What age range do you consider ideal for DC's marriage?

[Ginevra]

It's so surprising to me to see how many of my DD's friends are getting engaged or married already. (DD is 20.) Mt daughter has remained in a relationship with the same young man since they were early teens. What annoys me (and her) is that "everybody" seems to think that, since they appear to be a good match, they should be getting engaged any day now. DD is in no hurry to get engaged or married, even though she does assume it will be this guy whenever it does happen. She has plans to finish her degree and do some other things before getting engaged. (Which suits me fine, because I think the same way.)

 

So, assuming your child meets a suitable mate, when would you ideally want them to get married? And yes, I realize what we hope for and what they do could be different things; answer for what you would like, even if that is not what happened/is happening.

 

This poll is anonymous and multiple choice is allowed if it varies with your children. If your child cannot legally *marry*, answer in terms of permanent committment to a partner.

 

Eta: sorry fixed ages

Edited July 18, 2017 by Quill

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't have a slot in mind.  I'm thinking over 25. 

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

I'm less concerned about age and rather more concerned about their financial state. Money creates options. Otherwise, before her ovaries declare the intention to cut down from full time to casual.

[Guest]

I'm less concerned about age and rather more concerned about their financial state. Money creates options. Otherwise, before her ovaries declare the intention to cut down from full time to casual.

I added a choice to reflect this.

[EmseB]

Assuming it was a good match, sooner rather than later.

 

I know most people these days don't agree, and it's all based on my experience and what I've seen in my life vis a vis my friends and how my values have changed over the years, but I wish I had spent my formative years of 19-22 as a married person rather than living on my own. Especially since my now husband and I were dating at the time and basically just waiting for when people would find it socially acceptable for us to get married (although there were other factors too).

 

I wish we had married sooner, had kids sooner...all those things that people tell you that you need to go out and "experience life" before you get "tied down."

 

So I don't have an age, but I wouldn't want my kids to delay in order to fulfill some kind of vision of having to do things as a single person first.

 

(My perspective only, not a commentary on your DD or her or anyone else's ideals)

Edited July 18, 2017 by EmseB

[MEmama]

I'm quite sure this question --like so many on the board! -- would have never crossed my mind. Lol.

 

I could care less about age and only hope his partner is suitable, a real soul mate and best friend.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My parents married young and I can't tell you how many times they told me this was a huge mistake.  They got along quite well and were well matched, but they said it was just ridiculously hard.  Of course a huge factor is money.  They didn't have any.  Didn't help they both had illnesses either.  Also did not help that they had children way too soon.  Yeah probably adding children to the mix makes it harder (if you have no money).  The married young part alone probably isn't the major difficulty in and of itself.

 

 

[3 ladybugs]

Talking about my children, I want them to be older. I got married at 27 and DH was 28 and that seems about right. Yeah it is a pain with fertility potentially, but before that time both DH and I were not ready for marriage. You change so much between 18 and 25 and I want my children to have a life BEFORE they get married. Going into a marriage having lived on their own (or in my case I was a live in nanny for a while and had to pay my own bills) makes one a better person and more prepared for marriage. Yes there are steps parents can make to make one prepared for life outside the nest, but it is better when they don't have the security of you watching over their shoulder. I just heard a pod cast on this by Matt Walsh. I don't always agree with him but I think he was spot on with his pod cast. 

[Guest]

I'm quite sure this question --like so many on the board! -- would have never crossed my mind. Lol.

 

I could care less about age and only hope his partner is suitable, a real soul mate and best friend.

Really? There's no difference in your mind if they are 18-19 and still in college/doing career training vs. they are 28 and one or both parties owns a home?

 

Fascinating.

[regentrude]

Ideally, after they have finished at least their undergraduate education. Mid twenties.

[SereneHome]

Where I am from people got married really early.  My mom was considered "old" when she got married a week shy of her 26th Bday.  When I was 26 the thought of marriage made me twitch. 

