This is a hard question for me to ask, but...

[melissel]

Without going into too much detail, if you came to the conclusion that a lifestyle that included homeschooling meant you thought you might end up on antidepressants (or other meds), would you continue HSing? I'll provide more detail if necessary (I just feel like I've been whining a lot around here lately :o), but the crux of the issue is the above question.

 

WDYT?

[Tammy]

I think your first priority is YOUR health! I would do what I had to do to avoid meds for depression!

 

Good luck!!!

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think the answer would depend on whether stopping homeschooling would improve things to the point that I didn't need the meds. If I was going to need meds regardless, I would be less likely to stop... maybe.

 

Honestly, without knowing the severity of your case, I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. You would have to factor in how much damage would be done to the kids for both scenarios. I would likely take their wishes into account. What do your kids want to do?

[JennifersLost]

homeschool if you don't want to with a capital "W".

 

Your kids are young and they are in that very intense age where it feels like they're sapping the very life-blood out of you. Go ahead and put your five year old in school for a year and get your baby in a daycare or preschool a few times a week, if you have the money for it. Being together 24/7 can get old for everyone.

 

This doesn't mean you won't ever homeschool. It means right now you need something different. You have my permission to arrange your life differently every single year for the entire time they go through school, if you want to.

 

Your kids will grow. They will learn. They'll know they're loved. It's all going to be okay.

 

And after a little break you might come back more energized and enthusiastic than ever! Or you might be the best after-school parent two kids ever had.

[JenneinCA]

No

 

I would do whatever was necessary so that I was not depressed. Including other school situations.

 

Jenne in AZ

(dd9, ds7, ds3, newbie in September)

(Sprog and Mouse)

[Adrianne]

What are your goals? Are they realistic? (may be not if you think you need medication).

 

Hsing should be about helping your kids learn and enjoying their education. How do you see it?

 

Adrianne

[Snickerdoodle]

Do you think the hs is causing the problems or do you think that even if you were to change the situation you would still be having these problems?

 

How do you know hs is the causative factor? Could there be any other underlying factors contributing to your health? Are you having any changes physically, hormonally or other health issues?

 

I don't know what kind of problems you are having because I don't remember specifically any complaining posts. But is it possible that sending the kids to school just gives you a different set of problems (i.e. trading one set of problems for another)?

 

What is the underlying issue? (edited to add, don't answer that, just think about it)

[Old Dominion Heather]

I would take some time off. They are really young. Do the minimum for a while and just let them play. Take a few week and evaluate what you really want to do.

 

Either way, it will be ok. They have a mom who wants the best for them. They will be fine.

[TCoppock]

I agree that you need to think about the possible cause of your depression. If it is a situational depression caused by homeschooling I would consider what it is about hsing that is the problem. Are you overwhelmed by the amount of time it takes? Do you feel like you cant school and take are of smaller children? Do you feel like you just dont have any private time? I know there are days that I am happy to just get shower time to myself (that is the questions are coming from outside the bathroom door rather than IN the bathroom with me.) Even if you feel the depression is more a chemical imbalance that would be there regardless I would advise that you care for yourself first. Maybe you ould minimally homeschool until you start feeling better. You know just the basics. Maybe your DH can watch the kids so you can take a quiet walk to clear your mind. Maybe you can put the youngest in part-time daycare. I know there are preschools that have programs a few times a week until noon. I think once you are able to are for yourself you will be better able to answer the questions of homeschooling yourself.

[Kelli in TN]

I would probably keep homeschooling and take the meds unless homeschooling was the thing causing me such unhappiness. If my depression were a chemical imbalance, I would take the medication and keep living my life. And for me, part of living my life is homeschooling my kids.

 

But if homeschooling made me unhappy for more than a passing phase (and don't we all have those passing phases of discontent?) I would not do it.

[gardenschooler]

Without going into too much detail, if you came to the conclusion that a lifestyle that included homeschooling meant you thought you might end up on antidepressants (or other meds), would you continue HSing? I'll provide more detail if necessary (I just feel like I've been whining a lot around here lately :o), but the crux of the issue is the above question.

 

WDYT?

 

I don't really understand. I thought anti-depressants were for people whose brain chemistry required some balancing out (although I'm not very knowledgeable about this subject, so please forgive me if I'm completely wrong!) In other words, it was my impression from talking to people who are on antidepressants that the problem isn't situational.

 

If I had a lifestyle that led me to feel depressed and/or anxious, I'd quit it immediately. If it's not a good fit for you and not something you can do and still feel okay, I wouldn't do it. Life is too short to make yourself miserable, and it wouldn't be doing anyone a favor if you were miserable because of the situation, would it?

 

More details, please! :D

[melissel]

Well, the thing is, I do Want to HS. I believe in it wholeheartedly. What I don't Want to do is work. I haven't wanted to work for five years now, but with the way DH's employment history has been, I thank God that we've had my job to carry us through. And even now, he appears to be doing better, but, well, he's a realtor, so I probably don't need to say much more about how stable I can expect us to be without my salary :rolleyes:

 

With our income and the COL around here, I can't afford much help. There's no way we could ever afford a nanny to cover all of my working hours--it would literally cost as much as I make. That means that with two kids, a DH who's working in some capacity seven days a week (guess who's in the office from 2-10 today, on his day off?), caring for all the household stuff, and working, there's literally no time to myself. And I can't deny that it's wearing on me anymore. I've been running on adrenaline and caffeine for a long time now, and I'm starting to see ways that that's taking it's toll (scary, small ways, like my persistent anger level, and the fact that I'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, which is what happens when my stress level gets out of control).

