Walking a fine line

[mamashark]

I know that preserving relationships with relatives who are disrespectful of parenting choices is a controversial topic on these boards, and honestly, I've had many heated conversations with my husband about it (regarding his parents). But I need to preserve this relationship because of some life circumstances at the moment. 

 

So we are looking at grandparents who eat a standard american diet, have multiple health issues (minor ones like chronic migraines and serious ones like kidney disease due to uncontrolled diabetes.) and don't make dietary and lifestyle changes required by dr's. (eat fast food more than at home...)

 

Our kids are generally healthy by their standards and any concern I've ever brought up has been dismissed outright as my being overprotective and ridiculous. 

 

I've taken our eldest to a new dr. and the other 3 go on Thursday and we've already got a list of changes to make for number one, and I guarantee more changes are coming after the next apt. 

 

My goal as the parent is to ensure my kids are OPTIMALLY healthy. (sorry but frequent complaints of stomach aches are NOT indications of a healthy child, even if she can run and play "like normal" in spite of the stomach ache.)

 

We have already gotten push back from grandma and I anticipate much more when she finds out the extent of the diet changes. 

 

Examples of push back: we are not to allow any screen time (including kindle) for at least 1 hour before bedtime to help DD fall asleep easier. Grandma's response "didn't you ask if a later bedtime would help?" 

 

When we told grandma the Dr is concerned about the chronic/extreme congestion/inflammation in DD's body, and that we have to make several dietary changes to help, she challenged: "I've been fighting a tiny bit of a cold, don't you think she's probably just fighting a cold too?" 

 

Basically grandma is going to argue with everything she disagrees with regardless of what the Dr. says. (my mom on the other hand immediately asked me "is plain yogurt ok and please tell me anything else that would be good to keep on hand")

 

Among the changes we have to eliminate all gluten, milk, and sugar other than fruits and tiny amounts of natural sweeteners like honey. This means changing our standard pb&J lunch on gluten bread, switching to almond milk instead of cow milk in cereal, and that's about it. 

 

That said, it means huge changes in what Grandma can give them, because no matter what we say or how we approach it, she still constantly offers chocolate milk, fruit punch, candy, desserts, etc. DAILY at her house and only limit it when my husband says something and then it's only 1 cup each instead of unlimited supplies. Believe me when I say I've had huge arguments with my husband over this issue and I'm really close to giving grandma a serious tongue thrashing.  :banghead:

 

But we can't walk away. We can't stop going over. and we can't ruin the relationship by my giving that tongue lashing because we are living in their yard at the moment while DH looks for fulltime work. 

 

But we are going to have to put our foot down, and grandma is going to HAVE to get on board with the program or there will be serious mother bear issues here.  :glare:  

 

 

[FaithManor]

When our ds was having some digestive issues and one of the grandma's was argumentative about it, we simply stopped allowing our children to spend time with her unsupervised, and we didn't eat at her house. About the time that Thanksgiving rolled around, and she really wanted all of us to come to dinner but we said we wouldn't because she didn't respect our parenting enough to back off the food issues nor did she care enough about ds's well being to NOT try to sneak him something because she thought we were "overprotective", she decided she wanted to live by the rules.

 

Had she not. Then there would have been no Thanksgiving.

 

Health is not something to mess around with. This isn't a matter of your child having no problems so it si okay for grandma to spoil her once in a while with some candy or cookies. This is a matter of your dd having a health problem which the doctor is trying to address and a grandparent that can't be trusted not to mess things up because she thinks her opinion is more important or more right that your opinion or the doctor's opinion. That is a big boundary line that should not be crossed. So you need to draw that line in the sand, and then either she follows it or suffers the consequences.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah, that's a tough one.  I guess it's going to be annoying until you get outta there. I guess I'd repeat that these are doctor's orders.

 

I would say eh well..."grandparents" if this were a once in awhile thing.  But every day with essentially living with them is not once in awhile.

 

 

[happi duck]

I don't think you need to be mean just kindly persistent.

 

I think you and your kids need to pick a phrase and stick to it, over and over if need be. "No, I/they can't eat that."

[heartlikealion]

Can you just have your own items that are specifically for your kids? Are the kids old enough to know to decline the choc. milk and only drink whatever you have for them? Can you escort them in the kitchen so you see what they get?

 

Also even keeping a cooler with their items in the cooler outside in the yard with you so their choices are right there and not to be confused with other options in the fridge.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

:( Is this your only housing option at all? Could you move in with your Mom, whom you know will respect doctor's orders?

