Another wwyd...

[sweet2ndchance]

So I don't usually like to post this kind of stuff myself (don't care that others do, I'm just usually more private and reserved) but we still aren't able to get me back into therapy and this is really bothering me. So rather than explode on people who might not deserve it, I'll see what the hive thinks.

So we live right next door to dh's grandma. She is the same age as my parents, baby boomers just to give some perspective on where she is coming from and how old she is. Our son loves to go play at Grandma's house (his great grandma) and she loves having him there so it works out great 99% of time. Ds and Grandma both have outgoing personalities and dh and I are both introverts so ds gets to go all over town talking to everyone with Grandma and just be the extrovert he is and she gets to show off her great grandson. Everyone is happy.

Monday night, Grandma and DS went to a neighbor's BBQ and pool party. Dh and I were invited too but said if Grandma wanted to take ds that was fine, have fun! We have some medical stuff coming up this week and we just don't feel up to being social right now more so than usual. These neighbors live across the ravine from us and just moved here. They are really nice and ds absolutely loves spending time with them. They have a huge in-ground pool which isn't a common thing in this area, what six year old wouldn't love going over to their house? Ds has declared "Neighbor" is his favorite person. Dh and I both think it's cute.

Apparently, ds told Grandma Monday night that he was excited because they were going to Neighbor's house because neighbor is his favorite person. She then told him not to say things like that because it might hurt people's feelings. So ds asked her who's feelings he would hurt and she told him he would hurt his dad's feelings so he shouldn't say that Neighbor is his favorite person.

We learned of this when ds came home and the first question he asked was "Dad, does it hurt your feelings that Neighbor is my favorite person?"

Um, first of all, why would it hurt anyone's feelings for ds to say who his favorite person is? I honestly do not understand that at all. Second, we are his parents. We have a responsibility to raise him in a way that will help him be the best person he can be as an adult. That means that sometimes we have to discipline him, sometimes we have to make him do things he'd rather not do, like take a bath when he's rather watch TV and eat vegetables when he'd rather have ice cream and sometimes we have to be "mean" and make him go to bed and get plenty of rest. It is quite easy to see why we aren't always his favorite people lol! I would never expect to always be his favorite person and it certainly does not hurt my feelings that the Neighbor who lets him go swimming and eat ice cream every time he comes over is his favorite person. It is no different to me than when elementary school kids explore the concept of "best friends". Dh feels the exact same way!

I was ready to march over there Monday night and yell tell Grandma that ds's favorite person is his choice. Period. We don't ever want him to think that his likes and dislikes should ever be dictated by the feelings of others. That just feels so manipulative and wrong to me, to tell a child that they shouldn't say that someone is their favorite person because it might hurt someone else's feelings. It just makes me feel sick inside but I grew up with very manipulative parents that I had to cut off as an adult because of how toxic they are (part of the reason I'm suppose to be in therapy). Dh did have a conversation with Grandma yesterday and she did relay to him (he didn't ask her about the incident) that she told ds that calling the Neighbor his favorite person wasn't nice. Dh just redirected the conversation because he wants to talk to her about it but after this medical stuff is over with this week and we aren't so amped up emotionally.

Ds will be spending Thursday and part of Friday with Grandma while we are out of town getting this medical stuff taken care of. Should we just reassure ds that his favorite person is who ever he wants to be his favorite person or do we tell Grandma before we leave that she overstepped in our opinion? Or do we wait until this medical stuff is done because it obviously didn't bother ds a bit to ask us about it point blank? Am I out of line that it bothers me so much that she told him to not say Neighbor is his favorite person because it would hurt his Dad's feelings?

If she had told him to stop saying Neighbor was his favorite person because he had already said it 850 times in the last hour, I would completely get it. Ds does have a tendency to get stuck in broken record mode sometimes. But that's not what she said. It's the idea that he should worry about what other's think of his likes and dislikes that just rubs me completely wrong.

Not a JAWM but please be somewhat gentle. We are going through a lot right now outside of this incident that I really don't want to get into on a public forum. Thanks.

