I think I made a mistake

[TexasProud]

38 minutes ago, marbel said:

Yep, that's how it reads to me too. 

@TexasProudyou know your issues can't be fixed here on the boards. People are happy to talk to you but none of us really knows what's going on and no one can truly help you. We can give you ideas - not tell you what to do - but that's all. I hope when your husband comes home and you are on your RV trip you can have a good honest talk with him about your life. The fact that you still hide stuff from him - like eating a donut - sounds as if you are still fearing his criticism.  And it sounds as if even when he is away he directs your days, whether he means to or not; as you said:

"Hubby asked me to steam clean the trailer and boat, so I did do that. But other than that I was on here all day.  Many days he doesn't ask me to do anything."

I agree that an accountability coach could really help you. Even here there is the daily "tackling" thread which I don't participate in but seems like it might be helpful to you. A personal friend would be better.

I hope you can find a way to take charge of your life and your days. 

Well ( He is still here.  He has been helping me host the kids.  He doesn't leave until the 17th.)  See the difference is he said, "Honey, would you mind steam cleaning the carpet.  If not, I can do it later."  I had complete freedom to say no.  But I mean, what else was I doing? But I could have said no and sat there and nothing would have happened.  He has said many, many, many times that he wants to move heaven and earth to let me do whatever I want.   I just have absolutely no clue what I want.  Most of what people do doesn't really matter.  I mean in 50 years no one will care what we did or didn't do.  Nothing truly lasts.  Even family.  My great, great grandchildren will just know me as a name on a family tree, if that.  

[Melissa Louise]

I don't mean to be rude, but you are very privileged if you have a partner who wants to move heaven and earth to let you do what you want. 

Sure, none of it matters, but maybe try enjoying that good fortune. 

[TexasProud]

9 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I don't mean to be rude, but you are very privileged if you have a partner who wants to move heaven and earth to let you do what you want. 

Sure, none of it matters, but maybe try enjoying that good fortune. 

I know I am.  And that is part of the problem that I beat myself up for: not grateful enough, not taking advantage to do as much good for the world as I can, etc. All the "shoulds" 

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I know I am.  And that is part of the problem that I beat myself up for: not grateful enough, not taking advantage to do as much good for the world as I can, etc. All the "shoulds" 

Well, just enjoy it. Who cares about goodness!

Or you can swap with me and come and work like a crazy person to pay the rent, lol, and I'll lounge about on your sofa.

[TexasProud]

8 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Well, just enjoy it. Who cares about goodness!

Or you can swap with me and come and work like a crazy person to pay the rent, lol, and I'll lounge about on your sofa.

I would be happy to.  I did that the first few years of our marriage. I was definitely happier then.

Edited July 5, 2023 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

And as far as a personal friend that you talk to or do stuff with..  I guess I have always struggled with how and when to make "real" connections.  All of the connections are/were activity based.  I have two friends that I am really working hard to keep it going even though I may not be with them as much anymore. 

But even when I am here, they have a job.  And kids that they are toting around to a million activities. In the evening, if they have a free one, they just want to chill at home. I guess I don't understand how you have a friend that you could actually talk about stuff like this to.  Let me meet you for coffee and you can tell me how to take charge of my life...  Yeah, no.  It is why if I am thinking through stuff I come here.  And as you can see I have tried professionals.  I have.  It isn't like I am sitting here doing nothing.  

Off to decorate for VBS.

[fairfarmhand]

18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And as far as a personal friend that you talk to or do stuff with..  I guess I have always struggled with how and when to make "real" connections.  All of the connections are/were activity based.  I have two friends that I am really working hard to keep it going even though I may not be with them as much anymore. 

But even when I am here, they have a job.  And kids that they are toting around to a million activities. In the evening, if they have a free one, they just want to chill at home. I guess I don't understand how you have a friend that you could actually talk about stuff like this to.  Let me meet you for coffee and you can tell me how to take charge of my life...  Yeah, no.  It is why if I am thinking through stuff I come here.  And as you can see I have tried professionals.  I have.  It isn't like I am sitting here doing nothing.  

Off to decorate for VBS.

I have 2 best friends. One friend is somebody that I get to hang with about once a month. But we text chat a few times a week. She works as an optometrist and deals with a chronic illness that leaves her sapped fairly often. My other friend is a single mom of 4 who homeschools and has her kids in lots of activities. We try to get together 2-3 times a month for an hour here or there and we talk when doing chores or driving once a week or so.

what makes them close friends is that I hide nothing from them and them from me. That’s how you get those close intimate friendships. We’re all real with one another. No pretense. No trying to be perfect. 

it doesn’t take immense amounts of time when you click with someone. And honestly in my experience people are aching for real genuine connection. They’ll find ways to work out connections when they know who you are.

[Melanie32]

As a fellow Christian, I feel like this is something to take to the Lord in prayer. Self control is a fruit of the spirit but it is so hard to cultivate in our modern middle class American world. We have so many temptations, all at the click of a button or with a short drive to the store or even via a food delivery service if we don’t feel like going out! 
 

It sounds like you usually have so many demands on your time that you have no clue how to handle it when things slow down. Self discipline is so hard! I will be praying for you as I pray for myself in this area. It’s so hot in the south this time of year that I tend to get lazy and gain weight over the summer. I love being outdoors but it’s just too dang hot right now! I use apps and other things to keep myself accountable and my husband and adult daughter are around so that keeps me accountable as well. I can’t  imagine how hard it might be if I were alone.
 

