Parents just don’t understand

[Carrie12345]

My family lives 800 miles away. That’s my mom, stepdad, 2 sisters, 2 nieces, and nephew. 19 years ago, I moved an hour and a half from our family home and they moved there. My parents were in a financial position that allowed them to come up one or twice a year and our kids were little, so we’d go down every year or two. Today, money is tight for my parents and sisters and I have 4 kids at home and one out of state busy with work, school, and homeschool activity schedules, plus dh and I have our volunteer stuff. And pets.

Lately, my mom has been big on “you should come down such-and-such week”, and it pulls on my heartstrings, but it’s usually last minute and never at a good time for us. The last time I found a date that we could swing, it was when one sister was moving out of their house, the other was moving in, and my stepdad was trying to recover from surgery.  Not great for actual visiting! There last planned visit was canceled for that surgery.  All understandable.

I found out a few weeks back that my parents are coming up for a few days to see my ailing grandmother (2 hours away from me). It took a few more weeks for my mom to tell me herself. It’s a short time with an important purpose, so I asked her to let me know when she might want to get together for a little bit.  Well, today is their flight in. Tuesday is their flight out. We have not planned a get together.

Across my kids, there’s a work shift today, event tonight, work shifts Sun and Mon, doctor appt. Tuesday, and my house needs to be painted for floor installation. I didn’t have a day to tell my kids to request off or to schedule other things around.  Dh is happy to paint without me because he’s visited with them while on business trips, but I can’t imagine leaving one of the kids out!

It’s so frustrating, and I’ve got resentment building up. My mom was always an obsessive planner, which she passed down to me. I’ve noticed these past couple years that she’s just gone with the flow, but I don’t have the freedom to float along with her!

There is some toxicity in my family, but never between my mom and me. Well, not since I was a teen, lol.  With how she’s been changing over the years, I’m worried that trying to discuss all this is going to piss her off and shut her down, because she’s beginning to see everything that’s difficult as an attack. (She’s always been conflict-avoidant, but didn’t hold a grudge.). And I really have no idea how to respond if she calls me up tonight and suggests we meet up tomorrow afternoon, when both dds are working.

I feel guilty fo not being available! And I’m annoyed that I feel guilty, because I was never given the opportunity to BE available!!!

Anyone available to chill me out? I’m between therapists, lol.

[Scarlett]

I think most of this is part of the aging process.  And I would call her up and cheerfully make a plan for YOU to see her and take along which ever of the children can make it.  As our teens start working they are generally going to be less available for family functions especially last minute.  I wouldn’t put any pressure on your kids......let them decide if they can come or not.

[Carrie12345]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think most of this is part of the aging process.  And I would call her up and cheerfully make a plan for YOU to see her and take along which ever of the children can make it.  As our teens start working they are generally going to be less available for family functions especially last minute.  I wouldn’t put any pressure on your kids......let them decide if they can come or not.

Oh, there’s no external pressure on the kids, but definitely internal.  They haven’t seen their grandparents in almost a year and a half now, and it was less than anticipated because of :::drumroll::: limited planning. They want to spend time with them.

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Oh, there’s no external pressure on the kids, but definitely internal.  They haven’t seen their grandparents in almost a year and a half now, and it was less than anticipated because of :::drumroll::: limited planning. They want to spend time with them.

I know.  It is hard. They will just have to tell their grandparents th u are sorry. It they can’t because of not enough advance notice.  

How often do you talk to your mom?

[Carrie12345]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

How often do you talk to your mom

Oh, it varies. Maybe once a month phone calls on average, more if there’s a lot going on, and intermittent texts here and there.  A few years ago, she was out of work and we’d talk several times a week, but work and my sisters (and their kids) exhaust her now. 

ETA: I also carry around this feeling that *I* exhaust her, which may or may not be true!

Edited November 9, 2019 by Carrie12345

[sheryl]

Carrie,  I hesitate to reply b/c my intention is NOT to upset you but you posted for input and this is only my opinion.  BUT, you have a lot going on in your schedule.  You have 4 kids and 1 out (if I read that correctly), your this and your that activity.  Let me ask.  When IS the right time?  It CAN be frustrating to plan get togethers to not have them pan out b/c there is always a glitch.  So, if you wait to have all your kids home or your floor painted maybe there will be something else come along that prevents a visit.   

