So, I talked to God for the first time in a year yesterday.........

[Joanne]

It was at the urging and prompting of a dear "in person" homeschool friend.

 

Last year, I began a regular morning routine of devotion with God. And within thirty days, child support was reduced to a ridiculously low amount, health insurance dropped, my dd's chronic condition excluded from care and soon, the custody battle.

 

The ensuing year has been.........difficult to say the least. I haven't posted many details, but it's been ..... awful.

 

I still believed but I did not want to talk to God. Not a bit. I felt punished, I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned. I was (and still am, really) angry, scared and {insert a lot of feeling words}

 

So, consequently, I've spent one of the hardest years of my life without relationship with God.

 

It's been a desert experience.

 

I've finally told my friend, my husband and my sister. I am going to call my Pastor. I'm telling "you guys".

 

Theology/doctrine/rhetoric is *hard* when the situation is complicated by blatant dysfunction and evil. It's psychologically difficult to take a look at "my part" when the errors elsewhere have been egregious.

 

Coming from 15 years of abuse that I am still coming to understand, it's hard to be vulnerable to what is, essentially, a patriarchal presence. It's hard to accept "The Church", a setting that has rewarded people where they should have seen the reality.

 

I'm praying to be willing to reconcile with God.

[Aubrey]

:grouphug:

[Ellie]

Praying for you, dear sister.

[Anne]

:grouphug:

 

I'm praying, too.

 

Anne

[WTMCassandra]

:grouphug:

 

That was a very courageous thing to post. I am praying and I fervently wish you well.

[Lovedtodeath]

I have been thinking about you and almost sent you a random hug the other day. You seemed like you needed one, and deserved it.

 

"The sacrifices to God are a broken spirit; a heart broken and crushed, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17)

"Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves." (Psalm 34:18)

(Isaiah 57:15; Hebrews 4:16; 1 John 2:1)

[Heather in Neverland]

Your post really touched me. Can I tell you something? I went 15 years without stepping foot inside a church (except for weddings and funerals). I was raised in a very "religious" family. My dad was a youth pastor. Our entire lives were wrapped up in the church.

 

Then when I was 14yo I found out my dad, my religious, pastor dad had been having an affair for years. It devastated our family in many ways and sent us all spiraling off in different painful directions. I turned my back on the church because I felt like it was all a sham. I mean here was my dad "leading teens to Christ" and praying all the right prayers and speaking all the right words...and all along he was cheating on my mom. I felt like you just couldn't trust the "fruits" of Christians. So I walked away.

 

I liked your metaphor of a desert. Mine was more like a jungle in a lot of ways. God used my dh who wasn't even a Christian himself to bring me back to Him. I can't tell you "and we all lived happily ever after" though. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad in over a decade. So I still have a lot to work through. But I have learned to run TO God instead of away from Him. Praying for your heart....:grouphug:

 

 

"I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am."

[CookieMonster]

Here is a trustworthy saying:

 

If we died with him

we will also live with him;

If we endure,

we will also reign with him.

If we disown him,

he will disown us;

If we are faithless,

he will remain faithful,

for he cannot disown himself.

 

No matter how many times I have been faithless, He has been faithful. He holds you in His hands, looks upon you with compassion, desires for you to get to know Him better, and waits patiently.

 

 

(II Timothy 11-13, NIV)

[Twinmom]

:grouphug:, Joanne.

 

Please remember that the church is not God Himself, only a group of very flawed individuals who need His love and forgiveness. God Himself can be counted on...far more so than His representatives! ;) Remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and continue seeking God as you are doing. He says if you seek Him, you'll find Him.

[Harriet Vane]

Being in the desert is awful. I applaud you, and thanks for sharing.

 

:grouphug:

[Jackie in NE]

Joanne, you are so courageous. After reading your post, I wondered if you've read the shack? I know there's a lot of discussion regarding the theology of the book, but I think it might really speak to you right now. I choose to believe some of the books themes on God's desire for reconciliation and fellowship with each of us. You might want to check it out. Stay with it. God is waiting for you. And thankfully, He's not in a hurry.

 

Hugs, Jackie

[Tree House Academy]

I have been where you are. When my grandfather died, I turned completely away from God. I had prayed for a miracle that never came. His death totally destroyed life as I had known it. He was the only man on earth that I trusted and he was gone. I will say that my hiatus from God was over 12 years long. I still struggle in my relationship with God in many way, but I am trying.

