Confused about this food situation with SIL

[Indigo Blue]

We’ve never had family reunions. Unnnntiiiilll  now. Dh side will now do a yearly reunion, with our taking turns with hosting because we are divided into two six hour apart groups. This is family he rarely gets to see, some of whom he’s never met. 
 

We had our first reunion yesterday.
 

There’s so much history with Sis-n-law, going back to when we were in high school together. She can be extremely blunt and hurtful to family members when they are in their most vulnerable moments. She has always been verbally opposed to my being a stay home mom (behind my back). She is openly very opposed to any young person in our family not having a job during high school/college. Ours did not, (as a family, we decided this was best) and there were comments made to Dh about that. She was overly harsh to my children when they were very young. She was harsh, well, actually, abusive to her own young children. I’ll be frank. I don’t like her, but I don’t see her often. So, I get along with her at family gatherings. 
 

At past family gatherings, she has always cooked enough food for everyone and then some.  I’ve always just brought a dessert, without communicating with her beforehand. Because…..I generally don’t. One year, I decided to make an attempt to make it a more collaborative effort, and I asked her what to bring that would round things out and take some burden off. She sharply replied that I didn’t have to ask her what to bring and to just bring what I want. Well, that was the day that I decided I wasn’t going to care about what food was brought or not brought one way or another anymore. There didn’t seem to be any sense in making it a point of stress. 
 

So, when the reunion came up, they did ask us to bring a deli tray. Just a deli tray. 
 

Yesterday, she brought sooooo much food. Large pans of homemade Mac n cheese, chicken n dumplings, bbq, two huge pans of baked beans, corn, Lima beans, two giant pans of pasta salad, two giant pans of corn bread, two pies, a huge pan of another dessert, and more. We were feeding 30 people. 
 

I really feel on the one hand that she wants to have the whole thing covered all by herself. Like, intentionally, on purpose.  It just feels that way. And then there’s all the unspoken tension between us. It feels like some sort of contest/rivalry. But then I feel like I’m being ridiculous for thinking this way. I can’t make sense of it. She’s toxic, so it make sense she could be covertly petty about this. But is she?
 

I brought enough, in addition to what was there, for about half the people to make a sandwich, and a beautiful fruit tray with cheese cubes. Only the fruit tray was eaten. So much ham and cheese we will not eat. And lettuce. 
 

I’m not doing that again. Next time, I’ll bring a small fruit tray and one really nice dish. 

Otherwise, I really enjoyed the day, and everyone seemed so nice. I did spend a lot  of the time with some really nice little guys (brothers) who were middle school age. I watched ds play chess with them. 
 

I thought there was going to be a lot of clean up, but all those people just jumped up and started helping clean and put things away. They were great, and I appreciated that they did that. 
 

Things are just not ever going to be normal with SIL and me. That’s fine with me, but I do want things to go smoothly for family peace. 
 

I just don’t know what to think about SIL and the whole food thing. I mean, I know what I’ll do going forward, but I can’t decide if I feel she’s being oblivious or a bit intentional……. I wouldn’t give it a second thought if not for all the history. 
 

 

[mommyoffive]

I vote intentional based on her history and also how she reacted to you asking about what to bring.  Who acts like that when someone asks to help out???

[catz]

My SIL is kind of a control freak when it comes to food and family events.  She has sent me recipes that she expects me to follow.  Or assign me something we don't eat.   Maybe food is your SILs love language.  Maybe she is super picky about food (my ILs are, I hate cooking for them honestly.  They eat like toddlers).  Maybe she enjoys mind games.  I wouldn't invest any more energy thinking about it.  

I've taken to bringing stuff I know we will eat/use at some point if it doesn't go.  If she tries to assign me something I don't want to cover, I just say nope, can't do that.  Like one year on Christmas day she wanted me to make something I would have had to make the days before.  But I was hosting my family on Christmas eve.  So I just said, I could double something else I'm making or I'll be bringing something off the shelf.  It's totally ok to have boundaries on it if she is being unreasonable to you.  

[Drama Llama]

Are you and she in the same one of the two groups?  Or do you live 6 hours apart?

Also, was this at your house or hers or somewhere else?  

 

[Acadie]

Can confirm she has major issues, based on what you describe! Lots of red flags around boundaries, judgment, control, and verbal abuse.