[maize]

I would take your own snacks with you whenever you take the kids to grandma's with instructions that they are only to eat those snacks per doctors orders.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would suggest teaching your child to say, "No, thank you" and supporting him in making that stick.  That will serve him very well in the long run.

 

And I would also suggest bringing his food along when he goes into the house.  You can take Grandma aside and say, "Hey, I know his diet is tricky, so I went ahead and made him up some food to bring with him, to save you all that trouble. Please make sure that that is the only thing he eats--doctors order!"  That way you're enlisting her as an ally.

[mamashark]

Can you just have your own items that are specifically for your kids? Are the kids old enough to know to decline the choc. milk and only drink whatever you have for them? Can you escort them in the kitchen so you see what they get?

 

Also even keeping a cooler with their items in the cooler outside in the yard with you so their choices are right there and not to be confused with other options in the fridge.

 

two are old enough to decline and one has already begun to do so. One has some pretty severe behavior issues that we will be addressing with dietary changes (and who knows what else the dr. recommends, will find out Thursday) so I anticipate some pretty hard push back from him at first that will include lots of tears and attempts to get forbidden food from grandma, so I will NEED her to be accepting of the changes.. The fourth is too young to care or notice at just shy of 2 years old. No issues for him either, so he'll just be along for the ride, so to speak, instead of requiring the diet changes. We might just have to not allow them over unsupervised. As annoying as that is.

 

 

:( Is this your only housing option at all? Could you move in with your Mom, whom you know will respect doctor's orders?

It's our only option at the moment - in 2 months we will be only here on the weekends based on anticipated summer job opportunity and then starting in the fall we will NOT be here no matter what job options come up. I only agreed to this arrangement providing there would be a way out by Sept. 1 at the latest no matter what. My mom lives on her boat and is in the Bahamas right now.  :(

[mamashark]

 That way you're enlisting her as an ally.

 

That's an awesome concept. I totally get it. And yet not this grandma. This grandma insists that eczema is "normal" and doesn't bother talking to her dr. about the fact that she has a minimum of 2 migraines per week. sometimes twice that. 

 

This grandma does not agree with dietary changes because disallowing "normal" food is not healthy for children. She works in dietary services and so she feels she knows more about food and nutrition than our drs do.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry, I know that's really frustrating.  For most of the examples you gave, I'd probably just try and ignore.  (in one ear, out the other)  For the food example, I'd bring your own food when you go over there and explain just once that it is what your child will be eating.  Doctor's orders.  (And make sure your child understands this too.)

 

 

[heartlikealion]

do they buy things like choc. milk just for your kids? Or do they drink it themselves? If it's for the kids, I'd have your dh tell your mom to stop buying it. I don't know if there's a tactful way to do it.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

What a rough situation!  Sorry you are dealing with it.  

 

We also had a "healthy" kid who was having massive tummy issues.  Turned out to be gluten.  So I hope you are on the right track!

 

I do think killing with kindness is a good starter option:

 

- I know how restrictive this sounds, but the doctor has ordered an elimination diet for ___ months, and it's the only way we'll be able to find the root of her tummy pain.  (for now, claim it's temporary.  It very well may be.  It may help gma to deal)

 

- I have this book I think you'd find really useful for understanding what we're doing and why.  I'd love to lend it to you.  

 

- I know how much you love dd and are concerned for her health but also her ability to be a "normal child".  I think you should come to her next pediatrician visit to ask your questions.  (warn pediatrician ahead of time)

 

- DD is hoping you will try baking some treats from our new dairy free gluten free sugar free cookbook.  

 

- Can we sit down and make a meal plan together?  I have some ideas that might make us both happy.

 

- Of course DD can still have milk!  She just needs almond milk.

 

- I've gotten you a stash of safe treats to offer DD because I know how much you like to spoil the kids.  She can have anything from this bag.  

 

-------------------------

And when that doesn't work, I'd have a non-aggressive, 1 to 1 with her.  I'd acknowledge that she doesn't believe in all this nutrition voodoo, but you simply can't keep watching your dd suffer in pain without trying a natural solution like diet modification.  Ask if it's more important to her to "treat" the kids than to have them be pain-free.  

[Seasider]

I have one with a nut allergy and a gma who seems determined to push nuts just to see what will happen (because she would love to be able to tell me I made a big deal over nothing). I don't know what makes people this way, except for the fact that they see you trying to do the best for your own as an indictment against poor lifestyle habits they have no desire to change.

