Can you help me come up with idea for what to say when...

[Loowit]

... people comment to DD on her weight?

DD used to be quite thin.  In the last few year, she has put on quite a bit of weight.  She has been diagnosed with PCOS, so that is the biggest challenge she is facing, along with being pre-diabetic from the PCOS.  She is working with her doctor and me to help with managing her symptoms, more than just weight gain.  She is very self conscious about it, and unfortunately a lot of people have been making "helpful suggestions" to her.  I just found out about it, but apparently it has been going on for a while now.

I found out when DD asked me what she could say to MIL to change the topic of dieting when MIL keeps bringing it up.  I feel like this is a bit my fault.  MIL is taking DD's senior pictures and she asked me what I was wanting.  I mentioned a few things, but also that DD is a bit self conscious about her weight, so poses and things that would be flattering to her build would be nice.  DD said that MIL mentioned a number of times about different diets DD could try, including telling her that when MIL was in high school she only ate apples for lunch so she could lose weight.  MIL has always been a fad dieter and I have always been a bit uncomfortable with her talking about her latest diets to the kids, but this was really crossing the line IMO.  She made DD feel awful.  I know MIL wouldn't intentionally hurt DD's feeling, and she thinks she is helping, but it really isn't.

Then today I found out that there are some "helpful, concerned teachers" at her art school that are making suggestions to her about weight loss and being over weight.

I have been overweight most of my life, but I didn't realize it had a medical basis (I also have PCOS) until I was an adult.  I had a lot of people in my life talking to me about ways to lose weight and dieting.  I developed an eating disorder in high school, and I still very much struggle with eating in front of other people, including my own family at home.  I do not want this for DD, but I am not sure what to advise her.  She is very open with me about her struggles with weight, partially because we are going through the same things, but she doesn't want other people talking to her about it.  I have told her to just keep changing to subject over and over until they stop, or walking away if possible.  She says that isn't working.

[mellifera33]

Ugh. I’m sorry. People can be so obnoxious. I think I’d be inclined to say “Mind your own $#£{*~ business” but I know that isn’t appropriate for teachers. Or MIL. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

“This is something between me and my doctor.”  

Or insert DD’s name if you are the one saying it. 

Or. “This is something between me and my parents “ if she doesn’t want them to know that it is a medical issue. 

[hornblower]

First time: "Please do not talk to me about weight. I'm under the care of a doctor and we're dealing with it. I don't want to talk about it."

If it's someone nice, do it with a smile. 

Second time: "I asked you once already. Do not mention my weight again. Ever." 



 

[SKL]

Mom, I'd talk directly to MIL and let her know this is a super sensitive subject which DD is working on, and while you know she means well, it's best not to discuss it unless DD asks for advice. 

For the teachers, I agree with Jean that she can state that she's working with a doctor on it and would rather leave it at that.

I think it is most likely that people will take the hint and shut up.

I'm not sure, but it seems to me that it's not unusual for dance people and similar to talk openly about body shape etc.  Maybe up until recently, this has not been a sensitive or taboo topic for your daughter.  Hopefully a very clear statement will put a stop to it.

[Kassia]

I'm sorry that people are being so insensitive and rude!  I agree that the best response might just be for her to say it's between her and her doctor (or her parents).  I just can't get over how people think it's appropriate to talk to her about her weight.  What is wrong with people? 

[Kassia]

Is there any way you could send an email to her teachers saying that dd has some medical issues and you would appreciate it if they didn't bring up any physical changes with her?  I also think you should speak privately to your MIL about it.  

[Rosie_0801]

If it were my daughter, I'd tell her to smile but be blunt about it.

"It's not gluttony or laziness, it's a genetic condition." :)

That should shut them up.

[Loowit]

Thanks for the suggestions.  I will mention them to DD and see what she thinks.

I don't think I will talk to MIL myself.  I have asked DH to but I am not sure if he will or not.  MIL and I are not very close and I don't think it would help if I talked to her about it, but she would listen to DH.  MIL is a very sweet person on the whole, but she doesn't always think through how what she says might come across.

[SereneHome]

 

While I am not the most tactful person and am quite tired of being polite to rude, inconsiderate comments - I still try to teach my kids the polite way to handle things.

So, something simple as "thank you for your concern and suggestions, my doctor and I are working on it" would be my suggestion

 

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

3 hours ago, hornblower said:

First time: "Please do not talk to me about weight. I'm under the care of a doctor and we're dealing with it. I don't want to talk about it."

If it's someone nice, do it with a smile. 

Second time: "I asked you once already. Do not mention my weight again. Ever." 



 

This!!  Adding that she doesn't want to talk about it helps set the boundary.  Leaving it off implies sharing information and that the topic is open for discussion.  I would have her practice this  so that it rolls off her tongue.  This is a more forceful "pass the bean dip."  

[Loowit]

30 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Ugh. I hope she can work up the courage to say something back so they know to knock it off. It can be really hard to do sometimes. 

