Sorted

[Melissa Louise]

Thanks for the brainstorming. 

Got a plan. 

 

 

 

Edited May 30, 2021 by Melissa Louise

[TCB]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I will be thinking of you. I’m not sure which is the best option but will be praying that the right choice will become clear.
 

[Ottakee]

I would see if you qualify for any help through DHHS....rent, utilities, food card, medical insurance, etc.

Next, does ds have special needs?  Of so, would he qualify for SSI?  If so, that is $794/month that could help out him and help pay rent.

Could ds get a part time job?   Even my 4 with special needs all have part time jobs and all help contribute.

If you haven't worked until recently and there are no assets, could you qualify for any alimony?

When my now ex was arrested, we did own the house but I had to do many of the above to pay the bills.

[Ottakee]

Husband might have to pay child support until ds is 18 and/or out of highschool.....longer if there are special needs 

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Ottakee said:

I would see if you qualify for any help through DHHS....rent, utilities, food card, medical insurance, etc.

Next, does ds have special needs?  Of so, would he qualify for SSI?  If so, that is $794/month that could help out him and help pay rent.

Could ds get a part time job?   Even my 4 with special needs all have part time jobs and all help contribute.

If you haven't worked until recently and there are no assets, could you qualify for any alimony?

When my now ex was arrested, we did own the house but I had to do many of the above to pay the bills.

I don't qualify for anything. If I didn't work, I would, but it would be less that what I earn.

No alimony. 

Nothing for special needs - Ds just has ordinary needs - ADHD etc. 

The only $ coming in will be my earnings. Good ideas though. 

Ds does work casually ATM but I feel sick at the idea of asking him to pay any board. He's only on a junior wage. And neither sibling was asked to do the same. 

[Melissa Louise]

Should say, not in the US. 

I'm just so sad. I was already sad about DD moving out, and trying to manage my feelings well about that. I don't know why he decided it was so urgent to inform me about his plans this week. I guess I forget he does not care one iota for me, which is pretty dumb on my part. 

[Laura Corin]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Is there any possibility of a secondary job, even if it's not in the kind of work that you have been aiming for?

[Storygirl]

I'm so very sorry. What about renting a one bedroom place and letting DS have the bedroom, and you sleep on a sofa bed. If your daughter needs to move in with you, she could share the sofa bed with you? Not ideal, obviously, but I thought I'd throw it out as an idea.

[Pen]

Stay where you are; rent out a room; and also insist that ex pays for ds expenses

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Is there any possibility of a secondary job, even if it's not in the kind of work that you have been aiming for?

I already do that...contract work at school, and then private tutoring.  The problem is insane cost of housing, really. Which I can't change, so I guess maybe more students? 

Edited May 30, 2021 by Melissa Louise
Took out some info

[SKL]

Can you:

Rent out the spare room + demand child support for youngest + ask your older children to contribute some while they live with you?

[Melissa Louise]

6 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I'm so very sorry. What about renting a one bedroom place and letting DS have the bedroom, and you sleep on a sofa bed. If your daughter needs to move in with you, she could share the sofa bed with you? Not ideal, obviously, but I thought I'd throw it out as an idea.

I've done this for a bit when I first was separated. Ex did not want to give up bedroom or study, and I gave spare bedroom to DD for about three months. It's an idea, but I feel quite despairing about not having any space again. The room I have now is my sanctuary. 

 

[Ottakee]

Is there a lower cost of living area you could move to that would still offer a solid job for you?

[Melissa Louise]

6 minutes ago, Pen said:

Stay where you are; rent out a room; and also insist that ex pays for ds expenses

This would be my preference in the short term. I just don't know if I can make him pay anything. I keep thinking he will think about this from a family pov but he doesn't. He isn't thinking about what if DD needs to come home again or that dd2 might need a temp pad while job searching or anything, really. 

[Faith-manor]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

This would be my preference in the short term. I just don't know if I can make him pay anything. I keep thinking he will think about this from a family pov but he doesn't. He isn't thinking about what if DD needs to come home again or that dd2 might need a temp pad while job searching or anything, really. 

Is there any hope the court will force him to pay?

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Is there a lower cost of living area you could move to that would still offer a solid job for you?

Maybe. 

That makes me want to just give up though. Like, what even is the point if I have to move away from the things that are meaningful - my extended family, my friends and most importantly, my grown DD who needs family support. 

Sorry, I know I'm sounding defeatist. I have to find the energy to think about this stuff, I know. 

