BIL called a family meeting

[saraha]

BIL called a family meeting for tomorrow morning, siblings only. His son is the one doing the lions share of the babysitting for mil. I am really nervous although dh doesn’t seem to be, or is hiding it better than me. I plan to lay out what things I am willing to do tonight in a conversation after the kids go to bed, just so we are on the same page. 😬

[kbutton]

I hope it goes well! I think your plan is a good one. 

[scholastica]

Praying for your meeting. 

[JustEm]

I would have your dh ask if major changes need to be discussed and made at the meeting tomorrow, because if so, spouses need to be included.

[Grace Hopper]

15 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I hope it goes well! I think your plan is a good one. 

Agree! And maybe even jot a few concise notes for dh as a reminder. 
 

This is a GOOD thing, saraha. It hopefully means others are seeing the light that things cannot continue as they were. I’m sure it won’t be easy but hopefully productive. Maybe ask your dh that if anything is asked of you beyond what you stated to him prior to the meeting, he needs to be prepared to  face the ask and have a response ready. 

[saraha]

I’m nervous because I have gotten committed to things before without my consent, but I think dh and I are in a better place now, although this will be the first test of that. There is just SO MUCH HISTORY that I want to believe this will be different, but am wary.

And I’m worried for dh. Standing up for yourself or wife is much easier to do over text than in person. I have been excluded from the family text conversations for a long time now, so other than what dh tells me or fil when I take meals over, I don’t know.

Ack, I know I’m over thinking it. It’s going to be a long night. I’m trying to be proactive with my anxiety and sent dh into town with orders to pick up Chinese food and a bottle of something we can share and take the edge off 

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I would have your dh ask if major changes need to be discussed and made at the meeting tomorrow, because if so, spouses need to be included.

I wish

[Kassia]

I hope it all goes well and that things are fair.  I'd be a wreck too.  Hugs.

[saraha]

This was my last week with my little old guy, he is a snowbird. So I will be unemployed again. That makes the timing of this meeting suspicious. Or, like I said I am blowing a coincidence all out of proportion.

[Grace Hopper]

Your dh should not speak for you to commit you to anything without your specific consent! I’d be making that clear to him, albeit over a nice takeout dinner. 

[JustEm]

Just now, saraha said:

This was my last week with my little old guy, he is a snowbird. So I will be unemployed again. That makes the timing of this meeting suspicious. Or, like I said I am blowing a coincidence all out of proportion.

I hope you are able to make it clear to dh what you are willing to help with tonight and if he comes out of the meeting with a different plan, you are able to say no

[Faith-manor]

4 minutes ago, saraha said:

This was my last week with my little old guy, he is a snowbird. So I will be unemployed again. That makes the timing of this meeting suspicious. Or, like I said I am blowing a coincidence all out of proportion.

Stick to your guns. Don't show up for stuff that they 'assign" to you that you did not agree to because ya, the timing is suspicious.💓

[saraha]

I’m more worried that because I took a stand it will be “this is what your expected family contribution is” and dh will be like ok we can work that out and I end up being the one to work it out. He means well, but time management is not his strong suit. 
 

im trying to remind myself this is just anxiety talking

[Scarlett]

I can’t express how annoyed I am that this is sibling only meeting.That is so so far out of line with the reality of what the needs are.

[Scarlett]

I mean, who gets to decide this is sibling only.  You should just show up.  And your Dh should say ‘ we are a team’.

[freesia]

I think you should just go to the meeting. Sibling only is controlling and ridiculous if you will be expected to do anything. 

[freesia]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I mean, who gets to decide this is sibling only.  You should just show up.  And your Dh should say ‘ we are a team’.

Yes! Posted at the same time!

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

I think you should just go to the meeting. Sibling only is controlling and ridiculous if you will be expected to do anything. 

Yes!  My husband’s siblings would never in a million years exclude me from a family meeting.  That is weird.  