 

I think we have to remember that "forgiving" God is all relative. God did not take my pappy to ruin my life. He knew the time and the hour that pappy was to die and it was all part of His plan. He can see the future so far beyond what our human eyes can see and comprehend. I have to trust that His plan is greater than I can understand and what I really have to do is forgive myself for being angry with God.

 

My mom was telling me about The Shack yesterday. I put it on hold at my library.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[laughing lioness]

:grouphug:Joanne,

My dh was put in a terrible situation vocationally and professionally 2 yrs ago by the seminary that he worked for. As a result we have experienced profound hardship the past couple of years. We could have sued and won -a LOT-but we decided not to....It's a small world here and the effects of that could have been worse than the financial gain.... all of that to say, I KNOW how you feel. It's been a very difficult couple of years. I don't know if we'll ever recover financially, our kids struggle with bitterness, etc.etc. But in the end, regardless of it all, God is real. He loves you. He KNOWS. He holds your tears. You are still His girl and he sees and believes in the very best for you. He SEES you and he knows you by name.

I will pray that today and this week/month are the start of a new song for you. That the trials and troubles become so insignificant and that victory is your right hand companion.

You rock, Joanne. You encourage and bless so many others. You have truth and wisdeom beyond belief.

[HRAAB]

Joanne,

 

Your post really touched me. Some of it I could have written. I commend you in the courage it took to make that post and will remember you in my prayers.

 

Janet

[Christy B]

I understand.

 

The church has managed to put so much distance between me and God that I'm not sure I'll ever find my way back. Your post gives me hope that I might.

 

:grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Joanne you have had the sh*t end of the stick for sure and I can't imagine how difficult it would be to trust God in your circumstances.

I understand the desert, I wandered it for years. I am humbled that our God waits for us to come back and grateful beyond belief to be restored to a relationship with Him.

Praying for you.

[Happy]

Joanne...may your reconciliation with God be a sweet, refreshing one.

 

In reading your post, I am reminded of Job, who never knew why all those bad things happened to him (at first anyway) He only knew to trust in the Lord.

 

I've spent some time in the desert, angry, lost, afraid, and lonely. It is not a fun place. I'd even say things like I know there is a God, but I'll be @#$%$# if I'll serve someone so harsh. It is such a hard place to be. God pretty much let me sit and pout in my desert until I hated it enough to reach out to him. Then he led me out of it.

 

The only way out is through.

 

May your path be easier and may God pour out his blessings on your life until you find yourself camped by still waters and in green pastures.

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: to you Joanne. From someone who has been in the "desert" for a few, if not several, years now...there is hope. It's tough when you can't "feel" God. He is there, but it's hard when you just can't "feel" it. And, coming from an abusive situation...it presents a bunch of trust issues. I don't have the answers b/c I'm in the midst of a bunch of those very same issues and wading through them is really...daunting. But, this I do know...God is bigger than our problems, our discouragements, our ABUSE. You can be angry w/ God, yell at Him, scream at Him, tell him exactly how you feel about Him, about your situation, about how you feel betrayed, abandoned. He already knows it anyway. He is a BIG God...He can take it all. You have every right to feel the way you do. Let it all out and just tell God all about it...I'm sure you have done so many times. I'll be praying for you...that God will reveal Himself to you in a very tangible way. He will never leave you nor forsake you...even when you leave Him. He's waiting for You w/ open arms. You are a very courageous woman, Joanne. You have inspired and encouraged so many (myself included) on this board and I'm sure IRL as well. HAng in there and keep on keeping on. We are all here for you.

[Lovedtodeath]

Many of God's servants have struggled with this.

 

"Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds. Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted."—Habakkuk 1:3, 4, New International Version.

 

The Psalms also provide wise counsel for when we see the wicked prosper: "Be agitated, but do not sin. Have your say in your heart, upon your bed, and keep silent. Sacrifice the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust in Jehovah." "Do not show yourself heated up because of the evildoers. Do not be envious of those doing unrighteousness. For evildoers themselves will be cut off, but those hoping in Jehovah are the ones that will possess the earth."—4:4, 5; 37:1, 9.

 

God cannot lie, so in light of these scriptures, there may be more to learn and come to understand.

James 1:13 When under trial, let no one say: "I am being tried by God." For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.

 

 

Ec 9:11 because time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all.

Romans 9:14, 1 John 5:19 We know we originate with God, but the whole world is lying in the [power of the] wicked one.