Honestly, I'm concerned for you Mom and how she handled your stepdad's surgery and recovery.  Did she have help?  

Your family!  Under the circumstances (no, at all times) family is more important than a floor.  

I'm trying to speak objectively here and hope it did NOT come across as chastisement. 

[Carrie12345]

29 minutes ago, sheryl said:

Carrie,  I hesitate to reply b/c my intention is NOT to upset you but you posted for input and this is only my opinion.  BUT, you have a lot going on in your schedule.  You have 4 kids and 1 out (if I read that correctly), your this and your that activity.  Let me ask.  When IS the right time?  It CAN be frustrating to plan get togethers to not have them pan out b/c there is always a glitch.  So, if you wait to have all your kids home or your floor painted maybe there will be something else come along that prevents a visit.   

Honestly, I'm concerned for you Mom and how she handled your stepdad's surgery and recovery.  Did she have help?  

Your family!  Under the circumstances (no, at all times) family is more important than a floor.  

I'm trying to speak objectively here and hope it did NOT come across as chastisement. 

Not chastisement, just facts!  Like I said, dh is fine painting (walls, lol) but I still think it would have been nuts for all of us to take all 4 days off to see if/when our presence might be requested for lunch. We all could have relatively easily reserved a specific day. She wouldn’t give me one.

Same with traveling. I could plan a trip for April and keep it open, but Mom would hesitate because she wouldn’t know yet what that time will look like for her. Then she’d suggest we come in 2 weeks, when our commitments are already set. 
 

(Side note: I’m unable to drive more than 4 hours at a time, and she does know that. Dh can’t just take off work whenever he feels like it, and she also knows that. She can’t do that either, so last minute trips would be visits around her 9-5 and maybe a “sick” day.)

All I’m saying is that I need a halfway decent lead time to make reasonable arrangements.  Work vacation requests, pet boarding, not scheduling a fundraiser, big meeting, or medical tests, moving the budget around... Or just telling me one little week before which day I should drive 4 hours for a 2-3 hour visit and I’ll have everyone clear their schedule. I don’t think leaving businesses and organizations hanging because Grandma might call at some surprise moment is very reasonable. 
 

My stepbrother was there for his dad’s surgery. I was there for his recovery from his previous surgery.  Both of my sisters live RIGHT there (always at least one IN the house for the past... forever, pretty much.) I’ve tried to convince my parents to move back up here for more help, but they hate the idea of leaving my sisters to fend for themselves.  (It’d be closer to my stepbrother and SIL, too.)

[sheryl]

I see, Carrie.  Well, I would simply lay out the facts as you presented here then, as best as can be, and explain that it's equally frustrating for you b/c you are trying to make arrangements to visit with her.  

Go on to tell her that your hands seem tied b/c you suggest this and that but to no avail.  Gently remind her that everyone needs some measure of flexibility to "make this happen".   Keep us posted and hoping you all will be able to visit soon.

Does your Mother suffer from anxiety?  If I'm understanding you correctly, she (semi) schedules/agrees to a visit and then backs out?  Maybe there's a deeper issue.  ????  Don't know, just wondering. 

[sassenach]

Maybe this is just your heart telling you that it’s time to actually get something on the calendar and make the trip. Or if you have more money than time, fly them out to you. 
 

ETA- it sounds like your mom has been juggling spousal surgery, ailing parents, and who knows what else. I don’t think she has the capacity to be the organized person she once was. You will have to fill that void. (((Hugs)))

Edited November 9, 2019 by sassenach

[J-rap]

I would work really hard to plan a trip in the future.  That's the only way our family of 7 would be able to take a big trip (800 miles is big!), especially when the kids are at busy ages with lots going on.  That gives everyone time to check their schedules, ask off from work, plan in advance.  It sounds like planning in advance is not easy for your mother, but perhaps you need to be firm.  How about if you give her a range of dates, and tell her to pick the best range.

It's odd that she doesn't seem to understand how it's not easy or practical, at all, for you to just pick up and go with little time notice when you have a family, although depending on your mother's age or stress or whatever, it could just be a symptom of that.

