At what age ...

[Elizabeth86]

do your kids do things for themselves. The. breakfast thread surprised me when people mentioned fending for themselves. Just curious. Dh grew up doing everything for himself from an early age. I literally dont think I ever prepared 1 meal, washed 1 dish orload of laundry or anything the whole 18 years I lives at home. Clearly I figured it out becauae I wait ony whole family all the time. My mom just lives to please her family and just preferred doing it all as did her mother and my mother in law.

[freesia]

My kids make their own breakfast and lunch from about seven years old. They load the dishwasher from about five or six. They start hand washing pots around twelve. They do a lot more, too, but I'm on my phone and it's hard to type. I think chores are good for kids and Mom. We are a team and make the house run together.

[Ottakee]

My kids had chores from early on. With a bit of direction they can make simple meals, clean the house, take care of the horses and chickens, etc.....and all are cognitively impaired.

[Peaceseeker]

My kids were on their own for breakfast by at least age 8, and cooking hot simple lunches by 9-10. They started doing their laundry by about 10-11. I still help them fold the clothes pretty often though.

 

They cleaned their rooms and helped with bathroom and dishes around the same ages. We are starting this year (young teens) to teach them to prepare a few simple dinners here and there.

 

I am homeschooling, working part time, chauffeuring, etc. I need household help. We are all a team. My kids understand this too. Some days they are really tired or overwhelmed too and I am happy to make them that grilled cheese for lunch they are perfectly able to make for themselves. Because everyone needs that sometimes! We love each other and work together as a family. We are kind to each other. My daughter will make my son lunch or vice versa. There is no resentment to changing over the clothes for someone or pitching in. Everyone does their part, and I feel like we have a happy home.

 

I would personally resent feeling like I had to do all the work all the time while everyone else just sat back and enjoyed life. I am a person with needs too. I know for some people cooking and cleaning is their love language so if that brings you joy- go for it! It doesn't bring me joy to do all the cooking and the cleaning, etc...

 

All of us working together is more natural for my family. And I don't want to set the example for my daughter that moms do everything (or to my son either- I am sure my future daughter in law will thank me when he can help with laundry, dishes, bathrooms, etc...) I just feel that everyone can and should pitch in according to their abilities. That is the example we are trying to set. Also I am a big believer in self sufficiency.

Edited July 23, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[Carrie12345]

I almost never make breakfast or lunch.  (Now I feel like that makes me an ogre for my position on the what's for dinner thread, lol.)  I can't even remember how old my kids were when I stopped doing that.  At some point, my older kids took care of their own and I just started asking them to make extra for the next sibling in line. I probably haven't ever made my 6yo breakfast or lunch on a routine basis.  He generally makes his own.

 

He did almost burn the house down making toast a year or two ago, but the lesson stuck with him!  He no longer uses a 4-slice toaster with anything sitting on the unused side.

[SKL]

My mom was a working mom, so she left for the bus stop before we left for school.  We certainly knew how to get our breakfast and pack our lunches by the time we were school-aged.  My older brother was the main weekday cook from age 10.  I took on that role 3 days a week when I was 12.  The recipes I learned at 12 ranged from spaghetti & meat sauce to roast stuffed chicken & mashed potatoes.  I was never a good or enthusiastic cook, so the job transferred to my younger sister as soon as she could do it.  :p

 

My kids fend for themselves when they have lots of time. They have been able to prep simple meals since preschool age.  Due to time constraints, meal prep is usually done for them when we're in a hurry to get somewhere.  Otherwise the only time I cook "for them" is when I am teaching them how to cook.  This has been the case with breakfast / lunch for several years, and with dinner since they were maybe 9yo.

 

One of my kids (now age 10) enjoys cooking.  The other "can cook" but will often bribe her sister to do it.  :p

 

I know people can learn how to "fend for themselves" when they have to as young adults, but I like to give my kids the experience of planning it out and addressing the issues that come up.  For their part, they generally like the autonomy.

Edited July 23, 2017 by SKL

[Elizabeth86]

Now I'm wondering how much everyone's dh's do around the house. Am I seriously the only person that does everything? My dh helps with grocery shopping and thats about it. I lay out his clothes for him, bring him his shoes, make his morning coffee, pack his lunch, serve his dinner to him. He will pitch in with the meat portion of dinner such as steak or porkchop because he likes it just right. He works, mows the grass, fixes stuff and grocery shops with us. Thats it.He will sit outside with the kids and play on his phone or watch tv with then while they play so I can get a few things done in the evening. My family has NO idea how easy they've got it.

[bolt.]

My kids have been capable of a simple breakfast, with supervision and very clear procedures, from about 4 years old. I don't consider that 'fending for themselves' -- it was a carefully scaffolded skill set that they enjoyed learning. I was fully present (and very patient!) for the whole process.

 

Like many other things, sometimes it's simpler to tie their shoes for them -- and the earlier you teach them, the more patience it takes. It's a personal choice, and I don't want to present it like an accomplishment.