 

That being said - I think mid to late 20's is good age bc I think people change a lot 18-25 (generalization).  By 26-27 I think they more settle into who they are.  

 

I wish I still had the 20s that I had, but started having kids about 5 yrs earlier than I did. 

 

Also for me money matters a lot and I don't know if I could ever marry someone who didn't know where he was going financially. 

[mytwomonkeys]

Age isn't really a factor. My daughter is almost 16 and hasn't dated anyone. My son is 13 and hasn't dated either. I'd assume they will be older and in college or graduated from college before they get married. But I have no idea honestly.

 

I can tell you I wouldn't let either of my kids get married under 18 though.

[Guest]

Assuming it was a good match, sooner rather than later.

 

I know most people these days don't agree, and it's all based on my experience and what I've seen in my life vis a vis my friends and how my values have changed over the years, but I wish I had spent my formative years of 19-22 as a married person rather than living on my own. Especially since my now husband and I were dating at the time and basically just waiting for when people would find it socially acceptable for us to get married (although there were other factors too).

 

I wish we had married sooner, had kids sooner...all those things that people tell you that you need to go out and "experience life" before you get "tied down."

 

So I don't have an age, but I wouldn't want my kids to delay in order to fulfill some kind of vision of having to do things as a single person first.

 

(My perspective only, not a commentary on your DD our her or anyone else's ideals)

The bolded is interesting. If you would like to share, why do you think this?

 

P.S. I really appreciate your parting comment.

[creekland]

I got married at age 20 (3 weeks shy of 21), hubby was 23.  It worked out very well for us and we're super glad we got married sooner rather than later - more time to enjoy together!  My oldest got married right after his junior year of college, so had just turned 21.

 

I like early 20s and consider those ages ideal, but... of course it depends upon when they find someone perfect for them.  That's not always early.  I'd rather they be sure they like someone than reach a certain age and feel like they "must" get married.

[elegantlion]

It depends. I had so many ideals of what married people were supposed to do, settle down, buy a house, etc...that marriage kind of changed who I was/thought I should be. I was 25 when I married ex. I know those expectations are mostly all on me, but that was the examples I had around me. 

 

So I voted between 26-35. I want ds to have a good idea of who/what he is before getting married. I want him to find someone that he can merge his existing life into, not try to conform to what they think marriage actually is. I'd like him to travel more, as would he, before marriage. Because of his trajectory in life and personality, I can see him waiting until later in that range.

 

I am not opposed to him living with someone long term either in lieu of marriage or before marriage. My views on marriage are no longer traditional. 

[PrincessMommy]

There are always exceptions to the rule but I would prefer sometime between 24-30... preferably closer to 24 mainly because of fertility.  I married young and it was a mistake.  My daughter married young and I think she will regret that when she's about 40 (she also started having kids before she was done with her post-grad degree - so that is also a factor in my opinion).  

[Guest]

Ideally, after they have finished at least their undergraduate education. Mid twenties.

This is a big part of my thinking, too...I wonder about parental financial support through college if one's kid is already married? I don't envision financially supporting my kids when they are married.

[Guest]

It depends. I had so many ideals of what married people were supposed to do, settle down, buy a house, etc...that marriage kind of changed who I was/thought I should be. I was 25 when I married ex. I know those expectations are mostly all on me, but that was the examples I had around me.

 

So I voted between 26-35. I want ds to have a good idea of who/what he is before getting married. I want him to find someone that he can merge his existing life into, not try to conform to what they think marriage actually is. I'd like him to travel more, as would he, before marriage. Because of his trajectory in life and personality, I can see him waiting until later in that range.

 

I am not opposed to him living with someone long term either in lieu of marriage or before marriage. My views on marriage are no longer traditional.

Mine either. I don't really advertise this to my kids, but...yeah. I'm not terribly concerned about the legal paperwork and I don't have a belief system that is concerned about the sacrament religiously.