What I wanted was to finally do my Masters which will offer that option but I'm just overwhelmed with this spanner. 

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Faith-manor said:

Is there any hope the court will force him to pay?

No, Ds is close to legal adulthood - by the time it got there, he'd be aged out. Plus ex is likely to be obstructive and run up costs. It's kinda pointless. Pretty sure we don't have the whole 'pay for your kid till they get their grad degree' thing here. 

Oh man. I'm in a panic. 

[Pen]

4 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Isanctuary

 

try to keep it !

 

also moves are grueling 

 

is the younger almost adult still in school? It out working can he contribute to his own maintenance. If still in school when does he graduate? Can he get an after school job or help you with tutoring?

 

 

4 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

. 

 

[Pen]

Could both dc help with tutoring and allow for group work and one on one in combo so as to bring in significantly more money? 

[bookbard]

Your ex will definitely have to pay child support until your son is 18. After that, nope. 

I'd get him to pay until your son turns 18, and meanwhile plan to move. It's so much cheaper out of the city. I'd go to the mountains, you can catch a fast train into the city, and it's so nice there. It's a good place to join a community, with markets, local shops etc. It might seem far away, but there are loads of people who commute daily into the city. 

 

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

Could both dc help with tutoring and allow for group work and one on one in combo so as to bring in significantly more money? 

What I should do is switch to group tutoring. DD is moving out, so not her responsibility, and Ds would make a terrible tutor (dysgraphia). 

I'm just so tired. Life is really hard, and I feel like I've tried very hard to manage it all for a long time and this is just making my brain freeze up. 

This house has a big front room. I think I could get a third of rent/bills paid if I can get a lodger for this room. I don't mind switching to the smaller room. 

[Melissa Louise]

38 minutes ago, bookbard said:

Your ex will definitely have to pay child support until your son is 18. After that, nope. 

I'd get him to pay until your son turns 18, and meanwhile plan to move. It's so much cheaper out of the city. I'd go to the mountains, you can catch a fast train into the city, and it's so nice there. It's a good place to join a community, with markets, local shops etc. It might seem far away, but there are loads of people who commute daily into the city. 

 

 

 

Good idea.

 🙁

Edited May 30, 2021 by Melissa Louise
Removed info

[Faith-manor]

Okay, brain storm. You are in Aussie, so I don't know any specifics, so this is just total spitballing.

Driver uber one or two weekends a month for extra funds.

Take on some students to tutor.

Explain to adult children that life circumstances have changed dramatically and some contribution a month may be necessary.

If in a desirable neighborhood, rent house out as a vacation home one week a month and go stay with relatives or friends.

Selling anything you can get along without.

Do you sew well enough to offer alterations?

Elder care. I have a friend that gets $200 plus the cost of groceries to make several frozen meals per week plus vacuum and dust once per week and do two loads of laundry for an elderly neighbor. Ds could help by doing a few chores like the laundry. She is taking on a second person in the same neighborhood soon and this is a huge boon to her family finances and allows these two persons to continue to age in place. She gets a bonus $25 if she has to fill the weekly pill container if one of the relatives didn't get to it.

[Melissa Louise]

OK, what about this?

I tell ex sure, move out if he wants. He will have to pay X towards ds' upkeep unless he wants it to go to mediation. 

If either DD needs to move back, it will be in 6 months. If they do, they will pitch in with rent.

If they don't, I can let this house go, and get the 2 bed. Ds will be adult by then, and I feel ok about an adult contributing.

In the meantime, just start my Masters, which will open up other, longer term options. 

If I can get someone in to share the rent here in the meantime, good. If I can't, use savings. 

Is that a decent plan? 

[Danae]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

OK, what about this?

I tell ex sure, move out if he wants. He will have to pay X towards ds' upkeep unless he wants it to go to mediation. 

If either DD needs to move back, it will be in 6 months. If they do, they will pitch in with rent.

If they don't, I can let this house go, and get the 2 bed. Ds will be adult by then, and I feel ok about an adult contributing.

In the meantime, just start my Masters, which will open up other, longer term options. 

If I can get someone in to share the rent here in the meantime, good. If I can't, use savings. 

Is that a decent plan? 

It sounds like a decent plan.  And if it’s a plan you feel good about it’s more than decent.

[bookbard]

Sounds like a good plan. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

2 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Okay, brain storm. You are in Aussie, so I don't know any specifics, so this is just total spitballing.

Driver uber one or two weekends a month for extra funds.

