sassenach Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Not sure if I can encapsulate this whole dilemma in a post, but I'm going to try. Background: we have a medically fragile 24yo who is on his 4th hospitalization in a year. I had a trip planned to Spain with my oldest daughter. I have never traveled beyond this continent and this was going to be a big adventure. This dd moved across the country last year and I haven't had time with her since august. Dh has done a ton of recent travel, including a trip to Greece and Turkey last month. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but ds was still up and down. He's getting discharged today. I got a full refund on my ticket. I could possibly rebook (for less than I originally spent) and pick up the trip when dd and friends move over to Madrid. It would involve leaving tomorrow evening. It would give me 2 1/2 days with her. Pros: I would get time with DD, get to see Madrid (a place that DH is not interested in visiting so probably my one chance) and the Taylor Swift concert we have tickets for. I've already spent the money on accommodations. counterpoints: I saw TS last year, so I can survive without (and it was never my personal motivation for joining them on this trip), DD and I have plans for me to fly out and get time with her in July and visit NYC as a replacement for this trip. Cons: I'm tired. I've been sleeping in a hospital for 11 days. If I go, I will have to be back at work 2 days later. It's a lot of travel for such a very short visit, ds is freshly discharged which means he can always tank again, dh is worn this from this admission and while he would suck it up, I think being home alone with ds would be really hard on him. Counterpoints: dh does all sorts of travel and I am always the one that holds down the fort. While it's not his fault that the timing of this admission ruined my trip and not his, I don't want to make the decision solely based on accommodating him. My other dd pointed out that if I wait for ds to be totally stable, I will never go anywhere. I'm torn. On one hand, this is a one time opportunity. I will probably never visit Spain if I don't go now (though one full day will be at the concert, so not really getting much of Spain). On the other hand, I'm truly exhausted and the safe choice would be to use the rest of my week off to chill out at home, get time with dh and reset to go back to work in a week. What would the hive do? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 You can sleep on the airplane. Get packing. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Go visit dd. Be glad for the time you have together. No other metrics as far as time or money matter on this one, and dh can hold the fort this time. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 (edited) The only thing that gives me pause is how little time you actually have with your daughter. And since you have a replacement trip plan to New York City with her, I think I would be fine skipping this trip. If I were you. Edited May 27 by Scarlett 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Also, even if you ever can visit Spain again...would it be with your daughter? Go, build these memories...just do it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Oh man. I would be really torn on this. Because being exhausted and only having a couple days. Could you stay longer and tour alone? If I could have the week, I'd be more prone to go and muddle through the time with DD and enjoy sight seeing the Madrid area (I was in Spain including Madrid just before covid - amazing!) If you were locked to only like 3 days, I'd have a lot harder time deciding because that isn't enough time to really rest and get through jet lag. Have you talked to your daughter about it? I might take your lead on her tone. Like if my young adult kid was disappointed at all, this would probably have me packing. I'm sorry you're having a rough period, I hope your son is truly on the mend now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I'd have to take the time to reset or I'd likely become very ill myself. But that's me and my chronic health issues and (lack of) energy/very low tolerance for stress. If you think you can handle it then go for it. I wouldn't worry (much) about your DH. Sounds like he owes you. I hope your DS is feeling better. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 (edited) I've had very similar experiences the last 4 years with my 22 ds (also medically fragile). I've done the trips to have quality time with my other kids and a couple with my dh. We have the benefit of other ya children living in the home to help support ds while I've been on the trips. I've been torn about travelling, but I also know that I'm 100% there with ds for all the other time while I'm at home. I can't recommend either option, only you can make that decision. If it were me, I'd go to Spain. I missed one chance to visit Barcelona back in the 90s when the Gulf war broke out, and I've never had a chance to go since. Hope your ds recovers well. Big hugs! It's tough living through this and being "strong" emotionally and physically. Edited May 27 by wintermom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 If it were me, I would go on the trip. Yes, it's a short time. Yes, you will be tired. Yes, you didn't see all that you might have wanted. But it's time for you (and your DD). That is fleeting with young adults. Can you upgrade to a nicer seat so you can sleep better? I did such a trip (I don't have a medically fragile family member) last year. 2.5 days in Israel right after the war began for my best friend's son's wedding. I pushed hard trying to see friends and family and dance my feet off at the wedding. I was so glad I made the trip! Good luck in making a tough decision. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 (edited) If you are able to sleep on the plane and handle the jet lag (I’m not), it may be worth it to travel for a weekend with your daughter. But as you said, you are going to see very little of the city and it will be a stressful rush to pack as much as possible into a day and a half. If it were me, I’d go for the trip to New York and have a relaxed time with Dd. July is around the corner. Even if it seems unlikely now, you and Dd could plan to go to Madrid in the future for a more leisurely experience. Edited May 27 by Hannah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 All the best for your son’s recovery! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I would go, acknowledging that ds could pass, that dh is tired, that this is not the trip you hoped it would be…. Snatch the moments of joy you can find. They are fleeting. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I would talk to my employer and try to arrange an additional day or two off so I could extend my time in Madrid. Spend a couple of days with Dd, and a day or two on your own exploring at your own pace. Alone time can be so restorative. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Go on the trip. And no need to feel guilty for going. