Christmas gift giving etiquette. Am I the only one?

[Indigo Blue]

Have you ever exchanged gifts with a family member who opens their gift right in front of you and has absolutely no response or reaction? No words. Just set it aside and open the next?

I’ve had this happen with several young adults/older teens and one adult family member. (No, it’s not my mom). 
 

I mean, just open it, set it aside and there is just a complete nonplussed reaction? When it has happened, it makes me ask internal questions. Do they not like it? Etc.
 

Lol. I know how we’ve discussed here in the board how many just get stuff that we don’t want or need and unceremoniously dump it off at Goodwill or something. Maybe that’s what they did….I don’t know or really care. It’s just that in that moment, it’s just a bit awkward. 
 

I’m just really glad that I no longer have to shop for anyone but immediate family. 
 

So is this very uncommon? Or does this happen in your family?

I confess that I do put thought into gifts and it hurts my feelings just a tad, but I get over it. No biggie. Just wondering if others experience this. 

[alisoncooks]

I’ve seen that, in children that are in a gift-opening frenzy. Just one after another, with little reaction or gratitude between. (I hate that.) 

I’ve never encountered that from an adult. 
 

ETA: on second thought…my DH might be guilty of lack-of-response. He doesn’t always know how to respond and, while he’s grateful, he seems apathetic when opening presents. He’s just awkward. 

Edited November 8, 2023 by alisoncooks

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, alisoncooks said:

I’ve seen that, in children that are in a gift-opening frenzy. Just one after another, with little reaction or gratitude between. (I hate that.) 

I’ve never encountered that from an adult. 

Oh, yes, we’ve had the awful gift opening frenzy in years past. On one side. The other side is more civilized. 
 

 

[Indigo Blue]

I know little children do this, but I am mainly wondering about full grown adults or older teens. 

[Faith-manor]

3 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Have you ever exchanged gifts with a family member who opens their gift right in front of you and has absolutely no response or reaction? No words. Just set it aside and open the next?

I’ve had this happen with several young adults/older teens and one adult family member. (No, it’s not my mom). 
 

I mean, just open it, set it aside and there is just a complete nonplussed reaction? When it has happened, it makes me ask internal questions. Do they not like it? Etc.
 

Lol. I know how we’ve discussed here in the board how many just get stuff that we don’t want or need and unceremoniously dump it off at Goodwill or something. Maybe that’s what they did….I don’t know or really care. It’s just that in that moment, it’s just a bit awkward. 
 

I’m just really glad that I no longer have to shop for anyone but immediate family. 
 

So is this very uncommon? Or does this happen in your family?

I confess that I do put thought into gifts and it hurts my feelings just a tad, but I get over it. No biggie. Just wondering if others experience this. 

It always happens with Dh's sister, and my brother's wife. It was deliberate. They are both very not nice people. His sister would actually dictate to his mother the exact gift she wanted often costing hundreds of dollars which mil would spend to "keep the peace" with her, and then she would open it, roll her eyes, and put it aside. Not.a.word. She is now on the $25 gift card list with MIL, and probably bizarrely angry about that. However, no one knows for sure because she is banned from MIL's house. No holidays together. We also have zero holidays with my brother. We have not had one since 2017, and it is bliss!

So yes. I have experienced it. I figured it out is was all about their nasty need to be horrible to other people, and no reflection on me. It is so nice not to spend money on them anymore. Other people who may not have necessarily wanted what we chose, never acted like that. If they donated, we didn't know, and they always seemed happy.

[MercyA]

Never, but twice I've heard/seen extended family members make fun of my gift or make a face. For one exchange, we were supposed to spend under $10.  I didn't know the relative well so I got her a nice, brand-name insulated cup and some fuzzy socks. The gift was apparently cringy. 🤷‍♀️

[Indigo Blue]

4 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

He doesn’t always know how to respond and, while he’s grateful, he seems apathetic when opening presents.

And I have wondered if this is the case before when it has happened. I think….Are they just not good at knowing how to respond? It’s hard to know. 

[Indigo Blue]

8 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Never, but twice I've heard/seen extended family members make fun of my gift or make a face. For one exchange, we were supposed to spend under $10.  I didn't know the relative well so I got her a nice, brand-name insulated cup and some fuzzy socks. The gift was apparently cringy. 🤷‍♀️

Awwww. That was a really nice gift, IMO. 
 

Edit: lol, was it a Stanley cup? 😁 How can you be mad at a Stanley cup? 😜

Edited November 8, 2023 by Indigo Blue

[Indigo Blue]

I don’t mean to sound like people owe me the kind of reaction I expect. I’m just saying it’s a weird experience from my POV. That’s all. 