[PrincessMommy]

This is a big part of my thinking, too...I wonder about parental financial support through college if one's kid is already married? I don't envision financially supporting my kids when they are married.

 

 

Also, there's less chance they will finish.  At least if my own experience is any indication.  Babies happen.   :P

[Guest]

Also, there's less chance they will finish. At least if my own experience is any indication. Babies happen. :P

Yes, and I think the "danger" of quitting is exponentially higher for females.

[elegantlion]

The bolded is interesting. If you would like to share, why do you think this?

 

P.S. I really appreciate your parting comment.

 

I agree with this so I'll my reason. I have never lived truly alone and when ex and I separated it was the first time I had been solely responsible for an entire household. I never wanted an apartment with other girlfriends and other opportunities to live alone fell apart. 

 

For me, I could have discovered a bit of who I was, how I handled things like emergencies on my own, felt more independent instead of dependent, probably eaten better, and learned how to structure my free time without others involved. I could have decorated the way I wanted. Just so many little things that I believe would have added to my confidence and overall self-esteem. 

 

I'm going to be moving for graduate school (not sure where yet). I've been looking at studio apartments online in possibly cities and it's so fun to consider that I may get to live alone for a couple of years (then I'll move back to my mom and ds). 

 

I would have been a different person had I made sure to develop some independence of my own before marriage. I had my own car, credit cards, etc. I just didn't have my apartment. 

[Carrie12345]

Really? There's no difference in your mind if they are 18-19 and still in college/doing career training vs. they are 28 and one or both parties owns a home?

 

Fascinating.

 

It really doesn't matter to me.

I mean, I'm assuming my kids are hypothetically not in a partying, irresponsible, and/or aimless stage when they decide they want to get married.  I don't attach numbers to that.  I don't believe one needs to complete post-high school ed/training in order to have a successful marriage (I still don't have that,) nor do they need to own property to do so. (Plenty of long-time married couples do not own homes.)

 

I know amazing 18yos and questionable 50yos. Age is irrelevant, imo.  (Though I do secretly hope they'll avoid age-based fertility complications in case they have the desire to create children.)

[BlsdMama]

It's so surprising to me to see how many of my DD's friends are getting engaged or married already. (DD is 20.) Mt daughter has remained in a relationship with the same young man since they were early teens. What annoys me (and her) is that "everybody" seems to think that, since they appear to be a good match, they should be getting engaged any day now. DD is in no hurry to get engaged or married, even though she does assume it will be this guy whenever it does happen. She has plans to finish her degree and do some other things before getting engaged. (Which suits me fine, because I think the same way.)

 

So, assuming your child meets a suitable mate, when would you ideally want them to get married? And yes, I realize what we hope for and what they do could be different things; answer for what you would like, even if that is not what happened/is happening.

 

This poll is anonymous and multiple choice is allowed if it varies with your children. If your child cannot legally *marry*, answer in terms of permanent committment to a partner.

 

Eta: sorry fixed ages

So, ideally, I'd like to see my kids finish their bachelor's degree before marriage.  I got married at nineteen with zero regrets, but I wish I had gotten a degree before a baby.  It's silly.  It's not even like I want to DO anything with the piece of paper necessarily, just wish I had it.  

 

That said, my personal beliefs are that it is incredibly hard to be in love with someone, know you are going to spend the rest of your life with them, and not enter into a physical relationship.  I think drawing that out for years and years is just SO hard, not that it can't be done, but wow. Difficult.  So, in theory, with no significant other on the horizon, I'd say 23-25.  But, if there is someone special and they are a great fit and have been dating for at  least a year and can support themselves?  Tomorrow.  We really put a lot of pressure on our DD to wait to get married until after her Bachelor's and we had hoped until after her Master's.  That physical aspect came into play.  In our belief system to have a physical relationship before marriage commitment is defrauding.  So, truly, we put so many restrictions that they felt marriage was incredibly far away.  At forty it's easy to say, "Meh, what's four years?"  But a young couple who want to begin their lives together?  That's a very long time.