[QueenCat]

Honestly, I think that with all that you are dealing with, you're stressed and overreacting. Which is normal! I don't think grandma did anything wrong. She said what seemed appropriate in the moment. Do I think it was the ideal answer? No, but I also don't think it's a big deal. Saying something to her would probably be making a mountain out of a molehill. 

[hippiemamato3]

Maybe it actually hurt HER feelings and she didn't want to say that? Sometimes people are weird. My mother gets offended by things like that and I don't understand it. So it's entirely possible she was deflecting her own feelings onto your DH. I hope that whatever is going on medically for your family gets better soon. I'm sorry you're so stressed. 

[fairfarmhand]

Really, I don’t think I would even worry about it. I don’t think granny was out of line. I think she was trying to help your son see things from other points of view and how words can hurt others unintentionally. In the context of what looks like a healthy relationship overall, this is just a blip. All I’d say is “granny was trying to help you see how your words might come across to others, but it’s no big deal. Dad and I don’t care if neighbor is a favorite person. You have your favorites and we’re ok with that.” I wouldn’t even say a word to granny since it doesn’t sound like she has a habit of laying guilt trips and manipulating your son.

Another way of looking at what point she was trying to make: I tell my kids to beware of the “best friend” title. Because there’s lots of ways to be a good friend, but being a good friend who goes shopping with you doesn’t mean that one can’t have a  different good friend who likes to go horseback riding. Saying best friend about my horseback riding friend might hurt my shopping  friend. Am I being controlling by mentioning this to my kids? I don’t think so. I’m just broadening their view point and helping them see how others might perceive their words.

your son is a little young to get the nuances of this, but I think granny meant well.

[EmseB]

To me, honestly, it doesn't sound like a huge deal. I would just reiterate to DS that it doesn't bother his dad if he has a different favorite person, but some people don't like to have favorites or talk about them because they are afraid of making others feel bad if they aren't the favorite.

[Junie]

8 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

Maybe it actually hurt HER feelings and she didn't want to say that? Sometimes people are weird. My mother gets offended by things like that and I don't understand it. So it's entirely possible she was deflecting her own feelings onto your DH. I hope that whatever is going on medically for your family gets better soon. I'm sorry you're so stressed. 

This is exactly what I was thinking.

I would just let it go.

[ktgrok]

I think you are filtering this through your experience with manipulative people. Grandma was right, it CAN hurt someone's feelings to hear that kind of thing. Now, of course it won't hurt your husband, but it might have hurt Grandma's feelings, honestly, and she was trying to communicate that. I mean, she does all this stuff with him and the guy with a pool is his favorite? Or she was just communicating the very normal social expectation that we don't say things like that in front of other people. Like, if he told his friend Sally that his friend Bob is his favorite friend. That WOULD hurt a kid's feelings, and it is not polite. 

Basically, Grandma was right, at least as a general rule. Now, in this particular case it was advice proabably not needed, but it's not BAD advice. 

[sweet2ndchance]

13 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I wouldn’t even say a word to granny since it doesn’t sound like she has a habit of laying guilt trips and manipulating your son.

You're right. Putting it that way does help me see that this is more my hang up because my parents were in the habit of guilt trips and manipulating us kids. I think this might have just hit a little to close to my issues that I don't ever want my kids to understand or experience.

She does have some very old fashioned ideas of how to raise kids but I don't think she would ever intentionally do something to hurt ds in any way. Hence the reason we let him spend so much time with her in the first place versus other relatives.

 

15 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

Maybe it actually hurt HER feelings and she didn't want to say that?

That's possible. I guess I forget sometimes that normal mentally well people project sometimes too, not just the narcissists I've had to deal with in my life.

 

I've definitely calmed down a lot since Monday but it was one of those things that I can't do anything about the other things going on in my life right now but this is something I can definitely do something about... but I do know that's not always the right answer. And I do know that my past often wildly skews my perspectives. Thanks for being my "therapists" until insurance can get their act together and start paying for my therapy again. :-)

[almondbutterandjelly]

You are definitely over-reacting.  ((hugs)) Let it go.

