I just had a Christmas Eve meltdown

[marbel]

A few days ago, I had reminded my family to clean up the 2 "public" areas of the house:  living room (where the tree is), and family room (where the tv is). I say 'reminded' because I live with slobs and keeping those rooms neat is an ongoing conversation.  They are small rooms. One child in particular has a lot of clutter in one room; my husband has a lot in the other.  We are not having company, and I have a high tolerance for clutter, but things have gotten out of hand and I'd been asking for a while.

I noticed the one individual had moved a pile of stuff from one of the rooms to the other. I got mad. We had some words.

My husband told me (kindly, and away from the kids) that I had started the conversation at too high a level of anger. That  made me madder. Uh, no, this particular pile of stuff has a long history; I've been asking the owner to disposition it for months.  I am not exaggerating.

So then I started crying. And told him that I am really exhausted with living in a mess; that my expectation for some neatness in some rooms are not unreasonable (I don't police kids' room or my husband's office, and he also has plenty of mess in our bedroom), and I feel like when I ask people to put something away when they say "OK" they are really saying "**** you" because they have no intention of doing it.  I added that I am tired of the excuse that they live here and they are happy with it because I live here too but my desires are irrelevant.

Ugh I feel lousy but also better. The air seems clear and everyone is getting ready to have a relaxing Christmas Eve with all the appetizer foods.  Oh, guess who shopped for and prepared all the foods?

 

Edited December 24, 2018 by marbel

[Annie G]

I feel ya.  EVeryone in this house is an adult and it’s like they enjoy the challenge of seeing how long they can ‘forget to see’ things that need to be done until I nag them. As if I like nagging. 

I extend this frustration well beyond messy public areas- add in the cat’s litter box, washing dishes, decorating the tree, wrapping gifts, planning ANYTHING, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom...

I was out of state for a week and when I came home there was a container of car wax and a microfiber towel in our bathroom. Dh waxed the shower tile but neglected to clean the toilet, floor, mirror, sink...which I intentionally hadn’t done before I left. He felt the shower HAD to be waxed but the toilet? Nah, let’s leave that dirty.  

[Carol in Cal.]

OK, now I am picturing those old fashioned households where they would decorate for Christmas and then Close. The. Door. and not let anyone in for like 2 weeks.

And it is sounding strangely appealing.  

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[frogger]

I'm sorry Marbel. I think you have a lot going on and it's time for others to step up. I hope your DH will take this as a cue for him to handle the kid's mess. You are more thoughtful than me. I'd probably just throw it all in a unmarked box and set it out of sight like a basement or storage area but honestly with everything you are doing you shouldn't have to handle that either. ((Hugs))

[Liz CA]

Awww Marbel. I think you did the right thing and let everyone know where the line is. My dh and ds (who is just visiting) are a lot more lax about cleaning up clutter than I am. I do feel I walk behind them picking up whatever they left in their wake. I am trying to focus on just "being" in the Christmas spirit and while requiring a certain amount of straightening up, not going overboard on it. It sounds like you had a legitimate reason to put your foot down. 

I am looking forward to not standing in the kitchen anymore after tonight.  🙂  I still have one more dish to get ready to bring to relatives tomorrow.

Do you have a basement into which you could roll all those items that were not picked up? They would still be in the house just not in the living room anymore?  🙂

[Miss Tick]

I totally get the "OK, I'll do that" but then they don't. When I recognize this, i point it that it feels like a lie. So now we are staying a step further behind. I like the basement idea. Or clean everything into stackable banker's boxes and stack them in their rooms.

[Robin M]

Hugs Marbel. Know exactly how you feel and sometimes meltdowns make member of our family see things in a different light.  Maybe after Christmas, you can set some boundaries and things have to be picked up in the common areas at the end of the evening. Which is what I do with my guys.  I discovered with my two guys that I have to be specific. Neither one has any concept of time so their get around to it time is a lot different than mine.  When I want something done, I have to say 'please do this now.' if I want it taken care of right away.  Both hubby and kiddo keep the doors to their office and bedroom closed, so as long as I don't have to look at it, it's okay. Except they do need to shovel out the trash at least once a week.     I'm much more lenient than my parents when growing up.  If we didn't put it away, we lost it for a while. Merry Christmas, doll!

Edited December 24, 2018 by Robin M

[marbel]

Some of the mess is inevitable - it's not like Legos that can get cleaned up every day. 

When the art student is preparing for portfolio review, there is art stuff. When my husband is fixing floor joists, there is that kind of stuff. When my son is working on a model, there is modeling stuff.  And I am tolerant of that.

But the semester is over, portfolio reviews are done, there is no homework, floor joists are fixed and no new project has started yet, the most recent model is completed... get your crap out of the living room.