Praying for both of us to cultivate self control in our lives. Maybe you can find some apps and/or some group activities you could join to help keep you accountable. 
 

I also find it helpful to find things that inspire me in the areas I want to be more self disciplined. I find reading books, listening to podcasts or watching YouTube videos and movies that make me feel inspired go along way towards helping me improve when I am struggling in a certain area. 
 

((((hugs))))
 

 

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Most of what people do doesn't really matter.  I mean in 50 years no one will care what we did or didn't do.  Nothing truly lasts.  Even family.  My great, great grandchildren will just know me as a name on a family tree, if that.  

Most of what I do doesn't matter beyond the satisfaction of getting that task done. I write a list of banal tasks  - most of which I don't 'want' to do. I do them and cross them off the list - there is satisfaction in having done that.

That's all. Nothing more.  It's fine.

[Pam in CT]

A.  what friendship looks like:

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

I have 2 best friends. One friend is somebody that I get to hang with about once a month. But we text chat a few times a week. She works as an optometrist and deals with a chronic illness that leaves her sapped fairly often. My other friend is a single mom of 4 who homeschools and has her kids in lots of activities. We try to get together 2-3 times a month for an hour here or there and we talk when doing chores or driving once a week or so.

what makes them close friends is that I hide nothing from them and them from me. That’s how you get those close intimate friendships. We’re all real with one another. No pretense. No trying to be perfect. 

it doesn’t take immense amounts of time when you click with someone. And honestly in my experience people are aching for real genuine connection. They’ll find ways to work out connections when they know who you are.

the bolded.  That's it.  Applies to friendship within marriage as well.

 

 

and, B.  what "what matters" looks like:

10 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Most of what I do doesn't matter beyond the satisfaction of getting that task done. I write a list of banal tasks  - most of which I don't 'want' to do. I do them and cross them off the list - there is satisfaction in having done that.

That's all. Nothing more.  It's fine.

that's it as well....

 

 

aside from,

the real, authentic, honest relationships under A...

....matter very much.

 

 

That's all I got.  It's both less complicated (B) and more demanding (A) than you appear to be making it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[and as a very tertiary sidebar, DBT is not what you describe as having experienced and there is currently no known genetic marker for bipolar, so if you really have gotten such guidance you've been misinformed]

[marbel]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Most of what people do doesn't really matter.  I mean in 50 years no one will care what we did or didn't do.  Nothing truly lasts.  Even family.  My great, great grandchildren will just know me as a name on a family tree, if that.  

As a Christian, do you believe that God cares? Is it more important to be remembered by people in the future than to please God now? 

 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (Colossian 3:23-24) 

ETA: which is not to say, "get to work" but to consider what God would have you doing, and not be dismayed that no human will ever know or care about it. 

Edited July 5, 2023 by marbel

[livetoread]

I can relate to some of what you are saying. I, too, am not employed, and I have an empty nest with a very supportive husband and no financial concerns. My life is really my own to decide how to spend my time. I was a very good student with several advanced degrees, was an excellent employee, and then was a very motivated homeschooler, but now I feel little need to achieve or produce. I'm not depressed - I am just content doing little, lol.

I see us differing in how we feel about that. I don't feel guilty if I sit and surf all day. Mostly I don't, but when I do, I'm good with that. I'm proud of my few accomplishments I try and do each day, but if they don't happen, they will tomorrow. I'm retired after working hard for years, and I'm going to do what brings me pleasure for the time I have left. I enjoy gardening but when I don't feel like doing it because it's hot, I don't. I surf the news and enjoy the intellectual stimulation I get from pondering things throughout the day. I have one volunteer activity I do for about two hours once a week and have thought about getting more, but decided I didn't want to. I make a very short to do list, mostly around housework, that I feel good about when I finish and shrug off if I don't. No one cares if the house is dusty for another day until I get to it.

Beating yourself up for not being something more doesn't change you in good ways. You are retired after working hard and telling yourself you need to be more for whatever reason isn't true. It sounds like your feelings of self-worth are tied to something apart from just liking yourself for who you are. You need to be different or you feel badly about yourself. Being retired in our positions (financially secure with supportive husbands) means we can decide how to use our time. Yes, I have friends who accomplish way more than I do. I'm happy for them, but I don't want to be them. I'm not them. I enjoy puttering around and doing the few things that bring me pleasure that most people discount (like gardening and hiking and learning vegan cooking and keeping up on current events and reading and surfing the internet). I like having my time free for when my young adults and my elderly but still self-sufficient parents need me. 

I know I'm lucky, but knowing that doesn't mean I feel a need to be more or produce more or do more etc. I don't owe the universe anything for that luck. I try and be a kind person, but my time I have left here is mine now (after decades of giving it to others) and I am good with that. I have a short window here where my young adults are mostly launched, my dh isn't retired and home with me everyday, and my elderly parents need little from me. Things change in a heartbeat, and I doubt I'll be able to be this selfish with my time forever, so I'll enjoy it while I can.

You have worked hard and now you're retired. That's okay. Figuring out why you feel the need to be something different rather than appreciating yourself for who you are now might be worthwhile.

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 Most of what people do doesn't really matter.  I mean in 50 years no one will care what we did or didn't do.  Nothing truly lasts.  Even family.  My great, great grandchildren will just know me as a name on a family tree, if that.  