 

Anyway, I spent many years with that kid tethered to my side. No unsupervised contact whatsoever, and not just with dh, it had to be me, because mil knows how to talk sweet and unsusoectingly sneak stuff past him (plus it's very difficult for him to fully accept the way she behaves about this, it's been very hurtful to him). It seriously curtailed my own activities, but was necessary. I politely but resolutely intervened many times to refuse food items, as well as "just come over here with me for a minute" invitations. Exhausting. But, now that allergy kid is older she understands the situation and sometimes even acts incredulous about "that time gramma tried to feed me...."

 

I don't usually like to wish time away, but I am glad you have a firm move date in mind.

[gardenmom5]

why are the kids there during mealtimes?   feed them before you go. pack a lunch.  whatever.   don't' have her babysit them.  limit the amount of time you're there.  give suggestions about what they can have - e.g. fresh fruit.  

 

are you are using grandma as a babysitter - you're getting free babysitting.  if so, you need to find other babysitting arrangements.  she's made it clear she is not going to comply with your wishes about what is best for your children's health.  are you asking for suggestions on how to get what you want with her?  not going to happen.  you control you, and only you.

 

why does it matter what grandma thinks about their bedtime routine with screens, etc?   are you living with them?

 

 

[mamashark]

What a rough situation!  Sorry you are dealing with it.  

 

We also had a "healthy" kid who was having massive tummy issues.  Turned out to be gluten.  So I hope you are on the right track!

 

I do think killing with kindness is a good starter option:

 

- I know how restrictive this sounds, but the doctor has ordered an elimination diet for ___ months, and it's the only way we'll be able to find the root of her tummy pain.  (for now, claim it's temporary.  It very well may be.  It may help gma to deal)

 

- I have this book I think you'd find really useful for understanding what we're doing and why.  I'd love to lend it to you.  

 

- I know how much you love dd and are concerned for her health but also her ability to be a "normal child".  I think you should come to her next pediatrician visit to ask your questions.  (warn pediatrician ahead of time)

 

- DD is hoping you will try baking some treats from our new dairy free gluten free sugar free cookbook.  

 

- Can we sit down and make a meal plan together?  I have some ideas that might make us both happy.

 

- Of course DD can still have milk!  She just needs almond milk.

 

- I've gotten you a stash of safe treats to offer DD because I know how much you like to spoil the kids.  She can have anything from this bag.  

 

-------------------------

And when that doesn't work, I'd have a non-aggressive, 1 to 1 with her.  I'd acknowledge that she doesn't believe in all this nutrition voodoo, but you simply can't keep watching your dd suffer in pain without trying a natural solution like diet modification.  Ask if it's more important to her to "treat" the kids than to have them be pain-free.  

 

I love your suggestions, thank you! I told my husband I wanted to tell approach it like this:

 

"I know you love your grandchildren very much - I love my children more than anything and I only want them to be healthy and happy. Since the Dr. told us we need to try this for their health, I'm willing to do anything it takes, including things that seem hard, for them to be as healthy as possible. Since I know you love them so much too, I'm sure you'll agree that making hard changes is worth it for their health!"

 

which I suppose is better than me saying "why can't you just respect our parenting choices!!!!!!!" :lol:

 

 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I love your suggestions, thank you! I told my husband I wanted to tell approach it like this:

 

"I know you love your grandchildren very much - I love my children more than anything and I only want them to be healthy and happy. Since the Dr. told us we need to try this for their health, I'm willing to do anything it takes, including things that seem hard, for them to be as healthy as possible. Since I know you love them so much too, I'm sure you'll agree that making hard changes is worth it for their health!"

 

which I suppose is better than me saying "why can't you just respect our parenting choices!!!!!!!" :lol:

 

 

Yes!  And IMO, I would use the word "temporary" or "trial" and give some timeframe like 3 months or something.  I think this can help people to realize you aren't being "mean" to your kids forever and ever.  If/when it works, then you'll have concrete proof to continue with the diet modifications, and your dd will probably be totally on board because the pain will be gone.  

 

I don't even *consider* the idea of my ds cheating on his diet because I'm not there to oversee.  He was NOTHING TO DO with gluten, he knows it huts him!

[Carol in Cal.]

That's an awesome concept. I totally get it. And yet not this grandma. This grandma insists that eczema is "normal" and doesn't bother talking to her dr. about the fact that she has a minimum of 2 migraines per week. sometimes twice that. 