[Garga]

My dad has had cancer this year.  Every now and then I get a frantic call from my mother about an issue that’s bothering her and the issues are not super big deals in and of themselves.  

What I’ve discovered is that whenever something is scary medically with my dad (a big test is performed and they’re waiting for results...a new side effect from the radiation has cropped up), she focuses on something that isn’t the big issue as a way to deflect the overwhelming fear she has over the medical issue.  And then she calls me upset about a little issue.  But it’s not really the little issue that’s bothering her, deep down.

And once the medical issue is resolved (the test results are good...the side effect is handled), the other issue immediately isn’t a big issue anymore and she is able to let it go, as if it never bothered her in the first place.

I kinda think that’s going on here a little bit: your looming medical issues are stirring up anxieties (for lack of a better word) over every.little.thing and it’s coupled with the manipulative people you’ve dealt with in the past and both those things together (frayed nerves + bad past experiences with manipulative people) are making you see this as something it isn’t.

Grandma did not say anything inappropriate.  She is right that if you go around saying, “So and so is my FAVorite person!” you do absolutely run the risk of making other people feel bad.  Heck, as an adult, I’ve had other adults say this to me when I thought I was their favorite and it hurts.  It’s just not mannerly to tell others that you like someone better than them.  

The tricky part was when your son asked Grandma “Who would be upset?”and she was put on the spot trying to think of someone your son would understand could be hurt by it:  “Well...um...I guess...maybe your dad would be upset!”  Probably in your son’s life there is no one who would be upset right now, but in the future there probably will be someone that would be upset to be told, “Someone else is my favorite.”  This would hurt his friends to hear. She was trying to pass on the social mores of our culture, only probably a little bit before he could understand them.  

 

I wouldn't say a thing about it to her.  But I would assure your son that it’s ok if he has a favorite.   

[sweet2ndchance]

2 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I mean, she does all this stuff with him and the guy with a pool is his favorite?

All my social shortcomings because of my past and mental health diagnoses and I can perfectly understand why the guy with the pool is his favorite lol! It's hard for me to understand why other people would not. But social cues and what not are just plain hard for me, period. It's probably a big part of why I'm so introverted lol.

6 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Or she was just communicating the very normal social expectation that we don't say things like that in front of other people. Like, if he told his friend Sally that his friend Bob is his favorite friend. That WOULD hurt a kid's feelings, and it is not polite. 

And see, this I struggle to understand, lol. I know the rule is that it is not polite but why would Sally's feelings be hurt? That doesn't make sense to me. So Bob is his favorite friend, that doesn't mean Sally isn't his friend too. I know that social rules say that it's not polite to say things like that but since it wouldn't hurt my feelings I don't understand why it would hurt Sally's feelings if he wasn't saying that he won't play with her because Bob is his favorite. And it is things like this that make people ask me if I'm on the spectrum.

And the answer is yes, it is very likely that I have Asperger's but I was never diagnosed as a child. Ds has quite a few Aspie-like quirks as well. Which might be why he seemed baffled by Grandma's statement too when he told us about it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Even if I struggle to understand some things, I do know that you are right and it is an accepted social norm and part of my hang up might just be that I was chided as a child for saying similar things, much more harshly than Grandma did,  and I want to protect him from what I experienced as a child.

[sweet2ndchance]

5 minutes ago, Garga said:

What I’ve discovered is that whenever something is scary medically with my dad (a big test is performed and they’re waiting for results...a new side effect from the radiation has cropped up), she focuses on something that isn’t the big issue as a way to deflect the overwhelming fear she has over the medical issue.  And then she calls me upset about a little issue.  But it’s not really the little issue that’s bothering her, deep down.