You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out what her deal is, and why. I think you're absolutely right just to do what works for you, like maybe contribute a bit of positive energy to a family gathering yet also prioritize protecting and caring for your own energy and heart. 

That and your relationships with the people you love are truly all that matter. SIL doesn't deserve more of your emotional energy or thought.

Sometimes if I find myself returning to interactions like that and ruminating on them, I come up with a reframing sentence or two to call on when I start thinking about it again. Here's one--

Irrelevant to my personal quest, except as an instance of what I am not, and do not wish to be in relationships with my family and friends.

Then focus on your personal quest and your beloveds!

[pinball]

So she brought more than enough food for the entire reunion group and she asked you to bring food, too.

You provided what she requested then provided MORE on top of that.

Part of your food (the requested part) wasn’t eaten.

you are wondering if she asked you to bring more food, knowing it would go to waste? I’m not sure what you mean by intentional. Or do you mean she intentionally wanted an abundance of food? And asked you to help provide that?

[Indigo Blue]

10 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Are you and she in the same one of the two groups?  Or do you live 6 hours apart?

Also, was this at your house or hers or somewhere else?  

 

We’re in the same group and live 10 minutes apart. The reunion was at a rented space. 

[Indigo Blue]

8 minutes ago, Acadie said:

You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out what her deal is, and why. I think you're absolutely right just to do what works for you, like maybe contribute a bit of positive energy to a family gathering yet also prioritize protecting and caring for your own energy and heart. 

This. Thanks. This is what I will do going forward. And to the bolded ….this was my attitude yesterday. 

[Drama Llama]

15 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

We’re in the same group and live 10 minutes apart. The reunion was at a rented space. 

I was worried that this was at or by her house, and then she'd judge you for not doing the same when it was your turn.  I still think it's possible she'll bring less next time to make you look bad when there's not enough.  But more likely there's a martyrdom piece.

Could you hand this to your husband?  This is his sister right?

[Bootsie]

It sounds as if she has a history of providing more than enough food for events.  I tend to do that  I start asking "what if everyone wants mac and cheese instead o some wanting lima beans?"  "what if all of the teens are going through a growth spurt?"...  Perhaps she has trouble estimating portion sizes and quantities.  Perhaps she just wants to make sure there is plenty and that some people can take leftovers home with them.  Perhaps she plans to feed her own family with the leftovers for the next week.  

It could be that she enjoys cooking and fedding a group of people. So long as she is not complaining that she had to do all of the work and that you did not help out enough, I wouldn't make any more out of it.  It sounds as if the two of you have very different approaches to feeding a crowd.  It sounds as if your style might be to figure out a menu, exactly how much of each item you need, split the work, and have things come out just about right.  Her approach sounds much more pot luck--a wide combination of items, no one goes hungry, and plenty of leftovers.  

[Indigo Blue]

And I’m going to let out one ugly. Because no one will know but this board and no harm will be done. And I can let off a bit of steam. 
 

There was a conversation yesterday that I was a witness to but not a participant. There was a back and forth about the current state of Covid. That it’s now “over” and they will never again wear masks. Then one person gave their opinion of what he thought of people who drive around in their cars alone wearing masks. My SIL replied, “Well, if the good Lord wants you to get Covid, you’re going to get Covid. I’m done with wearing masks for good.” 
 

Ok. So if or when you are feeling miserable from Covid, that means God was ready for you to suffer from it and His will is being done.
 

Please, now, let’s not concern ourselves with rational thoughts like, for example, protecting vulnerable people. Let’s just take comfort in knowing that someone above will let us know when it’s our turn to suffer.
 

Please know that this behavior wasn’t representative of the entire group, and there were others, including one hospital employee, who was a sound voice of reason. Not that it was discussed at length, but…it did come up. 

[Terabith]

Honestly, I would be in danger of being like your sister.  I hate cooking.  I don't have a great idea of how much food gatherings of x size require.  I want to be a good host, and I'm congenitally anxious, and it's easy for me to start second guessing things, the way @Bootsie describes.  So I'd worry about there not being enough but not be sure what enough would look like and would over compensate by bringing way too much.

That said, it's very possible that she's being a control freak and trying to make you look bad or something.  But I can easily imagine it just being due to anxiety or not great ideas about how much food is required.  

 

[Indigo Blue]

18 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Could you hand this to your husband?  This is his sister right?

