What would you do?

[Rosie_0801]

I mean, you have extremely high standards for yourself and no therapist ever is going to tell you how to transcend your own humanity. 

[TexasProud]

On 9/25/2022 at 7:00 PM, Rosie_0801 said:

Well yes, therapy will be a waste of time if you don't want to believe in their way of thinking.

nm

Edited September 29, 2022 by TexasProud

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I mean, you have extremely high standards for yourself and no therapist ever is going to tell you how to transcend your own humanity. 

I have no clue what that means. I don't think it transcends my own humanity to want to feel love for another human being.  Or to feel grief.  I feel guilt. I feel responsible. To me, being human means you should feel love toward your children and your husband. 

[Melissa in Australia]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have no clue what that means. I don't think it transcends my own humanity to want to feel love for another human being.  Or to feel grief.  I feel guilt. I feel responsible. To me, being human means you should feel love toward your children and your husband. 

What do you think love feels like? 

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

What do you think love feels like? 

Good question. I am not sure. Emotions like wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings.  

[katilac]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 Anyway, therapy is useless in my book unless you find a good one. 

I don't think you need a therapist to explore these ideas, just start asking yourself the questions and pondering the possible answers. 

Ask other peope the questions, and ponder their answers. 

What are the good aspects of considering love to be an action word? What are possible negative aspects to considering it to be only an action word? 

How is the way you love your husband different from the way you love humanity in general? What do you love about him that is strictly personal; that is, not things that are objectively good and admirable (I love the way that dh serves the community), but the quirkier things that aren't part of him being a good person, but are just 'him' (I love the way that dh starts laughing at his own joke so much that he can't finish telling it). 

You like to hear other people's stories, and you like to write, so I think you could explore this really well on your own. 

[Melissa in Australia]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Good question. I am not sure. Emotions like wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings.  

I was once asked by a psycologest if I felt happy.. I replied that I feel content and thought striving after happiness an impossible goal that made people miserable.  That I thought being content was achievable and what I aimed for and what I fell. Well it turns out my content is what others view as happy. 

So your what you feel for your family might very well be what others call love. 

 

[Frances]

56 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Not if you are a Christian. 

I think the majority of people in the world would disagree with you.

[Rosie_0801]

19 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I have no clue what that means. I don't think it transcends my own humanity to want to feel love for another human being.  Or to feel grief.  I feel guilt. I feel responsible. To me, being human means you should feel love toward your children and your husband. 

What I mean is you post very often here about the ways you are failing this life long class called "humaning."
This thread is just the latest iteration of that. The bolded, why do you feel that way all the time? Why not just say "Hang it, I'm doing my best here" and let the guilt go? Why not work on putting your boundaries where they ought to be? If there are any "shoulds" they are about doing *your* duty, not taking responsibility for stuff that is on the outside of your boundary fences. Taking responsibility for stuff that isn't possible then feeling guilty is trying to transcend your own humanity. You have limits because humans have limits. Make peace with that!

As for feeling grief, that seems a constant in your life. Perhaps you are misdiagnosing grief for guilt.
As for feeling love for other human beings, it's 600% normal not to *feel* love for the people you are in constant contact with. You know you love them, you act like you love them, but familiarity kind of expands and takes up all the room. 

For a further question upthread, "just being with loved ones" means exactly that. That you and loved ones are in the same place. Maybe interacting, maybe just being there parallel playing. I remember my grandmother enjoyed napping to war movies much more when we were visiting than she did when we weren't. If she was awake, she enjoyed that her grandkids were humanning near her, even when she was too deaf to follow any conversation.

There is no room to feel positive things if you are self flagellating.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Frances said:

I think the majority of people in the world would disagree with you.

Yeah, I would have ended my life a long time ago if I thought I didn't have an eternal purpose or home.  I would literally have nothing to live for.

[Frances]

1 minute ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I would have ended my life a long time ago if I thought I didn't have an eternal purpose or home.  I would literally have nothing to live for.

Why? I just don’t get it. The purpose is here and now and what we can do to make the world a better place. Why would you end your life if you weren’t going to live forever? And how does the possibility of living forever give life now purpose? That makes absolutely no sense to me. We aren’t going to live forever, therefore we need to do everything we can here and now.

