help me help my mom and dad

[ProudGrandma]

My parents are getting read to move from Michigan to Austin Texas to be closer to my bother and his family.   The housing situation is such that they have to downsize....a lot. 

My parents have always been the type to have a hard time letting go of material things.  I wouldn't classify them as hoarders, but rather just a product of a time where you don't throw things away "because you might need them" or also some sentimental attachment to things.  I am so not that person....I LOVE having room to move and breathe....and if a piece of furniture is not being used...I am usually the first one in my family to remove it...unless I can easily store it someplace...but if I were in their shoes, I wouldn't have any trouble letting those things go.  So I am having a hard time relating to them. 

A couple examples of things my parents have: way too many totes of Christmas decorations that don't get used, but were gifts from people who were important to my parents, boxes of magazines with recipes, articles or other things in them that my mom wants to go through and remove what she wants to keep (but she has been saying that for about 10 years now).  My mom has kept boxes and boxes of cards and Christmas letters they have received over the years.  In my mom's kitchen are several shelves of plastic containers used for left overs, 15-20 various size casserole dishes, enough dishes for feeding way too many people which, if she ever needed to feed that many people again, we could use disposable dishes.  She has 4 pie plates...and she will never use all 4 at the same time...15 coffee mugs (that aren't even the coffee cups she has to go with her dishes), 2 complete sets of eating utensils, 3 sizes of crock-pots...and the list could go on and on.   She has 5 totes of blankets...some were made by special people...others are just nice...too nice to give to Goodwill. (which is something she has told me a lot.)...then there are the cookbooks....at least 40...and she rarely uses the recipes from them...she makes the same foods...all of the time...but many of them are church cookbooks and the people who put the recipes in the book were personal friends of theirs (most of them have passed away). 

My dad is just as bad....he has papers and books that have no relevance to his life now....but can't throw anything away until he can look through it book by book or piece of paper by piece of paper....but his health is such, that he doesn't have energy or motivation to do that....so it just sits.  Some of his things remind him of his life as a Pastor, but there are boxes and filing cabinets full of stuff that he hasn't looked at in years...

So, what I need from you guys is how do I help them let go of some of their things?  How do I help them prioritize? All without making them feel bad or unsettled.  I will be in Michigan in a week and plan to help them...but I just don't know how. 

thanks for your help. 

[prairiewindmomma]

We have had to help a lot of family downsize and have done so ourselves. While my relationship to my belongings is much like yours, we have had family who really struggled with the process.

A few thoughts:

1. Cognitively understanding that you need to downsize is not the same as emotionally being ready to do it.

2. Forcing someone to downsize can cause relationship harm even if they end up surrounded by boxes they can’t unpack. Don’t let this be a hill to die on. They may need more time to process this emotionally.

3. Break down the process into steps. Have priorities. It may be very helpful to discuss and plan this all beforehand.

4. Don’t be surprised when some part of this bogs down and becomes emotionally fraught. Ask questions, “What does this represent to you?” Giving up ugly chipped mugs may represent giving up hosting large groups of friends and family—offering a solution instead (buying paper to go mugs) that signifies that same thing may be an option. Sometimes, though, it’s just grieving that life has changed and a lot of the good times have gone by.

5. Planning for the space you do have can be helpful. I have room to store one box of holiday decorations and my tree. I have chosen to buy beautiful door wreaths instead and to let a lot go.

6. I photographed everything for my family members before the house was taken apart and then things as they were handled. I really love those photos. I made usb copies for everyone.

[PeterPan]

When we moved my dad, the social worker pointed out that moving was the most stressful thing you could do to a senior. My mother (my parents are not married) just moved BACK after moving to Florida, because of the weather, because when she got down there she and her dh realized they missed their lives. Is someone pushing for this move? If your mother isn't ready to make those decisions, maybe it isn't the right decision? 

I'm just being really devil's advocate here. My mother moved and regretted it. I'm sure you have a lot of reasons, but you might think them through.

As far as getting rid of stuff, my mother, when she moved, knew what she was going into and exactly what storage space she would have and what she wouldn't. So I would suggest your mother start there, by thinking about what she needs to furnish her new place, not what she is going to do with the stuff she's not taking. Help her pull out the stuff she really needs in her new place and the stuff she wants that she will have room for after she leaves.