[Terabith]

I honestly hate gift giving traditions.  There's so much pressure and obligation, and nobody in our family really needs or wants stuff, but there's pressure both to come up with a list of wants and also to figure out what random gifts to get for people.  I love giving gifts when I find something that seems perfect for someone, but I absolutely abhor a sense of obligation of getting gifts for even immediate family for command occasions.  It's super stressful.  

There have been a few really really awesome gifts I have both given and received, but it's just so much pressure and money for little.  

I'm not counting little kids in this, who have wish lists of toys and things.  That feels different and much more rewarding.  But like my parents are trying to pare down stuff, and I have to figure out what to give for holidays and birthdays, and they're always upset that I don't have ideas for my kids.  

[Faith-manor]

6 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I honestly hate gift giving traditions.  There's so much pressure and obligation, and nobody in our family really needs or wants stuff, but there's pressure both to come up with a list of wants and also to figure out what random gifts to get for people.  I love giving gifts when I find something that seems perfect for someone, but I absolutely abhor a sense of obligation of getting gifts for even immediate family for command occasions.  It's super stressful.  

There have been a few really really awesome gifts I have both given and received, but it's just so much pressure and money for little.  

I'm not counting little kids in this, who have wish lists of toys and things.  That feels different and much more rewarding.  But like my parents are trying to pare down stuff, and I have to figure out what to give for holidays and birthdays, and they're always upset that I don't have ideas for my kids.  

We do too. Tired of worrying about it sometimes.

Next year Mark wants to do fun stockings, but then just gift money or museum/recreation memberships. We are going to that this year for Dd and hubby, Botanical Gardens, and I think we are going to gift campsite reservations to our bachelor boys for 2024 birthdays and Christmas. But some of our honorary kids are barely keeping their heads above water, and live in very sparse apartments without hardly enough kitchenware to even cook well. Lawn chairs for chairs, tray tables. Mattresses on floors, threadbare blankets. Real deprivation. So for them, we will probably continue to gift things they need as well as cash contributions when we can.

[Terabith]

4 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

We do too. Tired of worrying about it sometimes.

Next year Mark wants to do fun stockings, but then just gift money or museum/recreation memberships. We are going to that this year for Dd and hubby, Botanical Gardens, and I think we are going to gift campsite reservations to our bachelor boys for 2024 birthdays and Christmas. But some of our honorary kids are barely keeping their heads above water, and live in very sparse apartments without hardly enough kitchenware to even cook well. Lawn chairs for chairs, tray tables. Mattresses on floors, threadbare blankets. Real deprivation. So for them, we will probably continue to gift things they need as well as cash contributions when we can.

Yeah, that makes total sense, to give things to people who need (or even really want) things.  

I just hate the pressure of having to give gifts for people to open when everyone in our immediate family genuinely doesn't want more stuff.  

[Faith-manor]

6 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Yeah, that makes total sense, to give things to people who need (or even really want) things.  

I just hate the pressure of having to give gifts for people to open when everyone in our immediate family genuinely doesn't want more stuff.  

I give you permission to break the code! Do something else. Be the rabble rouser. 😁

[Terabith]

4 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

I give you permission to break the code! Do something else. Be the rabble rouser. 😁

Our immediate family has pretty much just done stockings and sometimes one or two things for the kids for years.  But what's awkward is extended family and even things like collegial relationships.  Apparently we're supposed to get gifts for coworkers?  It was super awkward last year when I received gifts from other people.  

I'm just not good at it all.

[MercyA]

46 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Awwww. That was a really nice gift, IMO. 
 

Edit: lol, was it a Stanley cup? 😁 How can you be mad at a Stanley cup? 😜

You're sweet. 💙

It was a Tervis tumbler, which were popular at the time. 

[Rosie_0801]

9 minutes ago, Terabith said:

  Apparently we're supposed to get gifts for coworkers?  It was super awkward last year when I received gifts from other people.  

I'm just not good at it all.

Let them be happy giving what they want to give.

If they think someone with kids at home has the money spare to buy presents for co-workers, they'll learn otherwise eventually.

[Melanie32]

13 minutes ago, MercyA said:

You're sweet. 💙

It was a Tervis tumbler, which were popular at the time. 

I think that’s a great gift! And you definitely spent more than $10.

[Melanie32]

24 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I'm just not good at it all.

I’m not a great gift giver either. I love buying gifts for people close to me if I know what they like. It’s very stressful buying gifts for people whom I don’t know well. 