[Rosie_0801]

1 minute ago, Frances said:

Why? I just don’t get it. The purpose is here and now and what we can do to make the world a better place. Why would you end your life if you weren’t going to live forever? And how does the possibility of living forever give life now purpose? That makes absolutely no sense to me. We aren’t going to live forever, therefore we need to do everything we can here and now.

Eh. Life's a hassle.

All these dishes to be washed. It rains when I have towels on the line. I can't afford to eat out for every meal... 😛

[Jaybee]

7 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

What I mean is you post very often here about the ways you are failing this life long class called "humaning."
This thread is just the latest iteration of that. The bolded, why do you feel that way all the time? Why not just say "Hang it, I'm doing my best here" and let the guilt go? Why not work on putting your boundaries where they ought to be? If there are any "shoulds" they are about doing *your* duty, not taking responsibility for stuff that is on the outside of your boundary fences. Taking responsibility for stuff that isn't possible then feeling guilty is trying to transcend your own humanity. You have limits because humans have limits. Make peace with that!

As for feeling grief, that seems a constant in your life. Perhaps you are misdiagnosing grief for guilt.
As for feeling love for other human beings, it's 600% normal not to *feel* love for the people you are in constant contact with. You know you love them, you act like you love them, but familiarity kind of expands and takes up all the room. 

For a further question upthread, "just being with loved ones" means exactly that. That you and loved ones are in the same place. Maybe interacting, maybe just being there parallel playing. I remember my grandmother enjoyed napping to war movies much more when we were visiting than she did when we weren't. If she was awake, she enjoyed that her grandkids were humanning near her, even when she was too deaf to follow any conversation.

There is no room to feel positive things if you are self flagellating.

Rosie needs "like" buttons. 

[Frances]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

Eh. Life's a hassle.

All these dishes to be washed. It rains when I have towels on the line. I can't afford to eat out for every meal... 😛

Of course it’s a hassle, that’s life. It’s a mix of good and bad, mundane and exciting, etc. etc. I mean if the only thing to look forward to is eternal life after death, why not just off ourselves now and abort all babies so they never have to experience life on earth, but go straight to heaven?

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, Frances said:

Of course it’s a hassle, that’s life. It’s a mix of good and bad, mundane and exciting, etc. etc. I mean if the only thing to look forward to is eternal life after death, why not just off ourselves now and abort all babies so they never have to experience life on earth, but go straight to heaven?

Coz that'd be poor boundaries.

[Melissa in Australia]

1 hour ago, Frances said:

Of course it’s a hassle, that’s life. It’s a mix of good and bad, mundane and exciting, etc. etc. I mean if the only thing to look forward to is eternal life after death, why not just off ourselves now and abort all babies so they never have to experience life on earth, but go straight to heaven?

Cause if you did that then you'll miss out on heaven. 

[Danae]

 

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Danae

[Frances]

6 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Cause if you did that then you'll miss out on heaven. 

But then why have children at all? If life on earth is so terrible that it is intolerable without the promise of eternal life, then why subject anyone else to it? Even for those who believe in eternal life, there’s no guarantee their children will follow their religious beliefs.

[Melissa in Australia]

1 minute ago, Frances said:

But then why have children at all? If life on earth is so terrible that it is intolerable without the promise of eternal life, then why subject anyone else to it? Even for those who believe in eternal life, there’s no guarantee their children will follow their religious beliefs.

I suggest if you are after a theological debate it would be best to start a different thread

[Janeway]

Nm

Edited September 26, 2022 by Janeway

[Laura Corin]

9 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Good question. I am not sure. Emotions like wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings.  

You might want to think about how various people are. Some people do feel things much more strongly than others.

I have a great marriage and I appreciate my husband very much, but he's currently away for a month and I'm not missing him much - we chat on Messenger a bit, about inconsequential things, but mostly I just get on with my life. 

I function a lot on duty, and my natural response to someone else's being in trouble is to try to fix the situation. I have had to train myself just to listen and say sympathetic things. This is just who I am: I don't dwell on what I might be missing and I can see some advantages. 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Laura Corin

[scholastica]

11 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I would have ended my life a long time ago if I thought I didn't have an eternal purpose or home.  I would literally have nothing to live for.

Gently, this is a major sign of depression. Even those of us who are believers are meant to experience joy in this life. Please seek a Christian counselor who understands your belief system, but also specializes in CBT or DBT.