 

I keep trying different methods of organization, different "schedules," letting different things slide. I keep telling myself, "If I can just BE MORE ORGANIZED..." but the harsh reality is that I can't seem to do it. That is so, so very hard to admit "out loud," because I'm pretty good at not letting go until the square peg is shoved into the round hole somehow.

 

I can't give the kids away, I can't afford a housekeeper or a nanny, I can't quit my job, I can't change my very nature of needing some time to myself (though, God help me, I've tried!). The only thing I can see is that if I put the kids in K and "preschool," I can get my work done during the day and have an actual life with the kids and DH at night and on the weekends, where I don't have a laptop on my lap at all times, where I have some time to exercise and care for my health, and read books in more than just frantic 10 minute spurts while I hide in the bathroom waiting for someone to call for me.

 

The kids would be happy either way, once they got past the shock of having to get up early every day, heh! They're both very social, and with being tethered to the house for work, I haven't really been able to provide much of that for them (more guilt). But I do think they would thrive on HSing, if I could do it the "right" way (as in, it doesn't come as an afterthought to my paid work).

 

And Heather, I totally hear you, but honestly, we're barely "schooling" these days. Technically, we've 3 of the last 4 months "off" and I'm still losing it. And my DD5 is begging for school! She loves it! She loves learning from me. Argh!

 

I feel like if I take care of me, I'm failing them. If I do what's best for them, I'm failing me. DH benefits if the kids go to school (he's not too happy with me himself these days, but is VERY supportive of HSing). But again, I feel like they should be my first priority. I am conflicted to the point of paralysis over this. I really am.

 

And now I'm whining again here! The problem is, I know if I go back to my therapist, she'll immediately tell me to stop HSing. But that's not necessarily what I need to hear. It might be, but HSing is so out of common, I need some input from the people to whom it is a true priority.

[gardenschooler]

I would think long and hard about putting them in school next year. You can always bring them back home the next year, and who knows, maybe you'll feel more up to it then. Maybe a year of not trying to do it all will help you to see if you can organize your time to accomplish both working and homeschooling.

 

I personally couldn't do both - it would just feel too overwhelming to me. And you're not failing your kids if you send them to school!

 

It sounds like you need some way to figure out how to accomplish schooling this year, and working as well. Is there absolutely no one that could help you?

[melissel]

I don't really understand. I thought anti-depressants were for people whose brain chemistry required some balancing out (although I'm not very knowledgeable about this subject, so please forgive me if I'm completely wrong!) In other words, it was my impression from talking to people who are on antidepressants that the problem isn't situational.

 

If I had a lifestyle that led me to feel depressed and/or anxious, I'd quit it immediately. If it's not a good fit for you and not something you can do and still feel okay, I wouldn't do it. Life is too short to make yourself miserable, and it wouldn't be doing anyone a favor if you were miserable because of the situation, would it?

 

More details, please! :D

 

Well, I guess that's the question, right? Does it make sense in any way to choose to maintain a situation that is throwing me off balance, for the sake of my children? I believe that I could avoid spiraling further out of control if I could devote more time to self-care--better diet, exercise, time for myself, time with my husband, some much-needed sleep. With things the way they are now, I can't do that, and I'm paying the price physically. So are the people around me, who are suffering because I'm angry and starting to be anxious all the time (the anxiety part is what's making me very worried, because a dr. once predicted I would trouble with anxiety issues because I take too much on--ha!)

 

I guess I'm sort of thinking I could force the issue and let the meds quiet my brain, OR I could do the actual work myself, but that would mean school, which I don't feel is the ideal choice for the girls. Does that make anymore sense?

 

It probably sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Like the answer is staring me in the face? But I so badly want to HS them. I'm looking for a "magic" answer, I guess. I know there isn't one :( I keep hoping I'll stumble upon something.

[Kelli in TN]

Welll,

How are your local schools? Are they pretty good? Because it does not sound like anti-depressants are what you need. It sounds like you need a week with eight days, a day with more than 24 hours.

 

You can only do what you can do. You cannot do more than that. If they would do well in school and your schools are not dismal, I would think that for now it might work out better to let them go.

 

That is not failing, not at all. It is making a decision based on the reality of your situation right now.

[JudoMom]

Well, I guess that's the question, right? Does it make sense in any way to choose to maintain a situation that is throwing me off balance, for the sake of my children? I believe that I could avoid spiraling further out of control if I could devote more time to self-care--better diet, exercise, time for myself, time with my husband, some much-needed sleep. With things the way they are now, I can't do that, and I'm paying the price physically. So are the people around me, who are suffering because I'm angry and starting to be anxious all the time (the anxiety part is what's making me very worried, because a dr. once predicted I would trouble with anxiety issues because I take too much on--ha!)

 

I guess I'm sort of thinking I could force the issue and let the meds quiet my brain, I could do the actual work myself, but that would mean school, which I don't feel is the ideal choice for the girls. Does that make anymore sense?

 

It probably sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Like the answer is staring me in the face? But I so badly want to HS them. I'm looking for a "magic" answer, I guess. I know there isn't one :( I keep hoping I'll stumble upon something.

 

Any decision you make doesn't have to be forever.

 

You could put them in school for the rest of the year and get back in balance and figure out how to do all you need to do and bring them home next year. Or they could be in school for the next 1,2,3, or 5 years. But you really need to take care of you, remembering that no decision has to be permanent.

 

(((hugs))) to you...I hope you're able to find some peace, soon. It sounds like a really difficult place to be in.