[saraha]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I mean, who gets to decide this is sibling only.  You should just show up.  And your Dh should say ‘ we are a team’.

I wish. That is not how this family runs. Dsil is head of the family now with fil’s lessened abilities. Bil’s wife and I are squarely at the bottom of the totem pole, with dh right above us.

[JustEm]

5 minutes ago, saraha said:

I’m more worried that because I took a stand it will be “this is what your expected family contribution is” and dh will be like ok we can work that out and I end up being the one to work it out. He means well, but time management is not his strong suit. 
 

im trying to remind myself this is just anxiety talking

And if that is what happens you let everyone know that the new expectations don't work for your family and a new family meeting needs to be scheduled so they can go back to the drawing board. And encourage all involved adults to be invited. 

All you can do really is hold your boundary

[Scarlett]

Just now, hjffkj said:

And if that is what happens you let everyone know that the new expectations don't work for your family and a new family meeting needs to be scheduled so they can go back to the drawing board. And encourage all involved adults to be invited. 

All you can do really is hold your boundary

Yes. So true,  I would like to give them a piece of my mind though. 

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

I wish. That is not how this family runs. Dsil is head of the family now with fil’s lessened abilities. Bil’s wife and I are squarely at the bottom of the totem pole, with dh right above us.

That’s in her mind. You can show up and take a stand. You don’t need to do what she wants. It’s just her loud opinion but you have something she wants, not the other way round. 

[Grace Hopper]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I can’t express how annoyed I am that this is sibling only meeting.That is so so far out of line with the reality of what the needs are.

OP do you think that they’ve asked for siblings only because the others think your dh is a pushover?

Hopefully he is ready and able to say, if you are asking if saraha will do xyz, you need to invite saraha to the meeting. 

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, freesia said:

That’s in her mind. You can show up and take a stand. You don’t need to do what she wants. It’s just her loud opinion but you have something she wants, not the other way round. 

Except dh doesn’t want me to stand up and make a stand. He wants to deal with  them himself. 

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

OP do you think that they’ve asked for siblings only because the others think your dh is a pushover?

Hopefully he is ready and able to say, if you are asking if saraha will do xyz, you need to invite saraha to the meeting. 

I hope so. Or that he at least says I will check with her

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Except dh doesn’t want me to stand up and make a stand. He wants to deal with  them himself. 

Honestly, so what?

I know that may sound terrible to you, but if there is even the slightest chance that DH will be committing you to any kind of responsibility, you are entitled to be at that meeting and speak your mind, whether your dh and his family like it or not.

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, freesia said:

That’s in her mind. You can show up and take a stand. You don’t need to do what she wants. It’s just her loud opinion but you have something she wants, not the other way round. 

Absolutely! She's trying to control the entire narrative here, and she knows she can bully your dh if you're not there. So be there. 

Also, if your dh insists on going alone, let him know that you reserve the right to veto any and all plans that involve you in any way -- or that involve your dh to the point of inconveniencing you.

Be tough here. You've been doing so well. Don't let your SIL sabotage you!

[Starr]

It can be easier for him with you not there perhaps. He can just say he can't speak for you and that he will get back to them.

[saraha]

Just now, Starr said:

It can be easier for him with you not there perhaps. He can just say he can't speak for you and that he will get back to them.

Good point

[saraha]

I started a funny movie thread to set a pleasant tone for dh and I til we talk. If anyone has any suggestions please share

[Spryte]

Stand firm, and make sure DH knows that he can’t commit you (or anyone else’s not-present spouse, not that I think he would try!) to doing anything. If they want to “assign chores” they need to communicate directly with the assignees. That makes his answer pretty simple: “I’ll have to discuss this with saraha, and get back to you.”
 

I agree, it’s suspicious. 

 

[kiwik]

You have to make it really clear to your husband that he does not agree with anything unless he runs it past you first.  Though maybe agree on a couple of things in advance to make it less obvious.