 

Though determined to be loyal to God, Job did not understand why he suffered. In defense of his own righteousness he spoke of God as having the right to afflict the righteous as well as the wicked. (Job 32:2; 10:7; 16:17; 23:11; 33:8-12) Of course, we now know that in this Job was ‘speaking without knowledge,’ for it was Satan, not God, that was afflicting him. (Job 34:35)

 

I hope that begins to help some still struggling with these feelings.

[Julie in Austin]

"it's hard to be vulnerable to what is, essentially, a patriarchal presence"

 

Please forgive me if this comment isn't in line with your personal theology, but I wonder if it would be useful for you to spend some time doing a Bible study that focuses on the female/maternal metaphors for God. There are lots of mother hen, nursing mother, etc. images that might be helpful to you right now if "patriarchal" feels like a dirty word.

[Home'scool]

Joanne~

 

Are you familiar with this blog? http://adustyframe.com/

 

Her husband is in jail, she is raising her young son on her own, and many many of her posts deal with being "angry" at God but still finding a purpose to everything.

[Starr]

I think of being mad at God as a relationship. You've gone through terrible things and know for sure that sin is real. I'm sorry. I have a couple of thoughts on the "patriarchal presence". One is that females are just as sinful as males so switching gender doesn't uncomplicate the larger picture. For me God as Father is as a perfect Father. God is so much more than human. While He is available, full of grace and mercy,...he is not a "guy". The church is fallible and we all have our stories to tell. When things are bad and I refuse to talk to God I trust someone is doing it for me. :) I pray you find your way back into a relationship with God and along the way a community where you can worship and share your journey with others. Your straight forward honesty is encouraging.:grouphug:

[Storm Bay]

:grouphug: This is not an easy walk for you. I used to be in a rather abuseive church situation (not that that's your case, but it did come between me and God). fwiw, What I've come to see is the patriarchal nature of the modern church is man made, not scriptural, so I hope you can get past that in your personal devotion.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Karin

[FloridaLisa]

Last year, I began a regular morning routine of devotion with God. And within thirty days, child support was reduced to a ridiculously low amount, health insurance dropped, my dd's chronic condition excluded from care and soon, the custody battle.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you are going through this. What I see here is God drawing you to himself at the beginning of last year with full knowledge of the year ahead of you. As I understand God's sovereignty, He knew you'd have an awful year and He was drawing you into close fellowship with Him.

 

One of my dear, dear friends had something similar happen. She began intense Bible study one year and later that year her husband left her and her children. It was awful. The entire divorce, custody issues, finding a way to support herself and children was terrible. And yet, she related to me after she had gone through it that 1) she was so thankful that God had drawn her into intense Bible study so that she at least had that unchanging relationship to hang onto when everything else was pulled out from under her and 2) though she never wanted the divorce, she learned so much through it and grew so mightily close to the Lord and His provision and faithfulness, that she wouldn't give that up for anything.

 

Theology/doctrine/rhetoric is *hard* when the situation is complicated by blatant dysfunction and evil. It's psychologically difficult to take a look at "my part" when the errors elsewhere have been egregious.

 

Coming from 15 years of abuse that I am still coming to understand, it's hard to be vulnerable to what is, essentially, a patriarchal presence. It's hard to accept "The Church", a setting that has rewarded people where they should have seen the reality.

 

I'm praying to be willing to reconcile with God.

 

 

:grouphug: again. Words probably are insufficient. But I do pray that you will seek Him. He is faithful; He declares it and cannot lie -- it's not in His character. I pray that you will find love, joy, peace and forgiveness as you cast all of your cares on Him and He provides mightily for you. Unfortunately, not one human can do that for us. We all fall way short, even when we should know way better.

 

And a suggestion: in your devotion, ask God to give you a verse daily that you can cling to as you go through these hard times, as you learn to forgive and heal. That is completely within His will and He will do it. Post it on your fridge, on your bathroom mirror to continually fill up with the truth.

 

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us . . ." Eph. 3:20 I'll continue to pray this verse for you and I can't wait to hear the report from this year. May God be glorified as He works in you.

 

Lisa

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My first thought, while reading your post last night, was that you may not have been talking to God, or sensing His presence, but He's been there all along. One day, you'll look back, and see his fingerprints all over your life, especially in the darkest, dryest places.

 

I just had a thought, of my three year old, yelling at me, "You're not my friend anymore!", or "I don't like you!", or, her personal favorite, "I don't like your skin!" Of course, I don't leave just because she says these things to me, even if she stomps out of the room. I'm always there, waiting, and then welcoming her with open, loving arms.