[melissel]

And can I just say that, as ridiculous as it sounds, as soon as I was done typing all that out, a little voice in my head said to me, "Ugh, you complain too much. Forget sending them to school. If you could just get up earlier/be more organized/take a deep breath/get more sleep/quit trying to read for yourself, you could do it." I think it might be my dad's voice in disguise, actually! He's the "never say die" guy. Why is it so hard to admit when we can't do it all?

[Lux Et Veritas Academy]

When we had a major move/lifestyle change- I put my kids in school (2 of them) stayed home with my baby and had another one, before I decided to homeschool again. Your health is important, public school is not the devil- and your kids will survive as long as keep them as a priority and nourish them. Take care of your self and then pull them out when you are ready.

[melissel]

And thank you all for being my therapists yet again. It's hard to seek advice from people who haven't been where you are and who don't have the same priorities. I value the opinions on this board very much.

[JudoMom]

And can I just say that, as ridiculous as it sounds, as soon as I was done typing all that out, a little voice in my head said to me, "Ugh, you complain too much. Forget sending them to school. If you could just get up earlier/be more organized/take a deep breath/get more sleep/quit trying to read for yourself, you could do it." I think it might be my dad's voice in disguise, actually! He's the "never say die" guy. Why is it so hard to admit when we can't do it all?

 

What if you simply dropped all schooling expectations for yourself until fall? You said you're not doing much, but for me, unless I give myself permission to not school, I feel like I should always be schooling, so then I feel the pressure and the failure that comes with not doing something I feel I should be doing, even if it's not realistic to do it at that time. Clear as mud LOL?

 

So what if you just told yourself there would be no formal school until August or September, and you spent that time developing work, fitness, etc routines? Spent that time decompressing and being just a working Mommy? And re-evaluate where you are when it's closer to schools starting up to see if you need to place them in school.

[umarider]

homeschool if you don't want to with a capital "W".

 

Your kids are young and they are in that very intense age where it feels like they're sapping the very life-blood out of you. Go ahead and put your five year old in school for a year and get your baby in a daycare or preschool a few times a week, if you have the money for it. Being together 24/7 can get old for everyone.

 

This doesn't mean you won't ever homeschool. It means right now you need something different. You have my permission to arrange your life differently every single year for the entire time they go through school, if you want to.

 

Your kids will grow. They will learn. They'll know they're loved. It's all going to be okay.

 

And after a little break you might come back more energized and enthusiastic than ever! Or you might be the best after-school parent two kids ever had.

 

 

This is very good advice.

 

Also, have you been to any sort of counselor? I went through a bad spell last year (my first year HSing, but that wasn't my only stressor). I thought I was in a real mess, like something was permanently broken inside me, but it was amazing what just talking w/ someone outside of my life did for me! As I talked w/ her I began to see clearly for myself what the problems really were, and what I needed to do about them. Now, just knowing that I can call the counselor anytime I need to gets me through the rough spots.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I feel like if I take care of me, I'm failing them. If I do what's best for them, I'm failing me. DH benefits if the kids go to school (he's not too happy with me himself these days, but is VERY supportive of HSing). But again, I feel like they should be my first priority. I am conflicted to the point of paralysis over this. I really am.

 

 

This from a mom who has chosen year by year, and choices have included, homeschool, German national schools, public school, private school, and private boarding school. Happy, well-educated, well-adjusted older kids, a curious and decidedly not-yet-schooled 4 y/o.

 

I just typed a long long explanation about choosing each year for each child, how we did it, I mean. And I don't think you need to be bored with all that, lol!

 

But suffice to say, yes, your kids should be your first priority. Therefore, I vote put them in school and give them their wonderful, relaxed mommy back.

 

School was WONDERFUL for my kids, unless it wasn't. And if it wasn't, I dealt with it. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

 

Stop feeling guilty, make the alternative choice for school. It's not better or best or worse or inferior or superior in and of itself. Each situation is what you make of it. Guilt paralyzes you. So stop it. :D

[Guest Lorna]

If it is bad for you it is bad for your children. There would be little point in home-schooling if this was the result.

Best wishes,

Lorna

[gardenschooler]

I know you said you couldn't afford a nanny, but what can you afford? A student or young girl to come in 2 afternoons a week? A monthly (or even bi-monthly) cleaning service? Mother's Day Out for your 2 yr. old? Even one of these would probably make a HUGE difference, not only in practical terms, but also in your thinking ("Whew, at least I don't have to worry about that.")

 

I still don't understand about the meds. I thought people that needed them couldn't just choose to go off them. Is it that you really do need them? Aside from what's going on?

 

If your 5 yr. old is craving school, I might look around and see if there are any small kindergartens that look good. You could always bring her home again! (I'd do kindergarten instead of 1st grade, just because then I could supplement, it would be more fun and lower stress, and also, you may be able to find more desirable choices, such as a small church kindergarten or something). I don't know if you've thought about that, or what grade she is in now, but it's worth considering.

 

You do need time to take care of you, most definitely. Getting proper sleep makes such a huge difference in how well we can cope with stress, too.

[coffeegal]

What if you simply dropped all schooling expectations for yourself until fall?

