S/O... deal breakers....has anyone had a marriage survive one and thrive?

[Ottakee]

Spin off on the deal breakers thread. I am just wondering if anyone has gone through the deep valley of a deal breaker situation and had their marriage come out the other side and thrive.

 

If so, what made it work?

[Scarlett]

I had a new marriage come out the other side but that is probably not what you mean.    :lol: 

 

Sorry, it really isn't funny.  I do know people who survive deal breaker things and it appears they are thriving.  And I know people who don't try to salvage the marriage who deeply deeply regret it later.  

[kroe1]

Yes. DH and I have worked through a couple of lesser deal breakers. We have never had to deal with infidelity or abuse, however. Those seem to be the biggies. I doubt we would survive those without a nursing home being involved and a diagnosis of dementia.

[kiwik]

I know people whose marriages appeared to recover but appearances are not that accurate.

[aaplank]

We have come through the deep valley of several deal breakers and come out on the other side, but our marriage is by no means thriving. I don't think it ever will, but now I'm okay with that. We can live at peace, being good parents together, run the home together, even be friends. At one point I never thought that possible.

However some words and actions can never be undone and leave permanent scars, so that trust bond is irrevocably broken.

 

ETA: What made it work? The healing power of forgiveness that only God can give. Taking it one day at a time and not trying to figure out the future. Emotionally walking away from my marriage so I could heal and get my head on straight. Waiting on God for a miracle.

Edited October 26, 2017 by aaplank

[MercyA]

.

Edited October 31, 2017 by MercyA

[displace]

Marriage builders.com is run by a psychologist, and one specialty is in recovering marriages from adultery. There are very specific steps to take but some marriages seem recoverable and can thrive even, if all precautions are taken (which may seem very drastic). There's a forum there for recovered and recovering spouses.

[FaithManor]

I have no some to survive, meaning that they did not divorce. I do not know of any that thrived. Big difference.

[Word Nerd]

Not personally, but on DH’s side a couple survived cheating and other behaviors linked to untreated bipolar disorder. Once he got help, they stopped the separation/divorce process and worked things out with counseling and medical care. ETA: Yes, they are thriving now.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Word Nerd

[MotherGoose]

Yes. Do not want to share details publicly. What made it work was both of our commitments to marriage as being permanent (as we worked through things, not right away). Newfound religious faith and values. BOTH of us willing to TRY to make things better. And it's thriving, 16 years later.

[G5052]

Sorry to hear about this. I know that you alluded to this earlier.

 

I can tell you from hard experience that if you are going to make it, you have to have a plan in place quickly. A "therapeutic separation" involves having a plan in place with regular meetings with a third party. You don't just go your own ways and hope to work it out somehow. You have to start dealing with the issues before they fester.

[Kassia]

DH's aunt cheated on his uncle.  They separated for years and were separated when I met and married DH.  It was very ugly and they had four kids together.  But they got back together and have been incredibly happy together since then - even going through some very rough times (death of their oldest son).  They just celebrated their 50th anniversary last year and really seem perfect together.  I don't think I could do it, but I am happy they did.  

[maize]

You know, after years of dealing with chronic mental illness I don't feel like there is much I couldn't move past. As long as it was a temporary something.

 

Are we thriving? As much as possible I think given the ongoing reality of an illness that is controlled and not healed. I love dh. He loves me and our children. I dread any future crises, but at the same time we've been through so many already that I figure I could weather another.

 

Of course I would rather not.

Edited October 27, 2017 by maize

[Tess in the Burbs]

Don't want to share, but yes, been through hell and are 8 years past it. It takes 2, working hard to make it work. I think mentally it's different than before the drama, so it just takes more effort overall.