 

And, here's the funny thing.  My oldest is now married, now with her first DS, and she is finishing up her last semester of school.  She'll have her bachelor's.  The Masters program she is considering is a year on campus and a year online with occasional meetings IRL.  Her plan is to wait until her DH is finished with his school and then go back.  We'll be more than happy to help with child care.  Is it harder this way?  Yes, I think so.  They have to go to school and financially support a family.  The struggle is real.  Her classes to finish are online this semester and so she will care for two other children while staying home with her own.  He will be working on a difficult school schedule AND working.  DH and I did pretty much the same the thing and it was HARD and I wanted them to not have to work so hard.  But, in retrospect, it was GOOD for us to pull together and do hard things.  

 

Just $0.02 from a mama with a now married kiddo and has had a lot of thoughts of what I was sure of and now what I would do far more different than I would have thought...........

[PrincessMommy]

So, ideally, I'd like to see my kids finish their bachelor's degree before marriage.  I got married at nineteen with zero regrets, but I wish I had gotten a degree before a baby.  It's silly.  It's not even like I want to DO anything with the piece of paper necessarily, just wish I had it.  

 

That said, my personal beliefs are that it is incredibly hard to be in love with someone, know you are going to spend the rest of your life with them, and not enter into a physical relationship.  I think drawing that out for years and years is just SO hard, not that it can't be done, but wow. Difficult.  So, in theory, with no significant other on the horizon, I'd say 23-25.  But, if there is someone special and they are a great fit and have been dating for at  least a year and can support themselves?  Tomorrow.  We really put a lot of pressure on our DD to wait to get married until after her Bachelor's and we had hoped until after her Master's.  That physical aspect came into play.  In our belief system to have a physical relationship before marriage commitment is defrauding.  So, truly, we put so many restrictions that they felt marriage was incredibly far away.  At forty it's easy to say, "Meh, what's four years?"  But a young couple who want to begin their lives together?  That's a very long time.

 

And, here's the funny thing.  My oldest is now married, now with her first DS, and she is finishing up her last semester of school.  She'll have her bachelor's.  The Masters program she is considering is a year on campus and a year online with occasional meetings IRL.  Her plan is to wait until her DH is finished with his school and then go back.  We'll be more than happy to help with child care.  Is it harder this way?  Yes, I think so.  They have to go to school and financially support a family.  The struggle is real.  Her classes to finish are online this semester and so she will care for two other children while staying home with her own.  He will be working on a difficult school schedule AND working.  DH and I did pretty much the same the thing and it was HARD and I wanted them to not have to work so hard.  But, in retrospect, it was GOOD for us to pull together and do hard things.  

 

Just $0.02 from a mama with a now married kiddo and has had a lot of thoughts of what I was sure of and now what I would do far more different than I would have thought...........

 

I get it.  I'm the same way.  So, now at 53 I'm working towards that paper.  

[MEmama]

Really? There's no difference in your mind if they are 18-19 and still in college/doing career training vs. they are 28 and one or both parties owns a home?

 

Fascinating.

Eh. DH and I started dating when I was 19; we moved across country together the following year. I was 22 when we got married, but we only waited on the wedding because of weird family stuff. We already were married in our hearts.

 

I'm sure my parents thought it was a huge mistake, but it's been 23 years and I am the only one of their kids to have a family (any kind of commitment at all in fact). I think we did just fine. :).

 

I actually love that we grew up together in a sense; we had so much freedom to explore and travel and move around before deciding g on kids. There was a never a clock, or the sense that we had to have everything else in order ASAP. We just got to have loads of fun together before starting the career/buying the first house/starting a family. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I guess that's why it doesn't matter to me--do what's right, when it's right. â¤ï¸

[BlsdMama]

This is a big part of my thinking, too...I wonder about parental financial support through college if one's kid is already married? I don't envision financially supporting my kids when they are married.

 

 

Think of the curiousity of this though. ;)

 

It has to be cultural, no?