Yes. I have wrestled with that, too, and only became well when I stopped searching for that elusive meaning. What matters is what you do each moment, not for posterity,  but to increase the amount of joy in the world, yours included, right now.

There is no other purpose that, if we could only figure it out, would be the answer. We can only strive for lessening of suffering, including yours, and intense experience of every moment. There is much peace in letting go.

Edited July 5, 2023 by regentrude

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

And as far as a personal friend that you talk to or do stuff with..  I guess I have always struggled with how and when to make "real" connections.  All of the connections are/were activity based.  I have two friends that I am really working hard to keep it going even though I may not be with them as much anymore. 

There is no "when" for those connections. As for "how" there are a lot of ways, the one that takes the least amount of thinking is literally just spend an large amount of time with someone, enough to where they will be over at your house when laundry hasn't been folded, they are loading your dishes with you at your house, etc.

The cultivation of that friendship generally takes you to be "vulnerable" with them and all that means is to show them you aren't perfect. This can start out with small not really vulnerable things like "I have no self discipline, I just ate bon bons and watched Jack Ryan for hours yesterday." (Don't add that this weakness needs to be fixed or anything. Wait until you are close friends to talk about bettering yourself.) People not only want to know that you commiserate with them on their weakness but also that they have some strength that are your weaknesses. 

Most people's deep friendships start out activity based. Then we just find a person there that we aren't completely irritated by and we exchange numbers and plan a meet outside of that activity. 

[KungFuPanda]

I wonder if there are any books that would have advice on moving from being extremely extrinsically motivated to somewhat intrinsically motivated?  This has to be a skill that can be developed and not just a talent that some people are born with.  When you're raising kids your life is all about putting out fires and doing what has to be done, but once you're not responsible for another person in that way there is time to manage.  It's worth looking into.  Personally, I'm a list maker.  Not every item on that list gets done, but it keeps  the momentum going most days and I do enjoy checking items off even if that item is just "make list."  You have to be willing to give yourself the grace that you'd give anyone else who is learning a new skill.  

 

Personally, I like to include one or two "Slug Days" in my week.  These are days with zero expectations.  If something gets done, great, but I'm not going to stress about it.  My current checklist is so overwhelming that I ignore it for days on end, but not to the point that the things on it won't get done in time.  I generally have enough high energy days in my week to even things out.  Some days are nothing but movies and laundry and I might eat a vegetable.  I figure I'm not getting any younger and I have to learn to occasionally find contentment with a slower pace in life or I'll turn into a bitter old lady who always mourns her youth.  

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I wonder if there are any books that would have advice on moving from being extremely extrinsically motivated to somewhat intrinsically motivated?  This has to be a skill that can be developed and not just a talent that some people are born with.  When you're raising kids your life is all about putting out fires and doing what has to be done, but once you're not responsible for another person in that way there is time to manage.  It's worth looking into.  Personally, I'm a list maker.  Not every item on that list gets done, but it keeps  the momentum going most days and I do enjoy checking items off even if that item is just "make list."  You have to be willing to give yourself the grace that you'd give anyone else who is learning a new skill.  

 

Personally, I like to include one or two "Slug Days" in my week.  These are days with zero expectations.  If something gets done, great, but I'm not going to stress about it.  My current checklist is so overwhelming that I ignore it for days on end, but not to the point that the things on it won't get done in time.  I generally have enough high energy days in my week to even things out.  Some days are nothing but movies and laundry and I might eat a vegetable.  I figure I'm not getting any younger and I have to learn to occasionally find contentment with a slower pace in life or I'll turn into a bitter old lady who always mourns her youth.  

Do I have to do lists?  I have three master lists: My writing/website/business; Ministry/Missons obligations ( newsletter and organizing trips); and Misc; Financials, laundry, making appointments, etc..   Then I sit down on Sunday night and Make a plan for what should be accomplished that week in each of those categories along with a list of activities/meetings that week that I need to work around.   Many weeks that gets done. I like your idea of including a couple of "Slug" days.  

[TexasProud]

29 minutes ago, Clarita said:

There is no "when" for those connections. As for "how" there are a lot of ways, the one that takes the least amount of thinking is literally just spend an large amount of time with someone, enough to where they will be over at your house when laundry hasn't been folded, they are loading your dishes with you at your house, etc.

The cultivation of that friendship generally takes you to be "vulnerable" with them and all that means is to show them you aren't perfect. This can start out with small not really vulnerable things like "I have no self discipline, I just ate bon bons and watched Jack Ryan for hours yesterday." (Don't add that this weakness needs to be fixed or anything. Wait until you are close friends to talk about bettering yourself.) People not only want to know that you commiserate with them on their weakness but also that they have some strength that are your weaknesses. 

Most people's deep friendships start out activity based. Then we just find a person there that we aren't completely irritated by and we exchange numbers and plan a meet outside of that activity. 

 

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

what makes them close friends is that I hide nothing from them and them from me. That’s how you get those close intimate friendships. We’re all real with one another. No pretense. No trying to be perfect. 

it doesn’t take immense amounts of time when you click with someone. And honestly in my experience people are aching for real genuine connection. They’ll find ways to work out connections when they know who you are.