 

Your God can't be wrapped up in a patriarchal package. He is a nurturing presence, too. And, He wants to wrap you up in his open, loving arms. I pray that you will allow Him to carry you through this desert experience, that you'll feel the strength of his loving arms around you, protecting you, whispering assuringly into your heart. Of course, you know that trusting God doesn't protect us from the evil in this world. But, He provides us with light in the darkness, and hope in the face of destruction. And, He will use this history that we're creating, to shape our destiny, to refine us and make us into the person he created us to be.

 

Hang on, sweet girl.

Suzanne

[OnTheBrink]

Joanne:

 

I'm going to share with you something that was said to me, when I was in the same sort of place you are now. And, I was really angry when this person said this and it took me years to finally figure out he was right.

 

Here it is: What's important isn't what has happened to you in the past, what matters is what you're going to do about it today.

 

Meaning: What's happened in the past is gone and over with. Yes, it affects you, certainly it's had an influence. Where we rise above our attackers/abusers is when we take the bad in our lives and refuse to allow it to dominate or identify who we are.

 

I firmly believe that God let's us choose how the negative in our lives molds us. It can cause us to be bitter, angry, wallow in pity, lash out OR it can cause us to run closer to Him, because no matter what, HE is still there and He does care and he wants us to depend on Him. This is a HARD lesson to learn and it took my own divorce to drive it home. And you know what? That hard, difficult divorce from a man who deceived me, cheated on me, then blamed me for it all was worth every second, because it brought me closer to God. It taught me that God can be trusted, even when every circumstance shows that He can't. He can. He wants your dependence on Him; he doesn't need proud mavericks, he wants humble servants.

 

Take the crap that's happened in your life and thank God for the opportunity to depend on Him, to rely on His promises and that every trial is for our ultimate good, even if it hurts or seems senseless at the time. Take responsibility for your own part in your circumstances (whatever that may be--I'm not accusing here, but no one is lily white in any situation), repent of any sinful behavior and attitudes and watch God's blessing fall upon you.

 

I hope you take this with the attitude in which it's intended--for your ultimate good and peace, not to accuse or hurt. I wish you peace with God and a blessed life and the ability to thank God for the icky, because He can use it to bless you and others. And, isn't that what life in Christ is about?

[Hillary in KS]

Joanne:

 

I'm going to share with you something that was said to me, when I was in the same sort of place you are now. And, I was really angry when this person said this and it took me years to finally figure out he was right.

 

Here it is: What's important isn't what has happened to you in the past, what matters is what you're going to do about it today.

 

Meaning: What's happened in the past is gone and over with. Yes, it affects you, certainly it's had an influence. Where we rise above our attackers/abusers is when we take the bad in our lives and refuse to allow it to dominate or identify who we are.

 

I firmly believe that God let's us choose how the negative in our lives molds us. It can cause us to be bitter, angry, wallow in pity, lash out OR it can cause us to run closer to Him, because no matter what, HE is still there and He does care and he wants us to depend on Him. This is a HARD lesson to learn and it took my own divorce to drive it home. And you know what? That hard, difficult divorce from a man who deceived me, cheated on me, then blamed me for it all was worth every second, because it brought me closer to God. It taught me that God can be trusted, even when every circumstance shows that He can't. He can. He wants your dependence on Him; he doesn't need proud mavericks, he wants humble servants.

 

Take the crap that's happened in your life and thank God for the opportunity to depend on Him, to rely on His promises and that every trial is for our ultimate good, even if it hurts or seems senseless at the time. Take responsibility for your own part in your circumstances (whatever that may be--I'm not accusing here, but no one is lily white in any situation), repent of any sinful behavior and attitudes and watch God's blessing fall upon you.

 

I hope you take this with the attitude in which it's intended--for your ultimate good and peace, not to accuse or hurt. I wish you peace with God and a blessed life and the ability to thank God for the icky, because He can use it to bless you and others. And, isn't that what life in Christ is about?

 

That was beautiful. Thank you!

[Storm Bay]

Joanne:

 

Here it is: What's important isn't what has happened to you in the past, what matters is what you're going to do about it today.

 

Meaning: What's happened in the past is gone and over with. Yes, it affects you, certainly it's had an influence. Where we rise above our attackers/abusers is when we take the bad in our lives and refuse to allow it to dominate or identify who we are.

 

I firmly believe that God let's us choose how the negative in our lives molds us.

