Need More Advice Re: Neighbor Girl - Kay

[MommyLiberty5013]

Awhile back some of you gave some helpful advice when I discussed our next door neighbor, Kay. I have been putting some of that into practice and it is going quite well. She and my three play a lot and we had her over for dinner last night.

 

Here is a new development and I am seeking more help at crafting a good, kind phrase for Kay. I need help setting a new boundary.

 

We have three exterior doors: garage/mud room, front, and back/deck slider. When Kay comes to see if my kids can come out and play, she begins at the garage/mud door if the garage door is up. If no one answers (because we are busy, are not expecting visitors, cannot get to it, or do not want to answer it - oh maybe because we're pottying), she moves along to the front door and knocks. If no one answers there, she goes to the back/deck slider and peeks in and knocks more. There are a lot of windows on our main level, so unless one is in the laundry room or powder room, you get easily seen from the front and back/deck doors.

 

The trouble is like today, I was in the kitchen with my dad talking. Kay made her rounds on the doors and ended up at the back/deck slider. Well guess what, we're sitting right there at the kitchen table and she's watching us through the glass. Awkward.

 

I am not a person to block out sunlight for privacy, so I cannot just draw all the curtains and live in a cave. How do I kindly set the boundary that I do not want to be hunted down inside my own home because it is literally like that. She tends to put her face and hands to the glass and look in. Sometimes it has startled me.

 

Usually if I welcome visitors, like her, I leave up the garage door so she knows we are home and we are "open" to play or say "hi." However, there have been times when she knows we are home, but the garage door is down (because we are not open to play) and she hunts around the windows for us. And it's weird...it is like being IN a zoo.

 

Help?!

 

 

 

 

[Jyhwkmama]

"Kay, if the garage door is closed, we are busy and can't play. Do not bang on the other doors, just come back later when the garage door is open."

[Mimm]

Explain to her that sometimes you are home but are not available to visit. It's has nothing to do with her, but you are just busy. Ask that she knock on one particular door, and if no one answers, she needs to go home and not look through all the windows. She probably doesn't really how rude this is. :) But yeah, that would bother me a lot.

[KungFuPanda]

"Hey Kay, the back door is off limits. If we don't answer the front door it means we're busy and can't play right now. You should wait x hours before trying again. If we're free sooner, Sally will come and get you."

[zoobie]

Kay, if we don't answer, we either are not home or do not want visitors. Do not come to another door. If you come to another door, the answer will be no for the rest of the day. Try again tomorrow, hon.

[MommyLiberty5013]

Thanks! All good ideas. I will make up some variation of this.

[Jaybee]

The above answers are what I would do. I once told a little neighbor who was peeking in our windows, "It's not nice to look in people's windows," as we were living in student housing apartments, and the windows looked right into our living/dining/kitchen area. We had sheers over them (blinds at night), but needed the privacy of her not looking in whenever she walked by.

[gardenmom5]

I would also let her know the door she can knock on. . . if no one answers, it's not a good time/no one is home.  I'd let her know not to "make rounds".  and I wouldn't want her coming in the back/slider anyway! sheesh.

[Pen]

As others said, tell her one door you want her to use and how much to knock prior to going home and not trying again for x hours.

 

Another possibility might be that you could ask her to phone first to see if your kids can play.

[bolt.]

As she continues to do it, forget the "awkward" issue of feeling "caught" or feeling worried about Kay's perceptions.

 

Simply answer the glass door and say something clear and kind like, maybe, "Kay, honey, circling the house and knocking on lots of doors is against the rules. We are home, but we are too busy to play. That's why we didn't answer your knocking. Do you remember how to tell if it's a good play-time for us? Yes! The garage door. Next time if the garage door is closed, leave the other doors alone please."

[MommyLiberty5013]

As others said, tell her one door you want her to use and how much to knock prior to going home and not trying again for x hours.

 

Another possibility might be that you could ask her to phone first to see if your kids can play.

Great idea on the calling. Her grandma and I text each other sometimes about kid stuff. I could just ask her to text me before Kay walks over.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My neighbor and I put signs on our doors. "Ok to knock" and "not ok to knock."

 

You could put one on each door, and only put "ok to knock" on the garage or front door when it's ok to ask to play.

[Pen]

Great idea on the calling. Her grandma and I text each other sometimes about kid stuff. I could just ask her to text me before Kay walks over.

 

 

Good idea. And vice versa too: you could contact grandma when it IS a good time if Kay would like to come over.  

[Tanaqui]

My girls actually solved this problem with a friend by putting a sign on the door if they're not home, or if they're busy doing something and can't see friends! I had had no problem simply saying "Whoops, time to go", but they were tired of having to go down the stairs to say it.

 

(And yeah, explicitly tell her not to peek in the windows. She's young, but that's a rule that she's got to follow, because all of society expects her to follow it.)