Edited November 5, 2022 by kiwik

[Starr]

He shouldn't even tell them what you are willing to do or not. He's fact finding. And it's a good time to say they need more help than is available with the family. Pray for miracles. 😉

[Scarlett]

I agree.  Your Dh must understand he can’t speak for you.  

[Grace Hopper]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I mean, who gets to decide this is sibling only.  You should just show up.  And your Dh should say ‘ we are a team’.

TBH I have two very rational BsIL and their partners… not so much. They would not make a serious discussion about critical parental needs very easy. DH looks to me because I’ve been through a lot with my elders, but I would definitely suggest to him he meet - at least at first - with just his siblings, to ensure a rational discussion. 

[Matryoshka]

49 minutes ago, saraha said:

I wish. That is not how this family runs. Dsil is head of the family now with fil’s lessened abilities. Bil’s wife and I are squarely at the bottom of the totem pole, with dh right above us.

My feeling is if they don't consider you enough of a member of the family to include in the planning, you also have no familial responsibility to pitch in to help. They shouldn't be allowed to have it both ways.

[Grace Hopper]

OP if dh commits you to do something you don’t want to do, let him know he’s going to have to be the one to explain things when you don’t show up to do it. 
 

This is the time to hold your ground so that it becomes clear to all that y’all can’t keep this ship from sinking. You need professional assistance for the level of care MIL now requires. I truly hope BIL will be speaking up on behalf of his son to say that the young man can’t do it anymore. You just can’t get pegged to be the gap filler. They are going to have to part with some of their anticipated inheritance $ to provide skilled care for their mother. 

[Lecka]

Just don’t do the stuff you don’t want to do.

Let them think what they will.  Let your husband be “in trouble.”  
 

It’s the only way.  If your husband can’t figure out his sibling dynamics — well — I think it’s possible to have sympathy for him but still not do stuff you don’t want to do.  He can go back and say it won’t work after all.  Or you can still just not do it.  
 

You can do what you want, what you think is fair, reasonable, and appropriate, and change as it suits you.  
 

And you can let things go if you think that’s what it will take for different/more plans to be made.  
 

Personally I would be happy to not have to attend some sibling meeting with “the elder sibling giving out edicts” or maybe some siblings decided stuff together and are now putting it out.  
 

Because!  
 

I look at it as if you’re not there, it’s not your thing, you don’t have to do what they want you to do.  
 

Honestly op — I don’t have an impression like these relatives particularly like or respect you and your husband is stuck in a childhood sibling role.

I definitely might not be remembering that right!
 

But just being at a meeting does not mean there will be a fair exchange.  And that is really being telegraphed I think!

 

If someone is supposed to come to your house — you do have to take an action to keep that from happening.

 

But if it’s for you to go somewhere else — just be busy, drive into town on a pretext, whatever.  Have a cooking project you can’t leave.  Be cleaning and not able to just drop what you are doing.  
 

Go out and turn the ringer on your phone off, it’s an option.  

[Lecka]

I totally agree about seeming like a second-tier family member.

 

But even if you were first tier — it wouldn’t be okay.

 

If someone has to see things deteriorate before they can believe it’s bad enough to warrant x, y, z ——- I think that is a common situation and a difficult situation.  But I don’t think it sounds like that is something in your power to influence other than by keeping things going so that it’s not seen.  
 

 

[Lecka]

Because — I think it is so stressful and unnecessary, it sounds like.  
 

And it’s one of those things that people can think is so easy and not even an inconvenience when they are not the one doing it.  

[Moonhawk]

Can you take a middle ground, where you aren't in the room -- since it's sibling only -- but you're outside the door or in the yard or something, so that if the conversation turns to duties and caretaking specifics, your DH can say, "I can't speak for Saraha, let's bring her in." 