 

This grandma does not agree with dietary changes because disallowing "normal" food is not healthy for children. She works in dietary services and so she feels she knows more about food and nutrition than our drs do.

Well, it's actually pretty common for laypeople who have studied nutrition to know more about it than doctors, and it used to be universal.  So I'd think gently about her convictions about that.

 

And migraine meds are serious drugs.  She might prefer the aches to the side effects.  Again, I wouldn't judge based on that.

 

What I would do is to figure out a way to honor her good intentions and hard won wisdom while enlisting her support.  Honey not vinegar.  Because she seems to be well intentioned.  After all, she IS letting you live with her.  Gratitude is always appropriate, even if people are really, really annoying.

 

And mostly I would sort of quietly always be there if you can't trust the kids to say no.  You need to do it for them.

[mamashark]

why are the kids there during mealtimes?   feed them before you go. pack a lunch.  whatever.   don't' have her babysit them.  limit the amount of time you're there.  give suggestions about what they can have - e.g. fresh fruit.  

 

are you are using grandma as a babysitter - you're getting free babysitting.  if so, you need to find other babysitting arrangements.  she's made it clear she is not going to comply with your wishes about what is best for your children's health.  are you asking for suggestions on how to get what you want with her?  not going to happen.  you control you, and only you.

 

why does it matter what grandma thinks about their bedtime routine with screens, etc?   are you living with them?

 

We are not living with them - we share one meal a week together, usually. They do get to go over and play daily, though, and they are always offered snacks and treats when they walk through the door. It's not a babysitting thing - we are living in our camper in their backyard. They've told us the kids are welcome to pop in daily but I restrict that a LOT. 

 

Technically it doesn't matter what Grandma thinks about bedtime routine except that it prevents them from visiting as long as grandma would like in the evenings, since we are temporarily living here. Grandma would also love to have the kids sleep over all the time but I won't allow it because she doesn't put them to bed and I have to deal with a cranky child the next day. 

 

Believe me, there are a lot of restrictions I've put in place, and more will be coming as the week progresses and we get the diet changes firm. I realize grandma won't probably change - she's proven in another area of her life that she is completely un-trust worthy, although the safety of our children has never been in question. I guess a shift in my thinking is in order... prayers for a job and the ability to move away quickly would be much appreciated!!!!!!!

[mamashark]

Well, it's actually pretty common for laypeople who have studied nutrition to know more about it than doctors, and it used to be universal.  So I'd think gently about her convictions about that.

 

And migraine meds are serious drugs.  She might prefer the aches to the side effects.  Again, I wouldn't judge based on that.

 

What I would do is to figure out a way to honor her good intentions and hard won wisdom while enlisting her support.  Honey not vinegar.  Because she seems to be well intentioned.  After all, she IS letting you live with her.  Gratitude is always appropriate, even if people are really, really annoying.

 

And mostly I would sort of quietly always be there if you can't trust the kids to say no.  You need to do it for them.

 

sorry, I was confusing - she has NOT studied nutrition. She works as a supervisor in an inpatient hospital facility for elderly people. She is in charge of ensuring state mandated combinations of vegetables, meats, etc. are served to the patients and everything is prepackaged and premixed, etc. I don't think fresh vegetables or fruits even enter the kitchen.

 

I don't suffer migraines so I will not continue to judge based on those - she prefers those drugs you reference, though, to trying to figure out her triggers and avoid them. (my brother kept a food log and figured out how to avoid his migraines altogether, but again, I don't know a lot about it so I could be WAY off base there,I apologize for that!)

 

But yes, in the end, I realize i need to use honey, which is I suppose the point of this post - someplace to vent rather than explode on her! And I know she loves the kids, I need to focus on that. 

[mamashark]

Yes!  And IMO, I would use the word "temporary" or "trial" and give some timeframe like 3 months or something.  I think this can help people to realize you aren't being "mean" to your kids forever and ever.  If/when it works, then you'll have concrete proof to continue with the diet modifications, and your dd will probably be totally on board because the pain will be gone.  

 

I don't even *consider* the idea of my ds cheating on his diet because I'm not there to oversee.  He was NOTHING TO DO with gluten, he knows it huts him!

 

I have been completely gluten free for 5 years. I am a bit OCD about it around my MIL. So like I said, the diet changes aren't a huge change for me. A few things to tweak and that's it. No big deal. I have to focus on raising the kids to understand that we eat to live, and that treats have their place but only those that are safe for our individual bodies. 