One issue I had for a VERY long time is that I live in a small town and my husband operates on everyone in town and if not them, then a close relative.  There are not many people I truly trust to keep their mouth shut.  I do have a best friend that I tell a lot to.  She knows about eating.  We have talked about that.  We hold each other accountable for some things. Her husband is also in a fish bowl profession, so our husbands are each other's best friend as well.  Though my husband said he doesn't really open up to him, but he refers to my husband as his best friend.  

And is also funny because I actually share some things in public like in Bible studies and Sunday School.  I have had several people come up to me privately and say how much they appreciate my sharing zzz because they knew they were not the only ones struggling.  

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

As a Christian, do you believe that God cares? Is it more important to be remembered by people in the future than to please God now? 

 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (Colossian 3:23-24) 

ETA: which is not to say, "get to work" but to consider what God would have you doing, and not be dismayed that no human will ever know or care about it. 

I have to be SUPER SUPER careful with this.  I have spent many, many, many years where the parable of the talents was my theme verse.  I also don't want to be the "goat" that getsy sent the fire that he never knew or the person who didn't feed the hungry or thirsty and get sent to the fire because I didn't help.  If I view every single thing I do as what will God do to me if I don't....  Yeah, then what about grace? At the same time, faith without works is dead.  

Also, I agonized over decision after decision and what exactly was God's will. My current pastor has a good illustration.  He thinks God has put us in a big fenced in playground.  He doesn't care if you swing on the swings or go down the slide.  He gives us choice. Now if we choose to go outside the fence ( murder someone), then yeah, there are consequences.  

Anyway, that is a complicated area for me.  Work heartily at what?  How often? Home much is enough? Give away 1/4 of your income? 1/3?  1/2?  What standard of living is too much?  How much of your time should be spent doing "Christian" stuff?  Of should you just live your life acting out the love God love people and that is enough.  I've been ordered to make disciples ...exactly how...

Do you see what I mean? I absolutely want to please God now.  So can you tell me exactly what I need to do to know for sure I have done that???  Yeah, you can't. I just do the best I know how and hope for the best.

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

 

[and as a very tertiary sidebar, DBT is not what you describe as having experienced and there is currently no known genetic marker for bipolar, so if you really have gotten such guidance you've been misinformed]

We identified black and white thinking, catastophizing,  self blaming, etc.   So you take your negative thoughts and tell yourself what is true.  Welcome anxiety tapes.  Some kind of concentrating thing where you had to concentrate on various sounds in the tape.

No, he didn't find a genetic marker.  My point was that he was very thorough.  He did genetic testing.  We talked a lot. The genetic testing told me how bad Lexapro was for me, that I have a gene for cholesterol and impaired liver function.  I have a list of meds I shouldn't take.  But no, that test didn't say I was or wasn't bipolar. 

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have to be SUPER SUPER careful with this.  I have spent many, many, many years where the parable of the talents was my theme verse.  I also don't want to be the "goat" that getsy sent the fire that he never knew or the person who didn't feed the hungry or thirsty and get sent to the fire because I didn't help.  If I view every single thing I do as what will God do to me if I don't....  Yeah, then what about grace? At the same time, faith without works is dead.  

Also, I agonized over decision after decision and what exactly was God's will. My current pastor has a good illustration.  He thinks God has put us in a big fenced in playground.  He doesn't care if you swing on the swings or go down the slide.  He gives us choice. Now if we choose to go outside the fence ( murder someone), then yeah, there are consequences.  

Anyway, that is a complicated area for me.  Work heartily at what?  How often? Home much is enough? Give away 1/4 of your income? 1/3?  1/2?  What standard of living is too much?  How much of your time should be spent doing "Christian" stuff?  Of should you just live your life acting out the love God love people and that is enough.  I've been ordered to make disciples ...exactly how...

Do you see what I mean? I absolutely want to please God now.  So can you tell me exactly what I need to do to know for sure I have done that???  Yeah, you can't. I just do the best I know how and hope for the best.

As you say, I can't tell you how to be sure you have done that. My point is: you seem to be focused on avoiding criticism - which is not loving people but rather fearing them because they might not think the best of you. That's not a healthy way to live.

 

[TexasProud]

Just now, marbel said:

As you say, I can't tell you how to be sure you have done that. My point is: you seem to be focused on avoiding criticism - which is not loving people but rather fearing them because they might not think the best of you. That's not a healthy way to live.

 

No it is not.  But I have focused way too much on avoiding God's criticism as well, which totally discounts grace.  I have tried things like Immanual Journaling and when I journal God's words to me they are VERY harsh and critical, which isn't true.  That isn't healthy either.  

[marbel]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

No it is not.  But I have focused way too much on avoiding God's criticism as well, which totally discounts grace.  I have tried things like Immanual Journaling and when I journal God's words to me they are VERY harsh and critical, which isn't true.  That isn't healthy either.  

Maybe what God is calling you to now is to rest. Just rest and stop worrying about producing. Stop thinking frantically about what you should do. Just stop. Love yourself for a bit. Maybe you are working so hard to come up with answers that you can't see/hear what's before you. Try being still.

[fairfarmhand]

32 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have to be SUPER SUPER careful with this.  I have spent many, many, many years where the parable of the talents was my theme verse.  I also don't want to be the "goat" that getsy sent the fire that he never knew or the person who didn't feed the hungry or thirsty and get sent to the fire because I didn't help.  If I view every single thing I do as what will God do to me if I don't....  Yeah, then what about grace? At the same time, faith without works is dead.  