 

We aren't in a great place to support our older kids through school right now with all the medical stuff.  DD went on full scholarship and lived at home so we had no support other than providing room/board.  DS has full tuition covered but wants to live on campus so he is covering that through work and minimal loans.   BUT, here's the thing - if you as parents find the degree valuable for your child to have and can financially help with the college tuition burden, does it matter if they are married or not?  If the end goal is the degree and the tuition being paid is helpful/useful to your adult child, does that change with vows?

 

Something to think on.  I think the boundary of paying for that degree or not is purely a cultural mindset.

[AnniePoo]

They need to finish undergrad first. Honestly I'm more concerned about the timing of their first baby than the age of marriage.

[MEmama]

Babies happen. :P

Yes, but babies aren't marriage dependent. ;)

[Guest]

This is a big part of my thinking, too...I wonder about parental financial support through college if one's kid is already married? I don't envision financially supporting my kids when they are married.

If you're going to pay for college, what difference does it make if their married or not? Assuming if they're mature enough to afford marriage (meaning being able to afford housing) I don't know why that would cause a parent to withdraw paying tuition and books. I don't make that if/then statement.

 

We WILL pay for our kids school assuming we are in our current financial situation or better, whether they're married or not. One is already paid. If she chose to get married I wouldn't take that support away.

 

I fall on the side of better early than late (assuming appropriate partner). It comes with less baggage, fewer fertility issues and more opportunity imo. But I do feel the most important part is showing them what makes a good spouse. Not just letting them depend on "fate". I feel like too many parents and adults worry about things like if the 20 something have enough money, security and jobs and not enough on coaching what actually goes into making a suitable marriage partner. There are a lot of poor choices out there making six figures in their 20's at stable companies. Doesn't mean they're a good choice, iykwim.

[MEmama]

Think of the curiousity of this though. ;)

 

It has to be cultural, no?

 

We aren't in a great place to support our older kids through school right now with all the medical stuff. DD went on full scholarship and lived at home so we had no support other than providing room/board. DS has full tuition covered but wants to live on campus so he is covering that through work and minimal loans. BUT, here's the thing - if you as parents find the degree valuable for your child to have and can financially help with the college tuition burden, does it matter if they are married or not? If the end goal is the degree and the tuition being paid is helpful/useful to your adult child, does that change with vows?

 

Something to think on. I think the boundary of paying for that degree or not is purely a cultural mindset.

It is extremely important to DH and I that we help DS with college costs as much as possible. We hope to pay his way entirely. Him being married wouldn't change that for us at all--the whole idea is to ensure he has a financially stable start to his adult life; all the more important if there's a spouse involved.

[MommyLiberty5013]

I said 26-35 too. DH was 29. I was 25, nearly 26.

 

The schooling/training aspect is important. But I also believe that these years are great for travel, living on ones own, and doing things (while supporting oneself) to be an adult...budgeting, saving, getting plugged into church, and etc..

 

Yes you can learn these at any time, but it's amazing the mental maturity between many 18 versus older 20s. Not all, but many.

[Sherry in OH]

Over age 23.  My preference is that my children complete at least an undergraduate degree and be gainfully employed before considering marriage.  If the child plans for an advanced degree, I would encourage him to earn that before marriage as well.  

[marbel]

Well, I have been married twice; the first time was too early, and the second time was later than I would have liked.  Somewhere in the middle would have been... yeah, I'm going to say it... just right.

 

I am glad I had some time to live on my own, work supporting myself, be independent, etc.  But I had a little too much time  (married at 39, kids at 41 and 42) and though I am overall happy with the way things turned out (good marriage, kids who seem to be progressing well if a little slowly for my taste) it would have been better if that had happened 10 years earlier.  The fact that there was no one to marry 10 years earlier is the sticking point.  :-)

 

For my kids I would say after college/career training, and settled into a career.  I would want them to be able to live on their own, independently of me.  I'm not a fan of young married couples living with parents.  I think once a couple is established, if it works out best to have a multi-generational household, that's great.  But for starting out, I think the  young couple needs independence, privacy, etc. to get on their feet as a unit. I've known of a few marriages that ended before they even really got started because of marrying too early and having to live with parents/siblings.  