 

I'm a working, homeschooling mom, also. My dh came home last year telling me about a friend who'd been working 80+ hour weeks. I just looked at him and walked away in disgust... uh, between working, housekeeping, errands, childcare, and homeschooling... add up the hours, honey! lol ;)

 

Seriously, as a mom who's been there done that, you're doing too much. FIAR is more than enough for a 5yo; throw in a bit of phonics and math and you have a marvelous school day. You could even drop all schooling except phonics and read alouds for the rest of the year. Personally, you and your dd need to have fun schooling together. Good books on the sofa, fun projects in the kitchen, but do not attempt to have a structured school day for the rest of the year. You'll burn yourself out. :eek: I agree with JudoMom. Drop all schooling expectations until fall. Enjoy your little ones. Also, I only try to do an awesome job with the 3 R's and Latin. We do all right with history and science, but all other subjects is catch as catch can. Something has to give. :cool:

 

Saturday is my day off. After work, I don't do anything but very minimal cooking. I play on the computer, read a book, let the children watch as many DVDs as they want (Bill Nye is well loved), and relax. My dh doesn't quite understand, but having a day that I'm allowed to goof on is important to my sanity. The house doesn't get too trashed in one day, dinner is in the crock pot, and I always feel better on Sunday. :D

 

Best of luck!

[Chris in VA]

School is not the end. The girls can't choose, but you bet they'd rather have a happier, healthier mom who didn't look constantly stressed. Perhaps they feel they are in the way--not saying they do, but kids pick up on irritability and depression, and blame themselves. Ask me how I know.

Put them in school for the rest of the year. Relax. Work your job when they are gone, and be the mom you'd like to be homeschooling-wise, but just after school. It's ok.

It really is ok.

Learning to put your health before your kids is hard, hard, hard. But it's like on the airplane, where they tell you to go against what feels like instinct, to put on your own oxygen mask before you put on your child's. Be healthy so you can be healthy towards your kids.

And know we're pulling for you!!

[Mom0012]

I would not be able to do what you are doing. I think if you are working a lot, it has got to be so hard just to have little ones around while you are working.

 

I used to be a CPA and I continued working 10 - 20 hours a week at home after my son was born. It was so frustrating. I would get up at 4:00 a.m. to try to get my work done and he would hear me and be up. My daughter was born in November 2 years later and I will never forget trying to work that tax season with my 2 year old and infant both crying for me outside the office door. I realized that I either needed to find childcare or give up my job. In my case, it was an easy choice because my husband has a reliable income, but if I was in your position, I would definitely opt for school.

 

I don't know how many hours you work or if you can afford any childcare at all for your younger one as well, but when your children are so young it is really asking a lot of yourself to be able to work and care for them at the same time.

 

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Susan in TX]

If I were in your situation, I would do everything I could to stop working or cut back on my hours. If there just was no way to stop working then I would expect my DH to pull half the load at home. If he was unwilling or unable to help with the children, housecleaning etc. then I would hire some help. If I couldn't afford that I would put my kids in school, although if my kids were only 5 and 2 I don't think I'd want them in school all day, but I think sending them to school in the mornings could be beneficial for everyone.

 

Susan in TX

[Rhondabee]

Well, the thing is, I do Want to HS. I believe in it wholeheartedly. What I don't Want to do is work. I haven't wanted to work for five years now, but with the way DH's employment history has been, I thank God that we've had my job to carry us through. And even now, he appears to be doing better, but, well, he's a realtor, so I probably don't need to say much more about how stable I can expect us to be without my salary :rolleyes:

 

With our income and the COL around here, I can't afford much help. There's no way we could ever afford a nanny to cover all of my working hours--it would literally cost as much as I make. That means that with two kids, a DH who's working in some capacity seven days a week (guess who's in the office from 2-10 today, on his day off?), caring for all the household stuff, and working, there's literally no time to myself. And I can't deny that it's wearing on me anymore. I've been running on adrenaline and caffeine for a long time now, and I'm starting to see ways that that's taking it's toll (scary, small ways, like my persistent anger level, and the fact that I'm seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, which is what happens when my stress level gets out of control).

 

I keep trying different methods of organization, different "schedules," letting different things slide. I keep telling myself, "If I can just BE MORE ORGANIZED..." but the harsh reality is that I can't seem to do it. That is so, so very hard to admit "out loud," because I'm pretty good at not letting go until the square peg is shoved into the round hole somehow.

 

I can't give the kids away, I can't afford a housekeeper or a nanny, I can't quit my job, I can't change my very nature of needing some time to myself (though, God help me, I've tried!). The only thing I can see is that if I put the kids in K and "preschool," I can get my work done during the day and have an actual life with the kids and DH at night and on the weekends, where I don't have a laptop on my lap at all times, where I have some time to exercise and care for my health, and read books in more than just frantic 10 minute spurts while I hide in the bathroom waiting for someone to call for me.

 

The kids would be happy either way, once they got past the shock of having to get up early every day, heh! They're both very social, and with being tethered to the house for work, I haven't really been able to provide much of that for them (more guilt). But I do think they would thrive on HSing, if I could do it the "right" way (as in, it doesn't come as an afterthought to my paid work).

 

And Heather, I totally hear you, but honestly, we're barely "schooling" these days. Technically, we've 3 of the last 4 months "off" and I'm still losing it. And my DD5 is begging for school! She loves it! She loves learning from me. Argh!

 

I feel like if I take care of me, I'm failing them. If I do what's best for them, I'm failing me. DH benefits if the kids go to school (he's not too happy with me himself these days, but is VERY supportive of HSing). But again, I feel like they should be my first priority. I am conflicted to the point of paralysis over this. I really am.

 

And now I'm whining again here! The problem is, I know if I go back to my therapist, she'll immediately tell me to stop HSing. But that's not necessarily what I need to hear. It might be, but HSing is so out of common, I need some input from the people to whom it is a true priority.

 

 

I was working from home, and everyone thought I ought to be able homeschool "in between" times I was "working" (and I would clean the house and grocery shop when?).