[Murphy101]

14 hours ago, TexasProud said:

I have no clue what that means. I don't think it transcends my own humanity to want to feel love for another human being.  Or to feel grief.  I feel guilt. I feel responsible. To me, being human means you should feel love toward your children and your husband. 

But… feelings are fleeting. Love is a daily commitment of action regardless of feelings. 

[Murphy101]

14 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Good question. I am not sure. Emotions like wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings.  

You are likely depressed. The question may be why.  One presumes that at some point you at least get enough emotion to want to get married?  

14 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, I would have ended my life a long time ago if I thought I didn't have an eternal purpose or home.  I would literally have nothing to live for.

That’s a matter of choice, isn’t it?  We decide what is worth living and dying for. 

12 hours ago, Danae said:

 

 

We call “fine” the F-word in our house.

Teen come oh home and stomping up the stairs gets asked how they are, “Fine.”

Don’t use that f-word with me!

[regentrude]

16 hours ago, TexasProud said:

See I do and I don't. One thing I am struggling with this whole writing thing is that you are supposed to have a niche and solve someone's problem. I can't solve anyone's problems. I don't want to teach. The writing is fun. The whole figure out how to publish it is horrible and the tech needed for so much of this stuff...YUCK. 

That said, most of the pieces that have done the best have been my tribute pieces. I really enjoy writing about other people, finding out what is interesting in their lives, and focusing on them.  In fact, I just got approached by a magazine to publish one of them I wrote in a mission newsletter.  He thought it was so well written and such a good story.  So maybe that is what I will start to do: write down stories of my own relatives and also continue to write about other people, to help them be remembered in some way.

None of the writers I know writes to "solve someone's problems". They write because they are driven by the internal urge to express themselves creatively through words. They write because they must. You have written about his before, and it often sounds like you write because you somehow think you should. Or you think you should publish. Emily Dickinson, one of the greatest poets, was a prolific writer but went her entire life without publishing anything.

And, as we discussed before, publishing is easier nowadays than it has ever been! You don't need "so much tech". You don't need anything except for Word or similar processing program. You can submit your file to magazines, print and online; you put it on your own blog or website; you can join a facebook group of writers who share their work. If you feel ambitious, you can self-publish through KindleCreate. Any literate human can figure it out.
Gently: I feel your complaints about the difficulties of publishing are simply rationalizing why you aren't publishing. Here's news: you do not have to! 

[regentrude]

To answer the original questions:
1 day: I would try to see my kids. DS is only 2 hours away. DD is 6 hours. My top priority would be to see them. And spend time with DH. Video call with my family in Germany.
I would burn my diaries and any personal writings I did not want my family to read.

1 week: all of the above. Plus:
definitely get together with both kids. Spend time outside Throw a backyard party for all my friends.
Put together my last writings for a chapbook.
Get together the materials for all my classes for the professor who will finish the semester for me.

1 year: all of the above.  Plus:
Quit my job.
Travel to Germany one last time and see my folks there.
Hiking, kayaking, backpacking; trips with both kids and their partners.
Write another book of poetry and get it publication ready.

ETA: This is assuming my DH survives me. If I am the last one of us, I will also use the year to get rid of most of my possessions to give my kids the wonderful gift of not having to deal with my belongings. We are pretty organized and sorted, but I'd be totally radical because then I wouldn't need to keep things for the next summer/next trip/next Christmas.
 

Edited September 26, 2022 by regentrude

[regentrude]

16 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Good question. I am not sure. Emotions like wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings.  

To me, that is what love feels like. So are you saying you don't want to be with your loved ones? That would be strange to me indeed. I mean, if I didn't want to be with my husband and spend time with him, why on Earth would I be married to him? What purpose would that possibly serve? So I can wash his socks and cook his meals? Certainly not.

Edited September 26, 2022 by regentrude

[LaughingCat]

16 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Good question. I am not sure. Emotions like wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings.  

15 minutes ago, regentrude said:

To me, that is what love feels like. So are you saying you don't want to be with your loved ones? That would be strange to me indeed. I mean, if I didn't want to be with my husband and spend time with him, why on Earth would I be married to him? What purpose would that possibly serve? So I can wash his socks and cook his meals? Certainly not.

