DawnM Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 I don't do well with this sort of stuff. I am working on it, but I tend to get too involved in situations and then regret it. A couple of years ago, one of my son's friend's parents were divorcing, the mom would call me to vent, and I just listened. But she kept asking me to call the police and report him, write a letter to say what I knew, etc.....I didn't handle it well and ignored many of the request until it got to the point where I had to say that I didn't feel comfortable, she kept pushing, and I ended up blocking her. Another situation has presented itself, I can't go into great detail, but this person wants to file a restraining order against another person. That's fine, it is probably warranted, etc....but she wants ME to write an email to her with everything I know and sign my name to it and back her up. Here is why I won't do it: I have seen the text message she has sent back to this person. She is just as threatening as the other person has been. I don't want to get involved, even though the other person does directly affect me. I just don't want to get involved with HER. Do I tell her I have seen the text messages and don't want to be involved or do I ignore or do I just say no? In other words, how much do I say or not say anything at all? OY. this is my fault for thinking I was trying to help. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 It's not your fault for wanting to help. I would tell the person that it might be a good idea to talk with a lawyer, but I was not able to be involved further. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 This is a tough one. I understand the desire to help. I think I would tell her that this is a legal matter, so if asked to speak up/testify by court officials (or police?), I would be happy to do so, but I'm not going to write personal emails on the subject. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 “It doesn’t work that way. Police only care about what I personally witnessed. Everything you told me is just hearsay. Call them yourself or call an attorney, but I will absolutely not lie for you and if you press me on it again I’ll report that to the police.” 7 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 This is a legal matter between you and X. I'm not getting in the middle of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 24, 2021 Author Share Posted December 24, 2021 28 minutes ago, Katy said: “It doesn’t work that way. Police only care about what I personally witnessed. Everything you told me is just hearsay. Call them yourself or call an attorney, but I will absolutely not lie for you and if you press me on it again I’ll report that to the police.” She wants me to screen shot everything that the other person has posted about her on Facebook and on her blog. And to tell the police what I know first hand about the situation..... I just want out at this point. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 Just say no. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 Either say no, or that they need to contact a lawyer. If you'd be willing to talk to a lawyer as part of her witnesses, then suggest she first meet with a lawyer. I also wouldn't be the one proactively reporting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 I have found short and clear to be best with less chance of confusion. "No, I won't xyz." It is hard to not keep talking and to not want to offer some other help but in that moment it really helps clarity to just live with the awkward and just say no. Later you can say, "I've been thinking about your situation and think getting a lawyer would be best". 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 I’m sorry, I’m not going to do that. Thanks for asking, but that’s not going to work for me. I’m uncomfortable with that but thanks for asking. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 Then “Consult an attorney or the police, I won’t help you with this.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Tiggywinkle Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 “No” is a complete sentence. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 I agree with everyone else with just saying no or adding something very short to that. No explanation needed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 1 hour ago, DawnM said: She wants me to screen shot everything that the other person has posted about her on Facebook and on her blog. And to tell the police what I know first hand about the situation..... I just want out at this point. Why can't she screenshot the posts? If she does not have access to the person's facebook and blog, how does she know what they are saying about her? She needs to speak with a lawyer. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 24, 2021 Author Share Posted December 24, 2021 3 minutes ago, marbel said: Why can't she screenshot the posts? If she does not have access to the person's facebook and blog, how does she know what they are saying about her? She needs to speak with a lawyer. She HAS the screenshots, she wants me to email them to her, including somethings from the blog.....which she can look up herself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, DawnM said: She HAS the screenshots, she wants me to email them to her, including somethings from the blog.....which she can look up herself. Ugh. Is this a person you’re close with? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