Edited July 19, 2017 by Tanaqui

[OneStepAtATime]

I agree, pick one door she can knock on and ask her not to knock on any others or peer through windows.  The calling or texting ahead is good, too.  With communication, though, make sure the language is very clear, and you might walk her to the o.k. door and point it out directly.  Sometimes what you are saying and what a kid hears are vastly different.  Plus, sometimes what you are saying may not actually make it into long term memory.  Having the physical movement to the door may help with that.  Then ask her to repeat what you said and then ask her if she has any questions.  Hopefully that will clear it all up for her and make this much easier on you and the rest of the family.  :)

[Sneezyone]

On a happy note, I'm glad to see young Kay is responding to guidance/explicit instruction in social norms and you're seeing improvement!

[displace]

I'm not sure how close you are to her, or her age, but I may casually mention that it's not only impolite but can be super wrong to go to someone's back door. It's not a habit to ever get into, imo, unless there's an emergency. Crossing property to go to a back yard door can be seen by many people in a poor light (thinking of trespassing, property owners who have zero tolerance and guns, even normal dangers like dogs, etc).

[kiwik]

I was always told it was rude not to answer a knock on the door. Why not answer the door and tell her to come back x hours later? If she knows you are home going to the back door seems normal to me. Actually most houses I have lived in only the back door was used for non-strangers.

[Katy]

I was always told it was rude not to answer a knock on the door. Why not answer the door and tell her to come back x hours later? If she knows you are home going to the back door seems normal to me. Actually most houses I have lived in only the back door was used for non-strangers.

 

In some places (small towns) this is true.  In cities, it's not reasonable to expect people to go to the door 4 times an hour.   It's not rude if you live in an area with CONSTANT door to door sales and people who ignore no soliciting signs.  In our last home one day I counted.  Salespeople and religious people knocked on our door 17 times, despite a no-soliciting sign and a little sign that said what church we were members of.  These days we live in a town that will arrest people for trespassing if they ignore a no-soliciting sign.  And I got a sign from Amazon that spells out no soliciting, no sales, no religion, no politics, no polls, etc. It hangs right above the doorbell so it's very hard for people to claim they didn't see it. I usually answer the door here.

[Valley Girl]

We have three exterior doors: garage/mud room, front, and back/deck slider. When Kay comes to see if my kids can come out and play, she begins at the garage/mud door if the garage door is up. If no one answers (because we are busy, are not expecting visitors, cannot get to it, or do not want to answer it - oh maybe because we're pottying), she moves along to the front door and knocks. If no one answers there, she goes to the back/deck slider and peeks in and knocks more. There are a lot of windows on our main level, so unless one is in the laundry room or powder room, you get easily seen from the front and back/deck doors.

 

 

I agree with posters who say to tell Kay she may use one and only one door. But I think you may be inadvertently sending mixed signals. If I read correctly, you put the garage door up if the kids are available to play. But earlier you said she starts at the garage door, but you don't answer. If you're leaving the garage door up to signal it's OK to come over but not answering the door at times, that's confusing. If that's what's happening, I'd make sure the garage door is down when you don't want to be bothered so signals aren't getting crossed.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was always told it was rude not to answer a knock on the door. Why not answer the door and tell her to come back x hours later? If she knows you are home going to the back door seems normal to me. Actually most houses I have lived in only the back door was used for non-strangers.

A random knock from someone unexpected is like a telemarketer on the phone. I don't think that it is rude to ignore it. However, in our city it could be someone testing to see if someone is home so that they could break in. So I do answer - but from the adjacent window so I can see if it is safe to open the door. I don't want someone forcing their way in. (I don't live in fear. It's just the reality of city life. I see it as a "better safe than sorry " thing. )

[mellifera33]

I was always told it was rude not to answer a knock on the door. Why not answer the door and tell her to come back x hours later? If she knows you are home going to the back door seems normal to me. Actually most houses I have lived in only the back door was used for non-strangers.

 

This must be a cultural difference. Maybe I'm a hyper-American, "I'm an island" type, but I think it's rude to bother me by knocking on my door when I'm not expecting someone, unless the knocker has a very good reason.  :lol:  I have been known to ignore solicitors even when my kids are in the window, waving at them. I might even yell down from an upstairs window, "I don't answer the door to strangers! Don't bother waiting, not gonna happen!" 

[JFSinIL]

We have a set of neighbors whose boy would, if no one answered a knock on the door, walk across the front porch and peer in the living room windows.  Had to tell him NOT acceptable and he stopped.

 

Few months later, I am sitting nursing #4 in living room, so do not get up for a knock at the door.  Then the DAD from across the street came onto the porch to peer in the window - we made eye contact and he froze, horrified, at my Death Glare.