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes.  My SIL was physically abused by her husband to the point of hospitalization.  He was suffering from extreme depression and anxiety, had not had a good example of how to be a father or husband from his own father, and had started drinking.  Things came to a head, a perfect storm of events got out of hand, and he nearly killed her.  It was a wake up call.  They separated for nearly a year, he went to counseling, she went to counseling (and they both realized they both needed help.  Frankly even my MIL admits that her daughter is a handful and can be VERY pushy and overbearing and inflexible...not that that justifies what he did by any means but SIL realized that she was actually fairly emotionally abusive and had been undermining him at every turn), and they were able to, after a LOT of outside help, heal and move forward. 

 

However, fast forward roughly 15 years later and he cheated on her.  Again, they went to counseling, decided to separate permanently but within months realized that they still cared, still enjoyed each other's company and wanted to try again.  They are still together and it has been a couple of years since they patched things up again.  Are they thriving?  I don't know.  But they both seem mostly happy to be together (and their kids have decided that while they aren't the best fit, they do care and are better off together than apart).

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, I think probably the only way getting past something that is a "dealbreaker" actually genuinely works in a thriving sort of way is when it is a priority for both sides.  If only one is trying I don't see how "thriving" ever happens.  

[OneStepAtATime]

And  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[MaeFlowers]

I didn't respond to the deal breakers thread but I have seen many marriages, including my own, go through deal breakers and survive and thrive. Adultery, addiction, etc. However, I have never seen that in an abuse situation.

 

I think what made it work was that both people were willing to put in the work. Both had to be honest, humble, forgiving, understanding and just plain determined to make it work.

[Scarlett]

Marriage builders.com is run by a psychologist, and one specialty is in recovering marriages from adultery. There are very specific steps to take but some marriages seem recoverable and can thrive even, if all precautions are taken (which may seem very drastic). There's a forum there for recovered and recovering spouses.

I like Harley's books but his forum is wacked. It is run very military like. I got banned. 😳

[Crimson Wife]

Yes, I have a relative who had a mid-life crisis that he and his wife worked through and they seem happy enough almost 30 years later. I am not sure I would have put up with what he did since it was not just a casual one-night stand type thing but a full-blown affair that lasted quite a while. But it is not my place to judge what is and isn’t a dealbreaker for someone else’s marital crisis

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[abba12]

I don't comment here often anymore, but, needed to say something to this.

 

I'm so sorry for those who say they have/knew marriages which survived but didn't thrive. That is one of the worst scenarios I can think of.

 

Our marriage survived, and is thriving, after physical abuse, a dealbreaker which society says I shouldn't have even given a moment of thought to before leaving and one which I rarely admit to. But, it isn't always as simple as 'he is bad, he wont change, leave him'. DH had issues from abuse in his past and I knew the source of his rage moments because all 5 of the boys in his family have them, including no less than three car accidents among them caused by rage (and all three sisters were, until recently, very quiet and meek, passive women). Also, while it in no way justifies his abuse, I have chronic health issues physical and mental which make me a difficult person to live with, I know this. 

 

How did we do it? The number one, absolute most important thing was that I needed to know, at all times, that he genuinely wanted to change and get better, he completely and totally accepted his wrongdoing regardless of what I may have done in the lead up to it, and he was constantly was working on the issue, including speaking to a few very trusted people who accepted my conscious decision to stay. Had I ever doubted his resolve to be better and change, had he ever refused to accept full responsibility outside of the moments of rage, had he ever refused to do an action that I believed would help our situation (such as calling someone or admitting his actions to someone) I would (and did) leave and he knew it. At the same time, I had a hard upbringing full of abuse which gave me a somewhat unique perspective. I knew people who do bad things aren't always bad people, I knew the feeling of lashing out as a result of your own abusive past because I'd fought that battle myself. I knew I could stand up to him in a way most women couldn't (and I did so each time he had an incident) because I had stood up to so many other people over the years. I knew I could remain, detatch myself emotionally, and not end up unable to leave if the time came. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be isolated and that if he tried to, I would leave. 