As far as visit this weekend when your mother is in your area, can you just leave all the kids for an afternoon and visit her yourself?  Or take the kids who can go and leave the rest with your husband?  You said you can't imagine leaving one of the kids out...  Do you mean visiting your mother without some of your kids?  I found as my kids got older and busier this was the only way to work it the majority of times.  Whoever can come, comes;  whoever can't, doesn't.  It's just life with a busy family.  If you can work that part out, I do think it's worth the effort, whether kids can come or not.

Good luck!

[Carrie12345]

3 minutes ago, sheryl said:

Does your Mother suffer from anxiety?  If I'm understanding you correctly, she (semi) schedules/agrees to a visit and then backs out?  Maybe there's a deeper issue.  ????  Don't know, just wonderin

I always think there’s a deeper issue, which there may be, or it may be from MY anxiety, lol.
I do know that life has worn her down. It’s changed her. And I know I can’t change her back to The Original, but I need *something* to work with. I have dropped everything, and will still, for emergencies, but I don’t know how to wrap my head around dropping everything in a case like this, when a flight was booked with plenty of notice to make plans.

I wouldn’t say she’s “backed out” unreasonably in the past, but her last visit last year was full of “we’ll be there at X time” and then shifting to hours later.

[City Mouse]

I understand being annoyed that she won’t give you a specific day or time or that she doesn’t plan far enough in advance to be convenient for your immediate family. My mother would have the exact same complaint about me. 

I think you are just going to have to come to terms with the fact that your lifestyle doesn’t match hers at this point in everyone’s life. When she calls at the last minute, whoever is free can have lunch with her. 

i wish my mother was more understanding of the fact that I can’t plan months in advance when I will come. I still don’t know if I (and one kid) will be able to visit over Thanksgiving. I can probably go visit of the Christmas (school) break, but that will be dependent on the weather since we drive 14hrs each way. Adult kids are on their own to plan visits or not. That is just the way it is right now. 

[J-rap]

1 minute ago, City Mouse said:

I understand being annoyed that she won’t give you a specific day or time or that she doesn’t plan far enough in advance to be convenient for your immediate family. My mother would have the exact same complaint about me. 

I think you are just going to have to come to terms with the fact that your lifestyle doesn’t match hers at this point in everyone’s life. When she calls at the last minute, whoever is free can have lunch with her. 

i wish my mother was more understanding of the fact that I can’t plan months in advance when I will come. I still don’t know if I (and one kid) will be able to visit over Thanksgiving. I can probably go visit of the Christmas (school) break, but that will be dependent on the weather since we drive 14hrs each way. Adult kids are on their own to plan visits or not. That is just the way it is right now. 

Oh yes, everything definitely becomes "weather-dependent" this time of year!  That's always the last thing we say when making a meet-up plan:  "...depending on the weather."  🙂   And yes, at some point adult kids handle their own planning.  We invite them, and if they can come, great.  If not, that's just the way it goes.

[Carrie12345]

5 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I would work really hard to plan a trip in the future.  That's the only way our family of 7 would be able to take a big trip (800 miles is big!), especially when the kids are at busy ages with lots going on.  That gives everyone time to check their schedules, ask off from work, plan in advance.  It sounds like planning in advance is not easy for your mother, but perhaps you need to be firm.  How about if you give her a range of dates, and tell her to pick the best range.

It's odd that she doesn't seem to understand how it's not easy or practical, at all, for you to just pick up and go with little time notice when you have a family, although depending on your mother's age or stress or whatever, it could just be a symptom of that.

As far as visit this weekend when your mother is in your area, can you just leave all the kids for an afternoon and visit her yourself?  Or take the kids who can go and leave the rest with your husband?  You said you can't imagine leaving one of the kids out...  Do you mean visiting your mother without some of your kids?  I found as my kids got older and busier this was the only way to work it the majority of times.  Whoever can come, comes;  whoever can't, doesn't.  It's just life with a busy family.  If you can work that part out, I do think it's worth the effort, whether kids can come or not.

Good luck!

I am considering going by myself. None of my kids will like that, and my mom will get all sad, but I can only work with what I’ve got.

[sheryl]

And, Carrie, reading this thread.  How about go by yourself "this time" and plan ahead for a family reunion next summer or whenever ALL/MOST will be able to attend and enjoy that time?  If you plan far enough in advance, I bet something would work out.   