15 minutes ago, kfeusse said:

How do I help them prioritize? All without making them feel bad or unsettled.

I don't know how you avoid it. I think you have to acknowledge that it's stressful and help make it as low stress as possible. I would also make sure they aren't feeling forced. Sometimes discussing it in terms of choice and acknowledging feelings can help. My dad didn't really have a choice when we moved him, but we framed it as choice till he got comfortable with it. He couldn't handle the stress of seeing his things moved, thrown away, etc., so we moved him into his new place and we cleared out everything else when he wasn't there. 

You're probably going to need dumpsters, and that's going to be stressful for them. You could move them and then clean the remains out yourself and assure them you'll handle it well.

Edited July 5, 2019 by PeterPan

[Kebo]

Do you think you could videotape the decluttering process and talk with them on tape about the significance of the items they find precious?  I think sometimes there is a worry that without an object around to look at, the memories associated with it will be lost.  If you could preserve those memories it might be easier to let go of the items, and also provide some family history to pass on that others might cherish. 

[happi duck]

(hugs)

You've gotten a lot of good advice already.  This is such a very, very hard situation.

can you research charities in their area?  Maybe something that raises money for a certain cause would be of more interest than Goodwill.  Does their church have enough people to pull together a rummage sale at the church?

I had a loved one who had to go from a big house to a one bedroom apartment.  Despite my best efforts they ultimately found someone to move all their stuff to a storage unit.  Eventually they started letting stuff go.  At that point if they ever said "do you want this?" we all said yes and donated it somewhere.

if goodwill ends up the only option then perhaps share how many young broke families have been blessed by someone donating nice stuff.  

More ( hugs)

[elegantlion]

How old are your parents? 

My parents were reaching hoarding proportions in their 70s. They talked about moving to downsize, but they didn't want to get rid of things or leave their house, then my dad got sick.  A move would have killed him sooner. After his death, my mom had an auction, threw away a ton of stuff that didn't sell in the dumpster, and we bought a house together. My mom downsized considerably, but still has a lot. 

If finances are an issue, maybe get some estimates for moving. You can be firm and tell them that the onus is on them to pay for and prepare for moving. Do they have housing in Austin? 

My mom hired local movers for some stuff and we did the rest - it almost killed us all, just from the stress and anxiety. 

A family member tried to help by just being rude and telling my mom she needed to just throw it all away. 

In the end, you can support, but you can't make the choices for them on what to keep. 

The only shift in thinking I was able to accomplish with my mother is that donating to a thrift store is good. She also donated some old blankets to an animal rescue center. 

It's a delicate balance, imo. 

 

[Junie]

For some of the items you mentioned that they just have too many:

Keep only the sentimental Christmas ornaments.

Keep only the sentimental cookbooks.

Keep only the sentimental blankets.

[Tanaqui]

For the cookbooks and papers - are your parents willing to accept, say, a computer file with all those things scanned in and the items themselves sold on ebay? (There are people who collect church cookbooks and would love your mom's!)

As for things being "too nice for Goodwill" (which made me roll my eyes, btw - what, poor folks don't deserve nice things?), how about ebay or a yard sale or, if it's really very nice stuff, an antique store? If it's really that nice, she could make some serious cash off of it. (And where does she think all this stuff is going when she moves on anyway? Not that it would help to ask her that one, so don't.)

[Ottakee]

For the blankets, housewares, etc that she doesn't want to go to Goodwill, are there any programs in their area for women starting over after domestic violence, kids aging out of foster care getting their first apartment, etc?  Maybe that would help her get rid of stuff.   Also, some nursing homes would love nice blankets, quilts, etc for residents who don't have families to bring them nice things.  Foster families are often also looking for bedding, furniture, etc.

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

We have had to help a lot of family downsize and have done so ourselves. While my relationship to my belongings is much like yours, we have had family who really struggled with the process.

A few thoughts:

1. Cognitively understanding that you need to downsize is not the same as emotionally being ready to do it.

2. Forcing someone to downsize can cause relationship harm even if they end up surrounded by boxes they can’t unpack. Don’t let this be a hill to die on. They may need more time to process this emotionally.