[Katy]

Yep. Someone in DH’s family (an adult) not only did this, a few hours later they ranted about the carefully selected gift (that was on their list!) to the family with me in the adjoining and open room! 

I went to the room DH & I shared and cried for an hour. I must’ve been hormonal or something because it’s more typical of me to confront someone being a jerk. I guess there were so many people there and no one stood up for me, and we were pretty much trapped there because of weather, 5+ hours from home. There was no place to go. 

15 years and several autism diagnoses in the family later, I suspect this person is on the spectrum but has never been diagnosed. I actually for the most part like this person now, but only after we stopped exchanging gifts with adults. What can I say, Covid and politics have clarified a lot over the past 5 or so years. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

49 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Apparently we're supposed to get gifts for coworkers?  It was super awkward last year when I received gifts from other people.  

 

In this situation where gift-gifting is somewhat expected, I would make a donation to a charity (no need to disclose the amount donated) and pin a card up on the staff bulletin board saying something like 'Merry Christmas everyone. In lieu of gifts, I have made a donation to x. Happy holidays to you all!'

[MercyA]

31 minutes ago, Melanie32 said:

I think that’s a great gift! And you definitely spent more than $10.

Thank you. That was in the heyday of Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons. As I recall I got a great deal. 🙂 

[MEmama]

My in laws are like that, and expect us to be too. I'd never seen anything like it before the first Christmas I spent with them (when we living together and not yet married--gasp! Guess who was pointedly left out of that photo, despite the ring on her finger 🙄). They don't say thank you or even acknowledge a gift, and just keep ripping them open even if it's someone else's "turn".It's extremely awkward.

SIL and her kid are even worse. They behave like absolute banshees. We avoid holidays with all of them.

[Arcadia]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I know little children do this, but I am mainly wondering about full grown adults or older teens. 

We don't open gifts in front of the giver unless requested. Older teens and adults would say a customary thank you for the gift.

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I don’t mean to sound like people owe me the kind of reaction I expect. I’m just saying it’s a weird experience from my POV. That’s all. 

Actually, I think people do owe you the reaction you expect. 🙂 

When someone receives a gift, the polite response (even if they hate it,) is "Thank you!" 

I mean, hopefully, they will also add in something complimentary about the gift, too, but for someone to just sit there and say nothing, and then move on to the next gift is just plain RUDE!

 

[Emba]

Oh yeah, my SIL does that all the time. It means she doesn’t like the gift.  If she likes it she’ll say thank you. When my DD was about 12 she spent a good bit of her limited Christmas present budget on a bath set for SIL and SIL didn’t bother to say thank you or react at all.  I’ve not bought her personally a gift since. I’ll buy gifts for the family but not just her.

Edited November 9, 2023 by Emba

[SKL]

I think this can happen if there are a gajillion people opening gifts at the same time.  It can feel hard to get a word in edgewise.  It's also possible someone forgot to notice who the gift was from before opening it.  Or the opener is very shy/awkward and can't think of something good to say about receiving a gift she doesn't love ... or how to achieve eye contact with the giver in order to thank them.

It's not good manners, that's for sure.

Note to self:  remember to remind my kids not to do this when we go to the folks' house at Christmas.  I hope they know better, but kids can surprise us.

[dsmith]

I've seen this with children and adults. With young children it can be excused, but not with older kids and adults. I've even seen adults act like bratty kids asking why this present was bought for them, tossing it aside, etc. Crazy!! Thankfully, ds was always a good gift receiver, although he had many other issues with holidays and birthdays, being on the spectrum. In my large family it could get crazy opening gifts, but the kids always thanked the giver after opening a gift, and at the end there was a round of thanks and hugs for all. 

[Beth S]

My dh dislikes opening gifts in front of the giver, because of this expected reaction.
He of course can say Thank You, but he can't fake the cheerful reaction.

 

[EmilyGF]

20 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Have you ever exchanged gifts with a family member who opens their gift right in front of you and has absolutely no response or reaction? No words. Just set it aside and open the next?

I’ve had this happen with several young adults/older teens and one adult family member. (No, it’s not my mom). 
 

I mean, just open it, set it aside and there is just a complete nonplussed reaction? When it has happened, it makes me ask internal questions. Do they not like it? Etc.
 

Lol. I know how we’ve discussed here in the board how many just get stuff that we don’t want or need and unceremoniously dump it off at Goodwill or something. Maybe that’s what they did….I don’t know or really care. It’s just that in that moment, it’s just a bit awkward. 
 

I’m just really glad that I no longer have to shop for anyone but immediate family. 
 

So is this very uncommon? Or does this happen in your family?

I confess that I do put thought into gifts and it hurts my feelings just a tad, but I get over it. No biggie. Just wondering if others experience this. 