Also, I agonized over decision after decision and what exactly was God's will. My current pastor has a good illustration.  He thinks God has put us in a big fenced in playground.  He doesn't care if you swing on the swings or go down the slide.  He gives us choice. Now if we choose to go outside the fence ( murder someone), then yeah, there are consequences.  

Anyway, that is a complicated area for me.  Work heartily at what?  How often? Home much is enough? Give away 1/4 of your income? 1/3?  1/2?  What standard of living is too much?  How much of your time should be spent doing "Christian" stuff?  Of should you just live your life acting out the love God love people and that is enough.  I've been ordered to make disciples ...exactly how...

Do you see what I mean? I absolutely want to please God now.  So can you tell me exactly what I need to do to know for sure I have done that???  Yeah, you can't. I just do the best I know how and hope for the best.

So what does it matter if some big mouth gossips about you? Who cares? Your dh isn’t in practice locally anymore so why worry about it?

remember, His yoke is easy and his burdens are light. He is glorified when you are joyously enjoying your life. Yes you’ll reach out to others but not because you’re afraid of lightning bolts but rather because his love has filled you so full you can’t help but spill it over onto all you meet while living your every day life. 

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

remember, His yoke is easy and his burdens are light. He is glorified when you are joyously enjoying your life. Yes you’ll reach out to others but not because you’re afraid of lightning bolts but rather because his love has filled you so full you can’t help but spill it over onto all you meet while living your every day life. 

Yes, I "know" that.  I preach that.  I do not know how to "feel" it deep in my bones. That is what I want to actually be able to enjoy it.  

[TexasProud]

17 minutes ago, marbel said:

. Try being still.

For seminary I spent days being still and silent and alone. That is a very dangerous place for me to be for me sometimes.  But yes, I have a monthly practice I do for many hours on our place with a Bible and a verse that my Replenish group gives us.  Some days it is just not good.  Like the voices that are in my head are not kind at all.  

Edited July 5, 2023 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

Also, thinking a bit more. I don’t think God loves it when we go “I must do x number of projects this week and share the gospel so many times and serve in this or that ministry and take so many missions trips and give this percentage of my time and money” I think he much prefers when we start the day with open hands and say “give me opportunities to be your hands and feet. Let me hear you. Let me see people the way you do. Slow my spirit so I know you are close so I can share what you’ve give me, whether it’s money time or love.” 
And we walk that day with open ears to his voice. Praying about every interaction. Every opportunity. Cultivating a listening heart.

for me, it’s that I must put down my stupid phone and just wait. Then enter into my day listening.Have you ever used the pause app by John eldredge ? It helps me keep a heart of listening when I struggle with this. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

 

for me, it’s that I must put down my stupid phone and just wait. Then enter into my day listening.Have you ever used the pause app by John eldredge ? It helps me keep a heart of listening when I struggle with this. 

Pause App.  Abide App , A Simple Pause,  and Pray as You Go.  I use  one of them every morning and sometimes throughout the day.  

I am better at it some days. 

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

For seminary I spent days being still and silent and alone. That is a very dangerous place for me to be.  My thoughts are not pretty at all if I am by myself for extended periods of time and just silent.  Not pretty at all.  

I think you might benefit from learning to meditate. Not the guided meditation stuff where someone talks and  you have images and words intrude and cause you thoughts, but sitting meditation where you try to *empty* your mind and let the thoughts pass through you, but not cling to them, not follow them, not ruminate. Become an impassioned observer.

It takes a lot of practice,  and I suck at it, but it seems to me that you need to learn to detach from your thought, from your goals, and learn to just BE. Meditation is an excellent tool. (The closest I come to being empty of thought is when I hike a strenuous mountain hike and have only energy for my breath.)

Edited July 5, 2023 by regentrude

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I think you might benefit from learning to meditate. Not the guided meditation stuff where someone talks and  you have images and words intrude and cause you thoughts, but sitting meditation where you try to *empty* your mind and let the thoughts pass through you, but not cling to them, not follow them, not ruminate. Become an impassioned observer.

It takes a lot of practice,  and I suck at it, but it seems to me that you need to learn to detach from your thought, from your goals, and learn to just BE. Meditationis an excellent tool. (The closest I come to being empty of thought is when I hike a strenuous mountain hike and have only energy for my breath.)

What is it they say, we’re human beings not human doings?

[TexasProud]

4 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

What is it they say, we’re human beings not human doings?

I know this to be fundamentally true. 

[TexasProud]

I just want to say thank you to everyone.  Many of you had good stuff to say, good advice, reminders of what I know to be true, etc.  I will print it out to refer to it often.  Thank you everyone!  You have been helpful!

[Scarlett]

FWIW, I was one person before I discovered my xh’s affair and another after.  As soon as I got him out of our home I completely changed my daily routines.   Similar to how you changed once you purged yourself to your husband and again how you change when he isn’ there.  The difference being my xh was an abusive demanding jer that kept me constantly walking on eggshells.  I had to let go of the perfection he had demanded of me.  
 

I stopped setting an alarm.  I did exactly as I pleased every minute of the day.  I stayed up as long as I wanted etc.  Eventually I regained a sense of a schedule as one has to do to function but it was never the same again.  
 

And I have to tell you part of me misses the perfect way I did everything.  By the time my mind was better I was older and it was harder to go back to my strict routines.  Even so I found I was still better organized than the vast majority of people I know.  
 