 

 

This is very true. I grew up with abuse, and have to say that forgiving and moving on were key to me. Also, I find that whenever I strengthen my relationship with God, lots of negative things start to happen, but as I stay firm in my resolve, these back off. Not that life is ever problem free, but there aren't any promises in the Bible about having a stress and problem free life. Instead, there are verses there to help us handle them Biblically, first and foremost in our minds. Yes, it's a lot of work at times.

 

It's very difficult to move past our past, but so freeing when we do. fwiw, I didn't really do this until I was in my mid-forties, so it took me a long, long time.

[muffinmom]

It always saddens me when patriarchal becomes a bad word. It is only so because of what humans have done to the idea. The concept of father--as it was meant to be--is something we all want and need, and God is that Father. Trust that He is what He says He is--and in your case, that may require more trust than for others.

 

Bless you, Joanne, on this journey! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Joanne]

This is very true. I grew up with abuse, and have to say that forgiving and moving on were key to me. Also, I find that whenever I strengthen my relationship with God, lots of negative things start to happen, but as I stay firm in my resolve, these back off. Not that life is ever problem free, but there aren't any promises in the Bible about having a stress and problem free life. Instead, there are verses there to help us handle them Biblically, first and foremost in our minds. Yes, it's a lot of work at times.

 

It's very difficult to move past our past, but so freeing when we do. fwiw, I didn't really do this until I was in my mid-forties, so it took me a long, long time.

 

I feel the need to respond to the last couple of posts. While my marriage was certainly abusive, it does not define my current life. I have, in fact, processed and moved on as healthfully as I can.

 

However, the abuse and abuse dynamic continue. I haven't posted details on this site or in this thread, but there continues to be events, issues and problems. This, btw, is common in situations where children are involved and a woman has ended the marital relationship with the father.

 

In many practical, and even some emotional ways, I *have* built a productive life in spite of the challenges imposed on me by these recent events. My husband works 7 days a week to pay bills, legal bills, medical bills, medical insurance. I work 6 days a week, and for a short while, 3 jobs trying to do the same.

 

{edit personal info}

 

Since this thread is about my feelings and experience, I want to make sure that I'm clear about the fact that my silence with God isn't because He allowed me to find, participate in and last 15 years in an abusive relationship.

Edited February 5, 2009 by Joanne

[Alice]

I went through a similar "desert" spiritually about two years ago. For me there was nothing in my life that changed just that I felt like God's presence was gone. This was devestating to me as I couldn't understand it. I felt like I wanted to feel him but couldn't.

 

I hate to recommend a book because that feels cold...but for me the most helpful thing was reading Phillip Yancey's book on Prayer. Specifically he has a chapter on praying in the desert. I read that chapter over and over again during a 6 month period and found great solace in it.

 

The other thing that helped was to forget about "devotion" or "spending time with God". My prayers pretty much were "God, where are you and why are you doing this to me". I'm not speaking to the theological correctness of that statement but it was what I felt and what I said to God. Another friend who went through a time of depression and great spiritual struggle told me her prayers were "Help me." That's it. Our pastor said to her that was pretty much all that she needed to say.

 

ETA: For me it did end. I can't pinpoint a specific thing I did or experience that ended it. But gradually God began to reveal Himself to me again and the desert was over.

[lynn]

Thank you for posting this. I have not gone through anything you have but have had my own troubles that have kept me from church. I have made honest efforts of bible study and praying again. There are things I just do not understand and I am tired of hearing "All things work together for good" "God is teaching you something" I am hurt and I want answers. I want to know why some things happened the way they did and continue to happen just different names and faces. I'll stop rambling but the desert or as one lady put it the jungle is an interesting place to be. Lonely at times, sad at times but also a time for growing and learning how strong you really are.

 

Blessings....and :grouphug:

[Guest janainaz]

You've gotten so many great responses, I'll stick mine in too.

 

I was so angry, p.o.'d at God about 6 years ago - just all my anger came to a boiling point in my heart. I was very angry with the parents He chose for me because they caused me so much turmoil and strife, broke my heart, I could go on for a century about the damage. I was also at the place where I saw my own dysfunction, sin - whatever and I felt like it was all just dumped in my lap to deal with. I was a new Christian going to church and I felt so bitter about the pressure to become "what God has called me to be". It still ticks me off when I hear that. In fact, I'm still pretty ticked about a lot of stuff that the "church" comes up with.