 

 

[regentrude]

This is a big part of my thinking, too...I wonder about parental financial support through college if one's kid is already married? I don't envision financially supporting my kids when they are married.

 

Marital status makes a difference for the FAFSA. They are no longer considered dependents, and their own income and assets are considered. That can be advantageous.

 

As for the bolded:  if I am able to assist my kids with their educational expenses, I will. Whether they are married or not makes no difference.

What if they were to go back to school later in life? 

Edited July 18, 2017 by regentrude

[regentrude]

Also, there's less chance they will finish.  At least if my own experience is any indication.  Babies happen.   

 

It does not require marriage for babies to happen.

 

[Guest]

Marital status makes a difference for the FAFSA. They are no longer considered dependents, and their own income and assets are considered. That can be advantageous.

 

As for the bolded: if I am able to assist my kids with their educational expenses, I will. Whether they are married or not makes no difference.

What if they were to go back to school later in life?

What is FAFSA?

[teachermom2834]

Where I live people marry very early. I find that the group that does not attend college gets engaged shortly after high school and homeschoolers seem to get engaged within the first year or two of college. We live in town with a Christian university with a reputation of "ring by spring " so engagements and marriages happen quickly and seem to be culturally encouraged. My ds who was dual enrolled had one professor that kept telling them they were there for an education and not to freak out of they didn't find their mate right away.

 

I don't know how I feel about that. I still find it jarring every time I hear of an impending wedding of the under 21 crowd but I can see how it works for people if education isn't a consideration.

 

I would be really surprised for my own to marry before a completed undergrad. They date but they still remain pretty self centered in terms of pursuing their own goals. My 19 yo finds it shocking his homeschool peers are starting to get engaged and married. He is no where close to that.

 

My dh and I married at 21- the weekend after college graduation. Things would have definitely been better if we had waited a couple years to get settled and grow up a little. We've talked to ours about that.

Edited July 18, 2017 by teachermom2834

[mytwomonkeys]

I would be more concerned about how long they've dated, how well they know each other, what kind of future they were actually planning, can they afford to support themselves, how mature are they, what kind of temper, character and work ethic do they have, etc. I've told my kids many times, "Love who you marry but don't just marry for love".

 

Someone upthread pointed out some adults that are 50 shouldn't get married, while a young adult may be fully capable of handling it. That is SO true!

 

On another note, I got married when I was almost 29. We caught a lot of slack for being together only 10 months before marrying. so sometimes being older with a college degree can still have its own problems too. My only regret was not marrying him sooner. That was a long ten months!

[Pawz4me]

I voted for both 26-30 and age is not a primary consideration. I know that sounds like a bit of a contradiction. My #1 hope is that they have their undergraduate degree and be established in a career before getting married. So certainly in theory that could occur before 26 (thus age isn't a primary consideration). OTOH most of the successful, long term, get along very well with little to no discord marriages I know of have all occurred when the people involved were over 25. Note I'm not saying "all" -- of course I do know people who married young and have sailed through married life with few problems. But I mostly see that happening in couples who were a bit older.

[regentrude]

I prefer my kids get to know their prospective spouse really well before entering a legally binding agreement that is expensive to dissolve.

DH and I started dating when I was 18, our first year in college. Because of visa reasons, we married shortly before my 25th birthday, when we were close to finishing grad school - otherwise, we might have married even later.

One can be in a committed long term relationship without that piece of paper. 

Edited July 18, 2017 by regentrude

[Guest]

Think of the curiousity of this though. ;)

 

It has to be cultural, no?

