

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 02:20 PM

Um. Heck yeah. Because he's being a donkey. I'd not be holding it back at all. You can't be heard if you aren't loud and clear.

 

I just meant that I'm tired of feeling like a broken record and trying to hand this over to God I guess? My priest (who I didn't go into detail about it) said to just pray about it.



#37 Happy2BaMom

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 02:28 PM

I just meant that I'm tired of feeling like a broken record and trying to hand this over to God I guess? My priest (who I didn't go into detail about it) said to just pray about it.

 

I'm not a Christian, but it seems to me that God can't help when a husband has hardened his heart and has no interest in changing behavior that is damaging his relationship with his own wife and mother of his child(ren). 

 

I won't post anymore on this (to avoid de-railing anymore than I have), but *hugs* to you. You're in between a rock and a hard place and need to take care of yourself. These types of situations all too often don't end well. (sorry, not trying to knock you down any further, just hoping you realize you do need to put you first)


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#38 Scarlett

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 02:37 PM

I am an insanely jealous wife and I'm not embarrassed by it and my dh knows. 

 

 

My first husband accused me of being insanely jealous all of the time.  Turns out I wasn't. 


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#39 mamaraby

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 03:50 PM

I've tried before. He won't walk at my speed, so we end up walking basically separately. It was no fun for me. But another coworker that was injured would go walking with him and he'd walk at her pace. He's a foot taller than me so he has a much bigger stride. I can't keep up with him. Just like when we go to the movies we don't even sit together because of similar things. They are going to walk on a walking track. It's more likely I'll end up talking to another mom than actually socializing with my spouse.

That's not ok. I know you've replied further and you don't need piling on, but it's ok to speak up about it (again). Dh runs way faster than I do and yet he manages to run at my pace when we run. He's even run multiple races with me where he was more pacer than racer.

The faster person needs to slow down. It's common courtesy when you walk or run with another person and has nothing to do with being married people and everything to do with being fellow humans. That sucks and it's definitely more going on than just him going out to lunch. It doesn't even have to be "cheating" going on. It's just a lack of respect for a partner in life. You deserve more respect.

Edited by mamaraby, 21 April 2017 - 03:52 PM.

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#40 Sadie

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 05:27 PM

Being insanely jealous is a relationship killer, just as much as being a cheater is. It's not a quality that lends itself to intimacy. It's not something I'd be proud of, and it's a red flag in a potential partner or spouse.

 

 


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#41 Crimson Wife

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 06:06 PM

My BIL was appalled by the number of men who cheated on their wives on business trips.

 

I was appalled at the number of fellow Army wives who cheated on their husbands during the 2 weeks per month that they guys were in the field. So it goes both ways :thumbdown:
 


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#42 mom2scouts

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 06:33 PM

He is not clueless. He knows these things bother me. It first started when he'd meet with a former coworker during our family vacations. One time I was sitting at my MIL's house with the kids while he was out eating with 1-3 former colleagues. At least one of those times it was just the one. His own mother thought nothing of it. I feel like he doesn't see a problem because his own parents didn't frown upon it. I resented it and he'd say it was important to discuss work stuff (over beer at a Mexican restaurant?). She crossed a line in the future and he finally had to make boundaries. But I felt like I saw an issue all along and it wasn't an issue til things got clearly inappropriate (nothing physical happened). Since then he had the female workout buddy that I complained about and he gradually stopped working out because he got injured so he never had to be blunt with her. He just let it fizzle and complained that I ruined his only friendship at work (my reaction :nopity: ). So then when he comes to me a couple weeks ago all amped up to workout this summer again, he says he's proposed this stroller walking group with his coworkers and I'm over here like, "Here we go again. Why didn't you just invite your family and not involve coworkers?!" Ugh. It's the same stuff different look each time. And I really don't think he's cheating on me. I just think he gets more quality time with all the females he works with than his own wife. I guess that's it. That's my real complaint. If anyone wants to talk further you can PM me. I've hogged the thread enough lol

 

Oh no, no, no, no. This is not OK. If you've told him how you feel about this and he does it anyway, he's being totally disrespectful to you. My husband can be a bit clueless sometimes, but I'd be making it *extremely* clear that if he can't walk, workout, or eat a meal with his wife there's no way in h*ll he'll be setting up a stroller walking group with other women. :glare:


Edited by mom2scouts, 21 April 2017 - 06:34 PM.

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#43 Liz CA

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 06:47 PM

I just meant that I'm tired of feeling like a broken record and trying to hand this over to God I guess? My priest (who I didn't go into detail about it) said to just pray about it.

 

I am sorry that there is still advice being given by clergy that enables a spouse to mistreat the other spouse and is not in the least helpful. Not that I think praying doesn't do anything but it is not enough. Praying for direction and then going in that direction would be what I understand to be helpful.

You are not being inflexible, unreasonable or whatever. If anyone suggests this, just mentally plug your ears.

I'd make getting to counseling the #1 priority.


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#44 marbel

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 09:07 PM

I just meant that I'm tired of feeling like a broken record and trying to hand this over to God I guess? My priest (who I didn't go into detail about it) said to just pray about it.

 

This makes me so sad.   Of course praying is good, and you can't change your husband (I believe God can), but... it seems like the Church could do a little better.    

 

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."  (Ephesians 5:25, ESV)

 

    :grouphug:  :grouphug:‚Äč Heartlikealion 


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#45 Catwoman

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 09:36 PM

He just said it was no big deal and that I was welcome to join them. I am not really shoving my feelings down, because I've already voiced them. But I am thinking that I'm talking to a wall at this point so maybe it's best to concentrate on what I can control, which is clearly not him or his actions. I just sound like a broken record and to him an over the top jealous person.