 

I couldn't do it all, and decided to quit; I can't imagine how you have been surviving. Honestly, after trying to work and homeschool for about 3 months, I don't think anti-depressants would help you "cope". Maybe one of those necklaces Hermione Granger had in The Prisoner of Azkaban? But, really, you are just *one* human being, and you can only do so much. There is only so much time, and your body can only work so much, so hard each day!!!

 

Please take care of yourself. If you really can't quit your job, then please don't feel guilty about not homeschooling. Your kids want you to be their mom ~ being their teacher is optional.

 

Hugs! I know this can't be an easy time for you!

Rhondabee

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have one friend in your situation. Here is what she and her husband have done. It isn't ideal (they are the first to admit this - but it is the best for their family). She works full-time days. He works full-time nights. Their schedule is such that someone (either asleep or awake) is always home but of course schooling (6 kids) is difficult. So, even though they would like to choose a more CM style of curriculum they've chosen 1. (in past years) Switched on schoolhouse (even the K age children could sit at the computer and do their lessons without too much involvement from Mom or Dad. 2. (this year) a K-12 online school. (this is more rigorous academically and the kids "meet" with an online teacher for questions/ once a week evaluation).

[WTMindy]

what does your dh think of the whole thing? Only the two of you can decide what is best for your family. I would have a huge heart-to-heart talk with him and ask him some of the things you have brought up here. Ask him if he thinks you are just whining and need to buck up or if you legitimately need a break. Ask him what he sees as the future of educating the kids. Ask him what he sees as the future of you working. Is there any way for you to downsize so that you can survive on one income? Maybe you have already discussed these things to death, but this is a decision that the two of you have to make. I'm sending up a prayer your way right now that you will have peace, rest, calmness, sanity, etc.... By the way, I see nothing wrong with sending them to school next year if it is best. And, I see nothing wrong with giving up some of your own personal time, getting up earlier if that is what you think is best (and you can stay healthy). Best of luck in your decision!!

[Adrianne]

Do you have to work so much? Can you cut down your hours or make budget cuts?

 

Enroll the kids in school next year. The most important thing is a happy mom. Happy mom = happy family.

 

You never know where life will take you. May be the following year, you can try it again. As the little one gets older, HS will be easier.

 

For right now, don't be worried about this year. Your K child will be fine.

 

Try to relax and take it easy. Your not worth anything to anyone if you are stress or sick.

 

Adrianne

[BizyPenguin]

I didn't read the other responses, but I just don't think it's worth it at all to homeschool if it's going to affect your mental state. Your children deserve a happy mommy. If homeschooling is going to make you depressed, then don't do it. All the best!

[Renee in NC]

I've read all the responses.

 

I am you. You are me. Something like that anyway!

 

I get up at 5am. We leave at 6:15-6:30. During that time, I get 5 dc up, dressed, and ready to go out the door. 5 children that are 9 and under - thankfully my 14yo can get himself up!

 

We drop the 1 yo and 3yo at daycare - they started this week at a rate of $1454 per month. Money I don't have to spare, but I didn't know what else to do. We couldn't find a reliable nanny.

 

Then we continue on to get to work by 7:15 with our 5yo, 6yo, and 9yo. The 14yo goes to school - sometimes I have to drop dh off at work and drive him to school 15 miles away.

 

Then I try to homeschool and work for the next 10+ hours. It's hard - someone always wants SOMETHING (whether it is a child, my dh, or customers.) If we are busy it seems that the dc run out back unsupervised more than anything.

 

We then do everything in reverse. After coming home at 6pm, cooking dinner, trying to clean and do laundry for 8 people, etc., I usually fall into bed at 9:30.

 

My dc have no lessons, no outside life. I have them enrolled for school next year.

 

BUT - would it be any better? I don't know. I want so much for them, but our business requires both of us. When I didn't work, the only difference was that we didn't leave the house, but there were no lessons, no doctors visits, nothing.

 

Dh doesn't want them to go to school, but I told him that if he doesn't want them too, then HE has to help me figure out how to make this better. I am SOOOO thankful for our business - we're still broke, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don't have any advice - just empathy. I get what you are saying - you want everything, but you don't feel like you can (and you don't know what to give up.)

[Liz CA]

I would take some time off. They are really young. Do the minimum for a while and just let them play. Take a few week and evaluate what you really want to do.

 

Either way, it will be ok. They have a mom who wants the best for them. They will be fine.

 

there is no urgency to complete anything right now. I am wondering if some of those feelings don't stem from being home with very young children. I remember thinking that my brain cells had oozed out and all I ever said was: "Need to go potty?" , "Time for your nap" and "Oh, oh".

Do you have IRL friends nearby with whom you can go out for a cup of coffee or just a walk when dh is home with kids?

 

I agree with Heather to re-evaluate and make decisions slowly.

[dangermom]

You can only do so much. You have a huge amount on your plate and frankly, I would not be able to do it. If it was me, I would put the kids in school, which is not the end of the world, and try again in a year or so. It's better to be a healthy non-homeschooling mom who is happy for her kids in the afternoons than to be an unhealthy homeschooling mom who is drowning because she's trying to do too much.

[melissel]

I know you said you couldn't afford a nanny, but what can you afford? A student or young girl to come in 2 afternoons a week? A monthly (or even bi-monthly) cleaning service? Mother's Day Out for your 2 yr. old? Even one of these would probably make a HUGE difference, not only in practical terms, but also in your thinking ("Whew, at least I don't have to worry about that.")

 

I still don't understand about the meds. I thought people that needed them couldn't just choose to go off them. Is it that you really do need them? Aside from what's going on?