Yes. His sister. I did let ds do the communicating this time, but it might go better if I just bring a dish that contributes to the overall meal that we could eat later rather than a whole separate other thing, like everything needed to make subs. It might be more…. fool proof? 

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Honestly, I would be in danger of being like your sister.  I hate cooking.  I don't have a great idea of how much food gatherings of x size require.  I want to be a good host, and I'm congenitally anxious, and it's easy for me to start second guessing things, the way @Bootsie describes.  So I'd worry about there not being enough but not be sure what enough would look like and would over compensate by bringing way too much.

That said, it's very possible that she's being a control freak and trying to make you look bad or something.  But I can easily imagine it just being due to anxiety or not great ideas about how much food is required.  

 

Even if you did over do it, it would not be the same attitude. You are not her. You could/would get together with me, and we’d plan it out. I have no doubt. 

[Drama Llama]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

Yes. His sister. I did let ds do the communicating this time, but it might go better if I just bring a dish that contributes to the overall meal that we could eat later rather than a whole separate other thing, like everything needed to make subs. It might be more…. fool proof? 

In our family, it works best if we're assigning things, to assign a category to someone, and then give that person freedom to decide how much and what variety.  So, for example, I'll do all the vegetables for a holiday meal (I'm often the vegetable person).  Or someone will take all the dessert.  Usually, the person doing the entree goes first, and we all kind of base off that.  Because otherwise it's hard without knowing what the other people are doing.  Or two people who like each other will team up to do a category together.  

[Indigo Blue]

18 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

It sounds as if she has a history of providing more than enough food for events.  I tend to do that  I start asking "what if everyone wants mac and cheese instead o some wanting lima beans?"  "what if all of the teens are going through a growth spurt?"...  Perhaps she has trouble estimating portion sizes and quantities.  Perhaps she just wants to make sure there is plenty and that some people can take leftovers home with them.  Perhaps she plans to feed her own family with the leftovers for the next week.  

It could be that she enjoys cooking and fedding a group of people. So long as she is not complaining that she had to do all of the work and that you did not help out enough, I wouldn't make any more out of it.  It sounds as if the two of you have very different approaches to feeding a crowd.  It sounds as if your style might be to figure out a menu, exactly how much of each item you need, split the work, and have things come out just about right.  Her approach sounds much more pot luck--a wide combination of items, no one goes hungry, and plenty of leftovers.  

This is entirely possible. It’s just that the history (and having other toxic family) makes me second guess her. I admit that. I second guess around people who just don’t seem to want a normal relationship. Maybe this is partly me, or not. I feel all uncomfy around her. I have since high school. But you could be entirely right. 

[Clarita]

I think it sounds like she would just prefer to be in charge of all the food. Out of politeness, she suggested something for you to bring.

It can be competitive, but you don't have to compete. With people who are competitive over everything, I just don't compete and be happy with my lack of work.

[Indigo Blue]

7 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

In our family, it works best if we're assigning things, to assign a category to someone, and then give that person freedom to decide how much and what variety.  So, for example, I'll do all the vegetables for a holiday meal (I'm often the vegetable person).  Or someone will take all the dessert.  Usually, the person doing the entree goes first, and we all kind of base off that.  Because otherwise it's hard without knowing what the other people are doing.  Or two people who like each other will team up to do a category together.  

This is what I would envision. It just doesn’t go that way. I always feel like the one just bringing some little insignificant thing when I really want to feel like I’m doing my part to help. And then my mind begins to wonder (it’s been this way for so many years) that there is just something else going on……

This is going to be a new tradition. So, I just have to be prepared to let things be as they are because I seemingly can’t change it. And not worry over it one way or another anymore. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, Clarita said:

I think it sounds like she would just prefer to be in charge of all the food. Out of politeness, she suggested something for you to bring.

It can be competitive, but you don't have to compete. With people who are competitive over everything, I just don't compete and be happy with my lack of work.

Yes. This. Exactly. 

[Bootsie]

Nobody is leaving hungry.  You are not being imposed upon to do more than your fair share of the work.  You are not having to spend time with someone you do not like to coordinate things.  It sounds as if your styles for feeding a crowd are much different, so I would just take comfort in the fact that you aren't being expected to do too much coordinating.  