3. Break down the process into steps. Have priorities. It may be very helpful to discuss and plan this all beforehand.

4. Don’t be surprised when some part of this bogs down and becomes emotionally fraught. Ask questions, “What does this represent to you?” Giving up ugly chipped mugs may represent giving up hosting large groups of friends and family—offering a solution instead (buying paper to go mugs) that signifies that same thing may be an option. Sometimes, though, it’s just grieving that life has changed and a lot of the good times have gone by.

5. Planning for the space you do have can be helpful. I have room to store one box of holiday decorations and my tree. I have chosen to buy beautiful door wreaths instead and to let a lot go.

6. I photographed everything for my family members before the house was taken apart and then things as they were handled. I really love those photos. I made usb copies for everyone.

 

The emotional part is so true. For some people, it's not just stuff you are looking at, it is simply their life. And the older many people get, the more important it is for them to hang on to those parts. I am more like OP in that something goes when it has outlived its purpose. I like the suggestions above and mostly be prepared that they may have to see too many boxes in the new house before it becomes real to them. 

Having recently moved and lived for almost a month without any problems with half the boxes unpacked in the garage (we were unpacking slowly on weekends) I myself realized how much stuff I have that is evidently totally unnecessary. And this is after I got rid of tons of books and dishes.   😌

[Liz CA]

18 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

For the blankets, housewares, etc that she doesn't want to go to Goodwill, are there any programs in their area for women starting over after domestic violence, kids aging out of foster care getting their first apartment, etc?  Maybe that would help her get rid of stuff.   Also, some nursing homes would love nice blankets, quilts, etc for residents who don't have families to bring them nice things.  Foster families are often also looking for bedding, furniture, etc.

 

Great ideas! Some homeless shelters take blankets as well.

[ProudGrandma]

1 minute ago, Liz CA said:

 

The emotional part is so true. For some people, it's not just stuff you are looking at, it is simply their life. 

this is really the situation....so many things represent their lives.  My mom even has a hard time letting go of MY things...that I have told her I no longer needed or wanted...I ended up taking those things and trashing them myself.

thanks for the ideas....really appreciate it. 

 

[City Mouse]

You can’t... at least no right away.

I have been through this twice with two different relatives. Let them box it all up and put everything that they don’t need right away in a storage facility. If you are lucky, they will gradually realize that there are things that they can get rid of. If you push they to get rid of stuff when they are not really ready, you will never hear the end if it (or you will never hear directly from them, but every other relative will find out)

 

[maize]

Photos can be really helpful in letting go of an item. For me at least it is mostly the memories I don't want to lose, and photos preserve memory without taking up the space that a physical object does.

[Pen]

12 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

You can’t... at least no right away.

I have been through this twice with two different relatives. Let them box it all up and put everything that they don’t need right away in a storage facility. If you are lucky, they will gradually realize that there are things that they can get rid of. If you push they to get rid of stuff when they are not really ready, you will never hear the end if it (or you will never hear directly from them, but every other relative will find out)

 

 

I think this is basically true.  

 

However, in advance of your visit I think you could give them (tell them) some of the ideas in this thread of others you have thought of and let them think about how they want to do it.

 

3 hours ago, Kebo said:

Do you think you could videotape the decluttering process and talk with them on tape about the significance of the items they find precious?  I think sometimes there is a worry that without an object around to look at, the memories associated with it will be lost.  If you could preserve those memories it might be easier to let go of the items, and also provide some family history to pass on that others might cherish. 

 

I think this is a particularly wonderful idea!

I think a video of them talking about the objects and memories could turn into an amazing treasure for them — and with some editing to get to special highlights, funny , sad, words of wisdom, perhaps some copies made for future generations in the family to have access.  

Even the bittersweet process of deciding what to let go of and what to do with it could become a treasure.  

[littlebug42]

My daughter has a very hard time letting go of some things and is completely opposed to just donating her things to a thrift store.  However, if I can come up with a charity or something with more of a specific purpose, she is better about it.  For instance, she feels better about donating things to the homeless shelter and currently survivors of a devastating tornado in our area.  Then, she feels that she knows more of where her things are going and can feel better about their new purpose.  Just a suggestion.  I have a MIL and DH very much like this so I feel your pain.  It even has me second guessing what to get rid of nowadays.  