So as others have pointed out part of this is just normal for seasons of life.   We all flake out and have periods where we are not that productive and eat too much junk…..I know I am happier when I am more structured but I try not to beat myself up when I am not.  

[Melissa Louise]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

We identified black and white thinking, catastophizing,  self blaming, etc.   So you take your negative thoughts and tell yourself what is true.  Welcome anxiety tapes.  Some kind of concentrating thing where you had to concentrate on various sounds in the tape.

No, he didn't find a genetic marker.  My point was that he was very thorough.  He did genetic testing.  We talked a lot. The genetic testing told me how bad Lexapro was for me, that I have a gene for cholesterol and impaired liver function.  I have a list of meds I shouldn't take.  But no, that test didn't say I was or wasn't bipolar. 

That's not DBT.

DBT is a bit over-rated, imo, so it doesn't much matter. 

Maybe you should read the Stoics. 

[Rosie_0801]

Your God was first revealed to a couple of people who didn't have the technology to be as busy as you think you should be, nor the experience to overthink. 

[Danae]

I’m curious what would happen if you told your DH you would like him to buy you a donut for an afternoon snack.

[Terabith]

I hesitate to say this, but it sounds like your version of Christianity is kinda making you miserable.  

[TexasProud]

12 hours ago, Danae said:

I’m curious what would happen if you told your DH you would like him to buy you a donut for an afternoon snack.

Ok, guys.  My husband has a sweet tooth.  He has a dessert every single day, albeit it might be yogurt with chocolate raisins in it or chocolate raisins in popcorn.  He had ice cream yesterday.  When we are on vacation, he often looks for the special pie shop or whatever.  

The issue is, I have already had a dessert with our meal.  It is the middle of the afternoon and something happens.  I go get the bag of chocolate chips and go into middle son's room and eat the whole thing. 

For 3/4 of my life I never thought about food to be honest. Many times I would just forget to eat.  I ate when I felt hungry.  Now it feels completely broken. I am hungry all. the. time, even when I shouldn't be. It definitely feels like emotional eating or a way to say, " I can't do/have what I really want, so at least I get to eat what I want."   Example: my husband's head hasn't been doing well at all lately. At all. It worries me. Also there is a huge legal mess going on that has him stressed.  A legal mess (albeit a different kind) is part of what precipitated his stroke. Deja Vu to me...  I cannot control any of that, but I can have that  triple chocolate blizzard. 

And he is also EXTREMELY self disciplined.  He can have just a little bit and be fine.  He once ate half a candy bar and left it on his desk for 6 months.  While he was gone to Africa, I ate the other half, bought him a new one, and ate the other half.  I hate him for that self-discipline sometimes.  I wish I had it. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by TexasProud

[fairfarmhand]

24 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, guys.  My husband has a sweet tooth.  He has a dessert every single day, albeit it might be yogurt with chocolate raisins in it or chocolate raisins in popcorn.  He had ice cream yesterday.  When we are on vacation, he often looks for the special pie shop or whatever.  

The issue is, I have already had a dessert with our meal.  It is the middle of the afternoon and something happens.  I go get the bag of chocolate chips and go into middle son's room and eat the whole thing. 

For 3/4 of my life I never thought about food to be honest. Many times I would just forget to eat.  I ate when I felt hungry.  Now it feels completely broken. I am hungry all. the. time, even when I shouldn't be. It definitely feels like emotional eating or a way to say, " I can't do/have what I really want, so at least I get to eat what I want."   Example: my husband's head hasn't been doing well at all lately. At all. It worries me. Also there is a huge legal mess going on that has him stressed.  A legal mess (albeit a different kind) is part of what precipitated his stroke. Deja Vu to me...  I cannot control any of that, but I can have that  triple chocolate blizzard. 

And he is also EXTREMELY self disciplined.  He can have just a little bit and be fine.  He once ate half a candy bar and left it on his desk for 6 months.  While he was gone to Africa, I ate the other half, bought him a new one, and ate the other half.  I hate him for that self-discipline sometimes.  I wish I had it. 

Yeah, I don;t think your food issues necessarily come from your dh's view of food.

Perhaps your perceptions of your dh, but I think he wouldn't think about it at all. I think you may be eating your feelings. 

(No condemnation. I do this too.) 

I think you need to figure out new ways of processing feelings and you won't feel the urges so strongly.

 

BTW, as to the bolded, some people are just like that with food. I'm not. I do not need to buy certain things because I will eat them till they are gone. My dh is the same. However, my dh is very poorly self disciplined in the area of work. He's a workaholic and putting down his work is hard for him even when something more important is needed. Just because someone does well with food, doesn't mean they are perfect. They can handle stress poorly, handle work poorly, etc.

[maize]

23 hours ago, TexasProud said:

My great, great grandchildren will just know me as a name on a family tree, if that.  

Your great-great-grandchildren will exist because you lived your life. That matters!

Now matters too. You matter. Eternity is made of all our nows.

Live now, my friend.

Edited July 6, 2023 by maize

[fairfarmhand]

so overall, I see a pattern in your posts.

1. You struggle with the idea that choosing one thing means you are NOT choosing something else. You want deep intimate relationships with friends but you also want to enjoy life traveling with your dh. In so many cases, this is life. We can't have all that we want all the time. And that really bothers you and you struggle to accept it. 