Personally, I strongly dislke coordinating food for events.  I know of too many situations of  people complaining "well she said she would do the turkey and asked me to bring the green beans--green beans are so much harder than a turkey".  Or, I have been in the situation of "bring 2 dozen Snickers brownies to the potluck", when I had no idea of what Snickers brownies are; IMO, if it is coordinated to the point of a specific dessert someone should bring, it is not a potluck.

  Pre-covid we had a yearly event at work which the employer provided BBQ and people would sign up for different categories like "vegetables"--for which people would bring mac-n-cheese, lasanga, Swedish meatballs, a meat and cheese platter and "salads" for which people would bring chips and dips, cheese cubes, and chicken salad.  The first year I thought it was strange and there must have been a mess up in the coordination and sign up; the second year I paid close attention to the sign up sheet and , yes people wear signing up for "vegetable" and brining a pot of meatballs.   People just had their favortie they wanted to bring. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I just don’t know what to think about SIL and the whole food thing. I mean, I know what I’ll do going forward, but I can’t decide if I feel she’s being oblivious or a bit intentional……. I wouldn’t give it a second thought if not for all the history. 

I vote intentional and I have a SIL who would do that intentionally too. But I’m firmly in camp don’t-give-a-you-know-what about her passive aggressive shenanigans. My SIL would do exactly the same thing, and then would complain for the next ten years about how she “has to do everything”. 
 

Be the duck. Everything rolls off the duck. Just feign you’re oblivious to her. 

[Tanaqui]

It's a mistake to try to understand the motivations of toxic people. You run yourself in circles trying to figure it out, and in the end - you still don't really know. Honestly, SHE probably doesn't really know her true motivations deep down. She probably has a host of rationalizations to cover up the fact that she doesn't know why she's like this or why she does these things.

With that said, since you know what she's like, you can now do what you really want to do which is this: whatever the heck you like. Bring as much or as little food to family gatherings as you like, or undercut her one year and hire a catering service just because you think it's funny. It won't change her behavior or feelings or attitudes towards you one way or another.

Better yet - don't attend! It's not YOUR family reunion, after all, it's your husband's. Let him handle it while you go to a spa day.

[Indigo Blue]

15 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

It's a mistake to try to understand the motivations of toxic people. You run yourself in circles trying to figure it out, and in the end - you still don't really know. Honestly, SHE probably doesn't really know her true motivations deep down. She probably has a host of rationalizations to cover up the fact that she doesn't know why she's like this or why she does these things.

With that said, since you know what she's like, you can now do what you really want to do which is this: whatever the heck you like. Bring as much or as little food to family gatherings as you like, or undercut her one year and hire a catering service just because you think it's funny. It won't change her behavior or feelings or attitudes towards you one way or another.

Better yet - don't attend! It's not YOUR family reunion, after all, it's your husband's. Let him handle it while you go to a spa day.

Thanks. That helps. 
 

I do want to go because, goodness knows, there’s an extreme lack of normal/healthy relationships in my life. It’s nice to meet his side that we are just beginning to start to connect with. And they seem nice.  
 

I stayed all day yesterday. They had breakfast early today, but I stayed at home because…..I was done with being “on” and had to recharge, lol. 
 

 

Edited October 2, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Bambam]

I struggle with how much to make folks in a large gathering too. I've had large groups of teens over for meals, usually I have plenty so we have leftovers (freeze them to save for another day!), but once, and I thought I had more than enough, two extra teens showed up, and I barely had enough for everyone. So, of course, next time I make more because I don't want that to happen again! 

So, for me, I can see making a bunch of food, but honestly what she brought sounds like way too much work - I'd be tired by the time the event rolled around and would not enjoy it as much. And sometimes I do forget what/if I asked anyone to bring something. 

I agree with just not thinking about it. If/when you have another one, only agree to and take food that your family would enjoy (in case you have leftovers) and that is easy/acceptable to freeze.  If you are in charge of arranging/setting it up, I'd probably use a SignupGenuis with general categories. I'm bringing the meat (fried chicken) and have sign up slots for 3 veggies, 2 breads, 4 drinks, 4 desserts, and maybe one with paper plates/utensils, 1 ice, etc -> and I'd probably in the info section approximately how many people we think will be there.  I tend to do this with potlucks (which I know is probably over controlling) because I'm always afraid we will have an over abundance of brownies or green bean casserole! 