If the subject comes up after she veers away from it, maybe something like, "I changed the subject because I do not want to talk about my weight/diet." 

Or simply cut them off earlier and say something like, "I would rather not discuss that. I am taking advice from my doctor." 

Do they know about the diagnosis or just the weight gain? 

MIL knows about the diagnosis, because DD told her.  But now MIL is on a try to solve it by new fad diets kick, kinda like when DH was diagnosed with cancer and she kept sending him new homeopathic remedies and diet ideas.  DH just laughed it off, but DD is taking it much more personally.

I have no idea if her art teachers know or not, but I would guess she has mentioned it to at least some of them.

[Lizzie in Ma]

No advice but oldest has had a great deal of weight gain over the last few years that are due to medical issues we are still trying to figure out and treat. 

The worst is any time she goes to the hospital, they don't even treat her, the diagnosis is always, "fat".  Last time that happened she had such a bad infection she ended up needing IM antibiotics because they dismissed her at the ER.

No one knows what is going on with your daughter so imho they can keep their comments to themselves.  Much love to your dd.

[sassenach]

13 hours ago, Loowit said:

Thanks for the suggestions.  I will mention them to DD and see what she thinks.

I don't think I will talk to MIL myself.  I have asked DH to but I am not sure if he will or not.  MIL and I are not very close and I don't think it would help if I talked to her about it, but she would listen to DH.  MIL is a very sweet person on the whole, but she doesn't always think through how what she says might come across.

Gently, I think either you or your dh MUST say something. If your dh doesn’t, then you really need to step up on your daughter’s behalf. 

I would send a line to those teacher’s too. 

[Another Lynn]

How about, "I know some people like to discuss medical conditions openly, but I do not.  Please do not bring it up again."  

[Jann in TX]

((Hhugs for your and your dd))

My middle dd has PCOS and her weight has ALWAYS  been an issue as far as my parents (father and step mother) are concerned.  We have tried just about everything to get them to just ACCEPT her and not 'try to fix' her.  I'm sure they feel that they have good intentions-- but all they do is cause hurt.  DD has recently decided that she has to distance herself permanently from them-- and I have to agree, and I've found myself leaning that way too. I used to be very thin-- I was anorexic in high school.  My parents thought I was very healthy (my dad used to be very obese)... I still get comments about my weight.  "Oh Jann you used to be so thin and pretty...."   Gee, thanks...

It is sad that people treat you so differently if you are overweight.  Not all weight gain is gluttony!

As far as what to say-- be direct with your MIL-- tell her that if she keeps her comments up she will permanently destroy her relationship with your dd.  As far as the teachers-- have your dd try the 'Thanks, but I'm working with my Dr.' comment-- if they persist then please step in and set them straight-- Their 'good intentions' are HURTING your daughter-- they need to concentrate on teaching her not 'fixing' her appearance!

 

[gardenmom5]

as for her teachers - the first time, I would 'be gracious in giving the benefit of the doubt that they mean well, as soon as they started talking (yes, I'd interrupt), "thank them for being concerned about her health, and assure them that she and her doctors are working on it" ONCE  (NO details),

subsequent comments by the same person,  I would remind them they are there to give instruction in the noted subject,  just as she goes to her dr for healthcare advice.   (this is where the frozen stare/smile comes in.  she needs to learn how to use it - and just keep staring.)  

if they are really persistent . ..I apologize that she hadn't realized they had gone to medical school?   - what did they specialize in?  oh - they didn't?  she'll stick with her own dr.

 

some mils/grandmothers you can be frank. others .   . . not so much.   we used to joke that we only told things to mil when we were ready for the world to know.  every time, I'd ask mil if she wants a healthy relationship with the granddaughter or not?   then she needs to do those things that will support the relationship .. also accompanied by that frozen/hard stare.    and this is when boundaries come in.

[Loowit]

I will be talking to DH more about this later today, with DD in the room to brainstorm about ideas for her.  If DD is open to it, I think DH would be willing to call and talk to his mom.  The plus side is that MIL is now traveling again and won't see DD again for a while so we have time to think through responses.

Art school is more tricky.  It is a one day a week program for homeschoolers.  I do not know any of the teachers and do not have contact information other than for the school.  I could call and get the phone numbers/email addresses for her teachers, but I don't think DD would really appreciate me stepping in on this one.  She wants to handle it herself.  The classes are small and they get to know each other pretty well.  She meets with them sometimes outside of class for coffee or lunches.  So I think due to this different nature of the classes it creates more blurred lines as far as personal conversations.  She only has about a month and a half left before she is done there, so I think that the suggestions of mentioning that she is working with a doctor on it may be enough.  If not, I will set up a new strategy with DD to try to work it out.

[Farrar]

This really galls me that these folks have already been told there is a real medical condition at play and they still think they should stick their nose in it. I mean, it's bad enough to start with, but that's just appalling. At this point, I wouldn't care about being nice. She needs some really forceful back off because you are not a medical doctor and your words are hurtful and rude language to hit them with.