Guilty as charged. :-S There is a ton bothering me. More than Grandma's comment. More than the medical stuff. More than I feel comfortable discussing with most people. A lot on my plate right now is an understatement. Thanks for reminding me to not take it all out on Grandma. :-)

[vonfirmath]

8 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

And see, this I struggle to understand, lol. I know the rule is that it is not polite but why would Sally's feelings be hurt? That doesn't make sense to me. So Bob is his favorite friend, that doesn't mean Sally isn't his friend too. I know that social rules say that it's not polite to say things like that but since it wouldn't hurt my feelings I don't understand why it would hurt Sally's feelings if he wasn't saying that he won't play with her because Bob is his favorite. And it is things like this that make people ask me if I'm on the spectrum.

And the answer is yes, it is very likely that I have Asperger's but I was never diagnosed as a child. Ds has quite a few Aspie-like quirks as well. Which might be why he seemed baffled by

 

It hurts to always be the "other friend" and no one's favorite.

Especially when the person saying it IS the person you'd say was your best friend.

 

[ktgrok]

9 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

All my social shortcomings because of my past and mental health diagnoses and I can perfectly understand why the guy with the pool is his favorite lol! It's hard for me to understand why other people would not. But social cues and what not are just plain hard for me, period. It's probably a big part of why I'm so introverted lol.

And see, this I struggle to understand, lol. I know the rule is that it is not polite but why would Sally's feelings be hurt? That doesn't make sense to me. So Bob is his favorite friend, that doesn't mean Sally isn't his friend too. I know that social rules say that it's not polite to say things like that but since it wouldn't hurt my feelings I don't understand why it would hurt Sally's feelings if he wasn't saying that he won't play with her because Bob is his favorite. And it is things like this that make people ask me if I'm on the spectrum.

And the answer is yes, it is very likely that I have Asperger's but I was never diagnosed as a child. Ds has quite a few Aspie-like quirks as well. Which might be why he seemed baffled by Grandma's statement too when he told us about it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Even if I struggle to understand some things, I do know that you are right and it is an accepted social norm and part of my hang up might just be that I was chided as a child for saying similar things, much more harshly than Grandma did,  and I want to protect him from what I experienced as a child.

I'm glad you said this, because I was *this* close to asking if you were on the spectrum 🙂  That really does explain why this felt weird to you. But what Grandma said is actually the norm, and very true. Sally would feel badly because maybe she thought she was his favorite! Or it just plain feels bad to be told that a person doesn't like you as much as they like someone else. 

Also, it sounds like when you violated social norms you were scolded and made to feel badly over it, despite it not being your fault. Grandma is just explaining it to DS, without making it a problem. I'm sorry people were mean to you about things that were just misunderstandings. And I think it is probably good that DS had Grandma in his life to help teach him the little things like this that you can't. And there ware things you can teach him that she can't. 

Hugs. 

[sweet2ndchance]

1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

I agree with others regarding overreaction.

On other thing I wanted to say is that...playing favorites CAN hurt others feelings.  And perhaps grandma was trying to explain that....just not very well.  We have about a billion threads on this board about people who have parents or grandparents that have played favorites.  And it does hurt people.  Perhaps grandma was trying to steer him towards not playing favorites with people?

Interesting point. Hmm... maybe. I can understand how playing favorites with kids or grandkids can hurt. But when it's just a friend situation, I have more trouble understanding why it would hurt someone's feelings. We all have people and friends we would prefer to spend time with over others but you don't get to pick your family so feeling hurt because it feels like one is more loved or less loved by a family member isn't as hard for me to understand. But I guess I can kinda see what Grandma might have been trying to do there. She is the queen of explaining things badly. lol

[RootAnn]

6 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

Especially when the person saying it IS the person you'd say was your best friend.

Yep. This. I'd suspect Grandma was just a tiny bit hurt that she wasn't his favorite person. 

Hugs. I hope things settle down for you @sweet2ndchance

[maize]

Agreeing that this doesn't sound like a big deal.

And gosh, even as an adult it does hurt me to know someone I consider a close friend probably thinks of another person she spends a lot of time with as her best friend. It just does. Even if she doesn't say "X is my best friend". Even though I know being jealous is silly.