 

Did you know there's literally no resources for men who are abusive and want to change and be better? Society basically has decided these men can never change and aren't worth trying to change. We tried therapists but all advocated divorce immediately, except one, who blamed me! So, we were on our own, which was just fine by me anyway. Again, I would never advocate for a woman to do this, my situation was unique because my own past allowed me to understand and reach him in a way most women couldn't, and his resolve to change and improve was absolutely genuine, which would not be the case for many others. Many abusive men would not have changed, wanted to change or felt any remorse about their actions beyond what they acted out. But I had known enough truly bad people to see that he wasn't one of them. There was a very clear difference. He wanted to be better so desperately, he just needed help, badly. 

 

We hit our worst point 4-5 years ago. 3 years ago he had almost entirely overcome the issue, and the last 'cross the line' incident was 2 years ago now. He still has his moments of anger, for sure, but they no longer cross the line into abuse, and they are much fewer and further between. He's learned control and patience and empathy and how to manage his own pent up emotions (which has also included dealing with his childhood abuse and other external things). He has committed himself to earning my trust, accepted my bad memories of him, and worked hard to court me all over again. In turn, I've opened back up to him emotionally and intimately. At this point, despite the hard times, I can't imagine being with anyone else. In every other way we were always perfect for each other, and I am extremely happy in my marriage. It took time, it was painful, and there are emotional scars, memories that can't be erased. But I also have no regrets. I'd do it all again for what we have now (well, not with him, there's no second chances here lol, but you get my point)

 

But the ONLY way it happens is if both parties are fully, completely committed to both the marriage and fixing of the issue. Period. If the guilty partner isn't willing to admit all fault and do everything in their power to work on the problem and on the relationship, then you might as well give up right then and there. He never accepted the situation as ok or acceptable or no big deal, that is the only reason we survived. 

 

Mine is a rare case but I suspect a number of these things could be applied equally to adultery.

 

Also, I know what I did is controversial, but since it's already been and gone, throwing a bunch of criticism at me wont help, so if you have nothing nice to say, don't bother saying anything, thanks ladies. 

[Liz CA]

Abba, thank you for your post. Yes, abuse in men is very difficult. Difficult because many don't want it to be true but have all the signs. Some will admit but then there is the rage.

I am so encouraged by your post. I work with many men who have gone through terrible things growing up. Your dh sounds awesome!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I haven't, but my parents have. 

[Elizabeth86]

Yes. Dh and have been through some things that ordinarily end in divorce. We just pushed through. Neither of us were willing to quit. Time really has healed most of the wounds.

[G5052]

But the ONLY way it happens is if both parties are fully, completely committed to both the marriage and fixing of the issue. Period. If the guilty partner isn't willing to admit all fault and do everything in their power to work on the problem and on the relationship, then you might as well give up right then and there. He never accepted the situation as ok or acceptable or no big deal, that is the only reason we survived. 

 

Yours is quite a story. Thank you for sharing.

 

I agree with this. You both have to be 100% vested in each other and the overcoming process. As my therapist has said to me over and over, all you can do with the past is learn from it. You have to otherwise bury it and strive to rebuild something new and better, step-by-step.

[lllll]

Nm

Edited October 29, 2017 by Catheryn

[Ottakee]

Thanks to all for sharing your highly personal stories.

[sbgrace]

I really don't want to put things publicly, but if you pm me, I will share about a deal break surviving, better than it had ever been before marriage. 

[Scarlett]

I did put up with a lot from xh because of the unknown of visitation, custody etc.  In the end I was able to gather a lot of evidence that helped me and XH folded on the most important issues of custody and visitation....but as we have seen here you can't trust the courts to what is best so I absolutely understand staying to protect your children.

 

[Scarlett]

I don't comment here often anymore, but, needed to say something to this.

 

I'm so sorry for those who say they have/knew marriages which survived but didn't thrive. That is one of the worst scenarios I can think of.