 

We aren't in a great place to support our older kids through school right now with all the medical stuff. DD went on full scholarship and lived at home so we had no support other than providing room/board. DS has full tuition covered but wants to live on campus so he is covering that through work and minimal loans. BUT, here's the thing - if you as parents find the degree valuable for your child to have and can financially help with the college tuition burden, does it matter if they are married or not? If the end goal is the degree and the tuition being paid is helpful/useful to your adult child, does that change with vows?

 

Something to think on. I think the boundary of paying for that degree or not is purely a cultural mindset.

Yes, it's cultural, of course, but so is not pairing up until 10+ years beyond biological maturity. I mean, in one sense, our whole societal structure of when it is "normal" to part from the FOO and create one's own family *is* cultural.

 

My general feeling is: once you start your own family, you are independant of your FOO. In my own life, this was simple, because I lived in my own apartment, worked at a job FT, had my own health insurance, and paid for my own car before I got married. There was nothing lingering, no strings my parents still held, yk?

 

Now - having said that. When things get a little screwy with the "order" - baby is coming before antiicpated or some such thing - okay, you work out a plan. And no, I would definitely not want to just pull out all supports tomorrow because the order got messed up. But I don't want my DC to think that married or not, children yet or not, the parental financial supports is just the same and they can be married but still financially dependant upon us.

 

But I also have a different view of pre-marital physical relationship than you do, so we aren't going to see that the same way. 😊

[regentrude]

What is FAFSA?

 

Free Application for Federal Student Aid.

It calculates financial aid for college students.

[Guest]

Think of the curiousity of this though. ;)

 

It has to be cultural, no?

 

We aren't in a great place to support our older kids through school right now with all the medical stuff. DD went on full scholarship and lived at home so we had no support other than providing room/board. DS has full tuition covered but wants to live on campus so he is covering that through work and minimal loans. BUT, here's the thing - if you as parents find the degree valuable for your child to have and can financially help with the college tuition burden, does it matter if they are married or not? If the end goal is the degree and the tuition being paid is helpful/useful to your adult child, does that change with vows?

 

Something to think on. I think the boundary of paying for that degree or not is purely a cultural mindset.

I think you're on to something. It's definitely got to be cultural and maybe even socioeconomic. Wealthy people, from what we have observed, continue to support their children long into adulthood. That's how wealth gets accumulated in many instances and college is definitely at the beginning of that path. That's how young people start businesses in many cases. Not saying all, but probably a majority wouldn't be far off.

 

The whole "you're on your own," mentality seems to be more of a middle/upper-middle/and perhaps lower-upper class thing. I think there is a bit of romanticized notion there of the empires built from scratch, or "I started from nothing." Most of the truly wealthy aren't starting from scratch and are supported whether married or not. Their "starting from nothing," was more likely a paid for degree or two and a 1-2 million dollar starter loan from Dad.

[lavender's green]

Mainly I'd want them to be self-supporting (or at least attitude of it, with a job offer in hand), preferably with one partner able to support a family if a baby comes along sooner than expected. There's a wide variety of ages at which that can happen. I'm going to make sure my kids know all about a certain relative who was 9 months pregnant and up on her feet working long hours in a coffee shop, and back to work 6 weeks post-partum, while her husband flunked out of one college, then dropped out of another, so that he could play video games day and night with his friends in her parent's basement, whose house they were living in to save money.

 

I also hope they'll have some idea of who they are and who their partner is before marriage. Self-knowledge is a journey and there's nothing wrong with taking a lifetime to figure out who you are....but at least be on the right path first. I don't know how you can know who's right for you without that.

 

DH and I married at 22, which was perfect for us. I almost wish it had been sooner, but we weren't quite in a position to support ourselves yet. We both had some independent time, traveled alone, worked, etc, before marriage, yet we have grown up together. I'm sure I'd be a very selfish person today if I had spent years thinking about "me, me, me" all day. We've passively formed each other (which is not everyone's cup of tea, but it is ours, so I'm not arguing the point with anyone).