[Carrie12345]

1 minute ago, J-rap said:

Oh yes, everything definitely becomes "weather-dependent" this time of year!  That's always the last thing we say when making a meet-up plan:  "...depending on the weather."  🙂   And yes, at some point adult kids handle their own planning.  We invite them, and if they can come, great.  If not, that's just the way it goes.

Definitely!  We had an incredible family trip (8 adults, 10 kids from late teens to babies) over Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, but it was a giant weather risk!
I’ve gone down twice by myself in the winter and had to deal with multiple flight reschedules between their freak storms and storms at home.
As it is, they may have delays getting their flight out this time!

[J-rap]

Just now, Carrie12345 said:

I am considering going by myself. None of my kids will like that, and my mom will get all sad, but I can only work with what I’ve got.

I think that's a good plan.  You just have to go with what works.  (I've learned the perfect plan is seldom possible...  being grateful for whatever is workable is always good.  And I know that isn't always easy!!)

[Pen]

I’d suggest taking any kid(s) who is available to go when you can go—maybe the home without workshift kid(s) — and visit as best you can.  Perhaps kids who could not go now will get a better visit chance in the future.  And maybe one who goes now won’t be able to then, but will have gotten to see grandma this time.  

[Valley Girl]

29 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I am considering going by myself. None of my kids will like that, and my mom will get all sad, but I can only work with what I’ve got.

This. Your kids AND your mom will just have to understand. (I am in the same boat, so I'm speaking from empathy.) If your mom starts trying to guilt you, just explain (though I'm sure you've already done it) that the kids have commitments and couldn't get away right now. Remind her that YOU'RE there. There's nothing worse than going to visit someone and have them complain about (1) how they never see you or (2) the people who aren't there. Maybe that would be a good time to pin her down to a date she can come to you since her schedule may be more flexible. Tell her that with plenty of lead time, you  have a better chance of making sure everyone's available. It's hard, I know.

[Jaybee]

46 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I found as my kids got older and busier this was the only way to work it the majority of times.  Whoever can come, comes;  whoever can't, doesn't.  It's just life with a busy family.

Yep.

[alisoncooks]

No helpful comments here, but I just wanted to say that the title of this thread swung me way back to DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince...

[KathyBC]

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

My family lives 800 miles away. That’s my mom, stepdad, 2 sisters, 2 nieces, and nephew. 19 years ago, I moved an hour and a half from our family home and they moved there. My parents were in a financial position that allowed them to come up one or twice a year and our kids were little, so we’d go down every year or two. Today, money is tight for my parents and sisters and I have 4 kids at home and one out of state busy with work, school, and homeschool activity schedules, plus dh and I have our volunteer stuff. And pets.

Lately, my mom has been big on “you should come down such-and-such week”, and it pulls on my heartstrings, but it’s usually last minute and never at a good time for us. The last time I found a date that we could swing, it was when one sister was moving out of their house, the other was moving in, and my stepdad was trying to recover from surgery.  Not great for actual visiting! There last planned visit was canceled for that surgery.  All understandable.

I found out a few weeks back that my parents are coming up for a few days to see my ailing grandmother (2 hours away from me). It took a few more weeks for my mom to tell me herself. It’s a short time with an important purpose, so I asked her to let me know when she might want to get together for a little bit.  Well, today is their flight in. Tuesday is their flight out. We have not planned a get together.

Across my kids, there’s a work shift today, event tonight, work shifts Sun and Mon, doctor appt. Tuesday, and my house needs to be painted for floor installation. I didn’t have a day to tell my kids to request off or to schedule other things around.  Dh is happy to paint without me because he’s visited with them while on business trips, but I can’t imagine leaving one of the kids out!

It’s so frustrating, and I’ve got resentment building up. My mom was always an obsessive planner, which she passed down to me. I’ve noticed these past couple years that she’s just gone with the flow, but I don’t have the freedom to float along with her!

There is some toxicity in my family, but never between my mom and me. Well, not since I was a teen, lol.  With how she’s been changing over the years, I’m worried that trying to discuss all this is going to piss her off and shut her down, because she’s beginning to see everything that’s difficult as an attack. (She’s always been conflict-avoidant, but didn’t hold a grudge.). And I really have no idea how to respond if she calls me up tonight and suggests we meet up tomorrow afternoon, when both dds are working.

