What's best for me vs what's best for dd

[bethben]

My daughter has a spot in our nearby charter school if we want it. She would do better with homeschooling. She sings while she does math(it helps her think), she goes outside when her brain needs a mental break, and does well when she can talk out answers.

 

I on the other hand am not doing well with homeschooling. I have no outside interests, no passions, no dreams. I am also taking care of my 18 year old "baby" with special needs full time.

 

A lot of days I've been getting dizzy from stress. I've also very seriously considered taking medication for anxiety/depression just so that I can make it though my day. Not every day is like this, but enough are getting to that point.

 

I really am not a fan of public school for multiple reasons. But, private school is way too expensive and I'm not sure how to balance the rest of my life at this point.

 

Anyone btdt?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[NorthwestMom]

Accept the spot! You can always pull her out if it doesn't work out for her, but you wont be able to change your mind and add her if you decline upfront. 

 

You matter too! Think of Oprah and her oxygen mask metaphor. Make self-care a higher priority. If meds help you than that's ok!

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[OneStepAtATime]

Agreed. Accept the spot. See how it goes. Maybe this will be a good option for both of you. You won't know until you try. If it doesn't work out you can go back to homeschooling.

[prairiewindmomma]

Yup.  I'm sending my daughters off to school next year.  

 

This year was my tipping point.  I pushed long and hard every day (waking at 5 am and going until late in the night).  It's not a sustainable pace, physically or emotionally for me.  I have homeschooled over the past decade through many hospitalizations, the death of a child, and a long list of other serious and chronic issues.  In retrospect, I probably should've sent kids to school years ago, but it was my own stubbornness and pride mixed in with listening to fear mongers that blocked the path.

 

I decided this year to take in to consideration my own needs. When I sat and made a list of all that was on my plate--it was more than 2-3 people could manage. If I wouldn't ask that of anyone else, why in the world do I think that I'm somehow "failing" that I can't manage it all myself.

[Catwoman]

How do you think she will do in the charter school?

[Dynamite5]

Hugs to you. This sounds like a tough situation. Would you be able to find out who your daughter's teacher would be at the charter school so you could have a heart to heart about your daughter and find out how they would handle things such as letting her sing sometimes when doing her work?

 

Is there a way for you to look for options for your special needs child such as respite care? It sounds as though you could use a break, whether you are homeschooling or not.

 

Are there things you would like to do? Hobbies? More reading? Getting out of the house weekly by yourself? Have you thought about what you would do if you weren't homeschooling? 

 

How's your physical self-care? Sleeping? Eating? Exercising?

 

So much to weigh and think about. I would be tempted to accept the spot even if I hadn't decided, then put some serious thought into what's best for the situation at hand.

 

[umsami]

I would accept the spot.  You need to be healthy and not stressed to be a good Mom to your kids.

 

You can always pull her if you need to.  

 

My two eldest boys are in a charter middle school this year.  I was so nervous about sending them, but actually they are doing really well.  Much better than I did in Middle School!  It was the right decision for now, but maybe not forever.

[EmilyGF]

Beth,

There's an Illinois law about part time homeschooling. You might use that at some point.

Emily

[KungFuPanda]

Take the spot and see how it goes.  Most people don't "need" an education that is customized to their exact preferences.  In some cases this can set them up for unrealistic expectations in college and life.  Your daughter will likely adjust and she may very well thrive.  Give her a semester or a year to fully adjust and then reevaluate your decision.  If it's a truly bad fit, you've at least given yourself a little bit of a break before you bring her back home. It it's a good fit all around, you won't know unless you try.  

 

I LOVE that we have the option to homeschool, and I have one child who was homeschooled K-8 and another who will be homeschooled K-12, but I don't like it when people are afraid of school without a bad personal experience in their current school system to back up this fear.  I get that it can be a tough decision to make, but I occasionally meet homeschoolers who genuinely fear public school or who treat the homeschooling "experience" like it's a religion and more important than the education itself.  

[wintermom]

Are the other 2 sons in your siggy homeschooling or will they also go to school?  I guess only you will know what works best for you.  I don't see how homeschooling in itself precludes one from outside interests. Is it the oldest child that is actually the most draining and difficult to find alternative care for rather than the youngers?  If so, I'd not send off the younger one to a worse situation unless you've exhausted all possibilities for the oldest. Just a thought, but you could well have already addressed this.

 

Hope things improve whichever way you decide to go. 

[Amy in NH]

I think I would try antidepressants and outside respite care for the 18yo, and keep dd home if I thought that's what would be best for her.

[bethben]

We've decided to keep the oldest home for now. He is home because his public school became neglectful at best and even life-threatening at one point due to not properly staffing his classroom and not changing the situation. In his own way, he's asked to stay home for over 10 years now. We need a break from wondering if he's safe for now.

 

I've written here before that dd is very spirited. Today, which is typical, she argued about how a word should be spelled. I keep asking her if she would argue with her one day a week enrichment teacher. "No! I would never do that to Mrs. Armstrong!"