I think this happens when there are too many gifts. I know I feel awkward when I say thank you for every gift because it feels so rote, like I've memorized a response and am just repeating it over and over. With too many gifts, there isn't time or energy for thoughtful replies.

We have done better when not all gifts are opened at all times or when we've convinced family members to do less gift giving.

[SKL]

1 minute ago, EmilyGF said:

I think this happens when there are too many gifts. I know I feel awkward when I say thank you for every gift because it feels so rote, like I've memorized a response and am just repeating it over and over. With too many gifts, there isn't time or energy for thoughtful replies.

We have done better when not all gifts are opened at all times or when we've convinced family members to do less gift giving.

I always wait until the younger people are done opening their gifts before I slowly open mine.  I'm not sure it's even possible to notice everything each person gave your kids, and make sure they each react appropriately, while also opening one's own gifts, and politely acknowledging how others responded to the gifts I've given.  😛  I have dozens of siblings/nieces/nephews/etc. who have sometimes all come to open gifts at the same time.  Just making sure everyone received the gifts I brought is challenging enough.  😛

[SanDiegoMom]

I hate gift opening and expected reactions.  I'm not good at it and I have two out of three kids who aren't good at it either.  It's so stressful to express emotion on cue.  

If there were basic gifts that were exchanged every year (like my sister and I for a little while were exchanging puzzles at Christmas) it's so much nicer. 

Thankfully my husband knows this about and is ok -- he once spent a lot of time (that he doesn't have, he works so hard!) and ordered a mug on shutterfly with pictures of all the houses we had lived in over the course of his military career.  I really didn't like it -- particularly since the picture of our current and final house (that we have been pouring money in to make look nice) was the listing picture when the house was salmon pink.  And the mug was red. I had an immediate adverse reaction to it that I couldn't hide.  I have specific shapes of mugs that I like as well and that was not it, lol. I like round bottom mugs for my morning coffee, and very wide round mugs for afternoon coffee, and this was a tall mug.  

He once surprised me with a cruise when we were in our twenties - I thought we were visiting family but no, we went on a cruise.  I was pretty irritated. 

So yeah,  my idea of gift giving is either what my son does -- makes a list a month ahead and includes links to all the items, or to have set categories of gifts, and then concentrate on enjoying the time together - the meals, the decorating, the board games, the puzzles, etc. 

[marbel]

I have sometimes found it difficult at times to respond appropriately when given a gift. If there is a lot of gift-giving going on, and it's taking a while, and I have other things to deal with - such as cooking a holiday meal - it can just be hard to keep focused and ensure I keep my enthusiastic "thank you" face on. As a pp said, it starts to feel rote. I think people should give up their expectations of how a gift they give is received. I mean, I know everyone wants to give a gift that is liked, but there are lots of reasons people just don't react as expected. I have tried to make it a point to comment about a gift to the giver at a later date. "I sure do love that calendar you gave me. It was so busy on Christmas I didn't have a chance to give it a good look." 

In my little family, we don't typically have a ton of gifts, and we are leisurely about opening - we'll take breaks to get more coffee/tea/hot cocoa, for example, or I'll go do some needed task in the kitchen - so it's not so overwhelming all at once. 

Actually, since we stopped having Christmas with my in-laws, it hasn't been such a problem for me. But there are still times I'm sure I don't live up to expectations.

[Red Dove]

I haven’t really experienced this, but I know the members of my family give awkward reactions sometimes. The reason is that they are humble and feel weird getting gifts. But I have never seen someone not say thank you after receiving a gift. 

I have a similar but different issue I have seen in my extended family, though. Two members of the family will throw away food when they don’t like it. As in they will take one bite, say it’s gross, and throw it away. Most of my family members think throwing away perfectly good food is taboo. The two that do this are unrelated biologically to each other, but both married into the family. Anyway, I am always shocked at the boldness of telling someone they don’t like the food, and then throwing it away.

[SKL]

4 minutes ago, Red Dove said:

I have a similar but different issue I have seen in my extended family, though. Two members of the family will throw away food when they don’t like it. As in they will take one bite, say it’s gross, and throw it away. Most of my family members think throwing away perfectly good food is taboo. The two that do this are unrelated biologically to each other, but both married into the family. Anyway, I am always shocked at the boldness of telling someone they don’t like the food, and then throwing it away.

It's OK to not eat food you don't like, regardless of who cooked it.  But saying something nasty about it is not OK.  It is more polite to just sort of nurse it and eventually, if anyone notices, say something like "I couldn't eat another bite, thanks so much to the cook!"