 

We just hired a 15-year-old to come around 8 hours a week, and she's been here a few times. So far, she's not very "take charge," but I can work around that, training her and making sure there are easily available snacks and meals. That will (hopefully) work itself out. But that is the max that we can really afford at the moment. In fact, just the other day I was fantasizing about maybe being able to hire a cleaner for the occasional help--then my DH promptly called and told me his car needed $900 worth of work *sigh*

 

In general, about the money, there's a potential for my DH to make very good money at this new job. But again, given his job history and considering the real estate market, I just can't see me actually quitting my job. We've actually made several plans for me to quit in the past five years--including me saying at one point, "I'm quitting. Be prepared to figure out how to support us, no matter what." Every single time, he's been laid off, or the company folded, or the market tanked, or whatever. I'm too scared to even contemplate it!

 

About the meds, my main fear is how bad things might get further along the line. Since September, I'm having fewer and fewer "Things are good!" days and far more bad days, and my anxiety level is rising. I've never, never been an anxious person, and I'm honestly afraid I'm headed for panic attacks or something. In general, feeling like this most days just does not feel good. Meds aren't just for people who might be committed or have some kind of break if they don't take them. There's a range of behaviors and emotional situations (as in, you feel hopeless and anxious every day and can't make the cloud lift on your own) where they'd be necessary or useful. I'm trying to not get to the point where they'd be necessary, based on the way my emotions have been sliding in the past several months. Does that make any sense?

 

If your 5 yr. old is craving school, I might look around and see if there are any small kindergartens that look good. You could always bring her home again! (I'd do kindergarten instead of 1st grade, just because then I could supplement, it would be more fun and lower stress, and also, you may be able to find more desirable choices, such as a small church kindergarten or something). I don't know if you've thought about that, or what grade she is in now, but it's worth considering.

 

Actually, what's she craving is school from me. She loves what we do at home, and how close it brings us. She really thrives on it. This is part of my guilt, of course! And there are no small Ks--that's part of my problem :rolleyes: There's only the crummy PS, or a pricy (but way cheap for the area) private school that is academically rigorous (8 a.m. to 3 p.m). Even our wonderfully gentle play-based preschool ramps up to an academic full-day K, because "they really need that full day, you know?" I have a hard time swallowing full-day K.

 

Welll,

How are your local schools? Are they pretty good? Because it does not sound like anti-depressants are what you need. It sounds like you need a week with eight days, a day with more than 24 hours.

 

They're...OK. Not good, not horrible. I've been told, when I tell people which elementary school we're routed to, that "you don't want your kid to go to that school." I've also been told by a teacher in the system that she "wouldn't blame the school's problems or test scores on the teachers or curriculum," but more on the specific type of student population. Well, gee, thanks! Also, the high school had a bomb threat last year. Turned out it was a prank meant to scare some people, but still. It's billed as a "blue ribbon" school system, but I have no idea what the blue ribbon was for, and it was awarded years ago, for the high school. And heavens, yes, I really really could use an 8-hour week, LOL!

 

Guilt paralyzes you. So stop it. :D

 

You're so right. I've spent a lot of time paralyzed over this. It sucks. Every day my decisions are newly debated and fall out differently.

 

What if you simply dropped all schooling expectations for yourself until fall?

 

<<snip>>

 

Spent that time decompressing and being just a working Mommy? And re-evaluate where you are when it's closer to schools starting up to see if you need to place them in school.

 

Hmm. You really got me thinking tonight. This will probably be the approach I take, for now. Thing is, it's not so much that I feel the pressure of schooling all the time. It's actually more that I feel the sword of work hanging over me all the time. I can't enjoy time with the girls, I have a hard time getting them out of the house, I'm constantly saying No No No I can't do this or that with them because I have to finish "this work thing." I dropped the kids at my parents' tonight and went to B&N with my computer, intending to work. And it just made me so bloody sad that I couldn't even take an hour to myself at the bookstore on a Friday night without the work hanging over my head, because I can't ever gather together enough focused time to get it done. I ended up not working, so now the sword is hanging over me right now. And I'm here, so the sword will likely still be there tomorrow, etc.

 

Seriously, as a mom who's been there done that, you're doing too much. FIAR is more than enough for a 5yo; throw in a bit of phonics and math and you have a marvelous school day.

 

<<snip>>

 

Saturday is my day off. After work, I don't do anything but very minimal cooking. I play on the computer, read a book, let the children watch as many DVDs as they want (Bill Nye is well loved), and relax. My dh doesn't quite understand, but having a day that I'm allowed to goof on is important to my sanity. The house doesn't get too trashed in one day, dinner is in the crock pot, and I always feel better on Sunday.

 

Ha! Don't give me too much credit. We only do bits and pieces of all those things, and not every day :D Actually, not even most weeks! I like your day off idea. I'll have to think more about that one.

 

what does your dh think of the whole thing? Only the two of you can decide what is best for your family. I would have a huge heart-to-heart talk with him and ask him some of the things you have brought up here. Ask him if he thinks you are just whining and need to buck up or if you legitimately need a break. Ask him what he sees as the future of educating the kids. Ask him what he sees as the future of you working. Is there any way for you to downsize so that you can survive on one income?