 

(you should have seen the fit I threw in the grocery store about how many brands of canned beans have added sugar! canned beans was my one time saving vice! I think my husband was a bit embarrassed.)  :leaving:

[Liz CA]

I would suggest teaching your child to say, "No, thank you" and supporting him in making that stick.  That will serve him very well in the long run.

 

And I would also suggest bringing his food along when he goes into the house.  You can take Grandma aside and say, "Hey, I know his diet is tricky, so I went ahead and made him up some food to bring with him, to save you all that trouble. Please make sure that that is the only thing he eats--doctors order!"  That way you're enlisting her as an ally.

 

This. I don't know the ages of your children but this is where I would start. Also, if the kids start feeling better they may realize a correlation between food and health (if they are old enough, of course).

[Slartibartfast]

I had stomach aches when I was younger. My mom even took me to the Dr and they did a lower GI.

 

I am allergic to dairy. My allergist was a loon and my mom didn't realize it at the time. I don't even know if he ever tested me for a dairy allergy; I was diagnosed as an adult.

[bolt.]

So, if I'm understanding you -- daily visits, with meals/snacks are a mandatory part of your family's life right now? I will tailor my advice for that scenario.

 

I think you have been raised by a "supportive" family, where you expect people to be on board with one another and willingly co-operate. That dynamic is *awesome* -- and I'm sure it has made you awesome at many things. It seems, though, that you didn't develop some basic skills of self-assertiveness. (I suppose it just wasn't needed?)

 

Self-assertiveness is when you simply believe that you are right and that you have every right to make your own choices.

 

Instead of feeling like being self-assertive is an option, you seem to only see two other (more extreme) options -- (1) convincing people until they actually agree, and harmony follows, or (2) waiting until the situation is so intolerable that it justifies an emotional outburst.

 

What self-assertive looks like in your context is "cheerful face bull-headedness".

 

People can't just hand your kids things you don't want them to eat. Just reach out, and take the item from the child, or from the table and say, "So sorry! Junior isn't allowed to eat/drink (dairy products)" -- and put it back in the fridge. The passive-aggressive questions don't need to phase you at all. Try something like, "Oh, I believe in following doctor's orders. I really like the new plan."

 

You don't need to convince her to care about your children's health like you care about your children's health. You don't need to get her to trust your doctor or believe in your plan. You *only* need to convince her that you. mean. business. (And that you are not going to stop politely confronting and interfering with her actions unless she gives in and abides by your wishes.)

 

Here are some Q and A to help you get a feel for it:

 

Grandma's response "didn't you ask if a later bedtime would help?" 

You: "No. I plan to implement what she/he advised."

 

she challenged: "I've been fighting a tiny bit of a cold, don't you think she's probably just fighting a cold too?" 

You: "No. I think the doctor has the correct diagnosis."

 

No matter what we say or how we approach it, she still constantly offers chocolate milk, fruit punch, candy, desserts, etc. DAILY at her house

 

> If you are there, step in and politely remove the object with an attitude of, "Whooops, no thank you, Junior can't have that."

 

> If you are not there, but hear about it later:

You: "Junior isn't allowed to eat those things. The doctor says that everyone needs to stop offering him/her (these options). Can I suggest/buy/bring some treats that he/she can have?"

(Grandma does it anyways.)

You: "It's not OK for you to offer Junior things to eat/drink when he/she knows they are against the doctor's rules. Can I suggest/buy/bring some treats that he/she can have?"

(Grandma does it anyways.)

You: "It's not OK for you to offer Junior things to eat/drink against the doctor's instructions, not even in small servings. I want you to stop offering them at all."

(Grandma does it anyways.)

You: "It's not OK for you to offer Junior things to eat/drink against the doctor's instructions. You need to follow the rules and respect my wishes."

(Grandma does it anyways.)

"You have offered Junior (whatever) today. That's not OK with me. It has to stop."

(Grandma does it anyways.)

"You have offered Junior (whatever) today. That's not OK with me. It has to stop."

[Slartibartfast]

I have been completely gluten free for 5 years. I am a bit OCD about it around my MIL. So like I said, the diet changes aren't a huge change for me. A few things to tweak and that's it. No big deal. I have to focus on raising the kids to understand that we eat to live, and that treats have their place but only those that are safe for our individual bodies. 

 

(you should have seen the fit I threw in the grocery store about how many brands of canned beans have added sugar! canned beans was my one time saving vice! I think my husband was a bit embarrassed.)  :leaving:

Beans are super quick in the Instant Pot, just throwing that out there.