For me personally, the period of being 'in love' is the only time I've had consistent ongoing feelings of "wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings."   I do have moments where I get a burst of that feeling -- but definitely not on demand.    I can't actually imagine expecting myself to feel like all the time about someone -- especially when I'm doing extremely tedious tasks like laundry, cooking meals or picking up toys (i.e. most of the day it seems like!)   Personally I find just the fact that I'm still willing to do the tedious tasks for them as proof that I love them -- I don't expect myself to be having warm feelings while I do it.  

[regentrude]

15 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

For me personally, the period of being 'in love' is the only time I've had consistent ongoing feelings of "wanting to be with them, missing them, thinking about them, warm feelings."   I do have moments where I get a burst of that feeling -- but definitely not on demand.    I can't actually imagine expecting myself to feel like all the time about someone -- especially when I'm doing extremely tedious tasks like laundry, cooking meals or picking up toys (i.e. most of the day it seems like!)   Personally I find just the fact that I'm still willing to do the tedious tasks for them as proof that I love them -- I don't expect myself to be having warm feelings while I do it.  

Of course I don't think of my DH every single minute to the degree that the feelings interfere with my other thoughts (as would be the case during the falling-in-love period). But in general, yes, I want to be with him - I look forward to having lunch together every day, to him coming home from work in the evening, to spending our weekends together on outdoor adventures. I don't enjoy these things by myself as much as I do together. We like to spend time together. Sure, it's nice once in a while when he has a lunch meeting and I only much a bowl of cereal in front of my computer instead of a sit-down meal - but I miss the joint rituals. When he travels, I may like being on my own for a bit, but I'm always happy when he's back.

With my kids, I really miss them. I want to hear from them, am happy when they text or call, and treasure each time I get to see them. 
With my mom: I call her every day. I want to hear her voice. I miss not seeing her. If I think of her, I have warm thoughts. 

[vonfirmath]

17 hours ago, Meriwether said:

I would call my oldest home from college and my parents and sister and ask them to come. I'd invite my brother, but he is farther away. I'd spend the rest of the time hanging out with my family. We'd play games and sing praise songs to God. When everyone was asleep, I'd write letters for the kids to open later. I'd say especially for my 8 year old, but my Dd12 and Ds18 would take it extra hard, too. Dd19 and Ds16 would grieve but fare better, I think.

This is pretty much what my neighbors across the street did when their Mom was dying. And I thought it was wonderful. Everyone came and hung out at the house. They kept the doors opened. They sang praise songs. We were welcome to come over and join them whenever. Mom had cancer and was mostly out of it -- but the love was palpable. They chose songs she loved. They chose songs about a hopeful future. They took turns making food and filled every ounce of that house with love.

 

[LaughingCat]

20 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Of course I don't think of my DH every single minute to the degree that the feelings interfere with my other thoughts (as would be the case during the falling-in-love period). But in general, yes, I want to be with him - I look forward to having lunch together every day, to him coming home from work in the evening, to spending our weekends together on outdoor adventures. I don't enjoy these things by myself as much as I do together. We like to spend time together. Sure, it's nice once in a while when he has a lunch meeting and I only much a bowl of cereal in front of my computer instead of a sit-down meal - but I miss the joint rituals. When he travels, I may like being on my own for a bit, but I'm always happy when he's back.

With my kids, I really miss them. I want to hear from them, am happy when they text or call, and treasure each time I get to see them. 
With my mom: I call her every day. I want to hear her voice. I miss not seeing her. If I think of her, I have warm thoughts. 

I think some of this difference is just word choice?  But maybe that word choice matters to OP?    

Because I also like to be with my DH and kids but the way I think of and use the words, I don't feel 'love' feelings for DH or kids all the time or even on a daily basis.  And I miss my kids (or my Mom who is years gone) when I think about them but I don't actually think about them all that often -- I'm busy thinking about what I'm doing, not pining for those I'm not with (I did think of my kids all the time when they were away from me when they were little -- but that was more worry than love IMO).  Note: I didn't include DH (or younger DD really) in the missing because we're actually together in the same house pretty much all day -- and I definitely don't have feelings of missing someone who's just out running errands for an hour or so. 

ETA: for DD the older who is off at college, I talk to her every day --so I don't actually miss her all that much either, so maybe I only actually miss my Mom (and Dad and older brother who've passed on) and don't spend much time missing people I talk to regularly either.   Sometimes I miss the things DD did while she was here though --which is not the same as missing someone because you love them  (I'm missing how she jumped in and helped with the chores LOL)

Edited September 26, 2022 by LaughingCat

[TexasProud]

5 hours ago, scholastica said:

Gently, this is a major sign of depression. Even those of us who are believers are meant to experience joy in this life. Please seek a Christian counselor who understands your belief system, but also specializes in CBT or DBT.