Take on some students to tutor.

Explain to adult children that life circumstances have changed dramatically and some contribution a month may be necessary.

If in a desirable neighborhood, rent house out as a vacation home one week a month and go stay with relatives or friends.

Selling anything you can get along without.

Do you sew well enough to offer alterations?

Elder care. I have a friend that gets $200 plus the cost of groceries to make several frozen meals per week plus vacuum and dust once per week and do two loads of laundry for an elderly neighbor. Ds could help by doing a few chores like the laundry. She is taking on a second person in the same neighborhood soon and this is a huge boon to her family finances and allows these two persons to continue to age in place. She gets a bonus $25 if she has to fill the weekly pill container if one of the relatives didn't get to it.

Ooh, I wish it was desirable. The rent it out one weekend a month would be so doable ( but pretty sure I can't sublet). 

I can't kill myself with work. I have to try to keep my physical issues in mind. I need not more hours but better pay per hour. I am already at work three days a week, us I work from home one day, and tutor on Saturdays. I can support myself. I just can't support me and the kids 😞

[Faith-manor]

4 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

OK, what about this?

I tell ex sure, move out if he wants. He will have to pay X towards ds' upkeep unless he wants it to go to mediation. 

If either DD needs to move back, it will be in 6 months. If they do, they will pitch in with rent.

If they don't, I can let this house go, and get the 2 bed. Ds will be adult by then, and I feel ok about an adult contributing.

In the meantime, just start my Masters, which will open up other, longer term options. 

If I can get someone in to share the rent here in the meantime, good. If I can't, use savings. 

Is that a decent plan? 

Yes, I do think that is a good plan. Making the most of the situation.

Edited May 30, 2021 by Faith-manor

[Faith-manor]

1 minute ago, Melissa Louise said:

Ooh, I wish it was desirable. The rent it out one weekend a month would be so doable ( but pretty sure I can't sublet). 

I can't kill myself with work. I have to try to keep my physical issues in mind. I need not more hours but better pay per hour. I am already at work three days a week, us I work from home one day, and tutor on Saturdays. I can support myself. I just can't support me and the kids 😞

That stinks! (((Hugs)))

[Melissa Louise]

OK. Less panicked now. 

I feel like I can manage with a lead up. 

I'll add another student in the meantime. 

In some ways it will be good to be properly free of ex. I just - it's hard to know someone you spent your life with really doesn't care about you, not even as an ex. He just wants to get on with finding someone else to put up with his b/s, I guess. 

[Faith-manor]

5 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

OK. Less panicked now. 

I feel like I can manage with a lead up. 

I'll add another student in the meantime. 

In some ways it will be good to be properly free of ex. I just - it's hard to know someone you spent your life with really doesn't care about you, not even as an ex. He just wants to get on with finding someone else to put up with his b/s, I guess. 

Yes! I think you may actually feel more energetic when he is gone for good.

[PinkTulip]

I don’t have solid answers for you, but wanted to add a voice of encouragement and support of you. You are a good mom to think about the current and future welfare of your adult kids, because it sounds like your ex sure isn’t. You are going through really hard things right now, but I want to remind you that you’re doing better than you think you are. Trust your inner voice that you are capable and strong - you will make the right decisions for yourself and your children - you can do this!

[Melissa Louise]

My one consolation is that I own all the furniture - he'll be moving out with a bed and a desk and that's it! 

[Pen]

51 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

What I should do is switch to group tutoring.
 

sounds good!

51 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

DD is moving out, so not her responsibility, and Ds would make a terrible tutor (dysgraphia). 
 

he might be terrible - but dysgraphia isn’t necessarily a bar to it except perhaps specifically for writing work - could even give some empathy and compassion 

 

I don’t know situation in Aus, but in my area so many people quit various work places due to cv issues there are more places possibly hiring that usual . People needed to stock shelves in groceries for example seems to be in demand and dysgraphia not a problem for that

 

51 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I'm just so tired. Life is really hard, and I feel like I've tried very hard to manage it all for a long time and this is just making my brain freeze up. 
 

Life is hard, yeah. And stress and fear do cause brain freeze

51 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

This house has a big front room. I think I could get a third of rent/bills paid if I can get a lodger for this room. I don't mind switching to the smaller room. 

That sounds like it could help hugely! 

[Pen]

53 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

OK, what about this?

I tell ex sure, move out if he wants. He will have to pay X towards ds' upkeep unless he wants it to go to mediation. 