 

Last time he pulled that stunt!  But now I know where the little boy had learned it. 

Edited July 19, 2017 by JFSinIL

[JFSinIL]

A random knock from someone unexpected is like a telemarketer on the phone. I don't think that it is rude to ignore it. However, in our city it could be someone testing to see if someone is home so that they could break in. So I do answer - but from the adjacent window so I can see if it is safe to open the door. I don't want someone forcing their way in. (I don't live in fear. It's just the reality of city life. I see it as a "better safe than sorry " thing. )

 

And I make sure my large dog is with me, he is a friendly Lab but if some stranger tried to come in, he'd dash past me barking up a storm.   I always have to tell him when it is a plumber etc. "Okay, Captain, I am letting this nice man in it is ok I said so."  Then he wags the tail and wants attention from his New Best Friend.

[Katy]

We have a set of neighbors whose boy would, if no one answered a knock on the door, walk across the front porch and peer in the living room windows.  Had to tell him NOT acceptable and he stopped.

 

Few months later, I am sitting nursing #4 in living room, so do not get up for a knock at the door.  Then the DAD from across the street came onto the porch to peer in the window - we made eye contact and he froze, horrified, at my Death Glare.

 

Last time he pulled that stunt!  But now I know where the little boy had learned it. 

 

Ha!  One of my friends had something like this happen, her neighbor rang the bell then peeped in to see her breastfeeding her newborn, topless.  I think she answered the door with something like, "Do I need to call the police to report you as a peeping tom, or do you have a good reason to be here?"  The guy had always been rude before that, but afterwards he was both kind and avoided her.

[MommyLiberty5013]

I was always told it was rude not to answer a knock on the door. Why not answer the door and tell her to come back x hours later? If she knows you are home going to the back door seems normal to me. Actually most houses I have lived in only the back door was used for non-strangers.

I live in the country. But if I'm not expecting anyone, and I'm busy then I ignore the door, which is my choice since it's my house. Our mail lady has a specific knock, so I open for her and so does Kay.

 

It's like phone calls, if I don't know the number, I don't answer. If it's a real reason to reach me they leave a voice mail. If anyone real came to my door for a real reason, I'd know ahead of time they were coming. And if Kay comes at an inopportune time, I do ignoreots of times I don't have a choice...my four kids are 7 and under. It is not rude not to answer.

[catz]

I was always told it was rude not to answer a knock on the door. Why not answer the door and tell her to come back x hours later? If she knows you are home going to the back door seems normal to me. Actually most houses I have lived in only the back door was used for non-strangers.

 

Heck to the no.  It's rude if you invite someone over and don't answer the door.  If someone unexpectedly knocks on my door, no, I'm under no obligation to answer.  I live in an urban neighborhood with regular solicitors.  Sometimes we're homeschooling, sometimes I'm not appropriately dressed, sometimes I'm on the phone, in the bathroom, etc.  I don't care whether they know I'm home or not. 

 

I think it is far more rude that this unsupervised kid is making her way around your house and peeking in the windows.  And I'd have no problem telling her she wouldn't be welcome for a few days if she does that again.  I'd inform her and her parents/guardians of what the clear signal is that she's welcome. 

[catz]

As others said, tell her one door you want her to use and how much to knock prior to going home and not trying again for x hours.

 

Another possibility might be that you could ask her to phone first to see if your kids can play.

 

I actually did ask a neighbor kid to call first at one point when my daughter was younger.  A good friend lived up the street and would stop down regularly.  But if we were schooling or whatever and I had to say no, my dd would lose it on me.  I liked this other girl quite a lot but it was just too distracting having her knocking on the door when there was probably a 50/50 chance dd could play.  It went way better once she started calling. 

 

I would set your boundary however you are most comfortable and have a consequence like she won't be welcome for a day or 2 if she doesn't honor your boundary. 

[barnwife]

This must be a cultural difference. Maybe I'm a hyper-American, "I'm an island" type, but I think it's rude to bother me by knocking on my door when I'm not expecting someone, unless the knocker has a very good reason.  :lol:  I have been known to ignore solicitors even when my kids are in the window, waving at them. I might even yell down from an upstairs window, "I don't answer the door to strangers! Don't bother waiting, not gonna happen!" 

 

Wait...why is it rude for someone to knock on your door?

 

That genuinely puzzles me. I mean, is it rude for people to call you?

 

To me those are equivalent. Now, whether or not you answer/acknowledge a phone call or knock is totally up to you. But merely knocking or calling isn't rude. (Disclaimer: Telemarketers, solicitors, etc...are in a special category. They need to just disappear. I am referring to friends/acquaintances.)

 

OP, I would do as others have suggested. Teach her exactly what is allowed. Which door(s) can she knock on? Is it only okay to knock when the garage door is up? And then if she makes a mistake, she has to go home for the day.