 

By now (9 & 12) they pretty much can do most basic tasks in the kitchen -- step by step, with supervision. I don't use them like workhorses just because they have learned this skill set. I still do all of the day-to-day cooking and cleaning.

 

They serve themselves breakfast, prepare a cold group lunch, help set up and tidy up various meals, clean up after themselves, and do one "chore" per day, sometimes two on weekends. (A "chore" is something that benefits the whole family, not just an aspect of minding their own belongings.)

[Guinevere]

Your oldest is not yet 6, right?  My 6 year old didn't really make much food either, because at those ages, the littler ones want to help and it just gets super messy.  When she was 9, though, she, and my 7, 5, and almost 3 year old could handle breakfast and lunch if it was easy (cereal, muffins, sandwiches, fruit).  It was great, because then I could take care of the one year old, and then rest my pregnant self.  Whew.

 

In general, though,

 

toddlers can fetch and deliver items,

preschoolers can handle keeping the table cleaned off (nothing heavy or breakable) and washed, and put away anything that belongs to them, or can be reduce to a category of things.  I often tell my 4 or 5 year old to put away all the shoes, or pile all the books by the bookshelf.  

k and early elementary fold and put away the clothes in the dryer, keep the family closet tidy, or do a 5 minute job of most kinds (like take out the trash if it isn't too heavy)

2-3 grade unload the dishwasher, and do a variety of scrubbing jobs around the house, and sweeping/vacuuming, make muffins from a mix. 

4-5th get heavier dishwasher and scrubbing duties (like bathrooms and mopping)

5-6th can handle a pretty big sorting job, or a "we are having company and I need the living room clean" situation

 

By 12, I can rely on my oldest for pretty much anything, though I've not taught her to cook more complicated things yet.  Any older child might be tasked with something a smaller child could do, though I try to save my heavy hitters for where I really need them. :)  The bigger ones often include the younger ones, so the younger ones are getting the benefit of on the job training that I didn't have time to do when I had lots of littles.  My 10yo has been taking my now 5 yo to the dryer with him to help fold since she was 3, lol.  And my 2 year old has been doing dishes with my 12yo for at least a year.  A few days ago, I found him (almost 3yo now) carrying groceries, just because everyone else does.  I've not carried in groceries since my oldest reached 8.  I just sort of declared myself done.  I figure I did all the shopping, they can haul them in and put them away.

 

And, last night, for the first time, I called my oldest two downstairs (10 and 12) and said, "Guys, I've been cooking all afternoon.  It's your turn.  You have 30 minutes."  Which I added, because I wanted to prevent dawdling and arguing.  Sure enough, they got it done, giggling the whole time, and I sat down and ate a popsicle.  It was pretty amazing.  

 

ETA They cleaned the kitchen.  

 

Edited July 23, 2017 by Guinevere

[foxbridgeacademy]

I think I started having mine do things around 10-12.  Unloading DW and light cooking (some children were better at it than others). Laundry on their own only recently, but that's because prior to moving here the door to the laundry was off my room.  They've helped clean and prep since they were little.  I don't expect them to have to truly fend for themselves until after College (they'll be living at home until then) so we're progressing slowly along the road to independence. They are responsible for their own b-fast and lunch but I make sure there's plenty of options (DS usually cooks himself bacon and eggs or pancakes).

[bolt.]

Now I'm wondering how much everyone's dh's do around the house. Am I seriously the only person that does everything? My dh helps with grocery shopping and thats about it. I lay out his clothes for him, bring him his shoes, make his morning coffee, pack his lunch, serve his dinner to him. He will pitch in with the meat portion of dinner such as steak or porkchop because he likes it just right. He works, mows the grass, fixes stuff and grocery shops with us. Thats it.He will sit outside with the kids and play on his phone or watch tv with then while they play so I can get a few things done in the evening. My family has NO idea how easy they've got it.

My husband has a chronic illness. He takes care of trash when asked, occasionally mows the lawn, and supervises kids as needed.

[Elizabeth86]

Your oldest is not yet 6, right? My 6 year old didn't really make much food either, because at those ages, the littler ones want to help and it just gets super messy. When she was 9, though, she, and my 7, 5, and almost 3 year old could handle breakfast and lunch if it was easy (cereal, muffins, sandwiches, fruit). It was great, because then I could take care of the one year old, and then rest my pregnant self. Whew.

 

In general, though,

 

toddlers can fetch and deliver items,

preschoolers can handle keeping the table cleaned off (nothing heavy or breakable) and washed, and put away anything that belongs to them, or can be reduce to a category of things. I often tell my 4 or 5 year old to put away all the shoes, or pile all the books by the bookshelf.

k and early elementary fold and put away the clothes in the dryer, keep the family closet tidy, or do a 5 minute job of most kinds (like take out the trash if it isn't too heavy)

2-3 grade unload the dishwasher, and do a variety of scrubbing jobs around the house, and sweeping/vacuuming, make muffins from a mix.