 

He thinks I need to do what is best for me. He totally supports me either way. However, he has the luxury of downtime. He gets home from work and the girls go to bed, and then he sits and watches TV, and complains when I stay up later than he does (every night). For me, when the kids go to bed, I'm cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys and clothes, and starting my paid work. I get that he needs downtime, and he deserves it, but so do I. He says I should take it, and he's right, but, um, who's going to do all the rest of the stuff? Yeah, it's an issue. :D And he doesn't want to sell our house to downsize (which actually wouldn't benefit us much now anyway, given the COL in central NJ), and he's working his tail off to bring in the commissions that will mean covering our bills, so it's not like I can complain that he's at the office 7 days a week. When I tell him that I need him to work as hard as I do at helping me care for our children and our house, he says I work too hard, and he simply doesn't want to live a life where he's stressed all the time. *insert big, annoyed bugeyed smiley here*

 

The girls can't choose, but you bet they'd rather have a happier, healthier mom who didn't look constantly stressed. Perhaps they feel they are in the way--not saying they do, but kids pick up on irritability and depression, and blame themselves. Ask me how I know.

 

Learning to put your health before your kids is hard, hard, hard. But it's like on the airplane, where they tell you to go against what feels like instinct, to put on your own oxygen mask before you put on your child's. Be healthy so you can be healthy towards your kids.

And know we're pulling for you!!

 

This hits a nerve, because you're so right. I know my DD5 is strongly affected by what's going on with me, and that's the biggest factor in favor of school. More than my sanity, more than my lack of sleep, more than my need for downtime.

 

And you know, I gave that same advice to j.griff earlier today. Why can't I take it myself?

 

I don't have any advice - just empathy. I get what you are saying - you want everything, but you don't feel like you can (and you don't know what to give up.)

 

I'm so sorry you're in a nearby boat, but thank you for your words. It does help to know I'm not alone in the internal struggle!

[melissel]

You are so incredibly kind. Why can't I grace myself with the same kindness and understanding that you all have? What's up with that??

 

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice. I can't even tell you what your responses mean to me. I can't say I know what I'm going to do, outside of have another discussion with my DH and make a last ditch attempt at organizing my time better and utilizing my help resources (my mom, DH, our mother's helper) more efficiently. But at least I know that I'm not crazy or selfish for thinking that my own health matters at least as much, if not more, than the schooling choice for the girls.

 

I have a lot more thinking to do.

[kalanamak]

One, they don't always work

Two, I don't do anything with meds that I can't do with lifestyle changes

Three, being around a depressed parent can really do a number on kids

Four, teaching children that you do with meds what you could do with lifestyle changes isn't my cup of tea

Five, children do learn at school and your home is still the most important influence in their lives.

 

IMO, mind you.

[Snickerdoodle]

Whoops! Wrong thread.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

You are so incredibly kind. Why can't I grace myself with the same kindness and understanding that you all have? What's up with that??

 

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice. I can't even tell you what your responses mean to me. I can't say I know what I'm going to do, outside of have another discussion with my DH and make a last ditch attempt at organizing my time better and utilizing my help resources (my mom, DH, our mother's helper) more efficiently. But at least I know that I'm not crazy or selfish for thinking that my own health matters at least as much, if not more, than the schooling choice for the girls.

 

I have a lot more thinking to do.

 

PLEASE keep in mind the statistics about the predisposition for depression in later life that having a depressed mother causes. Not to give any guilt to you or ANYbody about depression -- it's an illness, an alteration in brain chemistry no matter WHAT the cause, and sometimes the alteration becomes entrenched and must be medically managed. But please don't allow your paralysis to further erode your health. Their health is also at stake. If one can manage depression with a lifestyle change, counseling, and/or medication, it can have life-changing effects on not only the mother but on her children's lives after they are grown.

 

You are not selfish. You are doing the right thing both for yourself and for your marriage and for your precious children. A sane, not stressed mom is a bigger gift to a child than a home education, IMO. And I speak as someone who has BTDT, both as the child with the not-quite-sane mom and the mom who struggled to stay even emotionally on the outside while on the inside battling with depression and rage.

[melissel]

PLEASE keep in mind the statistics about the predisposition for depression in later life that having a depressed mother causes.

 

OMG, Pam. My mom had a nervous breakdown when she was...well, two years older than me, actually! She disappeared into her room for a year, and I barely saw her. Occasionally she'd be out in the living room when I came home from school, and then she was gone again. I don't remember much about that year, fortunately. I was sixteen at the time and was working a PT job and had a very active social life, so they were content to let me come and go as I pleased, and it didn't affect me very much--mainly because my parents did a very good job of hiding the severity of situation. In fact, the main emotion I remember feeling is annoyance that she couldn't "pull it together." :eek: She finally came out of it with meds and therapy, and later had a mini relapse, but I was gone at college by then.

 

I barely remember that time in my life. In fact, I had forgotten about for years until in therapy three years ago, I was asked about what led my mom to be on antidepressants. I'm speechless with shock that I didn't remember the links about mothers and depression in daughters. Just speechless. Thank you for that. And I'm so sorry for what you've been through :(

 

ETA that when I first read your post, I thought to myself, "Hmmm, my mom wasn't depressed. She was ANGRY." Uh, hello? Then I remembered what happened that year, and realized the full extent of what's happening here. That really scares the you know what out-of-me.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

That really scares the you know what out-of-me.

 

Knowledge is power, Melissa. Knowledge is power. You will find your way out of this maze, even if you have to leave the normal path and hack your way out through the hedges.

[melissel]

The real question is "what about homeschooling is making me depressed?". For me it came down to the fact that I wasn't taking care of me and I have a highly stressful special needs child.

 

Those things are not directly related to homeschooling but if they were in school I would have more free time to take care of me and get the break I need from my SN kiddo. In my case we have decided for now to try and deal with the underlying issues of giving mom a break and self care as well as therapy for my dd. If these things do not work though ps is on the table because my mental health is more important than school. I don't want my kids to grow up with a depressed mom.