 

I have two other boys. One will be going to community college full time and the other is on his way to independent learning. I will farm out science and writing and will mostly just be teaching him math.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[OneStepAtATime]

As someone once pointed out to me, all you need to do right now is accept the spot so that you know it is available should this course of action prove to be the best option.  If you don't accept the spot it won't be there when you need it.  Take it one decision at a time.  I'd sign her up.  I would also make a list of pros and cons.  Ponder it for a while and to the list as you think of things.  Set a date to make a final decision and stick with it.  Prep for that decision.  

 

If it is to put her in the charter then commit to her staying in the charter for at least the Fall.  There will be good days and bad days, as with any educational setting, even with homeschooling.  Unless there is a serious issue, don't pull her out just because it was a less than ideal day.  She may be asking to go back in a day or two and you have already pulled her out.  Give it time.  If things are going relatively well, keep her in for the year and reassess for the following year.  There is no perfect academic setting but overall this may work very well for her, especially if she is an extrovert but needs structure and outside accountability.  

[regentrude]

As they say on the plane: put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others.

if you are overwhelmed, you need to take care of yourself first. Accept the spot. If it does not work out, you can always pull her out again.

[Catwoman]

Because you will still have other kids at home, I'm wondering how your life will be significantly different if you send your dd to school.

 

You said that right now you are unable to pursue your own interests, passions, and dreams, but how will that change with only one child in school? You'll still be at home all day with your oldest and youngest sons, right? And if your dd attends school, you'll have to be strict about getting her up and ready in the morning, helping her with homework after school (when you might have already been done for the day had you still been homeschooling,) and dealing with teachers and afterschool activities.

 

I'm not saying that the school is a poor decision, but I'm wondering how much difference it will really make in terms of giving you more time to pursue your own interests.

 

Also, how would your dd feel about going to the charter school every day instead of homeschooling? I only ask because it sounds like she really enjoys being homeschooled.

[happi duck]

Just a reminder to consider how transportation and homework will impact things also.

[bethben]

Homework is minimal from the experience of others I know and the school is two blocks from our home. If I walk out to the bottom of my driveway, I can see her. She could easily walk it with a whole group of friends. I could walk with her to school.

 

I know this won't solve the whole "find my own life thing". I am trying to figure out how to reduce my stress. I wish I had an outside life coach person who could assess my life properly and help me. I know I am not looking at my life properly now. My ds is not that horrible. I know this. But something has got to give and her personality has always been hard for me.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited May 3, 2017 by bethben

[Catwoman]

Homework is minimal from the experience of others I know and the school is two blocks from our home. If I walk out to the bottom of my driveway, I can see her. She could easily walk it with a whole group of friends. I could walk with her to school.

 

I know this won't solve the whole "find my own life thing". I am trying to figure out how to reduce my stress. I wish I had an outside life coach person who could assess my life properly and help me. I know I am not looking at my life properly now. My ds is not that horrible. I know this. But something has got to give and her personality has always been hard for me.

I'm still wondering how your dd feels about attending the school. I certainly sympathize with you, but I think her feelings matter, too. Without knowing how your dd feels, it's hard to make any suggestions.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and anxious. :grouphug:

[JudoMom]

I see no harm in taking the spot.  You can always change your mind at any time, including before the year starts or 1 day into it.  Is it the same place her enrichment program is or is it a different school?

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Will ds16 going to CC full time take any stress off of you?  Will he get his license before then?

[bethben]

Ds has his license and can drive himself so that takes a load off. Dd doesn't want to go to school (I haven't mentioned it as a real possibility) because "why would I want to be away from my family all day?" She is VERY social so I can see her enjoying it possibly. She did do well in a classroom setting with her one day program and liked it. It's how do I balance my own obvious needs with my children's obvious needs. I can't stay on this current path.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Pink and Green Mom]

I put both of mine back in school three years ago, one is still in school and one lasted the year (I would have pulled him the first month, but we had to pay for the year).  If I were you I would try it.

 

What I found with my oldest was that things he hemmed and hawed at for me he did willingly and cheerfully for the teacher (this was in 6th grade).  The same child who would sit there and take 3 hours to write 2 sentences about something we spent the week on would easily do all the busywork and homework thrown at him at school.  So I would not use how your daughter acts with you as a gauge to how she will work in school.

 

I know someone up thread mentioned calling the school to speak to the teacher.  Based on my experiences, I wouldn't do that.  I found that every slight shortcoming or quirk or whatever displayed by my children was immediately met with hand-wringing and "well, he was homeschooled before you put him in school...."  I didn't get any credit for the good stuff, just patronized for the less than good stuff.  Just my two cents on that.

[Ravin]

It sounds to me like you need to budget resources for yourself. Time, and money. I would focus on making that happen. There is no guarantee doing something different for your DD will make it happen. You need to do something different for YOU.