[Pen]

I wonder if in advance of you getting there to physically help, whether the situation could be discussed over phone and decision making could get started. Maybe they could start in on some system of notes of what they particularly want to move to have in new place.

[mlktwins]

I just went through this with my dad (my mom passed in 2001).  He needed to move for his safety though and was against it because of his "stuff."  I got him moved with what he needed//wanted, then my DH and I had to deal with the rest ourselves.  50+ years worth of stuff.  We just closed on his house June 24th!  Huge burden lifted off of me and DH!!!  Like a PP said, this almost killed me!  The stress, physical, and emotional toll - will take me (us) awhile to heal and recover from that.  

I am off to a swim meet in a few minutes, but will come back and offer any advice I can from our experience.  I think it is different for everyone though.  I can say that this was the hardest year of my life, and that includes the year I had to bury my mom 😞 !!  My dad is so much happier now and does not miss his "stuff" at all.  I think he actually felt very burdened by it and didn't know how to get started with dealing with it.  

 

 

[Scarlett]

I am really short on time and haven’t read the other replies, but I wanted to add that moving is torture at that age.  I moved my parents 2 years ago and it had . Been. Brutal.  And I am not even talking about the stuff.  They brought EVERYTHING, and even bought a bigger house but it was still hard.  People here warned me how hard it would be and I doubted them but they were right.  So focus on keeping your relationship healthy and happy and let them take whatever they want.  

I do love the idea of suggesting taking pics of special things they really don’t need to keep.  And ask them how you can help them downsize....but don’t worry about the stuff too much.  

[Ottakee]

Do your parents WANT to move?  It can be hard at older ages to create new social circles.

The stuff thing is soooo hard.  I did it with MIL and am doing it on a smaller scale with my DD that is getting married.

[umsami]

I just finished a 12 week decluttering course which was really helpful.  One nice thing is that you can repeat the course as much as you want, once you've paid for it.  You get weekly emails, webinars, etc.

https://my.becomingminimalist.com/

 

Usually if you Google, you can find a coupon code too.  

[LLucy]

I know a lot will have to be donated, and some really important stuff can be redistributed to family members, but for the in-between stuff that is too precious for donation: it can be given to friends as remembrances. They can try to have a gift for every friend to remember them by. This helped my mother I think, because they are parting not just with things, and home, but also with a community.

The video idea is genius.  My brother put all of my dad's slides on a flash drive and my mother has all those memories at her fingertips now.  Your parent's memories will be much more accessible, not packed away in boxes.

--LL

[theelfqueen]

If possible I'd consider getting a storage unit. It's their stuff, if they want to keep it, they should be able to. And then when Christmas comes, ask if they want to get Christmas decor out of storage. If after a while they decide they dont really need the stuff that has been in storage it will be easier to part with.  

Buy them an instax camera so they can take quick pics of sentimental items and write down their history.  (Or try something like the Project Life app on a phone if they're phone savvy) then either keep or dispose of items but with the memory and story preserved. 

[happi duck]

My loved one put stuff in storage and eventually got sick of the cost and began giving things away.

They were in an apartment so outdoor stuff was the first to go, lawn mower, hoses, pots etc.  Eventually they found some specialty equipment that was crumbling to dust and that helped to "speed" things up a little because it showed them that stuff was losing value.

perhaps you could brainstorm categories that might be easier to start with or think of something crumbling to show them.

when my loved one died I had to distribute the items in their will.  Some were ruined by improper storage.  I wish they would've had the joy to give those things as a gift when they were living and the items weren't ruined.

Like mentioned above, encouraging gift giving could help.

[Laura Corin]

Can your brother store some things for now? When I moved my mother, I put some things in boxes for her to sort out 'when she had the energy' then I didn't mention them for a year. When I did bring them up, she said that she didn't really want them any more. It was as if all the stuff was actually a burden, even if she couldn't admit it. I sorted out the things with emotional significance and binned or donated the rest.