Can't seem to help being human 🙂

[sweet2ndchance]

10 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I'm glad you said this, because I was *this* close to asking if you were on the spectrum 🙂  That really does explain why this felt weird to you. But what Grandma said is actually the norm, and very true. Sally would feel badly because maybe she thought she was his favorite! Or it just plain feels bad to be told that a person doesn't like you as much as they like someone else. 

Also, it sounds like when you violated social norms you were scolded and made to feel badly over it, despite it not being your fault. Grandma is just explaining it to DS, without making it a problem. I'm sorry people were mean to you about things that were just misunderstandings. And I think it is probably good that DS had Grandma in his life to help teach him the little things like this that you can't. And there ware things you can teach him that she can't. 

Hugs. 

I have driven dh nuts before trying to understand social things that just don't make sense to me lol. Social things are absolutely mind boggling to me but I can explain calculus or computer coding or some complex science-y thing I read about to you all day long. ;-) But people and how they work are a complete mystery lol. I was also the kid that had to be forced to go play with kids my age. I would rather read a book. Or play with younger kids who aren't as complicated. Or do just about anything else. lol

Thanks for being patient with me. :-)

Edited August 13, 2019 by sweet2ndchance
spelling

[Valley Girl]

Saying this gently...I think you're taking what Grandma said way too much to heart and giving it far more weight than it should have. Of course, your DS can have whomever he wants as his favorite person. But it sounds as though (as others have suggested) Grandma might have been a little hurt and/or that she was trying to give him some well-meant advice to help him grease the social skids. There's nothing in what she said that makes me think she in any way was trying to usurp your parenting. If kids are going to spend lots of time with other relatives, that's a good thing. But you can't expect people to tiptoe around the entire time in case they dare say or do something that doesn't line up 100% with what you want. It's one thing if what's being said or done is harmful. What Grandma did isn't that. It's GOOD when people take the feelings of others into account and err on the side of kindness. (Just look at what's going on in the world to see what happens when we don't.) And there's nothing wrong with kids--or anyone for that matter--learning the value of and the place for the unexpressed opinion.

You sound kind of stressed, honestly, and with medical stuff going on it's no wonder. I hope things work out well for you and that whatever worries you have are unfounded. Let kiddo go play with Grandma. Their relationship sounds precious.

[ktgrok]

13 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

I have driven dh nuts before trying to understand social things that just don't make sense to me lol. Social things are absolutely mind boggling to me but I can explain calculus or computer coding or some complex science-y thing I read about to you all day long. 😉 But people and how they work are a complete mystery lol. I was also the kid that had to be forced to go play with kids my age. I would rather read a book. Or play with younger kids who aren't as complicated. Or do just about anything else. lol

Thanks for being patient with me. 🙂

Of course! My son is on the spectrum, at least one of them. My dad probably is. I'm in that middle ground where I have some traits but can act as a translator most of the time. 

but I totally would rather read than talk to people 🙂

I think maybe a lot of social stuff isn't part of my native language, but I've become very fluent. 

[sweet2ndchance]

4 minutes ago, Valley Girl said:

Let kiddo go play with Grandma. Their relationship sounds precious.

He came in from playing about 30 minutes ago and asked if he could go with Grandma to her nail appointment. So he's probably talking the salon people's ears off by now and will probably be having a Happy Meal for dinner with Grandma. :-)

[fairfarmhand]

36 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

All my social shortcomings because of my past and mental health diagnoses and I can perfectly understand why the guy with the pool is his favorite lol! It's hard for me to understand why other people would not. But social cues and what not are just plain hard for me, period. It's probably a big part of why I'm so introverted lol.

And see, this I struggle to understand, lol. I know the rule is that it is not polite but why would Sally's feelings be hurt? That doesn't make sense to me. So Bob is his favorite friend, that doesn't mean Sally isn't his friend too. I know that social rules say that it's not polite to say things like that but since it wouldn't hurt my feelings I don't understand why it would hurt Sally's feelings if he wasn't saying that he won't play with her because Bob is his favorite. And it is things like this that make people ask me if I'm on the spectrum.