4-5th get heavier dishwasher and scrubbing duties (like bathrooms and mopping)

5-6th can handle a pretty big sorting job, or a "we are having company and I need the living room clean" situation

 

By 12, I can rely on my oldest for pretty much anything, though I've not taught her to cook more complicated things yet. Any older child might be tasked with something a smaller child could do, though I try to save my heavy hitters for where I really need them. :) The bigger ones often include the younger ones, so the younger ones are getting the benefit of on the job training that I didn't have time to do when I had lots of littles. My 10yo has been taking my now 5 yo to the dryer with him to help fold since she was 3, lol. And my 2 year old has been doing dishes with my 12yo for at least a year. A few days ago, I found him (almost 3yo now) carrying groceries, just because everyone else does. I've not carried in groceries since my oldest reached 8. I just sort of declared myself done. I figure I did all the shopping, they can haul them in and put them away.

 

And, last night, for the first time, I called my oldest two downstairs (10 and 12) and said, "Guys, I've been cooking all afternoon. It's your turn. You have 30 minutes." Which I added, because I wanted to prevent dawdling and arguing. Sure enough, they got it done, giggling the whole time, and I sat down and ate a popsicle. It was pretty amazing.

Yes my oldest is almost 6. I wasnt thinking he was ready for makimg meals really, it just surprises me how helpful any kid living at home would be. I just did not grow up like that at akl.

[Elizabeth86]

My husband has a chronic illness. He takes care of trash when asked, occasionally mows the lawn, and supervises kids as needed.

Ugh so sorry to hear that.

[Guinevere]

My dh works very long hours.  When the kids were little, and he was home, he'd take them out to play so I could get a lot of work done uninterrupted.  He's also always helped keep the dishes done.  He will fix all the broken stuff, keep the yard managed, and let me sleep in.  He will also do anything that needs done, basically anything where we have gotten behind during the week.  He used to be kind of grumpy about it when we only had 1 or 2, like I should be able to do it all, but now he is very helpful.  At some point, he decided it was his house and his family, and if wanted things a certain way, he was going to have to do it, and support the rest of us who were trying.  I was SO thankful!!!  

[blue daisy]

My 12, 9, and 7 year old make their own breakfasts. My 12 year old has started learning how to cook some quick meals (grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, mac and cheese from a box.) The boys have been doing their own laundry for years, including folding and putting away (I had to lower my standards for folding, lol). My daughter is learning how to fold hers now. We rotate through chores, but they can all sweep the kitchen, unload the dishwasher, clean bathroom sinks, vacuum, etc. My oldest can mow the lawn.

[KungFuPanda]

Not as early as they could have if my fridge/kitchen were better organized :-)

 

At my house my oldest was 9-10 before she was remotely interested. Her brother was interested sooner so it kind of happened at the same time. When they were little I tended to cook and not stock so much ready-to-eat fare. That can make a difference if your kid isn't convinced that a piece of fruit and a cheese stick even count as breakfast.

[Audrey]

I don't remember about ages so much, but it's always been a goal to teach him how to do things for himself -- clean room, do chores, make a few meals.  Eventually, he would just do those things on his own without being asked (too much -- the clean room is still a white whale. lol!) 

[Carrie12345]

, bring him his shoes, 

 

Yeah, you lost me there.

[Frances]

Now I'm wondering how much everyone's dh's do around the house. Am I seriously the only person that does everything? My dh helps with grocery shopping and thats about it. I lay out his clothes for him, bring him his shoes, make his morning coffee, pack his lunch, serve his dinner to him. He will pitch in with the meat portion of dinner such as steak or porkchop because he likes it just right. He works, mows the grass, fixes stuff and grocery shops with us. Thats it.He will sit outside with the kids and play on his phone or watch tv with then while they play so I can get a few things done in the evening. My family has NO idea how easy they've got it.

I'm sorry, but I can't fathom doing some of the stuff you mention such as laying out clothes, bringing shoes, etc. Maybe it's different because throughout our marriage I've generally worked at least part-time, plus he definitely viewed homeschooling as a job. He was always very actively involved with our son, no being on the phone, and we didn't have TV until our son was almost a teen. While we each have some household stuff we primarily manage, we tend to work together on bigger projects or when preparing for guests, etc. And we always involved our son with household work. And everyone does their own laundry by choice. I actually like doing laundry and would be fine with doing it all.

[freesia]

Dh does the grocery shopping and cooks dinner twice a week. He is responsible for his own breakfast and lunch, and ironining and choosing his clothes.

 

He also does the taxes and keeps track of what the cars need (we both bring them in). We have a yard service bc it's church property. He also handles the garden and will do anything g else that needs doing if asked, or he notices.

 

Different families divide things differently. When he worked long hours in construction btwn church jobs, I did more. Now that I am schooling four kids from third grade to twelfth and driving to activities, he does more.