[mamashark]

Beans are super quick in the Instant Pot, just throwing that out there.

 

I may need another instant pot!

[mamashark]

I get your point with self-assertiveness. And yes, I do have the problem of attempting to always convince people of my opinion. BUT, I cannot allow this to be something that I have to keep asserting. Once and done, or it won't be a valid diet change. 

 

I like the idea of putting together a bag of "treats" the ones that look like treats too but are safe to eat. and in the end I may just have to always be present to prevent issues.

 

So, if I'm understanding you -- daily visits, with meals/snacks are a mandatory part of your family's life right now? I will tailor my advice for that scenario.

 

I think you have been raised by a "supportive" family, where you expect people to be on board with one another and willingly co-operate. That dynamic is *awesome* -- and I'm sure it has made you awesome at many things. It seems, though, that you didn't develop some basic skills of self-assertiveness. (I suppose it just wasn't needed?)

 

Self-assertiveness is when you simply believe that you are right and that you have every right to make your own choices.

 

Instead of feeling like being self-assertive is an option, you seem to only see two other (more extreme) options -- (1) convincing people until they actually agree, and harmony follows, or (2) waiting until the situation is so intolerable that it justifies an emotional outburst.

 

What self-assertive looks like in your context is "cheerful face bull-headedness".

 

People can't just hand your kids things you don't want them to eat. Just reach out, and take the item from the child, or from the table and say, "So sorry! Junior isn't allowed to eat/drink (dairy products)" -- and put it back in the fridge. The passive-aggressive questions don't need to phase you at all. Try something like, "Oh, I believe in following doctor's orders. I really like the new plan."

 

You don't need to convince her to care about your children's health like you care about your children's health. You don't need to get her to trust your doctor or believe in your plan. You *only* need to convince her that you. mean. business. (And that you are not going to stop politely confronting and interfering with her actions unless she gives in and abides by your wishes.)

 

Here are some Q and A to help you get a feel for it:

 

Grandma's response "didn't you ask if a later bedtime would help?" 

You: "No. I plan to implement what she/he advised."

 

she challenged: "I've been fighting a tiny bit of a cold, don't you think she's probably just fighting a cold too?" 

You: "No. I think the doctor has the correct diagnosis."

 

No matter what we say or how we approach it, she still constantly offers chocolate milk, fruit punch, candy, desserts, etc. DAILY at her house

 

> If you are there, step in and politely remove the object with an attitude of, "Whooops, no thank you, Junior can't have that."

 

> If you are not there, but hear about it later:

You: "Junior isn't allowed to eat those things. The doctor says that everyone needs to stop offering him/her (these options). Can I suggest/buy/bring some treats that he/she can have?"

(Grandma does it anyways.)

You: "It's not OK for you to offer Junior things to eat/drink when he/she knows they are against the doctor's rules. Can I suggest/buy/bring some treats that he/she can have?"

(Grandma does it anyways.)

You: "It's not OK for you to offer Junior things to eat/drink against the doctor's instructions, not even in small servings. I want you to stop offering them at all."

(Grandma does it anyways.)

You: "It's not OK for you to offer Junior things to eat/drink against the doctor's instructions. You need to follow the rules and respect my wishes."

(Grandma does it anyways.)

"You have offered Junior (whatever) today. That's not OK with me. It has to stop."

(Grandma does it anyways.)

"You have offered Junior (whatever) today. That's not OK with me. It has to stop."

 

[Rebel Yell]

(snipped). My mom lives on her boat and is in the Bahamas right now.  :(

How big is your mom's boat? :D

[heartlikealion]

OP, I get it. Dh's parents are kinda like that. I mean, I'd go nuts having to monitor stuff like that. Dh will go on a diet and his mom flat out says, "you're just gonna have to put your diet on hold when you're here" when we visit. Granted he's an adult so I guess he could just not eat any of the food she cooks but I think he feels torn.

 

I might go as far as to write names on products with Sharpie. Or a symbol. The kid can eat the drinks/snacks with their name. Period.

 

How big is your mom's boat? :D

 

:lol:
 

[mamashark]

How big is your mom's boat? :D

 

big enough for a visit! Only it's pretty far from the jobs that my husband is applying to... and we'd need passports... and plane tickets... lol

[prairiewindmomma]

BTDT with food issues and family with everything from life threatening food allergies to "just" insenstivities and nutrition issues.