We simply have too small a house.  Next fall both kids should be away at school, God willing.  And then maybe they will move into adult lives. So it's short term. But in the meantime... yeah, I live here too.  Respect the shared space!

[Arcadia]

Sometimes it doesn’t sink in to spouse and kids unless I blow my top like a dormant volcano. Then all of them declutter wonderfully 😛

Our unused dining room is for everyone’s clutter. I think my husband and kids think that I am just annoyed and didn’t realized it makes me highly irritable if clutter is outside the dining room. Now I just tell them their clutter is going to the trash chute (condo) and they would get their butts moving to clean up and put their clutter into the dining room or trash bag. 

I have too small a condo, I use that as a valid reason to reduce clutter and minimize hoarding. One of my aunts have a big house and it’s like a fire hazard with the clutter that my adult cousins (the selfish ones) left there because they treat their mom’s home like free storage space. 

[shawthorne44]

Sometimes you just have blow up to be heard.   And then their attitude is "Why didn't you say something?"    

DH and I just had a similar discussion.   Early summer we got IKEA kitchen cabinets.  Facing the living room is 12" deep cabinets with drawers that are 3-4" high.   One cabinet is Homeschool, One cabinet is art stuff.   One cabinet is Junk Drawer stuff.  Light bulbs, batteries, etc.  One drawer I labeled "Dad crap".   Our kitchen has actual labels on painters tape.   So when I saw his home-maintenance stuff lying around I put it in there.   Keeps my angst down.  But, that drawer AND another were full of his crap.   He tried to give me grief for putting all the dad crap in a box in the garage.   

[Pen]

Hugs.

 

I asked Santa for help with declutter and cleaning for Christmas.  I don’t know if I’ll get it or not.  But I thought I would make it clear that is my top gift desire.

[MEmama]

For us it took getting a kitty to get DS to clear all his schoolwork clutter off the dining room table. I've been alternating between biting my tongue and making threats for the past year and a half over the fact that I couldn't even SEE the surface of the dining room table for all his mess (even in the summer!)...but allowing kitty on the table took care of the problem quickly. :)

I'm sorry it's been so stressful for you. I actually do not have a high tolerance for clutter anymore, so when it gets bad, it's *really* bad for me. It's hard when others don't see what we see. :(

[Liz CA]

7 minutes ago, Pen said:

Hugs.

 

I asked Santa for help with declutter and cleaning for Christmas.  I don’t know if I’ll get it or not.  But I thought I would make it clear that is my top gift desire.

 

If they don't deliver on that one, ask for someone to come in and do the cleaning up!

[Pink and Green Mom]

Allow me to tell you what happened at my house on Christmas Morning in 1986 (I was 16).  My parents had reminded me for the millionth time that it was time to clean my room and get rid of clutter and I was told it had to be done before Christmas.  So on Christmas Eve, I took my clutter and shoved it under the bed.  So after opening presents Christmas morning, I get in the shower.  I come out and notice my bedroom window is wide open.  Everything that had been shoved under my bed was now out in the back yard.  I go downstairs and there are my parents, calmly sipping their coffee and reading the paper as if nothing had happened.

[City Mouse]

I absolutely understand your need to have some clear space. I can tolerate a good bit of mess, but when I am stressed due to work or school then then the mess makes it worse. 

 

I cant even post any more comments than that as just thinking about it makes me start to get angry, but when things get really bad, I go sit on in my half of the bedroom and imagine myself living in a tiny house or in a small camp trailer full time. Some days I really want my own space that no one else ever enters.

Edited December 25, 2018 by City Mouse

[J-rap]

I just wanted to say that I used to live with slobs (my kids  :)),  but most of them have become neat-freaks as they've transitioned into adulthood.  So hang tight!

[shawthorne44]

13 hours ago, Pink and Green Mom said:

Allow me to tell you what happened at my house on Christmas Morning in 1986 (I was 16).  My parents had reminded me for the millionth time that it was time to clean my room and get rid of clutter and I was told it had to be done before Christmas.  So on Christmas Eve, I took my clutter and shoved it under the bed.  So after opening presents Christmas morning, I get in the shower.  I come out and notice my bedroom window is wide open.  Everything that had been shoved under my bed was now out in the back yard.  I go downstairs and there are my parents, calmly sipping their coffee and reading the paper as if nothing had happened.

That was nice of them to leave the window open and alert you.   It could have been worse.  

[Carrie12345]

I'm so sorry it came to a head on Christmas Eve!