[heartlikealion]

I'm still waiting for this to happen. My son is 9 and will starve himself or eat crackers before ever attempting to make a meal. He seems behind his peers in certain areas to the point where I wonder if he needs an OT eval, but when I brought something up before with professionals they were kind of dismissive. Dh tried to get him involved in cooking and he didn't have much interest. He left the room a lot. He's the type that if he tried to make a peanut butter sandwich (he doesn't like pb & j) he would probably holler at me because he had trouble getting the peanut butter out of the jar or he stabbed a hole in his bread trying to spread it. I don't have the patience for this right now and usually end up doing more than I should for him. We don't have a dishwasher so I can't have him help me unload or load. The other day I told him to microwave a meal for himself and he came to me to ask how long and I said, "read the box!" Ugh. He's a smart kid but sometimes I think he just lacks common sense. He will sometimes ask me to pour him a drink and I tell him he can do it himself but then if the item is hard to hold/very full he prefers me to do it so he doesn't make a mess. I have to harp on him most days to feed/water his cat. I literally have to lay out his clothes most of the time or he acts like he has no idea what to wear or pick out weird mismatching items and says he doesn't care lol.

[Elizabeth86]

Yeah, you lost me there.

lol

[Frances]

My kids were on their own for breakfast by at least age 8, and cooking hot simple lunches by 9-10. They started doing their laundry by about 10-11. I still help them fold the clothes pretty often though.

 

They cleaned their rooms and helped with bathroom and dishes around the same ages. We are starting this year (young teens) to teach them to prepare a few simple dinners here and there.

 

I am homeschooling, working part time, chauffeuring, etc. I need household help. We are all a team. My kids understand this too. Some days they are really tired or overwhelmed too and I am happy to make them that grilled cheese for lunch they are perfectly able to make for themselves. Because everyone needs that sometimes! We love each other and work together as a family. We are kind to each other. My daughter will make my son lunch or vice versa. There is no resentment to changing over the clothes for someone or pitching in. Everyone does their part, and I feel like we have a happy home.

 

I would personally resent feeling like I had to do all the work all the time while everyone else just sat back and enjoyed life. I am a person with needs too. I know for some people cooking and cleaning is their love language so if that brings you joy- go for it! It doesn't bring me joy to do all the cooking and the cleaning, etc...

 

All of us working together is more natural for my family. And I don't want to set the example for my daughter that moms do everything (or to my son either- I am sure my future daughter in law will thank me when he can help with laundry, dishes, bathrooms, etc...) I just feel that everyone can and should pitch in according to their abilities. That is the example we are trying to set. Also I am a big believer in self sufficiency.

This is very similar to how our family works.

[JustEm]

Now I'm wondering how much everyone's dh's do around the house. Am I seriously the only person that does everything? My dh helps with grocery shopping and thats about it. I lay out his clothes for him, bring him his shoes, make his morning coffee, pack his lunch, serve his dinner to him. He will pitch in with the meat portion of dinner such as steak or porkchop because he likes it just right. He works, mows the grass, fixes stuff and grocery shops with us. Thats it.He will sit outside with the kids and play on his phone or watch tv with then while they play so I can get a few things done in the evening. My family has NO idea how easy they've got it.

I could not live that way. My oldest 3, ages 8, 7, and 4, work together to do their own laundry once a week. They also fees the dogs twice a day and clean up after themselves at meals and with toys.

 

Dh makes a hot breakfast almost every day. He also cleans the bathroom, with the help of the kids, once a week. He also plays with the kids and reads to them regularly but not so I can get other things done. I do his laundry but I would never in a million years get his clothes and shoes for him. Everyone serves themselves.

 

Usually he is the one bringing me my coffee.

 

As the kids get older I expect them to contribute more to the cleaning or cooking if they'd prefer that. If dh didn't work over 40 hours a week I would expect him to do more around the house.

[heartlikealion]

I don't have to bring my husband his shoes but because he has back issues sometimes he'll ask me or the kids to fish his shoes out from under the bed if they get kicked under there. I'm like seriously just use the **** shoe rack.

[heartlikealion]

Of all of that, the one I won't let DH TOUCH is grocery shopping.  Grocery shopping is all the time all mine all my job, by my choice.  I am a bit of a control freak about grocery shopping.  And I try to avoid bringing ANYONE EVER to do it with me.  Sometimes I have to bring the kids, and a few times when I was pregnant DH would come with....would have been easier to have done it alone.

 

I do not like grocery shopping, but dh rushes me if we go together and doesn't remember to use the coupons. Yesterday he got stuck at walmart because of a car repair and I told him there were coupons in the car on the front seat. He said he didn't see them and didn't use any. I said let me get this straight... you were stranded at walmart... why didn't you go back to the car to search for them? Sigh. He is mostly good at grocery shopping, but I'm the detail-oriented person. He's come home before with peelies (the sticker coupons) hanging off the product. LOL I'm like you should have redeemed that!

[LarlaB]

Since I run a business and work 20-30hours per week out of the home, it was a natural extension for my kids to ease a bit more into self sufficiency.

 

My kids have been doing DIY breakfast and summer lunch for 2years (since 8 & 11). I make sure they have options and many times as in the kitchen to facilitate. They don't like big breakfasts unless it's a weekend brunch.

 

DD opts to take her lunch to school and therefore packs it. No help from me. DS is not quite there but generally prefers school lunch. He could

Pack a lunch but the time management in the AM is still a sticky spot for him.