So - to me, relative has some problems. Those are her problems. I will do my best not to let them impact me. I hope you can go in future years and just enjoy chatting with the various relatives and getting to know some of them better! 

[Drama Llama]

Could you step away from food and do something else?  Say “I know that food is your specialty!  Would you like to cover that and we’ll arrange and cover the rental?  Or something like that?

 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Bootsie said:

It sounds as if she has a history of providing more than enough food for events.  I tend to do that  I start asking "what if everyone wants mac and cheese instead o some wanting lima beans?"  "what if all of the teens are going through a growth spurt?"...  Perhaps she has trouble estimating portion sizes and quantities.  Perhaps she just wants to make sure there is plenty and that some people can take leftovers home with them.  Perhaps she plans to feed her own family with the leftovers for the next week.  

It could be that she enjoys cooking and fedding a group of people. So long as she is not complaining that she had to do all of the work and that you did not help out enough, I wouldn't make any more out of it.  It sounds as if the two of you have very different approaches to feeding a crowd.  It sounds as if your style might be to figure out a menu, exactly how much of each item you need, split the work, and have things come out just about right.  Her approach sounds much more pot luck--a wide combination of items, no one goes hungry, and plenty of leftovers.  

This. My family is this way with picnics, but less so with sit down meals, oddly enough, lol! Something about picnic trips off about half the family's "but everyone might want mac and cheese" gene. At a sit down meal, it's more like, "there are so many yummy things, we know everyone will want a small dab of this and a dab of that, but we don't need to act like 12 people are going to eat 20 servings of xyz." Maybe it's the fresh air? Lol!

1 hour ago, Clarita said:

It can be competitive, but you don't have to compete. With people who are competitive over everything, I just don't compete and be happy with my lack of work.

Yep. I have a relative that is kind of a control freak and probably a bit competitive, but more of a control freak. I can't work with her due to her impulsive ADHD behavior in the kitchen (she's dangerous and rude--she flies all over the kitchen in a flurry no matter how packed it is and whether or not people are using sharp knives or dealing with hot stuff; if she finishes a task, she'll literally take your task out of your hands, and you are left to find something else to do that she will then micromanage as well). Anyway, I have tried a million things to do, and what's left is to do nothing and be okay with her thinking I am lazy. It smarts because she thinks she's super efficient at everything, but it's really often just blunt force. I am actually pretty good at getting a lot done with less effort--it was what I was known for before she became part of the family. It's hurtful, but she has no clue. She's an only child, she was programmed/controlled by her own mother (who is now deceased), and no one has ever really expected her to blend with others (my family started out wanting to be accepting and not critical, and it got out of hand). 

I don't see her often enough to have the kind of relationship where I can rock the boat on those things. I could say something to my brother, but I never get to have a solo conversation with him, so even if I did get a chance, I'd probably want to talk with him about something else.

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

This is what I would envision. It just doesn’t go that way. I always feel like the one just bringing some little insignificant thing when I really want to feel like I’m doing my part to help. And then my mind begins to wonder (it’s been this way for so many years) that there is just something else going on……

This is going to be a new tradition. So, I just have to be prepared to let things be as they are because I seemingly can’t change it. And not worry over it one way or another anymore. 

I think you should go and just enjoy everyone else. You shouldn't let her keep you from that.

You guys sounds like oil and water. I don't think she sounds toxic from this thread, just maybe abrupt and prickly. 

I doubt other people who show up are thinking you aren't doing your part. 

 

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, kbutton said:

You guys sounds like oil and water

We are.

 

5 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I don't think she sounds toxic from this thread

She is!

 

6 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I doubt other people who show up are thinking you aren't doing your part. 

I agree. Thanks. 

[2squared]

My MIL is similar in that she will assign us food to bring, and then she will have already provided our item plus far more other food. For instance, we are supposed to bring two apple pies. We show up and she already has three other types of pies, so we end up taking most of what we brought home. 

We solved the issue by bringing either minimal of what she asks or nothing. My dh hates the over abundance of food, so we oftentimes end up taking nothing. I’m OK with it. If she really wanted the help with food, she wouldn’t prepare all the xtra stuff. 