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I love traveling and understand the disappointment of having missed your trip. That said, given your backstory, I would be so exhausted that I wouldn't be able to enjoy much of the 2.5 days in Spain. The trip would just wipe me out even more, so that I'd probably end up sick as well as tired when it came time to return to work. I would promise myself a trip to Spain sometime in the future, and look forward to the New York trip with my dd. I also think it may be wise to make an agreement with your DH that you both need to take turns with things like this. I don't know why he wasn't the one staying in the hospital with your DS while you were supposed to be on a trip with your DD, but I hope he will step up in this way the next time you have big bucket-list plans. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 I say go. You could even skip the concert and spend that day seeing some sites or walking around absorbing the city on a Rick Steve's City Walk. It will become a family story and your dd will appreciate the sacrifice to see her. If you never get back then you will have been, and if you do get back you will know what you want to see. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 I would be exhausted and the trip would compound that. I would stay home and regroup myself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen A Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 I hope your son continues to improve and stays stable and at home. I find international travel exhausting, don't sleep well in planes, and it would NOT be worth it for me for such a short time there, having jet lag, being already exhausted. I know myself. There are others who can just "go go go!" and maybe you are one of them, don't need much sleep, etc. I always like a day at home after a vacation before I have to go back to work. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali in OR Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 I feel for you. We had a rough week with our seizure kid--did not end up in ER but we were on the edge of it. And it made me think, I can never travel away from her at this time of year (we seem to always have cluster seizure issues as days get longer). Is your dd in Spain for awhile? Could a fall trip be a possibility? I totally understand if it just.doesn't. work. right now. It's so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 Do you have to choose between taking this short trip to Spain and the longer one to NYC? Or can you do both? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 54 minutes ago, Karen A said: I hope your son continues to improve and stays stable and at home. I find international travel exhausting, don't sleep well in planes, and it would NOT be worth it for me for such a short time there, having jet lag, being already exhausted. I know myself. There are others who can just "go go go!" and maybe you are one of them, don't need much sleep, etc. I always like a day at home after a vacation before I have to go back to work. 1 hour ago, BusyMom5 said: I would be exhausted and the trip would compound that. I would stay home and regroup myself. I just got back from an overseas trip and this is how I feel. Id only consider it if I could afford first class seats. I have great difficulty sleeping on a plane and hate airports - then to have a concert take up a whole day, that's sounds miserable to me. I hate the idea of missing a trip but I don't think it would be worth it to me unless I could make it longer. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted May 28 Author Share Posted May 28 You all are as torn as I am! I talked it through with my best friend and she felt strongly that I would tank my health if I tried to pull this all off. As soon as she said it, I felt relieved. I think I felt like I needed to push through but the truth is that I'm exhausted. Her prescription is for me to go to a spa later this week and get some actual down time. So that's what I'm doing. DD and I will get time in July and Spain will be there down the road. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted May 28 Author Share Posted May 28 17 hours ago, SKL said: I love traveling and understand the disappointment of having missed your trip. That said, given your backstory, I would be so exhausted that I wouldn't be able to enjoy much of the 2.5 days in Spain. The trip would just wipe me out even more, so that I'd probably end up sick as well as tired when it came time to return to work. I would promise myself a trip to Spain sometime in the future, and look forward to the New York trip with my dd. I also think it may be wise to make an agreement with your DH that you both need to take turns with things like this. I don't know why he wasn't the one staying in the hospital with your DS while you were supposed to be on a trip with your DD, but I hope he will step up in this way the next time you have big bucket-list plans. In his defense, he has 2 slipped discs and had leg surgery in February. I have totally banned him from doing the overnights because I do not need 2 patients and his body would not survive chair sleeping. Believe me, he has offered. Ds had a super long admission a few years back and the hospital felt bad for us and gave us a real bed. Dh and I did 1:1 switch offs for that stay. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 1 minute ago, sassenach said: In his defense, he has 2 slipped discs and had leg surgery in February. I have totally banned him from doing the overnights because I do not need 2 patients and his body would not survive chair sleeping. Believe me, he has offered. Ds had a super long admission a few years back and the hospital felt bad for us and gave us a real bed. Dh and I did 1:1 switch offs for that stay. I didn't mean to assume anything. He's off the hook this time. 🙂 But next time .... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 52 minutes ago, sassenach said: You all are as torn as I am! I talked it through with my best friend and she felt strongly that I would tank my health if I tried to pull this all off. As soon as she said it, I felt relieved. I think I felt like I needed to push through but the truth is that I'm exhausted. Her prescription is for me to go to a spa later this week and get some actual down time. So that's what I'm doing. DD and I will get time in July and Spain will be there down the road. I am glad you made a decision and you made peace with it. It sounds like it was the best thing for you. I am sorry your trip got cancelled. Maybe your dd can sell your Taylor ticket, so you are not out that money? If it was me I would have chosen to stay home. I have no clue how tired you are, but doing all that travel and jet lag for 2 days there is nuts to me. I could not do that. I hope your son's recovery goes well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 28 Share Posted May 28 1 hour ago, sassenach said: You all are as torn as I am! I talked it through with my best friend and she felt strongly that I would tank my health if I tried to pull this all off. As soon as she said it, I felt relieved. I think I felt like I needed to push through but the truth is that I'm exhausted. Her prescription is for me to go to a spa later this week and get some actual down time. So that's what I'm doing. DD and I will get time in July and Spain will be there down the road. I am so happy to hear this. July is just around the corner 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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