Because of this group, I reached out in January and then again in June. That is where I got two of those counselors I described. Useless. Many, many, many I called were not seeing any new patients. No one local at all. Those most recent two were online.  So yeah, if someone can give me a name of someone GOOD who is also taking new patients, then by all means message me. Otherwise. I am done trying to find one.

[TexasProud]

41 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Of course I don't think of my DH every single minute to the degree that the feelings interfere with my other thoughts (as would be the case during the falling-in-love period). But in general, yes, I want to be with him - I look forward to having lunch together every day, to him coming home from work in the evening, to spending our weekends together on outdoor adventures. I don't enjoy these things by myself as much as I do together. We like to spend time together. Sure, it's nice once in a while when he has a lunch meeting and I only much a bowl of cereal in front of my computer instead of a sit-down meal - but I miss the joint rituals. When he travels, I may like being on my own for a bit, but I'm always happy when he's back.

With my kids, I really miss them. I want to hear from them, am happy when they text or call, and treasure each time I get to see them. 
With my mom: I call her every day. I want to hear her voice. I miss not seeing her. If I think of her, I have warm thoughts. 

Well, part of the issue might be that he retired summer of 2019. Plus then in 2020 instead of having an empty nest, I ended up with all three kids home for 6 months.  With no outside activities at all.  So then the pandemic is slowing down in 2021. People are vaccinated. I feel safe. I sign up for activities, and boom, mom goes to ER and gets diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, mental decline, etc. Suddenly I am spending any extra time I have on the road, having to back out of praise team because mom has a medical crisis and I am in the hospital with her. I did manage to do the choir trip to Washington DC, but I worried( and as it turned out with very good reason) that the price of my participation would be Covid, which I did get.  Anyway, I am with hubby 24/7. We have all the same activities now. 

Melissa,

Yes, he is such a good guy and since my crisis in 2014/2015 really is trying everything in his power to support me.  He bought me all this camera equipment for my brand. He even found a place that would take the logo and put it on the RV. I just don't know if that is what I want. Which is fine with him. He will do whatever I want.  He is the humblest guy on the planet. He does sweet things for me all the time.  He is totally content with my being his only friend, and I feel somewhat disloyal that he isn't enough for me. 

[regentrude]

17 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Well, part of the issue might be that he retired summer of 2019....

Anyway, I am with hubby 24/7. We have all the same activities now. 

Maybe you need to get a job to get out of the house on your own every day?

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Maybe you need to get a job to get out of the house on your own every day?

I cannot. Not with going to Africa and Central America.

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I cannot. Not with going to Africa and Central America.

Huh? You could still temp, sub, do contract work for the months you are here.
 

[TexasProud]

Just now, regentrude said:

Huh? You could still temp, sub, do contract work for the months you are here.
 

No way in hell am I substituting in our public school. No way.  It is absolutely horrible. Teachers are fleeing. No discipline.  Not sure what you mean by contract work. 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

 Not sure what you mean by contract work. 

Any kind of work where you offer whatever services you are qualified for on a by-project basis.  Clean, sew, knit, weave, teach, write, code, bake, transcribe, farm work, lawn care, pet sitting, dog walking, custom pottery, custom paintings, photography sessions - whatever it is folks are looking to hire out but don't offer "regular" employment for.

Edited September 26, 2022 by regentrude

[prairiewindmomma]

On 9/25/2022 at 4:38 AM, TexasProud said:

 My entire life has been built around love is an action word, not a feeling. You do not act on how you feel, but on what is right and what duty demands. 

That sounds exhausting, and a recipe for unhappiness.

Basing your worth on what you do for others is never going to be satisfying, because you can never do enough. There's no finish line in that. There's no point in which you can declare that you have "done enough" for another, and therefore you have earned a place for their love.

Why can't one just be? Why does one have to be productive? Or self-denying? When does one "earn" the "right" to do what one wants instead of constantly serving others?

----

Honestly, my friends who have had this mindset grew up with mothers who told them they were never good enough, who had spouses who took advantage of their good natures and asked more of them in terms of time and energy and emotional attention than was good for them, and who didn't think they had the right to take up space. Most of them cracked at some point in an epic way when they realized that they were never going to be "enough" and then tried to keep themselves busy so they didn't have to be with their own thoughts as they had internalized the negative feedback loop they had grown up with.