You're not alone. Being neat and tidy is a struggle for me, but I NEED neat and tidy in order to function well. My family does not understand this. They do not see what the big deal is. They don't even see the mess. And, when I point the mess out directly, they tend to react as if I'm a crazy person -- like only a crazy person would notice that the garbage can is literally overflowing, or that there are towels all over the bathroom floor, or whatever.

I need my family to shape up.  As unfair as it might be, I'm trying to accept that this is MY need. Not theirs.  They're as happy as pigs in you-know-what. Having to clean up makes them as unhappy as I am with their messes.  While I firmly believe they're the nuts, I'm not going to "win" by making them the unhappy ones.

My goal for 2019 is new cleaning and organizing habits FOR ME. But I'm also thinking about ways to make it easier for them (especially the younger ones) to clean up after themselves.  There's a shelf under our ottoman that is perfect for storing in-progress Legos. Hangers frustrate them, so I need to get coat hooks. I don't have a designated place for any of the kids to put school work for me to review, so it gets tossed all over my desk. I can give them a designated spot. I can also be better about reviewing it in a timely manner and giving it back or filing it!  And about a billion other things.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want the answer to be making things easier for them!  But, if that is the answer to getting the thing that I want, that I'm the only person in the house who wants it, then that's what I'll do. The alternative is to keep looking at them like they're horribly selfish monsters... and for them to see me the same way. (Which will probably still happen some days, but hopefully not enough for me to keep having meltdowns.)

 

[vmsurbat1]

On 12/24/2018 at 8:10 PM, OKBud said:

 

I have a really high untidyness tolerance too. So my feeling is that if *I* am saying something, you really need to freaking clean it up! 

This is my life! I finally had to spell it out very clearly:  

"Just because I'm willing to go along with XYZ so much of the time, doesn't mean that when I actually state my preference/need/desire, that it is now 50/50.  No, WHEN I particularly make a request or preference known, it pretty much has to be 100% that way (unless I'm missing something which may be nicely pointed out to me.).   Because that actually brings us (family dynamics) up to 80% their way, 20% my way (or whatever--I'm really not counting it out.)    

I truly am pretty easy going, but when I'm not, I'M NOT. 😉 37 years into marriage, and the family now gets it!  

Edited December 25, 2018 by vmsurbat1

[Ausmumof3]

Yep.  I hear you.  I feel like I’m pretty tolerant compared to how I hear so many mums yet somehow when I start complaining it’s like I’m expecting totally unreasonable and impossible things.  

Are they still at the age that you can do a full family blitz in the room?  Mine seem to need specific directions broken down to.  Please pick up your shoes and place them in your bedroom cupboard then walk back to me and ask what’s next.  Please pick up your pencil case and put it in the schoolroom.  Actually that needs to change to please pick up your pencil case and place it in your school stationery tray because otherwise they just dump it and the desk gets wild.  Also with dd I have to be like “please go and put these clothes neatly in your wardrobe” followed by “did you put them neatly in your wardrobe not on the floor or your chair?”  2 out of 3 times followed by “please go back and pick them up off the floor and put them in your wardrobe”.

 

[Katy]

I know this was several days ago, but when I'm in these situations I start by asking if there is actually a place for this stuff.  If there isn't a place for the stuff to be I see that as my problem.  Usually when clutter lingers for ages IME it's because there is literally no place for it.

If there is a place for it, and owner is capable but just being too lazy and entitled to bother, I'd start with some combination of:

• "jail" for the stuff (each item must be earned back with a 30 minute chore, any item not earned back in 30 days is going into the trash right before pickup)
• restriction from everything fun and all screen time until all stuff was cleaned up (not just shoved under a bed or in a closet, but actually in its assigned place)

I might possibly do both, or even go further with stripping privileges, depending on the degree of tone and eye rolling I got.

[marbel]

So, here's an update - the rooms got cleaned up, the rest of Christmas Eve and Day were all fine.  I think everyone got a little wakeup call.  It's never fun to see mom melting down. :-)

Just for clarification, these are not little kids; we are all adults in the house, all with stuff going on. There are rarely times we are all together to do a big room pickup, and it's not easy stuff like toys, but (one example) art supplies and art works-in-progress -- stuff that can't be just chucked in a box randomly.  There are no privileges to take away if people don't clean up, and I'm not throwing stuff out because it's not mine; I didn't even pay for it.  :-)  

It's really a matter of reigning in the expectations. Some of that is my fault, because I have had a high tolerance for clutter in the past. I have to be more forthright in saying "this is too cluttered/messy for me, you have to find a way to control this better."  Sometimes it can't be controlled for a period of time, that's understandable... 

like today, when there are pieces of sheet metal and a few light fixtures awaiting installation in the kitchen!  

Edited December 28, 2018 by marbel