I feel guilty fo not being available! And I’m annoyed that I feel guilty, because I was never given the opportunity to BE available!!!

Anyone available to chill me out? I’m between therapists, lol.

As your kids get older, it's natural that they may not get to see your parents as often. That doesn't mean you can't! Swing in a quick visit with whoever is available.

My recent visits with my folks have been to do things like medical appointments and move. That is the visit.

[sassenach]

1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

I always think there’s a deeper issue, which there may be, or it may be from MY anxiety, lol.
I do know that life has worn her down. It’s changed her. And I know I can’t change her back to The Original, but I need *something* to work with. I have dropped everything, and will still, for emergencies, but I don’t know how to wrap my head around dropping everything in a case like this, when a flight was booked with plenty of notice to make plans.

I wouldn’t say she’s “backed out” unreasonably in the past, but her last visit last year was full of “we’ll be there at X time” and then shifting to hours later.

I empathize with this. My dad seems to be incapable of making future plans. Last time he came to visit, he gave a vague range of dates and I honestly didn't know when he was going to arrive until HE ARRIVED. Like, he called me from the bus stop (from the airport) and said he was here. I was at school and had to make him wait for hours. After that experience I told him that he MUST give me notice. It's too stressful (and honestly makes me feel unimportant) when he refuses to just choose a few days ahead of time.

He hasn't been here since. He gives me vague promises of future trips, but when I press him for dates, he can't commit. But this same man drove 4 hours one way to see my son play a baseball game. It's maddening. 

[Tap]

Have you considered flying your parents to your home for a visit?  Sorry if I missed that this  wasn't an option. You can have the kids take a couple days off work for a few 'everyone onboard' events/dinners what ever.  But then they can still work and you don't have to board the dog.  It may be easier for everyone, if your parents to fly to you, and takes the stress of having 6 people visit in her home.  

As my mom  got older, the stress of lot people visiting at once was too much for her.  She liked the idea, but the anxiety was too much. She started putting off visits or canceling on me and it took me years to figure out why. It was just the anxiety. My sister will drive 3 hours to have a 'surprise we're here'' visit because she has other family (her in-laws) that she can go see if it doesn't work out. That keeps my mom from canceling on her. I am not willing because my mom  is the only person in town I know.  But....if you are willing to do that, it may be a way to go see her. She will still have to work, but you would have evenings/weekends with her while you are there.  Or just tell her now, we will be there on xxx dates in the spring. She can plan around it, or not. But just let her know that she can see you when she is available and there is no pressure for her either way. You will take what time you can get with her. 

Just because I  think it is a funny story.....my husband was taking a personal trip that had him traveling through my mom's town. DD13 is biologically my great-niece and my mom raised her for the first 5 months of her life. At the time of this story dd was maybe 4yo. A Dh asked my mom if she wanted to have dd visit for the weekend, mom agreed. They hadn't seen each other in 2 years! I told my dh that she would cancel on him, and to make sure he had a back-up plan. He told me to have faith and give her a chance! LOL My mom had a month or more notice and she doesn't work/volunteer or have any commitments. (I had to work, so dh was trying to arrange care for dd). A week before the planned weekend, my mom called and cancelled. Her reason......my other sister had a dream that my uncle died. My mom told me she had to cancel because she was most likely going to have to plan a funeral that weekend, and it would be too much for her to have my dd at the same time.  She honestly, truly believed this! I think it was her anxiety looking for a reason to cancel and she just clung to idea in desperation of getting out of the commitment.  That was the last time I tried to visit or have the kids visit. It was obviously too much for her. When I called to tell my mom that  dd was getting married, the first thing she said was "sorry,  I can't make it". She  had no idea when or where it was! She has finally moved the point of not even trying anymore 😞

[Carrie12345]

13 minutes ago, Tap said:

Have you considered flying your parents to your home for a visit?  Sorry if I missed that this  wasn't an option. You can have the kids take a couple days off work for a few 'everyone onboard' events/dinners what ever.  But then they can still work and you don't have to board the dog.  It may be easier for everyone, if your parents to fly to you, and takes the stress of having 6 people visit in her home.  