 

[Murphy101]

5 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

That sounds exhausting, and a recipe for unhappiness.

Basing your worth on what you do for others is never going to be satisfying, because you can never do enough. There's no finish line in that. There's no point in which you can declare that you have "done enough" for another, and therefore you have earned a place for their love.

Why can't one just be? Why does one have to be productive? Or self-denying? When does one "earn" the "right" to do what one wants instead of constantly serving others?

----

Honestly, my friends who have had this mindset grew up with mothers who told them they were never good enough, who had spouses who took advantage of their good natures and asked more of them in terms of time and energy and emotional attention than was good for them, and who didn't think they had the right to take up space. Most of them cracked at some point in an epic way when they realized that they were never going to be "enough" and then tried to keep themselves busy so they didn't have to be with their own thoughts as they had internalized the negative feedback loop they had grown up with.

 

No.  Begrudgingly doing for others breeds resentment. And that absolutely makes people very unhappy and angry.

Love is doing the right thing and what duty demands whole-heartedly with no expectation of return and being okay with that.

I have built my life around this as well. And I’m happier for it most of the time, which is the point of encouraging it.

I’m allowed to do what is right and dutiful for MYSELF as well.  In fact, I must do so or there won’t be much to offer to anyone else either.

I know there are women who are being taken advantage of but I would say they are confusing dutiful with doormat.  And yeah, doormats eventually wear out.

 

[Hannah]

19 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

What I mean is you post very often here about the ways you are failing this life long class called "humaning."
This thread is just the latest iteration of that. The bolded, why do you feel that way all the time? Why not just say "Hang it, I'm doing my best here" and let the guilt go? Why not work on putting your boundaries where they ought to be? If there are any "shoulds" they are about doing *your* duty, not taking responsibility for stuff that is on the outside of your boundary fences. Taking responsibility for stuff that isn't possible then feeling guilty is trying to transcend your own humanity. You have limits because humans have limits. Make peace with that!

As for feeling grief, that seems a constant in your life. Perhaps you are misdiagnosing grief for guilt.
As for feeling love for other human beings, it's 600% normal not to *feel* love for the people you are in constant contact with. You know you love them, you act like you love them, but familiarity kind of expands and takes up all the room. 

For a further question upthread, "just being with loved ones" means exactly that. That you and loved ones are in the same place. Maybe interacting, maybe just being there parallel playing. I remember my grandmother enjoyed napping to war movies much more when we were visiting than she did when we weren't. If she was awake, she enjoyed that her grandkids were humanning near her, even when she was too deaf to follow any conversation.

There is no room to feel positive things if you are self flagellating.

So very true. Well said Rosie!

19 hours ago, Jaybee said:

Rosie needs "like" buttons. 

She absolutely does!

[KSera]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Because of this group, I reached out in January and then again in June. That is where I got two of those counselors I described. Useless. Many, many, many I called were not seeing any new patients. No one local at all. Those most recent two were online.  So yeah, if someone can give me a name of someone GOOD who is also taking new patients, then by all means message me. Otherwise. I am done trying to find one.

I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble finding a decent therapist; it can be a real struggle. In the meantime, you might benefit from working through a DBT manual on your own. DBT is very concrete and directed and while ideally you’re doing it with both a group and a therapist, I think someone could learn a lot and make progress working through a manual diligently by themself. I would still be looking for somewhere in your area that offers it, even if it means you have to go on a wait list. Even if the waitlist is long, it would be better than not being on a wait list and wishing a year from now that you had gotten on it so that it would be your turn.

FWIW, I have found the majority of therapists all advertise that they do CBT, with many of them never actually engaging in any with their clients. A DBT program though is very structured so if that’s what you sign up for, that’s what you’re going to get. an interesting thing about it, is you actually spend very little time talking about your problems at all. It’s all about learning different skills that will help improve the way you’re feeling and interacting with the world.

[Murphy101]

I do want to note that it is not unusual to go through many therapists before finding one that seems to click on your needs.  There’s lots of reasons for that, all of them frustrating and discouraging when you are seeking help, but it isn’t a failure of you if it takes therapist #5 or 7 to find traction towards help.