 

Kiddos have done their own summer laundry and room cleaning for 2 years as well. During school I help with laundry or just do it for them.

 

DS has been the lawn mowing dude since he was 8. He is more competent now and needs very little oversight and assistance. (He started with self propelled/no motor).

 

DH works from home and we are pretty traditional in household division of labor. He doesn't cook, clean or do laundry (oh how I wish that he would LOL) but I don't deal with yard, cars or trash. We share school pickup/drop off rotation- I work from 10-8pm 2x a week and need to just push thru. I'm still trying to nudge someone to prepare dinner those two nights.

[alisoncooks]

I do most of the stuff around our house. All laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping.

Oldest DD (11) fixes her own cereal in the mornings. They clean (some) when asked/threatened. ;) They don't have regular chores.

 

DH mows the lawn and takes the trash out. Sometimes.

Similar to a previous poster, my DH has chronic health issues (undergoing cancer treatment/in remission/health limitations as a result of meds) and he works full time. I do most/all home-making and child-rearing. :p

 

I grew up helping very little around the house. I was always very active in extracurricular sports and academics.

[EmseB]

Some of the stuff the OP does for her DH is stuff I don't do for my 4yo. I guess that sounds harsh, but I'm a little wowed by that list.

 

Unless we have a special event, everyone but the 2yo picks out their own clothes. I don't keep track of any of the kids' shoes (again, except the 2yo). The older two kids are capable of fixing a cold lunch (sandwiches, chips, veggies with dip) for all four kids. The older two also clean the kitchen after dinner most nights, but I do 95% of the cooking. They have done their own laundry and know how to switch loads and such, but right now I'm doing most of it because it got to be one too many chores for them, I think. But simply knowing they are capable and I can ask them to help is amazing.

 

DH doesn't do laundry or floors, but I can't think of any other chores he doesn't do around the house. And I don't deal with trash our yard work except my garden. Otherwise we all just kind of pitch in and do what needs doing.

 

I do think it is nice to do things for other people like get them a cup of coffee or fix them a plate of food, but it's tricky if there's an expectation of a certain level of service from a spouse, I think.

Edited July 23, 2017 by EmseB

[Carrie12345]

Different families divide things differently. When he worked long hours in construction btwn church jobs, I did more. Now that I am schooling four kids from third grade to twelfth and driving to activities, he does more.

We're navigating a new stage over here. Dh worked a LOT over the years. Now he has more time at home, so it seems like we should divide and conquer more, but his hours are still unpredictable (and he's a volunteer firefighter.) I wind up taking over much of the time, anyway. It gets uncomfortable for both of us, because he has the desire to take things on, but they're still "my" areas, by default.

 

Except tucking kids in. They don't want me for that. And I almost never do his laundry. :-P

[SKL]

Besides being able to cook, my kids can do their own laundry and clean pretty much everything, but they aren't generally required to do all that.  I do most of the day-to-day housework, and I have maids come periodically to do the nitty gritty that I don't have time for.

 

I think my kids have it too easy.  I keep telling myself I'm going to start expecting more of them, but I'm usually too tired or too lazy to push it.  I don't mind housework at all, but I feel my kids are getting spoiled by not having regular chores and not having accountability if they are slobs.  :p

Edited July 23, 2017 by SKL

[JIN MOUSA]

My kids were on their own for breakfast by at least age 8, and cooking hot simple lunches by 9-10. They started doing their laundry by about 10-11. I still help them fold the clothes pretty often though.

 

They cleaned their rooms and helped with bathroom and dishes around the same ages. We are starting this year (young teens) to teach them to prepare a few simple dinners here and there.

 

I am homeschooling, working part time, chauffeuring, etc. I need household help. We are all a team. My kids understand this too. Some days they are really tired or overwhelmed too and I am happy to make them that grilled cheese for lunch they are perfectly able to make for themselves. Because everyone needs that sometimes! We love each other and work together as a family. We are kind to each other. My daughter will make my son lunch or vice versa. There is no resentment to changing over the clothes for someone or pitching in. Everyone does their part, and I feel like we have a happy home.

 

I would personally resent feeling like I had to do all the work all the time while everyone else just sat back and enjoyed life. I am a person with needs too. I know for some people cooking and cleaning is their love language so if that brings you joy- go for it! It doesn't bring me joy to do all the cooking and the cleaning, etc...

 

All of us working together is more natural for my family. And I don't want to set the example for my daughter that moms do everything (or to my son either- I am sure my future daughter in law will thank me when he can help with laundry, dishes, bathrooms, etc...) I just feel that everyone can and should pitch in according to their abilities. That is the example we are trying to set. Also I am a big believer in self sufficiency.

 

This is sort of my medium-term goal (long-term is for each of my kids to be capable of handling whatever around the house; short-term is to make it through each day).

 

All 3 of mine put their laundry away (most choose not to fold, which is fine with me). The 3 year old really wants to be big like everyone else, and on this one I'm totally supportive of that. Other things they do include putting away toys and books, helping keep common spaces picked up, carrying their dishes to the sink, setting the table, and (more or less) making their bed each morning. DD6 also rinses kid dishes after many meals. 