[OneStepAtATime]

Since she doesn't seem all that hip on going to school, but has done well in her outside class, maybe you could both agree this is a trial run and set a time of possibly through Christmas.   At that point you will reevaluate how it is going.  Since the school is right around the corner and she could walk that is a huge help.  Are there kids in the neighborhood that attend that school?  Anyone she knows?

 

But I agree with others you need something to look forward to for you.  What interests you?  Do you like book clubs?  Excelsior is offering once a month book clubs and Julie Rapalje is offering a DIY club for moms.  There are other clubs, too.  The classes meet once a month on-line, there is interaction and minimal work outside of class but you could hang out with other adults doing something not very intense but possibly fun.  You wouldn't have to worry about leaving the house, just finding a private place to interact within your home.

 

http://excelsiorclasses.com/classes-clubs/

 

Or maybe there is something local you could do that would give you some meaning and something you enjoy.  As my son once told me, if there is nothing to look forward to no sense of internal purpose that brings you a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction and pleasure, it is really hard to get the things done that have to get done but bring none of that.  

[displace]

Trying to view it more as: what is best for the family, vs. what is best for me/her, may be more objective for you. Homeschool may be best for her, but is it best for the family? Each of us only has a certain amount of reserves. Some moms here homeschool a lot of children. Some people afterschool. We are all different and can do only what we can do.

 

It sounds like you're pretty overwhelmed. It may be that having her in a charter may help you. If you have a medical depression it may not be enough to really solve things. Can you get other help, like with housework? Can you take time off to relax often?

Edited May 3, 2017 by displace

[Anne in CA]

I would send her. You have a big responsibility and it sounds very challenging. I would do what is best for everyone, which is to take some reasonable precautions for yourself to keep yourself from burning out totally. 

[Daria]

What's best for any child is having a parent who is in a good place.  If you're wearing yourself too thin, your daughter won't benefit.  I agree that you should try the charter, and seek care for yourself.  You can always make a different decision down the road.

[bethben]

Yup. I'm sending my daughters off to school next year.

 

This year was my tipping point. I pushed long and hard every day (waking at 5 am and going until late in the night). It's not a sustainable pace, physically or emotionally for me. I have homeschooled over the past decade through many hospitalizations, the death of a child, and a long list of other serious and chronic issues. In retrospect, I probably should've sent kids to school years ago, but it was my own stubbornness and pride mixed in with listening to fear mongers that blocked the path.

 

I decided this year to take in to consideration my own needs. When I sat and made a list of all that was on my plate--it was more than 2-3 people could manage. If I wouldn't ask that of anyone else, why in the world do I think that I'm somehow "failing" that I can't manage it all myself.

Yes! Just taking care of my son qualifies as a full time job. If I could, someone would get paid 60 hours a week just to take care of him. I have this super woman persona with people I know. They wonder how I do it all. Well, I just can't anymore . We are sending dd to school. I keep hearing raves upon raves for the school and it does sound wonderful for being a public school. I will only be homeschooling one child again. Last time this happened was 7 years ago. But I also had two preschoolers when I was doing that. This will be a lot more relaxing and I really think my middle ds will also thrive. I really think him having my attention without being over run by his extroverted siblings in either side of him will be great for him.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[prairiewindmomma]

Bethben-- I also joined a gym with extended hours and began watching my diet more closesly. Chronic stress affects the body and I had to push from just trying to make it through the hour/day/week to really thinking about finding a wholesome quality of life on a multi-decade scale.

 

Once you find yourself some breathing room, mentally and physically, I would look at bringing in additional resources to take on more of your responsibilities.

[Storygirl]

I was overwhelmed and at a breaking point while homeschooling spirited kids with learning challenges, and we did eventually enroll the kids in school. Last year the oldest continued to homeschool, but this year she is enrolled as well.

 

It has been a good choice for my family. Sure there are things that are challenging. But my kids are well taken care of, and I am doing better personally, which lets me be a better mom.

 

Don't feel guilty about choosing school. You may feel guilty, because it is hard not to, but don't dwell in that place. I hope you find peace in your decision.

[Bocky]

I agree that trying the charter school for a year is a good idea. It was really hard to decide to send dd15 back to school after 7th grade, but she has thrived. The first year had some sizable struggles, but now she is doing really well at public high school. She loves being with all the other kids. 

 

I don't have any btdt, but I am wondering if there is an option to have your ds18 attend an adult day care or day program rather than the school-based program? 

[Catwoman]

Yes! Just taking care of my son qualifies as a full time job. If I could, someone would get paid 60 hours a week just to take care of him. I have this super woman persona with people I know. They wonder how I do it all. Well, I just can't anymore . We are sending dd to school. I keep hearing raves upon raves for the school and it does sound wonderful for being a public school. I will only be homeschooling one child again. Last time this happened was 7 years ago. But I also had two preschoolers when I was doing that. This will be a lot more relaxing and I really think my middle ds will also thrive. I really think him having my attention without being over run by his extroverted siblings in either side of him will be great for him.

 

I hope your dd loves her new school and that the extra breathing room will help you, too! :)