And a great therapist might not be enough.  I am certainly not one to push pills but the fact is that for some people that when property given the right modern medication find it that absolutely improves their lives.

[Hannah]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

He is totally content with my being his only friend, and I feel somewhat disloyal that he isn't enough for me. 

People's personalities and relationship needs differ. Maybe he's an introvert and you're an extrovert? Or he just wants one friend. That's OK.

But you don't have to expect from yourself to have the same need.

Ester Perel is a Belgium couples counselor working in New York. She often says that modern marriage has evolved such we now expect everything from one person what a village used to offer. 

Your husband can't be the whole village for you and I don't think there's any need to feel guilty about that.

[TexasProud]

Just now, Hannah said:

People's personalities and relationship needs differ. Maybe he's an introvert and you're an extrovert? Or he just wants one friend. That's OK.

But you don't have to expect from yourself to have the same need.

Ester Perel is a Belgium couples counselor working in New York. She often says that modern marriage has evolved such we now expect everything from one person what a village used to offer. 

Your husband can't be the whole village for you and I don't think there's any need to feel guilty about that.

Yep. I have read a lot of her stuff. Just can't live it.

[TexasProud]

12 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I do want to note that it is not unusual to go through many therapists before finding one that seems to click on your needs.  There’s lots of reasons for that, all of them frustrating and discouraging when you are seeking help, but it isn’t a failure of you if it takes therapist #5 or 7 to find traction towards help.

And a great therapist might not be enough.  I am certainly not one to push pills but the fact is that for some people that when property given the right modern medication find it that absolutely improves their lives.

Do you know what pulled me out of it last time?  Getting a job.  So, I am hoping that figuring out how to get out of the house now that I am not trapped homeschooling kids or caring for my dad or caring for my mom ( Thankfully, step-brother has taken over step-dad... I don't even call him my stepdad. They got married after I did. My sister and I were both grown, married with kids when she married this man who had a K and 4th grade boys!!  I thought she was nuts, but they had such a loving marriage.  But then he had a stroke in 2002 and wasn't ever the same.  But functional. However, he has really gone down in the last few years cognitively.  Mom was taking care of him, so he didn't know what to do. So I was taking care of both. 

Anyway, really nothing changed until my situation changed. ( That is when I disappeared from the board for several years. I was really, really happy.)  So, hopefully, now I can go interact every day again.  I will do that at least for this first month.  I bet by November the board will see a change. Though I may be too happy to post. 🙂 I tend to post here when I am super lonely because I have no one else to talk to.

[fairfarmhand]

15 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I do want to note that it is not unusual to go through many therapists before finding one that seems to click on your needs.  There’s lots of reasons for that, all of them frustrating and discouraging when you are seeking help, but it isn’t a failure of you if it takes therapist #5 or 7 to find traction towards help.

And a great therapist might not be enough.  I am certainly not one to push pills but the fact is that for some people that when property given the right modern medication find it that absolutely improves their lives.

And it can take several months to see any real progress. If one only goes two or three times before quitting, that's not going to be helpful. (not sure if OP has done this, but some people get frustrated at the slow pace of therapy.)

[Hannah]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yep. I have read a lot of her stuff. Just can't live it.

What of what she says resonates and what holds you back from living it?

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Hannah said:

What of what she says resonates and what holds you back from living it?

I will have to pm you for that.

[Clarita]

I was going to put different things for all the time slots, except they ended up all the same. Spend all available time snuggling my kids and husband. I kind of do that now aside from the day to day things I must do like buy groceries, make dinner, make sure kids are educated. I guess if I had anything more than a month out nothing would really change, except I would absolutely stop working out. I only work out because it's the healthy thing to do and since I'm dying soon that no longer matters.

19 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Anyway, really nothing changed until my situation changed. ( That is when I disappeared from the board for several years. I was really, really happy.)  So, hopefully, now I can go interact every day again.  I will do that at least for this first month.  I bet by November the board will see a change. Though I may be too happy to post. 🙂 I tend to post here when I am super lonely because I have no one else to talk to.

Just keep doing something everyday to try and get yourself out of this funk. You did it before you can do it again. Don't try and find the winning ticket or the one thing to snap you out of it. Just commit to trying to do one thing everyday that you feel might have a chance to bring you out of the funk. If the thing you try on any particular day makes things worse don't do it, if the thing you do brings you out of the fog for even a brief moment try and do more of it.