 

But again, what works for us doesn't work for everyone. I know another couple who got married around the same age and time, and she's now on her second marriage. The relatives I mentioned in the first paragraph were older than us when they got married, and...let's just say it's sad.

[Guest]

Marital status makes a difference for the FAFSA. They are no longer considered dependents, and their own income and assets are considered. That can be advantageous.

 

As for the bolded: if I am able to assist my kids with their educational expenses, I will. Whether they are married or not makes no difference.

What if they were to go back to school later in life?

I thought for FAFSA it would be better to be a single independant than married. I guess I see what you're saying if you are married and marital income is lower than what the parents would have had. My parents were so poor, it would have been (I think) a huge advantage if I had gone to college when I was not yet married.

 

I do not consider it a parent's responsibility to finance later-in-life schooling, although it's certainly nice if that is possible. My own parents did not pay for one speck of my later-in-life schooling.

[creekland]

Eh. DH and I started dating when I was 19; we moved across country together the following year. I was 22 when we got married, but we only waited on the wedding because of weird family stuff. We already were married in our hearts.

 

I'm sure my parents thought it was a huge mistake, but it's been 23 years and I am the only one of their kids to have a family (any kind of commitment at all in fact). I think we did just fine. :).

 

I actually love that we grew up together in a sense; we had so much freedom to explore and travel and move around before deciding g on kids. There was a never a clock, or the sense that we had to have everything else in order ASAP. We just got to have loads of fun together before starting the career/buying the first house/starting a family. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I guess that's why it doesn't matter to me--do what's right, when it's right. â¤ï¸

 

Hubby and I started dating in Jan of the year we got married.  I didn't even like him - at all(!) - on that first date.   :lol:   By May we knew we were right for each other and in August we got married.  My dad was positive a kid would be arriving shortly, but no, sorry dad.  No kids until 4 years later when we wanted them.  We had loads of fun together and will be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary this coming Aug.  Definitely no regrets and tons of hopes my kids can find someone just as right for them - preferably early in their lives.

 

I guess a few of us just march to different drummers.  I read what many folks want for their kids - and shudder when I think of it applied to my life.  It's reminded me to stay out of my kids' choices once they find "the one."

[regentrude]

I thought for FAFSA it would be better to be a single independant than married.

 

Perhaps, but that would mean delaying college until age 24, because before that students are considered dependent - whether the parents actually support the student or not.

Edited July 18, 2017 by regentrude

[Kassia]

We were 19 and 22 when we were married.  It felt right then and I have no regrets.  Looking back, I can't believe I was so young when we married, but I can't envision it any other way.  I'm thrilled that I met DH when we were young and we got to spend so much time together.  If I hadn't met him when I did, I think I would have made some huge mistakes.  

[Pam in CT]

I voted 26-30, but for me it's not so much that there's a magic age, as optimal starting conditions for a steady marital launch -- both partners have completed the formal education they want to pursue, their financial circumstances are reasonably stable, they have access to health care on their own behalf, and they've had the time to... I dunno quite how to word this... grow into their characters, who they'll be and how they'll navigate as they face the inevitable challenges of marriage and parenthood and adulthood.

 

Some young people get to that point earlier than others.  Unless both partners are there, it is much harder.  Not impossible, but harder.

 

 

 

 

(My husband and I met when we were 17/19, but did not get married until 27/29.  We would not have made it, had we married earlier -- neither of us had the maturity or the generosity to work through the hard parts.  I expect that colors my views on this question -- I'm very glad we made it    :001_wub:  )

 

 

[Sarah CB]

My dd is 21 and just got engaged. She's been with her fiancee for 3.5 years. She graduates in 2018 and their wedding will take place that summer after graduation. They have long term plans - they will be moving to another province next year so that her fiancee can pursue his masters degree and she can get two years of work experience in social work. Then they will move to where she wants to do her masters degree. 

 

Dd has a good head on her shoulders and we really like her fiancee. I don't really see the point in them waiting to get married.