amyx4 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) So, I've not seen my parents in about 5 years. Since my golden child sister was 18 she's always lived more than a 10 hour drive away. Over the last 20 years, my sister comes into town yearly and stays with my parents for about a week. Sometimes she would stop to see me. Sometimes not. Usually visiting for less than an hour. I generally get 1-2 emails from her a year. I answer her emails. My parents travel to her yearly or more. She changed her mind about having kids and had her first at 40. So, last year she comes into town and wants me to see the baby. I ask her to come and visit at my house, come for food, etc., etc. She hasn't been in my home in 10 years. She picks for us to meet half-way at an ice cream stand. Reads all the ingredients and decides she cannot eat anything. So we sit at a picnic table where she mostly talks about herself. Makes ignorant comments about homeschooling. I kept the conversation light and fluffy. She snaps a pic of her child and my kids to post on facebook. Due to the picture, extended family ask me if I've reconciled with my parents. Sigh. She just emailed. She wants to meet up when she's in town. I'm sure she's here just to snap a pic of my kids to show my parents that we're still alive. Has anyone told the Golden Child to go take a flying leap? What happens? Edited July 20, 2017 by amyx4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Oh yes, my husband told his sister this many times until she finally got the message and no longer calls, emails, or attempts to visit. This is as it needs to be. She is too toxic for words. No. It is a complete sentence. You do not need to offer an explanation. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leav97 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 If you really want to meet her Don't allow a picture Don't bring the kids Report any pictures to Facebook My guess is she will stop asking to meet. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Chances are she will lash out. You can avoid if you're not into drama right now since she already lives across the country. You may not care about the repercussions, but if she's supremely annoying rather than evil, sometimes the easier way out is perfectly fine! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyx4 Posted July 20, 2017 Author Share Posted July 20, 2017 Chances are she will lash out. You can avoid if you're not into drama right now since she already lives across the country. You may not care about the repercussions, but if she's supremely annoying rather than evil, sometimes the easier way out is perfectly fine! She's supremely annoying but I always have this nagging feeling that she would like to lash out. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Seems like you have an easy out, just insist that she comes to your house. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) nm Edited August 14, 2017 by lllll 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I wouldn't bring the kids. If she asks, say you thought this was a sisters visit and besides you can't stay long. It would make it even more plausible if the kids truly had something to attend or people to be with. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 I wouldn't bring the kids. If she asks, say you thought this was a sisters visit and besides you can't stay long. It would make it even more plausible if the kids truly had something to attend or people to be with. I like that even better than my idea. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowbeltmom Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Has anyone told the Golden Child to go take a flying leap? What happens? Yep. What happens? He plays the innocent, hurt victim who is unable to understand what he could have possibly done to deserve being told to take a flying leap. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 (edited) Over the past year as I have struggled to put boundaries up with a golden child and the push back has been calculated and malicious to a degree I was not prepared for and the impact on my mental health has been noticable. If you push back, brace yourself. Think about how she can go, and assume that is best case scenerio. I would bring a strong (I do not mean physically) and supportive friend if you agree to meet and not allow pictures. You may not need someone, but better safe than sorry. Edited July 20, 2017 by Χά�ων 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEmama Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Yep. What happens? He plays the innocent, hurt victim who is unable to understand what he could have possibly done to deserve being told to take a flying leap. Oooooohhhhhhh yessss.... It's SO not worth it to me. Done and done. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Why do you want to bring your kids along for this meeting? The GC will always have stronger affinity to the parent than to your children or you. So, if you don't want her to file reports back to your NPD about your affairs and your kids, then keep the kids home. Leave them with your husband or a baby sitter etc. Or choose a time when they go to extracurricular classes to meet her. You don't have to tell the sister details. Just tell her that they could not make it this time. Go and meet her, have the light and fluffy chat with her and wish her well and move on. If she asks probing questions on behalf of the NPDs, say something bland like the kids are doing the "usual stuff" and they are "fine" and "busy". If you are at a point where you want to tell the Golden Child to take a flying leap, then you don't have to worry about the social niceties of bringing your kids along for a touchy, feely reunion with her. Go alone. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Yep. What happens? He plays the innocent, hurt victim who is unable to understand what he could have possibly done to deserve being told to take a flying leap. And if they have a firm enough hold on the rest of the family they will play the poor me card to such a extent that the person who stops taking the sh*t will be viewed as the bad guy. It goes like this: GC does multiple illegal things, one happens repeatedly for half a decade. Person (hi!) finds out and calls them out. Excuses and justifications fly. People buy it and start to emotionally manipulate those who call it out. Gaslighting happens. Person who calls it out stands firm and are then treated like the evil person because that person has excuses and refusal to agree with said excuses is cruel and things are twisted and suddenly the person who called it out, demanded it stop is black listed. And by black listed, I mean gets married and the entire family cannot be bothered to even texts a congrats or like the relationship status update on Facebook. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 Yep. What happens? He plays the innocent, hurt victim who is unable to understand what he could have possibly done to deserve being told to take a flying leap. This. But that is not a reason to continue to abide by the behavior or the intrusion of the person into your life. I would not go to a meeting or engage with such person at all. What we've found is that "throwing a bone", ie. even a brief meeting in a neutral place only throws oil on the fire. GC are also often easily manipulated by others in the family too. So the people you want zero contact with can be feeding the bear from the other side. It is a nasty mess, and I do not recommend getting together with this person. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 As I said in a previous thread, you don't have to give someone permission to hurt you. If you can be emotionally whole and steely around her, I'd go ahead and meet. I'm the type that might try it, but I'd make sure you have something you "must" go to at a certain time to limit it. I haven't seen the "golden child" in my life since 2011. It helps that we live across the country. We send cards and email, but that's how they like it. When they were in my area a few years ago on business, they didn't call. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Can you just be busy? I think telling her to take a flying leap is inviting a crud storm that serves no purpose. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Just say you aren't available at that time and move forward with your own happiness. <hugs> 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Can you just be busy? I think telling her to take a flying leap is inviting a crud storm that serves no purpose. "I'm sorry Suzy but we will be busy with school that day." "We have plans that we can't get out of for Wednesday." "We've got company in town. I could probably sneak away before the kids are up for a coffee on Friday but I'd have to be home by 8 am." "DH has something on the calendar that evening." "Bobby and Joe have Boy Scouts that evening so we won't be able to meet up." I know that "no" is a complete sentence but I'm such a people pleaser that I couldn't just say no. I can make vague plausible excuses all day long though. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 BTDT and my only regret was not COing golden child years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 (edited) You will be positioned as the villain no matter what you do. If you don't see her, you will be the villain. If you do see her, you will be the villain. If you bring your kids, ditto. If you don't bring your kids, ditto. At least to her and the NPD folks. So, there are two questions to ask yourself. First one is, what is the most true to yourself thing you can do? Second one is, what is the hardest thing to distort to the non-NPD folks that you could do? The first one is the more important of the two. Do you want this person in your house? If not, then it's great (albeit in an annoying way) that she never wants to meet there. Do you want her to see your kids and get pictures of them? If not, then don't bring them. You probably won't be able to prevent her from taking pictures if you bring them, phones being what they are now. Recognize, though, that she is trying to make this whole mess look 'normal', and if she doesn't succeed in seeing the kids and getting pictures she is probably going to be unreasonably angry about that. That doesn't mean that you should not do it, though. I don't know that I would mention that the kids are coming, either. I'd just go and meet up and say that they couldn't make it and change the subject. A cautionary tale: My NPD GC actually took my daughter out of sight while we were in public on a very crowded wharf, video taped her making a greeting of some sort to the NPD peeps, and never told me or even showed us the video. We thought she was kidnapped or drowned until she reappeared. That was when I said enough and made it stick. And all H** broke loose after that. But it was worth it, because that is just nuts. Second one is, how do you take the high ground with the non-NPD folks in the mix? This may or may not be possible, and it might not be worth your effort, but I encourage you to consider it. Edited July 21, 2017 by Carol in Cal. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I think you need to figure out if you are merely jealous of the golden child and/or is the golden child toxic? The former is something for you to overcome, and the latter is something for you to avoid. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I wouldn't bring my kids. I mostly don't now. I'm reeling from something hurtful from my sister, hurting myself and my daughter and playing the victim (she learned from the best sigh)... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I might make plans and leave town. Stay with friends, go camping, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 (edited) What Carol in CA said. With an npd, if you don't comply with their desired reality,.they get toxic. Best to distance oneself. My dc are young adults now. They have gone thru the phases,,,first thinking npd relatices were eccentric, then realizing the abuse and mental illness. The npds thinks they are perfectly righteous people so it never occurs to them that they are textbook.perfect examples of abuse, manipulation etc, and the dc have read the textbook in their high school health and psych classes. The npd go after dc and use them in their schemes, because life is all about the npd. In their world, no one else is a person, bc they don't have the circuits to be complete persons. Use or be used is their world, and they will never give up.their attempt to dominate as a user. Edited July 21, 2017 by Heigh Ho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 My dc are young adults now. They have gone thru the phases,,,first thinking npd relatives were eccentric, then realizing the abuse and mental illness. The npds thinks they are perfectly righteous people so it never occurs to them that they are textbook.perfect examples of abuse, manipulation etc, and the dc have read the textbook in their high school health and psych classes. The npd go after dc and use them in their schemes, because life is all about the npd. In their world, no one else is a person, bc they don't have the circuits to be complete persons. Use or be used is their world, and they will never give up.their attempt to dominate as a user. Yes, mine grew up with it in my mom, and I always explained in an age-appropriate way. I had them both take a solid psychology class their senior year. Sadly, both have been in therapy in the last two years here-and-there (as I have) because of another toxic individual, but thankfully they came from a place of knowing what was healthy thinking and what was not and when they needed help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I've fortunately not been in your position (nor has dh) but I agree with two pp's. Choice 1 - Don't bring the kids. Make excuses for why they couldn't come. Choice 2 - If you don't really want to meet up with her but don't want to look like the bad guy for saying no, insist she come to you. You'd love to meet up but you're just sooo busy you can't make the trip. You'd be happy to make time though if she can come to your house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 She just emailed. She wants to meet up when she's in town. I'm sure she's here just to snap a pic of my kids to show my parents that we're still alive. You already promised me that you'd visit me that week,whatever week it happens to be, so you are unavailable. Your kids as well, as they'll be with you. And if your dh needs to disappear to, he is welcome as well. Seriously, if you don't want to see her, don't. Disappear if you must. I have wine, always, to share, with any member of the Hive that needs/wants it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 Since I don't know the whole story...do your parents ever see your kids? If they know where you're at, they/GC can come see you. GC is just one more stressor you don't need in your life. Choose to be happy...they're the ones that are missing out on you, your dh, and kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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