 

Our marriage survived, and is thriving, after physical abuse, a dealbreaker which society says I shouldn't have even given a moment of thought to before leaving and one which I rarely admit to. But, it isn't always as simple as 'he is bad, he wont change, leave him'. DH had issues from abuse in his past and I knew the source of his rage moments because all 5 of the boys in his family have them, including no less than three car accidents among them caused by rage (and all three sisters were, until recently, very quiet and meek, passive women). Also, while it in no way justifies his abuse, I have chronic health issues physical and mental which make me a difficult person to live with, I know this. 

 

How did we do it? The number one, absolute most important thing was that I needed to know, at all times, that he genuinely wanted to change and get better, he completely and totally accepted his wrongdoing regardless of what I may have done in the lead up to it, and he was constantly was working on the issue, including speaking to a few very trusted people who accepted my conscious decision to stay. Had I ever doubted his resolve to be better and change, had he ever refused to accept full responsibility outside of the moments of rage, had he ever refused to do an action that I believed would help our situation (such as calling someone or admitting his actions to someone) I would (and did) leave and he knew it. At the same time, I had a hard upbringing full of abuse which gave me a somewhat unique perspective. I knew people who do bad things aren't always bad people, I knew the feeling of lashing out as a result of your own abusive past because I'd fought that battle myself. I knew I could stand up to him in a way most women couldn't (and I did so each time he had an incident) because I had stood up to so many other people over the years. I knew I could remain, detatch myself emotionally, and not end up unable to leave if the time came. I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be isolated and that if he tried to, I would leave. 

 

Did you know there's literally no resources for men who are abusive and want to change and be better? Society basically has decided these men can never change and aren't worth trying to change. We tried therapists but all advocated divorce immediately, except one, who blamed me! So, we were on our own, which was just fine by me anyway. Again, I would never advocate for a woman to do this, my situation was unique because my own past allowed me to understand and reach him in a way most women couldn't, and his resolve to change and improve was absolutely genuine, which would not be the case for many others. Many abusive men would not have changed, wanted to change or felt any remorse about their actions beyond what they acted out. But I had known enough truly bad people to see that he wasn't one of them. There was a very clear difference. He wanted to be better so desperately, he just needed help, badly. 

 

We hit our worst point 4-5 years ago. 3 years ago he had almost entirely overcome the issue, and the last 'cross the line' incident was 2 years ago now. He still has his moments of anger, for sure, but they no longer cross the line into abuse, and they are much fewer and further between. He's learned control and patience and empathy and how to manage his own pent up emotions (which has also included dealing with his childhood abuse and other external things). He has committed himself to earning my trust, accepted my bad memories of him, and worked hard to court me all over again. In turn, I've opened back up to him emotionally and intimately. At this point, despite the hard times, I can't imagine being with anyone else. In every other way we were always perfect for each other, and I am extremely happy in my marriage. It took time, it was painful, and there are emotional scars, memories that can't be erased. But I also have no regrets. I'd do it all again for what we have now (well, not with him, there's no second chances here lol, but you get my point)

 

But the ONLY way it happens is if both parties are fully, completely committed to both the marriage and fixing of the issue. Period. If the guilty partner isn't willing to admit all fault and do everything in their power to work on the problem and on the relationship, then you might as well give up right then and there. He never accepted the situation as ok or acceptable or no big deal, that is the only reason we survived. 

 

Mine is a rare case but I suspect a number of these things could be applied equally to adultery.

 

Also, I know what I did is controversial, but since it's already been and gone, throwing a bunch of criticism at me wont help, so if you have nothing nice to say, don't bother saying anything, thanks ladies. 

 

 

I have no criticism.  I think it is best to keep families together.  

 

And I totally agree men with anger issues are really abandoned by society in general.  

[Janeway]

We had serious deal breaker issues early on that means if I could go back in time, I would likely not marry my husband. Not even sure how I put up with it except that we had children and I knew I was tied for life to him. Things now are a complete 180. So yeah, we did fine in the end, so far.