 

I yelled, screamed, ignored, cried, you name it - silent treatment - all of it - did it all to God - at God for quite some time. It really did feel like he just kind of sat back and watched me hurt without intervention in my life. I looked at him like he had the character traits of my parents. Not a pretty picture.

 

All in all, it is very hard to be here, here on earth and feel good just "knowing" God exists and that he's there. The truth is, it totally sucks being human because we can't really see him. It feels quite often like I'm talking to the air. I've prayed for two decades for my mother - and have to go on faith every day that God hears me. It's not easy. None of it is easy and Christians bringing the law back in to the plan does not make it any easier.

Sometimes it is so hard and I believe that God understands wholeheartedly the anger in your heart. I think He'd rather you be you and be angry and "know" you - rather than having someone who says the right things, but deep inside feels something else. I just have to be raw.

 

Lastly, I've seen the miracles in my life. I know God exists, I know He cares, He is personally involved in my life, but sometimes it just does not feel that way. At my angriest point I wanted to know just where the heck God was when certain things were happening and He did show me and it blew my mind.

 

Just keep being real with your feelings. God is not going anywhere.

[Liz CA]

:grouphug:, Joanne.

 

Please remember that the church is not God Himself, only a group of very flawed individuals who need His love and forgiveness. God Himself can be counted on...far more so than His representatives! ;) Remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and continue seeking God as you are doing. He says if you seek Him, you'll find Him.

 

Very true! I can also relate to Joanne's statement that when one has a less than favorable history with fathers or husbands that it's often hard to trust God completely - and the patriarchal system of our churches, the pastors.

It's been a process, a struggle at times and always a challenge but worth the effort.

[Elaine]

It was at the urging and prompting of a dear "in person" homeschool friend.

 

Last year, I began a regular morning routine of devotion with God. And within thirty days, child support was reduced to a ridiculously low amount, health insurance dropped, my dd's chronic condition excluded from care and soon, the custody battle.

 

The ensuing year has been.........difficult to say the least. I haven't posted many details, but it's been ..... awful.

 

I still believed but I did not want to talk to God. Not a bit. I felt punished, I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned. I was (and still am, really) angry, scared and {insert a lot of feeling words}

 

So, consequently, I've spent one of the hardest years of my life without relationship with God.

 

It's been a desert experience.

 

I've finally told my friend, my husband and my sister. I am going to call my Pastor. I'm telling "you guys".

 

Theology/doctrine/rhetoric is *hard* when the situation is complicated by blatant dysfunction and evil. It's psychologically difficult to take a look at "my part" when the errors elsewhere have been egregious.

 

Coming from 15 years of abuse that I am still coming to understand, it's hard to be vulnerable to what is, essentially, a patriarchal presence. It's hard to accept "The Church", a setting that has rewarded people where they should have seen the reality.

 

I'm praying to be willing to reconcile with God.

 

 

((Joanne)) I am in that spot now. For the first time in my adult life and the first time as a Christian, I am angry with God. I haven't prayed in months and I have no desire to do so now. The past year and a half has been the hardest that I have ever lived through.

 

I am completely dismayed and disillusioned by God's sovereignty. I don't understand it and I don't like it. It all seems very arbitrary and random somehow. I don't know.

 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. I can't say that I will pray for you, but you will be in my thoughts.

[Lovedtodeath]

"It will actually occur that before they call out I myself shall answer; while they are yet speaking, I myself shall hear."—Isaiah 65:24.

 

"Please help" is enough. He knows what you need.

 

 

There are things I just do not understand and I am tired of hearing "All things work together for good" "God is teaching you something" I am hurt and I want answers.

 

'God, Why Did You Allow This?'

Claims that God is somehow an accomplice to suffering, that he is unable to prevent it, or that suffering is a mere figment of our imagination offer scant comfort to those who suffer. And more important, such beliefs are utterly at odds with the just, dynamic, and caring God who is revealed in the pages of the Bible. (Job 34:10, 12; Jeremiah 32:17; 1 John 4:8) What, then, does the Bible say about the reason why suffering has been permitted?

 

Why Does God Permit Suffering?

 

And the problems with the church were foretold as well: Acts 20:31 "Pay attention to yourselves and to all the flock, among which the holy spirit has appointed YOU overseers, to shepherd the congregation of God, which he purchased with the blood of his own [son]. 29 I know that after my going away oppressive wolves will enter in among YOU and will not treat the flock with tenderness, 30 and from among YOU yourselves men will rise and speak twisted things to draw away the disciples after themselves."