 

Starting this fall I plan to do more intentional teaching and handing over of more responsibilities, especially around cleaning and meal prep. 

 

DH's level of contribution around the house is on par with mine. This is great, because it means that a few times a year, I get out of town for a weekend. He handles everything -- the kids have a great time, the house is in decent shape, nothing disastrous or catastrophic. 

[mamaraby]

Dh works a lot of hours, but he still helps out when he's home because we're all a team and running life requires teamwork unless one lives on their own. I may help out by keeping his uniform washed so he has a clean one the next day, but if I don't get to it, dh will do it on his own (and help out with anything laundry related along the way). He can get his own shoes and set out his own clothes and feed himself because he's an adult. In fact, he did all that before leaving for work this afternoon.

 

With my oldest, he was 7yo when he started getting his own breakfast. Subsequent children started maybe a bit earlier, but that's because they have an older sibling to help out and be an example. Little kids love to help and want to be just like their older siblings.

 

My 12yo helped keep us fed during soccer season by making dinner on a night he didn't have practice. Grated, it was the same thing every week and was a well practiced meal, but boy was it nice to walk in after getting home from practice and having dinner on the table and ready. I've been working this summer on expanding his cooking capabilities by sitting alongside while he works his way through a recipe. He's responsible on those nights for having planned and put the needed items on the grocery list. There are a few free Craftsy cooking classes he's going to work through during the school year this year too.

 

Dd1 (9) is after me to teach her too. She can follow a recipe pretty well and has learned some kitchen skills. She took over making waffles this morning (pouring the batter in the waffle iron) while I ate. DD2 (7) can sometimes be too...lazy...and expect everyone to help her so we've been working on nudging her to independence. She can do it when she wants to. She just prefers not to most of the time.

 

Otherwise, there have been nights when we need to get dinner on the table quickly that all three of my kids (12, 9, 7) have been called into action and have helped. Hey can you... I need someone to... It was a far more enjoyable way to get dinner on the table.

 

As a general rule, at my house I make dinner and the kids feed themselves for breakfast and lunch (leftovers or sandwich). Dh usually takes care of planning and making a dinner or two on his weekends. He'd help out more if he was home for dinner. He's not so he can't.

 

When I was growing up, my dad got home before my mom did and he made dinner every weeknight. Since my family of origin was very much an "all hands on deck" home, I have no interest/patience in anything else. YMMV and all that, but this is what works best for us. I may not work outside the home, but homeschooling my children is a full time job so it's not like I sit around doing nothing while everyone else waits on me hand and foot. My kids practicing their skills before going out on their own is a good thing, imo.

[SKL]

And I agree that I could expect more of my kids if I organized their spaces better, i.e., they have too much crap.  They have the ability to do laundry and fold and put away.  But put it where, when the drawers are too full?  This is on me.  I need to get it together. :P

[Carrie12345]

Besides being able to cook, my kids can do their own laundry and clean pretty much everything, but they aren't required to do all that. I do most of the day-to-day housework, and I have maids come periodically to do the nitty gritty that I don't have time for.

 

I think my kids have it too easy. I keep telling myself I'm going to start expecting more of them, but I'm usually too tired or too lazy to push it. I don't mind housework at all, but I feel my kids are getting spoiled by not having regular chores and not having accountability if they are slobs. :P

My kids have basic cleaning chores, and they stink at them. Surely they've realized after this many years that they're not getting out of them for a crummy job!

 

If someone ever popped in unannounced and needed to use our main/kid bathroom, I'd be mortified! (And they ask who's coming over if they see me cleaning it.)

[JIN MOUSA]

My kids have been capable of a simple breakfast, with supervision and very clear procedures, from about 4 years old. I don't consider that 'fending for themselves' -- it was a carefully scaffolded skill set that they enjoyed learning. I was fully present (and very patient!) for the whole process.

 

Like many other things, sometimes it's simpler to tie their shoes for them -- and the earlier you teach them, the more patience it takes. It's a personal choice, and I don't want to present it like an accomplishment.

 

By now (9 & 12) they pretty much can do most basic tasks in the kitchen -- step by step, with supervision. I don't use them like workhorses just because they have learned this skill set. I still do all of the day-to-day cooking and cleaning.

 

They serve themselves breakfast, prepare a cold group lunch, help set up and tidy up various meals, clean up after themselves, and do one "chore" per day, sometimes two on weekends. (A "chore" is something that benefits the whole family, not just an aspect of minding their own belongings.)

 

Definitely agree with the bolded. For my general enjoyment of life, I can't be the only one doing everything. So in our house it's a choice to take the time and patience to teach kids how to do some things for themselves, then hand those things off to them. 

[Frances]

Some of the stuff the OP does for her DH is stuff I don't do for my 4yo. I guess that sounds harsh, but I'm a little wowed by that list.

 

Same here. Although upon reflection, I think the level of involvement with the children is even more surprising. Even way back when I was growing up, my dad read to us, played sports with us, did chores and special projects with us, etc. I truly thought most dads in intact families, barring illness or extreme work schedules or other limitations I'm not thinking of, were extremely involved with their children. I learn something new almost every day on this board.