Oh, we wouldn’t stay at their house for a visit! Well, not since many of the combined kids have been born. We need 2 hotel rooms. And my own house doesn’t fit our nuclear family well, definitely not guests. 
More space would make more frequent visits more financially manageable. We’re trying to save the money and fix the current house to make that an actual thing. But that takes SAVING money and FIXING the house!!!

Anyway, the point isn’t about not knowing how to make visits happen as much as it’s about being given the information to arrange the visits!

[Carrie12345]

Adding: My parents would never come up here without visiting all the other relatives, too. Which is how we wind up waiting hours later than planned for them to be around. 

[Tap]

12 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Oh, we wouldn’t stay at their house for a visit! Well, not since many of the combined kids have been born. We need 2 hotel rooms. And my own house doesn’t fit our nuclear family well, definitely not guests. 
More space would make more frequent visits more financially manageable. We’re trying to save the money and fix the current house to make that an actual thing. But that takes SAVING money and FIXING the house!!!

Anyway, the point isn’t about not knowing how to make visits happen as much as it’s about being given the information to arrange the visits!

Would it be feasible to put them in a large hotel suite or airbnb so you can visit them at their hotel instead? I know location can greatly affect hotel prices, but renting two rooms in their area may be similar to an airbnb near you. 

[Tap]

20 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Adding: My parents would never come up here without visiting all the other relatives, too. Which is how we wind up waiting hours later than planned for them to be around. 

I totally understand. My mom used to do this to me too. 

[Carrie12345]

9 minutes ago, Tap said:

Would it be feasible to put them in a large hotel suite or airbnb so you can visit them at their hotel instead? I know location can greatly affect hotel prices, but renting two rooms in their area may be similar to an airbnb near you. 

Yes, that’s how they generally visit. Sometimes we get our own suite so we don’t have to drive in and out of town. And then we wait around for them to make their rounds on their unknown schedule. 

[katilac]

 

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I am considering going by myself. None of my kids will like that, and my mom will get all sad, but I can only work with what I’ve got.

Absolutely go by yourself. It doesn't make sense to not go just because not everyone can go! 

I only have two kids, but it still got harder and harder to plan things with all of us as they got older. Once they were both in college, on different schedules, it became impossible. So we do what we can. dd2 and dh went up to meet them for a vacation while dd1 and I stayed home. Another time, dh and I went up to visit dd1 and his parents met us for the day. Recently dh was traveling for work near them so he visited alone. They saw all of us an 'extra' time in between Christmas visits over the span of two years, and dh three times, which wouldn't have happened if we were stuck on a visit with everyone. 

Edited November 9, 2019 by katilac

[Tap]

Just now, Carrie12345 said:

Yes, that’s how they generally visit. Sometimes we get our own suite so we don’t have to drive in and out of town. And then we wait around for them to make their rounds on their unknown schedule. 

Soo frustrating. It is hard when you are used to having a finely tuned schedule. I remember when I had several kids with moving parts and my schedule was planned in 15 minute increments. Meal times, drive time, school, showers, laundry....etc all had their allotted time and any disruption make it feel like it was all going to fall apart for me. If I had a few hours of free time, it was a huge luxury and came at a cost to me (maybe making another day more chaotic because of adding a task to an already busy future day). Having someone else squander that time, was very maddening. 

I can see how much you value time with them and they are sooo close to you right now. You are so sweet to willing to make a schedule change(and deal with the fallout), but you need to know when/where to see if you can make it happen. I'm sorry you mom isn't willing to make a commitment and stick to it, but maybe she  just doesn't know when she will be available and doesn't want to inconvenience you if she can't make the commitment.  😞

[katilac]

One more thought on going alone: if it makes your mom sad, that is first of all not your fault. Second of all, if she does actually have the ability to plan more in advance, maybe that twinge of sadness will prompt her to do so. People can't take days off work without notice, she can understand that. 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Three things we have done here:

1. Use FaceTime to video chat more frequently. One family member already had an iPhone; a different extended family member purchased an iPad. (I downloaded the kindle app for them so they could read on a bigger screen also.) We FaceTime at least weekly. They get a chance to talk and see all of the kids for a few minutes—enough to catch up, but not too exhausting. They really all want to *see* the kids and video chat does that.