If either DD needs to move back, it will be in 6 months. If they do, they will pitch in with rent.

If they don't, I can let this house go, and get the 2 bed. Ds will be adult by then, and I feel ok about an adult contributing.

In the meantime, just start my Masters, which will open up other, longer term options. 

If I can get someone in to share the rent here in the meantime, good. If I can't, use savings. 

Is that a decent plan? 

yes sounds good!

if you can find someone good to move in and share it might even be better than just rent help - maybe it would be friendship and mutual support too - more than your ex has bneen

 

[Rosie_0801]

Is your ex the type to quit his job until ds turns 18?

[regentrude]

Just seeing this now... sorry about all you have going on. It sounds like you have a plan now. Sending lots of encouragement and good thoughts your way.

[Innisfree]

Sending hugs. I think your plan sounds good, and as the initial shock passes, you may have other ideas as well. I'll be thinking of you.

[Alicia64]

I'm sending hugs too. Please remember: this is about him, it's not about you.

Also, I wanted to suggest that you keep daily notes on the laptop of what comes up each day: your feelings, stuff with the kids, appointments, dates, his move-out, everything.

What would you use it for? I'm not quite sure, but I have a feeling you'll be really glad you kept a daily journal.

And I agree that you sound like a great mom because you're thinking of everyone in your family. ❤️❤️❤️

Hang in there.

[pinball]

I know you are a poet and a writer...and you’ve been through so much.

so I was thinking along the lines of group tutoring...and then you said you had a big living room...

what about poetry/journaling/creating workshops and/or open spaces for women?

you could set it up in your living room once a month or more, and have either a guided session, where you teach something specific or an open session where people bring their journals and create on their own.

if you picked one day a month, you could have a morning, an afternoon and an evening session.

i don’t know what costs are like there, but if you got a few women for say each 2-hour session, maybe you could make a couple or few hundred dollars each day?

 

[Catwoman]

8 minutes ago, pinball said:

I know you are a poet and a writer...and you’ve been through so much.

so I was thinking along the lines of group tutoring...and then you said you had a big living room...

what about poetry/journaling/creating workshops and/or open spaces for women?

you could set it up in your living room once a month or more, and have either a guided session, where you teach something specific or an open session where people bring their journals and create on their own.

if you picked one day a month, you could have a morning, an afternoon and an evening session.

i don’t know what costs are like there, but if you got a few women for say each 2-hour session, maybe you could make a couple or few hundred dollars each day?

 

I really like this idea! And if you could do it from home, you wouldn’t even have to pay to rent a space.

[MooCow]

Just wanted to let you know you and your family are in my thoughts. My ex didn't pay either.

[Pen]

When he’s out do you need to change locks? Some exes go back and take things that aren’t theirs. 
 

[Melissa Louise]

4 hours ago, Pen said:

When he’s out do you need to change locks? Some exes go back and take things that aren’t theirs. 
 

I guess so. 

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

5 hours ago, pinball said:

I know you are a poet and a writer...and you’ve been through so much.

so I was thinking along the lines of group tutoring...and then you said you had a big living room...

what about poetry/journaling/creating workshops and/or open spaces for women?

you could set it up in your living room once a month or more, and have either a guided session, where you teach something specific or an open session where people bring their journals and create on their own.

if you picked one day a month, you could have a morning, an afternoon and an evening session.

i don’t know what costs are like there, but if you got a few women for say each 2-hour session, maybe you could make a couple or few hundred dollars each day?

 

This is such a lovely idea...I'm in the middle of writing a set of workshops, but didn't link that with potential space. Happy things to think about - ty!

[Melissa Louise]

A friend who has been through similar took me out last night for a movie and a chat. She reminded me I've got irl support to get through, but that I'm my own worst enemy b/c I don't tell ppl what's happening. Which is true. I wouldn't judge anyone else in my shoes, but boy, I feel The Shame hard. 

Lucky for me I also have the semi-anonymous Hive. 

[fairfarmhand]

43 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

A friend who has been through similar took me out last night for a movie and a chat. She reminded me I've got irl support to get through, but that I'm my own worst enemy b/c I don't tell ppl what's happening. Which is true. I wouldn't judge anyone else in my shoes, but boy, I feel The Shame hard. 

Lucky for me I also have the semi-anonymous Hive. 

That’s a very good friend right there

[Melissa Louise]

10 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

That’s a very good friend right there

Yes. I am rich in terms of friendships. V lucky in that way.