And the answer is yes, it is very likely that I have Asperger's but I was never diagnosed as a child. Ds has quite a few Aspie-like quirks as well. Which might be why he seemed baffled by Grandma's statement too when he told us about it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Even if I struggle to understand some things, I do know that you are right and it is an accepted social norm and part of my hang up might just be that I was chided as a child for saying similar things, much more harshly than Grandma did,  and I want to protect him from what I experienced as a child.

It kind of feels like being rated. Like if you're not the favorite you have fallen short in some way. Especially if this is a revelation. Like it's the first time someone realizes it. But yeah, past baggage can really do a number on our reactions and feelings, epsecially when we are dealing with big huge stressful issues. 

 

We're glad to be therapists, any time. I;ve used this board as therapy many many times.

[sweet2ndchance]

3 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I think maybe a lot of social stuff isn't part of my native language, but I've become very fluent.

I can be taught the rules but I have a habit of either being too black or white with it or I can apply the rules in one situation but not another or I can apply it but that doesn't mean I understand it lol.

[Tanaqui]

29 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

Interesting point. Hmm... maybe. I can understand how playing favorites with kids or grandkids can hurt. But when it's just a friend situation, I have more trouble understanding why it would hurt someone's feelings. We all have people and friends we would prefer to spend time with over others but you don't get to pick your family so feeling hurt because it feels like one is more loved or less loved by a family member isn't as hard for me to understand. But I guess I can kinda see what Grandma might have been trying to do there. She is the queen of explaining things badly. lol

 

Among other things, most people - once they're not children anymore! - don't state who is their a-list friend and who's only on the b-list. So if you say "So-and-so is my favorite person" the person hearing it might feel that you have some hidden message for saying that, like you wanted to emphasize that you really don't like them very much at all. It's not that they're second best, it's that they're scraping the bottom of the friend barrel.

I agree that this is ridiculous.

[Valley Girl]

15 minutes ago, sweet2ndchance said:

He came in from playing about 30 minutes ago and asked if he could go with Grandma to her nail appointment. So he's probably talking the salon people's ears off by now and will probably be having a Happy Meal for dinner with Grandma. 🙂

Awwww. They're a blessing to each other.

[SKL]

I agree with Granny - it can hurt someone's feelings.  It isn't the nicest thing to say, and it's fine for Granny to tell her great grandson that.  Not because there is a risk of hurting his own dad (most kids take their parents for granted, and rightly so); but because he might say it to someone else.

I hope things get less stressful at your house soon.

[sweet2ndchance]

42 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Among other things, most people - once they're not children anymore! - don't state who is their a-list friend and who's only on the b-list. So if you say "So-and-so is my favorite person" the person hearing it might feel that you have some hidden message for saying that, like you wanted to emphasize that you really don't like them very much at all. It's not that they're second best, it's that they're scraping the bottom of the friend barrel.

I agree that this is ridiculous.

But he is a child, that's why it upset me that he was being told he couldn't express who his favorite person was. I guess maybe because when I say things, I don't have a hidden message or agenda that's why I don't get it? If I say something out loud, it is exactly what I meant, no more, no less. I've hurt people's feelings before just expressing an opinion and it's very often because there is some underlying meaning that they took from it but wasn't even on my radar. I suck at deducing other people's hidden meaning which I guess is why this bothered me in the first place.

I have a really hard time extrapolating the bolded from saying so-and-so is my favorite person. Especially when the statement came from a child. But I know I have issues with social cues so I guess I learned something new today.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

But he is a child, that's why it upset me that he was being told he couldn't express who his favorite person was.

 

How do you think children learn if they're not told?

Many children his age, in all innocence, will comment that a certain person is "ugly" or "fat". We know that they don't mean anything bad by it, they're just expressing themselves and talking about what they see, but since we know that adults would never say that without judgment we tell them it's not nice to say those things.