 

Can I gently suggest that maybe you're not hiding your frustration with her well and she has picked up on it? It sounds like she disagrees with some of your decisions.  And you disagree with some of hers.  Grace towards each other goes a long way.   

Edited April 3, 2017 by kbeal

[LMD]

I love your suggestions, thank you! I told my husband I wanted to tell approach it like this:

 

"I know you love your grandchildren very much - I love my children more than anything and I only want them to be healthy and happy. Since the Dr. told us we need to try this for their health, I'm willing to do anything it takes, including things that seem hard, for them to be as healthy as possible. Since I know you love them so much too, I'm sure you'll agree that making hard changes is worth it for their health!"

 

which I suppose is better than me saying "why can't you just respect our parenting choices!!!!!!!" :lol:

I think this is good but I think it needs to come from your husband/her son.

[Peaceseeker]

That is tricky since you are living right there. I am assuming that it would cause a ton of family drama for the kids to not be allowed to visit and it would be difficult for you to be there there every time. However since you think she will not change and you are stuck living there a few more months I think your only options are to control the visitation and go with your kids every day for a certain time and then that's it for the day (you all go over from 2-4 or something every day and then you have 'things to do and places to be')

 

I think your only other option is to wait on the diet restrictions til you move. If you have a child old enough to exercise self control and they are hurting physically they might go along with the plan and turn her down. But if you are doing this with an unwilling child left unsupervised with a sabotaging adult I doubt you will have any success. If it is worth it to you to implement these restrictions now you will have to monitor the unwilling child at all times with her and allow no unsupervised access.

Edited April 3, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[LMD]

Can your mil come to a doctor's appointment with you, and can the doctor give her a serious wording up? Do you think that would help?

[mamashark]

That is tricky since you are living right there. I am assuming that it would cause a ton of family drama for the kids to not be allowed to visit and it would be difficult for you to be there there every time. However since you think she will not change and you are stuck living there a few more months I think your only options are to control the visitation and go with your kids every day for a certain time and then that's it for the day (you all go over from 2-4 or something every day and then you have 'things to do and places to be')

 

I think your only other option is to wait on the diet restrictions til you move. If you have a child old enough to exercise self control and they are hurting physically they might go along with the plan and turn her down. But if you are doing this with an unwilling child left unsupervised with a sabotaging adult I doubt you will have any success. If it is worth it to you to implement these restrictions now you will have to monitor the unwilling child at all times with her and allow no unsupervised access.

Yes, this might be what has to happen. That said I haven't given her a chance yet, I'm only going on previous experience. A careful talking to from my husband might actually work, I should give it a chance anyway.

 

 

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[kbutton]

Your husband needs to be the one to tell her that she's not being respectful if she breaks a boundary.

 

Your husband needs to be there and back you up when you tell her what's going on with the dietary changes. He needs to affirm your own authority.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you should not mince words about her violations and the consequences. You can be assertive and neutral without being either nice or nasty. You can say that there is no other option. 

 

I would assume she's going to defy all this, so I would not let them be there unsupervised. My children don't do much of anything with my in-laws without supervision. My MIL can find 100 ways to make an exception to a rule and is honestly convinced that she's sensible and logical when she does so. While it's a boundary issue, it's based in a mental issue. The boundary issue won't go away because she's not mentally capable of taking another person's perspective, so she doesn't have access to our kids unsupervised. 

 

My kids are old enough that I could probably get away with telling Grandma that the child has to follow x rule, and if she offers and the child accepts, she's put the child in a position to get punished. My kids would be able to go along with that and let her think that she's making really big trouble for them. I don't know if you could do this, or if it would even work. But in a situation like this, I would have no qualms about making Grandma sweat it that the kids might get in trouble (loss of privileges, etc.) even if I had no intention of punishing my child. My MIL already thinks I'm ridiculous and Dracula, so it wouldn't do anything worse to our relationship, lol! 

 

When my older child was in school, he had a teacher that constantly felt bad for "punishing" him with things that helped him regulate his behavior. For instance, he did better with a desk closer to hers than his classmates, and he LIKED it. He wanted her to do that proactively so that he could behave. Because she wouldn't do it as a preventive measure, he kept getting his color changed (their warning system), coming home frustrated with himself, etc. I finally went in and told her that she was taking away his only means to behave, and that she needed to stop doing that. She cried, and then she started doing it. I felt bad she cried, but she just couldn't get it that he needed those strategies and that kind of space. Perhaps Grandma is over-identifying with the kids and needs to realize your kids are resilient. That's what this teacher needed to hear.