[Peaceseeker]

My husband helps out when he can around the house, with the kids, and does all yard work. He works 50 hours a week plus renovating a house on the weekends so he is a busy man. I work 20-30 and homeschool and do a lot of the household stuff, like planning, shopping, errands, budgets, etc. I do cook dinner most nights or use the crock pot for him while I work on the weekends. He can cook but it often goes down like "well the kids had some cereal and then they weren't hungry" or some other excuse. He does cook occasionally. I recognize the feeling of being too tired to cook as one I am also familiar with, but generally that falls on me or we will eat out too much.

 

I clearly resent this chore the most out of all my chores and maybe because it's the area I don't get a lot of help or have a lot of choice about, because someone has to do it and right now that someone has to be me. If I could eat out everyday or afford a personal chef I would gladly spend that money if I had it to spend! But I don't and the kids were too young and he was too busy so I always cooked. As soon as possible the kids were on their own for breakfast and lunch. The early years were tough when they needed me to do every meal and snack. It is so much easier now.

 

But my husband will throw in a load of laundry or dishes, clean a bathroom, mop the floors, etc when I get overwhelmed. Which is pretty regularly lately! He's a great guy who does as much as he can for us. If I just can't manage to pull it together one day and need to binge watch Netflix while hiding from everyone in my room he will just pick up a pizza for dinner and tell me to enjoy myself. I love that man so much!

Edited July 23, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[mytwomonkeys]

I usually make meals and do the bulk of household stuff - but that's really kinda my thing & I enjoy it. My kids both know how to cook and can prepare something without a problem. When I'm not home my daughter will use the oven & cook if needed, like pizza, etc. When I am home she loves to prepare dinner with me. My son is still just a microwave guy when I'm not around. This year he will learn to start cooking & once a week he will plan the meal for our family.

 

They both clean their rooms, help with chores and stuff...yard work.

 

But, overall, I'm in charge of the house and everyone helps as needed ...I will leave to-do lists if I'm feeling like my plate is full. There are certain things that they do on automatic pilot because I've taught them too (put dishes in sink, keep rooms tidy, etc).

 

Growing up I had no chores, didn't cook. When I moved out I figured it out & turned out fine.

Edited July 23, 2017 by mytwomonkeys

[SKL]

While my kids don't have regular chores (or if they do, they ignore them), they are generally willing to do what I ask when I ask.  That's nice, but I still think they need to learn how to plan and make things happen without being told.

 

Then again, I still have 7+ years before they turn 18, so I tell myself there is hope ....

[Frances]

I do have to say...I do pack DH's lunch most of the time. The reason is self preservation lol. If I don't pack it, he doesn't. Not that he WON'T, he just doesn't. He and I handle all the finances together and he won't go and buy something if he doesn't have a lunch. But he never thinks ahead enough to pack it the night before, and by the time he is up and moving in the morning he "doesn't have time" to put something together, so he just doesn't bring one. THis means that he comes home irritable and nasty cause he's hungry and then eats everything in sight without regard to what it's for or why.

 

So I pack it. He doesn't require it, he doesn't get upset if it's not there, and his irritability after not eating is purely just hungry and not directed at me in any way. But it's not fun, so I pack the lunch. I do it the night before, and usually, I just take a lunch portion of dinner and package it up before anything else.

When my son was grade school aged and his dad worked very long hours in academia, he became so concerned that his dad wasn't eating enough during the day that he took it upon himself to pack his lunches. It was actually a great learning experience for him and he felt very proud of his work. He would plan the meals and make a shopping list. Then he would prepare a sack lunch or two at a time and put them in our old fridge in the basement. He would often include sweet notes and drawings.

[SKL]

It's interesting how some working moms get their kids to do more (like my mom did), but then others (like me) struggle with this.

 

I wonder if it's my age or what.  As you all know, it's hard work to get the kids ready for those responsibilities.  I usually don't have it in me.  I was better at it when my kids were little - they were ahead of the curve as far as self-care and many early skills like swimming and bike riding, which was obviously work for me to teach.  What happened since then ....

[JIN MOUSA]

When my son was grade school aged and his dad worked very long hours in academia, he became so concerned that his dad wasn't eating enough during the day that he took it upon himself to pack his lunches. It was actually a great learning experience for him and he felt very proud of his work. He would plan the meals and make a shopping list. Then he would prepare a sack lunch or two at a time and put them in our old fridge in the basement. He would often include sweet notes and drawings.

 

That's so sweet and thoughtful!

[Frances]

It's interesting how some working moms get their kids to do more (like my mom did), but then others (like me) struggle with this.

 

I wonder if it's my age or what. As you all know, it's hard work to get the kids ready for those responsibilities. I usually don't have it in me. I was better at it when my kids were little - they were ahead of the curve as far as self-care and many early skills like swimming and bike riding, which was obviously work for me to teach. What happened since then ....