[mathnerd]

I have in-laws who cook everything, dominate, loudly talk about how much work they needed to put in to get all that food ready and will obstruct my attempt to contribute or help or even bring anything to the event. This is their way of "including" me because they have to for the sake of their son/brother but keeping the important stuff like food to themselves. So, when the time comes, they enjoy having the spotlight 100% on themselves and how hard they worked for the sake of their extended family (extreme Martyr complex), how talented a cook they are and how delicious the food is, how competent they are at putting this together, and then bask in all the thanks and gratitude of the guests, then get on WhatsApp and boast to their large gossip circle about who said complimentary things about them at the event, how their cooking was well received etc. I call this behavior Attention Mongering while at the same time taking passive digs at me. The official reason they give me for not including me even when I offer is that I tend to be "busy" and they don't want to bother me out of consideration for me!

If this is the kind of domineering SIL you have, my sympathies! I am capable of keeping my distance, putting on a pleasant face and enjoying the company of younger people who don't get involved in the politics.

The last family get-together we attended, the SIL and MIL dominated yet again and provided every single thing and the decorations. I ended up contributing paper plates, cups, fancier disposable cutlery and about 200 water bottles from Costco. Nobody ever complimented me for doing anything, the spotlight was on them 100% and that is how they wanted it to be and I am totally fine with that because it is their choice to behave that way.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, 2squared said:

My dh hates the over abundance of food

Oh, so do I. Just so much excess. It just seems wrong, somehow. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, 2squared said:

If she really wanted the help with food, she wouldn’t prepare all the xtra stuff. 

This is so true. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, mathnerd said:

I am capable of keeping my distance, putting on a pleasant face and enjoying the company of younger people who don't get involved in the politics.

Yes! 
 

I’m sorry you have to deal with all that. You handle it well. I guess this is all you can really do.

And I don’t feel this is in the same category of someone who compulsively brings too much for fear of not having enough. What you describe is a whole different thing. 

[Shoeless]

@mathnerdI have a relative that does the same thing, not with food, but with all other types of labor a family might provide. We offer help, but it's always wrong, so *sigh*, they have to do it themselves. The truth is they don't want anyone else to help because they'd have to share the spotlight. 

 

@Indigo Blue is this the SIL that is a pill with inlaw care? If it is, I would bring something she hates to eat and every last bite of it in front of her while making yum-yum noises.  Because I am petty like that. 

[Indigo Blue]

@MissLemon, no, that’s not me. That’s another person who is going through all the in law care trouble.

[lauraw4321]

I’m from the South. If there isn’t around 2x the amount of food actually needed, people get nervous there isn’t enough. Every Thanksgiving I end up adding in one more casserole, as does my mom, because this is so engrained in us. Is it possible she’s southern? 

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, lauraw4321 said:

Is it possible she’s southern? 

Lol, Laura, we both are! Sometimes I think I wasn’t meant to be, though. 🤔

[pinball]

34 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Oh, so do I. Just so much excess. It just seems wrong, somehow. 

After reading all your posts this far, it seems like this woman can do nothing right in your eyes. It sounds very much like a BEC situation. 
 

It’d probably be better for your mental health to excuse yourself from further interaction.

[Grace Hopper]

5 hours ago, Bootsie said:

It sounds as if she has a history of providing more than enough food for events.  I tend to do that  I start asking "what if everyone wants mac and cheese instead o some wanting lima beans?"  "what if all of the teens are going through a growth spurt?"...  Perhaps she has trouble estimating portion sizes and quantities.  Perhaps she just wants to make sure there is plenty and that some people can take leftovers home with them.  Perhaps she plans to feed her own family with the leftovers for the next week.  

It could be that she enjoys cooking and fedding a group of people. So long as she is not complaining that she had to do all of the work and that you did not help out enough, I wouldn't make any more out of it.  It sounds as if the two of you have very different approaches to feeding a crowd.  It sounds as if your style might be to figure out a menu, exactly how much of each item you need, split the work, and have things come out just about right.  Her approach sounds much more pot luck--a wide combination of items, no one goes hungry, and plenty of leftovers.  