[BooksandBoys]

We had some pushback from one grandmother when we made huge dietary changes for one of my children. I had to to be present for all interactions for a while, even my DH couldn't stand up to her. She's a nurse who also thinks eczema and other chronic health issues are normal (because she has many chronic health issues).

 

Eventually, we had allergy testing and I chose to exaggerate the results a bit so that all foods he reacts to were included in the results we reported to her. Specifically, his dairy intolerance didn't show up on the test (not surprising) and his reaction to a few foods was rather mild despite having significant behavioral/gastro pain effects in our little guy. We knew she was very motivated to respect allergies, so we used that opportunity to our advantage. It helped. She finally took us seriously.

 

Good luck with this, OP.

[Garga]

 

 

I think you have been raised by a "supportive" family, where you expect people to be on board with one another and willingly co-operate. That dynamic is *awesome* -- and I'm sure it has made you awesome at many things. It seems, though, that you didn't develop some basic skills of self-assertiveness. (I suppose it just wasn't needed?)

 

Self-assertiveness is when you simply believe that you are right and that you have every right to make your own choices.

 

Instead of feeling like being self-assertive is an option, you seem to only see two other (more extreme) options -- (1) convincing people until they actually agree, and harmony follows, or (2) waiting until the situation is so intolerable that it justifies an emotional outburst.

 

What self-assertive looks like in your context is "cheerful face bull-headedness".

 

 

Gasp!  This is me!  My parents are ridiculously, wonderfully supportive of things.  I was raised in a family that believed in saving face for the other members, in deferring to the other members, and in complying with other people's wishes.

 

My husband was raised in a family that believes in having arguments to prove who is best, in pointing out each and every time when someone else is wrong, and in being bull-headed about, oh, everything.

 

It's been a fun 25 years. :)  I've never managed to become assertive.  I'm always waiting around for (1)--convincing them until they are harmonious, which has Never Happened.  This is so eye-opening to me.  (Only got to (2) once when pregnant and all my filters were gone.  Don't want to repeat it.)

 

 

OP:  My in-laws are a lot like yours.  The thing is, if I get my MIL alone, I can talk to her and finally (finally!) get her to see the food issues we have.  Yes!  

 

....And then the next time they're at her house, she'll offer them full-sized Hershey chocolate bars and bags of M&Ms  Grrrrrr.  It's so infuritating.  I only tell you this to say, "Don't trust her."  

 

Don't trust her if she suddenly agrees with you and is sympathetic to all the hard work you're putting in to handle food issues.  She'll agree with you in the moment, but then when faced with those little smiling grandkids, she'll be handing out the forbidden foods as if she'd never had any conversations with you about it ever. 

[eternalsummer]

We have some uncompromising dietary restrictions.  Some of our relatives (my mom, basically) are pretty good about it and will not offer the kids things they know they can't have, or even keep them where the kids can see them.  Other relatives keep them and eat the things around them but don't offer; other relatives constantly offer food the kids can't have, which is annoying.

 

The only solution, in my experience, if you really cannot compromise about the food issues (which we cannot), is constant supervision of adults who have proved untrustworthy with kids who are not old enough to hold their own against untrustworthy adults.  We've found that adults will lie to kids (this doesn't have milk in it, I'm sure this hot dog is from grass fed beef, don't worry your mom won't mind, etc.) and if the kids still refuse, will manipulate them (are you really going along with this stupid rule?  your mom is crazy, etc.)

 

I think a lot of it is defensiveness.  They feel our dietary restrictions as some sort of judgment on their behavior (and this may be happening with your inlaws too, as you've said they don't eat very healthfully and your goal is healthful eating).  To be honest, it *is* a judgment on their behavior, so I get where they're coming from - but as they are acting irresponsibly, they must be supervised.

[sbgrace]

First, I think your husband needs to deal with mom if he can do that. 

 

"grandma, we are going to try what the doctor suggests for at least ___ months. The kids can't eat at your home. If they are hungry or ask for food, please send  them to us/mom. She'll send them back when they finish eating." 

 

If she doesn't do that, you have to supervise. I don't see any other way.

 

My son has anaphylactic food allergies, and I still got some push back from one set of grandparents. The other set was more just "so sad to have a life without nuts" kind of annoying. Time helped all of that. So if this is long term, I think it will improve in time. One of my parents tends to give unsolicited advice/criticism of my parenting. I try my best not to engage. 

 

 

Edited April 4, 2017 by sbgrace