If he says you're acting like a jealous person, tell him to stop prioritizing his female coworker over his wife and you won't have any more reason to be jealous.

The walking faster than you example you mentioned says so much about your dh's lack of respect for you. I think it's terrible that he treats you this way, yet is considerate of other women. Honestly, I hate to say this, but I'm seeing some pretty big red flags here. I would be very concerned about his relationship with the coworker. I would also start hiring babysitters so you can get out of the house more often -- with or without your dh -- so you can start to feel more confident about yourself as an individual. Buy some new clothes, go to the mall and get a makeover, and maybe join a club or a group that interests you.

Your dh seems to have an entire social life without you, and that's not right and it's not fair because you're stuck at home taking care of the kids while he does as he pleases. I really think you have to make it clear to him that things need to change. And remember that it's in his best interests to convince you that you're being silly and jealous and demanding. He's got a great thing going right now, and he's going to be reluctant to change the situation, but he needs to start being far more considerate of your needs and your feelings.

You are always such a nice person to everyone, and I'm so sorry he's not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. :grouphug:
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#46 Meriwether

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:29 PM

I was appalled at the number of fellow Army wives who cheated on their husbands during the 2 weeks per month that they guys were in the field. So it goes both ways :thumbdown:
 

No doubt.


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#47 Liz CA

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:41 PM


The walking faster than you example you mentioned says so much about your dh's lack of respect for you.

 

I would also start hiring babysitters so you can get out of the house more often -- with or without your dh -- so you can start to feel more confident about yourself as an individual. Buy some new clothes, go to the mall and get a makeover, and maybe join a club or a group that interests you.

Your dh seems to have an entire social life without you, and that's not right and it's not fair because you're stuck at home taking care of the kids while he does as he pleases. I really think you have to make it clear to him that things need to change. And remember that it's in his best interests to convince you that you're being silly and jealous and demanding. He's got a great thing going right now, and he's going to be reluctant to change the situation, but he needs to start being far more considerate of your needs and your feelings.

You are always such a nice person to everyone, and I'm so sorry he's not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. :grouphug:

 

This is a very good point. I remember the days of toddlers and one day blended into the next while I sat there in my sweatpants, handing out snacks, drinks and changing diapers all day long and speaking in monosyllabic words.

 

We have to preserve some essence of who we are and if nothing comes to mind, then take a while and contemplate what you would like to do if you were free to do what you want. Pick up a craft, join a gym, book club, anything to have other adults in your life who speak in complete sentences. :)  Then see what can be worked into your day and budget.

 

And I would still look for counseling as well.
 


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#48 Miss Peregrine

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 10:52 PM

Heartlikealion, my dh does similar things(preferential treatment towards others) and I understand. He has done things almost exactly like that(walking pace) to me. The fact is  that he denies it and there is nothing I can say, and I've tried, to get him to see it. I've given up.

 

It's hurtful, I know. I just want you to know that I hear you. <3


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#49 Arcadia

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Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:17 PM

Catching up about work/job opportunities at a public place isn't off. Mentoring kind of frequent meet ups can be tricky.

 If he's going to lunch with many different co-workers, fine, but if it seems to often be just one, that would be a problem for me. 

 
There was a "clueless" lady who used to work with my husband that would ask anyone and everyone for lunchtime grocery shopping. So sometimes it is four people in a car, sometimes just her and another colleague. My husband felt awkward after a few times of being the only passenger and other colleagues (even females) felt too when they are the only passenger. It won't feel as weird I guess if the grocery runs are like always on a certain weekday and it becomes a regular carpool for lunchtime grocery shopping. I had met her, her husband and their kid and she really behaves that oblivious to everyone at her child's birthday party.
 

I would also start hiring babysitters so you can get out of the house more often -- with or without your dh -- so you can start to feel more confident about yourself as an individual. Buy some new clothes, go to the mall and get a makeover, and maybe join a club or a group that interests you.
Your dh seems to have an entire social life without you, and that's not right and it's not fair because you're stuck at home taking care of the kids while he does as he pleases.

I agree.

Heartlikealion,

:grouphug: I can't help but feel like your husband is taking you for granted :( I would actually ramp up job hunting to help build up self esteem.
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#50 AimeeM

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Posted 22 April 2017 - 12:08 AM

One of DH's best friends (from far before he met me) is an older--single--woman. She's wonderful. She was professor of his when he was taking some courses long ago. She probably has about 15 years on DH, and a good 30 on me, and she's a great resource (and a lot of fun!). DH occasionally meets her for breakfast and once or twice has helped her with things at her house (like laying out flooring). She also comes to most of our family events (kids' birthdays, etc.). I don't know that I've ever thought too much about it. I like her quite a bit.

 

One of his good friends at the office is a woman. I know they go to lunch sometimes. He also plays the occasional video game with her. In this case, I know she isn't straight because she has a partner (whom she has been with for a long, long, long time). Even if she were straight, though, I think it's great that he has a friend who has a common interest with him that I have NO interest in, lol (a specific video game).

 

I think that anyone who feels they cannot or should not have meals with the opposite s*x is absolutely free to feel that way. I may not share those views, but I feel like they are valid and relative to the situation and the people involved. None of the aforementioned situations ring any alarm bells for me, but if they did, I would speak up. I know there is one male friend of mine that DH isn't fond of me spending time alone with, and I respect that. There are other male friends I've had over the years that he hasn't had any concerns about, so if he feels alarm bells, I ride on his end of caution. 


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