Personally, I think it's easier when you're homeschooling, because at least when they are younger, you have so much more unhurried time compared to if they are in school. And lots of it can count as school! Not that I was actually tracking school hours or activities in the early years.

[Peaceseeker]

And yes it will feel easier to do it yourself for a long time. And it used to irritate me to train my kids how to do something new like clean the bathroom correctly because who has time for that, seriously??? But then suddenly you can tell them to go clean the bathroom and it looks decent. And you realize it was worth it. So then you teach them something else ;)

 

I am honestly not looking forward to teaching my kids to cook dinner this year. Not a bit. I hate cooking and I don't want to make it take any longer than it does. But my son likes to cook and is actually begging to learn. My daughter is less interested but a helpful soul by nature so she will learn too. And maybe a year from now I will start a thread called "My kid cooked dinner for everyone tonight for the first time without help!!" And then it will be so worth it.

[Frances]

And yes it will feel easier to do it yourself for a long time. And it used to irritate me to train my kids how to do something new like clean the bathroom correctly because who has time for that, seriously??? But then suddenly you can tell them to go clean the bathroom and it looks decent. And you realize it was worth it. So then you teach them something else ;)

 

I am honestly not looking forward to teaching my kids to cook dinner this year. Not a bit. I hate cooking and I don't want to make it take any longer than it does. But my son likes to cook and is actually begging to learn. My daughter is less interested but a helpful soul by nature so she will learn too. And maybe a year from now I will start a thread called "My kid cooked dinner for everyone tonight for the first time without help!!" And then it will be so worth it.

I don't really like cooking either, so having a child well trained in cooking is such a blessing. I didn't actually set out to directly teach my son. He was always fascinated by food and cooking, so naturally spent lots of time in the kitchen. He slowly took on responsibilities and tasks as he was able and interested. But I definitely hear you about it adding work and time at first. And after a certain age, he became the one teaching me some things.

 

And I don't really like grocery shopping either, but he loved it, so was always my motivator to get to it. Plus it was great having someone to help with bagging the groceries and loading and unloading the car. Now that he's grown and gone, my husband and I usually do the big shopping together.

[Peaceseeker]

So before I was chatting away here (hiding in my bedroom) I asked my daughter to do her one assigned chore of unloading the dishes and my son to walk the dog. My daughter knew I had an exhausting weekend at work and got up early for church today so I am just spent. She opted to load the dishes, straighten the house a bit and cleaned her room. My son (11) was not as ambitious but he did wash and dry his clothes as he realised he needed them for the week. Now they are both outside helping dad with some small projects and hanging out with him.

 

They are just a really amazing family. I don't know how I got so lucky. I feel really blessed and a lot less resentful about going to cook them up some yummy fried pork chops, Mac n cheese and green beans for dinner. (The answer to what's for dinner tonight!) If I had to do all those things first instead of resting a bit this afternoon I would be grumbling over the stove. Everyone helping just makes us a more peaceful and happy family.

[wintermom]

My dc seem to enjoy the power and freedom to be able to make their own breakfast and lunch. That way they get to decide what to eat and when to eat it. Pretty much as soon as their were physically able to put their own meals together, they did.

[Noreen Claire]

Same here. Although upon reflection, I think the level of involvement with the children is even more surprising. Even way back when I was growing up, my dad read to us, played sports with us, did chores and special projects with us, etc. I truly thought most dads in intact families, barring illness or extreme work schedules or other limitations I'm not thinking of, were extremely involved with their children. I learn something new almost every day on this board.

My dad paid the bills, got me to the bus, or drove me to school. I did not ask for, expect, or get any more than that. He took us camping, or on long car drives on weekends, but no bedtime stories, no hugs, no fun of any kind. He's not a generally happy guy. :-(

Edited July 23, 2017 by Noreen Claire

[Alice]

Dh and I both work part-time and stay home part-time. However, I am home much more than he is. We both are "do what needs to be done" people. Whoever is home does the work that needs to be done. Most mornings he is home for breakfast and I am working. He will start laundry, I will finish it later in the day. I probably do more household chores if we sat down and wrote them out because I'm home more but it's not like there are things that are my jobs and things that are his jobs. 

 

The kids are all capable of helping around the house and do help but I also like doing things for them when I can. Most days during the school year I will make lunch because they are working. But there are days when I'll be busy and ask one of them to do it. I like making them something for breakfast when I have the time, about 50% of the time. The rest of the time they are fine getting their own breakfasts. We don't do assigned chores but instead try to model the idea that we are all part of the family and the household runs better when we all work together. It works pretty well for us. 

 

As far as ages, my oldest was cooking simple things on the stove at 9 or 10. My youngest is 7 and can do things like eggs and grilled cheese and soup. But she is only allowed if an adult or the 13 year old is in the kitchen with her. I'd say all of them by age 6 were able to get themselves things like cereal, toast, fruit, yogurt for breakfast or to make a simple sandwich for lunch. They can all do the laundry, vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms, change sheets on the beds, etc. They don't do all those things all the time, but when asked they can do them. Part of it may be that I have a lower standard for clean than other people. :) I'm more of a pragmatist about cleaning than a perfectionist.