• If they reply, "This is sibling only": he needs to then say, "Then we can't discuss what anyone outside the room can or should do."
• If they reply, "But my spouse isn't here, it wouldn't be fair": he can say that they can be put on speakerphone or drive over (if it's like a 15 minute drive or something short), or schedule another meeting
• If they reply, "She doesn't need to be a part of these decisions": he needs to say, "Then she won't be a part of any of the solutions."

This way your DH gets what he wants (to handle them himself) but doesn't have to even give the appearance of agreeing to something by saying, "I'll check with Saraha". They WANT to get him to say something that could plausibly be taken as an agreement. Just take that option away by cutting it off at the head. If they want you to agree to something, or have him run something by you, they can do it in realtime instead.

 

[SoylentGreen]

Man, I wouldn't go along with any jobs you are volunteered to perform. Like, not one single thing. Siblings only? Ok, then only siblings are doing the work. 

They are not your supervisor. They don't get to assign you jobs while also keeping you from providing input. 

It doesn't matter if you are unemployed. How you spend your time is irrelevant.

You are not their subordinate. 

[Faith-manor]

In my head, I hear myself saying to bil, "You called a family only meeting. I wasn't invited. Therefore, I am not family. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Sucks to be you. Suck it up buttercup!" Then I just walk away calmly sipping my coffee.

[maize]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

Except dh doesn’t want me to stand up and make a stand. He wants to deal with  them himself. 

He can start standing up to them by informing them that he won't attend any meeting without you and you as a couple will accept no obligations you did not jointly agree to.

If plans are to be discussed that involve labor and contributions by you, you need to be there. Anything else is ridiculous.

Edited November 5, 2022 by maize

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[maize]

2 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

TBH I have two very rational BsIL and their partners… not so much. They would not make a serious discussion about critical parental needs very easy. DH looks to me because I’ve been through a lot with my elders, but I would definitely suggest to him he meet - at least at first - with just his siblings, to ensure a rational discussion. 

That's fine, as long as what is discussed does not involve the people not invited.

In the family under discussion, there is a history of expectations being put upon the inlaw. If inlaws are expected to undertake family obligations, they absolutely must be involved in family discussions and decisions.

[Ting Tang]

I’m sorry; I hope all goes well. You’re not a doormat. I have dealt with a similar type of relationship with my in-laws on certain issues. I’ve been vacationing in Minnesota for the last 14 summers because it’s THEIR family’s happy place. Not the same issue, but the same dynamics. I bite my tongue a lot less these days.  Your husband should say he’ll have to defer to you if it affects you. They have no right to have power over you/your time when you’re not even invited to the conversation. The timing is suspect.  You are not a puppet, and you do not have strings. I hope your DH comes through for you! 

Edited November 5, 2022 by Ting Tang

[Carol in Cal.]

I suggest that you role play with your DH.  It’s easy to say, don’t commit for me, and easy for him to agree in the moment.  But the rubber meets the road if you say, OK, so, Big Sis says, I assume that you all will be covering Tuesday through Thursday…what do you say then?  If the answer is crickets, you would benefit from giving him some ideas about what to say.

Like, “We will need a follow up meeting to see who steps up to do what, one that includes all of our spouses since this will impact them so much.”  Or, “Sarah and I will continue to provide xyz.  I am not going to commit to anything beyond that without her being included in the next meeting.”  Or, “No, that won’t work for me.”  Or, “I will need to think about that.  I’m not prepared to decide tonight.”  And, “When we have our future meetings about this I will not be attending without Sarah.”

[saraha]

Thank you all for your support. It feels so good to not feel like a jerk. I love my in-laws, but this trial has made the shine finish coming off for sure.

You know, when we were dating and first married, we didn’t live near his family. It wasn’t until we moved “back here” a few years after we got married that I began to realize the pull his family had in him.

Edited November 5, 2022 by saraha

[saraha]

3 hours ago, Lecka said:

Honestly op — I don’t have an impression like these relatives particularly like or respect you and your husband is stuck in a childhood sibling role.

I definitely might not be remembering that right!

Nope you are right