I have never enjoyed group projects and coordinating who brings what to a meal falls into that category for me! When I am hosting I like to do it all - because that’s way easier for me than multiple messages. In the years we’ve done holiday stuff with lots of people, and everyone brought stuff, we ended up with way too many items than we had space for. And lots of leftovers and perishables things people just figured they’d re-cover and stick in my fridge for a few hours til they left the party (which is typically hours and hours). And I’d have to stop whatever visiting I’m doing to rearrange the fridge. People complained about being assigned food groups or categories of what to bring, but when it was left open, no one else brought vegetables or main dishes, it was always desserts or chips and dip. Food allergies went neglected. Way easier for me to just do it than to wrangle all the unpredictability for what was supposed to be a complete sit down meal (as opposed to a grazing party). A true pot luck is just that - pot luck - and a casual get together at an outside location is also often pot luckish - but by golly if I’ve invited you to my house for a meal, I’m going to make sure you are well fed!
 

Like Bootsie above, I do over-plan and  prepare excess, to make sure we don’t run out and that there are enough choices to satisfy all, and to send leftovers home (especially for the elderly and young adults). It’s not a power play - I certainly don’t go on about all the work I put into it - to me it’s just the way I host events. If you’re my guest, you’re my guest! If people want to bring items I ask them to bring their beverage of choice. Sometimes I’ll have folks bring desserts and I admit that even when I do expect desserts to be brought, I often have an extra something stashed that can meet the needs of known food allergens others may not think of, plus a gallon of ice cream and some chocolate syrup - items I’ll only bring out quietly if an allergy person’s need wasn’t met, or there’s not enough/we’ve run out. 

If someone asks me to bring food to something they are planning, I am happy to do it and try to get them to specifically state what they want me to bring. Not a problem! Not a competition! I just really (a) like to know the menu is adequate and thoughtful, and (b) I hate herding cats. 
 

OP, I have no idea what your SIL’s reasons are for doing things the way she does. You’ve said you don’t like her. I would encourage you to just offer what you think is reasonable and decide not to care what anyone else thinks - unless it’s your own husband thinking your contribution should be more. 

[gardenmom5]

She wants control of the food.  Why - is irrelevant because the fact is her behavior is controlling the food.  Is it mostly her family?  I'd let her have it, and just ignore it.  Did other people bring food - or just her?

If asked to bring something, you can accept or decline.

Maybe she's competing against you (in her head), maybe she wants her family to notice her efforts (and give her lots of pats) and it has nothing to do with you.

when dealing with this type of person (controlling people are often insecure) - refuse to play the game.  They can't compete against themselves.

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, lauraw4321 said:

I’m from the South. If there isn’t around 2x the amount of food actually needed, people get nervous there isn’t enough. Every Thanksgiving I end up adding in one more casserole, as does my mom, because this is so engrained in us. Is it possible she’s southern? 

Lol true! However, in my case it’s not another different type of dish, it’s one extra plate or pan of something I already planned to serve. Running out of food at a gathering is like a cardinal sin (eta, of southern food culture, I mean). 

Edited October 2, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Grace Hopper]

3 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

She wants control of the food.  Why - is irrelevant because the fact is her behavior is controlling the food.  Is it mostly her family?  I'd let her have it, and just ignore it.  Did other people bring food - or just her?

If asked to bring something, you can accept or decline.

Maybe she's competing against you (in her head), maybe she wants her family to notice her efforts (and give her lots of pats) and it has nothing to do with you.

when dealing with this type of person (controlling people are often insecure) - refuse to play the game.  They can't compete against themselves.

Based on my previous post, you might peg me as controlling. I figure I can either “control” the menu or control/manage the often challenging communications and planning of a group menu. To me it’s more a matter of what challenge to choose! 😂

[Danae]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Oh, so do I. Just so much excess. It just seems wrong, somehow. 

I suspect this is the problem.  Some people think lots of excess is wasteful, others think it’s necessary for a feast.  She probably thinks the amount of food you would plan is terribly skimpy, which might be why she doesn’t want to make a plan with you. Neither of you is wrong, it’s a clash of styles/cultures.  

[KungFuPanda]

I would give up trying to determine her reasons and just show up with a dish that’s not meat-laden or starchy. Your fruit platter seemed like a great addition. Maybe that and a veggie platter can be your go-to and call it done. With 30 other people you can just avoid her. 

[Storygirl]

Sometimes people who want to control the food at gatherings have malicious intent. My sister had someone in her husband's family who was definitely like this, so it can happen.

But there are many reasons why people want to control the food choices that are not malicious.