2. You want your life and work to have meaning. You figure that it won't matter in 50 years so why bother? (I have thoughts on this, if you're interested)

3. You struggle with the idea that you have feelings and thoughts and needs that might conflict with those of other people. For you to get what you need, you feel that you're "letting down" someone that you care about.

4. You want to love others well and you have done this for years, but sometimes that conflicts with your own desires and you're tired of sacrificing your needs for others. That has at times bred resentment.

5. You want to justify your existence and desires by outward metrics and the approval of others You have a hard time just accepting that "because I want it" is an okay reason to do things.

There might be more once I think on it. 

[TexasProud]

24 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

so overall, I see a pattern in your posts.

1. You struggle with the idea that choosing one thing means you are NOT choosing something else. You want deep intimate relationships with friends but you also want to enjoy life traveling with your dh. In so many cases, this is life. We can't have all that we want all the time. And that really bothers you and you struggle to accept it. 

2. You want your life and work to have meaning. You figure that it won't matter in 50 years so why bother? (I have thoughts on this, if you're interested)

3. You struggle with the idea that you have feelings and thoughts and needs that might conflict with those of other people. For you to get what you need, you feel that you're "letting down" someone that you care about.

4. You want to love others well and you have done this for years, but sometimes that conflicts with your own desires and you're tired of sacrificing your needs for others. That has at times bred resentment.

5. You want to justify your existence and desires by outward metrics and the approval of others You have a hard time just accepting that "because I want it" is an okay reason to do things.

There might be more once I think on it. 

I would definitely agree with 1-3.  Number 4, sort of.  Not sure I feel resentment.  Part of what I want is for my world to be happy and comfortable.  That means everyone I love and care about, the institutions I work with and for need to be for the most part free of conflict and peaceful. I tend to be the person that sees all sides and brings people together in groups (when I was active in activities).

5. Yeah.  But the chief goal of man is to glorify God thing works in somewhere, too. ( Which is why @Terabith's last comment is making me deep breathe.  Great, I am doing so poorly I am leading people away from God, not to Him... Sigh... That should be my whole focus. 

For those who do the enneagram, I always get stuck between being a 3: Performer, but I DO NOT value my goals over people, if anything I wear the mask to help people;  9- I hate and avoid conflict of any kind, but I move too fast a lot of the time, get too much done to be a 9;   A 2- I might have the wing, but most women are culturized to be a 2 so not sure; 6- I definitely wasn't this way when I was younger, I was much more of a 7 but man I try to make sure I have all worst case scenarios covered; 1- I don't think I am a one, but I am married to one and have morphed to have many of these qualities and/or he has rubbed off on me 🙂  Definitely tend to try to be moral and good; 

[ktgrok]

On 7/3/2023 at 2:24 PM, TexasProud said:

No, I have taken some advice from here for sure. But yeah... wasting time.  Which as I said, I would like to be self-disciplined and NOT do that but I do not know how. 

Any chance of an ADHD issue? Because those with undiagnosed/untreated ADHD often grow up feeling we have no self discipline and are lazy. What we are is lacking in dopamine, and what we need are different ways of doing things. 

[marbel]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

But the chief goal of man is to glorify God thing works in somewhere, too. ( Which is why @Terabith's last comment is making me deep breathe.  Great, I am doing so poorly I am leading people away from God, not to Him... Sigh... That should be my whole focus. 

It can be hard to find the balance between showing (and feeling!) the love of Christ in our lives, and being transparent about our struggles. 

Churches/denominations often also do a poor job of balancing our sin/need for repentance with God's grace. Some are super legalist while others are too much the other way. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God.*  But that is not the end of the story, right? 

It's just really hard sometimes. And of course we were warned that it would be, but still it often seems to come as a surprise. 

*paraphrasing one of Paul's epistles, not a thought original to me. 

 

 

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 

And he is also EXTREMELY self disciplined.  He can have just a little bit and be fine.  He once ate half a candy bar and left it on his desk for 6 months.  While he was gone to Africa, I ate the other half, bought him a new one, and ate the other half.  I hate him for that self-discipline sometimes.  I wish I had it. 

Something I've had to realize is that it is NOT that he is exercising stronger self discipline or will power. It is that he just doesn't want it that badly. Take your life - for most of your life you didn't care about food that much. Now, you think about it all the time and want to eat all the time. Did you have more will power before? Not from the sound of it. You just didn't want it wall the time. It wasn't a temptation for you before the way it is now. You didn't get weaker, the temptation got stronger. 

And yes, stress for SOME people causes sugar cravings. For others, it doesn't and they lose their appetite. The ones that lose their appetite when stressed are NOT morally superior nor are they showing greater will power. They just have a different biological response. This is a biology issue, not a moral issue. It REALLY helps to frame it that way - biology, not morality. 

For someone with strong and frequent cravings not gorging all the time IS showing will power. 

[Carol in Cal.]

On 7/6/2023 at 6:13 AM, ktgrok said:

Any chance of an ADHD issue? Because those with undiagnosed/untreated ADHD often grow up feeling we have no self discipline and are lazy. What we are is lacking in dopamine, and what we need are different ways of doing things. 

….and in the meantime getting little dopamine hits from scrolling and posting online, which is a timesuck that makes you feel even worse about yourself, but the dopamine is a great incentive, and hence screen addiction forms.