 

This is my exact problem, and for now, this is is going to be my exact approach. I'm going to mobilize all my resources and see where that takes me. If the problem is still there, well, then, yes, I think PS will be on the table, even if it means we have to move to a better school district. (Fortunately, we live near several, though the COL will be a slap in the face :()

 

I have taken meds on and off for years. They only go so far if you don't treat the underlying cause.

 

I've gotten such good advice on this here and via PM. I mentioned to someone earlier that the more I think about it, given my family history, the more I wouldn't be surprised to find that I'll need them at some point anyway. But as you said, I'm going to do everything possible to address the underlying causes first.

 

Thank you for sharing your situation. It helps a lot :o

[6packofun]

if you are medically depressed (chemical imbalance, SAD), then *life* is what is too hard. I know because I suffer from depression as well and, while homeschooling may seem like the cause, it is the day to day living that becomes just too difficult to manage...changing how you spend your day--working, homeschooling, only managing the home, whatever--will only be a temporary change to lift your spirits and then you will slide back down because you cannot help it.

 

Antidepressants or whatever you find to manage your depression will not take away the challenges that are inherent in homeschooling or working or just being a mom, but it will help your approach to dealing with them. You'll have to learn some coping tools that work for you, too. Practical things that might just come naturally to those who do not suffer depression: lots of short breaks, doing more things that refresh your spirit, spending time alone--or with friends--when you need it, and for a time lowering your expectations and asking for help when you must! And you must!

 

So, I recommend what others here have said! Attend to your mental health FIRST and then ease back into the life you want to have, a little at a time. You can do it!

[Susan in TX]

 

He thinks I need to do what is best for me. He totally supports me either way. However, he has the luxury of downtime. He gets home from work and the girls go to bed, and then he sits and watches TV, and complains when I stay up later than he does (every night). For me, when the kids go to bed, I'm cleaning the kitchen, picking up toys and clothes, and starting my paid work. I get that he needs downtime, and he deserves it, but so do I. He says I should take it, and he's right, but, um, who's going to do all the rest of the stuff? Yeah, it's an issue. :D And he doesn't want to sell our house to downsize (which actually wouldn't benefit us much now anyway, given the COL in central NJ), and he's working his tail off to bring in the commissions that will mean covering our bills, so it's not like I can complain that he's at the office 7 days a week. When I tell him that I need him to work as hard as I do at helping me care for our children and our house, he says I work too hard, and he simply doesn't want to live a life where he's stressed all the time. *insert big, annoyed bugeyed smiley here*

 

Your husband isn't opposed to you quitting work, and he won't carry half of the burden of the housework, childcare etc. so stop letting fear keep you from doing what you really want to do. Have some faith in your husband and his abilities to provide. Based on what you said above, he won't let the bills go unpaid. You are taking on responsibility that's not yours. Let him shoulder that burden and you take care of the house, the kids, and the homeschooling.

 

Susan in TX

[elizam]

I do have one in PS and have considered it for the other 3. BUT....so many aspects of PS actually make me MORE depressed and I hate that I lose so much more control over my kids' education and socialization. It's a hard call. I think I'd choose the meds over the PS option. And daycare would REALLY give me stress. I used to work in one and know how many of the workers and even the director really felt about kids (and how they treated them).

[Renee in NC]

Your husband isn't opposed to you quitting work, and he won't carry half of the burden of the housework, childcare etc. so stop letting fear keep you from doing what you really want to do. Have some faith in your husband and his abilities to provide. Based on what you said above, he won't let the bills go unpaid. You are taking on responsibility that's not yours. Let him shoulder that burden and you take care of the house, the kids, and the homeschooling.

 

 

Before you do something like this, make sure your dh *is* willing to "take up the slack" in your income. Make sure that he *won't* simply let the bills go unpaid. My dh won't take on *any* burden by himself and rarely does he help carry mine. Yeah, he'll pitch in and help some, but never will he take on the responsibility of something. I tried someone's advice to "let him provide" and quit working when I had the same problem (more work than time.) We ended up with my dh furious that his satellite got cut off and me scrambling to keep the lights on and get food for my dc.

 

Yes, my dh works in our business as well, but he does only that which he wants to do and leaves the rest to me.

[Renee in NC]

UPS and Fed Ex run swing shifts that pay pretty well. You may end up getting up in the middle of the night to make the man eggs but that sounds much easier than what you are doing. - just a thought. We eventually decided that our family ran more smoothly if I was home, not trying to work but being able to support dh while he works two jobs.

 

 

As I just said, make sure your family dynamic works this way - mine doesn't. Mine was NEVER willing to get a second job for any reason, and he wasn't willing to give up anything for his family. This almost ruined our family. I was willing to do whatever necessary to support him, but he wasn't willing to return the consideration. That's why I work 50 hours, shoulder the burden of the family care, AND homeschool - because he won't.

[Mrs Mungo]

Before you do something like this, make sure your dh *is* willing to "take up the slack" in your income. Make sure that he *won't* simply let the bills go unpaid. My dh won't take on *any* burden by himself and rarely does he help carry mine. Yeah, he'll pitch in and help some, but never will he take on the responsibility of something. I tried someone's advice to "let him provide" and quit working when I had the same problem (more work than time.) We ended up with my dh furious that his satellite got cut off and me scrambling to keep the lights on and get food for my dc.

 

Yes, my dh works in our business as well, but he does only that which he wants to do and leaves the rest to me.

 

Wow...I just can't imagine that situation. :(