There isn't evidence in your OP to point definitively one way or another, but it's obvious that you have bad feelings. You can't change the other person, but you can try to reframe your own thinking and feelings. For example, even if she is angling to show others up, that is not directed specifically at YOU but at everyone, so try not to take it personally and chalk it up to her idiosyncrasies.

On a practical note, you can portion out the meat and cheese from the deli tray and put it in your freezer for later use. There is no reason to throw it out.

In my experience, the abundance of food at events like this is not really "waste." It just turns into leftovers, and people don't have to cook for a few days.

[Indigo Blue]

@Grace HopperI wouldn’t think of you as controlling. I also like to do things myself and think it’s easier sometimes than trying to delegate. For me, it’s just the awkwardness between us and having to navigate family meal planning. It’s really small stuff, but I let it bug me sometimes. 

[Grace Hopper]

7 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

This is entirely possible. It’s just that the history (and having other toxic family) makes me second guess her. I admit that. I second guess around people who just don’t seem to want a normal relationship. Maybe this is partly me, or not. I feel all uncomfy around her. I have since high school. But you could be entirely right. 

Well that’s some spidey sense you can’t ignore. You will probably never trust her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t occasionally have a meal together, as long as you can choose to not be bothered by her actions, attitudes or opinions (as long as they are not confrontational or injurious to your immediate people). 
 

Bring enough to make you feel like you’ve made a reasonable contribution. If waste is your concern, have a cooler with ice and ziploc bags in your car to cart away leftovers. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[heartlikealion]

9 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

So, when the reunion came up, they did ask us to bring a deli tray. Just a deli tray. 

Yesterday, she brought sooooo much food. Large pans of homemade Mac n cheese, chicken n dumplings, bbq, two huge pans of baked beans, corn, Lima beans, two giant pans of pasta salad, two giant pans of corn bread, two pies, a huge pan of another dessert, and more. We were feeding 30 people. 

I really feel on the one hand that she wants to have the whole thing covered all by herself. Like, intentionally, on purpose.  It just feels that way. And then there’s all the unspoken tension between us. It feels like some sort of contest/rivalry. But then I feel like I’m being ridiculous for thinking this way. I can’t make sense of it. She’s toxic, so it make sense she could be covertly petty about this. But is she?

I brought enough, in addition to what was there, for about half the people to make a sandwich, and a beautiful fruit tray with cheese cubes. Only the fruit tray was eaten. So much ham and cheese we will not eat. And lettuce. 

I’m not doing that again. Next time, I’ll bring a small fruit tray and one really nice dish. 

I don’t understand how you landed at that conclusion. 

My personal train of thought: 

She had main course covered plus dessert. She wanted appetizers/something for people to graze on. Insert deli tray. 

Deli tray wasn’t a hit. She didn’t think of fruit tray. 

I would not bring a side dish when she’s hosting. There was plenty of food. I would bring what she asked for. If nothing was asked for, I would bring what I thought was a good contribution— like a fruit tray again. 

I found out the hard way that my MIL wanted to control everything for meals and most additions were not truly appreciated. In fact, we were stepping on toes. To not step on toes, I would try to do what was asked and nothing more when she’s in charge. Unless your dh thinks it’s worth it to cause waves. She probably left asking why your brought fruit lol 

editing to say - xh and I did sometimes break rules but in a way that we felt was a compromise. We sometimes brought some snacks for before the main meal on a big holiday where we’d be sitting around for hours. I took a risk and brought pigs in a blanket once which she may not have appreciated but was otherwise well received and since it wasn’t a “made from scratch” thing seemed less controversial? 

Edited October 3, 2022 by heartlikealion

[heartlikealion]

I would see if you can freeze some of the leftovers. 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Lol true! However, in my case it’s not another different type of dish, it’s one extra plate or pan of something I already planned to serve. Running out of food at a gathering is like a cardinal sin (eta, of southern food culture, I mean). 

At church - there's always a lot of food.

One time - the person in charge of the whole dinner, was "inexperienced". . . . .She's probably in the middle of nine siblings, so -it was surprising.  We ran out of food.  We ran out of food so early - they ordered pizza.  It certainly made for a different experience! lol.

 

I can understand having lot of different mains to (hopefully) make sure everyone has something they will eat . . . I have a family that won't agree on anything to eat.  kinda makes you want to thunk your head against a concrete wall. . . .

[heartlikealion]

Wrong thread 

Edited October 4, 2022 by heartlikealion