[NorthwestMom]

2 minutes ago, Farrar said:

This really galls me that these folks have already been told there is a real medical condition at play and they still think they should stick their nose in it. I mean, it's bad enough to start with, but that's just appalling. At this point, I wouldn't care about being nice. She needs some really forceful back off because you are not a medical doctor and your words are hurtful and rude language to hit them with.

I agree. I read this thread early on but did not respond because the only response that springs to mind is, "F*ck right off." (which is not helpful to the OP. Sorry OP!)  I have protected my DD from my MIL's weight obsession (she is long-distance so it is easier)  but my flying monkeys WILL appear if acquaintances think they have the right to fat-shame or "help" any of my kids. They need to BACK RIGHT OFF. 

[BlsdMama]

Honestly - I'd take it in hand with MIL.  She needs to stop.  Now.  She's close to the kiddo and it needs to be addressed bluntly and plainly as in, "You are not *allowed* to talk to DD about her weight, dieting, or anything related.  You are making her feel AWFUL.  She has a medical condition, we are working with a doctor, and we are focusing on eating for HEALTH and NOT for weight.  If you find you cannot NOT mention it, then we will limit her exposure to you."  Dead serious.

As far as teachers - I might actually have a "let it be known" email - re: health issue and that you all are addressing but that she will probably not ever be slender (if I understand PCOS correctly) and that it is FAR more important to you all as a family, that you focus on eating right than being THIN.

I think the large majority of society doesn't understand thin does not always equal healthy.   And the rest do not get that you can eat well and be not thin.  And ALL of them need to understand that there is a point in time where you close  your mouth and make the sound stop from coming out.

[BlsdMama]

18 hours ago, Loowit said:

Thanks for the suggestions.  I will mention them to DD and see what she thinks.

I don't think I will talk to MIL myself.  I have asked DH to but I am not sure if he will or not.  MIL and I are not very close and I don't think it would help if I talked to her about it, but she would listen to DH.  MIL is a very sweet person on the whole, but she doesn't always think through how what she says might come across.

On the other hand, the perk is that there isn't much of a relationship to ruin.  Some of our DHs just aren't "confrontational" and I have to say that if MIL doesn't like to respect boundaries, she probably won't listen to your DD.  It is likely an adult will have to tell her to close her yap.

[Carol in Cal.]

To some people I would say, "More of me to love!" and change the subject.

To others, maybe, "How rude."  And then change the subject.

To others, "Enough about that.  Thanks."  And then change the subject.

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

Another phrase I would use is "You may think your suggestions are helpful, but all your attention on my weight is actually really fat-shaming me and making me feel bad.  Please stop."  Being blunt about what they are doing, explaining the impact, and giving instrution on what to do next (as in STOP) is a formula she needs to repeat until they get the message.

[Tanaqui]

"Wow, I don't know why you'd say that."

"That's rather inappropriate."

"That's extremely personal."

"...."

"When I want your advice, I promise, I'll ask."

"This is a personal matter. Please don't bring it up again."

"I'm happy with the advice I've received from my doctor, and I don't want to discuss this with you."

"You did what? Wow. That sounds really dumb. I'm not going to do that."

"My weight is not up for discussion. If you continue to talk about it, then I'll have to leave."

"Thank you for your concern, but my doctor is handling this."

"Thank you for your concern, but I don't intend to go on a diet and I won't talk about diets with you."

"I'm not comfortable talking about this with you. I'd rather stick to the curriculum."

"STFU about my weight already. It's none of your business."

Whatever she says, she needs to be prepared to follow through if they keep doing it or try it again later:

"I already told you that I don't want to talk about my weight" for a first offense followed by "You know I'm not talking about that with you" for any after that. (And I'd finish that by exiting the conversation entirely - leaving the room, going home, hanging up the phone, whatever it takes.)

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

"Wow, I don't know why you'd say that."

"That's rather inappropriate."

"That's extremely personal."

"...."

"When I want your advice, I promise, I'll ask."

"This is a personal matter. Please don't bring it up again."

"I'm happy with the advice I've received from my doctor, and I don't want to discuss this with you."

"You did what? Wow. That sounds really dumb. I'm not going to do that."

"My weight is not up for discussion. If you continue to talk about it, then I'll have to leave."

"Thank you for your concern, but my doctor is handling this."

"Thank you for your concern, but I don't intend to go on a diet and I won't talk about diets with you."

"I'm not comfortable talking about this with you. I'd rather stick to the curriculum."

"STFU about my weight already. It's none of your business."

Whatever she says, she needs to be prepared to follow through if they keep doing it or try it again later:

"I already told you that I don't want to talk about my weight" for a first offense followed by "You know I'm not talking about that with you" for any after that. (And I'd finish that by exiting the conversation entirely - leaving the room, going home, hanging up the phone, whatever it takes.)

 

I love these.  I need to remember all of these responses for myself when people say inappropriate things!