2. I just make plans two years in advance....not exact ones, but something like “July 2022” and we can pick the exact week as it becomes closer. It’s kind of a take it or leave it proposition....and I plan a vacation around those dates. I have plenty of little outings planned around that time frame so that if they only want to see me for two hours on a day, we will do that in the am and then go do something else in the afternoon. It’s not the chaos of me + my horde of children descending on them forever.

3. Retirement time seems to be this weird thing where once someone retires they assume that everyone has the same flexibility that they no have. Being able to understand a different perspective seems to be a skill lost with age as well and the combo together is pretty awful. Somehow things like vacation leave from work and kid school schedules are foreign concepts.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

And now it’s like pulling teeth, lol (not really lol.). Got a text saying they were here (out by the other relatives) and asking what our plans were for Sunday and Monday. By the way, she and her sisters are having early birthday cake with Grandma tomorrow.  I gave her our schedule and her response was “Any ideas?” Asked what time she was seeing Grandma and she said she’d have to find out.  Sigh.

So I guess I’ll be out there most of the day tomorrow and just see what unfolds. If I ever find out where/when to meet her! It’s taken 2 hours to get this far.

I’ve instructed my daughters to remind me of all of this if I get this frustrating some day.

[fairfarmhand]

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

And now it’s like pulling teeth, lol (not really lol.). Got a text saying they were here (out by the other relatives) and asking what our plans were for Sunday and Monday. By the way, she and her sisters are having early birthday cake with Grandma tomorrow.  I gave her our schedule and her response was “Any ideas?” Asked what time she was seeing Grandma and she said she’d have to find out.  Sigh.

So I guess I’ll be out there most of the day tomorrow and just see what unfolds. If I ever find out where/when to meet her! It’s taken 2 hours to get this far.

I’ve instructed my daughters to remind me of all of this if I get this frustrating some day.

I’m writing myself a letter.

i really do not want to be this way as I age.

[school17777]

Did you get to see them today?

[Ellie]

On 11/9/2019 at 8:30 AM, Carrie12345 said:

I am considering going by myself. None of my kids will like that, and my mom will get all sad, but I can only work with what I’ve got.

There comes a time when you have to do what you can do, and that might mean going with the dc. They need to be mature enough to understand what it takes to get all of you there and that as they become adults, it will no longer be an all-family-member-trip to see the grandparents; it will be on them to get themselves there, or each one going alone to visit, or some variation thereof.

Go by yourself. As soon as you can.

[Carrie12345]

4 hours ago, school17777 said:

Did you get to see them today?

I did go out there!
I wound up complicating it more, myself.  Both of my dds wound up getting late calls to not go into work. I gave my mom the option to keep our plans for lunch (in my grandmother’s care facility) or I could bring all the kids out later. She said she’d like to stick with our plan, which was fine because I did need to see Grandma.  But then she was shocked when I showed up without the girls.

It wasn’t a very personal visit, with both aunts and both uncles also visiting and everyone trying to help Grandma, but I was able to see them and hug them. And be told I need to go down for a visit.

Now I’m in figure-this-out mode. Weather will be a risk issue for us until at least late March. I have to look at the college schedule that goes to May, and what day dd’s graduation will be confirmed for. If I’m making the trip and spending the money, I also want to make sure my nieces don’t have school every single day, so June is a safe bet. That happens to be when I’d like to list the house, but I’m probably being overly optimistic there, anyway.

It’d all be a whole lot easier if I were able to drive 12 hours myself.  Sadly, two hours each way did me in yesterday. But I did lay eyes on my parents!

[Doodlebug]

((((Carrie))))

I have a very similar situation with my parents.  

I get the "disappointed" comments, which I take too easily to heart.  However, my mom recently scheduled a trip to see us over Labor Day and then canceled it.  It was one of those circumstances where her schedule and responsibilities were totally clear.  I cleared my schedule and activities.  However, a potential weather threat (which never hit them) scared her and she canceled.  I told her it disappointed me.  Evidently, she takes it to heart, too, because I'm still hearing about it.  LOL!

Anyway, I just wanted to commiserate.  I need to be less angsty about what I assume to be my parents expectations.  However, I also need to let their decisions be their decisions without feeling like I have to turn myself inside out to make an alternative happen.  I hope the same for you! 

Doodle