[fairfarmhand]

When I make out my to-do list for the day, I consider not just what needs to be done, but varying what I need to do with my day. Like I wouldn't make out my to-do list and only have writing and studying for hours and hours on Monday and Tuesday, while the other days have more active things. I have a variety of things going on each day. So I might write and study for a couple of hours, but I also include cleaning, exercise, going outside to check on things or do some yard work, etc. I am less likely to stick to a to do list full of things that are all the same. Like a day full of yard work, I'd be likely to procrastinate, but I can totally do a bit each day. I also "reward" myself with some screen time or reading time after I've done a particularly distasteful task. But I have limits set up on my phone and I don't let myself turn it off. 

I also procrastinate on certain things that suck me in. I know I am likely to spend too much time on Instagram, so I try to not look at it until X oclock or until after I've done so many chores or something. 

I also invite people over regularly to give myself a reason to clean up my house. (accountability) 

[Clarita]

On 7/6/2023 at 4:37 AM, TexasProud said:

I cannot control any of that, but I can have that  triple chocolate blizzard. 

So this is when I spiral too with my addiction (shopping), when there is a lot of things that I feel are out of my control. I put supports in place (there all the time) that keep me from going absolutely bonkers. So for me that is I don't have a joint account with my husband. I have my own separate account that I use which has just enough money for me every month. (In case of emergencies my husband does keep a record of where our family money is and I do have access to it and all the information should I choose to and all the people/institutions involved with it.) It helps us catch when I'm spiraling because I have to ask for money. Our next rule is if he asks about my purchases then I need to tell him about them. When I am spiraling that's when I have a rule that I ask him before making purchases over $n (in some really bad times that limit was $20, usually it's $100). 

Initially my husband didn't want to do all this. I had to tell him that these "bad things" happens when I'm not in a good place. When he's asking me about purchases or when I have to ask for more allowance, it gives him a clue that I'm not doing OK. It gives him and I the red flags that I need help in that moment, and we can work toward determining what that is as a partnership.

Just the act of having to tell my husband about my purchases makes me think about them and think about why I'm purchasing. If I "can't" tell him, it is a RED FLAG that something is wrong with me and I need to fix my thought processes. 

[TexasProud]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

When I make out my to-do list for the day, I consider not just what needs to be done, but varying what I need to do with my day. Like I wouldn't make out my to-do list and only have writing and studying for hours and hours on Monday and Tuesday, while the other days have more active things. I have a variety of things going on each day. So I might write and study for a couple of hours, but I also include cleaning, exercise, going outside to check on things or do some yard work, etc. I am less likely to stick to a to do list full of things that are all the same. Like a day full of yard work, I'd be likely to procrastinate, but I can totally do a bit each day. I also "reward" myself with some screen time or reading time after I've done a particularly distasteful task. But I have limits set up on my phone and I don't let myself turn it off. 

 

Yes, that is how I schedule my days as well.  Here is a somewhat typical schedule when I am home:
4-5 am quiet time, coffee ( Morning pages, Bible reading, devotional reading, etc.)
5-6:30ish Work on a writing project
6:30-8  Walk with my husband or my friend
8- 9:30 or so  Work on a missions project ( designing posters, newsletter, emails to new mission participants, etc.) Read a book.
9:30-10  Housework of some kind
10-11  Work on podcasts or social media about podcasts
11-12  Phone calls, housework, etc. (Sometimes I have ZOOM meetings at this time)
12-12:30 lunch with hubby

At this point in the day I am tired and losing momentum. 
12:30-2  Listen to an abide meditation, read a book, sometimes take a catnap.
2-3   Household chore.  Laundry. Finances (entering stuff in Mint, paying bills) 
3-4:30  Creating a video or podcast (recording was earlier)
About this time I am really starting to lose momentum.  Maybe housework. Contine reading a book ( Generally have 3-4 going at the same time)
6-7 Hubby and I will eat dinner while watching a show
7- Hubby goes back outside to work on something..  I really, really struggle at this point. I am tired of reading.  My brain is done.  Writing isn't an option either. What I would spend 2 hours on would take 15 minutes in the morning when I am fresh. I really don't know what to do here. I tend to be on here.  Even social media isn't appealing though sometimes I scroll because I have nothing to do.  Social media isn't truly my problem, it is being on here or researching way too much on things that really don't matter. But if I am on the computer during this time, I have trouble going to sleep, so I try not to be on it after 7.  So again, what to do...
9pm  Bedtime

That is a good day. However, if I have a meeting in the morning or doctor's appointment where I am not productive in the morning, when I get home in the afternoon, I have little motivation and may hide in my study watching my iPad.  Or the other day when I started the thread and for most of this week I struggled because the exchange girls were here.  I was running them back and forth and half the time I was just waiting for a phone call to tell me what time to come get them or bring them someplace.  I had pockets of time to do things. I have lists I could have chosen things, but it is like that uncertainty just makes my brain unable to work if I am just going to be interrupted.  The last couple of days since they left have been very good ones. 

Edited July 7, 2023 by TexasProud

[Carol in Cal.]

You're not getting enough sleep on that schedule.  No wonder you don't feel well.

[TexasProud]

30 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

You're not getting enough sleep on that schedule.  No wonder you don't feel well.

If you have suggestions let me know.  I do not set an alarm.  Sometimes I wake up at 3.  Sometimes at 1.  I won't get out of bed until 4.  But yeah, I don't sleep well.  Haven't in decades.