footballmom Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 I would say something along the lines of, “I realize I wasn’t clear with you earlier, and I apologize for my ambiguity. This is not something I will do.” It sounds like you’ll get a strong reaction, but just rinse and repeat. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 The police don’t need YOU to get access to social media. She’s being unnecessarily dramatic. There’s no legal benefit to get you involved. She just wants company in her chaos. I was a people pleaser in my youth. It took until my late thirties to learn to say “No”and later than that to say “no, because I don’t want to.” I felt a no needed a REASON before. My life has been happier and calmer once I realized that the discomfort of saying no is much quicker and easier than going along with a whole production to please a friend. It helps to cull your friend population down to people with real social skills and good hearts. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 24, 2021 Author Share Posted December 24, 2021 7 minutes ago, Kanin said: Ugh. Is this a person you’re close with? Not at all. I shouldn't have even communicated with her at all and I shouldn't have gotten involved. Lesson (hopefully) learned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 1 minute ago, DawnM said: Not at all. I shouldn't have even communicated with her at all and I shouldn't have gotten involved. Lesson (hopefully) learned. Well, that’s good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 24, 2021 Author Share Posted December 24, 2021 Thanks all. I will say no, but I think I will wait until after Christmas. My anxiety has been going up and I really don't want to deal with something/someone who doesn't have anything to do with me right now. I am going to PURGE some things and try to get my anxiety level down. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 You can ignore them and see if they drop it or go away. Meanwhile, practice these phrases and modified versions of them so you're ready should they or someone else press your for involvement in something: "That's something you should discuss with a lawyer." "That's something you should discuss with a licensed medical professional." "That's something you should discuss with a spiritual advisor." "That's something you should discuss with a licensed therapist." "That's something you should discuss with leadership." "That's something you should discuss with the company." "That's something you should discuss with your significant other." "That's something you should discuss with a school staff member." "That's something you should discuss with them [the person/people they're complaining about.]" "That doesn't have anything to do with me." "It's not my place to do that." "That's not for me to do." "That's not something I'm comfortable doing." "That sounds like none of my business." I agree with not feeling obligated to give a reason, particularly with people who struggle with dropping a subject because it's just fuel for their internal fire. Have a transition prepared: "No, I'm not comfortable doing that. Was that all or was there something else you'd like to talk about?...(If so, talk about that.) ...No? Nothing else, Ok, well I've got to go. Goodbye." Or, "It's not my place to do that. I hope you resolve it soon... What are your plans for the holidays? Is your sister coming into town again this year? " Or whatever topic of mutual interest or season topical that works in your situation. If you're ever asked again after you said no, simply say, "I already answered that." And then change the subject or end the conversation. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 24, 2021 Share Posted December 24, 2021 I think I’d say, “This doesn’t make any sense. You can do this yourself, and me doing it is not going to help you at all.” If pressed further, I’d say, “I’m not going to do this.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 Are you talking about texts that you have received on which your asker was not copied? If she has received these same texts, then she should be able to enter the texts into evidence herself. I would absolutely advise her to work with a lawyer on this. Tell her that you don't want to risk doing something that could negatively impact her case since you are not a lawyer trained in these matters. I am a lawyer, and that's what I do when things like this happen to me. If these are texts that only you have access to, then one option is to allow her lawyer to download copies of the texts. But this doesn't address the fact that your asker has also behaved similarly. Maybe you could say something like "I've seen it go both ways. If I were to offer evidence, I'd feel dishonest only showing one side of what I've seen. It might even be illegal for me to do that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 On 12/24/2021 at 8:57 AM, DawnM said: I don't do well with this sort of stuff. I am working on it, but I tend to get too involved in situations and then regret it. A couple of years ago, one of my son's friend's parents were divorcing, the mom would call me to vent, and I just listened. But she kept asking me to call the police and report him, write a letter to say what I knew, etc.....I didn't handle it well and ignored many of the request until it got to the point where I had to say that I didn't feel comfortable, she kept pushing, and I ended up blocking her. Another situation has presented itself, I can't go into great detail, but this person wants to file a restraining order against another person. That's fine, it is probably warranted, etc....but she wants ME to write an email to her with everything I know and sign my name to it and back her up. Here is why I won't do it: I have seen the text message she has sent back to this person. She is just as threatening as the other person has been. I don't want to get involved, even though the other person does directly affect me. I just don't want to get involved with HER. Do I tell her I have seen the text messages and don't want to be involved or do I ignore or do I just say no? In other words, how much do I say or not say anything at all? OY. this is my fault for thinking I was trying to help. “Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.” I think I’m just old, or maybe it’s a transparent response honed by the past 20 months, but I am way more comfortable saying things like that these days. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 I would say something (via text or email) along the lines of: "That's quite a burdensome task, and I don't understand why you would need me, specifically, to do it? I love you and I am happy to help you, but I won't get involved in sorting out the minutiae of the nastiness between you - it's not my place and it's not fair of you to ask, you need to talk it over with your lawyer and/or police." For an in person conversation I'd practice something much shorter: "I won't do that, it's not my place. Sorry things are tough at the moment." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted December 25, 2021 Share Posted December 25, 2021 On 12/24/2021 at 12:17 PM, KungFuPanda said: She just wants company in her chaos. This is (probably) a very good assessment of the situation. And a really good line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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