What if, instead of saying "They're my favorite person" he'd said "I don't like you, Grandma". That would just be expressing his feelings, but we'd still tell him that's not very nice to say.

[Ellie]

Sometimes children (well, most often it's girls) in classroom-based schools play favorites; they'll choose one or two people as their favorites and ignore everyone else, or they don't let their non-favorite people play with them, or invite their non-favorite people to parties, all that stuff.. You know, part of the whole Mean Girl Syndrome. It's one of the things that we hsers don't usually have to put up with. So perhaps that was behavior your dh's grandmother was hoping to redirect. 

IOW, it's not something *I* would tell you to make a big deal out of.

[sweet2ndchance]

3 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

How do you think children learn if they're not told?

Many children his age, in all innocence, will comment that a certain person is "ugly" or "fat". We know that they don't mean anything bad by it, they're just expressing themselves and talking about what they see, but since we know that adults would never say that without judgment we tell them it's not nice to say those things.

What if, instead of saying "They're my favorite person" he'd said "I don't like you, Grandma". That would just be expressing his feelings, but we'd still tell him that's not very nice to say.

I could see teaching him about calling someone ugly or fat. Wouldn't bother me. But they are just adjectives just like favorite, I suppose. Hmm... more social stuff to mull over and think about.

He has said, "I don't like you Grandma" or "I don't like you Mom" or "I don't like you Dad". All my kids have said that or something like it at one point or another. We all have responded to him, and my older kids the same way, "That's ok, you are allowed to not like me but I still love you." Heck I've even told my husband and my kids at different points that I don't like them, though I tend to like to be more direct about it and say I don't like how you are acting right now or I don't like the choices you have made right now. But I can't say that I haven't just said I don't like you in the heat of the moment. I can still love someone with all my heart even when I don't like them so it doesn't seem out of line to me to let someone know when you don't like them.

Now, my parents threw a royal hissy fit in grand, adult-size toddler fashion when I said that to them as a child and forced me to take it back and say I loved them. I won't say that doesn't color my perception.

[Katy]

Teaching him to have a filter of compassion instead of sharing everything that pops into his extroverted head is a good thing.  That's a social norm he needs to learn, and she did it in a gentle and appropriate way.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, sweet2ndchance said:

But he is a child, that's why it upset me that he was being told he couldn't express who his favorite person was. I guess maybe because when I say things, I don't have a hidden message or agenda that's why I don't get it? If I say something out loud, it is exactly what I meant, no more, no less. I've hurt people's feelings before just expressing an opinion and it's very often because there is some underlying meaning that they took from it but wasn't even on my radar. I suck at deducing other people's hidden meaning which I guess is why this bothered me in the first place.

I have a really hard time extrapolating the bolded from saying so-and-so is my favorite person. Especially when the statement came from a child. But I know I have issues with social cues so I guess I learned something new today.

It is appropriate to tell children that there are some things they should not express.  Actually, many things, and 6yo is certainly not too early to start.

I often tell my kids that communication is not so much what I said or meant to say, but what the other person heard and understood.

[ktgrok]

Saying, "Greg is my favorite person" to Joe is also saying, by extension, that Joe is not his favorite person. And saying, "Joe, you are not my favorite person" to Joe is rude. Therefore, saying it indirectly, by saying "Greg is my favorite person" is also rude, because it implies "Greg is my favorite person, and you are not." 

This may not bother Joe if he's a causal aquaintance, but what if Joe thought he WAS the favorite? It would be hurtful to hear he isn't. He'd probably wonder why he isn't, what makes Greg so much better, etc etc. 

 

[J-rap]

I think it's fine that grandmother told him that.  I think it's also fine to realize that what your ds said was from a young-child perspective.  That is, he's really not weighing all the pros and cons and making a serious decision.  He's just meaning "right now, this person is really fun."  

I don't think anyone is wrong.  Let it go.

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

One other thing I think lots of fiction reading which goes into though processes can sometimes help these kids learn what people might think and feel in situations they haven’t been through themselves.

[Shellydon]

I think you are WAY overreacting and should drop it.